


Leap Of Faith

by KittyKait, MadameCissy



Category: Major Crimes (TV), The Closer
Genre: F/F, F/M, From friendship to romance, Slow Burn, So slow it would be quicker to watch paint dry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-26 17:17:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 227,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6248665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyKait/pseuds/KittyKait, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadameCissy/pseuds/MadameCissy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brenda returns to Los Angeles. She and Sharon begin a tentative friendship that may have consequences for both of them. Maybe all it takes to find happiness is a leap of faith.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For Kait.  
> I hope it is everything you want it to be.

_Though the stakes are high, give it one more try  
this time you can be sure  
And take a leap of faith_

_~ Lionel Cartwright; Leap Of Faith_

The coffee shop was busy, even for a Friday afternoon. All the tables were occupied and she was glad she'd arrived early and had managed to get a table in the far back with two leather arm chairs. A crumpled up gossip magazine lay on the floor, slightly hidden underneath the chair across from her. So far she'd resisted picking it up and skimming through it.

The chairs were comfortable and she'd sunk into it. It felt a little like an old pair of shoes that had been worn within an inch of their life but still fitted perfectly when put back on. The brown leather was worn and had begun to fade in places. Some patches were scratched and marked and there were coffee stains on the arm rests. It looked like someone had once placed a hot cup on it too, a pale ring had burnt itself into the material.

She let her eyes drift around the coffee shop. The crowd was varied and diverse. A young couple, maybe in their late teens, sat by the window, talking softly over two large hot chocolates. A woman dressed in an expensive suit sipped from her latte as she flipped through pages full of numbers and a man, she guessed him to be in his fifties, was reading a Charles Dickens novel. She briefly wondered if it was a favourite of his as the pages seemed worn. Around her, people carried on with their day to day activities but she felt like she was stuck in this particular moment.

Her cup of coffee, with two extra shots of espresso, stood untouched on the round wooden table. Next to it lay her iPhone, screen up, and her eyes remained fixed on the door. Nerves had settled in the pit of her stomach and she chewed on the inside of her cheek. She then leaned in to the table to check the time on her phone. 11.59.

She wiped her hands along her jeans when she sat back. They had faded over time, had a cut across the knee, and perhaps they'd been in the washing machine a few too many times. She was about to pick up her phone, just for something to do, when the door at the other end of the shop opened again and she saw him.

He had grown up, had changed so much. It was the first thing she noticed when her eyes met his across the busy shop. He raised his hand; the wave was clumsy and perhaps a little wary. She watched him huddle a little deeper into the hoodie he was wearing, saw how he pulled the sleeves all the way down to his fingers. Right there, in that moment, he became the frightened young boy in the middle of her kitchen five years ago.

She waited until he was almost at her table before standing up. What was she supposed to do? Shake his hand? Would that be too formal? Definitely not a hug. Too casual. They weren't friends. She wasn't sure if they were even anything at all. They had history, and not exactly the good kind, which was what brought them to this very moment, but it wasn't friendship. Unsure of what to do, she just chose to smile.

"Hi."

He only glanced up to meet her eyes. Everything about his demeanour told her that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be here. She didn't blame him.

"Rusty... I..." She swallowed. "Thank you so much for meetin' me."

"Brenda."

He said her name softly, as if he wasn't certain.

"Sit. Please."

She gestured at the other chair before sitting down herself. She felt his eyes on her. He was sizing her up, was trying to figure out what it was she wanted from him. She couldn't blame him. She folded her hands in her lap.

She'd text him a couple of days ago. She hadn't through it through, just sent the message. It hadn't been too hard to track down his cell phone number. She had not expected him to text her back, or even accept her invitation, but here they were.

"It's been a long time. I... I didn't think you'd come."

"Five years. And neither did I."

He put his drink down and looked up and this time he held her gaze. The eyes she found looking back at her no longer belonged to a teenager who had to get by on the streets by selling himself. The eyes she saw today belonged to a young man making his way in the world with confidence, who had found a way to leave the shadows of the past behind.

Rusty shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Listen, I don't wanna sound like a jerk or anything but... Why are you here? Aren't you like supposed to be in DC or something?"

His directness didn't surprise her. Brenda Leigh Johnson studied Rusty Beck for the longest of moments before answering and said, "You are not a jerk for askin', Rusty. Until recently I was in DC. But I moved back to Los Angeles."

"Why?"

She detected the suspicion in his voice immediately and it confirmed that although Rusty's life had turned around for the better, he still bore some signs of the time when his life was anything but good.

"Because I felt I needed to come back," she replied. "There are things... Things that I need to take care of. Things that are in Los Angeles." She was prepared to answer any questions he had but she was surprised when Rusty just nodded.

"Aren't you gonna ask me why I wanted to talk to you?" Brenda raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"I figured you'd tell me."

Brenda sighed and looked down at her folded hands. It seemed that the kid had picked up a trick or two from his mother. "I guess you're right." She took a deep breath and then said, "Rusty, I want to apologise."

"Apologise? Apologise for what?"

"For what happened." She paused. "That night. At my house." She was apologising for what Philip Stroh had done. For the fact he'd held a knife to Rusty's throat, had threatened to kill him, and had stabbed him in the leg.

"And for leavin' you the way I did. I should've called you, talked to you. And I knew you were lookin' for me and I... I didn't answer your calls."

Rusty's eyes had narrowed and he was scrutinising her now. "Are you in the programme? Is that what this is? Making amends?"

"Programme?"

"AA? GA? NA?"

"No," Brenda interjected when she realised Rusty thought she was following the twelve steps. "Rusty, that's not why I'm here. I'm not in AA, or anythin' else for that matter." She saw he was about to apologise for having made the assumption but she shook her head. The few curls that had escaped from the messy bun in the back of her neck danced in front of her eyes. "Don't. If I were you, I'd probably be thinkin' the same thing."

"So, you just wanted to talk about... what happened?" Rusty asked.

His eyes were still fixed on Brenda. She hadn't changed much since the last time he saw her. She wore jeans and a simple black sweatshirt that seemed to hang a little loose around her frame. Her reading glasses were tucked into the curls on top of her head. She looked relaxed and casual, which was a far cry from what she'd looked like the night she shot Philip Stroh. He remembered the anger in her eyes very vividly.

Brenda picked up her coffee and took a small sip from the strong flavoured liquid. It tasted bitter, left a burn on the tip of her tongue. She no longer craved sugar the way she once had.

"I just... I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I left you. I should've handled it better. You," she corrected herself, "I should've handled you better."

She'd gotten so lost in her own crazy world after everything came crashing down that she'd forgotten about everyone else. She'd forgotten about the people who had her back, about the kid who almost died in her own house.

"It's ok," Rusty admitted, causing Brenda's eyebrows to rise up. "I mean, it was rough but I ended up living with Sharon and then she adopted me and now my life is so much better." He looked up and through his eyelashes met Brenda's eyes and then he smiled. "Sharon is my mom. You... You gave me Sharon, even if you didn't start out that way. So maybe... Maybe I should be grateful to you."

Brenda watched the young man sitting in front of her. He wasn't that mouthy, angry teenager anymore. He sounded different, looked different.

"How is your Mama?" she asked and then she rephrased herself, "Sharon. How's Sharon?"

"She's good. Great, actually. She works a lot and she and Andy are really beginning to figure this whole relationship thing out." Rusty leaned back in his chair and saw the way Brenda's eyes widened. It was then that something connected and he cocked his head. The mention of his mother and Andy Flynn had surprised the former Chief.

"You didn't know, did you? Chief Howard didn't tell you?"

Brenda set her jaw. "No," she slowly replied and instinctively covered her left hand with her right to mask the absence of her wedding ring. It had become a habit in recent weeks. She didn't know how long it would be until she'd stop doing it.

"It's been a long time since your Mama and I spoke last. But I'm glad to hear she is doing fine." She tucked a stray curl behind her ear and effortlessly changed the subject, having spotted the book sticking out of the backpack Rusty had dropped at his feet when he sat down. "So, how's college?"

"Great. Classes are interesting," Rusty answered and his face lit up. "Hard work at times but I get plenty of time off so it's all good."

He told her about his classes and his tutors but just as they reached the subject of work experience, Rusty's phone rang. The ringtone was loud and Brenda guessed it was a song that was currently in the charts. He fished it out of the pocket of his jeans and Brenda thought she caught a glimpse of "mom" on the screen before Rusty answered.

"Hey, mom." He turned himself away from Brenda a little. "No, I'm just hanging out... with a friend..." He then checked his watch. "I can be home in thirty. Do I need to change?" There was a short pause and then he nodded. "Ok. I'll see you back home. Bye."

He hung up and apologetically looked at Brenda. "Sorry," he said. "My mom's arranged for us all to have lunch somewhere. Ricky's in town and we don't see him often so..."

"Of course," Brenda interjected and Rusty sighed in relief. "Go. You don't wanna keep your Mama waitin'."

Rusty picked up his backpack and swung it over his shoulder. He then shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and looked up at Brenda. Shyly he then said, "It was nice seeing you, Brenda. Maybe... Maybe we can do this again sometime?"

Brenda felt a smile rise on her face. "Sure. You've got my number. Text me."

"I will." He started to walk away but changed his mind and turned back round. Brenda saw the confusion in his eyes.

"Brenda, does my mom know you're here?"

Brenda picked at her nails. "No," she confessed. She saw the way Rusty looked at her. Puzzled, torn; as if he was trying to work out how to ask the next question. She said it before he could ask.

"But it's not a secret."

He smiled in relief. "Thank you." He gave her one last look and then turned around. "Bye."

"Bye, Rusty."

Brenda watched him leave the coffee shop and slumped back down in the arm chair. The nerves that had settled in her belly earlier were gone and she couldn't quite put into words how she felt. Relieved?

It wasn't exactly as if she hadn't thought of Rusty for all these years. It was just that after she left the LAPD and went to work at the DA's office, she did everything in her power to move away from her old life. She didn't see anyone, didn't speak to anyone, didn't turn up for Christmas parties and never accompanied Fritz to any LAPD functions. She'd closed the door to that part of her life and the only way to keep it closed was by pretending it didn't hurt. But, like with most things, all shadows and demons catch up eventually. In Brenda's case, the escape to Washington had only been the beginning of the end.

After a few more minutes of sitting in silence Brenda slipped her phone into her pocket, picked up her purse and left the coffee shop. The early afternoon sun was warm and soaked through her skin immediately. The dry heat of Los Angeles was a welcome change from the humidity of DC. Her hair certainly appreciated the West Coast air. She crossed the street and made her way around the block where she'd parked her car. She got behind the wheel, stuck the key in the ignition and moments later, with the radio playing the same song she'd heard blasting from Rusty's phone, she joined the relentless Los Angeles traffic and drove home.


	2. Chapter 2

The restaurant was not up-market but nice all the same. Located just off Melrose, the crowd consisted mainly of people on their lunch breaks. Sharon Raydor let her eyes wander around the large, brightly lit space. It was a habit that after decades working as a police officer she would never shake. To have a lunch break was a luxury not often afforded to the Major Crimes division; to have one outside the office for longer than an hour was near enough unheard of. But here she was, away from the office and with a precious afternoon off work, flanked by Andy Flynn on her right and her son Ricky in front of her. A rare afternoon of precious family time. She spotted Rusty as he walked into the restaurant, his cheeks flushed like he'd been running, and then relief filled his face when he saw his mom.

"Sorry I'm late," he apologised when he reached her. "Traffic." He bumped Ricky against his shoulder as he slipped into the vacant chair and dropped his backpack under the table.

"You look awful," he smirked.

"No, you look like you're about to win a beauty pageant," Ricky joked in return. "What happened to your hair?"

"What happened to yours? At least I've still got mine!"

"Boys," Sharon smiled. She loved the interaction between her middle and her youngest child. Whatever reservations Ricky had had when she'd first planned to adopt Rusty had long since vanished and they were friends now. Brothers, even.

"Sorry, mom," they uttered at the same time.

To hear those words coming from both their mouths made this afternoon already better than she could have imagined.

"So, what are we having?" Andy asked as he handed out the menus. His hand briefly covered Sharon's and she smiled at the touch. "It's not very often we get to eat out for lunch so I plan to make it worth my while."

"I can't believe you actually managed to get the afternoon off," Ricky said, his eyes fixed on his mother. He'd experienced plenty of Christmases, birthdays and other occasions where Sharon had worked so having this rare occasion seemed extra special.

Sharon pursed her lips and looked at her son from over the rim of her glasses. "Sometimes being the boss has its perks."

"Taylor's your boss," Rusty countered and Andy openly laughed.

"Taylor _thinks_ he's our boss, kid. Right, I'm having steak." He put down the menu. "Anyone else?"

Ricky also chose the steak, Rusty opted for, rather predictably, a hamburger and Sharon settled for the pasta and a side salad. When she gave the young waitress their order and watched her walk away, she sighed in relief and leaned a little further back in her seat.

From across the table she saw Rusty looking at her. He had that look he always got when he was worrying about her. She knew he was worried.

The past few days had been rough. Demons from a time she thought she'd left behind long ago had come back to haunt her in the shape of the unsolved murder of a police officer, a DDA and her bodyguard and the recent murder of a young woman and her three year old son. They were all connected but it had taken her to the very last moment to realise just what had brought the past and the present together. The investigation had dragged up painful memories and had brought her face to face with people she never had thought she'd see again, least of all Daniel Price, Peter Goldman and Mark Hickman.

To discover that the recent killer had been amongst them all along, had fooled them and lied to them, had been more devastating than anything else Sharon could've imagined. She wasn't sure she'd ever be able to forgive herself for trusting Stephanie Dunn, for failing to realise sooner that the Detective was responsible for the murder of her own husband years ago as well as the murder of DDA Grey. For the first time in her career, she had come to question her judgment. How had she worked alongside a woman who was responsible for the death of a three year old child?

Sharon rubbed the bridge of her nose. The headache she'd had ever since this case had started had still not fully gone. The ache was dull and lingered behind her eyes. She hadn't been able to suppress it with painkillers or caffeine and had eventually just grown to accept it. When she looked back up she found Rusty still watching her, concern flickering behind his eyes.

She slowly grew aware of the conversation Andy and Ricky were having about San Francisco and caught the end of what sounded like, "We'll have to come visit some time" when Ricky described the views over the Bay from the Golden Gate Bridge.

"I've been meaning to go down to San Francisco ever since Ricky moved five years ago," Sharon laughed. "So far, all we've ever managed is Ricky coming to Los Angeles."

"You should come!" Ricky looked from his mom to Andy and back. "Take a vacation. It won't kill you." He chuckled. "Or anyone else for that matter."

"You know what, maybe I will."

Ricky's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Are you going to show us around?"

"I'm not exactly a tour guide but I know a few nice places."

"Can I come?" Rusty piped up and Ricky looked at his brother.

"No, you can stay in LA." Then he grinned. "Of course you can come."

"Cool." Rusty looked at Sharon and Andy. His mom seemed more relaxed, like the thought of a vacation had eased some of the tension out of her face. She was leaning in towards Andy, her shoulder against his.

The waitress returned with their drinks and the message that their food would only be a few more minutes and then she disappeared again. Sharon pretended not to notice how Ricky's eyes lingered a moment too long on the woman's legs and instead sipped from her water. Under the table, her other hand found Andy's. Tonight, when they'd get home, they'd probably end up watching a movie together and eating popcorn and, for a little while at least, work would be far from her mind.

Sharon enjoyed hearing her son talk so when Andy questioned him about his work, she was fine to just sit back and listen as Ricky explained. He worked in computers and webs design and all that kind of flashy stuff she'd never really understood but he was passionate about it, the same way Emily was passionate about her dancing or Rusty about his journalism. Her children were all so different but they all had a passion.

Ricky was in the midst of sharing a story about working for a rather large business when the waitress appeared at their table with their food. She smiled as she told them to enjoy their meals and disappeared again.

The food tasted great and Sharon even stole a couple of fries from Rusty's plate when he wasn't looking. The atmosphere was warm and comfortable. Rusty, Andy and Rick did a good job at keeping the conversation going, allowing her the precious moments to observe and watch them.

"Who were you with when I called you earlier? You said it was a friend, so not Gus then?" Sharon asked once they'd all finished eating and Rusty was about to empty his glass of diet coke. "Was it a friend from school?"

"No," Rusty answered quickly. He chewed the inside of his cheek. Brenda had said that her being back in Los Angeles wasn't a secret. But did that mean that he really should be the one to tell Sharon?

"It was just someone I..."

His sentence was cut off by Sharon's phone ringing, almost immediately followed by Andy's. They shared a look before glancing at their screens. Provenza was calling Sharon, Sykes' name flashed across Andy's screen.

Andy picked up his phone. "Well, this isn't gonna be good."

"Lieutenant?" Sharon asked as soon as she answered. "What is it?"

Green eyes widened behind her glasses and she sat up straight. The napkin she'd placed in her lap fell down to the floor and her hand shot out to Andy's arm. Her eyes then darted to her watch.

"How long?" A few moments of silence followed and then she said, "You know what to do. Get the command post up and running, get all available patrol cars to start a search in the local area. Has the Amber alert been sent out?"

Rusty's heart sank. An Amber alert was never good.

"We can meet you there in half an hour," Sharon said, making eye contact with Andy and he nodded. "I want everyone out there doing everything that can be done, understood?" The undertone in her voice was severe. "I want this little boy found. Alive."

She stood up from her chair, picked up her blazer and turned to her sons. "I'm sorry," she apologised as next to her Andy fixed his tie. We have to go." She singled out Rusty. "Tell me about your friend later, yeah?"

He nodded and solemnly watched as Sharon and Andy left the restaurant.

The drive towards the crime scene was quiet. Andy hadn't switched on the radio or the scanner, something Sharon was grateful for. It allowed her to organise her thoughts and plan her moves in silence. She knew she had to plan ahead and cover all possible scenarios, including the ones she didn't want to think about.

Andy cut through the silence. "Ricky's a good kid, Sharon."

His voice startled her, almost as if someone had woken her from a daydream, and she blinked a couple of times before nodding in agreement. "He is. But he wasn't always."

Ricky had been her problem child. He had struggled more than Emily with the fact Jack would often be absent for months. He was a teenager when he started protesting to some of the rules Sharon had in their house and would try and push her to see if she'd give in.

Sharon had known Ricky needed more time than Emily to realise and understand as well as accept what was going on between her and Jack and why he had left. Perhaps it was because Emily had always had a better intuition and she'd sensed something was wrong, or maybe Ricky had just been unwilling to accept that his father wasn't the man he once was.

It had all come to a head one night when Ricky accused her of not letting him see his dad after Jack had failed to turn up for another planned weekend with his children and Emily had jumped in between them and shouted, "Dad's a drunk, Ricky. He cares more about booze than he does about you." The tears in her daughter's eyes as well as the look on her son's face as whatever image of his father he had left was shattered, was one that Sharon would never forget.

From that moment on, Ricky's view of his father changed and he saw Jack for what he was; a drunk with a gambling addiction who had abandoned his family. Both he and Emily just grew to accept the disappointment whenever Jack didn't keep an appointment. After missing Thanksgiving, Christmas and every single school play several years in a row, they expected nothing less.

And right now she was heading out to a crime scene where a mother was anxiously awaiting news about her missing child, desperate to just hold him in her arms again, and the sharp pang of anger towards Jack shot through Sharon's chest. He had never cared about his children's wellbeing at all. It had only ever been about his own selfish needs. The man she married, the man she had once loved, had changed into someone she no longer recognised.

Andy rolled up along the kerb and parked behind another patrol car. The scene Sharon encountered when she got out of the passenger's side of Andy's dark blue sedan was one of organised chaos. The command post had been put up in the middle of the street and people were walking in and out, crossing the lawn towards the house she guessed was where the parents of the missing boy lived. She spotted Taylor talking to several camera crews and her heart rate quickened when she saw Chief Fritz Howard give instructions to some of his SOB officers. Had there been a development that warranted his presence here? It was only when she came closer that she realised that the people she believed to be SOB were actually FBI Agents and Fritz had clearly been drafted back into his old position as FBI liaison. When he spotted Sharon and Andy he waved for them to come closer. From inside the command centre Provenza appeared.

"Captain," Fritz greeted.

"Chief Howard."

"We have sent out officers for door to door enquiries. An FBI team is running images from traffic cams. We are looking for a silver SUV with tinted windows that was last seen in this street two hours ago. One of the neighbour's reported seeing it near the playground yesterday too. No description of the driver."

Sharon nodded and looked at Provenza. "Lieutenant?"

"Oliver Grey, aged six. He was last seen playing in his family's front yard around 12 o'clock this afternoon. We've got the K-9 unit out and the dogs have picked up a scent but nothing so far. Like Chief Howard said, we are looking for a silver SUV. Roadblocks are in place and traffic police is pulling over every car that matches the description. Nothing so far."

"Captain?" Julio interrupted them. "I got a list of known sex offenders living in the area. There are three and all are the lowest grade. I've contacted their parole officers and they are on their way down but I don't think any of these perverts is our guy."

"Why?" Sharon wanted to know.

"Two have a preference for little girls and the other teenage boys. Oliver doesn't fall in their target group."

"And paedophiles don't usually change targets," Sharon sighed. "Thank you, Julio." She looked back at Provenza. "How's the mother?"

"In shock. Amy's with her. We've called for a doctor because Amy thinks she's about to have a breakdown."

Sharon turned to Andy. "I want you to make a list of anyone who has had access to Oliver in recent times." He just nodded and walked away. Sharon then fixed her gaze back on Provenza. "What are our chances?"

"Only two hours missing..." He didn't have to finish that sentence. The first 24 hours were critical but sometimes that didn't matter. "I am about to talk to the woman who saw the SUV yesterday. If we can figure out where it came from then maybe we can find some camera footage somewhere. I'm taking Buzz with me."

"Good luck," Sharon said and then turned towards the house. The front door was open, silently inviting her into the world of devastation that lay behind it. She took a deep breath, pushed her hands into the pockets of her blazer and slowly walked up the front porch steps.

*

It had been eight hours but going home whilst little Oliver Grey was still out there wasn't an option for her so instead she locked the door to her office, drew the blinds and covered her head with her hands as she sat at her desk. Outside the four walls of her little private space, her people were organising the evidence they'd gathered over the last few hours and were creating a timeline.

She rocked herself on her elbows, desperately willing the headache that thumped behind her eyes to go away. She had some Tylenol somewhere but even just looking for it felt like too much effort. She was tired but when the knock on her door came, her head whipped up and she softly called for whoever it was to enter. When she saw Amy appear in the doorway, her eyes darted past the young detective and saw the men stand closely together, their faces solemn. Her heart sank.

"Captain?" Amy's voice was fragile. "We just received a report from the coast guard." She swallowed hard. Her eyes had lost their usual shine. The strain of the long day was visible on her face. "They found a body in the water."

Sharon didn't ask. She couldn't bring herself to. So she just looked at the other woman and when Amy averted her eyes, she knew.

Their critical missing had just become a murder investigation.


	3. Chapter 3

Gavin's office hadn't changed and Brenda wasn't sure if that was reassuring or unnerving. The last time she'd physically sat in this office was a few years ago, her husband at her side, as she faced the likely possibility she would lose everything she held most dear. But Gavin Q Baker had proven himself to be a savvy lawyer and he'd won the lawsuit, or had it thrown out, but he had also sold Brenda out by accepting a settlement during the federal lawsuit. She wasn't sure she'd ever get over the existence of the Johnson Rule but she had come to accept it. She and Gavin had met up for dinner about a year after she left the LAPD and had spoken honestly and openly about what had happened and now it was water under the bridge. The fact that Brenda now found herself sitting in his office again was unexpected to say the least.

"So," Gavin peered over his glasses and scrutinised Brenda's face. "What kind of mess did you get yourself into this time, young lady?"

She scrunched her nose at the use of the words 'young lady.' She was about ten years older than Gavin but by now she knew his mannerisms and the words he chose. It wasn't ever going to change.

"Fritz wants to turn this whole thing into a fight and I have no idea why. I thought we were solvin' this whole thing amicably but..."

Gavin sat up in his chair. His eyes had narrowed and he studied Brenda for the longest of moments and then asked, "Who's Sarah Wyatt?"

Brenda's head whipped up and she stared at the blonde lawyer in shock. She had never expected that name to be rolling off his tongue. "How do you know about her?"

"The real question is, how does Fritz know about her?" He sighed and Brenda looked at him, puzzled. Gavin opened the top drawer of his desk and took out a white envelope, removed its content and held it up for Brenda to see.

"I received papers from Fritz's lawyer yesterday contesting the irreconcilable differences stated in your divorce application and claiming adultery as the real reason for your divorce. It even mentions the person by name."

He pushed the papers towards her and Brenda slumped in her chair, her hands in her hair.

"Well, shit."

"You can say that again. He was going to find out sooner or later, Brenda. In every divorce, all the dirt eventually comes out. What I don't understand is how Fritz's lawyer knows about this but I didn't! Didn't I tell you not to keep secrets?"

"It only lasted a couple of months!"

"Once is enough. And it seriously changes the way this whole divorce thing is going to go."

Brenda covered her face in her hands. Things were just going from bad to worse. "So what happens now?"

"Now it gets ugly."

She groaned. The divorce proceedings had been going on for about three months now. Up until this point it had mainly been going backwards and forwards between Gavin and Fritz's lawyer. He was playing hardball and part of her understood why. Fritz didn't want a divorce but she couldn't carry on like this anymore. It seemed that now that Fritz had found out about her life in Washington, or part of it at least, it seemed he'd changed his mind.

"So it's true then?" Gavin asked, snapping Brenda out of her thoughts.

"What's true?"

"You were seeing this woman?" He sounded surprised and Brenda didn't miss the way the lawyer's eyes widened behind his glasses.

"Yes," she admitted, without a hint of reluctance in her voice. "I was. For a little while. It ended some time ago."

"So you're..."

Gavin didn't finish that sentence.

"Gay?" Brenda arched an eyebrow. "Yes, I guess you could say that."

"Oh my." Gavin genuinely looked surprised. "I did not see that coming. Now I understand why you want to divorce Chief Howard. I couldn't figure it out but now... Now I see. Closet got a little cramped, did it?"

Brenda smirked and tucked a curl behind her ear. "What do you know about closets?" She was pretty sure Gavin had been born with a rainbow flag in his hand.

Gavin didn't answer because his gaze was drawn to the TV in the corner of his office. It had been on mute when Brenda walked in but now Gavin reached for the remote and turned up the volume. The reporter, a brunette woman who clutched a microphone and was dressed in a light blue blouse and wore bright red lipstick, looked straight into the camera, her eyes filled with sadness.

"The LAPD have confirmed that the body found late last night in the marina is indeed that of six year old Oliver Grey, the little boy who went missing from his front yard yesterday afternoon."

The woman appeared to be standing in a residential street and Brenda saw the yellow crime scene tape and black and white police cruisers behind her. She also saw the people walking around and slowly her gaze was drawn to two figures standing on the sidewalk. A strange feeling settled in the pit of her stomach when she recognised Andy Flynn and Julio Sanchez.

"Lord have mercy on the poor soul who has to defend whoever killed that boy," Gavin sighed and removed his glasses to wipe his eyes. "They'll instantly become the most hated person in Los Angeles."

Brenda was about to speak when she noticed the third figure walking into the image. By now she no longer heard what the reporter was saying and stared solely at the three people on the sidewalk. In her chest her heart skipped a beat and she let her hands fall in her lap, brown eyes fixed on the woman in the black pencil skirt, matching black blazer and light pink blouse.

Sharon Raydor hadn't changed since the last time she saw her. The sunlight reflected off her auburn hair and when she turned slightly, becoming aware of the camera that was trained on her, Brenda saw how Sharon appeared to flinch.

Brenda sighed and tore her eyes away from the screen. She hadn't spoken to Sharon in a long time. Had Rusty told Sharon that Brenda was back in Los Angeles? If Sharon knew, would she have called by now? Brenda wasn't sure if Sharon would call even if she did know.

The relationship between her and Sharon had been complicated to say the least. They'd been nothing short of enemies when their paths first crossed but over time, and with a lot of effort which, Brenda had to admit, came mostly from Sharon, they'd worked their way to something that could perhaps be called a friendship. And then... Things fell apart.

Because Brenda did something stupid.

She only became aware of Gavin's gaze when she felt his eyes boring into her and slowly she looked up. He had this way of just knowing stuff, even if she didn't say anything, and right now she seemed as clear as glass to him. His jaw dropped a little as he glanced from Brenda back to the TV screen before looking back at the blonde again.

"Still?" He whispered.

"What?"

"You're still in love with her, aren't you?"

Brenda bit back a retort that would have been filled with expletives and instead dug her nails into the armrest of the chair and pursed her lips. "Like it ain't bad enough you know all my personal business from DC," she said and stood up. "I am not havin' this conversation with you. Deal with the paperwork and call me when it's done."

She slammed the door behind her, adrenaline pulsating through her veins, and leaned against it with her back. It felt as if something had been ripped open inside her, an invisible wound that couldn't be seen, only felt. Brenda took a couple of deep breaths to force herself to calm down.

Gavin wasn't wrong. She was in love with Sharon Raydor and it felt like she had been since forever. Most of the time the feeling just simmered in the background, like a tiny flame not quite prepared to die, and then sometimes, in moments like this, it would come back to life and engulf her, destroying yet another little piece of herself.

Brenda pulled her phone out of her pocket and saw she had two missed calls. One was from Fritz, one was an unknown number. And there was one voicemail, also from Fritz. She guessed Fritz wanted to talk to her, or yell at her, about this whole thing. It wouldn't be the first time he'd left a message accusing her of deliberately ignoring his calls. She just wasn't in the mood.

She opened up her text messages and found Rusty's name near the top. The last message was his confirmation of the place and time for yesterday's meeting. Brenda took a deep breath and then typed a new message.

_"Did you get a chance to tell your Mama that I'm in Los Angeles?"_

The little three dots at the bottom of her screen indicated Rusty was typing a reply. She smirked. Teenagers; they were never far from their phones. His message appeared on her screen moments later.

_"No, not yet. I was going to but she rolled out. Why?"_

Brenda typed her reply, hit send and watched as her words were sent.

_"Maybe it's better if you don't."_

She didn't wait for his reply. She wasn't sure if she even wanted to read it because he would only ask her why and she couldn't answer that question. So instead she shoved her phone back in her bag and walked down the corridor to the elevator.

When she reached the ground floor lobby she fled out of the building and gulped in the fresh air. The sun felt warm on her skin. It was just after midday and the temperatures were soaring. The weather report from that morning had claimed that by tomorrow evening a storm was supposed to hit but right now, Los Angeles looked every bit as hot as people assumed it to be.

Brenda was about to cross the street when she became aware of the two people approaching. At first she wasn't sure if her eyes were deceiving her but when the two figures came closer, she knew. She'd recognise that ugly white sunhat anywhere.

"Chief?!"

She flinched at being called that name. It had been a long time since anyone had called her that. But she smiled anyway.

"Lieutenant!"

"I thought you were in Washington!" Provenza exclaimed once he saw her.

"Not anymore," Brenda answered. She smiled. "Surprise."

She felt her heart sink. This was not how she had intended for things to go. So far she'd managed to avoid letting anyone know she was back, aside from Fritz but he didn't care enough to let anyone else know. She had meant to get in touch but the longer she waited, the harder it had become.

"I was goin' to call," she added, fully aware of the fact Provenza was scrutinising her. She could see the wheels in his head turning. Running into him right outside of Gavin's office was less than ideal. It didn't take a genius to add the pieces together. "I just... Lost track of time."

Provenza looked from Brenda to the woman next to him and back. Brenda had never seen her before but she was clearly working at Major Crimes now. Provenza did the introductions. "Detective Amy Sykes, meet former Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson."

"Nice to meet you," Amy said and extended her hand and Brenda shook it. Amy had a firm handgrip, she noticed. The younger woman's' brown eyes met Brenda's and she smiled. "I've heard a lot about you."

"Most of it is probably lies," Brenda replied, very well aware that most of what Amy Sykes had heard was probably the truth. She looked at the two detectives. "What brings you here?"

"What brings anyone to a lawyer's office but trouble?" Provenza replied and gestured at the building. "We've got to get going but it was nice seeing you, Chief. Don't be a stranger."

"I won't," Brenda replied and waited until Provenza and Sykes had disappeared inside the building before crossing the street and walking to her car.

*

There were certain images she'd never be able to forget. There were faces that haunted her, followed her, every day of her life. Over time they'd found a place in her life but they were never far away. In some ways, she was never really alone.

Seeing Oliver Grey, his body lifeless and pale, eyes wide open but unseeing, on an autopsy table where his tiny body brutally lit up by the unforgiving bright light that showered every bruise and every scar, was one of those images Sharon knew she would never be able to forget. Part of her didn't want to. She had to hold on to them to remind herself she was still human, that she could still feel something when she stepped into the morgue and was confronted by death again.

She'd watched silently as Dr Morales did what he needed to do. He didn't talk much. His silence said more than words ever could and with every passing minute Sharon had grown more aware of the heavy feeling in her heart. She'd tried to keep her eyes trained on Oliver's face, had tried to imagine him smiling, but it just hurt too much. The anger coiled deep in her stomach. She wanted to find the monster responsible for this and she wouldn't rest until she had. She owed it to his mother and she owed it to Oliver.

She left the morgue feeling sick and dirty and instead of returning to the squad room, she drove home. She wanted a shower even though she wasn't sure any amount of water could rinse off how she felt. She didn't switch the radio on in the car. The silence was a welcome distraction.

Sharon dropped her keys in the porcelain bowl by the door when she walked into the condo and slipped off her shoes. She heard the TV before she'd rounded the corner and found Rusty sitting on the couch, phone in his hand. His head whipped up when he heard her walk in and his cheeks instantly flushed pink a little.

"Mom!"

"Hey," Sharon smiled.

Rusty shoved his phone clumsily under a pillow and jumped up. Sharon saw it and narrowed her eyes for a moment before being enveloped in her son's embrace. She welcomed the hug and wrapped her arms around Rusty in return, resting her head on his shoulder.

"What are you doing home?" Rusty asked softly once he let go off her. "You look awful."

Sharon detected a hint of nerves in his voice, noticed the way he pulled at the sleeves of his sweater and only glanced at her for the briefest of moments. She understood she'd clearly walked in on something, the hidden phone being the main clue, and she stored that information in the back of her mind. She'd address it later, after the shower. She couldn't do this now.

"I've been in the morgue all morning," she explained. She knew she didn't have to say much else. "And I really want a shower."

"That kid you've been looking for?"

"Sadly, yes." Oliver Grey's face flashed before her eyes. For a moment she could smell that distinct scent of the morgue again. Antiseptic mixed with the smell of death. A smell that seemed to cling to your skin long after leaving.

Sharon's eyes darted to the pillow she knew hid Rusty's phone. "Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. I was just gonna... Gonna go and get a soda." He headed for the kitchen and turned around just before disappearing. "Do you want anything?"

She shook her head. She knew there was something he wasn't telling her but he was a young man, barely outgrown his teenage years, and everyone had secrets. It just happened to be that whenever Rusty had them, the consequences were a little more severe.

She left him to it in the kitchen and walked down the hallway to her bedroom. She'd left the door ajar when she left for work that morning and the sight of her neatly made bed made her long for a solid night's sleep. She knew she wouldn't have one for weeks, because Oliver Grey's face would appear in her dreams.

She stripped off and threw her clothes in the hamper in the en-suite bathroom. She avoided looking at her own reflection in the mirror because she didn't want to see who, or what, was staring back at her, switched on the shower and stepped under the warm flow of water. Slowly Sharon let her head fall back, closed her eyes and exhaled deeply as drops of water rained down her cheeks.

*

Sharon walked into the Major Crimes squad room an hour later, her hands pushed in the pockets of her black blazer, and her hair smelling of shampoo instead of decomp. When she walked in she immediately became aware of the buzz of excitement lingered in the air. She saw her detectives gathered around Provenza's desk. Sykes sat on the edge and Sharon overheard her say, "She looked nothing like I imagined."

"What's going on?" Sharon asked and everyone looked up.

"Provenza and Sykes had a bit of an interesting run in earlier," Andy replied. "Guess who is back in Los Angeles?"

Sharon furrowed her brow. She had no idea what Andy was talking about. "Who?"

"Brenda Leigh Johnson."

Sharon took a deep breath. "What?"

Julio was practically beaming. "The Chief! She's back!"


	4. Chapter 4

She'd drawn the blinds to her office, effectively shutting out the goings on in the Murder Room. Somehow the walls seemed to be closing in on her. The discovery that Brenda Leigh Johnson was back in Los Angeles was startling. How long had she been back? And why? Last Sharon heard, Brenda had accepted the job at the Home Office in Washington DC. That had been over a year ago.

Why hadn't Brenda called? They weren't exactly best friends but they'd managed to establish some sort of a relationship in the months leading up to Brenda's departure from the LAPD. What Brenda had been through, what they'd both been through, had not been easy but it had had also helped and shape their futures. It had meant Brenda losing Major Crimes and Sharon gaining it. After that, they'd drifted apart.

Sharon rubbed at her temples. The dull ache seemed to have taken up permanent residence there and no amount of Tylenol appeared to be shifting it. Her shoulders and neck were stiff; the lack of sleep had seeped into her bones and her body objected. Outside the walls of her office her division was trying to piece together who was responsible for Oliver Grey's death.

Her mind drifted back to earlier that day. Rusty had been hiding his phone from her. Clearly there was something he didn't want her to see. She wondered what it was. It could very well be nothing, she knew that, but at the same time... Rusty did have history when it came to withholding things from her.

Sharon's eyes drifted to the phone on her desk. Brenda's number, or at least she assumed it was still Brenda's, sat under the number five, after Rusty, Emily, Ricky and Andy. She'd only have to press it to call her. What would she say? Did Brenda even want her to call?

She picked up the receiver, acutely aware that her hands had gone clammy, she felt strangely nervous as she went to press the number 5 when suddenly the door to her office flew open without warning. Sharon slammed down the phone and looked up. Julio looked flustered and excited all at the same time and she realised something had happened.

"Captain, we've found the silver SUV. And better yet, we've found the driver too."

Sharon stood and followed Julio out of her office. She felt the excitement; it crackled in the air. She didn't see Amy or Andy and assumed that they were with the driver. Provenza looked up as she entered the Murder Room.

"What have we got?" she asked, singling out the older lieutenant.

"Traffic pulled over a silver SUV ten miles from where Oliver Grey was last scene. Tao ran the plates and it matches with the car seen on the security footage from one of the shops," Provenza answered. "Flynn and Amy are with him. His name is Jason Scott Anderson."

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

She turned on her heel and walked out of the Murder Room, hesitating for a moment outside the media room. It was where she observed most of the interrogations and interviews but today she walked right past and instead knocked on the door to interview two before opening it. She stepped into the room and something in her demeanour changed when she laid eyes on the man sitting at the table across from detectives

She guessed Jason Scott Anderson to be about forty years old, maybe a bit younger. His face was difficult to read. His skin was tanned, almost burnt. It was the skin of someone who had spent a lot of time out in the sun without sunscreen. He had dark brown hair that was starting to thin near his temples and there were a few fine streaks of grey visible here and there. He wore a light blue t-shirt with a surf logo across the chest and khaki coloured pants.

"I'm Captain Sharon Raydor," she said, her voice calm yet full of authority. Her eyes fixed on him and he looked up. Staring back at her were steel blue eyes filled with defiance.

"Why am I here?" he demanded to know. "Why did you drag me in here like I'm some kind of criminal?"

Sharon made eye contact with Amy and the younger woman stood up. Without speaking Amy left the interview room and Sharon sat down in her place. She folded her hands on the cool surface of the table and slowly looked up.

"Mr Anderson, you are here because your car was seen near the house of Oliver Grey, the six year old boy who was kidnapped from his front yard yesterday morning," Sharon stated. "We also have footage of your car circling the neighbourhood where Oliver Grey lived."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

She wasn't surprised to hear those words.

Andy reached into the folder that lay in front of him and pulled out two pictures. Both showed the silver SUV and its licence plate. The pictures were grainy, the downside of security footage, but it was definitely the same car.

"We checked this licence plate and it is registered to you. Can you tell us why you were driving it around this neighbourhood?"

"What day was that?" Anderson barked.

"This was the day before yesterday."

"I don't remember."

Sharon arched an eyebrow. "You don't remember where you were the day before yesterday?"

"Lady, I don't even remember what I had for breakfast!"

"So I guess you also don't remember where you were yesterday around the time Oliver Grey was kidnapped? Even though your car was seen in his street around the time he disappeared?"

Anderson shook his head and defiantly crossed his arms in front of his chest. He glared at Sharon. His eyes were cold and distant. "Must be some other car."

Sharon felt frustration bubble up in the pit of her stomach. She just knew there was something shady about this guy. The pictures were clear. He had been in Oliver's street near his house when the boy was kidnapped. She knew that back in the Murder Room, the rest of her team were trying to prove just that.

She swallowed hard, "Is there any way that you can prove your whereabouts for the last two days?"

"How do you want me to do that?"

"Why don't you tell me," Andy challenged. He pushed a notepad and pen towards Anderson. "Start writing."

Andy stood up and Sharon moved to follow him. He held the door as she filed past him into the corridor. Sharon glanced over her shoulder and saw Anderson stare at the wall and then Andy closed the door.

"Are you ok?" he asked softly.

Sharon sighed. "I know he's involved somehow. I just know it."

She removed her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. She was tired. She wanted to go home. Ricky and Rusty were there. She should be spending time with them, enjoying the fact her son was home for the weekend, and instead here she was breathing in the same air as the guy behind that door.

Sharon leaned with her back against the wall. She felt her skin crawl. "I don't know, Andy. There's something going on with Rusty. And Ricky, I really should be seeing him. He's only here till tomorrow. I just want to go home."

Andy studied her for a moment. "Then go." He put a hand on her arm. "Come on, I'll drive you."

"Andy..."

He looked like he was about to say something more, but the look on Sharon's face made him think better of it.

"No. Andy, no," she dismissed with a small shake of her head.

With that she turned and walked back towards her office leaving Andy standing in the corridor, mouth agape.

As Sharon walked back through the now empty Murder Room she was horrified to realise what had just happened. Did she snap at Andy for no obvious reason? She couldn't remember ever having done that before. Not like this, anyway. Sharon froze in her step and for a moment contemplated turning around and finding him to apologise but just as quickly changed her mind. Sharon closed her eyes, took a deep breath and walked into her office, picked up her purse from the back of the door and turned around to leave.

When she reached the elevator she looked over her shoulder and saw Andy watching her. He was on his way back to the murder room, she guessed. He didn't speak and Sharon looked away when the elevator doors opened. She stepped inside without saying goodbye.

*

Sharon stuck the key in the lock, opened the door and stepped into the condo. She heard the sound of the TV, it sounded like the credits of some kind of action TV show. Sharon took off her shoes and shrugged herself out of her blazer, leaving it on the table by the door, and walked into the living room. Rusty and Ricky were sitting on the couch and what she'd guessed were the credits to a TV show was actually the opening music to a movie.

"Hey, mom!" Ricky greeted her. "You're home early."

Sharon smiled. It was a genuine smile. Being here, seeing her sons, erased some of the frustration she'd felt. She circled the couch and sank down between her two children. Rusty scooted over a little to give her more space as he picked up one of the pillows, pressing it against his chest.

"How was your day?" Sharon inquired, her gaze fixing on Ricky. "Did you have a nice time catching up with Thomas?"

"He's getting married," Ricky asserted and shook his head in disbelief. "When did that happen? I mean, last time we saw each other he was still a kid and now..." He chuckled. "Definitely reminded me not to settle down just yet."

"Yeah?" Sharon arched an eyebrow in amusement. "What's wrong with getting married?"

"Nothing. I just can't imagine doing it at twenty-five, that's all."

Sharon smiled. Thomas was Ricky's oldest friend. They had been friends since kindergarten and had practically grown up together. After Ricky moved to San Francisco they only saw each other a few times a year. Hearing that Thomas, the little boy with the messy brown curls and torn jeans that had whizzed around her kitchen like some kind of small tornado, was about to get married was a harsh reminder that her own children were growing up fast.

"And you'd actually need a girl who's prepared to put up with you," Rusty chimed in. It resulted in a handful of popcorn being thrown his way and Sharon reminding Ricky he would be the one to clean that up.

Rusty ducked just in time to avoid the food hitting him in the face and chuckled. When he looked back up he found Sharon looking at him.

"How was your meeting with your friend yesterday?" She asked the question neutrally but her trained eye noticed the way Rusty's cheeks flushed a hint of pink. He averted his eyes and looked down at his hands. In the back of Sharon's mind alarm bells went off.

"Fine," Rusty muttered.

"Was it someone from school?"

"It was just a friend."

Rusty chewed the inside of his cheek, silently condemning Brenda for putting him in this position. He didn't want to lie to Sharon but Brenda had asked him not to tell. He couldn't bring himself to look at his mother because he knew Sharon would be able to see.

Sharon looked at her son but before she could ask anything else, Ricky stood up and announced he was getting a drink and did she want anything. When she softly answered she'd like a glass of wine, the moment was gone. She shot one last glance at Rusty but he was staring at the TV, doing his best to avoid her gaze.

Sharon leaned back into the pillows of the couch and gratefully accepted the glass Ricky brought her. She'd just taken a small sip when she heard and felt Rusty's phone vibrate. It lay between them, half tucked into the couch. Rusty reached for it and Sharon could see he'd received a test message but couldn't make out the name of the sender.

Rusty unlocked his phone and opened up the text. Brenda's message was short. _I need to talk to you. Can we meet?_

He wrote a quick reply back and hit send. _Where and when?_

Brenda's answer popped up moments later and Rusty read it twice before slipping his phone back in his pocket. He shot Sharon a sideways glance. She looked tired. Her eyes were focused on the TV but he didn't think she was watching. He put down the pillow he'd been clutching and shifted in his seat. It felt wrong, doing this. But he did it anyway.

"Is it alright if I go out?"

Sharon looked up in surprise. "Out?"

Rusty looked flustered. "I just thought that maybe you and Ricky would like to spend some quality time together. You two don't see each other much and you like, see me all the time so..." He faked a smile, trying to sound convincing. "And we're out of soda so I was going to get some."

Sharon's eyes narrowed. Every fibre of her body told her Rusty was hiding something. Here he was, asking to go out just before dinner after receiving a text message. And he wasn't even trying to hide it. Sure, he was trying to come up with an excuse but he wasn't trying very hard.

"Ok," Sharon said and observed the relief on Rusty's face. "Go."

Rusty detected the hint of nerves in Sharon's voice. The way she spoke changed when she was anxious and right now, he knew she was trying to figure out what was going on. He held her gaze just long enough to reassure her he really was ok and then turned around, picked up his rucksack from behind the arm chair and swung it over his shoulder.

*

Brenda's apartment was only twenty minutes from the condo. Rusty parked up outside the building and got out of the car. The sprinklers were on, doing their best to keep the grass green, and he walked along the neatly kept lawn to the building's front door. It opened up into a small but brightly lit lobby with a single elevator, large mirrors on the wall and the ugliest painting of a vase full of flowers he'd ever seen.

He pressed the button for the third floor and watched as the doors slid shut. His heart pounded in his throat as the elevator started to move. A soft ping announced he'd arrived and the doors opened, revealing a corridor with white walls and a wooden floor. There were doors on either side, six in total. He walked down the corridor until he reached the last door. A little wooden white heart had been nailed to the door and elegant black letters spelt the words 'home sweet home'. He took a deep breath and knocked.

The door opened moments later and he looked up into Brenda Leigh Johnson's big brown eyes. She wore jeans and a simple white button down shirt. Her face lit up into a smile when she saw Rusty.

"Rusty, thank you for comin'." She opened the door a little further to invite him in and he stepped into the hallway. The wooden floor from the corridor outside continued here.

"Can I get you anything? Soda? Water?" She shot him a quick glance.

"An explanation."

Brenda momentarily froze before continuing further into the apartment. Rusty followed her. Brenda's apartment seemed to be a bit smaller than Sharon's condo. He saw a door to his right. It was slightly ajar, the light was on and the walls were tiled. Bathroom. He guessed that the door across from it would lead to the master bedroom.

By now he found himself standing in Brenda's living room. It was bright, with a high ceiling and tall windows that overlooked the street below. The wooden floors continued here but the living room was decorated with a stylish rug. A brown fabric sofa and two cream coloured arm chairs matched with an oak coffee table. A coat had been haphazardly thrown over the armchair of one of the chairs and Brenda's high heeled pumps had been discarded in the middle of the room. A stash of paperwork, reading glasses as well as an empty wine glass and a half eaten chocolate bar hid most of the table from view.

Brenda's kitchen was about the same size as Sharon's, with white units and matching white splash back tiles. There was a breakfast bar with two black leather barstools and a small round dining table with four chairs. There were two dirty coffee mugs in the sink. An open bag of Cheetos lay next to the toaster.

Brenda turned around, her hand on the fridge door. "Are you sure you don't want a drink?"

Rusty shook his head. "I'm good. What I want to know is why you don't want me to tell my mom you're back in town."

"It's a long story, Rusty."

"I thought you two were friends? She helped you!" Rusty looked at the blonde woman. "Why don't you want her to know?"

Brenda sighed. "To be honest, I don't know."

"I'm sure she'd be happy to see you," Rusty said.

Brenda pulled a face. "Don't be too certain of that, Mr Beck."

"Why don't you come over for dinner tomorrow night?"

"What?" Brenda's eyes widened. "I can't do that, Rusty."

"Why not?"

"Me coming for dinner would mean actually telling Sharon, don't you think?" She looked at the young man standing in her kitchen. He seemed so confident Sharon would be ok about her coming for dinner even though Brenda herself wasn't sure.

Rusty looked at Brenda and sighed. "Then tell her."

Brenda closed her eyes. This was not what she'd wanted to happen. First Provenza and Sykes, now this. Did she even know for sure Sharon didn't know she was here? She imagined Provenza to have told her by now. Or maybe he hadn't? Sharon hadn't called. Would she have, if she knew?

There really was only one way out of this and when she opened her eyes she found Rusty watching her.

"I had to lie to get out of the house tonight." He had not intended for it to sound sharp but it came out that way anyway. "Brenda, all I'm saying is that maybe you should just..."

"Ok," she cut him off and raised her hands as if to surrender herself. "Ok."

"What?" Rusty blinked.

"Dinner. Tomorrow night."

He couldn't believe it. "You're coming?"

Brenda nodded. "But you're telling Sharon," she said. For the briefest of moments he caught a glimpse of the woman who had talked to him in that interview room all those years ago. She was still there. Deputy Chief Johnson. The flash from the past was gone before he had chance to really process it and Brenda continued, "You're telling her all of it."

*

He didn't find Sharon in the living room when he came home. Ricky was watching TV and pointed in the direction of the corridor. Rusty quietly made his way over to his mother's bedroom and hesitated for a moment. The door was closed. He knocked and almost immediately he heard, "Come in."

He opened the door and found Sharon sitting at the end of the bed. She'd changed clothes and was wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt. She had removed her glasses and her face was make-up free. Sharon looked up when Rusty came in and their gazes locked.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" She asked softly. "Why did you have to go out tonight?"

Rusty plucked at some invisible fluff on his shirt. "I... I don't want you to be mad." He couldn't bring himself to look at her and kept his eyes fixed on the carpet.

Sharon swallowed. So he had been withholding something from her. The realisation hurt. Up until now it had been just a suspicion but now he had confirmed it. She thought they'd reached the point in their relationship where he didn't need to lie to her anymore. Did he not trust her?

"Rusty, you can tell me anything," Sharon said calmly. She didn't get up but patted down on the comforter, inviting him to sit next to her. "You know that, don't you?"

"I know. It's just that... Someone asked me to keep a promise and I... I wanted to keep it." He peered up at Sharon through his eyelashes and she felt the sharp pain of hurt in her chest.

"The thing about being a friend is being able to trust someone, isn't it?" Rusty didn't sound too certain as he asked this question.

"And about them trusting you," Sharon added softly. She looked at her son. "So what's changed?"

"I asked them why they wanted me to keep their secret."

Sharon waited. She only realised she was holding her breath when the burning feeling in her rib cage grew almost unbearable.

"Brenda's back."

Sharon looked Rusty. "What?"

"Brenda. She's back in Los Angeles and..."

"How long have you known about this?" Sharon interrupted him. The undertone of hurt and anger in her voice was enough for Rusty to look up. The pain in her green eyes startled him.

"A couple of days," he admitted. "I saw her the other day and..."

"You saw her?" Sharon interrupted him and stood up. So this is what he had been hiding from her. "You spoke to Brenda?"

"I didn't think it was a big deal!" Rusty countered. "She texted me and asked if we could meet. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to..." He frowned when he saw the way Sharon looked at him. "Wait, you knew?"

"Provenza ran into her today."

The pieces fell into place. "So that's why she didn't mind me telling you. She guessed you knew." Rusty looked at her mother. "What's the big deal anyway? I thought she was your friend?"

Sharon turned her back on her son and sighed. "That's what I thought too." She closed her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair. Pain was a treacherous thing. Not because of Brenda but because of Rusty. He had chosen to hide this from her and it hurt. They had worked so hard at him feeling like he could trust her. Part of her understood why he hadn't told her but it didn't make it any easier to accept.

"You should've told me."

"I'm sorry," Rusty apologised. "Mom, I'm sorry."

She turned to look at him. The look in her eyes was severe. "Rusty, is there anything else I need to know?"

"Yes, there is."

Sharon braced herself. "What is it?"

"Brenda's coming for dinner tomorrow night."


	5. Chapter 5

Knowing that Ricky was going home today saddened her. She always felt like she hadn't spent enough time with him, and most times it was true, the guilt crept up on Sharon more and more as she looked at her son at the other end of the table. Ricky had made breakfast this morning and Sharon knew it was his way of making sure she was being looked after and had a proper meal before going out to work. It was also his way of reminding her that he could cook and wasn't going to let himself starve to death. She was enjoying the omelettes and orange juice but she'd rather see her son stay for another day or two.

They'd been talking about his job and the chance of a promotion but now the conversation had stalled. She'd seen sneak a peek at his phone and she phrased her question in the most casual way possible.

"What about this girl you were seeing a while ago, Lauren? Any chance of me getting to meet her soon?"

"Mom!" Ricky rolled his eyes but Sharon didn't miss how his cheeks flushed just a little pink anyway.

"Well?" She pressed.

"Maybe." He didn't make eye contact but smiled into his glass of orange juice.

Sharon leaned back in her chair, her eyes still fixed on her son. Some days it was hard to grasp that the little boy with the blonde hair - it was even harder to believe Ricky had once actually been blonde- had grown up into this good looking young man who was busy making a life for himself in a different city.

She decided to press on. "Did you meet any of her family?"

Ricky sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah."

"What are they like?" Sharon's eyes narrowed a little. She really ought not to be enjoying the way her son was squirming in his seat but the opportunity was too good to miss.

"Her dad is... Different." It didn't sound exactly heartfelt.

"What do you mean?"

"He's the kind of guy who'd spike the punch at an AA meeting. He thinks he's funny but really, he isn't. And no one ever told him differently."

Sharon considered those words for a moment. "Oh." She picked up her glass and took a sip. Perhaps it was time to change the subject.

"What's next on your plans?"

"Didn't I tell you? Emily and I are flying out to Indianapolis the day after tomorrow for grandma Anne's birthday." Ricky looked at his mother from over the rim of his glass.

Sharon remembered Emily telling her last week. In the madness of the last couple of days she'd completely forgotten that it was the kid's grandmother's birthday. Anne Raydor was Jack's mother. A formidable woman, she was one of the strongest yet kindest women Sharon had ever met.

"I remember," Sharon smiled. "It's her eighty-fifth birthday, isn't it?"

Ricky put down his fork and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, much to Sharon's irritation. There was a napkin right there next to his plate.

"It's a surprise. She doesn't know Emily and I are coming. You know, I'm sure she'd love to see you. Are you sure you can't make it?"

Sharon hadn't seen her ex mother-in-law for at least five or six years. The last time had been at a Christmas party. Sure, she spoke to her on the phone every few weeks or so, but she hadn't managed to fly out to Indiana to see her. Life had a way of catching up with her and finding the time was difficult.

Anne had been there during a time not many other people had. After Jack walked out on her and the children, Anne had been the helping hand Sharon needed. She was there to tuck Emily and Ricky into bed when Sharon worked late, she cooked and prepared the kids' lunches for school on the days Sharon was just too tired. But most of all she was there when Jack did show his face and she would try and explain to him that what he was doing to his family was not acceptable. Anne understood that Sharon had loved Jack once and that her son had not always been the gambling drunk he'd become. It wasn't just Sharon who sadly looked on as Jack went down a road that led him further away from his family. But unlike Sharon, Anne had never truly given up on her son. She just learned to live with the disappointment as best as she could and tried to provide her grandchildren and Sharon with the stability that Jack's leaving had taken from them.

Emily had been sixteen and Ricky fourteen when Anne and George moved to Indiana. The distance was difficult but it provided the children with a wonderful few weeks' vacation every year. Sharon would accompany them for a week or two and then return back to Los Angeles for two weeks of quietness while the children stayed with Anne and George.

Sharon knew she wouldn't have been able to balance her personal and professional life as well as she had without Anne and George's help. Her own parents lived in Chicago and had only been able to come down once or twice a year.

Sharon heaved a sigh. "I wish I could but I have this court case..." She didn't have to finish that sentence for Ricky to understand. He just nodded and finished off his orange juice. Sharon felt the pang of pain in her chest at the way her son just accepted what she'd said. She'd been saying those words, "I wish I could but..." for years and although her kids had learnt to accept it, the guilt she felt as a mother never quite went away.

"Will Rusty be back on time to drive me to the airport?"

Ricky's question snapped Sharon out of her thoughts.

Rusty had left early that morning, ruck sack over his shoulder, to go to class. He left earlier than normal and Sharon suspected it was due to what had happened last night. She wasn't angry at him, and he knew that, but she was disappointed. And he knew that too. She guessed he was trying to stay out of her way and although she'd rather he didn't, she understood.

"His classes finish at lunchtime. He knows he's dropping you off."

Ricky began gathering the now empty plates and carried them into the kitchen, placing them in the sink. He then looked over his shoulder at his mother. "He said something about dinner tonight?"

"Yeah. It's just a..." Sharon paused, unsure. "... An old friend."

Her phone rang before she could say anything else and she glanced at the caller ID. It was Provenza. She slid her finger across the answer button.

"Lieutenant?"

"Sorry to call you so early, Captain, but there is something you need to see."

"I'll be there in half an hour," she answered. When she hung up she looked at Ricky. He'd rinsed off the plates and was putting them in the dishwasher.

"I've got to go."

"I know," Ricky said and he smiled. Sharon knew he was only trying to mask his disappointment. "Go catch the bad guys, mom."

Sharon stood up from the table and walked up to Ricky. He stopped what he was doing to allow her to slip her arms around his neck and pull him into a hug. She tried to pour as much love and feeling and warmth into the embrace as she could, inhaling deeply in an attempt to soak up as much of her son's smell as she could. He was taller than she was now and he easily enveloped her in his own strong arms. When Sharon rested her head on Ricky's shoulder, she felt a sense of loss and sadness. Just like every other time, she didn't want him to leave.

After a little while Ricky whispered, "Go," and he slowly let go off her.

Sharon swallowed to try and shift the lump in the back of her throat and flashed a hesitant smile. "Have a safe flight," she said. "And get Emily to call me as soon as you two have landed in Indianapolis, ok?"

Ricky promised her he would and Sharon left the kitchen. She found her keys by the door, picked up her purse and blazer and stepped out of the condo. Hearing the door fall into its lock behind her somehow felt a little hollow and when she walked through the corridor toward the elevator, Sharon let out a sigh.

*

Sharon walked into the Murder Room and instantly became aware of the tense atmosphere. It was crackling in the air, like electricity, and when Provenza laid eyes on her, he rose from his chair.

"What's going on?" Sharon wanted to know.

"After yesterday's chat with our prime suspect Jason Scott Anderson, Tao decided to do a little digging." Provenza shot a glance at Tao and Sharon followed his gaze.

"Go on," she prompted.

"I ran Anderson's fingerprints through AFIS after Amy said that he had no record," Tao explained. He shrugged when Sharon arched a questioning eyebrow. "I found that a little hard to believe."

"I think we all did," Provenza commented. "Call it a gut feeling"

"The search turned up nothing."

Sharon frowned. "Nothing?"

"No matches anywhere in the state of California. So I ran a search nationwide. I didn't find anything connected to Jason Scott Anderson but..." Tao reached for some papers on his desk. "I found a record for a Scott Jason Anderson, a Thomas Anderson and Jason Scott Thomas in Nevada, Oklahoma and Arizona." He held the pages up for Sharon to see. "He used a different name every single time but his fingerprints are on file in all three states."

"How did he stay unnoticed?" Sharon asked. She circled around to Tao's desk and took the papers and her eyes widened in horror. "He's got arrests for possession of child pornography? How did this not follow him to Los Angeles?!"

"He gave the officers a different name and a different date of birth every time. They probably ran his prints but only state wide. And sometimes smaller police departments don't communicate well, especially in small towns," Andy explained. "And this asshole abused every single one of those loopholes."

Sharon looked around the Murder Room. "Where is he now?"

"We had to let him go yesterday. I already sent patrol out to bring him back in here," Provenza said. "Oh, and Oliver Grey's mother is on her way in this morning as well. You wanted to talk to her?"

"I do," Sharon replied. "There are just a few things I need to ask her." Her eyes sought out Amy. "Anything in her background?"

"Still looking, Captain," Amy answered. "So far, just one nasty divorce and a whole lot of debt. Nothing that stands out or looks suspicious."

Sharon nodded. "Ok. Bring Anderson back in. I want to talk to him. Today." She put emphasis on the last word. The thought of dinner with Brenda and Rusty flashed through her head. Just what she needed on top of all of this. "Amy, would you please bring Ms Grey to the conference room when she arrives? I want her to feel comfortable and I doubt an interview room is going to have that effect."

Amy stood up quietly and left the Murder Room. Sharon heaved a sigh and walked into her office, closing the door softly behind her. Before she had a chance to sit down however, there was a knock and she looked up. Andy appeared in the doorway.

"May I come in?"

Sharon nodded. Andy walked into her office and put a styrofoam cup with the logo from the vendor across the street in front of her on the desk. She saw the teabag dangling on the side. Herbal. Her favourite. Sharon then watched as Andy sat down in one of the arm chairs. She knew she should apologise for the way she snapped at him yesterday but the words just didn't come. When she met Andy's eyes, she guessed he was thinking the same thing.

"Is everything ok?" he asked. She detected the hint of concern in his voice.

"Fine."

She'd meant to say it differently, hadn't intended to sound so sharp. But it was done. She couldn't take it back now. Sharon closed her eyes and let her breath escape. "Andy, I'm sorry."

He just nodded. "It's a tough case."

Sharon decided to leave it at that. It was easier trying to explain to Andy that Rusty had been hiding things from her again, that it felt like she and Rusty had lost some of the trust they'd tried so hard to build.

"It never gets any easier. And the kids..." She couldn't finish the sentence. The words just got stuck.

"I know. They're the ones that get to us all." Andy chewed his lip for a moment and then continued, "About yesterday..."

Of course he had to bring it up, Sharon thought. Because that was the kind of man he was. Even though he'd said it was a tough case, was giving her the benefit of the doubt, he still asked. It was the caring side in him. So she sat up, lay her hands flat on her desk and looked him in the eye.

"I shouldn't have snapped at you."

Andy shifted in his seat and suddenly Sharon felt it. That uneasy feeling that told her there was something she didn't know, something she was missing. When he didn't look at her Sharon narrowed her eyes. She had been a cop too long to not be able to see it. "What is it?"

"I realise this may not be the best time to ask this but I've been meaning to for a while and..."

Sharon suddenly wondered if maybe this was perhaps not his caring side but the selfish one instead.

Andy studied his hands and fiddled with the gold ring he wore, the one that marked his ten years of sobriety. He still couldn't bring himself to look at Sharon. "I was thinking that maybe... Maybe it's time we think about the future."

She blinked, needing a moment for the words to truly sink in. "The future?"

"Us. This whole dating thing. I know you want to take it slow but..."

"Can we please not do this now?" Sharon cut him off. He looked up and for the first time since Andy sitting down did she meet his eyes. She could see the rejection but she had to ignore it for now. "Please."

He seemed taken aback by her plea but nodded anyway. "Ok." He held her gaze for a moment longer before standing up. He didn't appear to be offended that she'd just cut him off. He started for the door but then changed his mind, turned around before opening it. She wasn't sure if he really saw her when he looked at her.

"But we do need to talk."

"I know," Sharon nodded. It was as if something heavy just sank down into her stomach. "Just not today."

Sharon watched as Andy walked out of her office, leaving the door open in his wake, and then cradled her head in her hands. The headache that had been residing behind her eyes for the last two days had just become more intense and the pressure behind her eyes hinted at the onset off a migraine. She hadn't had one of those for years.

She knew Andy had always followed her lead in their relationship. It had been her suggestion to take things slow. After being married to Jack, the last thing she wanted was to rush into something and Andy had accepted that. Sharon had always known that this wasn't what Andy was used to, wasn't anything like relationships he'd had in the past. She was well aware that he was holding back and for the first time she wondered if maybe her decision to do things the old fashioned way wasn't what Andy wanted. Could it be that he was looking for something else? A commitment that went beyond Saturday night dinners and week nights at the movies? She knew he called her his 'girlfriend' to his kids but he was still 'Andy' to hers.

"Captain?"

"What?"

Sharon looked up to find a tentative looking Amy Sykes standing in her doorway. She instantly regretted the way she had responded and silently beckoned for the younger woman to come into her office. "Sorry, Amy. What can I do for you?"

"Ms Grey is here, Captain,"

"Thank you. Would you join me please?"

Sharon picked up the cup of tea that Andy had brought for her and took it with her as she left her office. The conference room was right next door and through the open blinds she saw Oliver Grey's mother sitting at the table. She looked so small against the backdrop of the conference room, her tiny frame almost getting lost in the chair. Sharon's heart ached at the sight of the woman's grief and she turned to look at Amy, a hint of a frown on her face.

"Are those…"

"The same clothes she wore on the day Oliver went missing? Yes. I'm not even sure she's showered since then."

"Oh God."

Sharon opened the door quietly and stepped into the room. Amy followed closely behind her. Julia Grey didn't look up when the two women entered and she didn't seem to acknowledge Sharon when the Captain slipped into the chair next to her. Her expression was vacant, her eyes hollow. Sharon realised that she was looking at the mask of devastating grief and she briefly glanced up at Amy. She wasn't sure they were going to get anywhere.

"Ms Grey?"

Empty brown eyes slowly looked up, focusing on Sharon. "Yes?"

"Thank you for coming. I know how hard this must be." Sharon extended her hand, left it hovering over Julia Grey's hand for a moment or two before gently touching it. The woman's hand was warm. "I'm so sorry to bring you back in here but there are a few things we need to ask you. Is that ok?"

Tears had welled up in the broken woman's eyes. "When can I see Oliver? When can I see my son?"

"Soon," Sharon promised and turned to Amy. "Could you contact Doctor Morales for me, please?" Amy pulled out her cell phone and began typing a text message. Sharon looked back at Julia Grey. "Ms Grey, are you familiar with a man called Jason Scott Anderson?"

The silence that followed that question lasted maybe half a minute but then Julia Grey shook her head. "No, I don't think so. Why? Do you think he did this? Did he… is he… did he kill my son?"

Amy answered before Sharon did. "We don't know." She took out her notebook and a pen and checked something she'd written down earlier. "We've been trying to track down your ex-husband, Oliver's father. The address you gave us belongs to a motel but they've not seen him for a while. Do you know where else he might be?"

Sharon and Amy left Julia Grey to her own thoughts after another fifteen minutes and quietly left the conference room. Sharon turned to the younger detective and said, "I want someone to look in on her every day. This woman's suffering and the last thing I want is for her to end up in hospital because she's hurt herself somehow. Make sure we get someone down here to look after her."

Amy nodded and walked away. Sharon walked into the Murder Room and approached Sanchez. "Amy said you haven't been able to locate Mr Grey yet, Oliver's father. Where are we on that?"

"He hasn't used his bank card for almost a month. No cell phone activity. In fact, no activity of anything whatsoever. It's like he just vanished," Sanchez answered.

"No one just vanishes, Julio. There's always a paper trail."

"Unless he doesn't want to be found," Provenza chimed in. "He did lose custody of his son after the divorce."

"Where are we on Jason Scott Anderson?"

"Asshole went off the grid as soon as he walked out of the building," Andy replied. "We've got a BOLO out on his car and we're tracking his cell phone. It's switched off so we can't use GPS but as soon as it's switched on, it'll ping. State troopers and FBI are aware. Everyone's looking for this guy. He won't get far."

Sharon crossed her arms in front of her chest and her green eyes focused on the Murder Board. A smiling picture of Oliver Grey sat in the middle, surrounded by crime scene pictures and all the information they'd gathered so far, neatly written out in Amy's handwriting. Something clicked and she turned towards Tao.

"Lieutenant, your search of Jason Scott Anderson," she said and he looked up. "When did he move to Los Angeles?"

"He first shows up… one month ago."

Across the room Provenza perked up. "Around the same time Mr Grey, Oliver's father, did his vanishing trick."

Sharon pursed her lips and nodded. "See if those two occurrences are somehow connected."

She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and pulled it out. The text message was from Ricky and she opened it. _Made it to the airport. Thanks for everything. Will let grandma know you said hello._

Just as she was about to text him back, another message popped up. This one was from Rusty and when she opened it, she instantly wished she hadn't. _Brenda said she'll be at ours at seven. What's for dinner?_

Instead of answering the messages Sharon slipped the phone back into her pocket, promising herself she would deal with it later.

Only later became not at all when that afternoon things suddenly started to move and the division rolled out and Sharon lost track of time.


	6. Chapter 6

Sharon wasn't one for swearing, but when she glanced up at the clock on the wall in her office, a quiet "shit" slipped over her lips. It was twenty-five past six and she had exactly thirty-five minutes before Brenda Leigh Johnson would arrive at her condo and she was still at work, swamped with paperwork, evidence and statements because the case had hit a major development late that afternoon and Sharon had lost track of time. She reached for her phone, which had been in her purse for most of the day, and discovered several text messages from Rusty. They became more frantic and worried as she read on. The last one just said, _"I'm ordering Chinese."_

Sharon ran her hand through her hair as she dialled her son's number. Rusty answered before the first ring had even finished.

"What happened?" He sounded out of sorts. Sharon has visions of him standing in her kitchen frantically trying to decide what to do.

"Work happened," she replied without going into further detail. She glanced back at the clock. At this rate she would be lucky to even be home on time, let alone have some kind of food ready. "Listen, somewhere with the menus there is one for this Indian place. Remember that one?" Rusty made an affirmative noise. "Text Brenda and ask if she's alright with that, then go ahead and order something."

"Me? I don't even know what most of that stuff is!"

"You'll figure it out." She shot a glance through the open blinds into the Murder Room. Everyone was still here. She suspected some of them would be till late into the night. She knew Tao would be at his desk for as long as it took, waiting for the results from the lab. Sharon tore her eyes away from her detectives and focused her attention back on Rusty. "I'm leaving soon. Could you… Could you please explain to Brenda what happened?" Sharon suspected Brenda understood perfectly fine what happened, having been in this situation plenty of times herself, but it felt like the polite thing to do.

"I will."

"Thank you."

Sharon hung up, let her phone slip back into her purse and stood, picked up her blazer from the back of her chair and put it on. This was one of those moments where she wished she kept a set of spare clothes in her office but there was nothing she could do about that now. She swung her purse over her shoulder, switched off the lights in the office and stepped out into the Murder Room. Provenza looked up and furrowed his brow.

"I thought you were meant to go home hours ago, Captain."

"I was," Sharon admitted, suddenly aware of Andy's eyes fixing on her from across the room. They hadn't really spoken since that morning but she'd felt him looking at her whenever she walked in. She subconsciously straightened her spine, pushed her hands into her pockets and forced herself to smile.

"Doing anything nice?" Amy inquired.

"Dinner. Or, it was supposed to be anyway."

Provenza studied his commanding officer from across the room. Ricky had gone home that morning. Andy was still here and Rusty was home every night. Sharon hadn't mentioned anyone in particular. "A friend?" he tried.

Sharon briefly met his eyes, the hint of a smile flashing across her face. "I don't know."

She left the Murder Room, rode the elevator down to the building's parking lot and got into her car. The radio kicked in as soon as she started the engine but she switched it off. It was then, in that moment, that Sharon allowed herself a moment to really think about what was about to happen. She was going home and she would be coming face to face with Brenda Leigh Johnson. It somehow felt like she'd been thrown into some kind of time warp and she was about to walk down that hospital corridor all over again, aware she would be facing someone who had quite the reputation. Coming face to face with Brenda for the first time seven years ago had been the start of a journey that had come to an abrupt and unexpected end.

Sharon parked her car in the allocated space just after seven o'clock. She was now officially late. She had a dislike for being late. Being punctual was something she prided herself on. Frustration bubbled up in the pit of her stomach as she fumbled with her keys during the short elevator ride. Her heart thundered in her chest for no other reason than that she was frustrated and, as she stuck the key in the door, she wished Rusty had picked a different night for this whole thing.

The first thing she heard was laughter and Sharon froze, keys still in hand.

Only one of the voices belonged to Rusty.

"So you can actually cook? You know, real food, not just clam linguini?"

"My cookin' is so awesome, even the smoke alarm cheers me on."

Sharon's eyes fluttered shut. That accent…it was unmistakeable. And annoying. Brenda.

She dropped her keys in the bowl by the door and the sound disrupted the voices coming from the kitchen. She heard footsteps pad into the living room and as she rounded the corner, she found Rusty standing by the couch. Sharon could tell in one glance that he was wearing his favourite jeans and a new t-shirt. His feet were bare.

"Hey, mom."

Brenda appeared behind him in a blaze of wild blonde curls and a pink floral dress finished off with white kitten heels.

"Brenda," Sharon said, her voice flat. She knew she had to sound more enthusiastic but she didn't have it in her. Her eyes remained fixed on the other woman and for a split second it felt like nothing had changed and then reality came crashing down because it had been almost five years and everything had changed. 

"Hi."

"Sharon." Brenda sounded insecure, uncertain.

Sharon swallowed. "I uhm… I'm just going to get changed." Her eyes darted from Brenda to Rusty. "Did you order food?"

"Brenda helped me choose."

"Oh."

It was all Sharon could manage and without looking back at her son or their dinner guest she turned around and disappeared down the hallway to her bedroom.

Closing the door behind her felt like a relief and Sharon heaved a sigh before shrugging herself out of her blazer and unbuttoning her shirt. She then unzipped her slacks, stepped out of them and dropped the items in the hamper in the bathroom. Just as she turned around Sharon caught sight of her reflection in the mirror. The dark rings around her eyes betrayed the long days and even longer nights she'd had, causing her to turn away from her own reflection. She was well aware that time was starting to leave its marks on her skin but it wasn't something she worried about often. It was only now, her skin pale and unable to hide the strain of tiredness, that she was reminded that she wasn't getting any younger.

Sharon padded back into her bedroom barefoot and chose a pair of dark blue jeans from the wardrobe, slipped them on and turned to find a shirt. She settled for a red button down and was forced to accept that although this was by no means what she would normally wear if she was hosting a dinner party, tonight it would just have to do. She slipped her feet into a pair of black ballet flats, then at the last minute, picked up a hairclip from her bedside table just before leaving the bedroom and pulled her hair back into a messy pile in the nape of her neck.

When she walked into the living room she found Brenda sitting in one of the armchairs and Rusty on the couch. Two glasses of soda and one filled with water, Sharon assumed that it was hers, stood neatly on the table. Rusty had even remembered the coasters. The TV was off but there was music coming from the speakers. She guessed it was something from Rusty's iPhone.

Sharon's chest tightened when she laid eyes on Brenda. "Sorry about dinner," she apologised but Brenda just shook her head.

"Don't worry 'bout it. I'm used to take out."

"So you do eat food that isn't solely made of sugar?" It slipped out before Sharon even had a chance to think.

She regretted it instantly. Brenda just smiled. That same damn smile that had helped her get her way in so many investigations, Sharon suspected.

"It's been known to happen," Brenda replied. Her hands twitched in her lap. The first real sign of nerves. "Occasionally."

Sharon circled around the couch and sat down next to Rusty. She chewed her lip as she tried to think of a way to get the conversation started somehow. Beside her, Rusty sat up and turned to look at her. "Brenda was just telling me about Washington."

Sharon's eyes snapped up and for the first time since coming home did she meet Brenda's eyes. "Well, at least someone is hearing all about it."

This time she didn't feel bad about snapping. Brenda deserved it, Sharon thought, and judging from the way Brenda flinched, she could tell she'd hit a nerve.

The knock on the door startled the three of them and Rusty leapt to his feet, keen to escape the ever growing tension.

"There's cash in my purse," Sharon called after him and he waved to indicate he'd heard her.

They were alone now and Brenda shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Sharon, I'm sorry I didn't…"

"What? Didn't answer my calls? Didn't bother to let me know you were back? Didn't tell me you were meeting up with my son?" Sharon interjected. "Don't worry about it, Brenda." Her eyes narrowed a little as she was catapulted back into a memory from years earlier when it had been Brenda who had been angry at her. "What was it you said again? 'So much for us being friends', right?"

Sharon had tried calling Brenda a few times after she retired from the LAPD. The first time she'd got Brenda's voicemail and left a message. The second and the third time were the same. When a fourth call also went to voicemail, Sharon hung up without saying anything. Then, as Fritz told her about Brenda's new job in DC, she'd tried one last time. Still Brenda didn't answer and Sharon had assumed that the tentative friendship they had started to build in the last few months of Brenda leading the Major Crimes Division clearly hadn't meant as much to Brenda as it had to Sharon.

Brenda opened her mouth to answer Sharon's comment but Rusty walked back into the living room carrying a plastic bag. He looked from his mother to Brenda and back, noticing the way Sharon was now holding herself. Having lived with her long enough he picked up the change in her posture in a way Brenda didn't.

"What happened?" he wanted to know. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Brenda and Sharon answered simultaneously. They then looked at each other before Sharon stood up and went into the kitchen to get plates.

Rusty watched his mother walk away. Suddenly it seemed that inviting Brenda over wasn't such a good idea after all. Sharon and Brenda appeared uncomfortable in each other's company. Did this have anything to do with Brenda asking him not to tell Sharon? He wasn't sure. Sharon hadn't been happy about him withholding the information from her but he also knew that she would only react like this if there was something else. Something she hadn't shared with him.

Brenda took a deep breath and sunk back deeper into the chair. She ached inside. Ever since walking into the condo an hour ago she'd been on edge. As the minutes ticked by she'd become more and more nervous and even suggested to Rusty that they'd just reschedule because clearly Sharon wasn't coming home. He'd insisted that she was just working late and would be home soon. Logically Brenda had known that but emotionally it had felt like Sharon was somehow avoiding her.

Seeing Sharon was like a slap to the face. It all came back now. All the feelings, the hurt, the pain and even the lust. The incredible frustration about wanting something she knew she would never be able to have. It didn't matter that it had been almost five years since she saw or spoke to Sharon last. It might as well have been yesterday and the small flame that flickered within her heart had once again begun to grow.

Sharon hadn't changed much. There were perhaps a few extra lines on her face but she still looked like the same woman Brenda had left behind years ago. She was still as gracious and held herself with a certain composure Brenda herself could only dream of. But Sharon had also become warmer somehow. There was something that radiated from her eyes, her skin. Something Brenda couldn't put into words but she was drawn to it like a moth drawn to a flame. She would undoubtedly get burnt.

In the kitchen Sharon reached for the shelf where she kept her plates and Rusty began organising the various boxes of food neatly on the counter. He took spoons, knives and forks out of the drawer and peered curiously inside one of the boxes once Sharon had removed the lid. He pulled a face. "I'm not eating that. It smells awful!"

"It tastes better than it smells," Sharon said but smiled anyway. "Just try some of the other things too."

Rusty walked over to the table and lay the forks and knives out. He seemed to hesitate before deciding to place Brenda's across from his own and next to Sharon's, who usually sat at the head of the table.

Brenda appeared in the kitchen, empty soda glass in hand. "Is there anythin' I can do to help?"

Her Mama had raised her right, had drilled those Southern manners into her. It wasn't often that she remembered but right now, Brenda could hear her mother's voice in the back of her mind, reminding her to be polite.

"I think it's all under control," Rusty replied. He looked over his shoulder at Sharon. She'd put spoons in the boxes of food. "Just help yourself, I guess."

Brenda put down the empty glass before walking over to Sharon. They now stood side by side, just a few inches apart, and Brenda looked at the older woman from the corner of her eye. She was well aware that Sharon didn't seem comfortable with her being here and Brenda couldn't really blame her.

"I should have called," she said whilst reaching for one of the spoons. She scooped a little bit of rice on her plate.

Sharon didn't look up. "You should have." She bit down on her lip and forced herself to look up. "So, what brought you back to Los Angeles?"

"Unfinished business. Plus, the weather in DC's a bitch." Brenda shot a glance at Sharon, slightly horrified she'd sworn in front of the older woman. Her cheeks coloured pink. "Sorry."

Rusty threw some of the pakoras on his plate and shrugged. "Don't be. I've heard it all before. And worse."

Sharon felt she needed to keep the conversation going, no matter how painful it was so she asked, "Are you working?"

"I am not exactly popular with the local law enforcement, now am I?" Brenda replied and tucked a stray curl behind her ear when she looked up. She was surprised to find Sharon looking back at her. Catching those disarming green eyes caught her off guard.

"But I'm lookin'."

It wasn't exactly the truth. She hadn't bothered trying to find a job yet. Mainly because she didn't know where to start. The LAPD was out of the question. They were never going to let her back in. So was the FBI. Too many familiar faces, and most of them were linked to Fritz. The same went for the DA's office. There was no way in hell she'd ever go back to the CIA. Those days were well and truly behind her. She wondered if she'd last in some dull, meaningless nine-to-five job in an office where she blended in against the boring backdrop.

She'd probably go mad within a week.

Sharon was about to say something when the buzzing of her cell phone announced an incoming text message. It lay on the counter and the screen had lit up. The little green icon and Andy Flynn's name had popped up. She grabbed the device off the side and slid her index finger across the screen to unlock it. She was immediately taken to her text messages. Andy's one sat at the top.

_I hope you don't mind but I've made reservations for lunch tomorrow. We need to talk._

"Damnit," Sharon swore under her breath. Anger bubbled up inside her. How dare Andy go ahead and decide when the right time was to talk? In the middle of an investigation that was about to reach its peak?! She ran her hands along her jeans and did her best not to let Rusty and Brenda see her agitated expression.

Brenda's eyes narrowed at Sharon's sudden display of irritation. "Everythin' ok?" She couldn't help it. She was just naturally curious.

"Fine." Sharon sounded harsher than she had intended. She slipped the phone into her pocket. There was no point in sending a message back. "It's just this case."

"Tough one?" Brenda guessed and across the kitchen Rusty nodded.

"Dead kid." Rusty sounded flat.

Brenda's face fell. She knew that feeling. She understood what it meant to investigate a case where the victim was a child. The emotions were enhanced tenfold, for everyone involved. She put down the fork she'd just picked up and apologetically looked at the older woman. "Oh Sharon, I'm sorry. Why didn't you say so? We could have done this another night."

Or not at all, Sharon thoughtm but she shook her head.

"It's fine. Don't worry about it." She picked up her plate and walked to the table. She was aware of the two sets of eyes burning into her back. "Let's just eat, OK?" As she sat down, she vowed to herself to try and keep things pleasant from here on out.

Rusty and Brenda joined her at the table and for a few moments, everything was quiet. From the corner of her eye Sharon watched her son try the food and smiled when after a couple of tentative bates, he attacked the remainder of his food with vigour. Rusty wasn't exactly a fussy eater but she also knew that if she'd let him, he'd eat hamburgers every day of the week.

The food was nice, Brenda had to admit that. Indian food wasn't high on her list of take-out options but she'd tried it in the past and the selection she and Rusty had made had turned out quite well. She glanced at Sharon from the corner of her eye. It was strangely intimate, the two of them and Rusty sitting at Sharon's dining table, probably more intimate than either of them had anticipated. When she looked at Rusty, Brenda saw that he nervously looked from his mom to her and back again.

Brenda knew she should have called. It would have been the right thing to do. It didn't have to be Sharon, it could've been anyone from her old division. Word would have gotten to Sharon soon enough. At any time she could have picked up a phone. But she didn't. At first because she was angry, then because she was disappointed and eventually because she just wanted to leave it all behind her.

"Did you do your homework?"

Sharon's voice pulled Brenda back into the present moment and she blinked a couple of times, aware that she had somehow fallen into a domestic scene between Sharon and Rusty and that Sharon was ignoring Brenda's presence, at least for this moment.

Rusty scooped the last bit of rice onto his fork. "I did it after dropping Ricky off."

Sharon just nodded and when she turned to look at Brenda, she found the blonde woman looking back at her.

Brenda had changed very little in five years. The last time Sharon had seen she'd sat at the table in the kitchen of her duplex less than an hour after shooting Philip Stroh. Brenda's clothes had been covered in blood and she'd handed her weapon over to Sharon with trembling hands. Sharon had never seen Brenda look more haunted than she did that night.

They had spoken a few times over the phone to try and make arrangements for Rusty, eventually finding what they'd believed to be a suitable foster home. After that, Brenda had resigned and said goodbye to her division. The only goodbye Sharon got was Brenda's letter that she read in Pope's office. After that day, there was only silence.

"Are you in class tomorrow?" Brenda asked in an attempt to get the conversation going.

"All day," Rusty answered casually. "Oh, and I'm going out with Gus tomorrow night." He looked at Sharon, clearly seeking her approval.

The conversation was mainly around Rusty's schoolwork from there on out. Brenda asked him questions, even if they were the same as the ones she'd asked in the coffee shop, and Rusty answered. Occasionally Sharon would comment too, but her voice sounded tired and when Rusty stood up to collect the empty plates, Sharon sighed. Her head was pounding. The migraine that had been building up all day was reaching its peak.

Brenda felt torn between getting up and helping Rusty or getting up to leave. She was about to stand up when Rusty turned around and said, "I got it."

"I should go," Brenda said. Sharon looked up.

"Really?" Rusty questioned.

Brenda relied on her Southern manners and said, "Your Mama has had a long day and I have taken up too much of your time already."

Sharon knew Brenda was just trying to leave because it had been awkward but she didn't have the energy to try and persuade the younger woman to stay. She didn't even want her to stay. So instead she stood up and walked her to the door. Brenda picked up the jacket she'd been wearing when she arrived at the condo, put it on and swung her purse over her shoulder. Sharon wasn't surprised to see it was the same ugly black one; some things never changed.

They stood in the open doorway for a few moments without speaking and then Brenda stepped out into the hallway. "Thank you," she said, smile still in place. "Thank you, Sharon."

Sharon swallowed. The pain in her head was blinding. "Goodnight, Brenda."

Brenda started walking down the corridor and Sharon waited until she saw the blonde reach the elevator. Brenda looked back over her shoulder at Sharon just before stepping inside. The elevator doors slid shut and now that Brenda was gone from sight, Sharon closed the door and rested against it with her back. Lights flashed behind her eyes and she took off her glasses, pressing her hands against her eyes. The pain became too intense and her head felt like it was going to split open.

Rusty came walking into the hallway and found her leaning against the door. "What the hell was that, Sharon?" Sharon's eyes flew open at the use of her name and she winced, the pain now bordering on unbearable. Rusty was staring at her, eyes wide, shock etched across his face. "Did you really have to be so rude?! Brenda couldn't wait to get out of here!"

"Did it ever cross your mind to maybe give me the opportunity to have a say in all this?" Sharon's voice was soft. She had meant to sound scolding but she just sounded defeated. "Rusty, I…"

"Oh my God." The penny dropped as Rusty saw the pain in his mother's eyes for the first time that night. "Mom, I am so sorry."

Sharon blinked. "What?"

"You didn't want Brenda to come here tonight, did you?"

"No."

"Why didn't you…" Rusty fell silent when Sharon looked at him. "Never mind." He searched her face and saw the way her eyes were dull, the deep frown on her forehead. "Go to bed. I'll clean up out here and then bring you some Panadol."

Sharon didn't object, but instead turned and made her way down the hall as Rusty headed back into the kitchen. She stripped off, leaving her clothes on the floor because she just couldn't bring herself to put them away, and put on a clean pair of pyjamas. Her entire body relaxed when she crawled under the sheets and lay down.

Rusty knocked tentatively on the door before entering his mother's bedroom, a box of pills and a glass of water in his hand. She took them from him and smiled in thanks. Rusty then leaned in and kissed his mother on her forehead.

"Goodnight, mom," he whispered. He then turned to leave the room, picking up Sharon's clothes off the floor with the intention of placing them in the laundry hamper for her. He then flicked off the overhead light and closed the door gently behind him. His mother was asleep before he had even left the room.


	7. Chapter 7

The soft knock on her door made Sharon look up from the paperwork in front of her. She found Amy standing in the doorway.

"I just spoke to Morales," the young detective said. Her eyes reflected sadness. "He said that Oliver Grey's body is ready to be brought to the funeral home."

Sharon smiled. "Thank you, Amy." She swallowed, the knot in her stomach tightening. "I know that Mrs Grey wants to see her son before he is moved so the transfer will have to wait until she has seen him."

Amy moved her weight from one foot to the other. "Do you…. Do you want me to take her down, Captain?" There was a confidence in her voice that Sharon appreciated.

"No. I'll take her myself. I feel it should be me." Sharon readjusted her glasses and then looked back up at Amy. "Could you call Morales and make arrangements for this afternoon? And then let Mrs Grey know, please?"

Amy nodded and closed the door behind her. Sharon watched her walk through the Murder Room back to her desk. Her eyes then drifted to Andy's desk. He was out with Tao and Julio but she expected him back any time now.

Sharon sighed. Andy's request to meet for lunch because he wanted to talk had been hanging over her all morning. He had barely looked at her when she first came in. She didn't know if it was because of what was about to come or because of what had already happened or simply because he was nervous. She hadn't asked him about it, still feeling somewhat irritated that Andy had arranged for this set up without discussing it with her first, but the more Sharon thought about it, the more she knew he was right. They did need to talk.

She was roused from her thoughts by the arrival of Julio, Mike and Andy back into the Murder Room. Andy's eyes met hers and for a moment she held his gaze. He was the first to look away and Sharon sighed before looking back down at the paperwork on her desk. It was 11.40 and she and Andy had reservations at a small restaurant a block away at twelve. She began gathering the papers and collected them into a neat little stack before slipping them into a folder. She had just dropped it into her top drawer when the door opened and Andy poked his head around.

"Are you ready?" he asked. He was smiling. She knew it was meant to make her feel at ease.

Sharon stood up, buttoned up her blazer and picked up her purse. "Ready," she said, feigning confidence. She filed past him out of the door and he closed it behind her.

"Lieutenant, can you hold the fort until I get back?" Sharon asked Provenza as she walked through the Murder Room.

"Going somewhere?" he inquired.

"Just some personal stuff," Sharon replied, aware that Andy was standing closely behind her. She wasn't going to go into more detail. She and Provenza had a good enough relationship for him not to ask her any more. She simply looked at him. "Say, maybe for a couple of hours?"

"Of course, Captain."

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

Sharon and Andy left the Murder Room together and Andy pressed the button for the elevator. His hand briefly touched her arm when the doors slid open and he motioned for her to step inside first. Sharon flashed him a smile and stepped into the elevator. It was only when Andy joined her and the doors slid shut, hiding them away from the rest of the world that Sharon became completely aware of the tension that was hanging between them.

"I know this was probably not the right thing to do," Andy began. "And you look tired."

"It's ok," Sharon interrupted him. She turned so she could look at him. "I've just had…" She sighed. She felt like she owed him an explanation of some sort, even if she wasn't entirely sure she had one. "Rusty invited Brenda over to the condo last night. It didn't go well."

Andy started at her, his face blank. "Oh."

"Between that and this case…"

The elevator doors slid open to reveal the lobby. Sharon stepped out first and waited for Andy to follow. He fell into step beside her and held the main doors for her as they stepped outside. The afternoon sun felt warm on her skin and Sharon allowed herself a moment to enjoy the fact she was outside. Out of her entire division she spent the most time inside. Feeling the wind in her hair and breathing in the outside air, even the polluted kind, felt nice.

The walk to the restaurant was maybe ten minutes and they walked in silence. Andy had his hands in his pockets but Sharon caught him looking at her occasionally. When they arrived, Andy held the door for her once again. A young waiter escorted them to a table in the back of the restaurant and Sharon wondered for a moment if Andy had deliberately requested to be seated away from the other diners. The place was filling up quickly now that lunchtime was approaching but there were a few empty tables.

The waiter showed them the wine card but Andy requested water instead. Sharon did the same and the waiter then handed them the menus. They sat in silence for a few moments as they both made their choices and Andy signalled for the waiter to come back over. He took their orders, promised it would only be a little while and disappeared.

Sharon took a sip from her water and looked at Andy from over the rim of the glass. "About what happened the other day…"

He looked up, confused. "The other day?"

"When I snapped at you when you offered to take me home," Sharon clarified.

"Oh, that. Don't worry about it."

Sharon narrowed her eyes, mentally eliminating different reasons for why Andy wanted to talk to her. "So that is not what you want to talk about. Is this about what you said in my office yesterday?" When he didn't look at her straight away she knew.

"We've been seeing each other for some time now, Sharon," Andy answered. "And I enjoy spending time with you and you were there for me after my accident and surgery, you did more for me than I ever could have asked for. I want you to know that I really, really appreciate what you and Rusty have done for me."

She had been a cop for too long not to sense there was something else. Something he wasn't directly telling her. Sharon folded her hands in her lap under the table and fixed her eyes on Andy. "But…?"

"The future," Andy said. "It's been a while now and I thought now might be a good time to start thinking about where we see things going..."

Sharon shifted uncomfortably in her chair. Suddenly she felt out of her comfort zone. Her eyes nervously darted around the restaurant to make sure nobody was listening. The other patrons didn't seem at all interested in their table but it didn't change the way she felt. When she looked back at Andy she struggled to get the words out without sounding too horrified. Green eyes widened behind her glasses.

"Andy, is this going where I think it's going?"

He looked at her, held her gaze. His eyes answered the question before his mouth did. She could see it written across his face. He had been working up to this, had perhaps been thinking about this for days, maybe even weeks. And now he had dropped it on her. Without warning.

"Well, yes." He didn't look away. "I think that we need to…"

"As much as I appreciate that we need to have this discussion, perhaps a restaurant isn't the right place?" Sharon interjected. She felt her cheeks grow warm. It wasn't just embarrassment but also a flush of anger. She took her hands from her lap and placed them on the table. Open and honest.

"I've explained before that I want to take things slow. I've got to think about Rusty and my divorce was finalised only a year ago. I have to think about how all of this affects Rusty." Sharon paused for a moment, partially still reeling over the fact that they were actually having this discussion. She had felt that she and Andy were on the same page about the direction of their relationship but to see that he had a different vision than she did was unsettling. Her voice dropped a little and she tried to smile, even it pained her. Was he really not happy with how things were?

She had to say it. She had to know if she had really been wrong about how he felt. "I thought you liked the way things were going."

"I thought by now there might be more than just holding your hand." Andy looked somewhat crestfallen, as if someone had told him he couldn't have a puppy for Christmas. "Not that I don't love to hold your hand, Sharon but maybe there can be…."

"Andy…" She tried to interrupt him but he didn't hear her. Or he chose not to hear her.

"I'm just saying, maybe a little more intimacy, you know, beyond a kiss…."

"I'm not ready."

Andy fell silent at her words. For the longest moment he held her gaze, almost as if he was trying to see through her, but then he averted his eyes, stared at a spot on the tablecloth instead. He didn't speak.

"Maybe it's best if we don't discuss this until we are somewhere more private," Sharon said quietly and Andy just nodded.

They ate in silence when their food was brought to their table. Sharon had ordered the salmon salad and Andy had opted for the vegetarian pasta. The only sound came from their cutlery against their plates. They didn't speak. Sharon noticed Andy couldn't bring himself to look at her.

Sharon didn't know how she felt. Confused came closest. It was as if something had broken in front of her. Like a piece of glass that had cracked. She could see the damage but couldn't do anything to fix it. She had believed that things between her and Andy were good, that the relationship they had was what they both wanted. Hearing he wanted something else, something more, left her feeling both scared and angry. He was entitled to his feelings as much as she was entitled to her own but she didn't agree with the way he had sprung this on her. And she wondered if he was happy.

Did this mean she could lose him? Would this become something between them they couldn't fix? She wasn't ready to give him what he wanted. She couldn't change that.

Sharon's cell phone rang just as she finished off her salad. When she noticed Provenza's name on the caller ID she knew something had happened. "Lieutenant?"

"Jason Scott Anderson is sitting in an interview room."

Sharon sat up with a jolt, tightening her grip on her phone. Across the table Andy looked up.

"Where did you find him?"

"Patrol pulled him over for ignoring a stop sign."

It seemed almost laughable; their main suspect had been arrested for failing to stop at a stop sign. No big dramatic showdown but an ordinary traffic violation. Sharon shook her head.

"We'll be there as soon as possible."

She hung up and went to reach for her purse but Andy interrupted her. "I got this," he said as he pulled out his wallet.

Sharon smiled weakly. "Thank you."

She waited for Andy at the door and they walked back to Parker Centre together. Andy still held the door for her when they entered the lobby and he still waited for Sharon to step into the elevator first. And she wanted to say something to him but she couldn't find the words.

When they walked into the Murder Room, any lingering tension vanished. Sharon effortlessly slipped back into her professional role and turned to look at Provenza.

"Did he say anything?" she wanted to know.

Provenza shook his head. "Not a word. Amy and Julio are trying to get him to talk."

"I'd like to talk to him myself," Sharon said. She set her jaw, anger flickering behind her eyes. "I want to hear what he has to say."

Provenza made a theatrical gesture in the direction of the media room before standing up and following her. Andy was closely behind her and when they entered the room Sharon found Mike and Buzz sitting at the screens. Buzz leaned in to the microphone and said, "Amy, the Captain is here."

Amy looked up but didn't directly look at the camera.

Sharon watched the screen intently. There was only silence. No one spoke. No one in the media room and no one in the interview room. It was rare for there to be only silence but today, it had happened. She felt the electricity, the tension, in the air, could feel the anger radiating from everyone. She could see it on Julio's face, even from where she was standing Sharon tore her eyes away from the screen, from Amy and Julio sitting across the table from Jason Scott Anderson.

"Let Amy know that I'm coming in," Sharon said to Buzz as she headed for the door. By the time the door to the media room closed behind her, Amy had glanced up to the camera to acknowledge that she had heard Buzz in her ear.

Sharon knocked on the door to the interview room and stepped inside. Amy quietly stood up and left the room. They shared a brief look as they filed past each other. Sharon couldn't read Amy's expression.

She took the seat next to Julio, straightened her spine and laid eyes on the man in front of her. Jason Scott Anderson stared at the wall behind Sharon, his eyes cold and distant and his face void of any emotion. His body appeared relaxed, his shoulders straight and his arms down by his side. She knew she was looking at a monster, at someone responsible for the death of a six year old boy.

"Mr Anderson, do you know why you're here?" she asked. She kept her voice even, making sure she did nothing to provoke him. "And I mean beyond the fact you ignored a stop sign."

Julio leaned in to her and whispered, "He hasn't said a word since he came in, ma'am."

Sharon gave a quick nod and fixed her eyes back on the man in front of her. "We would like to talk to you again about the kidnap and murder of Oliver Grey."

Julio pushed the blue folder in front of him towards Sharon and she opened it. Once again she confronted him with the pictures of his car near where Oliver Grey was last seen. "We have traced some of the dirt in your car tyres to dirt found near Oliver Grey's home. This proves that you were there around the time he disappeared. Our forensic team is turning your car inside out and we will find evidence that proves Oliver was in your car."

Sharon's heart pounded in her chest. There were few things that angered her more than those who hurt children on purpose, for their own gratification. Jason Scott Anderson was a monster. They had discovered what he was, what he had done, and she wasn't about to let him walk out of the door a second time. She was going to make sure he would be locked up for the rest of his life and she would personally throw away the key.

Sharon took the next few pages from the file and laid them out in front of Anderson. They were images of Oliver Grey's body being pulled from the water, of his tiny body in the morgue. She was confronting Anderson with the horror of his act and yet he did not flinch. He continued to stare at the wall with dead, hollow eyes. It was as if he didn't even know she was there.

Before Sharon could speak, Julio spat, "Do you like little boys, Jason? Is that why you did this? What did Oliver say when you were hurting him? Did he ask you to stop? Did he cry for his mommy?"

It happened so quickly. Too quickly.

Anderson jumped to his feet. The table was lifted from the ground and for a split second it seemed to just hang in the air. But then it fell and it crashed into her legs. Sharon's chair swayed and the force of the impact knocked her backwards. She reached for something, anything, to hold onto but found only air. The pain was dull as her head bounced off the floor. Something sharp hit her face and her vision changed at the same time as the pain spreading through her cheek and her eye. Her glasses had been knocked off her face and she saw a shadow move in front of her, heard raised voices and then there were two hands on her shoulders, touching her gently.

The next thing Sharon knew she was looking up into Andy's eyes. He was leaning over her, concern etched across his face. He looked different somehow. She couldn't see him as clearly without her glasses. She tried looking around. Where were her glasses?

"Sharon? Sharon, are you ok?"

Sharon heard the commotion behind her. Tables and chairs being pushed around and people were shouting. Julio's voice rose out above all the others and was followed by the loud bang of a body being slammed into a wall.

"You're under arrest, asshole!" Julio shouted.

"Sharon?"

Andy's voice brought her back to the moment and she blinked. There was something warm on her cheek and she reached to touch it. Sticky blood coated her fingers. She didn't understand how it had gotten there.

"Sharon, are you ok?" Andy's voice was soft but insisting.

"I'm fine," Sharon muttered. "Fine."

"Someone call an ambulance!" Andy shouted over his shoulder but Sharon shook her head.

"Don't," she pleaded as she slowly pushed herself up. Her elbow ached and her back was sore. A sharp pain jolted through the lower half of her spine but she bit back the whimper of hurt. She accepted Andy's hand when he reached to help her up. Her legs didn't feel as steady as she wanted and she clung on to him a little tighter than she wished she needed to.

"I'm fine."

"If you could see yourself right now, you wouldn't be saying that," Andy objected. He carefully reached out to touch her face but Sharon jerked away from his touch. "You might need some stitches."

"It's fine," Sharon insisted. She took a ragged breath, suddenly feeling the need to get away. ""I'll just go…" She looked around. She still didn't have her glasses and she felt disorientated. "I'll just go clean up."

She left the interview room and made her way down the corridor to the ladies room. She could have found her way here with her eyes closed and when she closed the door behind her she was relieved to find herself alone. She turned to the mirror and when she saw her own reflection, a gasp escaped her. Blood trickled down her cheek from a cut just above her eye and it had begun to bruise and swell already. The cut was about two inches long and Sharon carefully touched it before taking a couple of paper towels and beginning to wipe the blood away.

Sharon studied the streak of blood on the white paper, the realisation of what had happened hit her. Anger bubbled up inside of her. How had she not seen this coming? Had she dropped her guard enough for Anderson to feel he had a good chance at hurting her?

The door opened and Amy walked in, first aid box in hand. "Captain, are you alright?"

When Sharon turned to look at the younger woman she noticed Amy held her glasses in her hand. The glass was broken.

"I'm fine. Thank you, Amy," Sharon answered but her voice trembled a little. She extended her hand to take the glasses back. Amy handed them over. The glass was broken. They were useless.

Amy's eyes dropped to Sharon's hands. Sharon followed Amy's eyes and they both saw that Sharon's hands were shaking. Sharon tried to force herself to stop but couldn't.

"Maybe you should let me have a look at that," Amy carefully suggested before taking a hesitant step closer and entering Sharon's personal space. She took the bloodied paper towel from the Captain's hands. "And you probably shouldn't be using that."

Amy opened the first aid box, tore open a clean bandage and carefully instructed Sharon to tilt her head to the side before softly wiping along the cut. "I have three nephews. They all play ice hockey. I've been going to their games whenever I can and have seen plenty of cuts and bruises," she explained as she picked up another package and ripped it open. "I really think this is going to need some stiches, Captain."

Amy stepped back after having wiped the blood from Sharon's face and Sharon turned to the mirror to see her own reflection. Blood continued to trickle from the cut.

"OK," she relented and turned away from the mirror clutching her glasses to her chest. Her hands had finally stopped shaking. "Thank you, Amy. Could you please ask Lieutenant Flynn to drive me to Cedars?"

*

Sharon found herself sitting on a bed in Cedars emergency room an hour later, hands folded in her lap, her face sore and her head throbbing. Her blazer lay discarded on the arm chair in the corner of the room and there were some small blood stains on her shirt. The cut above her eye had required no stitches, just some glue but her eye was swollen and bruised. The nurse had given her a small hand mirror to check what it looked like once she had finished applying the glue and Sharon had been shocked at her own reflection.

She leaned back against the pillows and closed her eyes. She needed her glasses and the longer she went without them, the worse the eyestrain became. Just as she welcomed the darkness, the thin curtain that separated her from the rest of the ER opened and someone called her name.

"Sharon?"

Andy came in, pulling the curtain closed again behind him, and handed her a plastic cup of water and two pills. Sharon studied them closely, bringing her hand up to her face to inspect what Andy had given her, and then looked up at him.

"What are they?"

"Painkillers. The nurse told me to give them to you."

Sharon swallowed the pills and washed them down with the water.

"The doctor said that you're free to go once they've checked the X-Rays," Andy said. "Shouldn't be long."

"I already told you, it's not broken," Sharon argued. "I don't know why you insisted on them taking X-rays of my face." She touched her cheek and the side of her eye.

"You were knocked over by a suspect and you got hurt. They're going to make damn sure they're not sending an LAPD Captain home without having checked her as best they can," Andy countered. What he really meant was that he wasn't going to let her go home without making sure Sharon was alright.

Sharon sighed in frustration and was about to speak to object when she heard another familiar voice from outside the curtain.

"Mom?"

"Rusty!" Sharon exclaimed and sighed in relief when the curtain was pulled aside to reveal her son.

Rusty looked scared and when he laid eyes on his mother, he froze in his track. "What happened?"

"Asshole suspect tried taking a swing at her," Andy answered.

"I'd hate to see the other guy."

Sharon looked up. The third voice didn't belong to either Andy or Rusty. She furrowed her brow as she saw the person standing next to her son. "Brenda?"

Rusty crossed the room and reached into the pocket of his sweatshirt. He took out his mother's spare glasses and Sharon gratefully accepted them. As soon as she put them on the world became a brighter place and she looked around the room. Andy stood next to her, as did Rusty. She could see the anguish on his face. He was scared, she knew he was.

"I'm fine," she reassured him and took his hand into her own, squeezed it. "It's just a cut. It didn't even need stitches. The bruising makes it look worse than it is." He nodded at that and she glanced past him. Brenda was standing by the curtain, hands clumsily fumbling with the sleeves of her cardigan.

"What are you doing here, Chief?" Andy asked.

Brenda didn't even try to correct him about the use of the title. Some habits were hard to break. She smiled as she looked at Sharon, tried to come across non—threatening when she said, "Rusty and I were just…"

"I called Brenda to apologise about last night," Rusty blurted, cutting Brenda off. He looked almost embarrassed and he nervously looked up at Sharon. "She was with me when Lieutenant Provenza called and insisted she drive me here."

Andy's cell phone rang, interrupting the conversation, and Sharon watched as he answered. She saw the way his features darkened and instantly knew the call was connected to the case. Andy nodded a couple of times before confirming that Sharon was ok and that the cut had been glued and then he hung up. He turned to look at her and she knew what he was going to say.

"They've found blood in Anderson's car."

"Go," Sharon insisted.

Andy hesitated. "Are you sure? I mean, I could wait and drop you home first and then..."

"I'll take her home, Lieutenant," Brenda piped up, causing Andy to look at her in surprise. She had that knowing look in her eyes. "Sharon told me about the case you're workin.'" Something dark flashed across her face. It was a look Andy had seen many times before. Brenda understood. "Go nail that son of a bitch."

Andy leaned in and kissed Sharon tentatively on her cheek. They both sensed his hesitation and they both knew it wasn't because she was hurt. Sharon promised she'd call him as soon as she got home and watched him leave the room, pulling the curtain behind him. She listened as his footsteps faded out into the general noise of the ER.

"I'll wait outside until you've signed your discharge papers," Brenda said and reached for the curtain.

"Wait," Sharon called and the blonde turned around. Their gazes locked and Brenda appeared uncertain. "Thank you, Brenda, for bringing Rusty here."

Brenda flashed a smile and left the room. Now that they were alone, Rusty pulled up the arm chair and sat down. Sharon looked at her son and was struck by how young he suddenly looked. She imagined he'd been afraid when Provenza called and she felt guilty.

"Are you okay?" Rusty quietly asked. "Because that looks really bad."

"It's just a cut," Sharon answered. "My glasses broke in the fall and a piece of glass cut me. The rest is just..." She made a casual hand gesture. Rusty didn't have to know that her body ached all over and she would have bruises across her skin for probably the next two weeks. "It's nothing."

Rusty watched her intently, looking for any signs his mother was lying. "What happened?"

Sharon shrugged. "A suspect threw over the table. It knocked over my chair and I fell."

"You look like you've done ten rounds with Mike Tyson," Rusty grinned but then his face became serious. "I'm sorry about Brenda."

"What do you mean?"

"I... I felt bad about last night. I didn't want her to think that we...that you..." He swallowed. "I went to apologise because last night shouldn't have happened. Brenda agreed."

"She did?" Sharon couldn't remember the last time Brenda agreed with anyone other than herself.

"She said she should've left when she found out about the case, should've given you your space," Rusty said. "She was really nice about it, mom. And then Provenza called and she insisted on driving me home to get your glasses and then bring me here."

Sharon was about to tell him that it was really okay, that she understood why he had felt the need to see Brenda, but she didn't get a chance because the nurse who had glued her eye now came back in carrying a clipboard and a pen.

"Sharon Raydor?" she asked. It was a formality, since she already knew that information, but Sharon nodded anyway.

"The doctor has just let me know that the X-Ray is clear. No fractures in the eye socket or cheekbone so you're free to go. There's a prescription for some painkillers but if you feel you don't need to fill it then that's up to you." She handed over the clipboard. "It would be best if there is somebody with you for the next twenty-four hours." Her eyes singled out Rusty and he nodded. "The skin glue we used is water-resistant so you can take a shower. Don't rub, pick or scratch the wound. Any signs of infection, call your doctor. If there's any unusual swelling or the pain becomes worse, come back here. Do you have any questions?"

"No," Sharon replied and signed her name at the dotted line at the bottom of the file. When she looked up she spotted Brenda over the nurse's shoulder. She was leaning against the wall. The blonde woman was playing on her phone.

Sharon slipped off the bed with Rusty supporting her and reluctantly allowed her son to carry her purse and her blazer. The muscles in her back protested and she tried not to flinch. She longed for a hot shower to wash this day and the aching in her bones away. Brenda met them at the reception desk and the three of them walked out of the ER together.

Brenda drove the car round to the exit where Rusty and Sharon were waiting. Rusty held the door to the passenger side as Sharon got in. She groaned softly when she sank into the seat, let her head fall back against the headrest and when she turned towards the driver side, she found Brenda looking at her.

"Not a word," Sharon hissed, jerking her head in Rusty's direction and Brenda nodded.

Rusty climbed into the backseat and buckled up. He held Sharon's blazer and purse on his lap. Brenda started the engine and joined the steady flow of traffic.

*

Rusty held the door for Sharon when they arrived at the condo. He still carried her purse and her blazer and dropped them to the floor as soon as he walked in, then turned around to make sure his mother was ok. Brenda walked closely behind Sharon, aware that Sharon had struggled to get out of the car. She didn't say anything but when Sharon turned around slightly and their eyes locked, Brenda knew that Sharon knew.

"Do you want to get changed?" Rusty asked.

Sharon managed to kick off her shoes as she balanced herself against the wall. Her head felt heavy and sore. "I want to shower."

"Are you going to be okay?" Rusty sounded hesitant.

Sharon reassuringly put her hand on his shoulder and smiled. It hurt. Her face was throbbing. But she didn't want him to worry. "I'll be fine," she promised. "If I'm not out in fifteen minutes, you can come in, OK?"

He nodded and then went ahead into the living room. Brenda still hovered in the hallway. She hadn't said more than ten words since they got into the car and now she looked a little lost. Sharon fixed her eyes on the blonde.

Brenda struggled to look at Sharon. Seeing her hurt like this, the bruising and the dried blood, left her feeling angry. And she wanted to do something to make it better but she didn't know how. She hadn't earned her right to be here yet, didn't feel like she was the right person to be around Sharon right now. The urge to want to protect Sharon was strong but Brenda was well aware that it was based solely on her own feelings.

"Thank you, Brenda, for helping us out today," Sharon said, causing the younger woman to look up in surprise. "I appreciate it."

"Don't worry about it," Brenda waved off Sharon's words. They looked at each other for a moment, both acutely aware that just two days ago, this situation would have been unthinkable.

"Would you like some tea?" Brenda offered. "I can make some and have it ready for when you're finished."

Sharon was going to say that Brenda didn't have to go through the trouble because it seemed strange to accept such a thing from her but somehow she said, "That would be lovely," and she didn't even try to change her words. She then turned around and made her way down the corridor to the bedroom and closed the door behind her.

The water was warm and rained down on her in a comforting, soothing stream of relief. It was only now that she was naked and in the full light of the bathroom that Sharon saw the bruises forming on her arms and legs. Her back and shoulders were sore and she suspected they were bruised too. Carefully she let her head fall back and the water rinsed off the remnants of the day.

When Sharon walked into the living room fifteen minutes later, dressed in black yoga pants and an old sweatshirt that had once belonged to Ricky, she found the TV was on. Rusty was on the couch, Brenda in one of the arm chairs. Sharon saw the tea pot and cups on the coffee table. Brenda looked up when she heard Sharon come in and smiled. Sharon sat down next to Rusty and he patted his lap, signalling for her to put her feet up. She normally would have waived him off but tonight she accepted his offer and he propped a pillow underneath her feet.

Brenda stood up, picked up her purse and turned to Sharon. "I should get goin'."

"What?" Sharon blinked in surprise and began to sit up. Immediately Brenda's hand shot up.

"Don't you dare get up," she said, her Southern accent suddenly a lot more obvious. "I can let myself out."

"You don't have to go," Sharon objected.

Brenda chuckled and pushed a curl behind her ear. "You've had a long day. The last thing you need is me hangin' round."

Sharon smiled. "Thank you for being there today."

Brenda felt her cheeks flush pink and she bit her lip. Her heart fluttered in her chest for a moment. "It was my pleasure." She swallowed and then asked, "I could go and get these fixed?" She pointed at Sharon's broken glasses on the table. "There's a little place a block from my apartment. They're pretty good. I can have them back here for you in a day or two."

"Thank you," Sharon said. She pointed at the glasses she was wearing. "These are nowhere near good enough."

"I'll see to it," Brenda promised and she slipped the broken glasses in her purse. She then looked at Sharon. "Take care of yourself, Sharon. And take it easy."

Brenda walked out of the living room but before leaving the condo she looked over her shoulder at Sharon and Rusty sitting on the couch together, Rusty's hands on Sharon's feet. Sharon was leaning back against the couch, her eyes half closed, arm across the backrest. The sharp pang of longing hit Brenda hard and she swallowed to force the lump in the back of her throat back down. She was looking at something she wished she could have but all she was leaving with tonight were the broken glasses in her purse.


	8. Chapter 8

There was nothing she could do to make it look any less horrible. The longer Sharon looked at her own reflection, the more she was forced to accept that this was how it was going to be. She tentavily touched the swelling around her eye and no longer flinched at the pain. The purple bruising that had spread from just under her eyebrow around her eye and partially down her cheek seemed to make the injury ten times worse than it was. Her fingertip then ghosted over the cut just above the swelling. She had contemplated using make-up to try and cover some of the bruising but she had now realised that no amount of concealer would hide the bruises.

When she went to reach the tube of hand cream she kept next to the sink, her body protested against the movement and Sharon bit back a soft whimper of pain. She had woken up several times throughout the night because of the soreness of her body and when she got up this morning, she felt like she'd been hit by a truck. Her shoulders and neck were stiff and her muscles were tight. She'd struggled to make her way across the bedroom and only after a quick but warm shower had the pain subsided enough for her to get dressed.

"Mom?"

She turned around to find Rusty standing in the middle of her bedroom, a few steps away from the door. He was dressed, she noticed, and clutched a cup of what she knew to be tea.

"Hi," she smiled, fully aware that he was staring at her. She couldn't blame him.

"Should you really be up?" Rusty asked. He looked concerned as he noticed she seemed to be dressed for work.

"The doctor said I don't have a concussion and…" Sharon fell silent for a moment when she remembered what she had intended to do yesterday afternoon. "I promised a mother she would be able to see her son."

Rusty put the tea down on the dresser and stared at his mother in shock. "You're going to work?"

"Yes," Sharon said as she walked out of the bathroom whilst readjusting her glasses. She hated them. She couldn't see properly through them and the prescription was wrong. She had to hold items close to her face in order to see them and it was already irritating her. She tried not to flinch when she moved too quickly and a red hot pain travelled down her neck.

She had to go in to work today. It was her duty as a police officer and as a mother. She owed it to Julia and Oliver Grey. She owed it to herself and she owed it to Rusty. She didn't want him to worry about her. Carrying on life as normal seemed like the best thing to do.

Rusty seemed to consider arguing with her for a moment and Sharon was prepared for it but when he remained silent, she turned to look at him and found him watching her with such a worried expression that she crossed the room and put her hands on his shoulders.

"I know you're worried," she whispered. "But it's going to be ok. Andy's picking me up so I won't be driving." She wouldn't be able to see through these damn glasses anyway and would probably just end up having an accident. "And I won't be gone all day. Just a few hours. You're going to be in class anyway. I'll be back before you. What do you say we have hamburgers tonight, hmm?"

"Okay," Rusty said softly. "But you promise you're going to be careful?"

"I promise," Sharon answered.

They left her bedroom together and Sharon had just picked up her keys and her purse when there was a knock on the door. Rusty answered it and Andy stepped into the hallway. His eyes widened when he saw Sharon.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" he asked.

Sharon just shot him a look. "Don't you start."

The drive from the condo to Parker Centre was quiet. Andy had switched on the radio and they listened to one of the morning radio shows and the mandatory traffic report that told them the roads were awful. They didn't speak much and Sharon knew it was because of what had happened yesterday. She hadn't allowed herself much time to think about it, not until that morning, but now the thought kept creeping up on her. When she cast a sideways glance at Andy and noticed the somewhat tense way he held the wheel, she suspected she wasn't the only one.

She liked what they had. It suited her. Was it really true that for Andy it wasn't enough? Did he really want something from her she wasn't sure she could give? Sharon shifted uncomfortably in her seat, causing Andy to glance over at her. Her mind wandered again. What did this mean for them as a couple? She didn't know if she was being fair to him. Could she expect him to be as happy in this relationship as she was if he felt there was something missing?

If anyone felt that she shouldn't be here, they all had the good grace not to question her when Sharon walked into the Murder Room. It felt like any other day, the only difference being that the Murder Board was empty. Oliver Grey's face no longer looked back at them, the timeline had been erased and the crime scene photos had been stored in an evidence box.

"It's worse than it looks," Sharon announced when she saw the way Julio and Amy looked at her. "The swelling should go down in a day or two and the bruising… Well, that may take a little longer."

Her phone vibrated at that same moment and she checked it. The text message was from Emily. _Just boarding the plane. I'll call you once we've landed. Ricky says hi._ The message was a reminder of what else was happening this week. She'd nearly forgotten that Emily and Ricky were flying out to Indiana today for Anne's birthday. It seemed such a stark contrast to the situation she was facing right now.

"Julia Grey is waiting for you in your conference room, Captain," Amy said, forcing her back into the present moment.

"Thank you, Amy," Sharon answered. She looked around the Murder Room, her eyes focusing on every single member of her division. "And thank you everyone. Thanks to you we found the man responsible for Oliver Grey's death. But most of all I want to say thank you for being there yesterday. This…" She pointed at her face. "Could have been a whole lot worse had it not been for all of you."

With that she turned around and headed for the conference room. She hesitated for a moment outside the door and then opened it. Stepping inside she found Julia Grey in the chair closest to the door, sitting bolt upright, hands folded in her lap. The grief stricken woman looked up when she heard the door open and met Sharon's eyes. Sharon felt something shatter inside herself as she thought about what she was about to show this woman.

"Ms Grey," she said softly. "I am so sorry we had to move this to today."

It was in that moment that Julia Grey noticed the bruising. "What happened?"

"It doesn't matter. What matters is that I am here to take you to see your son, to see Oliver." Sharon gestured for the younger woman to follow her and she watched as Julia Grey slowly rose from her chair. Fear and pain was etched across her face and she walked with small steps, as if she was almost too afraid to follow Sharon down to the morgue. Sharon suspected she was afraid. Afraid of what she might see, might feel… She knew that what this woman was about to see would stay with her for the rest of her life. She would never be able to forget it.

There was something especially haunting about walking down the corridors of the morgue when in the company of a parent who was about to say goodbye to their child. The knot in Sharon's stomach tightened the closer they came to the door at the end of the corridor and when they reached it, they both held still. Sharon's hand hovered over the door handle.

"Are you ready?" she asked softly. She tenderly placed her other hand on Julia Grey's forearm. "Take all the time you need."

The other woman took a ragged breath. She was pale, a fact only highlighted more by the lighting down here. "I'd like to see my son, please."

Sharon nodded and opened the door, revealing the room that lay behind it. Morales stood in the middle of the room by the autopsy table, dressed in his usual light blue scrubs. He met Sharon's gaze across the room as she silently followed Julia Grey inside. Her eyes were fixed on the white sheet that covered the autopsy table. The shape underneath betrayed the fact that the body it hid was small. Too small for a place like this, Sharon thought. Too small for any of the cruelty this little boy had faced.

Morales looked at Julia Grey as she stood next to the table. Carefully he gathered the ends of the sheet in his fists and after a final glance at Sharon, slowly began pulling it back. Moments later Oliver Grey's face was revealed and Sharon could only look at him for a few seconds before averting her eyes. His perfect little features were cruelly lit up by the morgue light and his skin was a faint shade of grey. But he looked so beautiful, so still, that it seemed as if he was sleeping and for a second, just a split second, Sharon's eyes drifted to the boy's chest, expecting to see it move. It remained motionless.

Sharon held her breath when Julia Grey reached out her hand to touch her child. When the woman's fingertips touched her son's forehead, Sharon saw her flinch. She had seen it so many times before, had known it was coming and yet it still made her shiver. Touching a loved one and feeling the coldness of their skin was the last cruel reminder that this truly was real, that they really were gone and were never going to come back.

"He's so cold," Julia Grey whispered, tears now streaming silently down her face. "My boy…." She stroked her fingers through her son's hair, the same way she would have done thousands of times before. And many of those times he will have tried to get away from her touch just because he had other things he wanted to do. And she would have let him because she always expected that at night, when he went to bed she would still be able to touch his hair like this as she kissed him goodnight.

"My little boy…"

Sharon swallowed. She felt sick. She couldn't look at Oliver Grey any longer. Seeing him, his hair just as blonde as Ricky's had once been, she struggled not to see her own son's face. Or Rusty. She knew it so easily could have been Rusty. If things had been only a little bit different, he wouldn't be waiting for her at home tonight.

Julia Grey's knees buckled unexpectedly and Sharon was only just quick enough to catch the woman in her arms. She staggered backwards under the sudden weight of the other woman's body, her knees and back protesting violently against the quick movements. Sharon could feel Oliver's mother shudder as the grief overwhelmed her. Julia Grey held her son's cold hand in her own, her desperate sobs the only sound filling the room. Her free hand clung to Sharon like a lifeline, as if somehow Sharon was the only thing in the world she had left.

"I'm sorry, my darling. I'm so sorry. I should've been there. I never should have left you. I'm sorry Mommy wasn't there, baby. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Sharon couldn't bear hearing the other woman's pleas. She continued to hold Julia Grey up, supporting her as best she could but her body ached and her muscles burnt. Frantically Sharon looked to Morales for help, she knew she wouldn't be able to hold on much longer.

The Dr easily read her discomfort and without Sharon having to speak he circled around the table and carefully wrapped an arm around Julia Grey's trembling shoulders, gently transferring the weight away from the Captain. Sharon felt the pain in her body instantly subside and she slowly began to relax as she slowly eased her arm free from Julia Grey's grip.

"You should sit down, Captain," Morales instructed her, not missing the obvious shake of Sharon's hands.

He had done this before, the same way Sharon had, but right now he was far more distanced from the boy on the table than Sharon was. Because right now Sharon wasn't just a police officer looking at a life cut tragically short, she was also a mother who felt another mother's pain on top of her own.

"Thank you, doctor." Sharon fought to keep the emotion from her voice, she tried to sound professional, but the tremor crept into her voice anyway. Her throat was thick and she swallowed hard. The lump didn't shift.

She looked at Julia Grey, who was now leaning heavily against Morales, one last time before turning on her heels and exiting the morgue. Sharon couldn't bring herself to look back through the small window, but instead stood nailed to the ground with her back against the door and let her eyes fall shut. The dull ache in her head became sharper and she carefully touched the side of her face where her ill-fitting glasses pressed uncomfortably against the bruising.

"You really shouldn't be here, Sharon."

Sharon's eyes snapped open and only then did she notice Provenza leaning against the wall. He was staring at the floor but slowly looked up.

Sharon arched an eyebrow. She was tired but a hint of amusement filled her eyes and she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "What are you, my father?"

"I'm not old enough to be your father!" Provenza rolled his eyes. "You were knocked to the ground and you are injured." He narrowed his eyes as he watched how Sharon slowly sank down on the wooden bench outside the morgue. Concern filled his voice when he asked, "How did it go?"

She knew that was why he was really here. To check up on her, to make sure she was alright. He knew what she would have seen. Not that he would ever admit to it because Louie Provenza wanted the whole world to think that he didn't care but he did. He had a kind heart even if he was quite happy for everyone else to think he was a grumpy old man.

"As you'd expect," Sharon answered his question. Her eyes were dull, her voice flat. She wasn't sure she'd be able to forget Julia Grey's face for some time.

"Don't you think it would be better if you maybe took a day or two to, you know…"

"What?" Sharon questioned, now smiling a little. She removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes. They were sore. She wasn't sure she'd last till Monday. "I didn't know you were that eager to lead the division again, Lieutenant."

Provenza smiled too but then his face became serious and Sharon realised that the playfulness from earlier had vanished. "I'm serious, Captain. Patrice said that you'd be better off taking a couple of days to rest and frankly, I agree with her."

Sharon sighed. "This isn't really the best time for me to be at home, Lieutenant." Her eyes pierced into his and it added a level of emotion her voice did not.

Staying at home meant thinking about what Andy had said. Staying at home meant worrying and watching awful daytime TV because she didn't have her good glasses and so she couldn't read the collection of books on her nightstand. It meant seeing little Oliver Grey's face every time she closed her eyes.

"I understand," Provenza said but he did not take his eyes off her. She knew he was reading her like an open book and for once, she didn't mind. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I appreciate the officer, Lieutenant," Sharon answered. "But I'm afraid there isn't."

*

Her phone rang just as she exited the elevator. A glance at the screen confirmed that it was a FaceTime call from Ricky and Sharon pressed the red ignore button. It would do neither of them any good to have her children see her in her present state. Mere moments later the phone rang again but this time it was a normal call. It seemed that Ricky had understood that she wasn't in a position to talk properly. This time she slid her finger over the answer button and brought the device up to her ear as she stuck the key in the lock.

"Hello honey," she said. "Did you and Emily arrive okay?"

"Just fine, mom," Ricky answered. She heard Emily say something in the background that sounded like 'hey mom' and she smiled. To know her children were on the other side of the country filled her with a kind of sadness. She'd wanted to be there with them but once again work held her back. Sharon knew her children accepted this, they always had done, but it didn't ease her own guilt.

"We are just catching a cab to grandma's house now," Ricky informed her. "Did you know Dad is coming out here too?"

"Is he?" Sharon asked, making a mental note that this meant Jack wouldn't be in Los Angeles for a few days. "When is he flying in?"

"Tomorrow. Do you think I need to ask the airline not serve alcohol on the flight?"

"Ricky!" Sharon scolded her son.

"Sorry." There was a load of rustling and shuffling and Sharon guessed Ricky had just gotten in a cab. Then his voice piped back up, a little clearer this time. "So, did anything exciting happen since I've been gone?"

Sharon walked past the mirror in the hallway and looked at her own reflection. The purple bruise was rather unsightly and she softly touched it. "No," she answered casually. "Nothing at all."

"Cool." There was a pause. "You will call on Saturday, won't you?"

"Of course," Sharon promised. She kicked off her shoes and dropped her purse on the couch. "Will you tell your grandmother I said hello?"

"I will."

They said goodbye and after she hung up Sharon left her phone on the coffee table, walked into the kitchen and got herself a cold glass of water. She sipped from it as she walked from the kitchen to the bedroom. There she put the glass on the dresser and changed her black slacks and button down for a pair of yoga pants and simple white t-shirt and cardigan.

It was only four in the afternoon and she was home before Rusty, which was something that rarely happened. Sharon enjoyed the quietness of the condo. Living with a teenager meant a constant exposer to music or TV one way or another and it was rare to just be able to relax in silence. She circled around the couch and sat down, sinking into the cushions. She sighed as her body finally began to relax.

It had taken far more energy than she expected to get through the day. Her body had ached every time she moved and as the day progressed, walking had become more difficult. The headache and dull pressure in her face had become draining and the eyestrain had grown worse as the day progressed. Sharon reached up to her face and removed the glasses, dropping them down beside her on the couch. Slowly she let her eyes fall shut.

The soft pinging of her phone cut through the silence, announcing a text message. Sharon opened her eyes and slowly sat up. She picked up the phone and brought it close to her face so she could read the message without the help of her glasses. To her surprise, the message was from Brenda.

_How are you feeling?_

Sharon smiled to herself. She hadn't expected Brenda to text. She tentatively moved her fingers across the keyboard. I've felt worse. I've also felt better. She hit send and almost instantly the little grey speech bubble appeared at the bottom indicating that Brenda was writing a message back. Moments later the blue text balloon popped up.

_Are you home?_

Sharon typed a reply confirming that she was and she hadn't even put her phone down before it rang. Brenda's name appeared on her screen and she looked at it for a moment, struck by the realisation of just how long it had been since she had seen it.

She then hit the answer button and brought the phone to her ear. "Brenda?"

"Hi," Brenda said on the other side of the line. "I uhm… I just wanted to see how you were doin'."

"Let's see, I watched a woman fall apart in the morgue as she said goodbye to her six year old son, my kids are in Indiana to celebrate their grandmother's eighty-fifth birthday and I won't be able to join them and to top it off, my face looks like something from a horror movie," Sharon dryly answered. She leaned back into the pillows on the sofa and carefully pulled her legs up underneath her. "But I'm fine, thanks for asking."

Brenda let out a noise that sounded like a snort mixed with a chuckle. "Sure sounds like you're doin' great," she said. "Are the painkillers workin'?"

It was a reminder for Sharon that she was due to take some more. "Just as soon as I take them they will."

For a few moments there was only silence and Sharon remembered the conversations she and Brenda had had in the week after Brenda shot Philip Stroh. Mostly it had been about Rusty and Sharon's OIS investigation. She'd cleared Brenda of any wrongdoing in less than twenty-four hours but the phone calls hadn't ended. Sometimes it felt like they were both picking up the phone just to have someone to talk to when everything became a little too quiet. And right now, as she sat in the same spot where she'd sat when talking to Brenda so many times before, Sharon realised how five years later, things were so different. So much had changed.

Brenda's voice dragged Sharon back into the present moment. "I took your glasses to that place around the corner. They said they could fix them but it'll be Monday before it's done. Are you sure you're gonna be OK?"

"I'll live," Sharon answered. She was tired. She let out a deep sigh as she rubbed her forehead and then quietly added, "Thank you."

She heard the background noises. Faint voices, the sound of cars driving by. She wondered if Brenda was outside somewhere.

"I'll drop them by the Murder Room on Monday then." Brenda's voice was interrupted by the sound of a police siren and Sharon knew for sure that Brenda was outside.

"Are you sure?" Sharon asked carefully.

"It'll be good to see everyone."

Sharon heard the key in the door and turned to look over her shoulder. Rusty walked into the hallway, ruck sack in his hand. He dropped it just before padding into the living room.

"Rusty just got home, Brenda, so I'd best go see how his day has been," Sharon said. "Thanks again for getting my glasses fixed."

"No problem," Brenda answered. She sounded almost chirpy. "I'll see you Monday. Bye bye now."

"Bye," Sharon replied and then put down the phone. Her eyes fixed on Rusty and found he was looking at her with great curiosity.

"That was Brenda?" he wanted to know. He seemed surprised.

Sharon nodded. "She just called to let me know that my glasses will be fixed on Monday. She'll drop them by the Murder Room."

"How did it go today?"

Sharon briefly closed her eyes. "Maybe it's best if we don't talk about that tonight." Slowly she opened her eyes again and looked at her son. She could see the concern on his face, saw the way he looked at her injuries. She knew the bruises scared him. "I think we should do something nice, don't you think? How does Netflix and a pizza sound?"

"Can I pick the movie?"

"Yes but I get the pick the pizza toppings."

"Just no anchovies, ok?"

Sharon smiled as Rusty picked the TV remote off the coffee table. "Ok."

She got up, biting back a groan of discomfort, to go to the kitchen. Her phone pinged with another text message and she opened it. Andy's message was simple but she knew he meant it. _How are you feeling?_

She typed back that she was OK and told him not to worry, even though she knew he wold anyway, and left the phone on the armrest of the couch before making her way into the kitchen.

By the time Sharon had found the menu for their favourite pizza place. Rusty was already scrolling through the Netflix movie options and she watched with a smile as he dismissed one after the other before finally settling on a movie she'd never heard of. When she sat back down and put her feet back up, she noticed her phone had lit up with a text message from Brenda. She opened it.

_Remember to take those painkillers._

Sharon inwardly groaned at the thought of having to get up again to get her pills and instead asked Rusty to get them for her. Without hesitation he disappeared into the kitchen, rummaged around for a glass and found the bottle of pills on the counter. He brought them in and handed them to Sharon. She thanked him with a smile and after swallowing down two of the pills with half a glass of water she looked back at her phone and although her screen didn't light back up, when she glanced at it, Sharon smiled anyway.


	9. Chapter 9

The file was on her desk when she came in. Sharon saw it as soon as she walked through the door. The folder was red with a white label on the front. She had filled in countless of these herself on behalf of other officers but somehow it struck her, seeing it lying on her desk, knowing that this particular file wasn't about somebody else but about her. She turned in the doorway, her eyes seeking out Provenza's. He met her eyes and she knew he had left it there for her to find. She smiled in thanks, not missing the way his gaze lingered a moment longer on the bruises on her face and then he looked back down at the paperwork on his desk.

Sharon closed the door behind her, unbuttoned her blazer and circled around her desk. She sat down slowly, ignoring the lingering ache in her back, and pulled the file towards her. Seeing her own name written on the label in neat capital letters felt somewhat strange. She had been so used to being the one to write the reports, not being the one about whom reports were written.

The first thing she saw when she opened the file was an incident report, already filled out, signed and dated. All it needed was her own signature at the bottom of the page. But her attention was drawn to the pictures attached to the top right corner of the report with a single paper clip. Sharon winced as she removed the photos. She was looking at herself but it felt like she was looking at someone else.

The pictures had been taken in the ER a few minutes after she arrived. Andy had insisted he'd do it after Sharon pointed out that a report needed to be written. He'd pulled out his phone and had looked at her. "Better it be me than someone else," he'd said as he'd brushed the hair out of her face to fully reveal the full extent of the bruising.

The flash on the camera had been bright and unforgiving and Sharon had closed her eyes after the first shot. Each snap, each flash, had felt like an intrusion. Seeing herself like this, bloodied and bruised, with her eyes closed, made her feel uneasy and filled her with dread. Sharon stared down at the cut across her face, saw the dark droplets of blood that trickled down her cheek, and she felt angry. She hadn't seen it coming when she felt she should have. She knew Anderson was a violent man. How had she misread the warning signs?

Sharon slowly lay the pictures out like a puzzle in front of her. Seeing herself as a victim was not something she was used to and for the first time she was confronted by the startling realisation that this was how the people she came across every day had to feel. People who were victims of crimes and who saw themselves being reduced to pictures on whiteboards and handwritten reports in folders.

Sharon knew that the DA's office would be using the pictures to charge Anderson with assaulting a police officer on top of the first degree murder charge for killing Oliver Grey. Jason Scott Anderson would most likely spend the rest of his life on death row. If at all possible, Sharon knew she would be spending as much time as she could in court when the case came to trial.

"Captain?"

She looked up to find Provenza standing in the doorway.

"Lieutenant," she smiled. "What can I do for you?"

"Just checking if we've got everything covered," Provenza answered and pointed at the pictures on her desk. "And we probably have to take some more pictures."

Sharon nodded. Her injuries had changed since these pictures were taken and she looked worse now than she did when she first arrived at the hospital. In this unguarded moment she was taken back to the night where she had taken pictures of Rusty's bruised and bloodied face after Daniel Dunn had hit him. Had he felt like this too? Like it was some kind of invasion of personal space?

"I'll get Andy to take some more," she said without looking up. "Was there anything else?"

"I just got a call from your old friends over in Force Investigation Division."

Now Sharon looked up. "What?"

"They became involved after what happened with Anderson. Apparently they are, and I quote, investigating Julio for excessive use of force. All because Anderson had a black eye when he left here." Provenza looked intently at Sharon's face. "All things considered, he should be lucky a black eye is all he got."

Sharon sighed and leaned back in her chair. That scenario hadn't even crossed her mind but she knew the system better than anyone and Anderson's black eye would have automatically triggered a use of force investigation. She removed her glasses and dropped them on the desk before rubbing the bridge of her nose. She didn't know how she was going to last until Monday without her good ones.

"Leave it with me, Lieutenant," she said softly. "But Julio will have to be on desk duty until this whole thing has been cleared up." There was a pause. She knew he didn't like it. Frankly, she didn't like it herself but the rules were there for a reason. She looked out into the Murder Room and saw Julio at his desk, typing away on his computer. He had his back turned towards her.

"I'll talk to him," Sharon added before Provenza had a chance to question her decision. "But later." She gave him a look that made it very clear he was not to mention it and the Lieutenant nodded before turning around and leaving the doorway. She watched him walk away and followed him with her eyes across the Murder Room until he had reached his desk.

She then focused on the file in front of her and began reading the statement and incident report. There were several pages, each with the account of one of her detectives detailing what had happened. She knew that these statements would also back Julio when it came to the use of force investigation as well as provide clear evidence to the court what Anderson had done. With a sigh she signed at the parts where she needed to and then reattached the pictures. She carefully placed the file in her top drawer, on top of the file with Philp Stroh's picture on the front, and closed the drawer again.

Sharon stood up slowly and walked out of her office into the Murder Room. It was one of those rare days where the phones didn't ring with the report of a body and people were catching up on paperwork that had accumulated in recent days. Without speaking she made her way over to Andy's desk and he looked up when he heard her approach.

"Everything ok?" he asked. There was a hint of concern in his voice.

"We're going to need some more pictures for the report," Sharon said.

Andy nodded and stood up. She led him into the conference room and closed the blinds. When she turned to look at him she found him watching her and she came to the realisation that this was the first time they'd been alone since their conversation in the restaurant, not counting the time in hospital. And as Sharon looked up to meet Andy's eyes, she knew that he'd realised it too.

"So," she said, wiping her hands along her blazer. "Let's do this."

Andy slowly approached, phone in hand, and he held still a couple of inches away from her. When he held up the camera and Sharon saw the flash, she felt the same dread she'd felt in the emergency room. When she heard the first picture snap she almost flinched but composed herself and pulled her hair out of the way to show the side of her face.

They didn't speak while Andy took the photos but when he slipped his phone back into his pocket he said, "About the other day…"

"I understand," she interrupted him. "And I'm sorry for having made you feel like…" She wasn't sure how to finish that sentence. She didn't know how she'd made him feel. She clumsily looked up at him, green eyes filled with confusion.

"I guess neither of us is very good at this," Andy pointed out. He smiled. It was a sheepish smile, childlike almost. The kind of smile that betrayed nerves and insecurity. "I just…." He hesitated and looked around, almost as if he was unsure if this was the right time and place. He then decided that it was. "I really care about you, Sharon, and I don't want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable but…"

The conversation was making her uncomfortable. As much as she felt that they needed to have this discussion, Sharon felt unable to actually get the words out and say what she needed to say. They really had reached a point where they had two different visions and both were very valid. She nervously fingered one of the buttons on her blazer, twisting it around a couple of times before buttoning it up.

"Is there a reason why?" Andy asked. He wasn't being intrusive. She sensed he was trying to be kind, was trying to understand her. "Is it Jack? Is it because it's been quite some time since..." He didn't finish that sentence.

Sharon wasn't sure what he was trying to say. Was he inferring she'd been a nun during the years she'd been separated from Jack?

She blinked a couple of times. "I don't have an answer for you," she admitted. "I know you feel like you want some kind of explanation but I don't have one. I'm not ready. This…" Se deliberately left a silence between them. "….This was not something I'd planned for. And when I said I was prepared to see where this road would lead, I meant I'd be taking small steps. I understand your feelings but please, also understand mine."

Andy looked at her. "I do," he said and let his fingers run down her cheek. The touch was soft and Sharon felt herself relax a little. The tension she had felt about this eased a little. When she looked up at him and found Andy still looking back, she felt that they had gone back to a time before all of this.

"Are there any more pictures we need to take?" he asked her and Sharon's eyes widened.

There were more bruises. On her back, on her legs, on her arms. Back in the hospital one of the nurses had taken those pictures because Sharon had not wanted Andy to do it. She didn't want him seeing her like that, undressed and bruised. They had barely reached the point where they would sometimes touch each other underneath their clothes and she wasn't prepared or ready to bare herself in such a way. He had waited outside, his shadow visible through the curtain, as Sharon undressed and exposed her injuries to the nurse.

"I errr…." Sharon swallowed and felt the blood flush to her cheeks. The awkwardness filled the air again. She knew she was rejecting him and he knew it too. But she just couldn't. Green eyes looked up at him. "I'd rather…"

"I'll get Amy," Andy said. She heard the defeat in his voice. He smiled and she knew he was trying to reassure her. "It's fine, Sharon. I understand"

"Why don't you come over for dinner Saturday night?" Sharon suggested in an attempt to break the tension that had started to build again. "It's been a while and with everything that's been going on…"

Andy nodded and leaned in, kissing her softly on her cheek. "Of course," he answered, his breath warm against her skin. His hand briefly found hers and she squeezed it before he stepped back. He held up his phone. "I'll go and have these printed off and send Amy in."

Sharon watched him walk away before slowly sinking down in one of the chairs at the table and waited for Amy.

Moments later the young detective walked in and Sharon quietly instructed her to close all the blinds. Once finished, Sharon slowly stood up. She felt uncomfortable. She didn't want to have to do this but she knew that for the report, all her injuries needed to be logged. It felt humiliating to have to undress in front of Amy, more so than undressing in front of the nurse at the hospital.

"Captain, are you sure you want to do this now?" Amy sensed Sharon's hesitation.

Sharon nodded and began unbuttoning her shirt. The pink silk fabric slipped down her shoulders, revealing a simple white laced bra but also the deep purple bruise across her shoulder. She felt self-conscious about the freckles on her skin, about the faded stretchmarks on her belly, the way her skin was starting to show her age in places. She felt Amy's eyes burn into her as she slowly turned around, revealing the extent of the bruises on her back. Sharon heard Amy gasp and she shivered as the cool air of the conference room touched her skin.

Amy's voice was soft when she said, "I didn't realise it was this bad. How hard did you land?" She took a step towards Sharon and pulled her phone from her pocket.

"Hard enough," Sharon answered through gritted teeth. She flinched when she heard the first picture being taken. She held her shirt in front of her chest, clutching the fabric tightly against her fingers, as Amy carefully continued to take pictures.

Sharon showed Amy her arm when the young detective asked for it and when Amy snapped the last picture, their gazes locked and Sharon could see the sadness behind Amy's eyes. She knew they would never speak of this again. She had allowed Amy to see her at her most vulnerable and she knew Amy wouldn't do anything to betray the trust Sharon had in her. Amy turned around, allowing Sharon to get dressed without being watched even though by now there was nothing left to hide. It was when Sharon softly cleared her throat that Amy turned around again, smiling this time.

"Thank you for trusting me," she said softly as she clutched her phone to her chest. "I'll print these pictures and will see to it they go straight into the report. No one else will have to see these."

"Thank you, Amy," Sharon replied.

Amy held the door for the Captain and Sharon exited the conference room and returned to her office.

The remainder of the day passed in relative quiet. They didn't roll out and by the end of the day the piles of paperwork that had been piling up on people's desks had been significantly reduced and the one on Tao's desk had disappeared altogether. It was the kind of day they didn't get many of and although Sharon appreciated it, especially considering the circumstances, she almost wished for something to happen because her team would become restless. But the phone didn't ring. It seemed that, today at least, no one had died that warranted Major Crimes being called out.

It was almost five o'clock when her phone pinged with a text message and Sharon cast a quick glance at the screen. She was in the middle of a witness statement from a different case, one that required her presence in court in the coming weeks, and the message was an interruption. She picked up her phone when she saw Brenda's name on her screen.

_Just checking in. How's the bruising?_

Sharon smiled. If someone had told her five years ago that Brenda Leigh Johnson would be texting her to inquire about her injuries, she would have told them it was more likely for hell to freeze over. But a lot had changed in five years and now Sharon unlocked her phone and began typing a reply.

_I still look like I'm about to audition for a horror movie._

She hit send and waited for a few moments, expecting the little grey speech bubble to appear almost immediately. It didn't so Sharon put the phone back down and looked back at the paperwork in front of her. The letters danced before her eyes and she groaned as she removed her glasses. Her eyes were tired and she could feel the beginning of a headache building up. Sharon resigned to the fact she wouldn't be able to continue reading and cast a quick glance at her watch. Five o'clock exactly. There was actually a chance she would be home for dinner.

Sharon packed up, leaving her desk tidy and paperwork stored in the drawer, and picked up her purse. She switched off the light and walked into the Murder Room. Everyone was still working.

"Go home," she announced, causing people to look up. "Have an early night for once. See your family, go out for dinner or catch a movie." She looked around. Every single one of these people worked long hours, giving their lives to their jobs. Spending time with loved ones was rare. She smiled. "Just go home."

Her eyes singled out Andy. She relied on him to take her home. He stood up after switching off his computer and together they walked out of the Murder Room and rode the elevator to the parking lot below the building. They didn't speak but Sharon didn't feel they needed to. The silence was a comfortable one and when they reached Andy's car, he held the door for her as she got into the passenger seat.

Andy drove her home and saw to it that she made her way to the elevator without a problem. She kissed him goodbye, maybe lingering a moment longer than she normally would, almost as if to reassure him that they really were alright. Then the doors slid shut and she found herself alone in the small space, with the large mirror cruelly reminding her of just how badly her face had bruised.

Rusty was already home and after noticing the tired look in her eyes, offered to cook. Sharon accepted his offer and after pouring herself an ice cold glass of water from the fridge, wine was off limits due to the painkillers, she walked to her bedroom and got changed. Bare foot she padded back into the kitchen ten minutes later and found Rusty standing by the stove stirring what looked like the beginnings of a pasta sauce.

"How was class?" she inquired as she leaned against the counter.

"Boring." He looked up at her, smiling. "How was work?"

Sharon smiled too and put a hand on his arm. "Boring."

The remainder of their evening was calm and quiet. Rusty cooked a delicious pasta and Sharon cleared the table once they were finished, stacked the dishwasher and switched it on. She wiped down the counter and switched off the kitchen lights. She then took the painkillers she was supposed to have taken two hours earlier and joined Rusty on the couch to watch some TV. She noticed how he spent more time looking at his phone than he did the screen and she wondered, just for a moment, if he was texting Brenda. It was only when he smiled in that particular way that she guessed he was texting Gus instead.

It was only ten o'clock when Rusty said he was going to bed and he kissed her goodnight. Sharon sat in the living room for a little while longer and watched the late news before switching off the TV and getting up. When she walked past Rusty's room she heard music and the sound of fingers typing on a keyboard. Rusty was probably working on his next vlog. She briefly knocked on his door, said goodnight and then made her way down the hall to her own bedroom.

She washed the remnants of make-up off her face, brushed her teeth and brushed her hair. She'd shower in the morning. She didn't have the energy for it now. After Sharon put down the brush she stared at her reflection for a little while. Time was beginning to leave its marks on her skin and Sharon was reminded, not for the first time in recent days that she was getting older. It didn't bother her but it was something she knew she couldn't avoid. Her body would need longer to recover after the fall. Longer than she would've needed ten or twenty years ago. She was approaching sixty-five and with that came thoughts that most other people would have too. Things like retirement and the years ahead and how she'd fill them would occasionally pop up in her head.

Sharon changed into a pair of silk pyjamas when she walked back into the bedroom and climbed into bed. She turned to pick up the book on her bedside table only to remember that she couldn't read with the glasses she was wearing and she let out a frustrated sigh before taking off her glasses and switching off the light.

She lay in the dark for a while staring at the ceiling, but eventually she drifted off to sleep.

*

The air was cold, so cold it made the hairs on her arms stand up. She could smell it; the putrid smell of death. Somewhere in the distance a door closed. It echoed, like the sound of a bullet being fired from a gun and she turned around. The single lightbulb on the ceiling swung precariously from side to side, flickering every so often and shrouding the entire corridor in darkness for a split second.

She carried on, the sound of footsteps hollow and haunting, until she reached the door. There was no window so she could not see in. The door handle was cold against the palm of her hand and she opened it. The room behind the door was so brightly lit it was blinding. The autopsy table stood in the middle of the room, draped with a white sheet. She could see the form of a body underneath, saw a bare foot sticking out, a tag dangling from the toe.

She didn't want to but she had to walk over to the table. Something stirred inside of her, something unsettling, as she came closer. Her hands were shaking when she reached for the sheet. She felt sick and the tears stung behind her eyes when she pulled the sheet back and looked down at the lifeless face underneath. Rusty's dead, wide open eyes were staring back at her.

She woke up with a terrified scream and sat up with a jolt. Beads of sweat glistened on her forehead and her heart thundered in her chest. Her mouth was dry and tasted like she'd swallowed a handful of sand. The sheets were tight around her body, having wrapped themselves around her legs as she'd thrashed around. She kicked in an attempt to free her foot and only realised she'd called Rusty's name out loud when she saw him standing in her bedroom doorway, his body backlit by the light coming from the hallway.

"Mom?" He asked softly as he crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. Sharon could just about make out the shape of Rusty's face in the darkness but she couldn't see his eyes. She knew he was looking at her, she could feel his gaze on her. Sharon felt the weight shift as Rusty came closer.

She felt his hand on her shoulder, shaking her softly to make sure she was awake.

"Did it happen again?"

Sharon didn't answer. What could she say? How could she tell him?

When she didn't speak, Rusty covered his mother's hand with his own. Sharon realised her own hand was cold because her son's was warm. He laced his fingers through hers. She was breathing hard. Adrenaline and panic pulsated through her veins.

"It's ok," Rusty soothed. "It was just a dream. It's not real. Mom, it's ok." He drew circles on the back of his mother's hand and felt how she slowly stopped shaking.

There had been nights like this one before. Nights where he would hear Sharon scream or cry when she woke from her nightmares. Sometimes he had to wake her because she was still dreaming. Nights like this were the only times where he did not hesitate outside her bedroom door. She never told him what she saw in her dreams and he didn't ask. Instead he would sit with her until the panic subsided. They wouldn't speak much, choosing instead to sit silently in the darkness that surrounded them. Rusty would always wait until Sharon's calm, steady breathing told him she was asleep and even then he wouldn't leave. He would watch her for a while, just to make sure that whatever demons haunted her didn't come back.

They didn't speak about it in the morning. It was like a secret they chose not to talk about. Something that they only shared in the shadows of the night. It was only in those moments that Sharon allowed Rusty to comfort her. And he knew it was because she didn't want him seeing her like that in the light of day. She believed in being strong for him, for everyone around her, and she wasn't the kind of woman who showed her weaknesses easily.

"Did I wake you?" Sharon stammered. The insane pounding of her heart began to settle down. "Oh Rusty, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. Just go back to sleep," Rusty said softly, his hand still covering Sharon's. "It's ok."

She wanted to say something. Another apology, perhaps. Or maybe just that she loved him. But the words didn't come so instead she lay back down, her heart still thudding harshly against her ribcage and her skin still clammy.

Rusty sat with her until she drifted off into a quiet slumber and even then he did not leave. He watched as her chest rose and fell slowly, her features soft and void of stress, the bruises masked by darkness, and he felt an enormous sense of pride. He knew Sharon chose to suffer her nightmares in silence because she didn't want the images in her head to settle into his too.

He crept out of his mother's bedroom long after she'd fallen asleep and made his way back to his own. He slipped back under the sheets but left the lamp on his bedside table on.

Just in case.

*

Brenda poured herself a second cup of coffee and squeezed some honey into it before taking a small sip. The bitterness of the coffee was diluted by the sweetness of the honey and it was just what she needed. Most mornings she wasn't ready to face the world unless she'd had at least two cups.

She leaned against the counter, her eyes closed, and inhaled the scent. She loved the smell of coffee in the morning. As she stood, her mind began to wander and she replayed the events from recent days in her head.

Seeing Sharon with her face bloodied and bruised had been startling. It had upset her more than she'd been prepared to admit at first but by the time she'd left Sharon's condo after taking her home from the hospital, she couldn't shake the feelings that had welled up inside.

She'd intended on making her way back into some kind of life in Los Angeles slowly, maybe rekindling some old friendships, including with Sharon. But 'slowly' had gone out the widow and she'd been catapulted right back into some part of her old life and it was as if she'd hit some kind of a whirlwind. What had started as a tentative cup of coffee with Rusty had ended with dinner at Sharon's and, eventually, it had resulted in Brenda taking an injured Sharon home.

Brenda had wanted to stay. She hadn't wanted to leave the condo. It was selfish, she knew that, but she'd wanted to stay with Sharon just to make sure she was ok. But she couldn't, for all kinds of reasons. So sending a text message every day and promising to get Sharon's glasses fixed was the best she could do.

Brenda's eyes snapped open as her cell phone rang. The ringtone was sharp. She hadn't changed it since she got this new phone and she vowed that after today she finally would because the sound drove her mad. She grabbed the device of the side and groaned when she saw Gavin's name flash across the screen. It was too early for this.

"Good mornin', Gavin," she said sweetly.

"Good morning to you too, Brenda Leigh," her lawyer answered.

Brenda walked from the kitchen into the living room, coffee mug in hand, and sat down on the couch. She pushed aside the empty Hershey wrapper and yesterday's paper before putting the mug down on the table.

"What can I do for you?" she wanted to know.

"That depends."

Brenda furrowed her brow. "Depends on what?"

"On how badly you want these divorce papers signed."

"Really?!" She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Are you tellin' me Fritz is still bein' difficult?"

"You know what he wants, Brenda. He wants you to admit to the adultery claim. He's not going to sign anything until you do," Gavin answered. There was a pause and Brenda could hear what sounded like footsteps in a stairwell. "I can fight him until the cows come home but it's not going to make things any better for you. And that lawyer of his is a piece of work."

"Takes one to know one," Brenda retorted.

"If that's meant to be some kind of compliment, you might want to try again."

Brenda shifted and pressed the phone against her ear a little harder. This whole thing had been going on for five months now. She was done and she was fed up. She'd started the divorce proceedings long before she even came back to Los Angeles in the hope it would be done by the time she did. Instead she'd walked into some kind of legal mud fight and things were getting messier by the day.

She knew Fritz had every right to claim adultery as the reason for their divorce. It wasn't the only reason, they both knew that, but at least this way Fritz wouldn't look like the guilty party and it would all be on her. He would just be the poor guy who was abandoned by his ex-wife because she finally accepted that she was gay and cheated on him with a woman ten years her junior.

"Fine."

"What?" Gavin sounded surprised.

Brenda tucked a curl behind her ear and irritation coiled in the pit of her stomach. "Give him whatever the hell he wants. I'm done. This whole shit show has been goin' on for too long and I'm done."

Gavin sounded hesitant. "You know what this means, right?"

"I'll be known as a cheat and it'll be official," Brenda replied. She pulled her legs up onto the couch and leaned back into the pillow. "But I don't care anymore. I just want this to end. I want to start livin' again."

"If that's what you want," Gavin said. "I'll send the papers to Fritz's lawyer by courier. They should have them by lunchtime."

"Thank you."

"So, have you seen Sharon yet?"

"I'm not havin' this conversation with you," Brenda answered sharply. She could hear Gavin chuckle at the other end of the line and she wasn't sure if she loved him or loathed him at this moment. She sighed. "Yes, I have." Her stomach tightened the way it always did when she mentioned Sharon. "I've seen her."

"Oh you have to tell me all the details."

"We had dinner and it was a total disaster. Then I took her home from the hospital the next day after someone attacked her so all in all, it's been fan-fucking-tactic."

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"What do you think?"

"So no pretty rainbows and glitter then?"

"This is my life we're talkin' about, not yours," Brenda quipped but grinned anyway.

"Fine. Whatever. Have it your way." Brenda heard a door open in the background. "So, are you sure you want me to send these papers back to Fritz's lawyer?"

"Just give him what he wants. I'm tired and I'm done. Just make sure that Fritz agrees to give me back some of my stuff at the house."

There wasn't much she wanted and she hadn't been back to the duplex since returning to Los Angeles but there were some things she wanted. Some photos, a couple of candle sticks her Mama had given her and a few other small things that meant something to her.

"I'll get it sorted," Gavin promised and they said their goodbyes.

Brenda didn't put her phone down straight away but opened her messages instead. Sharon's name was at the top. She typed a quick "good morning" and hit send before abandoning the phone on the coffee table and getting up to go and take a shower. When she stepped under the hot flow and tilted her head to let the water rain down on her face, she wondered for the first time what had truly driven her back to Los Angeles. Was it the divorce? Was it because she had finally reached a point in her life where she could no longer hide who she really was?

She'd always known, had always felt it, but had never said anything. She simply couldn't and the longer she chose to ignore it, the easier it became. Strange, perhaps, but she was so good at lying to others that lying to herself just became second nature.

She'd stared into her dinner a little longer than necessary when her Daddy made a less than flattering comment about the gay couple down the road when she was still in High School and she accepted Steven Hill's request to accompany him to senior prom. She even kissed him goodnight. And she still kept quiet when Jimmy left home and moved to New York, taking nothing but a couple of suitcases full of clothes with him. Daddy never did tell her about the fight they had the night before but she'd heard their raised voices. She'd stood in the doorway of his empty bedroom that morning and overheard her Daddy telling her Mama that Jimmy had chosen his friend over his family. It seemed that only Brenda understood Frank wasn't just Jimmy's friend.

Moving out of her parent's home to go to college had felt like a relief. No longer were her father's prying eyes watching her every move or scrutinising every boy who so much as looked at her. Finally she was free to see whoever she wanted and eventually the inevitable moment came where she fell in love with a girl. It lasted only a few months and ended just around spring break, Brenda didn't even remember who had broken up with whom, but those few months were the freest she'd ever felt. Going home for the holidays and sitting around the dinner table, Brenda didn't answer when her mother asked her if she was dating anyone. She merely looked at Jimmy, who had reluctantly flown to Atlanta, alone, for the briefest of moments and then they both stared into their plate. Some things were perhaps better left unsaid.

From that moment on she was just looking for the picture perfect life. But marrying George had been a bad idea, she knew that before she even did it, but she still walked down that aisle and said 'I do'. She didn't love him. She knew that now. She loved the idea of loving him. He was an asshole who drank too much and called her names. But her parents had expectations and she tried to live up to them, even if George wasn't exactly what her Mama and Daddy had expected.

It lasted only six months. No one spoke about the divorce. Just like Jimmy leaving for New York, it was like it had never happened.

She wanted to erase the disappointment she saw in her Mama's eyes. She couldn't bear the sadness. She knew she'd destroyed the image they had of her and she wanted to fix it, she just didn't know how. So when Fritz walked into the hotel during her first week in LA, a time where she felt lonelier than ever, she knew. She knew how to make things better and undo some of the damage from the past. When she announced she was marrying Fritz, her parents were delighted. Finally they were getting what they'd always wanted. Then Jimmy rang her one night when she was home alone.

"Brenda Leigh, what are you doin?'

She'd pretended she didn't know what he was talking about. "What do you mean?"

"You and I both know what I mean."

She'd hung up on him.

It seemed to be going well, living this seemingly picture perfect life. The life her parents always wanted for her, minus the crazy hours perhaps, and minus the grandchildren she knew they so badly desired. Bringing children into all of it had just been a step too far.

Fritz was a good man. A kind man. He was prepared to accept things about her nobody else ever had. And somehow, someway, she grew to love him. Not the earth shattering and all-consuming kind of love all those trashy romance novels her Mama collected talked about but she respected him and cared about him. He was her friend, her ally. She'd finally found a way to make it work.

And then, Sharon Raydor had walked into her life and Brenda's carefully constructed web of lies fell apart.

Because she fell in love with Sharon. Not during that first meeting in the middle of a hospital corridor. No, she'd wanted to strangle her then. But it had happened, at some point. Brenda didn't know when but it had snuck up on her and then it had just been there, staring her in the face. And she couldn't lie anymore.

Brenda's eyes snapped open and she took in a large gulp of air.

This was her life now. And she would live it.

Somehow.


	10. Chapter 10

Sharon ran into Rusty in the kitchen that morning and was greeted by the smell of fresh toast and tea. He turned around when he heard her come in and smiled. When he handed her her favourite cup, she knew that he remembered last night too. She looked at him for a moment and contemplated saying something, anything, but when Rusty carried on pouring himself a glass of orange juice, Sharon decided against it.

This was what they did. When the nightmares came and Rusty found her screaming or crying in the middle of the night, they wouldn't speak about it the next morning. Sharon had tried after the first time it had happened but Rusty had brushed it off. It had left her feeling a little embarrassed and uncertain but a few nights later, when she woke up crying again, he was right there on her bed again to hold her hand. The next morning he had made her tea and now it had just become something they did.

"Are you in court today?" Rusty wanted to know.

"I am," Sharon answered.

Rusty turned around. "Looking like this?"

Sharon had considered this too. "I'm afraid so," she replied. "Sometimes things just can't be changed."

Rusty just nodded and carried on preparing his own breakfast. Sharon watched him, struck by just how mature and grown up he had suddenly become. She felt burdened by the knowledge that he had come to her last night, that there were times where she needed him as much as he needed her, but it seemed that Rusty didn't consider this as troublesome as she did.

"What time does class finish today?" Sharon asked after Rusty had downed the entire glass of juice at once.

"Around three, I think. I might meet up with Gus though so I probably won't be home till dinner."

"So I'll see you when I get home then."

They finished off their breakfast and Sharon put the plates, cups and glasses in the dishwasher as Rusty went to brush his teeth. When he came back out of the bathroom she was already at the door with her keys in her hand, ready to go downstairs and wait for Andy to come by and pick her up. She turned to look at Rusty before she opened the door and their gazes locked. The look they shared was one of quiet understanding.

"Bye," she said before kissing him on his cheek. "Have a nice day."

"You too, mom," Rusty said as he watched her leave. "I love you."

"I love you too."

*

Going into court with her face bruised and swollen was something Sharon had not expected and after checking with Andrea on her way to the courthouse to see if there was any way they could get a continuance, and being told that she would have to testify that morning anyway, Sharon reluctantly climbed the few steps leading to the court house's main entrance. She was aware that people were watching her and even with her badge and gun clipped to her waist, she wondered if they were making the wrong assumptions.

She was fifteen minutes early and made her way effortlessly to courtroom two. She had been here plenty of times before and knew her way around the courthouse. Andrea was waiting for her outside the double doors and the blonde DDA looked up when she heard the sound of Sharon's heels.

"Sharon, I tried to get a…." Andrea's eyes widened when she laid eyes on Sharon. This was the first time she had seen the Captain since the incident. "Shit, Sharon! I didn't know it was this bad!"

Sharon shrugged. "Nothing I can do about it now, I suppose." Her eyes briefly darted to the double doors. They were still closed but would open soon. "What are you going to tell Natasha's family?"

Natasha Connor was the young aspiring actress found dead in her bath tub two months earlier. She'd drowned and a tox-screen had shown a high level of prescription painkillers in her blood. At first they'd assumed suicide but after a couple of days they discovered Natasha's director husband was having an affair with another woman. Suspicion had landed on him but eventually it had turned out that the other woman, Janie McKenzie, was responsible for Natasha's death.

The case had gone to trial last week and today was the day Sharon was supposed to be giving her testimony. She had been the incident commander and had conducted most of the interviews, having quickly established a good relationship with both Natasha's parents and the girl responsible for her death. Today she would sit across from Janie McKenzie again. Sharon wasn't sure she'd ever forgot the ice cold look in the young woman's eyes when she eventually confessed to killing Natasha. All because Janie had wanted Natasha's husband Rick all to herself.

"I'll explain that you were involved in an accident," Andrea said softly and then she smiled. "You looking like this might actually help us. The jury will feel sympathy towards you."

Sharon shot Andrea a dark look but smirked anyway. "Anything to help you win your case."

The doors behind them opened and the two women turned around to see a court officer standing in the open doorway. He summoned for them to come inside and then propped the door open. Soon the gallery would be full of people following the trial. Natasha's parents and brother, her friends and complete strangers who had some kind of interest in following trials.

Sharon followed Andrea to the front of the court room and sat down in the chair on the left side of the desk. Andrea opened her briefcase and took out a small stash of paperwork, placed it on the desk and rummaged around to find a pen before putting the briefcase down on the floor. She then sat down next to Sharon just as a man in his late forties in an expensive suit and a slick haircut also walked into the room. He greeted Andrea with just a look before sitting down at the desk on the other side of the room. He was Janie's defence attorney and Sharon knew from experience he was a piece of work.

The court room filled up rapidly in the next ten minutes and then the doors were closed. On the other side of the room a small side door opened and Janie McKenzie was brought into the courtroom escorted by two police officers. She wasn't wearing her orange jumpsuit anymore and looked smart and sophisticated in the pantsuit. Her brown hair was pulled back into a neat braid. Sharon constantly sensed that this was an act to play the jury and the hairs on the back of her neck stood up when she briefly met Janie's cold eyes.

The twelve members of the jury took their seats. No one spoke. The courtroom was silent. It was as if everyone seemed to understand why they were here; that between these four walls they would discuss the tragic loss of a human life.

"All rise!" the court officer who had opened the doors called and everyone in the room rose to their feet.

Judge Wallace walked in from his chambers and sat down. He looked around the courtroom and made a small gesture. Everyone sat down and he rustled some papers before readjusting his glasses and looking around.

"In the case of the state of California vs Janie Samantha McKenzie," he began and his gaze fixed on Andrea. "DDA Hobbs, call your first witness please."

Andrea stood up, straightened her blazer and with a steel expression said, "The prosecution calls Captain Sharon Raydor of the LAPD."

Sharon stood up, buttoned her blazer and circled around the desk to approach the witness stand. Before she got into the box, one of the court officers came up to her with a Bible in her hand and Sharon heard the oath she'd taken so many times before repeated to her once again.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

Sharon's green eyes darted in the direction of Janie McKenzie. The girl's face was expressionless and Sharon felt a cold shiver shoot down her spine.

With confidence she answered, "I do."

*

An hour and fifteen minutes. That was how long she'd been on the stand for.

An hour and fifteen minutes of answering all of Andrea's questions before also facing the prosecution. As expected, Janie's lawyer had tried to discredit Sharon and had even made light of her injuries, insinuating that maybe she'd hit her head and couldn't remember events clearly. It was only when she gave a detailed description of the crime scene without needing to see the pictures that Sharon noticed the uncomfortable twitch below the lawyer's eye and she knew she had him.

When she finally exited the courtroom she felt dirty and in desperate need of a shower but it would have to wait until she got home tonight. She made her way down the corridor in the direction of the exit and it was only when she heard someone call her name that she looked up. She smiled in surprise when she saw Brenda walk towards her.

"Hi," Brenda said when she reached Sharon. Brown eyes immediately scanned the injuries on Sharon's face. She couldn't hide her shock when she realised how much they had changed since seeing Sharon last. "Wow."

"It's shades of blue and purple I didn't even know existed," Sharon grinned. She took in Brenda's appearance. Dark blue pencil skirt, matching blazer and a white blouse. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a high ponytail and Sharon narrowed her eyes. This was definitely something Brenda wouldn't wear in her day to day life.

"What are you doing here?" she curiously inquired.

"Job interview. The DA's office called this mornin' but the guy I'm supposed to meet is in court all day so we just talked outside for a little while. I just came to get some coffee before headin' home," Brenda answered. She swallowed, suddenly aware of the butterflies that danced around in her stomach. Her eyes found Sharon's. "Is that cute little coffee shop still here?"

"The one across from the elevator?" Sharon asked and Brenda nodded. Sharon had had plenty of coffees there herself over the years. The food was awful but the coffee wasn't bad. "Yeah, it's still there."

Brenda nervously tucked a stray curl behind her ear. She knew she shouldn't have any expectations but she just couldn't help herself. "Join me?" she asked and watched as Sharon's eyebrow moved upwards a little. Sharon was clearly surprised by the request and quickly Brenda added, "Or do you need to get back?"

Sharon glanced at her watch. She had a meeting with Taylor but not until that afternoon. Unless they caught a case, all that awaited her was more paperwork and she most definitely wasn't in the mood for that. She nodded and unbuttoned her blazer. "I've got time."

Ten minutes later they had managed to find a table near the coffee shop's entrance and there were two cups standing in front of them. Sharon had ordered a skinny latte, Brenda a coffee mocha and she had insisted she'd pay for their drinks. The blonde now fumbled with the wrapper of the biscuit that came with her drink and Sharon couldn't suppress a smile at the sight of Brenda's impatience.

"What?" Brenda asked when she saw the way Sharon looked at her. She arched an eyebrow.

"Nothing. Some things never change, that's all."

Brenda didn't respond to Sharon's little joke and gave up trying to tear open the wrapper, dropping the biscuit back down on the table. "Is it healin' well?" she wanted to know. She pointed at Sharon's face.

"Not as fast as I would like but I'll live," Sharon replied. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat and folded her hands around the warm coffee mug. The heat she felt against her fingers was comforting. "Thank you again for helping me out like that."

"Don't mention it. But the next time I need a favour, I know where to go."

They both smiled.

"How's Rusty?" Brenda then wanted to know. She took a small sip from her drink. It tasted both bitter and sweet.

"He's fine," Sharon answered. "He tries not to let me see that he's bothered by… Well, this. But he's handling it well and he's doing well in class."

"He's come a very long way from that angry teenager in my kitchen," Brenda said. "And that's a credit to you, Sharon."

Sharon didn't look at Brenda but stared into her drink instead. "It's been a combined effort."

Brenda watched as Sharon stirred her coffee, momentarily struck by just how almost surreal this situation felt. This time last week, nobody knew she was back in Los Angeles and now she was having coffee with Sharon, the one person she had tried to run away from for so long. Time had passed but some things just hadn't changed and the way she felt now that she looked at Sharon sitting across the table from her, was still the same as how she'd felt when she looked at her from across the Murder Room. She would have to live with it somehow. It was all that she could do.

Brenda's phone beeped with a text message. It lay next to her cup and both women looked up at the same time. Gavin's name popped up on the screen and Brenda quickly grabbed the phone before casting Sharon an apologetic glance. She then opened the message, heart pounding in the back of her throat.

_I have sent the papers to Fritz's lawyer by courier half an hour ago. This will all be over soon._

"Good news?" Sharon asked when she saw the relief spread across Brenda's face.

"You could say that."

Brenda didn't know why she didn't mention her divorce, or Fritz. She knew Sharon worked with him sometimes, he was leading SOB after all. He used to mention Sharon to her from time to time before Brenda moved to Washington, unaware of just how hearing Sharon's name caused her to hurt inside. These days she couldn't even remember how she had carried on living that lie for so long before finally fleeing to the other side of the country.

Brenda's fingers moved from her messages to her contacts and hovered for a second over Fritz's name before clicking on it. The message screen popped up and she typed a few quick words.

_Papers are on their way._

She hit send and dropped the phone back on the table. When she looked up she found Sharon still looking at her and Brenda felt the blood rush to her cheeks. She needed a few seconds to compose herself and then said, "I bet you'll be glad to have your glasses back."

"You have no idea!" Sharon exclaimed as she reached for the spectacles she wore on her face. Brenda was once again struck by the intense shade of green of Sharon's eyes. The brunette looked down at the glasses in her hand. "These are awful. I can't read through them." Sharon rubbed the spot where the glasses had dug into her nose. "But I suppose I ought to be glad I kept them."

Brenda watched as Sharon put her glasses back on and let her finger run along the rim of her cup. This was only the second time she'd seen Sharon since the disastrous dinner the other night and although they had texted and spoken on the phone, what had happened that night was a subject they had not discussed. But it had continued to pop up in Brenda's mind.

"About the other night," she began and Sharon looked up. "About the dinner…"

"Oh," Sharon said softly. "Brenda, I am sorry. I didn't handle it well and…"

Brenda waved off the older woman's apologies. "It's OK, Sharon. Don't apologise. I just…" She nervously picked at her fingernails. "I know that's not how things were supposed to go and I was wonderin' if maybe you'd like to, you know, try again?"

"What? Dinner?" Sharon blinked in surprise. She thought that Brenda wouldn't even want to entertain the thought of having dinner again.

"Somewhere else this time maybe," Brenda suggested. "You can pick the place. Or Rusty, if he wants to come. Maybe goin' out makes it…." She smiled. "A little less stressful."

Sharon considered Brenda's suggestion for a moment. She knew she had to make up for what had happened the other night and so she nodded. "Ok. Are you free Monday night?"

"Monday's fine," Brenda answered.

At that moment Sharon's phone rang and the Captain answered it. "Yes, Lieutenant?" She listened for a moment before saying, "I'll be back in half an hour. Can you tell Chief Taylor to hold on until I get there?"

Brenda watched as Sharon began to organise herself. "Caught a murder?"

"Not yet but by the time I get there, that may have changed. Taylor's having some kind of standoff with someone from FID and I have no idea why." Sharon stood up and then cursed softly under her breath. "Damnit."

"Somethin' wrong?"

"Andy dropped me off this morning and…"

"My car is parked around the corner," Brenda interjected, causing Sharon to look in her direction. "I can give you a lift."

"Parker Centre is in the opposite direction. Even at this time of day it's going to take you forty-five minutes to get home once you've dropped me off."

"I have a few errands to run so it's not a problem," Brenda insisted. Sharron still seemed hesitant to accept her offer. "Really, Sharon, it's fine. Do you really want to find out if Taylor will murder that FID officer? Imagine the paperwork!"

Sharon flashed a smile and watched as Brenda stood and picked up her purse. Together they walked out of the little coffee shop and towards the courthouse exit.


	11. Chapter 11

Having the weekend off was somewhat of a rarity for Sharon. To know that even if a murder were to have happened, her division wouldn't be called in felt even stranger, but Taylor's new regulations meant that Major Crimes and Robbery/Homicide were sharing the on call responsibility and this weekend any murders would be picked up by the opposite division.

It allowed for a rare morning where Sharon slept in till eight am and took a long shower. The warm water soothed her still aching muscles and she found some joy in using her favourite shampoo and shower gel. Rinsing out her hair felt like a liberation. and Sstanding under the hot flow she looked down at the bruises on her arms. They had spread and changed in colour. The bathroom lightning made them stand out even more and she softly touched them. Some spots were still quite sore.

Sharon examined the bruises across her shoulder blades and back when she stood in front of the mirror after her shower. She pulled her dark hair aside and revealed the angry looking purple marks across her skin. She couldn't see them all, and in a way she was glad of that, but it also seemed that these ones took longer to heal than the ones on her arms and face.

She walked out of her bathroom dressed in just a towel and she felt less burdened than she had done in recent days. She chose a simple pair of grey linen pants and an elegant purple button down from her wardrobe and got dressed. She picked up her glasses from her bedside table and put them on, silently cursing the fact she was still stuck with this unsuitable pair. Bare foot and with her hair still damp she padded into the living room and found Rusty still in his pyjamas on the couch, bowl of cereal in one hand and the TV remote in the other. Sharon allowed herself a momentsecond to just cherish this moment; the quiet times they got to share, moments that could so easily be taken for granted.

"Morning," Rusty said when he saw her standing by the couch and he sat up. He narrowed his eyes at the sight of his mother with wet hair. It wasn't something Sharon did often but she didn't have the strength to blow her hair dry.

Now that her face was void of any trace of make-up, the bruises stood out even brighter against the soft tones of her skin. They had started to change colour, fading from the dark blue to lighter shades of purple and hints of green.

Sharon smiled. "Good morning." She looked at the bowl in her son's hand. "Have you had breakfast yet?"

"I was about to. Why?"

"I was thinking about going out to that little place on Mulholland," Sharon replied. "The one we went to for your birthday. It serves those wonderful pancakes, remember?" Her green eyes twinkled when she saw how Rusty's face lit up. "But if you'd rather eat cereal…"

Rusty leapt to his feet and had already emptied the bowl into the trash before Sharon even had a chance to say something anything moreelse. He shot past her and promised to be back in ten minutes and by the time she called after him to calm down, she already heard the shower being switched on. Smiling, she walked into the kitchen and rinsed off Rusty's bowl before putting it in the dish washer. Just as she was about to go through yesterday's mail, she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket.

The text message was from Brenda.

_Good morning. Please tell me Taylor is not currently under investigation for murder._

Sharon chuckled softly to herself as she typed her reply. _I got there before he could do any more damage. Thanks again for driving me._ She hesitated briefly before adding, _Are you doing anything interesting today?_ She hit send and slipped the phone back into her pocket, but not before switching it back onto sound.

In the end it took fifteen minutes instead of the promised ten for Rusty to get ready but that was because he'd grabbed a pair of jeans that turned out to have a missing button. Sharon used that time to brush her hair and tie it back into a wet, loose bun in the back of her neck. It would be awhile before her hair was even close to dry.

She was about to lock the door to the condo when her phone beeped with another text message and she opened it as she walked to the elevator where Rusty was already waiting.

_There are still boxes that need to be unpacked. Now is as good a time as any. Do you have plans?_

Sharon texted back that she was taking Rusty out for breakfast and, without really thinking about it, added the name of the place and finished the message with 'in case you're hungry.' She was smiling when she stepped into the elevator.

When they reached the parking lot and walked up to the car, Sharon hesitated. She held the keys in her hand but she knew she shouldn't be driving. Rusty seemed to sense her hesitation and carefully asked, "Do you want me to drive?"

Sharon could count the occasions where he had driven her on one hand and when she slipped into the passenger seat and put on her seatbelt, she had to laugh when Rusty had to readjust the driver's seat to the correct position and muttered something about not being able to see through the rear view mirror but by the time they left the parking lot and Sharon had turned on the radio, Rusty was smiling again.

*

The Mermaid Inn was a small diner on Mulholland Drive that Sharon had discovered by accident when working a crime scene a few years ago. Its name would lead people to believe it served seafood but it couldn't be further from the truth. The restaurant seated maybe thirty costumers and breathed an old fashioned atmosphere. When she and Rusty walked in, Sharon quickly saw that about half the tables were still empty and the young waitress that greeted them guided them to a seat by the window before presenting them with the menu. Sharon ordered some tea and Rusty asked for orange juice.

Rusty studied Sharon from over his menu and watched as she squinted slightly whilst reading. "Why are we here?" he asked and Sharon looked up, arching an eyebrow in surprise.

"What do you mean?"

"You said yourself we went here for my birthday. This is a special kind of place. Today is not a special day."

Sharon put down her menu and looked at him. "Rusty, I just wanted to do something nice. It's not been an easy week and I want you to know that I really appreciate how you've been helping me out." She watched how his features relaxed and suddenly she felt bad for having worried him. "I know that seeing me like…" She pointed at her face. "…this is upsetting and I wanted you to know that it's all going to be ok."

Rusty nodded. "I know." An almost cheeky grin spread across his face. "So, can I have the double chocolate pancakes with extra cream and strawberries?"

Sharon openly laughed. "Sure."

Rusty grinned in satisfaction. "Is Andy still coming for dinner tonight?"

"Yes," Sharon answered. "It's just dinner though. Nothing special."

Her phone rang at that moment and as she went to answer she realised it was a FaceTime call from Ricky. It was at that moment that she remembered where her other son and daughter were and that Indianapolis was three hours ahead of Los Angeles. She pressed the green button without thinking and Ricky's face popped up on her screen. And he wasn't alone. Anne Raydor, his grandmother, sat next to him, and she could see Emily in the background.

"Hi Mmom!" Ricky called and then his eyes widened. "Shit Mom, what happened to your face?!"

"Richard William Raydor, watch your mouth in front of your grandmother!" Sharon exclaimed, horrified.

"Sorry." Ricky looked a little embarrassed. "But really though, what happened?"

"Not now," Sharon interjected and focused her attention on the woman sitting next to her son. She silently cursed herself for having answered the call without remembering how she looked. "Anne! How wonderful to see you!" She smiled and from across the table Rusty could see how his mother's eyes lit up. "Happy Birthday!"

"Thank you, Sharon, honey," Anne answered. She seemed a little confused by the fact she could actually see her former daughter-in-law. "When Ricky said we were going to call you, I wasn't expecting to see you."

Sharon looked up at Rusty and beckoned for him to get up and walk around the table. "It's so good to see you," Sharon said. "And please don't mind the bruises. It was an accident and it's all taken care of." Rusty appeared behind her at that moment and shyly smiled. "Rusty wants to say hi too."

"Hey," Rusty said as he laid eyes on the woman for the very first time.

Anne Raydor had white hair that had recently had a perm. Not one of those in your face onesperms, but a subtle one. She wore a dark blue dress with a white collar. He could see the hint of a gold chain hanging around her neck. The lines across her face were soft, not deep, and she had bright blue eyes that seemed to be accentuated by the pink lipstick she was wearing. Anne Raydor looked like a woman with class, a woman who could hold her own.

"I've heard so much about you, young man," Anne said. "Ricky here won't stop talking about you."

Sharon glanced at Rusty and her suspicions were confirmed when she saw he was blushing. It made her smile. She looked back at her phone and a sense of guilt and loss settled in her chest. Her children were out there in Indiana with their grandmother celebrating her birthday and she was here, watching them on her phone. She wanted to be there with them, wanted to enjoy the special times, but she'd had to accept that she could only watch from a distance, through a phone screen. And it hurt.

"I wish I could be there with you," she said when Ricky started telling them what they'd been doing so far and what the plans were for the party that evening.

"Oh, I know, Sharon," Anne said. "Don't you dare apologise to me for doing your job."

From the tone of the woman's voice, Rusty guessed this wasn't the first time Sharon had heard those words.

The conversation flowed easily and Anne asked Rusty about his course and Sharon watched with an animated smile as Rusty spoke to the woman who had influenced her life so much in a way that felt like he had known her forever. Anne was engaging and charismatic and Rusty seemed to take to her without much hesitation.

The time got away from them and it was only when the waitress arrived at their table with their pancakes that Sharon realised they had been talking for nearly half an hour. They said goodbye and she ended the call with sadness in her heart. She left the phone on the table, almost as if it was somehow an invisible connection to the people she had just seen, and let out a sigh.

Rusty looked down at his pancakes for a moment before looking back up at Sharon. "Why are you still talking to Jack's mom?" he wanted to know.

"What do you mean?" Sharon asked. She was pouring maple syrup over her own pancakes.

"You and Jack are divorced. He wasn't there for you. Why are you still talking to his mother?"

"Because I separated from Jack. I didn't separate from his family."

Rusty seemed surprised at that answer. "What?"

"Jack wasn't the kind of father I wanted Emily and Ricky to have. Anne and George knew that too. They knew what he was doing and Anne didn't approve. George didn't either, but Anne was more vocal about it. And they tried to help me as best as they could." Sharon looked down at the pancakes on her plate. It felt almost strange talking about a life that she had lived that seemed so different from the life she had now. She looked back up at Rusty. He was still watching her intently.

"Every summer Emily and Ricky would go stay with them for a few weeks. I would go with them for a couple of weeks and then go back to Los Angeles. Anne and George would bring the kids back a few weeks later," Sharon ended her story.

Rusty looked at Sharon, saw the way her eyes had softened, the way she smiled when she spoke about Anne.

"She sounds like a wonderful woman," Rusty said softly. He wasn't blind to the contrast between Anne and his own mother. His own mother had walked out on him whereas Anne had tried to help Sharon raise her children. He also couldn't help thinking of Jack, who had done nothing to help raise his son and daughter and had left his wife and his mother to do the hard work.

"She is," Sharon replied. Her voice was soft and carried a raw emotion Rusty rarely heard.

"She was there when my own parents were not. Anne and George lived in Los Angeles when the children were little. They didn't move to Indiana until Ricky was twelve. My parents are in Chicago and couldn't help. Anne would pick Emily and Ricky up from school, she would babysit them at night if I had to work. She would pick up my dry cleaning and make sure there was milk in the fridge." Sharon swallowed as the lump in her throat grew bigger. The things she owed to this woman couldn't really be put into words. There were tears in her voice when she spoke again.

"She helped me be a good mother to them and shaped me to become a better parent. I don't think I could have some of the things I did without her help. She is very special to me."

Rusty swallowed. "When was the last time you saw her?"

"She and George came to Los Angeles the summer before I met you," Sharon answered. "I haven't been able to make it over there since. But I was thinking…" She poked at a piece of her pancake with her fork. "I was thinking maybe we could go over for Christmas, you and me?"

"You and me?" Rusty questioned in surprise. "As in, together?"

Sharon nodded. "Yes. What do you think?"

Rusty smiled and stabbed at his pancakes with vigour. "I'd love to." When he looked back up at Sharon, he could see the way her eyes had lit up.

Maybe today was a little bit special after all.

*

Sharon took Rusty shopping after breakfast and they walked back into the condo just after two thirty in the afternoon. Rusty was carrying three bags full of new clothes and Sharon had one of her own. She took off her shoes by the door and as she stood back up she felt the muscles in her back protest. The ache was seeping back into her bones and she padded barefoot to the kitchen. Her phone beeped and she checked the message. It was from Brenda.

_Sorry I couldn't join you for breakfast. Maybe another time. Hope it was nice all the same._

She put the phone back in her pocket and then poured herself a cold glass of water, took two painkillers from the bottle she kept by the sink and swallowed them. She then made her way into the living room and sank down on the couch before pulling up her legs. Now that tshe pressure was off her back Sharon relaxed and leaned back.

Rusty joined her a few minutes later and she suggested watching a movie on Netflix before dinner. She let Rusty choose, aware that she would probably end up with some zombie movie and therefore wasn't surprised when he chose 28 Days Later. Her phone beeped again and when she checked it the text message was from Emily. It was a picture of a birthday cake and Anne Raydor blowing out the candles. Emily's message underneath said Wish You Were Here.

Around five she got up to get changed and asked Rusty to lay the table. Dinner would be Thai take out but she wasn't planning on eating it in front of the TV. Sharon heard him open the kitchen cupboard and take out the plates as she walked into her bedroom. She unbuttoned her grey pants and the fabric pooled at her feet. She pulled the shirt over her head and deposited both items in the hamper. Sharon then chose a simple blue dress, one she would sometimes wear to work, and put it on. She brushed her hair and tied it up a little, leaving most of it to still fall down around her shoulders.

Her phone rang and she answered it after the second ring. It was Emily. Hearing her daughter's voice brought a smile to Sharon's face and she sank down on the bed.

"Hey," she said. "Are you having a good time?"

"We are but it's not the same without you," Emily answered. Sharon could hear the sadness in her daughter's voice. "People are asking about you."

Sharon sighed. The guilt was overwhelming. "I wish I could be there too, honey."

"Are you ok?" Emily questioned and Sharon knew this was the real reason her daughter called. To reassure herself her mother was alright after seeing the bruises that morning. "Because I know what you're like and I know you're trying to make me and Ricky feel better but mom, your face looks awful!"

"I'm fine," Sharon promised. "I didn't want to worry you and Ricky unnecessarily. It was just an accident at work. They're just bruises. In a couple of weeks, no one will remember it even happened."

They spoke for another fifteen minutes or so with Emily filling her mother in on everything that had been happening so far. Sharon heard voices in the background at one point and Emily explained she was outside on the porch and someone had just opened the front door.

"Dad arrived this morning," Emily said at the end of her story.

Sharon felt a familiar tingling in her belly at the mention of Jack. "How is he?" She tried to sound neutral. She had never talked bad about him in front of her children, they had learnt for themselves what kind of a man their father was, but now that they were older, it was harder to hide some of the venom in her voice. She just couldn't help it.

"They're serving wine," Emily answered and Sharon let out a knowing sigh. "Ricky is keeping an eye on him."

"You should go back inside," Sharon suggested. The last thing she wanted was Jack accusing Emily of spending time talking to her mother on her grandmother's birthday. It was the sort of thing he'd do. "Tell your grandmother I'll call her tomorrow. There is something I need to talk to her about."

"I will," Emily said. "Have a nice day, mom."

"You too, sweetheart. I love you."

"I love you too."

When Sharon came back into the living room she discovered the table had been set for two instead of three and she turned to Rusty. "Are you going out?"

"Gus wants to go see a movie. Is that ok?" he asked. "He literally just text me."

Sharon nodded. "Take the car. Beats the subway at night. Do you need some money?"

"I'm good, thanks." Rusty slipped his keys into his pocket and circled around the couch to kiss his mother on her the cheek. "Have fun." He winked at her.

"Be safe," she called after him as he opened the front door.

Andy came walking down the corridor just as Rusty stepped out of the condo and he held the door for the lieutenant. Andy put a hand on Rusty's shoulder, wished him a good night and then made his way througho the door and greeted Sharon with a kiss on her cheek. Sharon inhaled the by now so familiar scent of his cologne and smiled to herself as she closed the door behind him.

They ate dinner and Andy insisted on putting the dirty plates and glasses in the dishwasher. He then wiped the table and the counters in the kitchen, set up the coffee machine for the next morning and joined Sharon on the couch. They watched a movie – Doctor Zhivago, one of Sharon's personal favourites- and Sharon appreciated that Andy at least tried to pretend he actually enjoyed it. She put her hand on his knee and he covered it with his own.

They sat like this, in silence, and slowly Sharon lay her head down on his shoulder. Sitting like this, the way they had done so many times before, felt good. She appreciated what he had done for her over the last few days and although there had been moments she'd rather not think about, it had all led up to this and when she looked down at his hand on hers, she released a sigh and let her eyes flutter shut just as the credits began to roll.

"I should go ad let you get someo to sleep," Andy whispered into her ear. His breath was warm and she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. He lazily kissed her on her hair.

"Hmmm," Sharon hummed softly. "Not just yet."

She felt his hand twitch.

Slowly Sharon opened her eyes and looked up at him. She watched as Andy came closer. He didn't break eye contact until he kissed her and Sharon sighed into the kiss. Her free hand found its way up his arm and towards the collar of his shirt. She pulled him closer and he willingly let her. Her nails now trailed over the side of his neck.

This was what it was supposed to be like, she thought. This was what they were meant to be doing. Maybe it was time. She couldn't cling to the images from the past forever. She knew she had to take this step eventually.

His lips drifted from her mouth to the side of her neck and Sharon's breath caught in the back of her throat. Inside her body, something stalled. Something she couldn't explain. It reoared its head and overwhelmed her.

As she kissed him, she remembered what he had said, what they had talked about only a few days ago, and she tried to hold on to this moment, to the feeling of Andy leaving soft kisses along her neck. Her arms found their way around his body and they shifted on the couch until Sharon was leaning back against the armrest and Andy was partially on top of her.

She wanted to.

Sharon tried to let go of whatever was holding her back but it was when she felt Andy's hand inch up her dress that she closed her fingers around his wrist and her eyes snapped open. His opened too and he looked at her for the briefest of moments before slowly sitting back.

"You're not ready," he concluded before she could speak. His voice was soft and reassuring. "I understand, Sharon."

"Andy, I…"

"Sharon, it's OK," Andy insisted and took her hand into his before bringing it up to his lips and kissing it. "We've had a nice evening. Why don't we focus on that instead?"

Sharon just nodded but didn't speak. She didn't know what else to say.

*

The Major Crimes division rolled out in the early hours of Monday morning and Sharon was in some ways glad she had chosen to spend her Sunday quietly with Rusty at the condo. When her cell phone rang at the three in the morning with the message of a shooting outside a nightclub, she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and quickly got dressed. She left a note for Rusty in the kitchen and Andy picked her up at three thirty and drove her to the crime scene. What she'd encountered when she arrived was a scene of bullets, blood and chaos.

By lunchtime Monday the number of casualties from the shooting was five and two more victims were in critical condition in hospital. They had ruled out a terrorist motive but had failed to identify another reason for the shooting. Sharon had stood over the lifeless bodies of five young men and women who had gone out for a night of fun in Los Angeles and who had not come home this morning. Somewhere else in the building, Amy and Julio were working to identify the victims' next of kin before setting out to do the notifications. The Murder Room was frantically busy with people coming and going and the solitude and silence of the morgue had almost come as a welcome moment of reflection.

Sharon ended up doing one of the notifications herself when the father of one of the victims came in unexpectedly in the hope of finding out what had happened and to report his son missing. Telling the man that his twenty-one year old son lay dead in the morgue, his body sprayed with bullets from an automatic weapon, filled Sharon's heart with sadness and she couldn't bear looking at the crying man for a moment longer and left him in the company of Tao. When the door to the breakroom fell shut behind her, she leaned against it with her back and sucked in a ragged breath.

Rusty saw his mother walk into the Murder Room and from where he sat he could see the dark rings around the her eyes, the shadows etched across her face. He watched Sharon disappear into her office close the door and draw the blinds and his eyes drifted to the white board. Five faces on shiny glossy pictures were smiling back at him. That was all they were now; pictures and names.

His cell phone rang and he found it in the front pocket of his rucksack. He frowned when he saw the call came from Emily and he quickly answered. "Hey," he said. "What's up?"

"Rusty, is Mom there with you?" There was a strange tone to Emily's voice. Something he couldn't identify. He had never heard it before.

He wondered why Emily didn't just call Sharon herself. She called her once a week anyway. "She's working. Well, she's in her office so I guess yeah, she's here." An unnerving feeling crept up on him.

"I've been trying to call her all day. So has Ricky. I've left like ten voicemails. She's not called me back."

Rusty looked in the direction of Sharon's office, a feeling of dread washing over him. "Is everything ok?"

"No," Emily stammered. "I need you to get Mom and I need you to get her now."


	12. Chapter 12

Rusty watched as Sharon walked out of her office and headed straight to the Murder Board. Sharon didn't seem to notice him, her eyes instead fixed on the pictures on the board.

Something didn't fit. She could feel it but she didn't know what it was. It didn't matter how long she stared at those images, she still couldn't see it and it was beginning to irritate her. She readjusted her glasses as she studied one of the crime scene photos more closely. Yellow markers with the numbers 24 to 31 marked the bullets found around the body.

They were still no closer to finding out what had happened and time was getting the upper hand. Soon they'd reach the point where people's statements became too unreliable because too much time had passed. They would start to mix up their memories with what they heard on the news and read in the papers and any and all objectivity would be lost.

"Captain?"

She turned around when Buzz spoke to her. He held up a flash drive. "We've got the security footage from the shop across the street. It's a bit grainy, the camera's ten years old, but I can try to clean it up."

"Good." She nodded approvingly. "Set it up. I'll be there in a minute."

She had seen Rusty walk into the Murder Room from the corner of her eye but didn't turn around fully to greet him. Instead she focused again on the pictures on the white board, on the faces of the men and women who were butchered in the street. Anger coursed through her veins, frustration bubbled underneath her skin and she silently vowed to herself that she would solve this case, even if it meant she wouldn't sleep for three days.

"Mom?"

Sharon heard her son's voice but didn't turn around. "Rusty, not now."

Across the Murder Room, Provenza spotted Rusty too, saw the way the young man's face had contorted into a mask of confusion. He clutched his cell phone to his chest and his eyes were fixed on Sharon. Somewhere in the back of the Lieutenant's mind, alarm bells went off.

"Mom," Rusty repeated himself. _"Mom!"_

Sharon turned around this time, frustration etched across her face. "What is it?" She sounded breathless. "Rusty, we are in the middle of a…" Her voice faltered when she saw the way he looked at her. She had seen that look before. It was a look of panic and of fear. She noticed the way his shoulders had dropped and how he looked away from her now that she fixed her eyes on him. She took a step in his direction. "Rusty, what's going on?"

Behind her, Andy rose out of his chair. Julio turned in his. Something shifted in the air. She could almost feel the tension crackle and for the duration of just a couple of heartbeats, she didn't know what to say or think or feel. But then the fear washed over her and she took another step closer to Rusty. He didn't move and when she reached him, she put a hand on his arm. Only then did she see the tears behind his eyes, the way he worried his bottom lip with his teeth.

"Rusty, what happened?"

Rusty held up his phone. His hands were shaking. "I… I just spoke to Emily. She's been trying to call you all morning and…" His voice cracked and Sharon's hand flew down to her pocket. She didn't have her phone. It was in her purse in her office.

"Emily?" Sharon's breath hitched and she fought to suppress the instant panic. It was an overpowering sensation, to feel fear settle in her chest and have it squeeze the air out of her lungs. "Rusty, what did Emily say?"

"She errr… she said that this morning when she…." Rusty struggled to get the words out. "She went to bring Anne her coffee in the study…" His eyes finally snapped up to Sharon. He was crying now. Tears slid silently down his cheeks. "Anne's dead."

It was as if someone just punched her in the stomach.

"What?"

"Emily found her on the floor in her study. She called the paramedics but there was nothing they could do."

Sharon stood nailed to the ground, hands hanging limp at her side. For a single precious moment she felt nothing but then the pain came. The pain tore through her insides, ripped through her heart, her stomach, her soul. She tasted the tears on her lips before she even realised she was crying and when she wiped her cheeks to brush them away, she looked down at her wet fingertips in confusion.

"Captain?"

Provenza's voice seemed to come from miles away.

She felt a hand on her arm, another on the small of her back. Someone was talking to her, tried to guide her towards a chair. She wanted to move her legs but she couldn't. It was as if she just didn't remember how.

"Captain, maybe you should sit down."

Provenza's voice was close to her ear now but she barely heard him.

Sharon looked up and the room came into focus. People were watching her. She could feel their eyes on her. No one spoke. She stood in a room full of people whom she considered to be her family and yet she felt like she was totally alone.

She turned around and felt Provenza's hand fall away from her arm. She didn't speak but walked to her office. The door closed behind her with a soft click. The silence lingered for a few seconds longer before Julio looked around the Murder Room and asked the question everyone was thinking.

"What the hell just happened?"

Provenza looked at Sharon's office door but then turned to look at Rusty. The kid looked devastated.

"What's going on?" He asked.

Amy circled around her desk and softly nudged Rusty until he sat down. She then kneeled down in front of him as Provenza leaned against the desk.

"Anne is..." Rusty frowned. "She's Sharon's mother-in-law."

"Jack's mother?" Andy questioned and Rusty nodded. "Wow."

"What are we going to do about the Captain?" Provenza's eyes shot back towards Sharon's office. "She is clearly upset. Someone should go in and..."

"No, no!" Rusty objected. "Sharon doesn't like it when people..." He didn't finish that sentence.

"But we should make sure she's ok, right?" Andy looked at the closed door too. "I mean..."

"Why don't you go in then?" Provenza prompted. "You know the Captain better than the rest of us."

Andy stared down at his desk. "I wouldn't be too sure of that."

The sound of heels approaching caused everyone to look up and Tao was the first one to lay eyes on Brenda walking into the Murder Room. He leapt out of his seat with excitement.

"Chief!"

"How many times do I have to tell you to stop callin' me that?" Brenda joked but she shook his hand and smiled anyway. Her eyes then scanned the Murder Room. She had been a police officer for too long not to sense that something was wrong. "Gees, did somebody just die?"

Julio looked up at her. "You have no idea ma'am."

"What're you doing here?" Andy wanted to know.

"I had Sharon's glasses fixed. I promised I'd drop them by." Brenda had noticed the woman's absence the moment she walked into the room. "Is she around?"

"Now is maybe not a good time, Brenda," Rusty said softly.

Brenda saw the tears in his eyes, the helpless look on his face and she dropped her purse on the nearest desk and walked over to him. "What happened?" she wanted to know. "Where's Sharon?"

"In her office," Provenza said calmly. "But she's just had some bad news and..."

Brenda's eyes widened. "Bad news? Is she alright?"

"She's a little...upset," Andy replied. "A relative of hers died."

"And ya'll are out here tryin' to work out how to help her?" Brenda asked. She had meant for it to sound humorous but it came out sharper than she had planned. She shook her head, briefly put a hand on Rusty's shoulder and then turned around, heading directly for Sharon's office.

"What is she doing?" Provenza hissed at Amy. "The Captain is not going to like this!"

"I don't know, Lieutenant," Rusty said softly. "Maybe she will."

Brenda knocked just once before opening the door and stepping inside. She hadn't even waited for Sharon to call her in. She saw the Captain standing by the window, back turned towards the door.

Sharon was talking on the phone, the device pressed tightly against her ear. "I just can't believe it."

"Neither can I. I just saw her this morning! We had breakfast together. She went to her study and..." Emily's voice was brittle. Sharon could hear the tears in her words.

She wished she could be there with Emily. Hold her hand, kiss her tears away. But she wasn't there and Emily and Ricky had to deal with this on their own and it felt wrong. Every cell in her body screamed that she needed to be there. She had never felt like more of a failure as a mother than she did right now.

"Sharon?"

Sharon turned around at the sound of Brenda's voice, still clutching the phone. "Brenda? What are you doing here?"

"I came to bring you your glasses and Provenza told me what happened."

Sharon wasn't wearing her glasses and Brenda took in the sight of her puffy red eyes. She'd been crying. It felt strangely intimate to see Sharon like this and Brenda was aware that it was something Sharon most likely wasn't comfortable sharing.

"Thank you," Sharon said. Her voice was hoarse. She focused her attention back on the phone. "Emily, honey, are you sure you and Ricky are ok?"

Emily promised her that they were and Sharon heaved a sigh. "I'll call you later. I love you." Ending the call hurt. She dropped the phone on the narrow window ledge and ran her hand across her face.

Brenda slowly walked across the length of the office and joined Sharon by the window. She was careful not to intrude on the older woman's personal space and she glanced out at the world outside. It had been a long time since she had admired this particular view. Not much had changed.

"Are you OK?" she asked without looking at Sharon. It was a ridiculous question because she could obviously see that Sharon was not ok but she didn't know what else to say.

She reached inside the pocket of her jacket and pulled out the small case. Silently she handed it to Sharon and the Captain opened it to find her glasses inside. She picked them up and slowly put them on. For a moment she just stood with her eyes closed but then she opened them and looked around.

The tears came without warning.

Brenda watched helplessly as Sharon cried. She didn't know what to do, what to say. Was there even anything she could do? Was she supposed to tell Sharon that it was going to be OK? Instead of saying something, Brenda just stared as more tears continued to fall. She didn't know who had died or what their relation to Sharon was but she guessed it was probably not the best time to ask either. Sharon hated herself in that moment. She didn't want Brenda to see her cry. She didn't want anyone to see her like this. She felt angry and frustrated but the tears just came and there was nothing she could do to stop them.

Brenda panicked. This was not what she had expected. There had to be something she could do.

"Sharon? Sharon, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

Forgetting about personal space, Brenda stepped forward and placed both hands on Sharon's shoulders, forcing the brunette to ground herself. "Sharon, look at me." There was a softness to her voice that didn't often appear. "Please look at me."

She had to fix this somehow. "Sharon, listen to me," She softly squeezed Sharon's shoulders. It wasn't an intrusive touch, just enough to remind the Captain that she was still there. "What can I do? Tell me what YOU need me to do for you."

Sharon didn't answer and Brenda looked around. She stepped away from the Captain and walked over to the desk, grabbed Sharon's chair and wheeled it across to the window. She gently pushed Sharon down into the chair, letting her hand rest on her knee for just a moment, before standing up and heading for the door.

Brenda stepped out into the Murder Room. She looked at Andy, who in turn looked up at her in surprise. "Lieutenant, would you please go to the break room and get the Captain some tea." Her gaze drifted to Julio and then to the Murder Board. "Where are you on this case?"

"We just received some security footage," he answered, a bemused smirk on his face.

Brenda nodded. "I want each and every one of you to carry on as normal." From the corner of her eye she watched Andy leave the Murder Room and she focused on Rusty instead. "You should go home, Rusty."

He nodded but didn't move.

Brenda stepped back into the office and just as she shut the door she overheard Provenza say, "She does realise she doesn't work here anymore, right?"

She pulled a couple of tissues from the box Sharon kept on her desk and handed them to the brunette. Sharon gratefully accepted them and wiped at her eyes. Her mascara had left dark tracks across her cheeks and she did her best to wipe some of them away. She looked down at the now stained tissue in her hand. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet," Brenda smiled. "I haven't actually done anythin'."

They sat in an awkward silence. Brenda could tell Sharon was embarrassed about being seen like this and she didn't want to make Sharon more uncomfortable by asking questions. So she just leaned against the desk and said nothing.

A soft knock on the door was followed by Rusty poking his head around. He held a mug in his hand and stepped into the office once he realised Sharon was no longer crying. He seemed almost timid as he walked over to his mother and gave her the tea. She reached out and held his hand, smiling as she looked up at him.

"Thank you."

He just nodded and then looked at Brenda. "I think you should take her home," He glanced over his shoulder at the door. "Lieutenant Provenza said they can handle it." He then looked at Sharon, prepared for her objections but none came.

Brenda nodded. "I'll take you both home." Brown eyes focused on Sharon. "This is not a place you need to be right now."

Sharon drank her tea with small sips, her hands cherishing the heat from the mug. When she had finished she stood up and ran her hands along her suit. It was creased but she didn't care anymore. Instead she looked at Rusty and he looked back at her. Brenda started for the door but when she looked back, Sharon had not yet moved.

Rusty walked up to her, slowly. He didn't recognise the look in his mother's eyes. She looked lost, as if she didn't know where to go or what to do and it scared him. When her eyes met his he wasn't sure she actually saw him.

Rusty closed the distance between them in just two small steps and threw his arms around his mother. For a moment Sharon appeared to freeze but then her arms wrapped around Rusty and she relaxed into his embrace. He held her close and she allowed him to be her comfort.

Brenda watched from the office doorway for a moment before averting her eyes. She couldn't help the longing to be the one who held Sharon but she was also very much aware that this was neither the time nor the place to allow herself such thoughts.

Rusty let go of Sharon once he felt confident she was ready to leave. He looked around for her purse and together they met Brenda at the door and walked out of the office.

*

Rusty held the door for his mother when they arrived back at the condo. Sharon stepped into the hallway and took off her shoes. She then quietly announced she was going to take a shower and Rusty and Brenda watched as she disappeared down the corridor.

"Is she going to be OK?" Rusty wondered, looking up at Brenda.

The blonde sighed. "Eventually." She put a hand on the kid's shoulders. "Come on."

They walked into the kitchen and Rusty poured them both a glass of water from the fridge. When he handed the glass to Brenda, he saw the way she watched him. "What?" He wanted to know.

"Who was it?"

"Who was what?"

"Rusty, who was it that died?" Brenda had hoped not to have to ask the question so bluntly. "Lieutenant Flynn just said it was a relative." She swallowed. "It's not Sharon's mother, is it?"

Rusty shook his head. "It's Anne."

Brenda frowned. "Anne?"

"Jack's mother."

"Jack Raydor," Brenda then said and Rusty nodded.

Brenda had heard about him during her career at the LAPD. "Oh, Lieutenant Flynn's mentioned him a few times." The hint of a smile danced across her face. "Never a dull moment when he was around, or so I've been told. Apparently he…" She didn't finish that sentence when she saw Rusty's face, sensing that the way she talked about Jack wasn't the way Rusty felt about him.

She clumsily tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "So, Anne is Sharon's mother in law."

Rusty nodded. "And Sharon is..." He paused as he realised his mistake and looked down at the floor. He remembered what Sharon had told him only a couple of days ago. "... _was_ really close to her."

Brenda didn't ask how it was that Sharon felt so strongly about her mother-in-law. She had never been particularly close to Fritz's parents, certainly not in the way that he had been to hers. And Fritz had been incredibly sad when Willie Rae died but what she had seen of Sharon today wasn't what she had expected. Seeing Sharon Raydor so vulnerable had shocked her.

She wiped her hands along her skirt. "OK," she said. "I'll leave you and Sharon to do whatever it is that you need…"

"No!" Rusty panicked and shook his head. "Brenda, no. You can't leave. Sharon's upset and I don't know what to do."

"Surely you've seen her upset before?" Brenda questioned. She studied the young man in front of her.

"But this is Sharon," Rusty emphasized. "I don't know how to…" He swallowed and Brenda realised suddenly that he looked uncertain. "I'm not very good with… crying."

She put a hand on his arm and squeezed. "It's OK. I'll stay a little while longer. Now, do you have anythin' in that fridge I could use to make some dinner?"

Across the condo Sharon had closed the door to her bedroom behind her and with a heavy heart walked towards her bathroom. She peeled her clothes away from her body and left them on the floor by the door. She walked past the mirror without looking at herself and switched on the shower. She shivered as the cold air kissed her body and waited for the water to warm up before stepping under the flow. Her eyes instantly fell shut and she let out a deep sigh.

She lost track of time standing under the comforting warm flow and when she finally stepped out of the shower, the skin on her fingers was wrinkly. Sharon wrapped herself up in a fluffy towel and padded back into the bedroom. She got dressed and brushed her hair back, leaving it falling down her shoulders. She then put on her glasses, relieved to have her proper pair back, and picked up her phone.

She dialed Emily's number as she sank down on the bed and her daughter answered after just the first ring.

"Hi honey," Sharon said when she heard her daughter's voice.

"Mom." Emily's voice was filled with relief.

"How are you holding up? And Ricky? How is he doing?" She suddenly remembered Ricky telling her Jack was there too. She could only imagine what he was like this moment in time. Jack's way of dealing with stress and pressure was drinking. "And your father? Is he coping?"

"He's keeping it together," Emily answered. "Just." There was a pause followed by a deep sigh. "And Ricky is just…. He's sad. He won't really talk to me."

Sharon wasn't surprised to hear that. In some ways Ricky was very much like Jack and shutting down, refusing to talk, was one of those ways. "Give him some time, he'll come around eventually," she offered. "How is your grandfather?"

"Devastated. He said he always thought he'd be the first to go."

Sharon couldn't help but smile. "He's been saying that for twenty years." She let her eyes wander around the room and they came to rest on one of the pictures on the dresser. Emily and Ricky were still young and they sat on beach chairs. Anne and George stood behind them, both wearing sunhats and smiling. It was one of the few days they'd all spent at the beach together. It was hard to imagine that those days were really gone now.

"I wish I could be there with you right now," Sharon said. She rubbed her forehead. A familiar pain was building behind her eyes and a shiver crept down her spine. "I'm going to try and get a flight first thing tomorrow morning but I'm due in court on Thursday afternoon and I don't know if…"

"I know, Mom," Emily interrupted her. "I know."

They ended the call just moments later and Sharon scrolled through her contacts before finding Andrea Hobbs's number. She brought the phone back to her ear and sighed in frustration. She wanted, needed, to be with h children and once again her job would keep her from seeing them, from being there when they needed her the most.

"Sharon? What can I do for you?" Andrea asked when she answered the phone.

"I need a favour."

"OK. What is it?"

"I need you to delay my court appearance on Thursday. In fact, I need you to get me out of court altogether."

The DDA sounded exasperated. "Sharon, I don't know if I…"

"Andrea, if it wasn't important, I wouldn't ask." There was a hint of despair in Sharon's voice when she interrupted her. "Do you think you can do it?"

"I can ask for a continuance but Judge Wallace is a stickler for timing and he denied our first request." Andrea somehow seemed to sense it was important because her voice was softer when she said, "But I'll see what I can do."

Sharon thanked her and hung up.

She used the internet app on her phone to find the first available number for an airline that flew from Los Angeles to Indianapolis. She swallowed hard as she brought the phone back up to her ear and listened to an automated message explaining the various options to her. She selected the one that would connect her through to a sales rep and her eyes fluttered shut. She had no idea if it was even possible to get a flight for the next morning but she had to try. She had to somehow find a way to be there for her children.

It took her fifteen minutes to arrange a flight but by the time she hung up, she was booked on the 14.26 flight leaving LAX the next afternoon. Sharon typed a quick text message to Emily to let her know that she would be arriving the next day and hit send. She heaved a sigh, a heavy feeling settling in her chest.

Clutching the phone Sharon left the bedroom and could smell food when she walked down the corridor. She found Rusty and Brenda in the kitchen and the two of them looked up when they heard her come in. Brenda stood by the stove and had clearly just opened the oven to take out a dish. She had a tea towel draped over her shoulder and she looked somewhat hot and sweaty. She had taken off her shoes and was barefoot, something Sharon noticed immediately.

"What are you cooking?" she inquired as she leaned against the breakfast bar.

"I had a look through your cupboards," Brenda admitted and she felt her cheeks flush. "It's not exactly how I'd normally make it but I've done what I could to make chicken Parmesan."

"You made chicken Parmesan?" Sharon couldn't hide her surprise and realised too late that her words had come out somewhat harsh.

"Hey, I can cook!" Brenda grinned and pointed at the oven tray. If she took any offence at what Sharon had said, she wasn't showing it, "It may not be perfect but it won't kill you." Brown eyes searched Sharon's face. "How're you feeling?"

"Like someone drove a truck into me. Twice." She looked at the two people in her kitchen. "I've managed to get on a flight tomorrow afternoon. I… I don't know at this stage if I can even stay for the funeral but…I need to get out there. I need to see them. I…"

"You need to know that they're OK," Brenda finished the sentence for her and Sharon looked up at her.

"Yes," she answered softly. "I suppose that's it."

"Do you need me to take you to the airport?" Rusty asked as he picked up a tea towel to protect his hands before reaching for the oven dish.

Sharon smiled in appreciation. "Thank you."

Rusty carried the tray with chicken Parmesan to the table and returned to the kitchen to pick up the salad bowl. He then poured three glasses of water and slipped into his usual seat at the table. Brenda hesitated for a moment and waited for Sharon to move first. Only when the older woman sat down did Brenda pull out her own chair.

They filled their plates in silence and for a little while, nobody spoke. The silence grew more uncomfortable as the minutes ticked by and the only sound came from their knives and forks against their plates. Brenda desperately tried to think of something to say but eventually it was Rusty who looked up from his food and started to speak.

"This is really good!"

"You should take that as a very big compliment," Sharon added. "Coming from someone who normally only eats hamburgers."

"Why thank you, Rusty," Brenda smiled.

They finished the remainder of dinner talking about some things Rusty had been doing in class the previous week though the conversation consisted mainly of Brenda and Rusty talking and Sharon listening. Brenda watched from the corner of her eye as Sharon leaned back in her chair, her eyes having glazed over. Her mind was miles away. Brenda suspected it was in Indianapolis somewhere. Sharon only looked up when Brenda stood to clear the plates.

"Oh Brenda, don't," she said and she looked at Rusty. He nodded and stood up.

Brenda looked from Sharon to Rusty and back. "Are you sure? I don't mind."

Rusty took over and carried the plates into the kitchen, rinsing them off under the tap before placing them in the dishwasher. Brenda and Sharon watched him and it was then that Brenda remembered there was something else she had meant to give Sharon besides her glasses. She stood up, picked her purse up from the floor and rummaged through it. When she looked back up she was holding a yellow tube in her hand and showed it to Sharon.

"I know it's been a while since the accident and I meant to give this to you sooner, but I thought it might help speed up the healin' you know, with the bruising on your face," she said as she gave the tube to Sharon. "Mama used it on Clay junior whenever he fell out of a tree, which was basically every week."

"Thank you," Sharon said softly as she accepted the tube. "Thank you, Brenda."

Her phone vibrated and she glanced down at the screen. The text message was from Andrea. She opened it and smiled in relief when she read that Judge Wallace had granted her a continuance and she wasn't due in court till two o'clock Thursday afternoon. She might not be able to stay for the funeral, but at least Sharon would get to see her children. She typed a message of thanks and hit send.

They made their way into the living room and it was Rusty's idea to watch a movie and Sharon let him choose. He settled for a fairly mindless movie and pulled his legs up underneath himself. Sharon sat next to him, clutching a cushion to her chest. Brenda had chosen the armchair and her eyes drifted from the TV to Sharon and back. The desire to somehow be able to wrap an arm around Sharon and invite her to rest her head against her shoulder was strong. Brenda hated herself for her selfish thoughts in this moment where Sharon was so emotionally raw.

She watched as the brunette curled her legs up underneath herself and draped her arm across the arm rest. She looked almost fragile in the light of the living room and Brenda was struck by just how little Sharon had changed. In the orange glow of the lamp she looked younger than her years and although Sharon's face was bruised, Brenda believed her to be more beautiful than ever.

Sharon didn't see much of the movie and she probably should have said more than ten words to Brenda since dinner but she craved the company none the less. Across the country her other two children were facing their grief without her and all she had, all she wanted, was to have people close to her right now because she didn't want to be alone.

Once the movie had finished Rusty announced that he was going to his room to play on his computer. He kissed Sharon on her cheek and smiled at Brenda as he walked past her. Moments later they heard his bedroom door open. Sharon heaved a sigh and let her head fall back.

"I should probably let you have some time to yourself," Brenda said and went to stand up. "Call me if you need anythin'."

Sharon stood too and followed Brenda to the door. She saw the tube of cream she'd left on the dining table earlier and a lump settled in the back of her throat.

"Brenda?"

The blonde turned around before she had reached the door. Something in Sharon's voice alarmed her. "Yes?"

"Could you…" Sharon swallowed hard. "I was wondering if you could…" Green eyes unexpectedly glistened with tears. "Could you maybe stay a little longer?"

Brenda smiled. "Of course."

Sharon went to pick up the cream and stared down at the tube in her hand. She looked over her shoulder to find Brenda watching her. She showed the blonde the cream. "I could really use your help with something."

"Is everything OK?" Brenda asked, frowning. Sharon wasn't the kind of person who asked for help and Brenda was almost certain that even if she did, Brenda wouldn't be the person Sharon would turn to.

"Rusty doesn't know." Sharon's eyes held Brenda's. There was a fragility to her voice that Brenda had never heard before. "He can't know."

Brenda nodded, not entirely sure what it was that Sharon meant. She glanced from the tube in Sharon's hand back up to the bruises on the Captain's face. They no longer startled her now. She waited for Sharon to say something but she merely looked back at her and Brenda carefully took a step forward, deciding that maybe she had to be the one to step up.

"Do you want me to help you with this?" she asked, pointing at the cream. Sharon nodded and Brenda flashed a smile. It was a really bad attempt to hide her own nerves "Ok. I can do that."

She felt a little clumsy as she said it. What was she supposed to do? Where were they supposed to go?

Brenda looked down the hall towards the door to Sharon's bedroom. Perhaps the living room wouldn't feel safe enough, she decided. Too exposed. Maybe Sharon would feel better in the comfort of her bedroom. She looked back at the brunette, reached to the take the cream from her hand and softly said, "Let's take this to the bedroom and you can show me what it is you need me to do, is that OK?"

Sharon merely nodded.

They made their way down the hall together and Brenda opened the door to Sharon's bedroom. It felt strangely invasive, entering the other woman's most personal space, and she let Sharon file past her to switch on the lamp before stepping inside. Her heart thundered in her chest but Brenda took a quick, deep breath to force herself to calm down. This wasn't about her, she reminded herself. This was about Sharon.

Brenda looked around the room and quickly decided the bed was the best place to sit. The only light came from the small lamp on the nightstand and it wasn't perfect but she didn't need a lot of light to see the bruises. She didn't want to switch on the big light. It would only make Sharon feel more exposed. Sharon had not yet said a word since entering the room but now she turned to look at Brenda.

"I don't know if…"

"It's okay," Brenda promised as she went to sit on the end of the bed. She softly patted the comforter, inviting Sharon to sit next to her.

Sharon made her way over to the bed and sat down. The mattress dipped a little under both their weights and again when Sharon shifted so she could turn her back to Brenda. This only confirmed the blonde's suspicions that there were bruises Sharon hid from everyone else and she carefully reached up to peel down the collar of Sharon's shirt. It revealed the angry looking purple bruise just below her neckline and Brenda let the fabric fall back against Sharon's skin.

"Whenever you're ready," she said, her voice soft and reassuring.

Sharon slowly unbuttoned her shirt and once undone, let the fabric slide down her arms, revealing her back to Brenda. She heard the younger woman gasp softly and her eyes fluttered shut. For the second time in just a week she was allowing someone to see her in a way no one had ever seen her before.

"Rusty doesn't know," Sharon repeated softly. It sounded like she was saying it more to herself than to Brenda. "He thinks there are only bruises on my face."

"I understand," Brenda answered. She couldn't take her eyes off Sharon's back. The purple bruises looked angry against the pale tone of her skin but Brenda's eyes also followed the straps of Sharon's bra against her shoulders, the clasp across her back, the way the delicate lacy fabric seemed to match perfectly with her skin tone. She couldn't help herself.

"Are you ready?" Brenda asked carefully.

Sharon nodded. "Yes."

With her right hand Brenda carefully reached up and collected Sharon's damp hair between her fingers before gently pushing it to the side. Her fingertips grazed over Sharon's shoulder blades and she could smell the faint scent of shower gel on her skin. Sharon shivered slightly at the touch of Brenda's fingers, it was feather light and her skin reacted immediately.

Brenda removed the lid of the tube and carefully squirted a small amount of the white paste into the palm of her hand. She wanted to take these bruises away, wanted to take the pain Sharon was feeling away. Not just the pain caused by her injuries but the pain of loss as well.

Brenda carefully pressed her fingertips against the bruise on Sharon's shoulder and in a soft circular motion began massaging the cream in. She bit down on her lip when she felt the muscles under her fingers respond involuntarily to her touch.

Sharon focused on the soft, steady beating of her heart when she felt Brenda's hand against her back. Brenda's touch was warm and gentle. She felt the pain that lingered deep underneath her skin slowly fade the longer Brenda touched her. The feeling of another person's hands against her body was comforting.

For the first time in weeks Sharon felt like she didn't have to be the one in charge. She could allow herself to take a step back and let go. She let out a sigh of relief when she felt Brenda's fingers press a little firmer against a spot on her shoulder. The warmth coursed through her body and eased off some of the tension that had built up inside of her. This was the first time someone had touched her in a long time and the sensation, along with the notion that she was not expected to reciprocate, was something she didn't know she'd craved until now.

Brenda continued to softly rub the cream into Sharon's back. She circled her fingers over the bruises, drawing meaningless shapes across the brunette's skin. She pressed against the tense muscles in Sharon's shoulders and lower back, paying particular attention to the big bruise just below Sharon's neck because it still looked so angry.

When she had finished Brenda carefully stood up and went to sit in front of Sharon. As she sat down, the brunette's eyes snapped open and Brenda was taken aback by how bright they were, even in the dim glow of the bedside light. They looked at each other for a moment and it was as if Sharon silently gave Brenda permission to continue. It was only then that Brenda noticed the tears on Sharon's cheeks. The older woman was silently crying and she seemed embarrassed and a little uncomfortable Brenda had seen the tears.

Brenda carefully reached for the glasses on Sharon's face, removing them gently and placing them on the bed. Their gazes locked as she ghosted her thumb over Sharon's cheek and softly wiped away the tears. Sharon's eyes fluttered shut again just as Brenda slid her fingers under Sharon's chin and encouraged her to tilt her head. For just a moment Brenda thought Sharon might still ask her to stop but then the older woman nodded slightly and Brenda carefully began applying the cream to the bruises across Sharon's face.

It had felt intimate to touch Sharon's back but right now, Brenda felt as if she couldn't breathe. She was so close, too close, and all she could see was the green of Sharon's eyes. Her stomach tightened and the strong desire to kiss Sharon overwhelmed her. Her gaze dropped down to Sharon's lips for just a fleeting second and she knew she had to stop this right now.

Brenda jerked back after finishing with the cream, wiped her hands along her jeans and stood up, putting as much distance between herself and Sharon as she could. How could she have let herself get so caught up in this?

"That should do it," she stammered, her eyes already on the door. She couldn't bear looking at the bruised woman, wearing just her bra and her pants, sitting on the bed because all she wanted was to hold Sharon. "I should go. I'll let myself out. Goodnight, Sharon."

Sharon looked up and went to ask Brenda to wait but she found the bedroom already empty, the door still open. Sharon heaved a sigh and clutched the fabric a little tighter against her chest. Suddenly she felt cold. What had just happened? Why had Brenda left?

She covered her face with her hands, carefully rubbing her temples. The dull ache behind her eyes slowly changed into a throbbing, torturous pain.

Brenda rushed from Sharon's bedroom and after stopping in the living room to pick up her shoes and her purse made her way to the condo's front door. She yanked it open and stepped outside. The door closed with a soft click behind her and then she was gone.

"Brenda?"

Rusty emerged from the kitchen, glass of milk in hand, as he heard the door close. He found the living room empty and frowned to himself as he made his way back to his room. He'd seen the blonde woman walk into the living room to pick up her purse but she hadn't said goodbye.

Rusty glanced down the hallway in the direction of Sharon's room and noticed the bedroom door was still open. He started down the hall and knocked softly against the door before pushing it open further. He found his mother sitting on the end of the bed, buttoning up her shirt. He caught a glimpse of a dark purple bruise just as she slipped her shirt back over her shoulder.

Rusty hesitated for a moment, unsure about what to do or say. Why had Brenda rushed from his mother's room and why was Sharon getting dressed? He swallowed. He couldn't turn around and walk away now. He had to know that she was alright.

"Mom?"

Sharon wiped at her eyes as she looked up but it was too late. Rusty had already seen. She went to stand up but he was at her side before she could even try, his arm around her shoulder. When he kissed her hair, her last restraints broke and the tears began to fall.

In the shelter of her bedroom she felt as if she could finally let go. She could finally allow herself to feel the grief, the loss and the frustration of not being able to be with her family when they needed her the most. She was angry at herself, resented herself for breaking down in front of Rusty, for having let her guard down in front of Brenda, and the tears were as much a display of anger as they were grief.

"You're going tomorrow," Rusty reminded her. "You're going to be with them tomorrow."

"I should have been with them today," Sharon sobbed. The tears had robbed her of her voice.

"You're trying," Rusty said softly. His fingers were in his mother's hair, stroking it gently. "You have done what you can to be there. That's what good mothers do."

"I never told her…I never told her that we were planning to come for Christmas. Why…. I wish I'd called her yesterday."

Rusty couldn't find the words that would soothe Sharon's grief. He knew it was something she would have to go through in her own pace and all he could do right now was be there for her the way she had always been there for him.

He held tight to his mother until he felt her go slack against him and he realized he was now supporting all of her weight. Rusty helped Sharon to stand and maneuvered her to the side of the bed, pulled back the covers and helped her to lie down. Sharon didn't stop to take off her clothes but curled up on her side, shoulders still jerking, as Rusty covered her with the sheets and leaned across to the nightstand to switch off the light. He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. Sometimes words were simply not needed. Sharon felt him as he lay down beside her and she knew Rusty would be there all night. Watching her.

Sometimes just knowing someone was there was enough.


	13. Chapter 13

Sharon woke the next morning with a pounding headache. The red neon numbers on the alarm clock indicated it was just after six in the morning. She pushed herself up, instantly aware of the weight of another body in the bed, and turned to find Rusty asleep next to her. He was curled onto his side on top of the sheets, still fully dressed in yesterday's clothes. She vaguely recalled him climbing into bed with her last night and watched silently for a few precious moments as he slept. And then it hit her. The images from the previous day came flooding back to her as Sharon realised she too was still dressed in yesterday's clothing.

Anne was dead.

Sharon let out a deep sigh and ran her hands through her tangled hair. Her mouth tasted like sand paper and she felt dirty and unfocused. Careful not to wake Rusty she slipped out from under the sheets and padded across her bedroom to the bathroom. She closed the door and switched on the light. When she saw her reflection in the mirror, Sharon flinched. Aside from the bruises there were now deep, dark circles around her eyes. She looked pale, like she hadn't seen sunlight for weeks and the pounding in her head only increased now that she stood in the brightly lit bathroom.

She began unbuttoning her shirt and paused when she remembered doing the exact same thing last night with Brenda. Sharon looked down as she undid the last two buttons and let the shirt slide down her shoulders. She could remember the feeling of Brenda's hands against her back, how warm her touch had been, and right in that moment she longed for that warmth again, however she pushed the feeling to the back of her mind and peeled off the remainder of her clothing before reaching up to turn on the shower.

Sharon washed her hair and applied a generous amount of conditioner. The soothing flow seemed to help ease off the headache but the throbbing continued to linger behind her eyes, even when she tilted her head back and let water rain down on her face.

Sharon stayed in the shower as long as she could and when she eventually switched off the water and wrapped herself up in a towel, she could hear Rusty's voice on the other side of the bedroom door.

"I'm up!" he called. "Just going to grab a shower."

She waited a few moments longer before opening the door. The bedroom was empty. Sharon saw that Rusty had made the bed and she smiled to herself. She had expected it would be like this. They weren't going to talk about what happened last night. It was just like the nightmares. Rusty would be there for her in the middle of the night but by morning the roles would reverse again and neither of them would speak of it

Sharon selected a pair of black slacks, blazer and blue shirt from her wardrobe and got dressed. She made her way back into the bathroom and applied a minimal amount of make-up, making no attempt to cover the bruising. Just a little mascara, some eyeliner and a hint of lipstick. She put on her glasses and then plugged in her hairdryer. For the first time since the fall she managed to hold it long enough to dry most of her hair. When she put it down her shoulders hurt and the pain in her head had increased considerably, but she pushed it aside and made her way back into the bedroom in search of her cell phone. Picking it up from the nightstand, she found a text from Andy. It had been sent just before midnight and it was only a couple of lines long.

_Hope you're doing OK. Call me if you need anything._

Sharon read the message before slipping the phone in her pocket promising herself she would reply as soon as she got something to eat.

In the kitchen she opened the cupboard where the painkillers were kept and took two Tylenol, poured herself a glass of water and swallowed the pills in one large gulp.

Sharon had just finished making some tea when Rusty appeared, his hair still wet. He took one look at her before remarking, "You look awful."

"Thank you for that kind observation," Sharon retorted. "It's just a headache."

Rusty took in his mother's choice of clothing. "Are you going to work?"

"I have some things I need to finish up before my flight this afternoon," Sharon explained as she poured the tea into her favourite cup. "I should be finished before lunchtime. Can you pick me up from Parker Centre?"

"Sure," Rusty nodded. "Have you packed yet?"

Sharon took a sip of her tea. The warm liquid soothed her tired body. "I don't need much." She looked at her son. "Are you sure you're going to be alright?"

He gave her a look that said 'what do you think' and then proceeded to get himself some breakfast.

Sharon carried her tea back to her bedroom, put the cup down on the nightstand and found her small travel suitcase in the back of the wardrobe. She selected several items of clothing and folded them neatly into the case. As she straightened up the world around her seemed to sway and she reached out to steady herself on the headboard.

Once she was sure she could move without the world spinning, Sharon got some items from the bathroom and placed them on top of the clothes in her suitcase. She zipped the case up and wheeled it behind her back to the kitchen. There she found Rusty finishing off his breakfast and he turned around.

"Want me to drive you into work?" He asked. "Or is Andy picking you up?"

Realising that she hadn't made any arrangements, Sharon just smiled and Rusty understood. He put his breakfast dishes in the dishwasher., "Ten minutes. I need to brush my teeth."

Forty minutes later Rusty dropped her off outside Parker Centre reassuring her that he would be back to pick her up no later than half past eleven. Sharon knew that he would wait until she had gone inside. When she turned to look over her shoulder, she watched his car drive off.

The lobby was brightly lit and Sharon felt overwhelmed as she approached the elevator. She pressed the button and stepping into the small space felt like a relief. The lights were dimmed and there was no noise. She sighed as the doors closed and leaned against the wall. The stabbing pain behind her eyes only intensified.

The doors slid open moments later and revealed the brightly lit corridor. She stared down at the floor in an attempt to shield her eyes from the light as she made her way towards the Murder Room. Provenza's voice was the first thing she heard as she rounded the corner and found her entire division standing by the whiteboard.

"Captain!" Amy exclaimed in surprise and everyone else looked up. "We weren't expecting you today."

Sharon smiled. It was a forced smile. "There are just a few things I need to wrap up." She singled out Provenza. "Lieutenant, my office, please?"

Provenza followed The Captain into her office and Sharon closed the door behind them. He watched as she circled around her desk and sat down heavily in her chair.

"Should you really be here?" Provenza questioned.

"I'm flying out to Indianapolis this afternoon," Sharon explained. "I'll be back on Thursday before court." She looked at him. "I trust I can leave things in your capable hands?"

Provenza gave what almost looked like a bow. "Of course." But then his face changed and his voice became serious. "Sharon, everyone here is so sorry for your loss. They'd want you to know that. I want you to know that."

Sharon nodded. "Thank you, Lieutenant."

"Is there anything else I can do?"

"Not right now but that may change."

"Anytime," Provenza said and stepped out of her office, closing the door behind him.

Sharon cradled her head in her hands. The pain was now blinding and she craved nothing more than the silence of a dark room. She looked back up when there was a knock on the door and Andy came in.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi."

Andy walked around the desk and put a hand on Sharon's shoulder. He leaned in and softly kissed her on the cheek. "Are you OK?" He let a strand of hair run gently through his fingers.

"Just a headache." She looked up at Andy as she scooted closer. She rested her head against him as his fingers continued to run through her hair. "I'm catching a flight to Indianapolis this afternoon. I meant to call you but I guess I just..."

"Ssssh," Andy interrupted her. "You don't have to say anything." He searched Sharon's face, concern etched across his own. Sharon's eyes had fallen shut as she tried to relax into his touch in hope it would ease the pain. "Are you sure you should fly?"

"I'll be fine," she protested. "I'll sleep on the plane."

They sat in silence for a few moments before Sharon stood up. She saw the flashing lights dance in front of her eyes as she rose and she knew what it meant. She didn't get migraines like this often, maybe two or three times a year, but they would always hit hard and the flashing lights were a warning; it meant that the worst pain was still to come and she didn't have long before it would hit.

She opened the door and stepped into the Murder Room. The sounds of phones ringing, lights and voices attacked her senses and Sharon felt her stomach drop and then turn. In the back of her throat she could taste the bile and she shot one helpless look around the Murder Room before turning on her heel and hurrying down the hall towards the ladies room.

Sharon's knees buckled just as she reached the porcelain bowl and she managed to pull her hair from her face just in time as she retched and emptied the contents of her stomach. Her eyes watered and she groaned. Her head felt like it was about to rip open and Sharon whimpered when the heaving and retching finally began to wear off.

There was a soft knock on the stall door. "Captain?" It was Amy. She knocked again before carefully pushing against the door, opening it slightly. "Captain, are you alright?"

Amy saw the brunette kneeling beside the toilet, eyes full of tears and skin pale. Beads of sweat glistened on Sharon's forehead. The younger woman stepped into the stall, flushed and then reached to take the Captain's hand. Sharon accepted and Amy helped her onto her feet before gently supporting her out to the sink.

Sharon ran the cold tap and splashed water on her face and neck before washing her hands. She felt Amy's eyes on her but could not bring herself to meet her gaze. It wasn't until Sharon turned to take the paper towel Amy was offering her that she could bring herself to look at the young woman.

"You're having a migraine, aren't you?" Amy asked. Sharon could only nod.

"OK. Should I go and get Lieutenant Flynn?" Amy wondered aloud as she reached out an arm to steady her Captain. Concerned dark eyes rested on Sharon. "Are you going to be alright?"

"Yes," Sharon sighed. She still felt nauseous. "I'll be fine. Thank you, Amy."

Amy started for the door but turned around before exiting. "Captain?" Sharon looked up and Amy's eyes connected with Sharon's. "I'm so sorry for your loss."

She left the ladies' room and Sharon found herself alone.

Andy walked in moments later and Sharon suspected he'd been standing outside the door, waiting for Amy to tell him he could go in. He wrapped an arm around Sharon's shoulders when he reached her and pulled her a little closer. She eagerly leaned in to him, keen to take some of the weight of her own legs.

"You're sick," Andy whispered. "Sharon, you can't fly like this. You can barely stand."

"But I have to... Ricky and Emily..." Sharon stumbled over her words. "I need..."

"What you need is sleep, Sharon. And what Ricky and Emily need is for their mother to be well. You don't want to be with them when you feel like this because you won't be able to give them what they need," Andy soothed.

"No," Sharon protested. She steadied herself on the sink. "I have to go."

"It's too much," Andy interjected. "Everything that's happened the last few days... It's too much, Sharon. Your body is telling you that it can't take anymore. Jack's there with them, isn't he? Then they're going to be fine. Besides, it's his mother, not yours." He gently tried to manoeuvre Sharon towards the door, his hand on her elbow. "Come, I'll take you home."

Sharon wanted to object. She wanted to tell him that she was going to go to the airport and that she would hold her children in her arms by the end of the day, that she was going to pay her respects to the woman who had helped shape her life but when she took two steps towards the door, her stomach turned again and she stumbled as she turned towards the sink and threw up again. Andy was at her side, gently pulling back her hair with one hand as the other stroked her back. Tears glistened in Sharon's eyes when she looked back up.

"Ok," she whispered. "Ok."

Andy kissed her on her cheek and stroked the side of her face. "Let's go."

Rusty collected the mail from the mailbox in the lobby of the apartment complex when he came back after dropping his mother at work. He used the small key, opened the metal box and reached inside to take out four envelopes, a couple of leaflets that looked like trash and a flyer for a new gym that had opened two blocks away.

He flipped through the envelopes as he rode the elevator up to the condo and was surprised to find that the bottom one was addressed to him, not to Sharon. Hardly anything was ever addressed to him and an unnerving feeling settled in his chest as he turned the envelope over to look for a return address but found nothing.

Once inside the condo he left the rest of the mail by the door and brought the letter into the living room. He carefully tore it open and found a neatly folded piece of paper inside. His heart thundered in his chest as he unfolded it, half expecting to find a note written in pencil that described some kind of threat against his life but instead he saw handwriting he didn't recognise. It covered both sides of the paper and he curiously began to read.

Andy used Sharon's key to let them into the condo and Rusty came walking into the hall when he heard them. When he saw his mother his eyes widened and he turned to Andy in shock.

"What happened?"

"She has a migraine," he explained. "She really should be in bed."

"But what about her flight?"

"She won't be making that flight, kid."

Sharon started down the hallway towards her bedroom. Andy didn't try to follow her but looked at Rusty instead. "Just make sure she gets some sleep. I'll deal with the rest."

Rusty nodded and let Andy out. "Thanks,"

Andy flashed a smile. "Just look after her."

"I will."

Rusty closed the door and walked down to Sharon's bedroom. The door was still open and he carefully stepped inside. He found his mother curled up on the bed. She had managed to take off her jacket and pants and had climbed into bed, pulling the covers up to her legs. Now only wearing her work shirt, she had her back turned towards Rusty and she didn't move when he crossed the room to draw the curtains. When he walked past the bed, Rusty could tell that Sharon was already asleep.

He went to the kitchen and got a glass of water and some Tylenol and carried them back to Sharon's room. He left them on the bedside table and then exited the bedroom, closing the door behind him. When he walked back into the living room his gaze fell on the letter that he'd left on the coffee table and he picked it up. He'd read it maybe ten times now and still he couldn't quite believe what it said.

Rusty dug his phone out of his pocket and selected one of his recent contacts. Bringing the phone to his ear as moments later a familiar voice answered.

"Rusty? Is everythin' alright?" Brenda asked in surprise.

Rusty looked down at the letter in his hand. His head was spinning. "That depends on your definition of "all right"."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I received this letter..."

"What kind of letter? Like the ones you used to get?" Brenda wanted to know. She sounded alarmed.

"You know about those?" Rusty accused.

"Everyone knows about those. Is it one like that?"

He sighed and leaned back into the cushions on the couch. "No, it's not like that, but it's still strange." He heard something in the background that sounded like an order being called through and he suspected Brenda was in a coffee shop.

"Strange? What do you mean, strange?"

Rusty glanced over his shoulder in the direction of Sharon's bedroom. It felt wrong discussing this without her knowing. He had promised his mother that he wouldn't keep secrets from her anymore. "I don't really want to talk about it over the phone."

Brenda sensed Rusty's hesitation. "Do you want to meet somewhere?" She didn't want to suggest coming to the condo. Not after what had happened the previous night. "Maybe the coffee place where we met before?"

"I can't leave. Mom's sick. She's having a rough time right now and I don't want to bother her with this so I thought that maybe you could, I don't know, come here? I totally get it if you don't want to but I didn't really know who else to ask because everyone else is just going to tell my mom anyway and you..."

"What, you think I won't tell her?" Brenda questioned, unable to stop herself from chuckling briefly. "And did you just say that Sharon's sick? Is she alright?"

"Migraine," Rusty answered. "She's in bed."

"Is there anythin' I can do?"

Rusty sighed and looked around the empty living room. "You can come over and help with this letter." He paused and then added, "I really, really want you to have a look at it, Brenda."

Brenda sighed and Rusty fully expected her to say no but then the former Chief answered, "Alright. I can be there in thirty minutes."

"Thanks," Rusty said. "I'll see you soon then." He ended the call, dropped the phone beside him and studied the letter again. The words written down on the piece of paper still felt surreal.

Twenty-five minutes later he heard a soft knock on the door and got up to answer. He let Brenda into the condo and the blonde looked around. "Where's Sharon?"

"In bed," Rusty answered.

Brenda followed him into the living room and saw the letter on the coffee table. She sat down in one of the chairs, dropping her purse at her feet. She felt uncomfortable. Last night she had rushed out of this place and she hadn't planned on coming back so soon. She glanced at Rusty. He didn't seem to notice and she folded her hands in her lap.

"So," she began. "About this letter..."

Rusty picked it up and handed it to her. Brenda immediately noticed that it was very different from any of the letters he had received years earlier. The letter was written in blue ink and she guessed from the bold, round handwriting that the writer was female. . It was dated a week ago. She looked back up at Rusty.

"Do you still have the envelope?"

He gave it to her. "Aren't you going to read it?"

"I will," Brenda answered as she inspected the envelope. The postmark was from Fresno. She studied it a moment longer and then put it down before looking back at Rusty. "It came today?"

He nodded. Brenda could see the tension on his face and she saw that he was fidgeting. "It was in the mail this morning but I didn't get round to collecting yesterday's so it could have been then."

Brenda pulled her reading glasses out of her purse and put them on before beginning to read.

Rusty nervously watched as her eyes moved over the letter. Seconds ticked by and the silence in the living room was deafening. He shifted in his seat, messed with his t-shirt and chewed the inside of his cheek. He willed Brenda to read faster, to somehow hurry up, but the blonde took her time and when she finally looked up, brown eyes wide behind her black rimmed glasses, she stared at him in surprise.

"You have a sister."

"Or so the letter claims," Rusty commented. "Do you think it's real?"

"Do you?" Brenda retorted.

"I... I don't know," Rusty admitted and ran his hand through his hair. "My mother... She's a... Complicated woman."

Brenda leaned back a little and looked at the young man on the couch. He had changed so much since that night in her kitchen. She realised she knew very little about him, other than the things she had learnt when their paths first crossed. She knew his mother had abandoned him at the zoo. She knew what he had to do to get by on the streets. Her heart broke at the mere thought of it. But she didn't know anything else.

"Did you find her?" she asked softly, remembering how emotional Rusty had become and how desperate he had been to be reunited with his mother. "I know Sharon adopted you but did you find your biological mother?"

"I did," Rusty answered. "It wasn't exactly the fairy-tale experience I wanted it to be but..." He swallowed. He had learnt a lot from dealing with his mother. Sharon Beck had taught him valuable life lessons. "I found her. She isn't really in my life that much right now."

Brenda sensed there was something Rusty wasn't telling her. "Where is she?"

"County Jail."

"Oh."

"It's the best place for her right now," Rusty answered.

Brenda watched the way Rusty's eyes changed, like he was remembering something from a long time ago. "Do you think it's possible you could have a sister she didn't tell you about?" she carefully asked. It felt intrusive somehow, to talk about this. She and Rusty barely knew each other even though their paths had crossed at a crucial point in both their lives. The fact that he had asked for her help still surprised her. "She writes that she lives with your grandparents. Did you ever meet them?"

Rusty shook his head. "She moved to LA a year before I was born. I don't know who she lived with. An aunt maybe. She told me once but I can't remember. She met my biological father in High School." He fell silent at the mention of Daniel Dunn and heaved a sigh. "She dropped out when she got pregnant with me and never really talked about her family. I guess with her background, it's not that surprising."

"She says that your mom would visit sometimes but then she stopped," Brenda said. She still held the letter in her hand. The girl who claimed to be Rusty's sister had opened up about the life she had lived with her grandparents and Brenda got a sense that her life had been good; a sharp contrast to the way Rusty had grown up. She wondered why the girl was reaching out now and what she was hoping to achieve. Was she just trying to let Rusty know he had a sister? Was she somehow trying to get in touch with her mother?

"Her name is Sophie," Rusty said. "The girl who wrote the letter. My sister, or whatever. Her name is Sophie."

Brenda nodded. "I know. I just wasn't sure if you wanted me to call her by her name." She put the letter down and moved to the edge of her seat. "Rusty, what do you want me to do about this? Do you want me to tell Sharon?"

"No," he quickly said. "Not yet." He seemed a little bewildered, as if he hadn't given it too much thought as to what it was that he wanted Brenda to do. "Do you think... Is there any way you could find out if it's for real?"

"She's written her address, email and phone number in the letter. Do you want me to call her?"

Rusty couldn't make eye contact and stared down into his lap instead. "Would you?"

"Only if you want me to."

"But I don't want Sharon to think that I'm like trying to find my family behind her back... Because that's not what I'm doing. It's just..." He struggled to find the right words. "She sounds nice. Everyone who is somehow genetically related to me turned out to be, I don't know, the exact opposite of nice.

The choice of words was harsh, Brenda realised, but when she saw the look in Rusty's eyes she understood what he meant. She tried to think of something to say but words failed her. Instead her cell phone rang and after rummaging through her bag for a few seconds, she found it and answered after seeing the caller was Gavin.

She shot an apologetic glance at Rusty before saying, "Hey, can we keep this quick? I'm in the middle of somethin'."

"Okay, just to let you know that I got word from Fritz's lawyer and he has signed the papers. You'll have to come in tomorrow morning to finish off the rest of the paperwork in front of a judge and then you're a free woman."

"Will Fritz be there?" Brenda asked. She hadn't seen him in months.

"You two will probably cross paths, yes."

"What time?"

"Ten thirty. Don't be late."

Gavin ended the call and Brenda let the phone fall back in her purse. She saw Rusty was looking at her.

"Is everything ok?" he asked before she had a chance to say anything.

Brenda realised she had to tell him about the divorce. Rusty had come to her about the letter from his alleged sister. He trusted her for some reason. And she had been spending time with him and Sharon recently and she felt she owed it to them to show the same trust in return. So she sighed and said, "Fritz and I are gettin' divorced. That was my lawyer confirmin' our appointment with the judge tomorrow to sign the final papers."

Rusty's face fell. Clearly he had not expected that answer. "Oh. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. It had been a long time comin'. I'll just be glad for it to be over."

"Does Sharon know?"

Brenda shook her head. Although Rusty hadn't asked why she was getting divorced, she knew Sharon would. And she wasn't ready for that question. Or maybe she just wasn't ready to hear that question come from Sharon's mouth. "It hasn't come up yet. And your mom has other things on her mind right now so maybe it's best we don't bother her with this right at this minute."

A loud 'crash' followed by a groan cut through the silence in the condo and Rusty leapt to his feet. Brenda was even quicker and she was already halfway down the hall by the time Rusty caught up with her. She turned to look at him, feeling a sense of responsibility. "Let me do this. You've done enough already, honey."

Rusty reluctantly fell back but didn't leave. He watched as Brenda softly knocked on Sharon's bedroom door before opening it.

The first thing Brenda saw was the broken glass on the floor next to the bed and the soaking wet carpet. She then noticed the bed was empty and the door to the bathroom open.

"Sharon?" Brenda called. "Sharon, are you alright?"

She was answered by the sound of vomiting and a shiver crept down Brenda's spine. She'd spent countless hours in a morgue watching human bodies being cut open but she had never been good with vomit. Suppressing her own gag reflex, Brenda approached the bathroom and saw Sharon slumped over the toilet. Strands of brown hair obscured her face.

"Oh honey," Brenda sighed as she entered the bathroom. She put a hand on the small of Sharon's back and sat down beside her. Sharon slowly lifted up her head and Brenda looked into bloodshot green eyes. She reached out and touched Sharon's cheek. Her skin felt clammy.

"Why are you here?" Sharon managed to ask. Her voice was hoarse.

"Doesn't matter," Brenda answered. She searched Sharon's face, concern flickering in her eyes. "Can you stand?"

Brenda helped Sharon to her feet and wrapped an arm around the older woman's waist. Gently she guided Sharon towards the sink so she could rinse out her mouth and then, careful to avoid the broken glass, back to bed. Her arm only slipped away when Sharon sat down. Brenda's gaze dropped to Sharon's bare legs and she couldn't help but take in the gorgeous sight. She had always admired Sharon's legs; they seemed to go on forever. Slowly her eyes trailed up from Sharon's toes along her calves and eventually her thighs. Brenda only stopped staring when she reached the hem of the shirt Sharon was wearing.

"Do you want to get changed?" Brenda carefully asked. The shirt Sharon was wearing looked like something the brunette would've put on for work.

Brenda made an educated guess as she turned to the set of drawers against the wall and opened the second one. Her time as a police officer had taught her that the top drawer was usually the one with underwear and socks. Realising that she had guessed right, Brenda pulled a nightie from the drawer and turned back to Sharon.

"Do you want me to help you?"

Sharon only nodded and Brenda carefully began unbuttoning Sharon's shirt. She felt her fingers tremble as one by one the buttons popped and the shirt began to fall away from Sharon's body, revealing the white lacy bra she wore underneath. Brenda tried not to look but she couldn't help it. Her gaze drifted over Sharon's chest, over the bra and the hint of freckles across her skin, and she felt her cheeks flush pink.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"It's fine," Brenda reassured her. She bent down and picked up the broken pieces of glass. "I'll go and get you some more water. You should probably take a couple of these." She pointed at the Tylenol Rusty had left on Sharon's bedside table. "Get into bed and I'll be right back."

She left the bedroom and found Rusty leaning against the wall outside. Worried eyes looked up when he saw Brenda. "Is she OK?"

"She threw up," Brenda answered. "She probably just needs to sleep for a few more hours. She's been through a lot the last few days. I think it's catchin' up with her."

Rusty followed her to the kitchen and Brenda threw the broken glass in the trash. She fetched another glass from the cupboard, filled it with water and then gave it to Rusty. She sensed he was worried and she wanted to put his mind at ease. "She's fine," she said with a smile. "But why don't you go see for yourself?"

She watched him walk away and leaned against the counter, letting out a sigh. Her head was a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. She had spent so much time distancing herself from Sharon over the last few years and now she found herself standing in the woman's kitchen after having helped put her back to bed, having undressed her, having seen her in ways she had never dared to even think about. It had all just happened so fast and Brenda didn't know how to cope with the feelings that now roared inside her stronger than ever.

Rusty came back into the kitchen. "She took some pills and she's asleep again," he said. "She looks awful."

"Once she's slept for a while she'll feel better," Brenda reassured him. She let her eyes wander around the kitchen, noticing the coffee pot still had coffee in it. She'd also noticed the newspaper on the coffee table. It was two days old. She took the coffee pot and poured the contents down the drain before rinsing it out under the tap. "Sharon hasn't really felt like keepin' up, has she?"

Rusty shook his head. "She's like a week behind on laundry and I don't think she's been to the dry cleaners either."

Brenda turned to the young man and arched an eyebrow. "Have you been helpin' her out?"

"I don't really want to mess with laundry in case there's somethin' in there Sharon doesn't want me to see." Rusty looked a little flustered.

"Bras and panties never killed anyone, kid," Brenda smirked. She placed the coffee pot in the dishwasher and saw the machine was full. From the cupboard under the sink, another educated guess, she took a tablet and placed it in the dishwasher, before switching the machine on.

"Go fetch me that laundry," she instructed Rusty after wiping her hands on a tea towel and he disappeared only to return moments later carrying a white laundry basket. It was full of towels, socks and t-shirts. He placed it on the dining table and sheepishly smiled.

"So," Brenda said as she picked up a white fluffy towel and folded it. Brown eyes rested on Rusty as he joined her and folded another towel. "How long have you and Gus been datin'?"

"Just a couple of months," Rusty answered. He quickly picked up another towel and folded it, just to busy his hands.

"Where did you meet?" Brenda paired a pair of socks and dropped them back in the basket.

"It's kind of a long story." Rusty flashed a smile. The story of him and Gus was anything but conventional and he wasn't sure if it was something he wanted to explain right now. "Gus is the brother of one of the victims whose murder my mom investigated. And that's the short version." He put the towel down and looked at Brenda. "Now can I ask you a question?"

Brenda grinned. "No problem identifyin' whose son you are. Answer a question, ask a question. That's a trick Sharon taught you."

"Why are you getting divorced?"

"Wow," Brenda said. "Sharon also taught you to be direct, did she? Well, let's see..." She tucked a curl behind her ear. "I guess Fritz and I are not as well suited as maybe we both thought when we first got together. And we tried to work things out but sometimes things can't be fixed." She picked up a couple of other socks but put them down again when she realised they didn't match. "And we both deserve to be happy."

Rusty didn't say anything and just continued folding. He'd picked up one of his own t-shirts and looked at it for a moment. "It's hard trying to be something you're not."

"I can certainly relate to that," Brenda mumbled, more to herself than Rusty but he heard her anyway.

"What do you mean?" The curiosity in his voice from earlier had been replaced by sincerity.

"That's a conversation for another time," Brenda answered, suddenly nervous. The conversation was inching closer towards something she wasn't prepared to discuss. She folded a couple more towels and put them in the basket and pushed it towards Rusty. He was watching her with great interest and she could feel his eyes burn into her, could almost hear the wheels turning in his head.

"OK, done."

She turned away from him and he picked the basket up and carried it back to the laundry room.

When he came back he found Brenda standing by the fridge. "When was the last time anyone did the grocery shopping?"

"Last week?" Rusty tried. "I'm not sure."

Brenda picked up a carton in the fridge door and inspected the date on the lid before carefully prying it off and sniffing. She coughed and turned to look at Rusty. "I'd say closer to two weeks." She held up the carton of yoghurt. "And there's mouldy cheese in here too." She closed the fridge. "This needs clearing out. And you, young man, need to go shopping."

"What? Me?" Rusty stared at her, wide eyed.

"You can drive, right? And you know how to read? Good, so I'll write you a shopping list and you can drive to the grocery store," Brenda said. She couldn't deny it was slightly ironic that she was commenting on the state of Sharon's fridge when there was Chinese takeout sitting in her own that was a week old.

"Gees, you sure like to give orders," Rusty grumbled.

Brenda shot him a look. "I do. And I like it even more when people follow them." She found a pen and notepad on the kitchen bench and started to write him a list. "And you can drop off the dry cleaning while you're at it."

"Yes, ma'am." Rusty smiled.

Brenda finished off the shopping list and handed it to Rusty. She fetched her purse from the living room and rummaged around before finding her wallet and pulled out her credit card. "Get everything on that list," she instructed him. "And if there's anything else you can think of, get that too." She held his gaze. "As long as it's sensible."

"So no chocolate ice cream then?" he joked.

"Chocolate ice cream is sensible," Brenda winked. "Now go."

He left the condo and Brenda heaved a sigh. She poured herself a glass of water, downed it at once and then made her way back into the living room. She picked up the old newspapers and a discarded empty soda can and put them in the recycling. She straightened up the cushions and opened the balcony door to let in some fresh air.

Brenda sat down and found her IPad in her purse. She opened it up but quickly realised she wasn't connected to the Wi-Fi. She typed a message to Rusty asking for the password and he replied moments later. She sure hoped he wasn't texting and driving at the same time but she would confront him about that when he got home. She leaned back, curled her legs up underneath herself and opened her internet app.

She'd lost track of time and when she looked up Brenda realised it had been almost two hours since Rusty went out. She put the IPad down and listened. The condo was quiet. Sharon was still asleep. She was about to stand up when she heard the door open. It was followed by the sound of something falling, then a loud bang and eventually Rusty swearing. "Shit."

Brenda hurried down the hall and found Rusty standing amidst a mess of bags, food and dry cleaning. He was still clutching a bag of bananas and flowers and the car keys were dangling from his index finger; the remainder of the shopping had spilled all over the floor. He had clearly thrown the dry cleaning down himself.

"Oh for heaven's sake! What are you doin'?!" Brenda exclaimed. "Be quiet!" She looked at the mess again and then at Rusty. "Did you carry all of that up here at once?"

"What do you think? I didn't want to have to do that trip more than once."

Brenda shook her head and was about to say that Rusty acted like a fool when she heard a door open down the hall and turned to see Sharon emerge from her bedroom. She wasn't wearing her glasses.

"What's going on?" Sharon wanted to know. "Rusty?" She then noticed Brenda and seemed surprised. "Brenda?"

"Just take this to the kitchen," Brenda told Rusty, before looking back at Sharon. She seemed a little brighter but her eyes were still bloodshot. "Rusty's just come back with the groceries. How are you feelin'?"

"I'll get back to you on that. What time is it?"

Rusty checked his watch. "It's almost four o'clock."

Sharon's eyes widened. "What?! But my flight was supposed to be at two and..."

"Andy cancelled it," Rusty explained. "He said you were too sick to fly and you were asleep so..." He looked at Brenda for reassurance.

"What? NO!" Sharon panicked. She looked from Rusty to Brenda and back. "It was the only chance I had to see them. I need to get on that flight!"

"Sharon, you won't be able to get on that flight now, it's already in the air" Brenda explained. She felt sorry for Sharon.

"I have to call Emily," Sharon said. There was despair in her voice. "I need to call her, tell her what happened. I need to..." She turned around and hurried back to her bedroom, found her phone on the nightstand and dialed her daughter's number.

"Mom?" Emily answered after the second ring. "Why are you calling? Shouldn't you be in the air by now?"

Sharon tried to answer but the tears welled up in her eyes and she couldn't speak. She just clutched the phone and sank down on the bed. The pain in her head intensified and she closed her eyes in an attempt to will it away.

Rusty appeared in the doorway, Brenda close behind him, and without thinking he crossed the room and took the phone from his mother's hand. Sharon let him, too tired and deflated to even argue.

"Em? Hey, it's me. Something's happened. Mom's ok but she didn't make her flight. She only just woke up and..." Rusty looked at Sharon. The sight of her crying broke his heart. He wished there was something he could do to fix it. Behind him, Brenda let out a sigh.

"What happened? Is she OK?" Emily wanted to know and Rusty realised that Emily had no idea Sharon was sick.

"She's fine. Well, sort of fine, I guess. She had a migraine and she went to bed. I think everything just kinda got to her. Andy cancelled her flight because she was too sick to fly. Didn't he call you?"

"No," Emily answered. Rusty could hear the tears in her voice, heard the soft sob she tried to suppress. "Ricky's on his way to the airport now to pick her up."

"Shit," Rusty swore, causing Brenda to nudge him in his ribs. "Em, I'm so sorry. Andy told me he was going to take care of it and I thought he would and..." He turned to look at Brenda. She now filed past him to sit down next to Sharon, carefully reaching out to rub soothingly against her back.. "I'm so, so sorry."

"It's okay," Emily answered but Rusty could tell she was crying and he knew that really things were not okay. Emily and Ricky wanted to be with Sharon as badly as she wanted to be with them. "Just tell her it's okay."

"I will," Rusty said softly. "I will."

Brenda stood up and pointed at the spot where she had been seated, indicating for him to sit next to his mother. He sat, reaching around to pull Sharon against his shoulder as he watched Brenda leave the bedroom.

Brenda made her way to the kitchen, put the kettle on and fetched a tea cup down from the cupboard. As she waited for the water to boil she collected the shopping Rusty had abandoned in the hall and began putting items away. When she came across the loaf of bread she put a couple of slices in the toaster. By the time the water boiled she'd packed away most of the shopping and had hung the dry cleaning over one of the dining chairs.

She chose one of the herbal teas that Sharon kept in a box and left the teabag in the hot water for a while before taking it out. The tea smelled a little like wood and Brenda inspected the label more closely. Red bush tea. She had never tried it herself. She waited for the toast to pop up and after putting on a little butter, carried the plate and the cup back to the bedroom.

Just as she pushed against the door she heard Sharon say, "I'll call you tonight, darling. I love you."

"It's going to be okay, mom," Rusty said. "We'll figure something out."

Brenda stepped into the bedroom and Sharon looked up. The red tracks on her cheeks betrayed her tears. "Hey."

"Hi," Brenda smiled and put the tea and toast down on the side table. "I made you some tea."

"Thank you," Sharon whispered. She watched as Brenda went to sit at the end of the bed, next to Rusty. It seemed that she'd forgotten about Brenda coming into her room hours earlier. "When did you get here?"

Brenda glanced at Rusty. They'd agreed not to talk about the letter. "A little while ago. I called to see how you were and Rusty said you were sick. I just came to see if there was anythin' I could do to help."

"You've been here all this time? Have you eaten anything?" Sharon's eyes fixed on Rusty.

"It's fine," he answered and looked at Sharon with a beaming smile. "Brenda and I have got it all covered. We did the laundry, I got groceries and sorted the dry cleaning too."

Sharon arched an eyebrow. "You did?" She then looked at Brenda. "You got him to do that?"

"It's probably a one off," Brenda smiled.

"Oh, and I got you something too." Rusty stood and headed for the bedroom door. "I thought maybe it would cheer you up."

"He's a good kid," Brenda said as Rusty left the room and Sharon nodded.

"He really is." She hesitated. "Brenda, about all this…" She wanted to say she appreciated it. She wanted to say that she was sorry about needing this, needing someone to be with her. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't," Brenda interrupted her. She shook her head. "Don't even say it, Sharon."

Rusty returned holding the flowers Brenda had seen earlier and he gave them to Sharon. He exchanged a knowing look with Brenda; after all, it had been her idea to add the flowers to the shopping list. Sharon smiled at the sight of them but then something dawned on her.

"I need to arrange for flowers to be sent to the funeral home," she said. She sounded tired, like she didn't have the energy to even be awake.

"It's taken care of," Brenda answered softly and Sharon looked at her in surprise. The blonde sheepishly smiled but at the same time she felt warm inside. "I googled the funeral notice and found the address of the funeral home. The flowers should arrive tomorrow morning."

Rusty stared at Brenda in bewilderment. "You did that?" He sounded impressed.

"Thank you," was all Sharon could say.

"You should probably get some rest," Brenda said and went to stand up. "Drink your tea, eat something if you can. Call me if you need anythin'."

She went to turn around when she noticed the silent tears sliding down Sharon's face and instead of heading for the door she walked into the en-suite. She picked a clean washcloth from the shelf and ran it under the cold tap, then bringing it back into the bedroom she handed it to Sharon. Brown eyes connected with green and their hands touched.

"Here," Brenda said softly. "Wash your face. It'll make you feel better."

Sharon took the cloth and bit down on her lip. The tears burnt behind her eyes but she didn't want to cry. Brenda saw the tears anyway, saw the way Sharon tried not to look at her in the hope that she wouldn't see. She slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, leaned in and wrapped her arms around Sharon, carefully pulling her into an embrace.

Sharon seemed to freeze for a moment but then she wound her arms around Brenda's back and rested her head against the blonde's shoulder. Some of the tension eased from her body as she relaxed into Brenda's arms.

"Thank you, Brenda," she whispered softly, her lips close to Brenda's ear. Her breath was warm against Brenda's skin. "Thank you for everything."

After a moment, Brenda let go of Sharon and stood. "Just go back to sleep," she soothed. "I'll call you tomorrow."

She smiled at Rusty as she walked past him and out of the bedroom. He had watched the scene unfold with curiosity and now his eyes followed her down the hallway as she collected her belongings and exited the condo.

Rusty turned his focus back to his mother, she had laid down now, and even though she had the wet wash cloth over her eyes, Rusty could tell she was still crying. Without hesitation he moved to the other side of the bed where Brenda had just been and sat down. He carefully reached out to stroke Sharon's hair. This was certainly not a side of his mother that he was used to seeing but as long as she needed someone to lean on, Rusty would do his best to be there for her.


	14. Chapter 14

Brenda met Gavin on the steps of the courthouse building. He was looking at something on his phone but put it in his pocket when he saw her.

"So," he said, smiling briefly. "Today's the big day. Ready to be officially single again?"

Brenda laughed nervously. "More than ready." She looked past Gavin to the building behind him. She had only been here a couple of days ago. That time it had been for a job interview. Now it was to sign her divorce papers in front of a judge. "Is Fritz here yet?"

"I saw him and his lawyer go in maybe ten minutes ago. Are you going to be ok? Do I need to call security?"

"I'll be fine," Brenda promised. "But I can't speak for Fritz. He never wanted this whole thing in the first place."

Gavin put a hand on her arm as they climbed the few steps to the building's entrance. Brenda followed Gavin because he knew where he was going whereas she had no idea where the judge's chambers were. A short elevator ride and another walk led to a marble floored corridor and when they rounded the corner, Brenda laid eyes on her soon to be ex-husband sitting on a bench. She assumed the man beside him wearing an expensive suit and hideous tie was Fritz's lawyer.

Fritz saw her but did not stand up. "Brenda." His voice was cold. She recognised that tone. She'd heard it plenty of times. It was the way he spoke when he was trying to hold back his anger.

Brenda tried to smile. "Fritz."

She smoothed her hands over the blazer she was wearing. She'd bound her hair back in a ponytail and readjusted it now, just to keep her hands busy.

"How are you?"

"Never better. I love spending Wednesday mornings in a courthouse signing divorce papers."

"Neither of us is here to have a good time," Brenda snapped back. The tension she felt had seeped into her words, making her sharper than she had meant to be. "But I'm glad we're finally getting' this over with."

"It's been over for a long time, Brenda," Fritz retorted. "In fact, I'm not even sure if it was anything to start with. You lied to me for the entire length of our relationship! Doesn't that bother you? Have you actually stopped to think about what that did to me?"

Brenda went to respond but she felt Gavin's hand at the small of her back and turned to look at him. He shook his head and she remained silent. Anxiety crept up on her. This was her second divorce and most definitely not something she was proud of.

"How's Sara?"

Brenda's eyes snapped up at the mention of her ex-lover's name. Fritz stared back at her with defiant eyes. She knew he was trying to wind her up and judging from the adrenaline that suddenly pulsated through her veins, it was working.

It had been months since she had last spoken to Fritz. Ever since she filed the divorce papers he'd given her the silent treatment. They communicated only when they needed to and once he found out about Sara, he had realised the real reason of the divorce and things had gone from bad to worse.

"I don't know. I haven't spoken to her for some time," she replied neutrally. "I've been too busy trying to get my life back together."

"With Sharon Raydor?" Fritz spat.

He'd found it. Her weak spot.

The mention of Sharon's name caused Brenda's cheeks to flush red and she knew even without saying a word that she had betrayed herself. She didn't look away, fully aware she would only be showing weakness if she did, she looked back at the man with whom she had spent so many years. He didn't look like the man she had once loved.

"Ah, so I see some things haven't changed," Fritz continued. "Still crushing on the poor Captain."

"I am not havin' this discussion with you right now," Brenda shut him down. She placed her hands on her hips in a sign of defiance and shook her head. "I am not talkin' about this."

"What? You don't want the whole world to know you're gay?" Fritz scoffed. "Because that's what you are, Brenda. You're gay and you're a liar."

"I think that's enough, Fritz," Gavin intervened. He took a protective step towards Brenda. "Let's just get these papers signed and then everyone can be on their way. I think we all just want this to be over as quickly as possible."

As if on cue the door to the judge's chambers opened and Brenda vaguely recognised the man standing in the doorway. She'd sat in his courtroom numerous times. He was in his sixties, with greying hair that had once been brown, an impressive moustache and kind brown eyes. He wasn't wearing his gown and had clearly opted for the more casual approach for today's proceedings.

"Mr Baker, Mr Stewart," the judge addressed the two lawyers.

"Judge Wiston," Gavin said and he turned to look at Brenda. "Brenda Leigh Johnson."

"We've met," Judge Wiston said and Brenda nodded with a smile. She clearly wasn't the only one who remembered her time in his courtroom. Judge Wiston then turned to look at Fritz. "And Mr Howard, I presume?" He stepped aside to let everyone into his chambers. "Let's just get this over with, shall we?"

Brenda only half listened to what was said. Her eyes drifted to the window and then to Fritz and eventually back to the window. She picked at her fingernails, studied the spot on her hand where her wedding ring had once been. She hadn't worn it for months but today it felt different. Today it felt like she was getting a second chance, an opportunity to have something she had denied herself for so long.

When it came to actually signing the papers, Judge Wiston gave both Brenda and Fritz a pen and Brenda placed her signature underneath the part where her name had been typed in capital letters. As the pen scratched against the paper, she felt an invisible weight fall off her shoulders and when she put the pen down she noticed her hands were shaking. She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes.

It was done.

Ten minutes later she was standing outside the judge's chambers. Fritz and his lawyer had already left. Neither had bothered to say goodbye. Brenda didn't know if she'd expected him to. It felt strange to watch a man she had once loved walk down a corridor without even looking back. Perhaps they had already drifted much further apart than she had thought. She looked up at Gavin and saw the way he looked back at her.

"Don't," she said softly.

"About what Fritz said… about Sharon…"

"I don't want to talk about it," Brenda insisted. "Please. I'm just tryin' to figure out how to be her friend and I don't want any of this complicatin' things."

Gavin nodded. "I just want you to know that if you do ever want to talk about it…"

"Sharon's your friend," Brenda reminded him.

"And so are you." He put a hand on her shoulder. "Take care of yourself, Brenda Leigh. And call me sometime. But maybe not to solve any legal issues, okay?" He winked and then started down the corridor.

Brenda made her own way out of the courthouse and when she stepped out into the late morning sun she breathed a sigh of relief. The sun felt warm on her face and a soft gust of wind played with her hair. The city noises somehow sounded different. It felt as if the whole world had changed. Today was the first day of the rest of her life; a life where she was finally able to be who she was.

"Brenda?"

She turned at the mention of her name. "Rusty?" He was leaning against the wall but walked over to her now. "What are you doin' here? Is Sharon ok?"

"She's fine. Well, not fine but you know what I mean," he said. "She's gone to work. But I remembered what you said yesterday, about signing divorce papers. And I just wanted to see if…" He didn't finish that sentence but Brenda knew what he'd meant to say.

He'd come to see if she was alright.

"It's done," she said. "I'm officially a free woman."

Rusty eyed her curiously. "How does it feel?"

"Strange," Brenda admitted. "It feels strange."

She noticed the way Rusty looked down at his feet, the way he had pushed his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. She didn't need to be an expert in body language to understand that there was another reason Rusty was here.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Did you…. Did you get a chance to look into that letter?" Rusty looked up and Brenda saw a hint of fear in his eyes. He didn't seem to know what it was he wanted to hear. Would he be more upset if he found the letter to be the truth or would he be more upset if it was a lie?

"I did," Brenda answered. "I googled her name yesterday when you were doin' the groceries and I found a few things." She cocked her head, saw the way Rusty now scraped his shoe over the pavement. "Do you want to go and grab a coffee?" She smiled when he looked up. "My treat."

They walked down the street together and Brenda held the door for him when they entered the Starbucks across the street from the courthouse. It was busy but they found a table near one of the windows and after asking Rusty what he wanted, which turned out to be some kind of frozen coffee, Brenda went to place their order. As she waited she took her phone from her pocket and typed a message to Sharon.

How are you feeling this morning? Anything I can do?

She slipped the phone back in her pocket when their drinks were ready and carried them back to the table. She pushed the frozen coffee to Rusty and closed her hands around her mug of hot chocolate. Rusty tapped his foot anxiously against the table and Brenda decided to put him out of his misery straight away.

"Right," she said. "From what I've seen so far, it looks like this girl Sophie is tellin' the truth."

Rusty blinked. "What?"

"I found a few things that confirm what she said. Where she went to school, when she graduated. I found her Facebook profile but it was private so I could only grab a couple of pictures, but it looks like what she's sayin' is true. She could very well be your sister. Obviously we'd need more physical evidence to back it up but right now, all things point that way."

Rusty shook his head in disbelief. It wasn't what he had expected to hear.

"I found a couple of pictures," Brenda said. She observed the emotions that flashed across Rusty's face. Surprise. Confusion. Sadness. Anger. She couldn't imagine what it was like finding out you had a sister and grandparents after all this time.

"Do you want to see them?" Brenda wanted to give him the choice.

Rusty nodded and she reached for her phone, opened her photo album and found one of the two pictures she had saved the day before. Brenda handed the phone to Rusty and watched as he studied the picture.

Rusty looked at the girl's eyes first. He'd seen them before. They were his mother's eyes. She was blonde, like him. And she was smiling. The picture had been taken at her graduation; she wore the cap and gown. He looked even harder at the girl's face, looking for anything that he recognised. He didn't have to look hard to see the resemblance; it was rather striking.

"She looks like my mom," Rusty said softly. He looked back at the picture. "She looks so much like her." Then the tone of his voice changed. Anger seeped into his words. "I can't believe she never told me I have a sister. She never once… Why didn't she tell me?!"

Brenda wanted to give him an answer but she didn't have one. "Rusty, I'm sorry," was all she could say. "This must be so upsettin'."

"I just wish I'd known," Rusty said. He was still looking at the picture. "Then maybe neither of us would've had to grow up alone."

"Do you still want me to call her?" Brenda carefully asked. "Don't feel like you have to do this just because she reached out to you. This is your decision." She felt she needed to remind him of that, maybe protect him too. "Decide what feels right for you, Rusty. And you don't have to decide right..."

"Call her," Rusty interjected. He looked up at Brenda, eyes wide and full of confusion. "I want to know."

"I can do that," Brenda answered. "And I will." Rusty was still looking at the picture. "I can text it to you if you want?"

He nodded and quietly gave Brenda back her phone. She added the picture as an attachment and sent the text to Rusty. She then put her phone back in her pocket and picked up her hot chocolate.

"What are you goin' to tell Sharon?" she wondered aloud, her eyes fixed on Rusty. He fiddled with the straw in his cup.

"I don't know," he admitted. "She's got a lot going on at the moment and I don't want to stress her out any more." He looked up, seeking some kind of reassurance from Brenda. It struck him as odd that they were sitting here talking about something as intense as his family when just a couple of weeks ago, they barely knew each other.

"Maybe it's just better if I don't tell her."

Brenda nodded, "That's your choice, Rusty, and I respect that but you can't keep this from her forever."

"I know," Rusty sighed. "I just feel like if I told her now… It's just not the right time but I do want her to know. I can't keep this from her. Not after everything else."

Brenda looked down into her drink, not entirely sure if the kid's reasoning added up with her own feelings about this situation. Withholding this discovery from Sharon felt wrong somehow, almost as if she was lying to her, and Brenda felt the guilt as it began to slowly settle in her chest.

*

Sharon had been waiting for a quiet moment in the Murder Room and now that Julio and Amy had gone out and Tao had joined Buzz in the media room, it left only Andy and Provenza at their desks. She slowly rose from her chair and opened her office door. She'd spent most of the morning in here in an attempt to catch up on yesterday's events and although her head felt anything but clear, she had made great progress.

"Andy?" she called and he looked up. "Do you have a minute?"

From across the room she could feel Provenza's eye on her. She ignored him only because she had to and watched as Andy made his way over. She needed to speak to him and this was the first opportunity she'd had.

"Close the door," she told him as he entered.

"I've been meaning to come see you," Andy said as he went to sit down. "How are you feeling? You look a lot better than you did yesterday."

"I am feeling better, thank you," Sharon answered. She looked at him. The way he was looking back at her told her he was concerned, that he cared. It made the fact that she desperately needed to talk to him even more difficult but she knew she had to.

"About yesterday…" she began, her voice soft yet firm. From behind her glasses bright green eyes fixed on the man sitting in front of her. This was not the first time she felt anger towards him but it was the first time that she felt unable to let it go. "After you drove me home, did you call the airline to cancel my flight?"

"Yes, I didn't want you to have to worry about it when you woke up."

Sharon shifted in her seat. She was not used to the feeling of frustration that had begun to eat away at her. "Don't you think that that was a choice I should've made myself?"

"Sharon, you were sick. You were in no position to fly," Andy argued.

"That was still my choice to make," Sharon countered. Her voice betrayed her anger now and she knew he knew. "Not yours."

"I was only trying to help," Andy interjected.

"By cancelling my flight and not telling my children I was no longer coming?" Sharon challenged. Ricky drove half way to the airport to collect me and Emily had to call him to let him know that I wasn't on that plane." Sharon paused to draw a breath, she was aware she was becoming agitated, but she pushed on regardless. "The only reason Emily knew is because I called her!" Sharon swallowed hard and stood up. She couldn't stay seated anymore. Slowly she paced through her office. "Rusty did what he could to help. And…" She was about to mention Brenda's name but changed her mind. She turned around to Andy. "Somebody else stepped in because you stepped out."

"Sharon, I was only trying to do the right thing! And after the las few days, I didn't think you'd want me hanging around."

She crossed her arms in front of her chest. She knew that was what he had been doing but it hadn't felt right. "In this case trying to do the right thing turned out to be the wrong thing."

Andy heaved a sigh. He looked defeated. "Sharon, I'm sorry."

"I should have been with my children today. But I'm not. And I know that's not your fault but the choice should've been mine. You were trying to help but next time talk to me first." She held still next to his chair and put a hand on his shoulder. Their gazes locked.

Andy covered Sharon's hand with hers and softly squeezed it. The touch was gentle and warm.

A knock on the door made Sharon take a step back, dropping her hand away from Andy as she did so, and she turned to the door. Provenza appeared.

"Sorry to interrupt, Captain."

"It's fine, we're done here," Sharon answered. "What can I do for you, Lieutenant?"

*

Thursday arrived with Sharon realising that she was due in court that afternoon. It was also a reminder that she was supposed to have been in Indiana with Ricky and Emily and as she got dressed for work that morning, she dialled Emily's number. Her daughter answered after the first ring.

"Hey mom."

"Hi honey," Sharon said as she put the phone on speaker and placed it on her bedside table. She buttoned up the black and white shirt she was wearing. The muscles in her back and shoulders protested; a reminder that she hadn't healed as much as she thought she had. "How are things going?"

"Dad's having a rough time," Emily admitted. "I thought he was doing okay but now that the funeral is coming closer, I'm not so sure." There was a pause. "I miss you."

Sharon's heart broke. The fact she was standing in her own bedroom and not in George's guestroom left her feeling guilty. Her children were dealing with the loss of their grandmother as well as their father's grief without her. "I know," she whispered. "I miss you too. And I wish I could be there. I wish I could do something."

"The flowers are beautiful," Emily said and Sharon made a mental note to thank Brenda the next time she saw her. "Ricky said that Dad's flying back to Los Angeles straight after the funeral tomorrow."

"Is that wise?" Sharon wondered. "He's going to be emotional. Your father in an emotional state unsupervised on a plane with access to alcohol…" She didn't want to consider the possible outcomes of that scenario but she knew she had to.

"I know," Emily sighed. She then changed the subject. "What are you doing today?"

"I'm due in court this afternoon." Sharon answered. She slipped her feet into her high heeled shoes. They matched her pencil skirt perfectly. "I'll call before I go. Can you ask your brother to call me too? He keeps ignoring my calls."

Emily promised that she would and Sharon ended the call.

She made her way to the bathroom, picked up her make-up bag and selected the items she needed. She carefully applied the foundation across her face, paying particular attention to the bruises. Seeing the marks fade as she applied the make-up felt strangely satisfying and when she added some extra concealer and some powder, the angry marks looked more like soft shadows against her skin.

It was more make-up than she was used to wearing and Sharon stared at her reflection for a little while before applying simple eyeliner and a dark pink lipstick. The dark eyeliner made her look severe, especially when combined with her glasses, but she needed to look strong in court today.

Sharon brushed her hair, sprayed some hairspray and then readjusted her glasses before turning around and leaving the bathroom. She picked her blazer up off the bed, slipped it on and walked from the bedroom to the kitchen. Rusty was still in the shower and she made herself some tea. Once the kettle had boiled Sharon poured the hot liquid into her travel mug and just as she screwed the lid on, Rusty came walking into the kitchen with just a towel around his waist.

"You're up early," he pointed out.

Sharon shook her head. "Couldn't sleep."

It was this case. She would always have bad nights before she was due to testify in court. She would play the events over and over again in her head, mentally revisiting the crime scenes, the morgue, and the interview rooms. She would see the victim's face, hear the suspect's voice and she would line up the evidence that led to a conviction. By now she had played her testimony a dozen times inside her head.

"Do I have time for breakfast?" Rusty's voice roused Sharon from her thoughts.

"Sure, it's still early," she smiled. He turned and headed back towards the bedroom.

"Make sure to put some clothes on!" she called after him and chuckled when she heard his bedroom door fall shut.

Forty-five minutes later Rusty dropped Sharon off at Parker Centre and after telling her that his classes finished early enough to drive her to the courthouse, he drove off and Sharon made her way to the Murder Room. She was early and no one else was there yet. She allowed herself a moment to look around the quiet space, remembering the first time she had walked into this very room. It seemed like a lifetime ago now and she certainly couldn't have imagined that it would lead her to where she was today.

Sharon smiled at the memory. She hadn't exactly been thrilled about meeting Brenda for the first time but things had changed. They had managed to establish a working relationship and, eventually, something that resembled the beginnings of a friendship

Thought of the blonde took Sharon back to Tuesday. Brenda's help had been unexpected but not unappreciated. Her mind then drifted to the hug, the tender touch of Brenda's hands as she had tried to wipe away Sharon's tears.

With the image of Brenda standing in her bedroom doorway still in mind, Sharon reached for her phone and typed a quick text message.

_Thank you again for the other day. Will be in court all afternoon. Will probably need to vent. Can I call you later?_

She hit send, shoved the phone in her purse and walked into her office.

Sharon stayed in her office until lunchtime. Most of that time was spent going over the file for today's case, just to reaffirm to herself that she did indeed have all the facts right. Going through the autopsy report and seeing the gruesome details printed in black and white was just another reminder that she spent her days surrounded by death and had probably spent more time staring into the faces of murders than she dared to admit to herself.

She looked up when someone knocked and found Andy leaning against the door. "Hi."

Sharon smiled. "Hey."

She sensed the change in atmosphere. Andy seemed uncertain around her, like he didn't know how to act after what happened yesterday. She knew he'd meant well and she wasn't angry but she couldn't overlook the hurt that his decision had caused.

"Do you want me to drive you over to the courthouse?" Andy offered. "It's quiet in there and Provenza and Julio are playing hangman on the Murder Board."

Sharon thought that there was something ironic about that. She shook her head. "Thank you. But I think I just need to do this one on my own." She looked at him, hoping that he understood. She couldn't rely on him forever and Rusty had offered to take her. She needed the time and space to organise her thoughts before taking the stand and being around Andy didn't allow her to do that.

Andy nodded in understanding. "Knock'em dead."

Sharon watched as Andy returned to his desk. Just as he sat down, the phone on Provenza's desk rang and he reached for it, abandoning the game of hangman. He scribbled something on a piece of paper and when he put down the phone, he said something that caused everyone to stand up.

They were rolling out.

When she left her office a little while later, the Murder Room was as quiet as it had been when she first arrived.

Sharon made her way to the ladies room' and took the small emergency kit of make-up that she kept in her purse and touched up her lipstick and applied a little more powder over her bruises. She stared at her own reflection a little longer, studied the lines around her mouth and eyes. Her skin was starting to betray her age and for the first time she actually felt old.

She rode the elevator down to the lobby, greeted the officer manning the front desk on her way out and stepped out into the warm afternoon sunshine. Feeling the warmth on her skin lifted her spirits a little and she walked along the sidewalk to the spot across the street where Rusty had parked the car. She had been to court to testify more times than she remembered but she still got butterflies in her stomach every single time.

Rusty only asked her a handful of questions during the drive, sensing that she seemed to prefer the silence instead. He even switched off the radio and when they eventually reached the courthouse, Sharon kissed him on his cheek and smiled.

"Good luck," he said just as she closed the passenger door.

She smiled in thanks, waved goodbye and then climbed the steps to the main entrance and effortlessly found courtroom two. The doors were still closed and she sat down on one of the wooden benches against the wall. She crossed her legs at the ankle and that was when she saw it; the ladder in her stockings.

"Shit," Sharon swore under her breath as she touched the ripped fabric.

She stood up and made her way to the nearest restrooms. Once safely inside one of the cubicles, Sharon stepped out of her heels and peeled the stockings down her legs. She threw them in the trash and let out a groan of frustration. Although she would often not wear stockings at all, she preferred to wear them in court.

Sharon nearly jumped at the sound of her phone ringing and rummaged through her purse to find it. The caller ID flashed Brenda's name and she answered, remembering the text message she had sent earlier. "Hi."

"Hey," Brenda cheerfully said. "How's your head?"

"Still attached," Sharon smirked. She leaned against the stall door, pressing the phone a little tighter against her ear. A thought crept up on her. "Where are you?"

"I'm drivin'," Brenda answered. "But don't worry, I'm hands free."

"Driving where?" Sharon wanted to know.

Brenda told her where she was and a quick calculation told Sharon that it wouldn't take Brenda too long.

"How fast can you get to the courthouse?"

"How long do I have?"

Sharon checked her watch. "Fifteen minutes."

"Let me rephrase; how many speeding tickets am I goin' to get?"

"You won't get any if you can get here in the next fifteen minutes and bring me a new pair of stockings."

Brenda chuckled. "Are you serious?"

"As a heart attack, Brenda Leigh."

Brenda laughed even louder at that but then asked, "What colour?"

"Just the nude kind, please," Sharon answered. She let her head rest against the cubicle door. The longer she stood here, the more reluctant she felt to go into the courtroom.

"I'll be there in a jiffy," Brenda promised. "With your stockings."

"Thank you."

Sharon hung up and ran her hand through her hair. The muscles in her shoulders protested, and she knew that by the end of the day, after sitting in the witness box for a considerable length of time, her body would feel even worse.

Only ten minutes later her phone rang again and she answered when she saw it was Brenda.

"Where are you?" Brenda wanted to know.

"The toilets just down the hall from courtroom two. You remember where that is, don't you?"

The line was disconnected after Brenda confirmed that she knew and a few moments later Sharon heard the door open followed by the sound of high heels clicking against the tiled floor. The footsteps halted just outside the cubicle.

"Sharon? You in there?" Brenda asked.

"Yes," Sharon answered. "I'm here."

"Are you going to open the door or do you want me to just toss them over?" Brenda questioned, a hint of amusement evident in her voice.

Before Sharon had a chance to answer, Brenda's hand appeared underneath the cubicle door. She held the packet of new stockings in Sharon's general direction and Sharon glimpsed the label as she bent to pick them up. Brenda had clearly bought them from the first available grocery store she'd come across.

"Will these do?"

"They're fine, thank you," Sharon said. "Can you hold this?"

She pushed her purse underneath the door with her foot and saw Brenda pick it up. She then began opening the packaging, noticing that Brenda had opted for the extra-long variety. She pulled away the wrapper, the see-through paper crisp in her hands, and held up the stockings for closer inspection. They weren't quite as nice as the ones she'd been wearing but they would have to do.

"Why do you even bother with those things?" Brenda wondered. She was well familiar with Sharon's legs and was of the opinion that Sharon didn't need stockings. "It's not like anyone's going to care."

"I care," Sharon countered.

She leaned against the wall of the cubicle and put her left foot in the stocking, swaying precariously as she rose to the tip of her toes to pull the fabric further up her leg, her hands running along the length of her calf as she smoothed the stocking against her thigh. Sharon pushed her skirt up a little, adjusting the soft material as she pulled it up higher.

She repeated the process on her other leg, struggling a little to keep her balance as she adjusted the close fitting fabric around her legs, and then slipped her feet back into her heels, smoothed down her skirt and cast a glance at her watch. She had five more minutes before court proceedings were supposed to start and Sharon quickly unlocked the cubicle door and stepped out.

Brenda was leaning against the sink, Sharon's purse pressed against her chest. When the brunette exited the cubicle, Brenda's eyes trailed up from Sharon's shoes to her skirt before meeting Sharon's eyes and she grinned. She didn't understand why Sharon wanted to wear stockings when she had legs like that.

"Happy now?"

"I'd be happier if I didn't have to testify," Sharon answered as she reached to take her purse from Brenda. Their gazes locked and Sharon noticed that Brenda was wearing jeans, a white t-shirt and a bright pink cardigan. She felt herself smile at the sight of the cardigan. It seemed that some things hadn't changed, even if the blonde had clearly given up on the hideous skirts.

"What's happening today anyway?" Brenda wanted to know.

"Cross examination," Sharon groaned.

"Prosecution or defence?"

Sharon shot a final glance in the mirror and readjusted her hair. In the harsh light of the ladies' room her bruises stood out even underneath her make-up.

"Prosecution."

Brenda arched an eyebrow. "Hobbs?"

"Uh-huh," Sharon nodded.

"You'll be fine," Brenda reassured her. "And you look fine too. You did a good job covering those bruises."

Sharon hoped that the younger woman was right and after one final glance to make sure she really did look alright, she turned to look at her. "Thank you for helping me out, Brenda. How much do I owe you for the stockings?"

The blonde smiled. "Anytime. And consider them a favour." She knowingly arched an eyebrow. "I'll make sure to call it in one day."

Brenda held the door for Sharon as they left the ladies' room and together they walked back towards the courtroom. More people had filled the hallway now. Sharon guessed some were relatives of the victim, others were probably just people who watched court cases. She didn't understand why anyone would voluntarily subject themselves to some of the gruesome details discussed between the four walls of a courtroom.

She avoided making eye contact with anyone and was suddenly aware of the fact that her badge and gun were clipped to her waist, obscured only by her blazer. There was a good chance that not everyone in the crowd was on the side of the victim.

Brenda took in the sight of the people in the hallway. It had not been part of her plans to end up at the courthouse today. Not after yesterday anyway. Walking through the large lobby with its high ceilings had only reminded her of the fact that yesterday she'd signed papers that left her free to start her life over again. And somehow that involved bringing stockings to Sharon Raydor.

She was about to point out to Sharon how long it had been since she herself had testified when Andrea Hobbs rounded the corner.

"Sharon!" the blonde DDA called. She then saw Brenda and her eyebrows almost disappeared into her hairline. "Chief Johnson. What brings you here?"

"I was in the neighbourhood," Brenda smirked. As if anyone would ever voluntarily show up at a courthouse for no particular reason. "Good to see you again, Andrea."

Andrea smiled and directed her attention back at Sharon. "You're up first. Remember what we talked about?"

The doors to the courtroom opened and people began filling the room. Sharon waved at Brenda as she and Andrea disappeared into a small side room where Sharon would wait until she was called to testify. Brenda heaved a sigh and went to leave, but changed her mind at the last moment and turned on her heel, following the last group of people filling the courtroom.

She found herself seated next to a bald guy with round glasses and an old fashioned tweed jacket. He didn't say anything, just stared ahead, eyes fixed on the chair where the defendant would sit. Brenda couldn't tell if he was somehow related to the case or not.

The judge entered and everyone stood. The defendant was brought in. Brenda learned moments later that her name was Janie McKenzie and she was accused of killing Natasha Connor. The girl's hands were handcuffed in front of her and Brenda felt a chill creep down her spine when she saw Janie's hollow eyes look around the courtroom.

"The prosecution may call their first witness for cross examination."

Brenda looked at the girl's lawyer. He wore an expensive suit and there was something cold and calculated about him. She decided then and there that she didn't like him. She then watched as at the other desk Andrea Hobbs stood up, smoothed out her blazer and looked directly at the judge.

"The people call Captain Sharon Raydor of the LAPD."

The doors opened and Brenda looked over her shoulder to see Sharon walk in.

Sharon strode confidently across the courtroom to the witness stand and turned to look at the judge as he reminded her that she was still under oath and obliged to tell the truth. She nodded and stepped into the witness box, sat down on the leather chair and folded her hands in her lap. She was aware of the dozens of eyes that rested on her now but she straightened her spine and fixed her gaze on Andrea.

"Captain Raydor, for the record, how long have you been with the LAPD?" Andrea asked.

Sharon didn't blink. They'd played this game before. Andrea would establish her as a trustworthy witness, a reputable police officer who was in charge of an elite team of detectives after years of leading the Internal Affairs department.

"Twenty-nine years," Sharon answered. "I started my career as a beat cop working the streets, then worked my way through the ranks and eventually led the Force Investigation Division before being transferred to Major Crimes."

Andrea looked from Sharon to the members of the jury and back. "Please explain to the court the events as they happened on the evening of March 23rd, 2015?"

"We arrived at the residence of Natasha Conner shortly before midnight and the coroner confirmed that she was indeed deceased," Sharon began.

For the next twenty minutes she gave a detailed description of the events of that evening, their investigation of the crime scene and the first indicators that Natasha had been murdered. At that point Andrea asked for one of the court officers to switch on the TV and Sharon talked the jury and those present in courtroom through the video shot by Buzz that documented the crime scene in minute detail. She didn't miss the soft gasp from the audience when Buzz zoomed in on Natasha's face; her lifeless eyes stared up into a world of nothingness. Cause of death was established as drowning but it wasn't until the results of the tox-screen came back that they discovered the high level of prescription medication in Natasha's system.

Sharon answered every question Andrea asked for almost two hours, solidifying their case against Janie McKenzie. Whenever she looked at the handcuffed girl, Sharon felt herself shiver. She had faced the most brutal and heartless of killers but there was something about Janie that made her uncomfortable. Maybe it was because she looked so perfectly angelic; it was hard to imagine that she had planned this murder down to the smallest detail.

When the judge eventually declared they were finished for the day, Sharon's head was throbbing and she rubbed her temples as she stepped out of the witness box. People were filtering out of the courtroom and it was only when she looked up that she noticed the figure standing in between the wooden benches.

"What are you still doing here?" Sharon asked when she reached Brenda. "Were you here all this time?" She hadn't seen the blonde and she'd looked at most of the faces present today.

Brenda nodded. "You did good," she said. "Very impressive."

She had watched Sharon for over two hours, had absorbed every word she said, had formed an image of the case in her own head and shared Sharon's confidence in Janie McKenzie's guilt. The girl had confessed and nothing was going to change that. But watching Sharon had also allowed Brenda to see her in a way she hadn't seen her for a long time. She finally got to see Sharon as the woman who had taken over and was now leading her squad. Devoted, intelligent and focused. Sharon spoke calmly and with a clear voice, she used words even those with limited knowledge of the justice system would understand.

Sharon heaved a sigh. She felt tired and drained. She was not looking forward to doing this again tomorrow knowing that the defence would try to tear her apart.

Brenda noticed the pained expression on her face and she placed her hand on the small of Sharon's back. "Would you like me to drive you home?"

"Would you?" Sharon asked and Brenda nodded. "Thank you."

When they walked out of the courtroom together, Brenda's hand still rested on Sharon's back.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, somehow the wrong version of this chapter made it up here. Note to self: Do not update stories when you're tired. Anyway, here is the correct version!

Sharon woke before the sun was even up. Her bedroom was still dark and the numbers on her alarm clock confirmed the early hour. 4.22. She lay back down, hands folded underneath her head, and stared up at the dark ceiling. She hadn't slept well, she could feel the tiredness in her bones, felt the heaviness of her head. The dread of the day ahead had followed her into her sleep.

Anne's funeral was today and she wouldn't be there. Her children would be burying their grandmother without Sharon at their side and that thought alone left her feeling devastated. She wanted to be there with them, wanted to pay her final respects to a woman who had singlehandedly guided her along the road of parenthood. The thought of George standing at his wife's grave, having to say goodbye to the woman he had loved for over sixty years, wasn't a thought Sharon could bear for long.

With a frustrated groan she rolled onto her side. The neon numbers on her alarm clocked cast an eerie glow over her bedside table and she forced her eyes shut. Not that she expected to fall asleep again but she felt that she should at least try.

When she woke again it was to the feeling of Rusty gently shaking her. Sharon's eyes snapped open and she looked up into her son's face.

"What is it?" she asked, voice still full of sleep.

"Aren't you in court today?" Rusty asked.

Sharon blinked and reached blindly for her glasses. "What time is it?"

"Eight-fifteen."

She sat up with a jolt as panic kicked in. "What?!" She looked at the alarm clock and to her horror she saw that Rusty was right. "Oh my God!"

"What time do you need to be in court?" Rusty took a quick step back when Sharon kicked off the covers.

"I need to be there by nine!"

Sharon pulled a dress out of her wardrobe, threw it on the bed and spun around to grab some underwear and shoes. She turned to look at Rusty and he retreated after offering to make her coffee. Sharon slammed the door to her en-suite and turned to the mirror. Her bruises were still clearly visible but she didn't have time to cover them up today. She barely had time to tame the mess that was her hair but she picked up her brush anyway and tried to do the best she could, eventually settling on pulling some of her hair back and fastening it with a simple black hairclip.

She had a quick wash, brushed her teeth and made her way back into the bedroom. She put on the dress, smoothed it over her knees and picked up the blazer that lay discarded on the armchair. She stumbled out of the bedroom as she tried to put on her shoes and was greeted by Rusty waiting for her, her travel mug and a banana in one hand and car keys in the other. Sharon didn't miss the hint of a smile that danced over his face as he watched her struggle and she couldn't find it in herself to tell him off. In some way she was sure it looked funny.

Rusty drove her to the courthouse and after getting stuck in traffic for almost fifteen minutes, Sharon felt like she was going to lose her mind. When they eventually pulled up outside the building, she had five minutes to spare and quickly kissed Rusty goodbye before making her way up to the entrance doors. Just as she pushed them open, her phone rang and Sharon's hand shot down to her purse to retrieve it. She was about to hit ignore when she realised it was Ricky and she quickly pressed the green accept button instead.

"Hi honey," she said as she stepped into the lobby. "Are you ok?"

"Define 'ok'," Ricky answered and Sharon sensed something was wrong. This wasn't just Ricky's grief talking.

"Your father?"

"He's struggling," Ricky sighed. "I can't blame him but I just wish that for once he'd take a step back and look at what everyone else is going through!"

Sharon felt almost sick with guilt. She knew what Jack could be like when he was emotional. She knew what alcohol did to him, knew how he dealt with stress. She suspected her children were cleaning up the mess even though they needed their own space too and she wished she could be there with them to take over. She'd learned to handle Jack a long time ago.

"How are you and Emily?" She tried to keep her voice neutral. She didn't want him to know she was worried. The last thing they needed right now was to worry about her.

"Em's amazing. She's organising everything and she's making sure Grandpa remembers to eat. I don't know how she does it." Ricky's voice was full of love for his sister. "I'm just trying to make sure Dad doesn't get himself into too much trouble."

Sharon had reached the metal detector and the officer responsible for the security check. The line was short and he signalled for her to end her call and put her phone in one of the trays. Irritation bubbled up inside Sharon as she checked her watch. She only had a couple of minutes and this whole thing wasn't going to help. She focused her attention back on Ricky.

"Honey, hang on a minute. I'm at the courthouse and about to go through security. Don't hang up"

Sharon unbuckled her gun holster and placed the weapon and holster in the tray followed by her badge. She shrugged herself out of her blazer and her shoes and placed them on top and eventually placed her phone in last and approached the scanner. She walked through it and heard the familiar high pitched beep and the little red lights above her head came on. She resisted a groan when the female officer beckoned for her to come over.

It wasn't like she'd never done this before but this was the one morning where she really did not need this interruption. She stretched her arms out wide and chewed her lip as the woman patted along the length of her arms and towards her chest, brushing slightly over her breasts and checking the wire of her bra before patting down along her waist and eventually the bottom of her dress. She then took a step back, smiled and said, "Thank you, ma'am."

Frustrated, Sharon collected her items from the tray and brought the phone back up to her ear as she pushed her feet back into her shoes.

"I'm back."

"Did you just get a pat down?" Ricky wanted to know. "Because it sure sounded like it."

"Happens all the time," Sharon answered as she pressed the phone against her ear with her shoulder and buckled her holster back up and secured her gun. She clipped her badge to the holster and picked up her blazer, spun on her heel and headed in the direction of courtroom two. To her relief the doors were still closed but they opened as she approached.

"Tell your grandfather I'll call him this afternoon." From the corner of her eye she saw Andrea and diverted her attention towards her. "I need to go in now." She didn't want to hang up, didn't want to lose the contact with her son.

"I understand," Ricky said and Sharon knew him well enough to know that even though he meant those words, he was still disappointed. "I'll speak to you later. Good luck, Mom."

"I love you," Sharon said before ending the call. With her phone still in hand she approached Andrea and found herself being pushed back into the little side room where she had waited the day before.

"How are you feeling?" Andrea asked, her eyes searching Sharon's face. "If you don't mind me saying, you look awful."

"There's your answer," Sharon sighed. She checked her watch. It was nine o'clock exactly. The butterflies she'd felt yesterday had been replaced by something far bigger and heavier today. Yesterday she had felt prepared. Today she felt like she was about to walk into a minefield. She took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down the racing of her heart but it continued to pound against her ribcage.

"I've got to go," Andrea said when there was a knock on the door. She put a hand on Sharon's arm before leaving and their eyes met. "You'll do great."

Sharon sure hoped she was right.

In the few moments she found herself alone in the side room, Sharon felt overwhelmed. She was tired and her mind wasn't focused on what was happening in the courtroom today but on what her family was going through. When the door opened and a court officer popped his head around to tell her it was time for her to go in, Sharon swallowed hard but she still felt sick. As she stepped back into the hallway and approached the double doors leading to the courtroom, she tried to calm herself by focusing on every step she took.

The doors opened and Sharon could see the judge from where she stood. She felt dozens of eyes turn in her direction as she walked towards the witness box. She made eye contact with Andrea as she passed her and after again being reminded she was still under oath, Sharon sat down and fixed her gaze on the defence. Janie McKenzie looked right back at her with ice cold eyes but Sharon didn't blink, not even when Janie's attorney stood up and approached her. His name was Michael Bradshaw and he had a reputation.

"Good morning, Captain."

She knew the pleasantries would soon be over. It was just a way to trick her into a false sense of security. She held his gaze for as long as it lasted and felt a small sense of victory when he looked away first. "Good morning."

"Yesterday we heard you tell this court and the members of the jury about the evening Natasha tragically lost her life," Bradshaw said and Sharon just nodded. "Your injuries seem more obvious today. Can you explain to the court how you got them?"

"Objection!" Andrea called. "What do the Captain's injuries have to do with this?"

"Just trying to clarify if the Captain suffered a head injury," Bradshaw countered. "I could always try and obtain her medical records if the prosecution prefers."

"I'll allow it," the judge said and Sharon suspected this was the kind of tone her cross examination would have.

"So Captain Raydor, can you tell the members of the court how you became so badly bruised?"

"A suspect in the death of a young child attacked me," Sharon answered. She wasn't going to back down just because Bradshaw was going to lose his case. "He threw over a table and the result of that you can see right here. And before you ask, the doctor did not diagnose a concussion."

"So you didn't black out at all? Didn't hit your head?" Bradshaw pressed.

"Does Mr Bradshaw now believe he has a medical degree?" Andrea objected and a glare from the judge confirmed that he agreed with her.

"Don't stray too far, Mr Bradshaw," he warned.

"Captain Raydor, did you or did you not at first believe that Natasha had committed suicide?" Bradshaw changed his tune.

"Yes," Sharon admitted.

"And did you base that belief on the fact that the victim had a history of depression and had previously attempted to take her own life?"

Sharon clenched her fists. She had anticipated these questions but hearing them infuriated her. Janie McKenzie had admitted she killed Natasha. The only reason it had come to trial was because Janie had recanted her original statement, no doubt with the encouragement from Bradshaw.

"Yes," she answered. "Natasha had a history of depression."

"So it is entirely possible that she overdosed herself on prescription medication, then passed out in the bath and drowned?"

"It would have been if your client hadn't confessed to murdering Natasha," Sharon argued. "And she confessed on tape."

Bradshaw shot her a menacing glare. "People recant all the time, Captain. Surely I don't need to remind you of that?"

Sharon knew better than to take the bait. He was trying to antagonise her and she wasn't going to let him. She just looked at him, but in her chest her heart thundered uncontrollably and her palms had become clammy. She could still hear Ricky's voice in the back of her mind and she couldn't stop her thoughts from straying.

Bradshaw turned around and started pacing through the courtroom. Sharon followed him with her eyes but then something behind him caught her attention and she looked up. There, on the back row, sat Brenda and their gazes locked across the length of the courtroom. Brenda smiled a little and Sharon was surprised to see the blonde sitting there. But it gave her something to focus on and when Bradshaw turned back around ready to fire his next question, Sharon was ready.

"Who was your original suspect?"

"Natasha's husband, Rick," Sharon answered. She remembered Andy and Julio grilling him for eight hours straight but he'd never cracked. Once they'd established that he had an alibi they'd dug a little deeper into his personal life and found out about his affair with Janie.

"The victim's husband. That's the same man my client was involved with, correct?" Bradshaw asked.

"Yes. Rick and Janie were having an affair."

"And who told you this?"

"Janie did."

Bradshaw arched an eyebrow. "Why would she tell you something that could make her a suspect in her friend's murder?"

"You'd have to ask her that," Sharon quipped, resulting in a little smirk from Andrea.

"But you wouldn't think it odd?"

"Objection! Calls for speculation. The witness does not have psychic powers and couldn't have known about Miss McKenzie's way of thinking," Andrea interjected and her eyes briefly darted in Sharon's direction.

"I'll rephrase," Bradshaw said and looked back at Sharon. "How many times have you come across a suspect who made themselves look guilty? Would you class what my client did as unusual?"

Sharon shook her head. "Not any more unusual than other things I see and hear every day."

Bradshaw slowly walked back towards his desk and shared a look with Janie McKenzie before turning around and looking at Sharon. He seemed relaxed but Sharon sensed it was a trick. All of this had been about making her feel comfortable, about letting her believe that he wasn't out to get her.

"Captain Raydor, do you have any physical evidence that ties my client to Natasha's death? DNA?"

Sharon shook her head. She knew what was coming, where this was heading, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She reached for the glass of water that stood on the bench. Her hand trembled as she picked it up and she tightened her grip out of fear of dropping it. She couldn't bring herself to look at Bradshaw.

"No."

She took a sip. The water didn't do anything to get rid of the horrible taste in her mouth.

"Fingerprints?"

"No."

"Did you find any of the prescription medication in my client's possession?"

"No." Her voice hitched and betrayed that threatened to fall.

Sharon felt a shiver creep down her spine. She wanted to run, be anywhere but here. Her heart pounded in the back of her throat.

"So all you have is a confession that your detectives coerced out of my client after an interrogation lasting over seven hours. A confession that my client retracted only twenty-four hours later after she claimed your detectives threatened her."

Sharon looked at Andrea and saw the frustration on the DDA's face. She knew that whatever leverage they had had was starting to slip through their fingers and it didn't matter how tightly she was trying to hold on. Sharon glanced at her watch, the minutes were ticking by and she was acutely aware of the fact that across the country her children were preparing themselves for one of the hardest day of their lives.

"Captain Raydor?"

Sharon's head snapped up.

"I have one last question," Bradshaw said. "You said you don't have any forensic evidence that ties my client to the crime. You don't have a confession." He took a step in her direction and for the first time since entering the courtroom Sharon felt like she was the weaker party. "Tell me, do you have any evidence at all that my client killed Natasha Connor?"

Sharon felt sick and she let her eyes fall shut before answering, "No."

The judge called a recess as soon as Sharon gave her answer. She didn't get up from her seat straight away but instead stared at her hands in her lap. Something heavy had sunk into her stomach and she felt nauseous. She couldn't bring herself to look up and face Andrea but when she finally did, she saw the blonde DDA approach.

"Sharon! What the hell was that?!" Andrea demanded to know. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes wide. She looked at the Captain in a mixture of shock and horror. "What on Earth were you thinking? Are you deliberately trying to railroad this case?"

"He's right," Sharon reluctantly admitted. She understood Andrea was angry. She was angry at herself too. She looked up at the blonde DDA and Andrea looked back at her, seemingly lost. The initial anger had somewhat subsided. What remained was something Sharon couldn't quite read.

"Aside from Janie's recanted confession, we have nothing." Sharon's voice was flat.

Andrea stared at Sharon incredulously. "You working for the defence now?" Her blue eyes lingered on the bruises on Sharon's face. Andrea's own features softened a little as she took in the Captain's almost helpless appearance. "And I thought we agreed you were going to cover those up? It only made you an easier target."

Sharon was about to answer but another voice interrupted before she had a chance.

"There's nothing she could have done!"

Both women turned around and found Brenda standing behind Andrea, hands planted firmly on her hips and brown eyes blazing.

"Unless you wanted her to lie under oath, Sharon did what she had to do," Brenda added as she walked over and took a stand at Sharon's side. She knew Sharon wouldn't stand up for herself right now because her testimony had damaged the case but she wasn't about let Andrea Hobbs dig into Sharon like that, even if she did understand why the DDA was so frustrated.

Andrea seemed a little stunned to find Brenda coming to Sharon's defence and turned to walk over to her desk to pick up her paperwork. She shot a last look over her shoulder at Sharon after allowing herself a moment to catch a breath.

"Well I guess I'm going to have to try and fix this." She paused and blue eyes found Sharon's green. "We are going to have to fix this, Sharon." There was a hint of despair in her voice. "We have to."

Andrea left the courtroom and Brenda and Sharon found themselves alone.

"Are you ok?" Brenda asked softly. She took in the tormented expression on Sharon's face.

"Not really, Sharon barely whispered as she shook her head to indicate no. She was angry at herself for having let Bradshaw get so close. She'd been too preoccupied and she hadn't been able to handle his questions as well as she had wanted. Anger flashed behind green eyes. "How could I have let this happen?!"

"There's nothing you could have done," Brenda soothed. She had been in this position many times. Cross examination, especially by the defence, was tough. "It happens." She cocked her head and reached out to let her hand graze the older woman's arm as she searched Sharon's face. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I know what day it is, Sharon. I know what's going on."

Sharon sighed. "The funeral starts in ten minutes and I'm stuck in here! I should've been in Indianapolis right now but instead I may just have helped a killer go free!"

"Come on," Brenda wrapped an arm around Sharon's shoulders and led her out of the courtroom. "Let's go for a little walk, get some fresh air. Maybe call Emily?"

Sharon nodded and found her phone in her purse as she and Brenda walked down the hallway. By the time they stepped outside, she'd dialled Emily's number. Hearing her daughter's voice made her heart swell and Sharon fought back the tears.

"Mom! Ricky said you're in court."

"We're in recess. How are you holding up?"

She and Brenda walked alongside each other as they made their way down to the sidewalk. There was an empty bench right across from the steps and they sat down. Brenda's arm slipped away from Sharon's shoulders and rested on the back of the bench instead. Sharon crossed her legs and leaned back a little. Her eyes fluttered shut as she listened to Emily.

"The service is about to start," Emily said. "It's been…. It's been hard."

Brenda watched as Sharon's face crumbled into a mask of hurt. She saw the way her eyes narrowed as she fought against the tears, the way her grip tightened on her phone and the way she turned away from Brenda a little, almost as if to try and hide the emotion. Brenda's hand shifted from the bench to Sharon's back and for a second she felt the older woman stiffen under her touch but then Sharon relaxed and Brenda began to draw slow soothing circles between Sharon's shoulder blades.

Brenda couldn't even begin to imagine what it felt like to miss the funeral of a loved one and she wanted so desperately to take some of that pain away from Sharon, help her carry it somehow.

"I wish I could be there right now," Sharon whispered. The tears stung behind her eyes but she didn't cry. She tried instead to focus on the feeling of Brenda's hand against her back. "I wish I had gotten the chance to say goodbye to her."

"I know Mom," Emily soothed. There was a noise in the background that sounded like someone knocking on a door. There was a brief pause. "I've got to go, Mom. I love you."

"I love you too," Sharon whispered and let her phone fall into her lap when the call disconnected.

Brenda carefully put her other hand on Sharon's knee. She struggled seeing the older woman hurting but there was nothing she could do to make it better. "Sharon, I'm so sorry. This must be so hard for you."

"I just feel like such a failure, like I'm letting everyone down." Sharon sighed and looked up at the courthouse across the street. A stray tear fell down her cheek and she reached to wipe it away. "I'm failing Anne, I'm failing my kids and I'm failing Natasha."

"You're doing everything you can," Brenda reminded her. She stood up when she spotted the small coffee vendor a few yards to their right and walked over. She bought a bottle of water and carried it back to Sharon, pushing it into her hand.

"Drink something," she encouraged. She let her hand come back to a rest on Sharon's shoulder and Sharon allowed Brenda's touch to ground her. "It'll help."

They sat in the late morning sunshine for another ten minutes with Sharon slowly sipping from the bottle. Then Sharon's phone vibrated with a text from Andrea saying that they were due back in court. They made their way back into the building together and this time when Sharon walked over to the witness stand, she looked over her shoulder and directly at Brenda. The blonde smiled encouragingly and Sharon decided that she had to try and make up for her mistake from that morning.

She sat back down in the witness box, confidently looked up and met Andrea's eyes. The blonde DDA stood up and looked from Sharon to the judge.

"Redirect, Your Honour?"

Sharon braced herself and looked at Brenda at the other end of the courtroom. She could do this.

*

She spent most of her day on the stand. Andrea fired questions at her for almost an hour, with Bradshaw jumping in every ten minutes with some kind of objection. He then asked to redirect again and by that point Sharon was so tired and agitated, she engaged in a verbal showdown with him that eventually resulted in the judge reminding Bradshaw that he had to stay calm. Sharon knew the damage was done. She couldn't change what she had said that morning and only time would tell if she had done enough to see Janie McKenzie go to prison. She felt nervous and slightly nauseous when she left the stand.

Sharon was hungry and it was well past lunchtime, going on for almost two o'clock. The judge had allowed them to carry on the cross examination so they could all wrap up early because it was Friday.

She scanned the courtroom as people were getting up to leave looking for Brenda and felt her heart sink when she didn't see the blonde anywhere. Frustrated, Sharon began walking down the aisle leading to the double doors and filed past a group of people talking in the doorway. She stepped out into the main hall, anger and adrenaline pulsating through her veins as she looked around. For a few moments she felt lost and Brenda was nowhere to be seen.

"Sharon, hold on!"

She turned around at hearing Andrea's voice and the blonde caught up with her.

"You got a minute?" Andrea asked and Sharon nodded. The blonde flashed a smile and put a hand on Sharon's arm. "Good job earlier. And…." Blue eyes found green and Andrea seemed to sense Sharon's discomfort. Her grip on Sharon's arm tightened a little. A sign of affection and support. "I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier. I should've remembered what's going on and I didn't. Are we ok?"

Sharon nodded. "We're fine, Andrea." She flashed a weak smile and reached up to touch Andreas hand on her arm. "But thank you."

Andrea smiled in relief and removed her hand. "Ok. Well I hope you get some rest over the weekend. Take care of yourself."

Sharon watched Andrea walk away before she started walking down the hall towards the exit when towards her right, a figure broke free from the crowd and Brenda walked into her line of sight.

"Sharon?"

Sharon sighed in relief. So Brenda hadn't left. "Where did you go?"

"Lunch," Brenda answered as she held up two wrapped sandwiches and a tray with two coffees. She handed one of each to Sharon and the older woman gratefully accepted them. "You haven't eaten since this morning."

"Thank you," Sharon sighed and took a small sip from the coffee. It tasted bitter but she drank it anyway.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" Brenda asked, her brown eyes resting on Sharon. She could see the dark shadows around the brunette's eyes. The bruises made her look even gaunter. The stress of today had left its marks.

"I need to get back to the Murder Room," Sharon answered "We rolled out yesterday and I need to catch up." She'd received a couple of text messages from Amy and Provenza and it looked like a double homicide linked to drugs but that was all she knew.

Brenda nodded, "I can drop you off."

They headed towards the exit when someone called Brenda's name from behind them and Brenda turned around. Sharon, out of curiosity turned too and was surprised to see Gavin walking towards them.

"Oh, Sharon!" he smiled when he reached them and then looked horrified at the state of her face. "Holy shit, darling, what happened?"

"Decided to try a new beauty treatment," Sharon joked. "It's not as bad as it looks." She took a step towards Gavin and kissed him on his cheek. He hugged her and Sharon noticed he smelt of expensive cologne. "How have you been?"

"Busy as always. You know, people get themselves in all kinds of trouble," Gavin answered and looked at Brenda. The last thing he'd expected was to see the two of them together. "What brings you here?"

"I testified in the Natasha Connor case," Sharon answered. "All day."

Gavin pulled a disgusted face and focused on Brenda. "And you?"

"I had nothing better to do so came just for fun," Brenda grinned.

She felt strangely uncomfortable in Gavin's presence. He was Sharon's friend; it was how she'd gotten to know him in the first place. But Sharon didn't know about her divorce and she didn't know Gavin had represented her. From the way he looked from her to Sharon and back, Brenda guessed the same thought had crossed his mind also.

She noticed the way his eyes narrowed a little, like he was trying to fit pieces of a puzzle together.

Sharon's phone rang at that same moment and after quickly glancing at the screen she answered it. She mouthed 'Emily' to Brenda before excusing herself and walking off.

Gavin watched the brunette go and then turned to Brenda. "What happened? Please tell me the person responsible for this is in prison!"

"A suspect attacked her during an interview," Brenda explained and noticed the way Gavin's features relaxed. Her eyes drifted back to Sharon and they lingered on the brunette a few moments longer than necessary.

"So," Gavin said, smiling a little when he noticed the way Brenda was looking at Sharon. "I didn't know you and Sharon were spending so much time together."

"Don't," Brenda hissed, her eyes darting nervously in Sharon's direction. The brunette's back was turned on her. "I'm just tryin' to help and right now she needs all the help she can get."

Gavin's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

"Imagine being stuck in a courtroom all day when your kids are facin' havin' to bury their grandmother alone. On the other side of the country."

"Eleanor's dead?" Gavin gasped. "Jesus…"

"No, no, no," Brenda interjected, realising Gavin thought Sharon's mother was the one who had passed away. "It's Anne. Jack's mother."

Gavin looked at Sharon as she talked to her daughter on the phone. "Oh my God. Sharon loved Anne. The relationship with her own mother is… well, by lack of a better word, strained." He rubbed the back of his head. "But Anne...I'm surprised she hasn't moved Heaven and Earth to be there."

Brenda suddenly understood why Anne's death was affecting Sharon so much. She followed Gavin's gaze and felt a sharp pang of guilt as she let her eyes trail up from Sharon's legs. She couldn't help herself, no matter how wrong it felt in this moment. "She tried. She really did. But she's got a lot goin' on at the moment and everythin' is just…"

She didn't finish that sentence and Gavin turned to look at her, saw the way her eyes rested on Sharon.

"Does she know?" he asked, lowering his voice a little. "Did you tell her about the divorce?"

Brenda shook her head. "She doesn't know about any of it and I'd like to keep it that way for a little while longer. I don't want her thinkin' she has to worry about me or somethin'. There's other things Sharon needs to think about right now."

Gavin arched an eyebrow in surprise. "Who are you and what have you done to Brenda Leigh Johnson?"

"Oh, hush." Brenda slapped him on the arm but grinned anyway.

Sharon came walking back, still clutching her phone. She joined Brenda and Gavin and sighed. "That was Emily."

"Brenda told me about Anne," Gavin said and went to hug her. She willingly accepted. "Sharon, I'm so sorry."

"Thank you," Sharon whispered, lingering for a moment in the comfort of his embrace. "Emily was just telling me how the funeral went." She looked down at her feet and Brenda could see the tears threaten to spill when she searched Sharon's face.

"Do you still want me to drive you back to work? Or would you prefer to go home?"

"Actually, could you just take me home?"

"Of course." Brenda turned to look at Gavin. "Nice seein' you again, Gavin."

"Same to you. Stay out of trouble!" He added with a wink.

"I'll call you tonight." Sharon had turned to look at Gavin now. "It's been way too long."

"Don't you worry about that, honey." Gavin leaned in and kissed Sharon's cheek, running a finger over her bruised face at the same time. "Give yourself some time. And you seem to be in fine hands here so I won't worry too much." He smiled as he pulled back and then turned on his heel to head off in the opposite direction.

"Come," Brenda gently ushered and put her hand on Sharon's back. "Let's go."

Brenda drove Sharon home and after promising the blonde that she would call her later that night, Sharon took the elevator up to her condo and stuck the key in the lock. Stepping into the quiet space of her home was a relief and she shrugged herself out of her blazer, slipped out of her shoes and reached to pull the clip out of her hair.

She walked to her bedroom, stripped off and dropped the clothes in the hamper. Naked, she padded into her en-suite and switched on the shower. Whilst waiting for the water to heat up she turned to the mirror and looked at her own reflection. By now she was so used to the bruises that she barely lingered on them when she looked at herself. Instead she focused on the dull shade of her skin, the circles around her eyes, and the dryness of her lips. There seemed to be more lines around her eyes too. She felt older than ever.

Sharon stepped into the shower and let out a soft moan when the warm water rained down on her. She washed her hair and scrubbed her skin until it was pink, leaving the shower cubicle smelling of lilies. She stood under the flow for several more minutes, turning in such a way that it massaged her sore shoulders and back. When she eventually switched off the water she wrapped herself up in a towel, walked back into the bedroom and chose a pair of comfortable jeans, a cotton purple t-shirt and black cardigan from her wardrobe.

After getting dressed Sharon picked up her phone and dialled Emily's number. She knew her daughter would be more likely to answer than Ricky. After the third ring she heard Emily's voice loud and clear. She also heard the voices in the background and she guessed that they had gone back to the house.

"Hey," Sharon said as she closed the bedroom door behind her and made her way back to the living room. "How are you holding up?"

"All things considered? Not too bad. The service was beautiful and there are so many people here," Emily answered. "Oh, and Dad decided that he won't be flying back tonight but tomorrow. He wants to stay an extra night to help me and Ricky and Grandpa."

Sharon was impressed. Jack was stepping up. It wasn't that he was incapable of doing that, it was just that it had been a long time since he had. "That's nice, sweetheart," she said. "I'm glad the three of you have each other. Maybe it's a good way to deal with the past."

"Maybe," Emily answered and Sharon detected the glimmer of hope in her voice.

They talked for a little while longer before ending the call. Sharon then got herself some tea and after checking in with her division and making sure Provenza was in charge and handling things, she sank down on the couch and pulled her legs up. It was just after four o'clock and her body yearned for rest.

By five o'clock Rusty had texted her to let her know he was going for dinner with Gus. She guessed he was trying to give her some space but Sharon wasn't sure if she preferred to be alone or hated it and after sitting on the couch for a few more moments, she got up to go to the kitchen to get herself some wine. She was about to open the fridge when there was a knock on the door and she went to answer it. She had a quick look through the spy hole and then opened the door in surprise.

"Gavin?!"

He held up a bag and a bottle. "I brought Thai food and wine. Is that still your way of indulging yourself?"

Sharon stepped aside to let him in, but before she had a chance to fully close the door Gavin had put the bottle and bag of food down and pulled her into his arms. For just a moment she hesitated but then she relaxed into the embrace and the feeling of familiarity and safety that it brought her. As she rested her head against Gavin's shoulder she realised he still wore the same cologne she'd given him last Christmas and Sharon smiled to herself.

When Gavin finally let her go he kissed her on the cheek and smiled, then picked up what he'd brought with him and effortlessly made his way around her living room and kitchen even though it had been months since he'd last been here. By the time she joined him he had already gotten two plates and some cutlery and was busy organising the take-out boxes. He turned to look at Sharon and observed her casual attire.

"Time to spill the beans," he said as he took the lid off what looked like a green curry. "You don't call. You don't text. What's going on?"

"Things are just a little hectic, is all," Sharon answered as she put a couple of spoons of boiled rice on her plate. "There's a lot going on."

Gavin squinted a little behind his glasses and shook his head. "Sharon Elizabeth Raydor, I have known you for over twenty-five years. When will you finally learn you can't lie to me?" He leaned against the counter and pinned her with his stare. The way he crossed his arms over his chest was so overly dramatic, Sharon almost snorted.

"Spill it, lady," Gavin insisted.

"It's a lot of different things at once," Sharon said. "You know what it's like." She tasted the curry from the back of the spoon before putting it on her plate. She wasn't sure Gavin did understand as his life somehow always seemed complication free but they had a good understanding. Years of facing the good and bad times together had helped them form a strong bond. "So, how are you and Matthew?"

"We broke up six weeks ago. I'm seeing William now." Gavin smirked a little.

"Well, excuse me for failing to keep up with your revolving door love life." Sharon had known that, but with everything going on, it had slipped her mind.

"Nice try, honey. Stop trying to change the subject. I want to know what's going on. Is it Andy? You are still dating him, right?"

Sharon let out a sigh. "Yes, we're still dating. But we've had a few… glitches." She chose that last word carefully. It was enough for Gavin to look up.

"Glitches?"

"It's complicated."

"Is that why he isn't here? You've had a long day, a long week by the sound of things, and he's not here," Gavin observed. He tried to keep the accusation out of his voice but Sharon heard it anyway.

"I didn't ask him to come." And he'd never offered either but she left that part out.

Sharon's phone beeped and she glanced at the screen to see Brenda's name pop up. She smiled as she read the text message. Bought chocolate cake. Want me to bring some over tomorrow?

"Brenda?" Gavin questioned and averted his eyes, remembering that Brenda had told him Sharon didn't know about the divorce. He guessed there were several other things Brenda also hadn't mentioned. He tried to sound neutral when he asked, "Since when have you two been hanging out?"

"She just happened to turn up," Sharon answered. "And she's been coming round a fair bit since then. She was here the other day when I was sick. Even persuaded Rusty to do laundry. I don't know what kind of hold she has over him but if she can get him to pair socks, she can come back any time." Her eyes drifted to the flowers on the dining table. A physical reminder of Brenda's presence that night. "I'm surprised but she's proving herself to be a good friend."

Gavin didn't answer but noted the way Sharon smiled when she went to pick up her plate of food. They made their way to the couch together, took a side each and ate in silence for a little while before Gavin asked about Anne. Sharon knew he had been testing the water up until then, trying to see how prepared she was to talk about losing someone so close to her. She took a large sip from her wine and put the glass down before answering.

"Jack's out there with Emily and Ricky. They've been holding up OK."

"And you?"

She shrugged. "I'm just doing what I can."

She leaned back and when she felt Gavin's hand on her knee, she realised then that she was glad not to be alone tonight.

Gavin was one of her oldest friends and he knew her better than most. They made a strange pair at times, with Gavin as flamboyant as Sharon was reserved, but he was sincere and honest, two traits Sharon valued greatly. He had been there throughout her struggles with Jack, had been there when she worked her way up the ranks inside the LAPD and it had been Gavin she turned to when she knew Brenda needed help because he was the only person – other than herself- prepared to put up with the Chief.

Sharon let out a sigh and instead of finishing off her food she focused on her wine. "I hope you're prepared to drink all of this with me," she said, jerking her head towards the open bottle on the dining table. "Because we have a lot to talk about."

Gavin just nodded. "Let's hear it."

Sharon took another sip from her glass and was surprised that once she started talking, she simply couldn't stop. The words just came but after a while, so did the tears.

Gavin scooted closer and wrapped his arm around Sharon's shoulders. She didn't resist and let herself rest against him. He held her until the tears finally stopped and her words were no longer so filled with grief. And then he continued to hold her as he made her laugh with the story about how he had met his latest boyfriend.

It was just after eleven when Sharon walked Gavin to the door. The wine bottle was long since empty and the alcohol had gone to her head a little as she giggled when Gavin told her to look after herself. He tried to sound serious but the alcohol was affecting. He leaned in to kiss her goodbye and as he pulled away from her he announced with a small measure of hopefulness "My taxi awaits. I do hope the driver's cute," then he gave a three finger wave and blew Sharon a kiss as he made his way toward the elevator.


	16. Chapter 16

Rusty hovered outside Sharon's bedroom door. It was 7.30 and he hadn't heard a sound yet, which was surprising even for the weekend. Sharon was an early riser, a trait Rusty himself didn't particularly share, and even on Saturdays she would be up around seven just because she felt she could accomplish more that way. But the condo was still quiet and Rusty guessed that if the empty bottle of wine in the kitchen trash was anything to go, it probably would remain so for a little while longer.

After checking his phone again, it was 7.31 now, he decided to knock and waited. There was no answer and he knocked again, a little louder this time. "Sharon?"

This time she replied. "Rusty? Is that you?"

He wondered who else she thought it could possibly be but he took it as his cue to open the door and step into his mother's bedroom. Sharon sat up and had just put on her glasses. She still squinted a little when she looked at her son. "What's wrong?"

"Well, nothing's wrong," Rusty answered. "But I do need you to get up."

"Why?" The last remnants of sleep vanished and Sharon watched him intently. "What happened?"

"Why do you always think something happened?" Rusty smiled and shook his head. "Ok, this was meant to be a surprise but like I just had a text from Ricky and he's flying into LAX this morning before flying to San Francisco."

Sharon was definitely awake now. "What?"

"Ricky's on his way…"

"Yeah, I heard you," Sharon interrupted him as she climbed out of bed. She ignored the dryness in her mouth, the aftertaste of too much wine, and the dull thumping pain in her head and headed towards her en-suite, closing the door behind her. In the quiet, bright space of her bathroom Sharon felt the happiness and relief well up inside of her. She was going to see Ricky. She would be able to wrap her arms around him and know that he was OK.

She took a quick shower, brushed her teeth twice to try and get rid of the aftertaste of the wine and then dried her hair. She applied a thin layer of make-up to conceal the bruises a little, chose a natural shade of lipstick and some mascara to finish off the look and then hurried to get dressed. When she met Rusty in the kitchen twenty-five minutes later he handed her a fresh bagel and her travel mug filled with herbal tea and he smiled at her. She wondered if the relief was that clearly visible on her face.

"What time did you get home last night?" Sharon inquired as she held the door for Rusty and he filed past her into the hallway.

"Just after midnight. We went to see a late movie. I meant to call but I forgot." He gave her an apologetic look.

Sharon appreciated that Rusty was finally in the position to live his life the way most young adults did and although she struggled with letting him go, she tried to trust him. He would be ok, she knew that. "I'm glad you had a good time."

"Did you have visitors last night?"

They'd reached the elevator and Rusty pressed the button.

"Gavin came by," Sharon answered. "We had dinner."

Rusty smirked. "And wine."

They made their way down to the parking lot and Sharon got behind the wheel. Rusty climbed into the passenger seat and buckled up. He shot Sharon a sideways glance and noticed the smile across her face. She put the car into first gear and pulled out. As they drove out of the parking lot, the radio kicked in and they listened to the morning traffic report as they drove off.

The drive to LAX wasn't particularly stressful and Sharon skilfully avoided a traffic jam when the car's navigation system alerted her to it. She took a right turn and after cutting through a few residential areas, ended back up on the road that took them to the airport. They parked in the long stay car park and joined a group of people that were making their way into the arrivals hall. Sharon's eyes immediately darted up to the board with the flight arrival times and saw that Ricky's flight was due in five minutes. She felt excited and nervous and willed for time to go faster.

It seemed to take forever for the first passengers from the flight to appear but Sharon eventually spotted her son. She took a few steps in his direction and then her eyes fell on the person walking a couple of steps behind him. Tears welled up in her eyes when she saw Emily and when her children finally reached her, Sharon threw her arms around their necks and pulled them close. Finally they were together.

"Mom," Ricky said after a few minutes and tapped her on her arm. "I can't breathe. A little less tight, maybe?"

Sharon let go of him and Emily and looked at her children. Tears glistened in her eyes. "Wow," she sighed. "I didn't know you were both coming. I thought you had to be in New York tomorrow?" She focused on Emily.

"I do. My flight leaves in three hours so I don't have long. But I had to see you," Emily answered. She reached for her mother's hand and held it. "How are you holding up?"

"I should be asking you that," Sharon said softly and let her fingers ghost over her daughter's cheek. She turned around to look at Rusty. Ricky had joined his younger brother. "Let's go and get some coffee."

They found a table in one of the few coffee shops just outside arrivals and Rusty and Ricky went up to order their drinks while Emily and Sharon sat closely together, their hands still joined. Sharon wasn't sure she was prepared to let go of Emily when the time would come that she would have to leave. She let her eyes trail over her daughter's slender frame, her pretty face. Emily looked pale, which Sharon guessed was due to stress and lack of sleep. But she also looked stronger somehow, almost as if she had matured a few years in recent days.

"Are you alright?" Sharon wanted to know. Emily nodded.

"It's been a big learning experience. For both of us." Emily's eyes drifted off towards Ricky. "I think we got to see things in a different light. And each other too, probably." She swallowed and the look in her eyes changed. "But I don't ever want to see Grandpa George like that again. That grief…"

Sharon knew what her daughter meant. She had seen grief many times. She knew what it looked like. "He had you and Ricky to support him."

"Finding her like that…" Emily's voice broke and the tears fell without warning. "She just looked so…" She couldn't finish that sentence and wiped at her eyes. "I don't know how you do it, Mom. How do you surround yourself with death every day? I don't think I ever want to see death again."

"I'm so sorry honey," Sharon whispered and reached up to wipe the tears away from Emily's face. "I'm so sorry."

Rusty and Ricky returned with their drinks and had just set the cups down when Emily turned towards her mother and collapsed against her. Tears streamed down her face as she sobbed uncontrollably. Momentarily panicked, Sharon wrapped her arms around her daughter and pulled her closer, stroking her hair the way she used to when she was a little a girl. She looked towards her boys, both wide eyed with alarm.

Ricky knew Emily had been holding back throughout their entire stay in Indiana. She'd seemed almost too in control the morning she discovered their grandmother's body and although she had cried, she had tried very hard to remain calm and focused as she helped their grandfather organise the funeral. He hadn't been able to handle his own emotions as well as Emily had and she'd carried some of the responsibility for the both of them.

Ricky glanced around the coffee shop nervously for a moment before moving closer to his mother and sister. He moved to put a hand on his mother's shoulder and leaned over a little to kiss her on the top of her head whilst at the same time, blocking them from view with his body, allowing them a little bit of privacy. Sharon let her head fall back against Ricky and tightened her grip on her daughter. Ricky stood quietly, stroking his mother's hair with one hand, and nervously wondering what to do with the other. He smiled apologetically at the few customers that had glanced in their direction and then he let his gaze focus on Rusty, who looked most uncomfortable as he sat at the table, trying desperately to give his mother and sister privacy without actually walking away and leaving them.

Sharon held Emily until she stopped shaking and the tears were no longer falling as fast. When her daughter finally looked up Sharon's heart broke at the sight of pure grief in her eyes and she realised in that moment, just how much her children had struggled in the last week. She softly kissed Emily on her cheek and took her hand. "It's going to be OK," she promised as her thumb stroked the back of Emily's hand. "It'll take a while but I promise it's going to be OK."

Sharon looked around for a rest room and when her eyes fell on one just outside the coffee shop, she encouraged Emily to stand and come with her to wash her face and freshen up.

When Sharon and Emily returned to the table Ricky moved his chair to sit closer to his mother and pushed Emily's drink towards her. They shared a look in a way Sharon guessed they had done a lot of in recent days. She sipped at the coffee Ricky had gotten for her. She still held Emily's hand but when she put her cup down she reached for Ricky's too.

"I am so proud of the two of you," Sharon said, her voice thick with tears. "So incredibly proud."

Seeing her children helped. She could see with her own eyes that they were OK even though they were struggling. She knew they would be for a little while longer but eventually this would just become another life experience for them.

Two and a half hours was not long enough and when the time came for Emily to head back to the check in desk, Sharon didn't want her to leave. Ricky's flight was half an hour later but he decided to check in at the same time as Emily, in an effort to lessen the pain his mother would surely feel at having to say goodbye twice. Sharon walked in between her children, each of them holding her hands like they were three and six again. The idea that she would soon have to let go was almost too much for her to bare.

She hugged them for as long as possible, kissed them both twice and breathed in the scent of their hair in an attempt to soak up as much as she could. The tears stung behind her eyes as she watched Emily check in for her flight followed by Ricky. They both turned around and waved and Ricky blew her a kiss before they disappeared around the corner in the direction of security. Sharon suddenly found herself feeling lost and alone. Not even the touch of Rusty's hand on her arm or him calling her name could change that and she swallowed hard, the tears now threatening to spill.

Sharon went to the ladies' room before they left the airport and while he waited, Rusty took his phone and typed a message. _Sharon's having a rough morning. Is there anything we can do to cheer her up?_ He hit send and let the phone slide back into his pocket. By the time Sharon returned he'd felt it vibrate with an answer but he didn't check it until they had reached the car and Sharon had gotten in.

Rusty drove his mother home. They barely spoke and listened mainly to the radio. Rusty didn't know what to say. What could he say?

"I'm glad I got to see them," Sharon said softly when they were about three blocks from the condo. "It means a lot." She looked at Rusty. "Thank you for helping set it up."

"I only woke you up in time to get to the airport," Rusty answered. "It was all their idea."

Sharon just put her hand on his knee. She didn't answer.

When they stepped off the elevator and walked down the corridor to the condo, it was Rusty who noticed the person sitting on the floor outside the door first. Sitting in the lotus position with her dress fanned out over her knees, Brenda was playing on her phone, but looked up when she heard footsteps approach. Her eyes briefly met Rusty's when she saw he eyed up the bag at her feet and flashed a smile.

"Hey," Sharon said when she reached Brenda. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I was just in the neighbourhood," Brenda quickly replied after a quick jerk of the head from Rusty, indicating he didn't want Sharon to know he'd asked Brenda to come round. "I was about to leave, actually. This floor wasn't made for sittin' on." She rubbed her lower back and grinned. "Or maybe I'm just gettin' old."

Sharon unlocked the door and Rusty helped pull Brenda to her feet before he stepped into the condo and disappeared into his bedroom. Brenda hesitated and looked at Sharon. She could see what Rusty meant. Sharon looked tired and the redness around her eyes betrayed that she'd been crying. Worry settled in Brenda's chest. She didn't like the idea of Sharon crying.

"Listen, if you'd rather I go home then that's fine," Brenda said. She already patted the pockets of her white sweater looking for her car keys. "I don't wanna intrude."

"No, it's fine," Sharon smiled and closed the door after Brenda had entered.

Brenda followed Sharon through the condo's living room into the kitchen and leaned against the counter whilst watching Sharon get glasses from the cupboard. She turned around to look at Brenda and found herself momentarily mesmerized by the light blue dress the blonde was wearing. It wasn't like anything she'd ever seen Brenda wear before. It was more stylish, and tightly fitted around her chest whilst fanning out around her waist. The only thing that made the dress stand out was the ribbon across Brenda's waist. She'd finished the dress off with a simple white cardigan and white ballet flats.

"Is everything alright?" Brenda carefully inquired when the silence between her and Sharon lasted too long.

"It's been a long week," Sharon sighed. "I got to see my children for two precious hours this morning and I thought that would make me feel better but… It hasn't." She opened the fridge before realising she hadn't asked Brenda what she wanted to drink and turned back to look at her. "Juice? Water?"

"Water's fine," Brenda answered. "Where did you see Emily and Ricky?"

"At the airport. They both flew in to LAX before catching connecting flights. Emily even flew in the wrong direction altogether. I know they did it as much to see if I'm ok as for me to see that they're alright but I wish I had gotten to see them a little bit longer."

Sharon handed one of the glasses to Brenda just as Rusty rounded the corner and Brenda looked at him.

"Can you bake?" she asked him and Rusty's eyes lit up.

"I can cook."

"Oh but baking's different. Baking is science. You have to get everything exactly right or it'll be a disaster."

Rusty rolled his eyes. "Oh-Kay." He didn't sound convinced. "How hard can it? It's just some flower, sugar, eggs and butter."

"It is so much more than that," Brenda retorted and pursed her lips. "Why don't we find out?"

Rusty grinned. "You're on. But what are we going to make?"

"Cupcakes," Brenda declared triumphantly.

Sharon watched the interaction with an amused smile. Brenda emptied the bag she had brought with her and organised all the items needed for baking on the kitchen counter. She seemed to have thought of everything, down to the muffin tray to put the cupcakes in. Rusty took two bowls from the cupboard next to the oven, fetched some wooden spoons from a drawer and then joined Brenda who was now measuring out the required weights.

Sharon sat down at the breakfast bar and checked her phone. There were no messages which she considered to be a good thing. It meant that the case her division was working hadn't thrown up anything unexpected. She put the phone down, rested her chin in her hand and watched as Rusty and Brenda began adding the various items to their bowls. Rusty said something about cracking eggs but most of what he said was drowned out by Brenda laughing.

"You gotta keep stirrin' it," Brenda encouraged Rusty. "You don't want lumps in it." She looked over her shoulder at Sharon. "You're tellin' me he's never done this before?"

"He can cook but I've never seen him bake," Sharon smiled. "But there's a first time for everything."

"Hey, I'm still here!" Rusty interrupted, causing Sharon to laugh out loud. "And I've only never baked because you never taught me."

"And now you're stuck with me," Brenda nudged him with her elbow. "Come on, put some effort into it."

"Yeah yeah," Rusty shook his head. "Gees, I don't know whose worse. You or her."

Sharon observed the way Brenda and Rusty worked together. They had a great dynamic. Rusty had spent a lot of time with Brenda recently and she was grateful that the blonde had been around. Not just because she'd been a help to Sharon but also because she'd been there for Rusty. It was almost strange to see the change in Brenda. It seemed that the time away from LA had done her some good.

"Ok, that should do it." Brenda's voice roused Sharon from her thoughts. "Now, put those little paper cups in the tray and if you're lucky I'll let you lick the spoon when we're done."

"But it's raw egg!" Rusty protested.

Brenda cocked an eyebrow. "Never did me any harm."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," Rusty joked and Brenda playfully swiped at him but he ducked.

She showed Rusty the easiest way to spoon the cake mixture into the small cups without making too much mess and once finished, handed him the spoon. He pulled a face but then licked some of the mixture off anyway. At the breakfast bar Sharon smiled and when Brenda turned to give her a spoon too, she happily accepted. It had been a long time since she'd done this and for a moment she relived the times spent in the kitchen when Emily and Ricky were little. They'd make cupcakes and bake cookies and her children would always fight about who would lick the spoon.

"Put them in the oven," Brenda instructed Rusty and he did what she asked before taking all the utensils to the sink to rinse them off.

"So I can expect more cake from now on, Rusty?" Sharon arched an eyebrow in amusement when Rusty had finished putting everything in the dishwasher and turned around.

He grinned. "Don't get your hopes up. You haven't tried them yet."

Sharon turned to Brenda and found the younger woman looking at her. Brenda saw that Sharon's green eyes had brightened and the brunette then smiled. "Thank you for coming. I suspect Rusty had something to do with that?"

Brenda felt her cheeks redden and beside her, Rusty pulled at the sleeves of his shirt. It seemed that his secret attempt to cheer his mother up wasn't so secret after all. Brenda nodded, knowing full well that there was no point in denying it. "He texted me from the airport."

Sharon appreciated Rusty's attempt to try and make her feel better. She knew the last week had been hard on him too and he'd done his best to make things easier for her. There was never a day that this boy didn't amaze her. After everything he'd been through, the things he had faced, he still went out of his way to show kindness to others. She was more proud of him than she could ever tell him and this week had only strengthened that feeling. He'd guided her through her grief without asking for anything in return.

The longer Sharon looked at Brenda, the more she realised the latter was not just true of her son.

"I'm glad you're here," Sharon said softly. "Thank you, Brenda."

"You may change your mind once you taste those cakes," Brenda smiled but inside her stomach did a double flip.

"Who's' hungry?" Rusty made his way over to the fridge and opened it. He spotted the rest of the eggs. "I can make omelettes."

Brenda shot Sharon a look and the older woman nodded. "You should let him. He makes amazing omelettes."

Rusty went about cracking the eggs and chopping up some other ingredients and Brenda circled her way around the breakfast bar and climbed on the stool next to Sharon's. Together they watched as Rusty cooked. The atmosphere in the kitchen was relaxed and when Brenda looked at Sharon from the corner of her eye, she saw that Sharon was looking at her too. They shared a smile and then Rusty swore because he burnt his finger and Sharon told him off before laughing.

The cupcakes were finished just as Rusty served the omelettes and Brenda took them out of the oven. They looked alright, she decided, and she left them on the side to cool. She joined Sharon and Rusty at the dining table and after tasting a mouthful of the omelette, she had to admit that Sharon was right. Rusty's had done a great job. He looked up at her with a smug smile and Brenda tried to kick him under the table but missed, hitting the leg of his chair instead.

They didn't get up when they'd finished eating, ignoring the dirty plates that Brenda had piled up in the middle of the table. Rusty told them about one of his classes and Sharon poured some more water into their glasses from the jug she'd put on the table. Brenda then shared a story about her time in Washington, which was really the first time that the subject had come up in conversation. When Rusty asked her about some of the government buildings, Brenda answered that maybe she would take him there one day.

Rusty hopefully looked at Sharon and she just smiled. He was so excited. There was no way she could deny him a trip to Washington.

"Maybe for your twenty-first birthday," she suggested and Rusty's eyes lit up. "Something to think about, hmm?"

"I don't need to think about it. I want to go."

Brenda shot a sideways glance at Sharon, aware that her cheeks suddenly felt a little warm. The brunette looked back at her. Sharon arched an eyebrow in amusement and noticed the glint in Brenda's brown eyes.

"Well, what do you say? Do you think you can manage showing Rusty and I around Washington?"

Brenda grinned. "I suppose I could try."

The knock on the door was unexpected and it ended the conversation rather abruptly. Rusty got up to answer and Sharon followed him with her eyes until he disappeared around the corner. She heard the door open, heard Rusty say 'hi' and then two sets of footsteps approached the kitchen. Andy came around the corner and Sharon smiled when she saw him.

"Andy."

She stood up to greet him and wrapped her arms around him as Andy carefully pulled her into an embrace. He kissed her cheek and Sharon's eyes closed. When he let go of her he realised there was someone else in the kitchen.

"Chief!"

"Just Brenda will do," Brenda smiled and she stood up to shake Andy's hand. There was a moment of hesitation from her part but then she accepted his hand. "Good to see you again, Lieutenant."

"Just Andy will do," he joked. He looked from Sharon to Brenda and back, took in the dirty plates on the table, the glasses and the state of the kitchen. "What brings you here?"

"Rusty wanted to learn how to bake cupcakes," Brenda quickly answered. She couldn't quite identify the emotion that crept up inside her when she saw how Andy's hand caressed Sharon's lower back. She turned away and met Rusty's eyes. He jerked his head towards the balcony and she nodded.

"We'll leave you two to talk." She went to file past Sharon and Andy but then changed her mind and turned back around. Her eyes briefly held Sharon's. "Leave the plates, Sharon. I'll do it later."

Brenda then followed Rusty out onto the balcony and closed the door behind them.

She leaned against the railing and looked down at the street below. The streets were quiet and she found herself staring at a guy who was walking his dog. A lively little thing, with floppy ears. She waited for Rusty to join her and then turned to look at him. She wondered for a moment if he felt as uncomfortable as she did. From the way he clutched the railing Brenda guessed he did.

"I called Sophie this morning."

Rusty stared at her, let the words sink in. They had agreed Brenda would call but not when she would do it. He'd thought about asking her but then decided against it just as quickly. He'd decided to wait for Brenda to mention it but now that she had spoken to his sister it changed everything. He still had so many questions. Was he doing this for himself or for Sophie? What was she hoping to achieve? And what did he expect to find?

"What did she say?" he asked, his voice small. "What did she sound like?"

Brenda glanced over her shoulder in the direction of the living room. Sharon and Andy were sitting on the couch together. Andy was talking to Sharon but Sharon was looking at them. There was something about the way she was watching them that told Brenda Sharon's attention wasn't fully with Andy and she looked back at Rusty. He wasn't looking at her, kept his eyes firmly focused on the railing.

"She sounded nice," she answered. "Soft spoken, polite."

"Did she…. Did she ask about me?" Rusty looked up now and Brenda could see the fear in his eyes. She couldn't even imagine what he felt like in this moment.

"She did," Brenda smiled. "And she said she understood that you need time to process what happened. I explained to her that I was a friend and that you asked me to call her. She asked how you were but she didn't ask too many questions." She turned around and now leaned with her back against the railing. She was careful not to look through the window into the living room. "Rusty, she said that if you're not ready then she's happy to wait. She doesn't want to do anythin' you're not ready for."

Rusty chewed his lip. "I… I didn't know if…." He struggled to find the right words. "If she'd be like my mother." Another pause. "Our mother."

"You can't tell much from a phone call, Rusty. Some things you just have to find out in real life." Brenda watched the boy and saw both the excitement and worry in his eyes and she fitted the pieces together. "You haven't told Sharon yet, have you?"

"No. It's not the right time. I don't want her to have to worry about something else. I can tell her once we know for sure that Sophie's…." Rusty swallowed. "Once we know everything's alright."

"She said she wants to meet you. But only when you're ready. "

Rusty didn't make eye contact. "I'd like that. Eventually."

They stayed out on the balcony for a little while longer but soon enough Rusty suggested they go back inside. Brenda opened the door and stepped back into the living room first and waited for Rusty to follow. It was then that she noticed Sharon leaning against Andy and the lieutenant covered his lips with his finger, indicating they had to be quiet. Brenda froze, felt something cold settle in her chest, but beside her Rusty just smiled. Sharon was asleep against Andy's chest, his arm wrapped around her shoulder. Strands of dark hair had fallen in her face and Andy had removed her glasses, leaving them on the arm rest of the couch.

"Is she ok?" Rusty mouthed and Andy nodded.

"Just tired."

Brenda finally regained feeling in her legs, tore her eyes away from Sharon's sleeping form and pushed Rusty in the direction of the kitchen. "We've got cupcakes to finish."

She tried to be quiet as she weighed the ingredients to make the icing and explained with a soft voice what she wanted Rusty to do. She felt tense and it didn't matter much how she moved, she couldn't shake the feeling. She even swore under her breath when she didn't quite get the measurements right and from the corner of his eye, Rusty looked at Brenda. Confusion filled his eyes.

"Brenda? You ok?"

"Yeah," Brenda lied. There was nothing she could do about the way her heart thundered heavy in her chest. Andy's presence in the condo left her feeling on edge, even though she knew that it wasn't rational. "I've done this a hundred times and I still screw up. I should know better by now."

She wasn't just talking about the icing.

Brenda let Rusty do the icing and after two rather messy attempts, he nailed the remainder of the cupcakes perfectly. She was impressed by how quickly he picked up the skill and when he'd finished, Rusty took a step back to admire the result and beamed from ear to ear.

"Well?"

"Perfect," Brenda smiled. "You did good, kid." She pointed at the spot where he had squirted some of the icing on the counter. "Better clean that up though. Wouldn't want your mom having a go at us for not cleaning her kitchen properly."

She left Rusty to clean the counter and fetched the dirty lunch plates from the dining table. It provided her with a view into the living room and she almost wished she hadn't. Sharon was still asleep and Brenda felt the sharp sting of jealousy before averting her eyes and picking up the plates. She carried them back into the kitchen, rinsed them off and put them in the dish washer. Rusty found one of the dishwasher tablets and switched the machine on.

"Want to watch some TV?" Rusty asked.

Brenda hesitated. Watching TV meant going into the living room, which meant seeing Sharon asleep on Andy. But she couldn't just leave. Not now. So she nodded. "Sure." She allowed herself a few more moments of feeling torn but then closed herself off, slid the mask back in place and took a deep breath. "Netflix?"

"Sure," Rusty agreed and went ahead into the living room. Brenda followed and sat back down in the arm chair where she had been seated before.

"Sharon said something about seeing Ricky and Emily this morning?" Andy said as Rusty reached for the remote.

"They flew into LAX," Rusty answered. He switched on the TV. "As a surprise. It wasn't very long but I think she was glad to see them."

"Did you do that?" Andy asked and Rusty nodded. Andy gave him the thumbs up. "Way to go, kid."

"How's the case going?" Rusty wanted to know.

"Slam dunk. Julio and Amy were taking a confession when I left," Andy answered. He looked at Brenda as his fingers threaded Sharon's hair. "It was fast but not quite as fast as some other confessions I've seen in my time."

Brenda smiled at the compliment and struggled not to focus too much on Sharon. "Thank you, Lieutenant." She realised her own mistake. "Andy." She tucked a curl behind her ear. "How's your daughter? Nicole?"

"She's great. She got married not too long ago."

"Congratulations," Brenda smiled. "I bet she made a beautiful bride."

Rusty was scrolling through the movie options on Netflix, settled on some kind of crime thriller and clicked play.

No one really talked but Brenda saw that Rusty and Andy shared the occasional look. They seemed to have built a good understanding and Brenda sensed that Rusty respected Andy and vice versa. She'd known Andy Flynn a long time and if someone had told Brenda back then that he would be dating Sharon Raydor, Brenda would have told them to get their head checked out. It seemed that Andy had grown up a little, had maybe found himself along the way. Her eyes came to a rest on Sharon. She looked peaceful as she slept. It was as if all the worries had just slipped away from her. Brenda suppressed a snort. If someone had told her a few years ago that she'd be in love with Sharon Raydor, she'd have laughed at them too.

But sometimes people were just wrong.

About halfway through the movie Brenda got up to make herself some tea and asked Rusty and Andy if they wanted anything. Sharon was still asleep. Rusty asked if she could bring him a soda and Andy just wanted water. Brenda went into the kitchen, poured Andy a glass of water, got Rusty a can and after switching on the kettle, carried the drinks back into the living room. She was about to head back to the kitchen when there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it," she said when she saw Rusty was about to stand up. She rose to the tip of her toes to look through the spy hole and her breath caught in the back of her throat.

"Shit."

Brenda opened the door and looked up into the face of Jack Raydor. He stared back at her, momentarily confused.

"Chief Johnson?"

"Not anymore. It's just Brenda now." Brenda held her hand on the door handle, even if she didn't know why.

She'd heard the stories about Jack Raydor. Brazen, tough and not the kind of guy who would take no for an answer. But the man standing on Sharon's doorstep right now didn't in any way remind her of those stories. He looked old beyond his years with dark circles around his eyes, his skin almost greyish and his hair messed up. His clothes were creased and she saw the small suitcase behind him. Her brain quickly added the pieces together and Brenda guessed he had come straight from the airport.

Jack looked up at Brenda. "Is Sharon home?"

"Yes," Brenda swallowed. She wasn't sure what to do next. "Yes, she's home but she's…uhmm…" She looked over her shoulder. "Rusty?"

Rusty came around the corner moments later. "What? This is like the best bit of the movie and..." He fell silent when he saw Jack. "Oh."

"Is your mother home, Rusty?" Jack asked.

"I'm not sure now is the right time, Jack," Rusty slowly said. "Sharon's asleep and I don't know if she would want me to invite you in." He felt bad for saying those words. Jack was subdued. He wasn't his usual loud and brazen self. It was almost as if someone had switched the light off inside his eyes. He turned to look at Brenda. The blonde seemed as confused as he was and after a few more moments of hesitation, he stepped aside and let Jack into the condo.

"Rusty? Who is it?" Andy called from the living room.

Rusty went ahead and Jack followed him. Brenda was last and fell a few steps back, not entirely sure about her place in this scene.

"Hello, Andy," Jack said and Andy's head whipped up.

He jerked as he went to stand, forgetting that Sharon was still asleep against him. The unexpected movement startled her. Her eyes snapped open and she let out a groan. From where she stood Brenda could see the confused look flash across Sharon's face.

"What are you doing here, Jack?" Andy demanded to know.

Jack watched as his ex-wife pushed herself up into a seated position and found her glasses on the armrest.

Sharon blinked a couple of times and tried to identify the source of the loud voices. She looked at Andy for a moment before focusing on the other people in the room. Eventually her eyes fell on Jack and she frowned.

"I want to speak to Sharon," Jack said.

"Well, she doesn't want to speak to you," Andy bit back. There was a hostility about him that Brenda had not often seen before. "Look, I get that you've had a rough week but I think you should just go. This is not the time."

Brenda was surprised at the amount of anger Andy's voice held. He sounded cold and distant.

"I think Sharon should be the one to make that decision, don't you?" Jack countered against Andy's argument.

"Right now I'm making that decision for her," Andy flared up.

Rusty stepped in in that moment. "Hey, Andy, calm down," he said, raising his hands. "Jack just wants to talk and he's right; if Sharon wants to talk to him than that's her decision. I wouldn't have let him in if I thought it was going to be a problem." He looked from Andy to Sharon. "Mom?"

"It's ok," Sharon said softly. She reached out towards Andy and he turned to look at her. "Andy, it's ok."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded. "I'm sure."

From across the room Brenda watched the scene unfold. She leant against Sharon's desk, hands pressed against the wood. Jack looked nothing like the man she had expected whereas Andy had suddenly transformed back into the man she had seen in the Murder Room for seven years. She felt like an outsider to this, like she shouldn't be part of it. This was something that involved the four other people in this room and Brenda knew she didn't really belong.

Sharon stood up and circled around the couch, approaching her ex-husband. "Jack, I'm so sorry," she whispered, reaching her arm out but not quite connecting. "I still can't believe this is happening."

In a flash Brenda saw how Sharon and Jack had once been as a couple. Even now, in this moment where they both had their own emotions, she could still see that Sharon cared deeply for her ex-husband despite his flaws.

"You were clearly not sorry enough to show up for her funeral though," Jack snapped unexpectedly. "Where were you, Sharon?"

Sharon recognised that anger. She had lived with it for many years. It was the anger of a man too overwhelmed by his own emotions to think rationally. "I couldn't leave and you know that," she countered. Her voice was soft, it had dropped about half an octave. "I was in court and a young woman relied on my testimony to see her killer brought to justice."

"And our children relied on their mother to be at their side! You weren't there when our children needed you!" Jack bit back.

"I wanted to be there. I tried so hard to make it happen…" Sharon's voice broke without warning and the tears began to fall. She felt all the anger, frustration and pain she had been holding onto reach the surface and then she cracked. She just couldn't hold it anymore. Green eyes filled with tears looked up at the man she had once intended to spend the rest of her life with.

"Where were you when Ricky broke his arm when he was seven? Or when Emily had her first dance recital? Where were you every Christmas morning when our children woke up without their father?!"

Jack stared at her, stunned. He had no answer to her questions. There wasn't one. There never had been one. There never would be.

"It was your mother who was there, Jack. It was Anne who tucked our children into bed at night, who taught Ricky how to tie his laces and who took Emily to ballet lessons because I had to work." Sharon sobbed. She struggled to get the words out, struggled to catch a breath. She reached to the back of the couch for support as the tears streamed down her face and everything she had kept locked up inside finally came out. It was like a dam had been broken. "She did it because you weren't there!"

"And now she's gone!" Jack thundered, tears now trickling down his face. His eyes were wide. "She's dead!"

"Don't you think I know that? I lost her too, Jack!" Sharon whispered, bitter tears lashing against her cheeks. "Don't you think I know that she's gone?! She meant everything to me and our children and I didn't get to say goodbye! I didn't get to say goodbye, Jack! Once again you got what you wanted and I got left picking up the goddamn pieces!"

"Sharon…" Jack took a step in her direction, reached out for her arm.

Sharon swiped at him, hit him across his forearm and Jack retreated. Across the room Andy stood up, started walking in Sharon's direction. Rusty stood nailed to the floor, unable to tear his eyes off his crying mother. Tears fell down his own face as Brenda watched silently. She couldn't find it inside herself to walk away. Something urged her to stay.

Sharon's sobs were heart breaking to hear and Brenda felt sick. The only other time she had seen grief this raw was when she'd stared at herself in the mirror on the morning of her own mother's funeral only that had been different. The grief Sharon felt wasn't just for the loss of the woman she loved and admired, but also for the life she had wished for herself and her children, for the husband she had wanted and then lost.

Jack approached Sharon a second time, as she stood leaning heavily on the couch, trying desperately to keep herself upright whilst her body heaved with sobs. Only he was more hesitant now, and called her name softly. She turned to him but it was almost as if she couldn't see him. Grief stricken and, for maybe the first time in her life, utterly lost, Sharon Raydor didn't know what to do next. When Jack reached for her arm and his eyes met hers, she let herself fall. Jack caught her, the same way he had the night they first met and she'd tripped over her own feet outside that bar. He caught her and he held her, gently brought her down to the floor as he sank down with her. She rested against him, her head against his shoulder. Her breath choked as her fingers dug deeply into his arms. She was heaving on her tears.

Andy moved to reach her but Rusty reached out first and silently stopped him. Whatever this was, this was something Sharon and Jack had to do together.

"We've really lost her, haven't we?" Sharon whispered. There was no malice in her voice now, just heart break and defeat. Her voice so soft that Jack could barely hear her. She curled into herself, clinging to Jack's arm as he cradled her almost childlike against his chest. "She's really gone."

"Yes," Jack answered, his voice hoarse. His tears fell into Sharon's hair. "She's gone and I don't know what we're going to do without her."

Sharon didn't answer but instead, she leaned in closer against him. He stroked her hair as slowly the tears became less violent and Sharon's rapid breathing became less frantic. She closed her eyes, surrendering herself to the feeling of finally being able to share her grief.

Brenda broke free from her spot in the room and walked up to Rusty. He was still crying. She wrapped her arms around him and gently led him to the couch, helped him sit down. Rusty leaned forward and held his head in his hands as the tears continued to fall Brenda sat beside him and soothingly stroked his hair, not unlike Jack was doing for Sharon. When she looked up at Andy however she saw the way his eyes had darkened and it alarmed her. She had seen that look before. Fritz had looked at her the exact same way when they saw each other at the courthouse the other day. The look of betrayal and hurt.

Silence lingered in the living room. No one spoke. Minutes ticked away and it wasn't until Rusty lifted his head that Andy moved too. He went to sit down in the arm chair but didn't look at Sharon and Jack. Rusty slowly got up, turned to look at Brenda almost as if to seek approval and she quietly nodded. He then rounded the couch and looked down at Jack and Sharon for a moment. Jack looked up at him and their gazes met. Rusty saw the most sincere eyes stare back at him and he just nodded.

"She's alright now," Jack promised. He was still stroking Sharon's hair but with his other hand he invited Rusty to come closer.

Rusty kneeled down next to his mother and Sharon's eyes slowly opened. She saw him but didn't react straight away. He reached out and lay his hand gently on his mother's back, careful not to startle her further and slowly began to rub small circles or reassurance. He wanted to give Sharon the chance to come back to herself before she had to move.

Once he was sure she was fully present, Rusty circled her wrist with his hand, placed his other hand under her elbow and gently pulled her up. It was enough to encourage Sharon to support herself and she slowly stood. Her legs were weak and wobbly, her body beaten and tired and her throat dry and sore. Rusty continued to hold her hand as he helped her to her feet. Sharon took a deep shaky breath and looked sadly at her son. Across the room Andy stood up and quietly approached.

He and Rusty shared a look and Andy reached to touch Sharon. He didn't quite make contact with her but it was enough for Sharon to notice him and she turned towards him. Carefully Andy reached out again and this time his fingertips ghosted over the bruising on Sharon's tear stained cheek. He brushed some of the strands of hair aside and tucked them gently behind her ear. Sharon's eyes momentarily fluttered shut.

"Rusty, could you please get me a glass of water?" Sharon barely whispered as she reached to adjust the glasses on her face.

Reassured that Andy was now supporting his mother, Rusty quickly moved into the kitchen to get the water she had requested. He came back into the living room to find Andy with his arm wrapped around Sharon's shoulder, his lips close to her ear as he softly whispered soothing words. Rusty handed Sharon the glass and with shaky hands she accepted it and took several small sips before handing the glass back to him.

Brenda bit down on her tongue so hard she could taste blood in her mouth. She wanted to touch Sharon, be the one to comfort her, but she was cruelly aware that this was not her place. In the grand scheme of things, she had no place in all of this and her eyes drifted to Jack still in his position on the floor. From the way he looked up at his ex-wife Brenda realised they had one thing in common; they both loved Sharon, even if they both felt it in very different ways.

"She should rest," Andy told Rusty. There was concern in his voice. "Are you alright to take her?"

Rusty nodded yes and after placing the glass on the side table, he reached for his mother's hand and gently guided her down the hallway towards the bedroom.

Andy watched, almost defeated, and Brenda noticed how his shoulders had slumped, like someone had suddenly dropped the weight of the world on them. When he turned around and found Brenda looking at him, she couldn't identify what she saw reflecting in his eyes.

"OK," Andy said and turned to Jack who was still on the floor. He reached out a hand and Brenda was surprised to see that Jack accepted. Andy pulled the other man to his feet and the look they shared made Brenda a little nervous. . "Come on, Jack. Let's go."

Brenda watched the two men in alarm. She wasn't sure Andy taking Jack anywhere was a good idea. Not after seeing the way the lieutenant had looked at Sharon's ex-husband when he first entered the condo.

"Go? Go where?" she asked.

"A meeting," Andy solemnly answered. Brenda instantly knew that he meant AA. "That's what he needs right now." He patted Jack on the back before looking back at Brenda. "I'm going to take him to one and drop him off at a hotel. Can you stay with Sharon, Chief?"

She nodded. "Of course."

Brenda watched as Andy led Jack out of the living room. Moments later the front door closed and Brenda found herself alone.


	17. Chapter 17

Rusty sat on the bed and let his fingers run through his mother's hair. Sharon lay curled up on her side, her back turned towards him. She hadn't said anything since coming into the bedroom and Rusty hadn't wanted to leave her; it felt wrong to just close the door after what had happened and so he sat with her, silently, and listened to the sound of his mother's breathing.

Sharon wanted to say something. She wanted to tell Rusty she was sorry he had to see that, she wanted to reassure him she was alright, but she didn't have the strength to find the words. She felt empty, like all the energy had been drained from her body and her mind had been left in a mess. Echoes of her own voice shouting at Jack alternated flashbacks of Emily and Ricky when they were children before blurring into Rusty's face in the days he had just come to live with her.

"It's OK," Rusty said when he felt Sharon's body tense up. "You don't have to say anything."

Sharon stared at the wall, her eyes sore and puffy, and tried to focus on her breathing and the touch of Rusty's hand. There were moments where she wished he didn't feel the need to take care of her because it only added to her guilt but at the same time she appreciated this was the kind of relationship they had. She'd never meant for him to see what happened today. She hadn't even expected it of herself, didn't know she was capable of reacting like that. "I'm sorry." Sharon whispered through silent tears. She wasn't sure Rusty had heard her, but she felt she needed to say it anyway.

She reached back over her shoulder in search of Rusty's hand, and he held tight. The contact was grounding and Sharon felt her body begin to relax.

Rusty sat with his mother for a little while longer until her slow and steady breathing told him that she was asleep. He stood up quietly, covered Sharon with the throw from the end of the bed and exited the bedroom, closing the door behind him. He went back into the living room and was surprised to find Brenda coming out of the kitchen, glass of water in hand.

"I didn't know you were still here," he said when he saw her.

Brenda flashed a smile. "Andy asked me to stay and look after Sharon." She cocked her head. "How is she?"

"Asleep," Rusty answered flatly. He sank down on the couch and cradled his head in his hands.

"And you?" Brenda carefully asked and made her way around the couch. "How are you?"

Rusty looked up and Brenda saw the sheer panic again. "What just happened?" he wondered. The tears welled up in his eyes and he fought to hold them back. "I've never…. I've never seen her like this."

"Grief," Brenda explained. "It has many different faces, Rusty. And it shows itself in many different ways." She stopped as the events replayed themselves inside her head. The way Sharon had collapsed into Jack's arms haunted her. She covered Rusty's hand with her own and squeezed it. "I think seeing Jack triggered something inside her. They have a lot of history, don't they?"

"Uh huh," Rusty nodded. "But I don't think Andy liked what happened."

Brenda was certain Andy didn't like it but she also knew that it wasn't up to him to decide how Sharon handled her emotions. "He'll understand eventually," she said, hoping it was true. She gave Rusty a sideways glance. "Anyway, he took Jack to a meeting so unless someone calls to say Andy's killed him, I think they're going to be alright. Sharon will probably be asleep for a while. Do you want to order a pizza and finish that movie?"

Rusty smiled at that suggestion. "Can we try the cupcakes first?"

Brenda chuckled and let go of his hand. "Sure," she smiled. "Go get them. I definitely think we should see how they turned out."

Rusty brought the cupcakes into the living room and after a tentative first bite decided that they weren't bad at all. They ate two each before ordering the pizza and then Rusty picked up the TV remote and clicked 'play'. The movie started again and Brenda occasionally looked at Rusty from the corner of her eye. She could see why Sharon had grown to love him as much as she did. He was a good kid.

Rusty hadn't noticed that Brenda had followed him and Sharon to the bedroom and she'd hovered in the doorway for a few minutes, watching as he helped his mother get comfortable on the bed and stroked her hair. The way he whispered to her, the way Sharon seemed to relax under his touch, had made Brenda's eyes well up and she'd turned away to give them the privacy they deserved. Whatever it was that the moment with Jack had broken inside of Sharon, Rusty was slowly helping to put it back together again.

It was nice to just hang out with Rusty. They talked about school and about work and Rusty carefully inquired if Brenda had seen Fritz at all before moving on to other subjects. They didn't talk about Sophie and Brenda guessed that although Rusty wanted to make contact, he wasn't ready to talk about how it affected him just yet. So instead he talked about the movie he'd seen the other night with Gus and Brenda smiled at the realisation that Rusty finally had the opportunity to be like everyone else.

The movie had almost finished when the pizza arrived and Brenda insisted she paid for it. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was beginning to set, painting the sky in vivid shades of orange, yellow and red. She lingered for a moment by the balcony doors before sitting down on the couch next to Rusty. He'd gotten them a couple of sodas from the fridge and opened the lid of the pizza box. The smell of cheese and pepperoni was overwhelming and Brenda's stomach growled. She laughed when Rusty shot her a look.

"That is awful," he said.

Brenda picked up a slice and took a bite. She wiped away the grease as it dripped down her chin and Rusty laughed out loud.

"Shut up," she said. "Just eat it."

*

Sharon woke to the sound of her phone ringing in her pocket and she opened her eyes. Her bedroom was dark and she needed a few moments to remember how she had ended up here. She remembered Jack and the confrontation in the middle of the living room in front of everyone and she groaned as she reached for her phone. She saw Emily's picture flash across the screen and answered.

"Hey honey."

"Hi, just calling to let you know I made it safely back to New York and I just walked into my apartment," Emily said. Sharon heard the sound of keys being dropped in a bowl. The next thing she heard was a window being opened.

"Did Dad come to see you?" Emily wanted to know. "He said he would."

"He did," Sharon answered. She wiped some hair out of her eyes. "He didn't stay long." There was no point telling Emily what had really happened. She would only worry. And there was nothing her daughter could do anyway. "What time is your flight tomorrow?"

"Eleven am or something like that," Emily answered. "We're flying directly to Milan."

"I know you're going to be fantastic," Sharon told her daughter. "Have a safe flight."

"I love you," Emily said and the call ended.

Sharon left her phone on her bedside table and made her way to the living room. She heard the sound of the TV mixed with the sound of voices and when she came in she was surprised to see Rusty and Brenda sitting on the couch together, a half-eaten pizza left in the box between them, and four soda cans on the coffee table.

Brenda heard Sharon first and she quickly sat up. "Sharon, hi."

Rusty's head whipped around. "Mom!"

Sharon observed the hesitant look on her son's face, the way he instantly grew fidgety and looked away to avoid her gaze. She moved further into the living room and made her way over to stand directly in front of Rusty. She motioned with her hands for him to stand up and he did as he was asked.

When he was on his feet Sharon wrapped her arms around him and held on tight. He went stiff in her arms but slowly began to relax, his own arms coming up to circle his mother and for the longest moment they both just stood in silence, safe in the comfort of each other's embrace.

"I'm going to be OK, Rusty. Everything is going to be OK," Sharon soothed into Rusty's ear as she stroked his hair like she had done to Ricky when he was a little boy. She wanted to take some of his anxiety and his fear away. She was his mother. It was her job to make him feel better, not the other way around.

"I know," Rusty whispered. "I know."

Sharon's eyes then singled out Brenda. "I didn't know you were still here."

"Andy asked me to stay," Brenda explained. She didn't say anything else, knowing that Sharon understood that Andy had wanted Brenda to keep an eye on her. She shifted in her seat, wiped her hands along her shirt. "How are you feelin'?"

"Different," Sharon answered. She sat down in the arm chair and looked at Rusty. She knew she owed him an explanation. She had to do something to try and take away the worry and fear she knew he felt. "Rusty, what happened earlier…"

"You're grieving," he interrupted her and their eyes locked. "I understand, Mom."

"Jack and I have a complicated relationship. I know you know that," Sharon said. The words were more intended for Brenda. "But in that moment I think he was the only one who really understood what I was feeling. As difficult as it is to understand, sometimes it's the people of whom you least expect it who seem to know better than anyone else." Green eyes drifted towards Brenda. The blonde didn't look back. "Jack happened to be that person today."

She looked around the room, half expecting to see Andy emerge from the kitchen. "Where is he? Where's Jack? And Andy?"

"Andy offered to take Jack to a meetin'," Brenda answered. She wasn't sure if either of them would come back. It was probably best if they didn't. She focused on Sharon, fully aware that the older woman was looking back at her. Their gazes locked. "Can I get you anythin'? A drink, maybe?"

Sharon glanced at the half finished pizza and reached to pick up a slice. She wasn't exactly a pizza fan, it was more Rusty's thing, but she didn't object to the odd slice. It was as if her body craved the grease right now and when she bit into the double cheese and pepperoni topping, another one of Rusty's choices, Sharon actually enjoyed it.

Rusty excused himself to go to the bathroom and Sharon watched as he walked away. She noticed the way he quickened his pace, as if he sensed she was watching him, and the bathroom door closed maybe a little louder than usual. Sharon let out a sigh and looked down into her lap.

"I wish he hadn't seen that."

"I understand," Brenda said. "But he's a smart kid, Sharon. He figured it out. He understands grief is a difficult emotion to navigate." She shifted towards the edge of her seat. "I must confess to not knowin' anything about her but I gather Anne meant a great deal to you."

"She is the sole reason my children turned into the wonderful human beings they are today. I couldn't have done it without her. When Jack left…" Sharon swallowed and peered up at Brenda through her eyelashes. They'd never really talked about Jack. It just wasn't the kind of conversation Sharon would start easily and the tentative friendship she and Brenda had built years ago wasn't the kind that discussed things like this. But things were different now and Brenda was looking at her with those big brown eyes.

"They are not just great kids because of Anne," Brenda reminded Sharon. "They are great kids because of you."

"Anne became the other parent. She became my parent," Sharon explained. "And it was only because of her that I got to give Emily and Ricky the things that Jack took away from them." She ran her fingers through her hair. "He's not a bad man, Jack. He's a difficult man. But I loved him once and I thought he'd make the best father this world had ever seen."

Sharon shook her head. The memory of a young Jack, the man she had fallen in love with, was clear as day in her mind. It had been his eyes she'd been drawn to first. Those bright, boyish eyes and the charming personality. He'd always had a way with words and said all the right things, told her everything she wanted to hear. She'd fallen head over heels for him and it was only later, much later, that she got to see the other side of him.

"The disappointment in my children's eyes is something I'll never be able to forgive him for. I forgave him for the hurt he caused me and eventually I learnt to see through his challenging ways…" Sharon swallowed. She'd never really told anyone about this side of her life with Jack before. "But he betrayed Emily and Ricky and that's something that can never be undone."

"You didn't divorce him until years later though?" Brenda asked softly. She'd heard the stories, or rumours was perhaps a better word.

"Oh, my being married to Jack was purely for selfish reasons. As a married woman with a ring on my finger it was easier to make my way up the ranks in the LAPD. Mind you, it was still hard but not as hard had I been divorced." Sharon's words were clear cut and lacked any form of hesitation. "When he came back to Los Angeles he caused a bit of a stir but in the end…" Sharon pressed the tips of her fingers together and the hint of a smile ghosted across her lips. "In the end I got exactly what I wanted out of him."

Brenda thought about that for a moment. Had she gotten anything she wanted out of Fritz? All she'd gotten was a life full of lies. She sat back and lay her arm across the couch's backrest. The bathroom door opened seconds after the sound of a toilet being flushed cut through the silence of the condo. She looked away, suddenly unable to look at Sharon. Her own divorce experiences were nothing like Sharon's. Sharon had gained something from her time as a married woman, had used it to her advantage in a way Brenda had not.

She thought back to what Sharon had said about Anne becoming her parent. It made her miss her own mother. Brenda still longed to hear Willie Rae's voice every day. Knowing that she never would again still hurt.

"What about your mother?" she asked without making eye contact. "Was she around when your children were little?"

"Our relationship is strained," was all Sharon said. "We're very different and I think sometimes it's best we don't see much of each other." It was clear Sharon wasn't prepared to go into it any further.

Brenda wanted to ask more, wanted to know more about Sharon and her family. There were so many things she didn't yet know about this woman. She'd gotten to know Sharon Raydor as a closed off woman so focused on the rules that Brenda had loathed her at first sight. Their relationship and friendship had grown over time and by the time Brenda had realised that Sharon was in her corner fighting to protect her throughout the whole Goldman ordeal, she'd felt guilty about being such a bitch when they first met.

The Sharon sitting here, the woman she saw right now, wasn't the same woman who had stood across from her in that hospital corridor years ago.

Rusty walked back into the living room and fell down on the couch next to Brenda. Sharon smiled at him before leaning over to pick up the remote and changing the channel. She flipped through two news broadcasts and one Dallas rerun before eventually settling on an art-type channel that showed a ballet performance of Swan Lake.

"I watched a movie about this once," Brenda said. "The one with Natalie Portman."

"Black Swan?" Rusty asked and snorted. "God, Sharon must've watched that one like ten times!"

Brenda had only seen it once but the movie had intrigued her. She looked at Sharon. "Ten times? Really?"

"It's a movie about ballet. What do you think?" Rusty answered.

"I think Rusty may be over-exaggerating a little," Sharon commented but smiled anyway. "But I have seen the movie a few times. But better yet, I've seen Swan Lake on stage. Emily was cast as Odette several years ago in New York. It is still my favourite performance." Something changed in her face. "One day I would love to see it performed at the Bolshoi Theatre in Moscow."

"I'd love to see Emily dance," Brenda said and felt her cheeks flush as she said it. Sharon's eyes focused on her. "You must be so proud."

"When she first asked to start ballet lessons, I thought it was a phase. Just something she'd do for maybe a year or so. But she kept on dancing and she was such a natural," Sharon said. "Sometimes when I saw her dance it was like catching a small glimpse of the past, even though she is so much better than I ever was."

Rusty's eyes widened. "You did ballet?"

"Yes," Sharon admitted and Brenda noticed the way her eyes lit up. "Never to Emily's level but I started when I was six. I stopped dancing just after I turned eighteen."

Brenda tried to imagine Sharon dancing, tried to imagine her slender frame as it moved light as a feather across the stage forming the most beautiful shapes. She knew ballet was gruelling on a dancer's body and she found herself admiring Sharon even more.

"Why did you stop?" Brenda asked, half expecting Sharon to say that she'd gotten pregnant or that it was at least somehow related to Jack.

"I broke two toes during rehearsals for Giselle. I couldn't dance for months and when I eventually tried, the fracture hadn't healed properly and I could no longer dance the way I once had." Sharon shrugged and heaved a sigh. She thought back to the last time she'd stood in the studio and had watched herself in the mirror as she danced. Back then she'd hoped to dance professionally, or at least semi-professionally, and dancing had been what she'd lived for. Losing it had felt like losing a little part of herself.

Brenda noticed the way Sharon's eyes briefly glassed over. She seemed miles away. When Sharon spoke again her voice was soft, like a whisper calling from a different time.

"In the aftermath of that disappointment I met Jack and the rest is history."

Brenda opened her mouth to say something but remained silent when Sharon stood up and walked to the little desk. She opened the bottom drawer and reached for something that was clearly pushed towards the back. When she found what she'd been looking for she returned to her seat and Brenda saw that in her hand Sharon held a pair of well-worn and weathered ballet shoes. They were a pale shade of pink and the pointe kind, the ones designed to allow dancers to dance on their toes for longer periods of time. The two ribbons on the shoes were well worn but still in good condition.

Rusty whistled through his teeth and curiously leaned in to his mother to inspect the shoes more closely. "You wore these?"

Sharon nodded and let the silk ribbon slide through her fingers. The shoes still smelt the same and it took her back to when she had last worn them. A day that had changed her life in many more ways than she could ever have envisioned. A sense of longing filled her voice when she said, "These were my last pair. I could never bring myself to throw them away."

"Do they still fit?" Rusty wanted to know but Sharon shook her head.

"My feet have changed shape."

"You should keep them somewhere else than the bottom drawer of your desk," Brenda suggested. Sharon looked up. "They deserve a more prominent spot in your house, Sharon."

Rusty nodded. "Brenda's right."

"Don't say that, she'll get used to hearing it," Sharon grinned. Brenda chuckled lightly and for a moment they just looked at each other and then Sharon looked away. Brenda's stomach did an unexpected double flip and she felt the familiar warmth of the butterflies, the way her heart rate quickened, and she mentally scolded herself, forcing herself to calm down.

They sat and talked for a while longer before Sharon announced that she was going to take a shower. She left Brenda and Rusty alone in the living room and once Rusty was sure his mother was out of hearing range he turned to Brenda.

"She seems better." He sounded hopeful.

Brenda couldn't bring herself to tell him that Sharon was most likely trying to put on a brave face in front of him. She also knew that Rusty just wanted his mother to feel better so she nodded. "She does."

Rusty's phone vibrated and he picked it up from the coffee table. "It's Andy," he said without taking his eyes off the screen. He read the text message. "He took Jack to a hotel after the meeting and he's asking how she is."

"Tell him she's still asleep," Brenda quickly answered. The last thing she wanted was for Andy to come back here if he knew Sharon was awake. Rusty shot her a puzzled look and she tried to smile. "I just don't think that seeing him right now would do her any good. I think it would be better we don't talk about what happened unless Sharon wants to."

"Are you sure?" Rusty hesitated. He knew Sharon didn't like lies.

Brenda nodded. "Yes, honey. I'm sure. I'm not sure Andy would understand."

"Because Jack is Sharon's ex-husband?"

"Because Jack is Sharon's ex-husband."

And because selfishly, Brenda just didn't want him around. There was no way she could make it any less horrible than it was. She didn't want him here.

"OK," Rusty nodded and began typing a message back.

Across the condo Sharon had closed the door to her bedroom behind her and walked into her en-suite. She stripped off, leaving her clothes in a pile on the floor, and switched on the shower. As she waited for the water to heat up she looked in the mirror and stared at her own reflection. Her bruises were fading fast now. Maybe another two or three days and there would hardly be anything left. She let her fingers ghost over the cut under her eye.

The images of what had happened earlier came flooding back and as she turned away from her reflection, Sharon caught a waft of Jack's favourite cologne on her hair. She fought back a sob and stepped into the shower, tilting her head back so the water rained down on her hair. The first thing she reached for was the shampoo and the familiar flowery scent washed away any remnants of her ex-husband. But it couldn't wash away the emotions that coiled inside her once again and it didn't take long for the tears to become laced with water before being washed down the drain.

After she switched the shower off, Sharon wrapped herself in a towel and padded back into the bedroom. She got dressed, brushed her hair and let it fall wet down her shoulders and back. Just as she was about to head for the bedroom door, someone knocked.

"Come in," she called and watched as Brenda carefully poked her head around the door.

"Hey," the blonde said. "I wasn't sure if you were out of the shower yet but I just wanted to say goodnight."

"Goodnight?" Sharon questioned, raising her eyebrows in confusion.

"I think I should leave you and Rusty to process," Brenda smiled. "I know Andy asked me to make sure you're alright but I don't want to intrude so…"

She went to close the door but Sharon called her back. "Brenda? Wait."

Brenda pushed the door open a little further now, clearly surprised. Her eyes drifted back to the bed. She had sat there only a few nights ago together with Sharon, had let her fingers dance over the older woman's skin. Her fingers tingled just at the memory and the back of her throat was suddenly dry. She looked back at Sharon.

"Yes?"

Sharon looked down at the floor. She wasn't ready for the silence that would engulf the condo as soon as Brenda left. She knew Rusty would take himself to his room and she couldn't blame him. He was probably worried and scared and needed time to understand what had happened. But the thought of being alone almost frightened Sharon.

"Do you think you…? I mean, could you stay? Just a little bit longer maybe?"

Brenda arched an eyebrow. She had not expected Sharon to ask her to stay. "Are you sure?"

Sharon quietly nodded and Brenda realised she meant it. So instead of leaving she held the door for Sharon and waited for the older woman to file past her into the hallway. Brenda's hand came to a rest on Sharon's lower back and like that, with Brenda supporting Sharon, they walked back into the living room. They walked closely together and only separated when they reached the couch. Sharon sat down first and because Rusty occupied the arm chair, Brenda sat down next to her.

Now that Brenda was staying Rusty didn't flee to his bedroom, just as Sharon had expected. He sat in the arm chair and chose another movie on Netflix.

After a feature length movie and two episodes of some comedy series Sharon had never even heard of but found mildly entertaining, it was closing in on midnight. They'd finished off several cans of soda between them as well as a pack of marshmallows, though the latter had largely been shared by Rusty and Brenda.

Rusty returned from taking the empty cans to the kitchen and went to put the remote on the TV stand before turning around to Sharon to say goodnight. He opened his mouth to speak but didn't say a word. His eyes were fixed on something next to Sharon.

Sharon turned to see what he was looking at and noticed to her surprise that Brenda, who had been bright and alert less than ten minutes ago, now lay asleep with her head on her arm and her legs half pulled up on the couch. Blonde curls had fallen into her eyes.

"Should we wake her?" Rusty asked.

Sharon shook her head. "Go get the pillow and blankets from the cupboard, Rusty."

He nodded and disappeared down the hall. Sharon got up and began switching off the lights. She left the lamp on the sideboard on to give Brenda some light should she wake up in the middle of the night and turned around when Rusty came back into the living room carrying two pillows and a blanket.

Sharon had dealt with plenty of sleeping people in her life to know that once a person was deeply asleep, they could be moved without them waking, so she carefully pulled Brenda's legs up onto the couch, then propped the pillows under her head. Brenda now lay on her side with her knees slightly pulled up and her left hand tucked under her head. She looked so peaceful and so young. Sharon covered Brenda with the blanket and her hand hovered over the younger woman's face for a moment before tenderly tucking a curl behind Brenda's ear. She looked at Brenda's face for just a few moments longer, struck by how beautiful she looked in the dim light, and then she averted her eyes and turned around.

She gave Rusty a kiss goodnight on his cheek just before he closed his bedroom door and walked down the hall to her own room. She left the door ajar just a little bit and after brushing her teeth, Sharon climbed into bed. She switched off the bedside light and lay with her hands folded underneath her head and stared up at the ceiling.

She lay awake for a little while and listened to all the familiar sounds of the condo before eventually drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

*

The first thing she noticed when she opened her eyes was that she wasn't in her own bed. The next thing she noticed was that the pillow she was sleeping on smelt just like Sharon and Brenda sat up with a jolt, momentarily confused. The blanket slipped away from her and landed on the floor. The living room was still dark but she could see the first rays of sunshine climb out over the horizon outside. She guessed it was about five o'clock and a quick glance at her phone screen confirmed her suspicions. 05.04 am.

Slowly Brenda sat up properly. The last thing she remembered was some bad joke in that stupid series Rusty had been watching last night. After that, her mind went blank. She ran her hands through her now tangled curls. Her clothes were creased and felt uncomfortable, she had a headache and her mouth tasted horrible. She craved a shower, a toothbrush and Tylenol.

She reached down for her purse and searched around for her keys. She found them behind the front zip. From the main compartment she took a small piece of paper and a pen and scribbled a note. She then stood up, neatly folded the blanket and placed it on top of the two pillows. She left the note on top of the blanket and with her keys in her hand, Brenda circled the couch and quietly made her way to the condo's front door. She stepped out into the hallway and let the door fall into its lock.

Sharon found the note Brenda had left her a couple of hours later when she came into the living room to check if Brenda was awake. She spotted the neatly folded blanket and picked up the small piece of paper. Brenda's handwriting was unmistakable.

_Thank you for letting me spend the night. I woke early and didn't want to disturb you. I'll call you later. Xxx_

Sharon stared at the three kisses Brenda had left, slipped the note into the pocket of her dressing gown and switched on the TV. She listened to the morning news as she made her morning coffee. She carried the mug back to the bedroom and got back into bed. Her phone screen lit up with a text message just as she was about to take a sip of coffee. It was from Andy.

_Good morning. Hope you're feeling better. I was wondering if you'd be up for a family dinner tomorrow. Nicole is in town and I'd like us all to get together. Let me know your thoughts and I'll set it up._

Sharon thought about Andy's suggestion for a moment. She liked Nicole and it would be good to get back to some kind of normalcy. Tomorrow she would go back to work, she would run her squad the way she always did and tomorrow night she would have Andy and Nicole over for dinner and things would slowly go back to being how they once were.

Sharon typed her reply to let him know she would love to have him and Nicole over and hit send. She then put the device down on her bedside table, picked up her coffee and leaned back into the pillows. She took small sips of the hot coffee and let the warm liquid heat her body up from the inside out.

She didn't get up again until she heard Rusty in the shower. She got dressed and met her son in the kitchen. She smiled when he looked at the couch and realised in disappointment Brenda was gone. She leaned against the kitchen counter and watched as Rusty poured himself a glass of orange juice and said, "How about a trip to the Grove today?"

Rusty spun around. "Really?"

"You've been saying for weeks you want to go," Sharon answered. "And I think that after everything that's happened, we both deserve something nice, don't you think?"

"I'm not going to argue with that," Rusty grinned. "So, I can buy those new headphones then, yeah?"

Sharon nodded. "Meet me at the front door in ten minutes and we'll talk."


	18. Chapter 18

Brenda pulled her legs up to her chest and was momentarily distracted by the bright pattern of purple cupcakes across her white pyjama pants. She'd bound her curls back into a messy ponytail and had thrown on the first sweatshirt she'd found after leaving the shower. It was old and probably should have been thrown away two years ago but it still felt comfortable and she'd never been good at throwing things away. She'd just finished painting her toe nails, just for something to do, and now looked down at the lit up screen of her phone.

She sighed and selected a number from her recent calls, pressed it and brought the device up to her ear. After two rings a woman's voice answered on the other side of the line.

"Hello?"

"Sophie?" Brenda asked, her heart pounding in her chest. The girl made an affirmative noise. "Hi, it's Brenda."

"Oh, hi!" Sophie sounded cheerful. "I wasn't expecting to hear from you so soon. Is everything alright?"

"Everything's fine," Brenda reassured her. "I just… I spoke to Rusty over the weekend and he would like to meet you. He's just a little unsure so I was hopin' that maybe we could meet somewhere neutral and make it easy for everyone involved? You can bring your grandparents, of course."

There was a moment's silence before Sophie spoke again.

"Wow. I didn't think he'd want to. I…. I don't want to pressure him into doing anything he's not ready for."

"I've gotta be honest and say that he could change his mind. Rusty has a lot goin' on at the moment," Brenda explained.

"I understand. I feel the same way. I never actually thought that I'd find out I have a little brother, let alone that he would be prepared to meet me. This must be very difficult for him."

Brenda was struck by how considerate Sophie sounded. She wasn't talking about what it meant for her or about what she wanted. Her main concern was Rusty. She didn't want to pressure him into anything, unlike many other people Rusty had met along the way. Brenda herself had been one of those people and even now that she and Rusty had built a different kind of relationship, that thought still made her uncomfortable.

"It must be difficult for both of you," she said. "Finding out there's a sibling out there you didn't know about… How do you grandparents feel about this?"

"They're excited. I'm excited. They want to meet him but they understand that it may take time."

"So, would it be possible for you to come to Los Angeles?"

"I can drive down," Sophie replied. "I could meet you at a mall or a restaurant? A public place. Safe for everyone."

"We could meet at the Grove, at the food court. Maybe…." Brenda mentally went through the days of the week in her head. She would have to speak to Rusty to make sure he was free but it couldn't hurt to make some arrangements in advance. "Thursday? Would that be OK?"

"Thursday's fine," Sophie answered. Brenda could hear the hint of nerves in the girls' voice. She felt nervous too. For Sophie and for Rusty but also because she was doing this without Sharon's knowledge.

"I'll text you nearer the time," Brenda said and fingered a stray curl that had fallen down the side of her face.

"Sounds good," Sophie replied. She paused for a moment. "And Brenda?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks for doing this."

"You're welcome," Brenda quietly answered and disconnected the call.

She leaned back against the couch after dropping the phone into her lap and covered her face with her hands. So many things about this felt wrong, but most of all she felt guilty about not telling Sharon.

She had only texted Sharon on Sunday and not spoken to her. After waking up on Sharon's couch Brenda had gone home, showered and went out for a run. It was something she hadn't done in a very long time, she couldn't even remember the last time she'd worn her running shoes, but as the adrenaline pumped through her veins and her muscles burnt, it felt like a relief to just be blowing off some steam. The tension seeped out of her body and when she finally reached the little fountain in the park after making her way round twice, completing five miles, she'd felt like a new person.

The remainder of her Sunday had been spent doing things like laundry and this morning she had finally folded the last lot away. She'd emptied and cleaned the fridge after throwing out most of the food, scrubbed the kitchen and emptied the trash. She had even vacuumed her entire apartment, got rid of any sweets wrappers that had accumulated on her bedside table and the floor and opened all the windows to let in some much needed fresh air. Then she'd gone grocery shopping and came home with four chocolate bars and without the fruit she'd planned to buy. She'd flipped through her divorce paperwork that she'd found in her mailbox on Friday and had left on the kitchen counter.

The fact that the words were right there in front of her printed in black and white, adultery, filled her both with self-loathing and relief. Signing the papers had felt like closing the final page to a very bad book but at the same time it marked the beginning of another one. And for the first time it dawned on Brenda that she had no real idea what she was supposed to do now.

She'd considered texting Sara but then, just before hitting send, she'd erased the message. What good was it going to do trying to connect with her ex-girlfriend? Sara wasn't exactly the talking type; their relationship had been mainly physical, which had suited Brenda just fine. And although being with someone would be nice, even just for one night, it just wasn't something she could do anymore.

She and Sharon had shared something quite intense over the last few days and Brenda felt honoured that Sharon had turned to her, had trusted her to be at her side. Seeing Sharon falling apart in her ex-husband's arms had been devastating and eye-opening at the same time and it had provided Brenda with a glimpse of a different side to Sharon, a side she'd never gotten to see before. It was a side she wanted to see more, wanted to get to know more.

She couldn't walk away from Sharon, even if there was a small part of her that felt she needed to because staying just meant letting herself get hurt again and again because Sharon didn't feel the same. She had been in love with the other woman for so long that it just felt natural to have her stomach tightened whenever Sharon smiled, to feel the desire to touch her, to kiss her, to feel her. It had become like a second skin that Brenda had gotten comfortable wearing. It wasn't like she ever expected Sharon to feel the same, or even that she expected herself to stop feeling it, but she wanted to be around Sharon and if being her friend was the only thing she was ever going to get then Brenda was prepared to accept that. Having Sharon as a friend was still better than not having her at all.

*

Mondays marked the start of a new working week for most people but for the Major Crimes Division it was usually just a continuation of whatever had happened over the weekend. And although they had not been called out, the phone rang first thing Monday morning and Sharon met the rest of her squad at the crime scene in the Hollywood Hills. At Provenza's warning she'd brought her boots and when she pulled her car up outside the yellow crime scene tape, Sharon was glad she had. It appeared the body had been dumped in something that looked a lot like a swamp.

"Meet Shawn McGuire," Provenza said when Sharon reached him. She wrinkled her nose at the smell of decomp mixed with rotting leaves and God knows what else.

"I'm sure Mr McGuire would have preferred we met under different circumstances," Sharon commented and watched as Kendall leaned over the body. "Any idea how long he's been here?"

"Too long for me to give you an accurate observation on anything, Captain," Kendall answered. "Plenty of insect activity so my roughest estimate would be two or three days. Maybe." He emphasised the last word. "Body's started to decompose, probably aided by the humidity and heat of the surrounding area. Doctor Morales will be able to give you a clearer answer."

Sharon crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at Provenza. "What about Mr McGuire's untimely ending makes this a Major Crime, Lieutenant?"

"At first glance, nothing. People are found in swamps all the time," Provenza smirked. "However, Mr McGuire here found himself on a watch list." There was a twinkle in his eye. "The FBI's been looking for him for some time."

"Don't think they've been looking very hard," Tao piped up. He held up the victim's wallet and flashed the driver's licence. "Address is just off Santa Monica Boulevard."

Sharon looked back at the body and watched as it was being pulled from the swamp and placed in the black body bag. "The FBI may have been the ones looking for him," she said as she followed the two assistants carrying the body bag with her eyes. "But somebody else found him."

They completed canvassing the crime scene and returned back to Parker Centre. Tao and Amy went out again to check the victim's home and Andy was in charge of the notification of Shawn McGuire's next of kin.

Sharon went down to the morgue later that afternoon to witness part of the autopsy and Morales confirmed that Shawn had been dead for approximately two days and that the cause of death was blunt force trauma to the head. He'd shaved the victim's head to reveal the extent of the injuries and Sharon was confronted by a skull that had been cracked in three different places. Now that the dirt had been washed from Shawn McGuire's face she noticed the extent of the bruising there too and she let a gloved hand ghost over her own healing injuries. They were fading day by day.

After leaving the autopsy room and shrugging herself out of the scrubs, Sharon ran into Provenza who had come down to the morgue looking for her. He clutched a file in his hand and gave it to her without saying something.

"Let's just say that our suspect pool is rather large." There was a darkness to his voice that alarmed Sharon and she opened the file.

"McGuire is a wanted paedophile?"

Provenza nodded. "And he had his skull bashed in. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy." Sharon shot him a warning look and he reluctantly sighed. "Apparently he's part of an online group of scumbags who share videos of young children on the dark web. The FBI discovered his identity a while back and were tracking his movements."

"You spoke to the FBI?" Sharon arched an eyebrow.

"I did," said another voice.

"Deputy Chief Howard." Sharon flashed a smile. "You spoke to the FBI?"

"I still have contacts and McGuire's crew have been on the FBI's radar for quite some time. When I heard what happened, I made a few calls." Fritz leaned against the wall, his eyes fixed on Sharon. "Case's all yours."

"Why thank you, Chief Howard," Provenza drawled. He knew full well why the FBI had handed over the case. It meant that the responsibility no longer lay with them. "Looks like we get to clean up the FBI's mess. Again."

"Lieutenant," Sharon intervened and fixed Provenza with one piercing glare. She understood his frustration but she couldn't let it rule him or anyone else. "I want you to contact the Agent currently working this case and get all the information you can." She then looked at Fritz. "If you could point us in the right direction, I'd appreciate that, Chief."

"Talk to Special Agent Susan Hamilton. She knows McGuire better than anyone," Fritz said and Provenza abruptly turned around and disappeared down the corridor.

"I swear he gets grumpier every day." Fritz shook his head.

Sharon ran a hand through her hair. "We all do."

She then looked at the man standing next to her. She had known Fritz Howard for a long time, had worked alongside him plenty of times, and yet he had not mentioned Brenda's return to her, or to anyone else. Brenda hadn't mentioned Fritz either.

Sharon had kind of guessed Fritz and Brenda weren't together anymore, she'd heard the rumours after Brenda moved to Washington, but she hadn't flat out asked. It wasn't her place to ask. She'd always felt that Brenda and Fritz's marriage would survive. If Brenda wanted to talk about it to her she would have mentioned it by now.

"I should head back," Fritz broke the silence between them. He turned around and didn't look at Sharon.

Sharon was slightly taken aback by his sharpness and just watched him walk away before heading down the corridor herself and making her way back to the Murder Room.

Tao and Amy had returned after searching the McGuire's home and Sharon felt slightly nauseous at the sight of a laptop sitting on Tao's desk. She didn't want to think of what they might find on there. She glanced across the room and saw Provenza was still on the phone whilst making notes. Andy and Julio walked in moments after she did and Julio joined Amy at the Murder Board as they began laying out their case.

Time passed quickly as they worked out more and more details of their victim's life. The Murder Board had been filled with pictures and snippets of information that formed the image of a depraved, sick man who, according to Julio anyway, got what he deserved.

It was just after three o'clock when Andy looked up from his phone. "Nicole's half an hour from my place. I promised I'd meet her there." His eyes singled out Sharon and she nodded. "I'll see you later?"

She nodded. "I'll be heading home myself soon. I asked Rusty to get dinner started but I'd like to do some of it myself. I'll see you and Nicole around seven?"

Andy smiled and she watched him leave the Murder Room before going into her office to get her purse and blazer. With the blazer draped over her arm and the purse in her hand, Sharon stepped back out of her office, closed the door and made her way through the desks towards Provenza. She perched on the edge of the desk, pushing a few papers aside.

"Patrice text me yesterday saying it's been a while since we all met up for lunch or dinner," Sharon said, dropping her voice a little. "I think she's right. So how does lunch Saturday sound? Rusty's going to the beach with Gus all day. We could do it at mine or meet somewhere."

"Patrice said that?" Provenza arched an eyebrow. "She didn't mention it this morning."

"Of course she didn't," Sharon smiled and put a hand on the Lieutenant's arm. "So Saturday, yeah?"

He nodded. "Sure."

Sharon flashed a smile as she stood up and turned around to the rest of her squad. "Thank you all for your hard work today. I know this case isn't an easy one, considering our victim's background, and I just wanted to say that I'm proud of how you're handling it."

She left the Murder Room, rode the elevator down to the lobby and stepped out into the late afternoon Los Angeles sunshine. It felt comforting and warm against her skin and seemed to erase some of the cold and dread that had settled inside her since the start of the morning.

Sharon got in her car and whilst listening to a classical piece by Tchaikovsky she drove home.

*

Andy and Nicole arrived just before seven o'clock and Rusty let them in. He shook Andy's hand and kissed Nicole on her cheek before leading them both into the living room. Sharon had just finished laying the table and wiped her hands on a tea towel when her guests entered. The delicious smell of duck l'orange wafted from the kitchen into the living room.

Andy walked into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around Sharon's waist, planting a soft kiss in the nape of her neck. She smiled as she leaned back against him, turning slightly so she could kiss him.

"Hi," she sighed.

He smiled back at her and pressed a light kiss near the corner of her mouth. "Hey."

He held her for a moment longer before letting go. Together, and with their hands linked, they went back to the living room and Sharon greeted Nicole with a hug.

"It smells amazing!" Nicole complimented her once Sharon had let go.

"It should be done in..." Sharon checked her watch. "Oh, ten minutes or so. Would you like a drink? Wine, water?"

"Wine, please, Sharon."

"Red or white?"

"Oh, red if you have it, please."

Sharon opened the kitchen cupboard. She'd brought wine on her way home from work and took the bottle and two glasses and carried them to the table. As she went to open the bottle her eye fell on the label and she paused for just a moment. She'd been on autopilot in the supermarket and the red wine had been an afterthought since she preferred white wine herself. The word Merlot now jumped out at her and after looking at it for another second, Sharon just shook her head and poured the red liquid into the glass.

She gave the glass to Nicole and instructed Rusty to get a drink for him and Andy. At that same moment the little egg shaped timer on the counter went off and Sharon hurried into the kitchen to switch off the oven. She put on the oven gloves with "bon appetite" written in cursive letters on them and carefully took the dish containing the duck from the oven and placed it on the counter.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Nicole offered as she came into the kitchen.

"Would you mind putting the bowl on the table once I've put the vegetables in?" Sharon asked as she reached back into the oven and took out the tray with roasted vegetables. She began scooping them into the white porcelain bowl and Nicole carried it to the table.

Rusty's phone rang and he fished it out of his pocket and checked the screen. He shot Sharon an apologetic look before leaving the living room and disappearing down the hall. Once he was sure he was out of hearing range he answered the call.

"Hi, little brother," Emily said.

"Hey. How's Milan?"

"I haven't seen anything other than the theatre and my hotel room," Emily laughed. "But I've been told it's beautiful." There was a pause. "So…. I got your text. About wanting to do something for Mom?"

"Yeah?" Rusty glanced down the hall. He could hear Sharon, Nicole and Andy laugh. "Do you have any ideas?"

"Maybe. There are a couple of things that I took from grandma's house when I left Indiana. A couple of pieces of jewellery, a book… I meant to give them to Mom but they were in my suitcase and I didn't find them until I came home. I was going to post them. That's something, right?"

"For sure," Rusty replied. "But I'm looking for something else. I… I don't really know what but… something special, something different. Know what I mean?"

"I think I do," Emily slowly answered. The sound of voices in the background briefly interrupted their conversation. They sounded foreign and Rusty assumed they were Italian. "Listen, I've gotta go. I promise I'll call you as soon as I can and we can work something out, alright? We'll make it work."

Rusty smiled to himself. "Thanks, Em."

"Have fun, kid," Emily said before she hung up.

Rusty let the phone slide back into his pocket and wiped his hands along his jeans before making his way back into the kitchen. He could feel his mother's eyes burn into his back but he avoided looking at her. Instead he just helped her carry the duck to the table and then fetched everyone some more drinks.

Ten minutes later all the glasses were filled, the duck had been carved and everyone had sat down. Sharon and Andy sat next to each other, Nicole and Rusty sat across from them. Rusty had put the radio on and connected it to his IPod. Much to Sharon's surprise she didn't hear some of Rusty's usual music choices but a collection of classic country songs and when she met his eyes he smirked. He'd clearly made an effort.

"So, how's class?" Nicole asked Rusty as she passed over the vegetables. "Your mom says that you're busy?"

"Stressful," he answered and across the table Sharon suppressed a snort at the sight of her son's overly dramatic eye roll. "I can't wait to break up in a couple of weeks."

Andy cut up some of the duck on his plate and fixed his eyes on Rusty. "Isn't it your birthday soon?"

He nodded. "Just over four weeks away."

"You doing anything?" Nicole wanted to know. She took a sip from her wine. "It's your twenty-first, right? It needs to be something special."

"Apparently I'm going to Washington with Sharon and Brenda," Rusty answered.

"Really?" Andy asked and looked at Sharon. For the first time since his arrival she didn't look at him. "With Brenda?"

"Well, she did like live there for a while. Figures she knows all the good places to go," Rusty continued. "I'm not even sure she'll still want to take me because we haven't really talked about it much but if she's ok with it then yeah…" He filled his fork with potato and vegetables and put it in his mouth. "I really want to go."

"It just came up in conversation the other day," Sharon explained in an attempt to ease the frown she saw on Andy's face. She reached to put a hand on his arm and smiled. "Knowing Brenda, I'm not even sure it'll happen. We'll probably all just end up having hamburgers and watch Netflix."

She didn't know why she was trying to validate herself to Andy but Sharon relaxed a little when she saw how the frown faded. She let out a breath that she didn't even know she was holding.

"Have you heard from Jack?" Andy wanted to know. The question was unexpected and caught Sharon by surprise. She shook her head. This wasn't something she wanted to talk about.

"No. I thought it was best to give him some space."

Andy nodded. "Probably for the best." He finished his drink and looked at his daughter. "Nicole told me that she and Thomas are going to Europe for Christmas. I still can't believe they're not taking me with them."

"Where are you going?" Sharon asked.

"We plan to travel but England and Italy for sure," Nicole answered. "Thomas has family in England so we may be able to stay with them for a while."

"England's beautiful in winter, or so I've been told, but freezing, apparently," Sharon smiled. "Will you go to London?"

"Probably," Nicole answered. "I want to see Buckingham Palace. And the Colosseum in Rome. I've always wanted to go there." She glanced at Rusty. "And I think you're going to love the Capitol. I went when I was your age and it was amazing."

"Have you told Nicole about Identity yet?" Sharon asked and Nicole looked up in surprise.

"What's Identity?"

"My online vlog," Rusty answered and shrugged. "It's just this project I'm doing."

"It's not just a project," Sharon interrupted him. "It's more than that."

Rusty stared down at his plate but smiled anyway. "I guess it is."

The conversation flowed easily from there on out as Nicole talked about her travel plans, Rusty shared a couple of anecdotes about class and told Nicole about his relationship with Gus. Sharon watched the interaction between her son and Andy's daughter with a smile and looked down when she felt Andy's hand covering hers. He seemed to be thinking the same thing she was; as difficult as it had seemed to bring both their families together, things seemed to have worked out quite well.

Rusty and Nicole insisted on clearing the table and stacking the dishwasher, allowing Sharon and Andy a few quiet moments in the living room. They sat on the couch, Andy's arm draped loosely across Sharon's shoulders, and she leaned back against him. He let a strand of hair run through his fingers before letting his fingertips dance over Sharon's cheek. The touch was soft and light and her eyes fluttered shut.

"Hey mom?" Rusty said as he came walking out of the kitchen.

Sharon lifted her head up. "Yes?"

Rusty tugged sheepishly at the sleeves of his shirt and couldn't quite bring himself to look at his mother. "I can drive Nicole home if you'd like."

The penny dropped quicker for Andy than it did for Sharon. "You're a good kid, Rusty. Did you talk to Nicole about this?"

"It was her idea."

"Of course it was," Andy smiled just as his daughter came into the living room. Their gazes locked. "You have a key?

Nicole nodded. "Yep."

"Ok. So I'll see you later?"

Nicole just smiled. "I won't stay up."

"I'll probably go see Gus once I've dropped Nicole off. It's almost around the corner anyway." Rusty tried to sound casual but still struggled to look at his mother.

Sharon stood up and hugged Nicole goodbye before she and Rusty left the living room. The front door closed and all that remained was silence. Something shifted in the air and she turned to Andy. She arched an eyebrow. "What's that all about?"

"I think that's their not so subtle attempt at giving us some privacy," Andy smirked and patted the couch. Sharon sat back down and leaned against Andy. "The two of them really need to work on their poker face, to be honest."

Sharon laughed. "Do you think they noticed how obvious they were?"

"Probably not." Andy reached for Sharon's hand. He took it in his own and laced their fingers together. "But the gesture's nice though. We haven't seen much of each other recently, not as much as I'd like anyway, and I'll happily take this moment to have you all to myself."

Sharon turned to him to say something back but Andy kissed her before she had a chance to speak. For just a second she froze but then she slowly leaned in to the kiss, her body relaxing against his. Andy's arm snaked back around her shoulder and Sharon turned herself to face him, briefly interrupting the kiss, and Andy pulled her closer, gently capturing her lips again.

It was Andy who stood up first and gently pulled Sharon to her feet.

She hesitated, fully aware of where this was going to lead. Part of her wanted to tell him to stop, to not ask this of her tonight. She looked up at him, saw the way his eyes had darkened just a little more. Her heart thumped in her chest and she leaned in again, pressed her lips a little firmer against his, held on a little tighter, as she tried to lose herself into the moment. She wanted to want this.

Sharon let Andy take her hand to lead her around the couch and out of the living room. He stopped halfway down the hall to kiss her again, a little more urgent this time, and she wound her arms around his neck, seeking out the familiarity of his body. His arms closed around her back, fingers trailed down her spine before slowly reaching the hem of her shirt.

Sharon kissed him back slowly. It was what they did. Slow and gentle. She felt one hand now at the back of her head, felt his fingers thread her hair. They were still walking, their steps slow and calculated, and when she opened her eyes for just a second, she saw the door to her bedroom. She gasped a little when Andy eased up her shirt and she felt the cool air against her stomach.

Her heart pounded in her chest and she tried to stop her mind from wandering. This was what she wanted… It had to be… This was the logical next step in their relationship.

Sharon's breath hitched when she felt Andy's flat hand against her stomach. Warm fingers caressed her skin, danced over the top of her pants, and circled her belly button. The touch left a burning feeling in its wake and something inside of her stirred; something she couldn't quite put into words.

It was when she felt Andy's fingers trace the wire of her bra, creep up higher towards the swell of her breasts that she suddenly grabbed his wrist and stilled his hand. She took a step backwards and in doing so pushed him away from her. Wide eyed she stared at him.

"I…. I can't…" she stammered, her cheeks suddenly red. "I just…"

"Sharon..."

She looked at him and saw the rejection and defeat in his eyes. Knowing she was responsible for that rejection hurt. She knew what he wanted from her, what he wanted her to give to him. Part of her wanted it too. It wasn't the first time she'd turned him down. She knew Andy wanted to sleep with her but she just couldn't...

Opening up that part of herself, a part she had spent a long time closing off from everyone because she'd been hurt before, was something she wasn't ready to face.

"Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?" he asked. "Because if it is…"

She shook her head and stared down at her hands. They were clammy and a little shaky. Her heart pounded too fast in her chest for all the wrong reasons. "Andy, it's not you. It's... It's me."

He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Well there's the biggest cliché in the world."

"I just... I don't think I'm ready."

"Sharon, we've been dating for a year and it's great but don't you think that maybe it's time we take the next step? I want this relationship, not a friendship and sometimes I'm not sure you want the same."

Andy's eyes held hers. He was looking for an answer and she owed it to him to give him one.

Sharon swallowed, tried to shift the sudden lump in the back of her throat. "Andy, I want that too but..."

"Do you? Because I'm not sure you do". There was anger in his voice now. Not the kind of anger that she saw when he handled a reluctant suspect but the kind of anger from a man who was losing his patience, who was fed up with being led on.

"Andy, I don't know what to say other than I need you to trust me and to give me more time," Sharon said. The echo of despair in her voice was undeniable. "I want you to just..."

He took a step back and shook his head. "I should go."

"Andy…," she pleaded but he stepped past her and started down the corridor towards the front door.

She caught up with him just as his hand closed around the door handle and she put her hand on his forearm. He turned and Sharon could tell he was trying not to judge her, was trying not to be angry. But his eyes betrayed his emotions and she let out a deep breath, circled her fingers over the back of his hand.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I really am."

"We'll talk about this another time," he said. His jaw was set. She knew what that meant. They would talk about it but only when he wanted to.

Andy turned away slightly. He was hurt. He couldn't deny that Sharon's constant rejections didn't tarnish his confidence about their relationship. What he wanted from her didn't seem to be the same as what she wanted from him and he wondered if there was going to be a moment in time that they would actually want the same thing.

He seemed to hesitate before quickly leaning in and leaving a small kiss on her cheek, nowhere near her mouth. He didn't look at her when he opened the door.

"Goodnight, Sharon." His voice didn't carry anger. Whatever it was he was feeling, he was trying to hide it and she knew it.

Sharon closed the door behind him. "Goodnight."

She rested with her back against the door and let her eyes fall shut. Something hurt inside her even though she didn't quite know what or how or even why. She knew Andy was disappointed in her. She was a little disappointed in herself but breaking down the walls took time. Fighting back the tears, Sharon locked the door, turned off the lights and headed down the hall towards her bedroom.

She stripped off her clothes and swapped them for her pyjamas. As she took her phone out of her pocket the screen lit up and she noticed the text message from Brenda. It had come in about five minutes earlier, when she'd been talking to Andy.

Sharon swiped across the screen and the message popped up,

_Hey, I meant to call today but got a little caught up. Just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten about you._

Sharon typed a message back. _I knew you hadn't forgotten about me. Glad to hear from you. Hope your day was better than mine. How about a bottle of wine one of these nights?_

She hit send and crawled into bed. Her phone vibrated with another text message. Brenda again. _I'll bring the wine and you bring the chocolate. I'll call you. Goodnight xx_

Sharon stared at the kisses at the end of the text message, then put her phone down and rolled onto her side. She switched off the light and in the dark stared blindly at the wall in front of her.

It took a while for sleep to claim her and when it finally did, it was fitful and not at all the restful sleep her body so desperately craved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry about the small amount of Shandy in there. Just believe me when I say, it's almost over....


	19. Chapter 19

Sharon got a call early Tuesday morning, before the sun was even up, to inform her the FBI was prepared to share information. She spent the remainder of the day locked in a room with two very reluctant and grumpy FBI Agents who didn't seem keen at all that the LAPD was taking over their case, not even when Provenza reminded them that they probably should be glad to be rid of it. The FBI didn't like anyone else playing in their sandbox, Sharon thought, and they had no qualms about showing it.

She came home after ten that night to find Rusty on the couch watching TV. She sat with him for a while and they talked.

Rusty shot her a sideways glance. "Did you have a good time last night?" he casually enquired.

Sharon didn't answer, but instead shifted uncomfortably in her seat. If Rusty noticed, he didn't let on.

"I was kind of expecting to see Andy here this morning," Rusty continued.

Sharon shook her head. "He had to get home."

She excused herself then and went to take a shower. She washed her hair twice in an attempt to get rid of the feeling of something dirty clinging to her and scrubbed her skin until it had turned bright pink. She then switched off the shower, dried herself with a white fluffy towel and wrapped a smaller one around her hair before padding back into the bedroom.

Sharon chose a pair of black pyjama pants and a sleeveless top, slipped both of them on and removed the towel from her head to brush her hair. She hung the wet towels over the towel rail in the bathroom and made her way over to the bed and picked up her phone. As she slipped under the crisp bedsheets she selected a number from her recent call history and brought the device up to her ear.

"Hey," she heard Brenda's voice say at the other side of the line. "You're up late. Is everythin' OK?"

Sharon leaned back into the pillows. "It's been a long day. In fact, it's been a very long forty-eight hours."

Sharon heard rustling on the other end of the line and guessed Brenda was in bed as well. She briefly wondered if she'd woken the other woman but Brenda had sounded too alert for someone who had just been disturbed from sleep. She wondered what Brenda's bedroom looked like and then realised that she had not been to Brenda's apartment yet. She made a mental note of suggesting to come over one night soon.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Brenda carefully asked. She knew better than anyone that sometimes some of the things the Major Crimes Division saw were better left at the office and not brought home.

"When was the last time you played nicely with the FBI?" Sharon commented and heard Brenda suppress a snort. "Yeah, I thought so. Sometimes I think they have a special programme where they just recruit a bunch of idiots instead of agents."

Brenda thought of Fritz for a moment before saying, "The FBI sure likes to cause trouble."

"And Andy…." Sharon covered her eyes with her hand and massaged the side of her head. The headache was mild and she could probably go to sleep without Tylenol tonight but it was annoying her all the same.

"Andy?" Brenda asked, her breath catching in the back of her throat. She and Sharon hadn't discussed the relationship Sharon had with Andy Flynn all that much and Brenda was glad of it. Seeing them together was hard enough without having to hear about it too but she sensed that whatever Sharon was about to say wasn't going to be of the romantic persuasion.

"What about Andy?"

"He's just so…." Sharon tried to find the right words. How was she going to explain to Brenda that Andy wanted something Sharon couldn't give him without making Andy sound like a pervert and herself like a prude?

"It's complicated, I guess. We said we'd take things slow and now… some days I am just not sure what slow means anymore." Sharon let her hand fall down at her side and for a moment just listened to the sound of Brenda breathing on the other side of the line. The silence between them lasted longer and longer as they both just listened to each other.

"Are you still there?" Brenda asked after a little while and Sharon startled.

"Yes, sorry," she apologised. "Still here."

Brenda smiled even though Sharon couldn't see it. It felt nice to talk to the other woman in the semi darkness of her bedroom. She'd rolled onto her side and was facing the window. The curtains were only half drawn and she could see the light of the streetlamp across the street.

"You should probably go to sleep," Brenda suggested. She'd resisted asking more about Andy. Mainly because she didn't want to hear Sharon say things were actually alright and at the same time because she didn't want to allow herself the feeling of hope if Sharon said things were not going well.

"Sounds to me like you've got a few busy days ahead, Sharon."

"There's the understatement of the day," Sharon chuckled. "But I think you're right."

"Sharon Raydor, how long I've waited to hear you say that," Brenda teased.

"I think you've heard it once already recently. Don't get used to it. You won't be hearing it again."

"Oh, I doubt that," Brenda replied. "But I'll take this for now." Part of her was reluctant to hang up.

Sharon got there first. "Goodnight, Brenda. And thanks."

"Don't mention it. Goodnight, Sharon."

Sharon ended the call, plugged the phone into the charger next to her bed and switched off the light. The bedroom was shrouded in darkness and she was suddenly very aware of the fact she was alone. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on something else but Sharon lay awake quite a while longer before eventually drifting off to sleep.

Wednesday rolled around in much the same fashion Tuesday had, minus the two grumpy FBI Agents. Sharon and Provenza were joined by Amy as they went through the Fed's casefiles on their victims while the rest of the division continued to piece together what had happened and tried to eliminate names of a list of suspects that seemed only to be growing.

Sharon took a fifteen minute break, taking the opportunity to head to the ladies' room and splash some cold water on her face. The case was gruelling and she could tell it was wearing the rest of her division down. The thought of investigating the death of a monster made everyone uncomfortable and as she stared at herself in the mirror, Sharon felt a little nauseous.

The door opened and Amy came in. She seemed momentarily startled to see the Captain leaning against the sink and in the silence, they both realised that they were here for the same reason; to seek shelter from some of the darkness that had engulfed the Murder Room. Sharon averted her eyes away from the younger woman and looked back at her own reflection.

"They are hardly even noticeable anymore."

"I'm sorry?" Sharon turned back around.

Amy, still standing in the doorway, was quick to apologise. She made a gesture towards her own face. "The bruises, your face. They've healed really well," she continued shyly.

"Thank you, Amy," Sharon answered with the hint of a smile. She noticed how the young Detective still hovered in the doorway. "You OK?"

The young Detective nodded and crossed the room until she stood next to Sharon and opened the cold tap. "I think so, yes."

"It's never easy to investigate crimes like this one," Sharon offered. "It's normal to feel conflicted."

"Part of me feels like this asshole got what he deserved and we should be giving whoever did it a medal, not a prison sentence," Amy confessed. She looked up and met Sharon's eyes in the mirror. "But we can't let people take the law into their own hands."

Amy had just put into words what everyone was thinking and feeling. Sharon switched off the taps and took a paper towel to dry her hands. She threw it in the trash moments later and put her hand on Amy's arm, squeezing softly. She was suddenly taken back to the moment where Amy had come into the ladies' room after Sharon had been hurt and had attempted to help clean up her face.

"Those emotions are what makes us human," Sharon said. "We must never forget that."

Amy nodded. "I know."

They shared one final look before Sharon left the ladies' room. She made her way back to the Murder Room and paused just before entering to take a deep cleansing breath and braced herself before going back in to face the shadows.

It was almost lunchtime when Rusty came walking into the Murder Room. Provenza softly nudged Sharon in the ribs and she looked up, startled.

"Rusty!" she said. "What are you doing here?"

"Can I borrow your car? I'm supposed to be meeting some of my classmates in this place off campus but my car wouldn't start so I called the garage and it's being fixed."

"Then how did you get here?" Sharon arched an eyebrow.

"I do know how to ride the buses, you know."

Sharon smirked. Rusty's quick wit was something she really loved about him. "Oh honey, I'd happily let you have mine but I've got a meeting at the courthouse this afternoon with Andrea and I need the car." She looked around and her eyes fell on Andy.

They hadn't talked about what happened on Monday night but things weren't strained. He was pleasant and polite and seemed to be going out of his way to make sure Sharon was alright. He met her gaze and understood what she meant. He reached into the pocket of his blazer, took out his keys and threw them at Rusty.

"Take mine. Just have it back here before six."

Rusty clutched the keys and beamed. "Thanks, Andy."

"And don't scratch it!" Andy called after him as Rusty walked out of the Murder Room.

Dangling the keys from his index finger, Rusty made his way to the elevators and went down to the lobby. In the parking lot he found Andy's car parked a few yards from the door and he unlocked it. He got behind the wheel and threw his bag on the passenger seat. He adjusted the seat until he could reach the wheel comfortably and readjusted the rear view mirror. Once he was sure everything was perfect, Rusty stuck the key in the ignition and the car engine roared to life.

He drove halfway across town and pulled up in a parking space across the street from the place he was supposed to meet his friends. He switched the engine off and took a deep breath before leaning over to the passenger seat and picking up his bag. He grabbed it by a strap and went to fling it over his shoulder when he noticed the card that fell from underneath it. It had been tucked between the seat and the backrest and now landed in the foot well.

Rusty got out of the car, instantly sweating because without air-conditioning the Los Angeles heat was brutal, and went to close the door. Curiosity got the better of him however and he leaned back into the car and snatched the card of the floor.

The back of the business card was facing up and he recognised Andy's handwriting immediately. It was neat and tidy, like the writing in the birthday card he'd sent Sharon last year.

_Hotel Figueroa  
Room 317  
"Cindy"  
7pm_

With a sickening feeling Rusty turned the card over in his hand. The glossy black background was largely covered by a picture of a bright pink diamond. In the bottom left corner in small white letters it said, 'Pink Diamond Escort Services. For All Your Needs.' Underneath it was a Los Angeles phone number.

Rusty dropped the card in disgust. His mind was spinning, conjuring up images he wasn't prepared to face. He swallowed and wiped the sweat off his forehead. This had to be a mistake. Maybe the date was wrong and the card was old. It didn't make the fact Andy had been in contact with an escort service any less revolting but at least he'd know it hadn't been recently.

He picked the card back up. It was dated yesterday.

Rusty felt sick.

Maybe it was because of work. Maybe it had something to do with a case. An informant maybe, or a witness. There could be a hundred different reasons why this card was in Andy's car and none of them had to mean that he had done something he shouldn't have.

"Hey," he heard behind him and he turned around to find two of his friends standing next to the car.

Rusty shoved the card into his pocket and plastered a smile across his face. "Hey."

"You ready to go?" the guy on the left asked. His name was Vince.

Rusty nodded and grabbed hold of his bag a little tighter. "Yep."

"Come on."

For the next two hours Rusty barely heard a word his friends were saying. He added to the conversation only when prompted and spent most of the time fiddling with his coffee cup and the wooden stirrer that came with it. The card almost burnt a hole in his pocket. He felt nauseous and confused. Dozens of questions were going through his mind. What was he supposed to do with this information? There had to be another explanation aside from the most obvious one.

It had to be work related. It had to be.

Rusty rushed out quickly after saying goodbye to his friends. Just before he stepped outside a girl cornered him. Her name was Rose and she was in his class. Her bright purple hair and nose ring made her stand out a bit from their more conservative looking classmates but Rusty liked her.

"Is everything ok?" she asked him. "You were very quiet." Her hazel eyes searched his face. "It's not like you not to say anything."

"Everything's fine," Rusty lied. What was he supposed to say anyway? I think my mother's boyfriend has cheated on her with an escort? It wasn't exactly a great subject for a conversation. The thought of it made him want to throw up.

He almost ran back to Andy's car. Getting behind the wheel, touching the wheel, sitting in the seat... it all made him feel uncomfortable. He wanted to wash his hands. He wanted to shower. His hands shook when he turned the key in the ignition and the tires squeaked when he drove off.

The Murder Room was almost deserted when Rusty burst in. he looked around, focusing on Andy's desk, and felt a weight fall off his shoulders when he didn't see the Lieutenant. He looked the other way and saw Provenza sitting at his desk, reading a file that was about as thick as Rusty's fist. A grave expression had fallen over the old man's face and Rusty hurried over to him. Provenza looked up when he heard Rusty approaching.

"Oh, Rusty. If you're looking for the Captain, she's…"

"I'm not looking for my mom, Lieutenant. I came to see you."

Provenza noticed the stress written across Rusty's face and slowly closed the file. The red stamp across the front spelt the word 'confidential' and the FBI logo had been stamped underneath. He folded his hands on top of the file and took in Rusty's deer-caught-in-headlights expression. An unnerving feeling settled in the pit of the Lieutenant's stomach.

"What's going on, son?"

Rusty looked over his shoulder. His mother sat in her office. He could see her through the open blinds. She was on the phone and her chair was turned away from the Murder Room. She hadn't seen him come in. With a sense of dread he reached into his pocket and pulled out the card. He held his breath as he gave it to Provenza.

"I found this in Andy's… Lieutenant's Flynn's car," Rusty said. There was a nervous tremor in his voice and the fact he switched from 'Andy' to 'Lieutenant Flynn' didn't go unnoticed.

Provenza looked down at the card and studied it for a moment before slowly looking up. His face had darkened. "You found this in his car?"

"It's gotta be a mistake, right? I mean, work or something?" Rusty stared at Provenza with pleading eyes, furiously wishing that the Lieutenant would agree with him. He wanted to hear that it was an undercover operation, that it was case related. He wanted it to be anything other than what it looked like.

Provenza put the card down and covered it with the file. "Leave it with me," he said slowly. His voice carried an echo of anger.

"But," Rusty tried but Provenza cut him off, slamming his fist down on top of the file.

"I said leave it with me," he bit in Rusty's direction. He fixed Rusty with a piercing stare. His voice dropped. "And not a word about this to the Captain, understood?"

Rusty nodded.

"Good. Now get out of here."

Rusty turned on his heel and sprinted out of the Murder Room.

Rusty didn't see Provenza again until later that day when he came back into the Murder Room to pick Sharon up. She'd texted him asking if he wanted to go for hamburgers and he still needed to give Andy back his keys. He walked into the Murder Room with his hands in his pocket and a feeling of dread washed over him when he saw Andy sitting at his desk.

He felt Provenza's eyes on him with every step he took as he approached Andy's desk and pulled the keys from his pocket. He dropped them next to Andy's hand and Andy looked up.

"Thanks," Rusty grumbled and turned away.

"No problem, kid."

Rusty walked over to Provenza's desk and smiled at Amy and Julio as he passed them. Provenza stood up, sensing the boy wanted to talk, and beckoned for Rusty to follow him into the hall. Out of earshot Provenza looked past Rusty into the Murder Room and Rusty followed his gaze. He was watching Andy.

"You don't want to get involved in this, kid," Provenza said solemnly.

"But…"

"Stay out of it, Rusty!" Provenza insisted again and looked at the kid. He cared about Rusty like he was his own grandson. He just shook his head and the dark look in his eyes confirmed to Rusty what he'd been dreading ever since finding the business card. "Listen kid, this isn't something you want to get involved in." His eyes softened and he put a hand on Rusty's shoulder and softly squeezed it. "Believe me, you really don't."

Across the Murder Room the door to Sharon's office opened and she stepped out with her purse in her hand and her blazer draped over her arm. Provenza pushed Rusty back into the Murder Room and didn't miss the way Sharon's eyes narrowed slightly behind her glasses when she noticed her son and the Lieutenant had been talking in the hallway. She watched the two of them as they made their way back to Provenza's desk before walking over and putting a hand on Rusty's shoulder and kissing him on the cheek.

"Hi honey, did you have a good day?" she inquired as she readjusted the collar of Rusty's shirt.

"Yeah," Rusty answered. He didn't look at his mother but stiffened slightly under her touch. "Great."

"Do you still want to go for hamburgers?"

"When have I ever said no to hamburgers?" Rusty tried to sound neutral. It was hard. He silently prayed Sharon wouldn't notice how difficult it was for him to pretend nothing was wrong. He wanted to run out of the Murder Room and undo the events of today. But what had been done could not be undone.

Sharon smiled and diverted her attention to Provenza. "I was thinking about making reservations at Palm Court for Saturday. That little bistro off Mulholland? Patrice mentioned she wanted to go there and the food is good." She held the Lieutenant's gaze. "You are still joining us, right?"

Palm Court was a little French style bistro just off Mulholland Drive that Sharon had discovered by accident a few years ago when going out for dinner with a colleague from FID. They'd worked late and it had been near enough on the way home. It hadn't been a date but it hadn't been strictly professional either but the calm atmosphere and good food had made the experience enjoyable. Sharon had been back several times, never again with anyone from FID, and she enjoyed the old fashioned French landscape pictures on the walls, the classic table decorations and the hostess with the thick French accent.

"I'm not sure, Captain," Provenza apologised. He looked the brunette woman straight in the eye. "There is this exhibition I want to take Patrice to and it's only in town for the weekend."

Sharon's face fell. "Oh."

She wanted this dinner date to smooth things over with Andy. It was her way of making it up to him that things had gone downhill.

"We may go to the exhibition on the Sunday," Provenza quickly added, struck by the Captain's disappointment. He resisted looking in Andy's direction. "But I'd rather not make a commitment either way without knowing for sure."

"I understand," Sharon nodded.

Rusty looked from his mother to Provenza before carefully throwing a glance over his shoulder at Andy. Their gazes accidentally locked and Rusty quickly looked away, back at Provenza. He still felt Andy's eyes burn into his back.

"We should go," he said and put a hand on Sharon's arm. She turned to look at him.

"I'll just say goodnight to Andy," she said.

Rusty watched his mother walk across the Murder Room and lean into Andy. He turned away. If she was going to kiss him he didn't want to see it. He caught Provenza's eye but the Lieutenant just shook his head.

Sharon re-joined them moments later and Rusty bolted for the Murder Room exit as soon as she asked if he was ready to go. Sharon followed him and just before turning the corner she turned and waved. Only Andy waved back.

Once he was sure the Captain and Rusty were out of hearing range, Provenza slowly rose from his chair, straightened his shirt and tie and crossed the room towards Andy's desk. His friend looked up, clearly about to ask what he could do for him, but Provenza just shook his head and placed both his hands flat on Andy's desk and leaned in.

"We need to talk."

He waited for Andy to stand up and then turned around and headed in the direction of the interview rooms. He held the door for Andy and shot a glance at the small camera in the corner of the ceiling. The red light wasn't flashing. No one was watching. He let go of the door handle and the door fell into its lock with a rather loud bang.

Andy opened his mouth but Provenza raised his hand, silencing him before he'd even started. His eyes were blazing and his face flushed red as he finally allowed the anger that had been simmering underneath his skin to come out.

"Have you lost your fucking mind?"

Andy stared incredulously at his oldest friend. "What are you talking about?"

"You just can't help yourself, can you? What, was ruining your marriage and every other relationship you've had not enough?!"

"If you'd just tell me…"

"You cheated on her! You _cheated_ on Sharon!"

Andy stared at Provenza as the words slowly sank in.

Cheated.

Was that really what he had done? Could it even be called that? It certainly didn't feel like it. It wasn't like he was in love with the woman or anything. It had just been… an arrangement of convenience. Something that helped all of them, even Sharon. Surely that wasn't the same as sleeping with someone he actually cared about?

Andy's face changed from neutral to defiant. Something in his eyes darkened and he crossed his arms in front of his chest but he didn't say anything.

"You're not going to stand there and deny it, are you?" Provenza pushed. His face had grown redder and he had to fight the urge to grab his friend and shake him so furiously he'd end up with a concussion. "Damnit Andy, it's the same escort service you used a few years ago!"

"I don't have to explain myself to you! How do you even know about this anyway?" Andy countered and Provenza didn't know what shocked him more; the fact Andy admitted to the cheating or the fact that it looked like he didn't think he had done anything wrong.

"It doesn't matter how I know. The fact is I DO know and I think you're an asshole!"

"See, things between Sharon and I haven't exactly been…" Andy began and unfolded his arms, opened his palms as if to appear non-threatening. It was almost like he was surrendering himself.

"I don't want to hear your excuses, Flynn! You cheated on the Captain." Provenza shook his head and leaned on one of the chairs. "Ye Gods, you know her history, damnit!" He shook his head. "I knew it. I knew you dating the Captain was a bad idea." He shot Andy a sideways glance. "Didn't I tell you? A leopard can't change its spots!"

"I needed a place to go! Sharon and I are having some difficulties and I thought this was the best way resolve them!" Andy tried again. "I thought this way I was helping both of us."

"Sleeping with an escort is your way of resolving problems?!" Provenza was almost dumbstruck. Was this guy serious? "You know, I never quite understood why she decided to start dating you, Flynn. But now…."

Andy took a step closer to Provenza. "It was an escort. It hardly counts when you have to pay for it!" He waited for a moment, saw the way Provenza looked up at him. For the first time a hint of nerves began to show across Andy's face. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket. "You're not going to tell Sharon, are you?"

"Why not? According to you there's nothing wrong with what you did. I'm sure the Captain will understand."

"No! You can't tell her!" Andy shook his head. "I don't want Sharon to know."

Provenza fixed Andy with a dark glare. "If you don't think it's cheating then why do you care?"

Andy didn't answer and after a few short moments he averted his eyes and stared down at the floor in defeat. Provenza heaved a sigh and shook his head. "There's your answer." He started for the door but turned around before leaving, his hand on the door handle. "Don't worry. I'm not going to tell her." He looked at the other man in the room. Suddenly he wasn't sure he still recognised the person he had called his friend. "You are."

Andy blinked and shook his head. "What?! I can't do that!"

"You can and you will. You have till the end of the week," Provenza replied flatly. He held Andy's gaze. "And if you don't tell her, I will."

"Come on!" Andy tried but Provenza shook his head.

He stormed down the corridor and only stopped when he was almost back in the Murder Room. He was so glad Sharon was gone. He wasn't sure he could face her right now.

*

Sharon observed Rusty from the other side of the table. He hadn't said a word since getting in the car and the longer his silence lasted, the more worried Sharon became. She knew better than to pry but it wasn't like Rusty to stay silent for this long. She watched as he took another bite from his burger and she couldn't take it anymore.

"Did something happen?" she asked and Rusty looked up, bewildered.

"What?"

"You've been very quiet," Sharon pressed. "I just wondered…. Did something happen?"

"Why?" Rusty asked. "Why would you think that?"

He looked at his mother and felt his stomach turn. Suddenly the burger, which had tasted a little weird anyway, no longer appealed and he put it down. He wasn't hungry anymore. The suspicion of Andy having cheated on Sharon was just eating away at him and he couldn't bring himself to tell her.

"Is it Gus? Did you two have a fight?" Sharon carefully inquired. Her green eyes were kind and she noticed the way Rusty pushed his burger across the table.

Rusty scratched the back of his head and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. They were in one of his favourite hamburger restaurants, about five blocks from the condo, but all he could think about was going home. He still felt Sharon's eyes on him so he quickly nodded but avoided making eye contact.

"Oh honey," Sharon said and reached over the table to touch Rusty's arm. She took the fact he didn't pull away as a good sign. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really, no." Rusty shook his head.

"I'm sure you and Gus will work things out. You're both still so young and fights and arguments come with relationships but it's not always easy to know how to handle them," Sharon explained. "Why don't you call him when you get home?" She finally managed to catch Rusty's eye. "Or send him a note?"

Rusty nodded but didn't answer. His phone, which was next to his plate, pinged with a text message and he picked it up. Sharon watched his face for anything that would tell her who the message was from but Rusty didn't give anything away.

"Is that Gus?" she asked with a cautious smile.

"It's Brenda."

Rusty looked at the text message. It wasn't very long but it made him feel even more uncomfortable than he already was. Brenda texted to confirm the details for their meeting with Sophie tomorrow. Another thing he hadn't told Sharon about. He swallowed and looked up from his phone to find his mother looking at him. He wondered if she could see how he felt. The lies were just piling up and the more he hid from her, the harder it became to pretend nothing was wrong.

Sharon watched as Rusty slipped his phone back in his pocket. "What does she want?"

"Just checking in," Rusty answered. "Doesn't she text you like all the time?"

Sharon smiled. Brenda sure did text. Not all the time and definitely not today but she would sometimes just ask how things were going. Sharon picked at the tomato on her burger before removing it. Even though she always reminded Rusty to eat his vegetables, she couldn't possibly force anyone to eat tomatoes.

Rusty finished his drink and took a couple more bites of his burger before giving up. He looked at Sharon. She'd almost finished hers and her glass was half empty. He wanted to go home and not find himself constantly scrutinised by his mother's eyes so when Sharon announced that she was finished too, he leapt to his feet, snatched his bag up from the seat next to him and swung it over his shoulder. He was at the door before Sharon had even picked up her purse and she shook her head as she followed her anxious son to the car.

Young love, Sharon thought. If only all relationships were that simple.


	20. Chapter 20

Brenda waited for Rusty outside the condo. She'd parked across the street and spotted Rusty as he came walking out. He'd pushed his hands into the pockets of his jeans and wore a blue and white checked shirt with a plain white t-shirt underneath. His ruck sack hung over his shoulder and when he reached Brenda's car and opened the passenger door, Brenda noticed the frown on his forehead.

"You OK?" she carefully inquired.

Rusty nodded but Brenda knew he was lying. "Fine."

"You don't seem fine to me."

"I don't want to talk about it, Brenda," Rusty replied sharply. He shot the blonde woman a look and saw the confusion. "Sorry. I… I didn't sleep very well."

"I understand," Brenda nodded. "It's a big thing you're doin', Rusty. And I just want you to know that if you're havin' second thoughts, you can still change your mind." After a moment's hesitation she put her hand on Rusty's knee. "We're only doin' this if you're sure you want to do it."

"I do," Rusty answered. "I do want to."

Brenda switched the ignition and the car engine roared to life. "OK. Well, let's go."

Rusty stared out of the window as Brenda drove. He hadn't lied when he said he hadn't slept well. He wasn't sure he'd actually slept at all. He kept tossing and turning, kicked off the blankets a few times before getting cold and pulling them back up. He'd stared at the ceiling contemplating telling Sharon what he was about to do. He'd even gotten up and made it as far as Sharon's door but then turned around. What was he going to say anyway?

"Hey, Sharon, I'm gonna go meet my sister? The one I found out about weeks ago and didn't tell you about. Oh and by the way, Andy cheated on you."

It had all come back down to that. It hadn't been so much about Sophie as it had been about what he knew about Andy. He'd considered texting the Lieutenant himself but then decided against it because Provenza had told him not to. He wondered if Provenza had spoken to Andy at all? Was he going to tell Sharon? Did he expect Rusty would tell her at some point? Because she had a right to know. He wanted her to know. He just didn't know how.

The butterflies in his stomach were caused by the nerves but the sickening feeling gnawing away at his soul was caused by not sharing his secrets with Sharon and knowing that one day, she was going to know and he wasn't sure he was ready to deal with the hurt this would surely cause her.

"You look like you're miles away," Brenda observed when the car stopped in front of a red light and she averted her eyes from the road long enough to look at the young man in the passenger seat. She studied Rusty in a way she hadn't studied anyone for a long time; she was looking for a weakness, for something that would give her a way in. When she realised what she was doing Brenda felt disgusted with herself. This was Rusty and he deserved better than what she was trying to do.

"Do you think she'll actually be there?" Rusty's voice was soft and when he finally turned to look at Brenda, she could see the concern in his eyes. With a startling shock she realised he was scared.

"I have no reason to believe she won't be there," Brenda answered. The light changed to green and the car started moving again.

They didn't really speak much for the remainder of the drive other than when Brenda swore at a driver who cut her off and nearly caused her to swerve into the opposite lane. Rusty burst out laughing when she released a long list of expletives and when Brenda shot him a look, he just snorted.

"Just don't let my mom hear you say that."

Brenda pursed her lips as she indicated to turn right. "I doubt it's anythin' she hasn't heard before."

Ten minutes later they drove onto the parking lot for The Grove and Rusty felt his stomach tightened as Brenda effortlessly parked her car in between an obnoxiously large blue pick-up truck and a black SUV. He clenched and relaxed his hands and took a couple of deep breaths before opening the door and stepping out of the car. The hot summer air hit him like a ton of bricks and he wiped across his forehead, instantly longing for the comfortable air conditioning of the car.

His legs felt heavy as he walked alongside Brenda towards the entrance. His heart pounded in his throat and just before stepping into the cool air conditioned mall, Rusty thought he was going to be sick. When Brenda then headed for the map of the mall looking for the quickest and easiest way to get to the food court, Rusty just wanted to turn around and run.

This was a bad idea, he thought. He could do this another time. Next week, maybe. Or maybe next month. Or maybe not at all….

"Rusty?" Brenda turned around to see what was taking him so long and noticed him fiddling with his shirt. She walked up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. She took it as a good sign that Rusty didn't jump.

"Oh honey. Is it because you're nervous to see her or because you haven't told Sharon about her?"

"Both," Rusty admitted.

Brenda could relate a little to how he felt. It was strange not telling Sharon about what they were doing and what they had discovered and Brenda wondered if perhaps they should have. It was a little late for second thoughts now…

She checked her watch. "We've got fifteen minutes before we're supposed to meet. Do you want to go get a coffee or something and then go or just go there and wait?"

The colour had drained from Rusty's face. "Go there and wait." He wasn't even sure how he'd gotten the words out of his mouth.

Brenda just nodded and put her hand on Rusty's shoulder for support as they made their way through the mall towards the food court. Shoppers surrounded them, music blasted from speakers in shops and the closer they came to the food court, the more overpowering the smell of pizza, noodles and pretzels became.

They took a seat at one of the tables in the middle of the court, not too far from a place serving Mexican food. Brenda went to get them a couple of sodas and when she returned she found Rusty nervously looking around, watching the faces of the strangers that walked around them. He'd seen his sister's face in pictures but seeing someone in real life was always different and Brenda suspected he was wondering if he would be able to recognise her.

Rusty eagerly accepted the cup Brenda offered and pushed the straw in the see through plastic lid. It gave his hands something to do. He continued to look around and with every passing moment, and with every blonde woman he saw, he felt more nervous. The urge to just get up and leave only grew stronger.

He wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing. It had felt right when he first agreed to it but now that he was here, something told him it wasn't. He should have been here with Sharon. It should have been her, not Brenda, here with him. He should have told her the truth instead of lying to her. He placed his hands flat on the surface of the table and tried to calm his racing heart. There was nothing he could do about it now.

Rusty saw her before she saw him. She was impossible to miss. She looked so much like their mother, he had to blink a couple of times to make sure he wasn't actually looking at their mother. Sophie had the same blonde hair and the same blue eyes, the same nose and, when she laid eyes on Rusty and smiled, he was stunned to see that the smile was the same too.

Sophie wore a dress with a flower print, the vintage kind, and a white denim jacket. Her legs were bare and on her feet she wore white sandals. She'd bound her hair back in a ponytail and a pair of expensive looking sunglasses balanced on her head. She clutched her phone in her hand and slowly approached the table. Rusty couldn't take his eyes off her, couldn't stop staring, and when Sophie reached them, he barely managed to speak.

"Hi…"

"Hey," Sophie answered. The tremor of nerves in her voice was unmistakable. "Can I sit down?"

Rusty just nodded and watched as the young woman he knew to be his sister slipped into the seat next to Brenda. She folded her hands on the table and for a few moments nobody said anything, they just stared at each other.

"It is really good to see you," Sophie said after a few moments.

"Yeah," Rusty nervously answered. The lump in the back of his throat almost made him choke. "It's good to see you too."

He didn't know what to say. What was the right thing to say to the older sister you never knew you had? Was he supposed to ask how the drive to Los Angeles was? Could he ask about her life? Did he want to? Was she going to ask about his? What was he going to say when she did?

Sophie placed her hands flat on the table but didn't take her eyes off Rusty. She studied him with the same curiosity he did her. "This is…. weird."

Rusty broke out in a smile, suddenly relieved Sophie had used exactly that word. "It is a little. I have like no idea what I'm supposed to say to you." He then remembered Brenda was still sitting at the table with them and he looked at her. Brenda was watching Sophie from the corner of her eye but was trying not to make it too obvious.

"This is Brenda," Rusty did the introductions and Sophie's eyes widened at the mention of the familiar name. She turned to the blonde sitting next to her.

"We spoke on the phone," Brenda smiled and extended her hand. Sophie took it. Her hand shake was just as Brenda expected. Firm but delicate at the same time. "Nice to meet you, Sophie."

"It's nice to finally put a face to a voice," Sophie answered. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Brenda."

"The pleasure is all mine," Brenda smiled.

Sophie looked back at Rusty. She had dropped her hands in her lap now and fiddled with the fabric of her dress. She held Rusty's gaze for a little longer before averting her eyes and staring down at the table. "I just wanted to say that I... I wasn't expecting to find you," she began. "And now that I have..."

"You were looking for my mom? Our mom," Rusty interjected and Sophie nodded without looking up. He drew his own conclusions. "You didn't know about me either, did you?"

Sophie shook her head. "No." She looked at Rusty through her eyelashes and shifted in her seat. "I... I just... I totally understand if this is not what you were expecting and if you want me to leave then I will but I... I'm just so glad I finally got to meet you."

"Me too," Rusty softly answered. He glanced at Brenda. She was taking the wait and see approach; she was trying not to lead the conversation in any way but wanted Rusty to do it whatever way felt right for him. He felt a gush of appreciation for her; she'd done this for him in the knowledge that when Sharon found out, she wouldn't just be disappointed in Rusty, she would be disappointed in Brenda too.

"So, what was it like growing up with your grandparents?" Rusty asked. He expected the answer to be completely different from what his own childhood had been like and he wasn't quite prepared to tell Sophie the truth about their mother, even if she at least had to suspect some of it anyway.

"Quiet," Sophie answered and a smile spread across her face. The affection was evident in her words. "My grandparents worked hard to give me everything they felt I deserved. They were kind and open and they never once told me I couldn't go find out what happened to my..." She paused. "Our mom." She swallowed. "And they never said a bad word about her. Grandma always said that I had to find out for myself who my mother is; it wasn't for her to tell me."

Rusty glanced at Brenda. Sooner or later Sophie would learn the truth about Sharon Beck but right now wasn't the right moment. "They sound like lovely people," he said and Sophie nodded.

"They were as shocked as I was to learn about you," she explained. "I think Grandma really wanted to come today but she understands this is something you and I need to do alone. But, just so you know, they would really like to meet you. If you want. And when you're ready." Sophie tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "So, tell me a little bit about yourself?"

Rusty's stomach turned itself into knots and he let out a shallow breath. He had prepared this part of the story in his head during the car ride here but now that he actually had to speak the words out loud, he felt unsure. "Well, I've just started college."

Sophie sat up a little straighter. "Really? What're you studying?"

Rusty opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. Helplessly he looked at Brenda and she smiled reassuringly before answering, "Journalism. Rusty also has an online vlog called Identity which is really quite interestin'." Brenda's brown eyes rested on the girl sitting next to her. "What about you?"

"Law school," Sophie answered. "My grandmother used to work at the county court so I often went to see her there. I think I grew up watching trials." She looked back at Rusty. "Sharon is a police officer, right? I'm sure you've seen court rooms from the inside plenty of times."

Rusty nodded, suddenly a little uncomfortable. "You could say that," he answered, remembering Philip Stroh, Marianna and Slider. His experiences in a court room were far more extensive than that of most other young people his age. "I know my way around the courtroom."

"How did you know Sharon's a police officer?" Brenda inquired. She was sure she had not mentioned Sharon's profession to Sophie during their phone calls, just her name. During the first phone call she had barely mentioned Sharon at all and had focused on discovering how Sophie knew about Rusty. It was how she'd found out that Sophie had learnt about Rusty after tracking down Sharon Beck and finding another birth certificate that mentioned Rusty.

Sophie turned to look at Brenda. "You told me her name was Sharon Raydor, have you ever tried Googling her name to see what comes up?" She smiled and turned to look at Rusty. "Don't worry, I haven't been sneaking around in some creepy way gathering information about you, but if there's one thing law school teaches you it's to get all the facts before going into a situation."

Rusty glanced at Brenda. They both had plenty of experience with lawyers to know what they were dealing with here. "You'll make a great attorney one day."

Sophie smiled. "Maybe one day I'll be facing your mother in court."

Brenda couldn't suppress a snort as she remembered seeing Sharon take the stand in court only the week before. "Good luck with that."

"Yeah, my mom is a tough cookie," Rusty grinned in agreement.

"How long have you lived with her?" Sophie wanted to know.

"Since I was sixteen," Rusty answered and he noticed the way Sophie frowned. She had clearly expected him to say that he had been with Sharon far longer than that and he could see the wheels turn in her head. "It's a very long story. One that's probably best kept till another time." He glanced at Brenda and from the way she looked at him he could tell she was also remembering the moment their paths had first crossed. "Sharon adopted me a few years ago."

"Is she working today?" Sophie asked. "Is that why she couldn't come?"

"She… uhm…" Rusty stammered. "I haven't told her yet."

Sophie's face fell. "Oh."

"Sophie, honey, what you have to understand is that Rusty and Sharon have been through a lot and unfortunately Sharon has a lot on her plate right now. I think Rusty was just tryin' to not add to her worries," Brenda explained and put a hand on Sophie's arm. "Because that's what Sharon would do. She would worry. About both of you. So Rusty felt it was better to wait until he met you and then tell Sharon Does that make sense?"

Sophie nodded. "Yes, it does. If it wasn't for the fact Grandma was right there when I found out about Rusty, I probably wouldn't have told her yet either." She looked back at her younger brother. "I get it. It's always tough when you're not quite sure what to do for the best."

Rusty sighed in relief. "I think Sharon would really like to meet you."

It seemed as if the conversation flowed a little easier after that. Rusty asked Sophie about law school and they soon found themselves engaged in an intense conversation about their schools and education in general. Very little was said about their respective family lives and Brenda, who only occasionally added to the conversation and checked emails on her phone instead for most of the time, felt like the two siblings had found a way of communicating beyond their background. In some ways it felt like they had always known each other and had only seen each other last month and then there were moments where she saw the way they looked at each other, both struck by the sudden realisation they were talking to a family member whom they had never before today.

It had been Brenda's suggestion to set a time limit for the meeting to allow everyone a way out and help end the meeting if things would somehow be uncomfortable. The hour they had agreed seemed to have passed a lot quicker than they expected and when Brenda glanced down at her watch, she noticed it had been an hour and half. She looked at Rusty, who was engaged in a discussion about Identity with Sophie and he caught her eye and noticed her index finger against her watch. He nodded.

"Time to go?" Sophie asked, noticing the change in Rusty's face.

"Yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I wasn't expecting it to go so fast."

Sophie just smiled and stood up. It appeared that she had come prepared too because her actions seemed calculated and deliberate, like she was trying to protect both herself and Rusty at the same time. "We probably shouldn't make this anymore awkward than it needs to be so…" She shrugged and eyed her brother up. "Shake hands? Hug? Just turn around and walk away?"

"Shake hands," Rusty decided and reached out. He took his sister's hand and held it. It felt familiar and strange at the same time. "I really enjoyed today."

"Me too," Sophie answered. "It's been great seeing you." She turned to look at Brenda. "And you too, Brenda. I…. I'm not sure it would have happened if you hadn't been the one to set it up." She let Rusty's hand slip out of hers and went to shake Brenda's. "I'm glad Rusty has you and Sharon in his life."

Sophie straightened her jacket, pulled her sunglasses out of her hair and gave a little wave. "I'll see you later."

She turned around and walked away, quickly disappearing in the crowd of people that were walking through the food court. Rusty tried to follow her with his eyes but he lost her after just a few steps and he turned to look at Brenda. She watched him, tried to read the expression on his face.

"You ok?" she carefully asked and Rusty just jerked his head. He just wanted to run and somehow get away from this place as fast as he could.

"Can we go?"

Brenda understood. "Of course."

Rusty started walking and Brenda fell into step beside him after quickly having caught up. Rusty had pushed his hands into his pockets and walked briskly and without paying too much attention to his surroundings. Brenda just held the door leading to the car park for him when they reached the exit and silently followed him back to the car. He'd gotten in and buckled up before Brenda had even reached her side.

"Oh my God," Rusty sighed when Brenda got in the car. She shot him a sideways look.

"What is it?"

"What have I done?! I should've told Sharon. I never should have…" Rusty didn't finish that sentence and ran his hand through his hair. Panicked eyes darted around the car as the realisation of what had happened and what he had done sunk in. He fell back into his seat. "She is going to be so mad."

"Rusty, you felt you were doin' the right thing," Brenda reminded him.

"Sharon won't know that. I lied to her, Brenda! I told her I would never lie to her again but I did!" He shook his head, remembering the hurt he had caused Sharon after hiding the truth about the Stroh letters. He had vowed to himself and to Sharon he would never see that kind of pain again. "She will never trust me again,"

Brenda watched Rusty as he panicked. She felt for him. It had to be hard for him to keep this information from Sharon. Sometimes good people made bad choices for the right reasons and the way she saw it, that was the position Rusty was in. Eventually he would see that and she hoped Sharon would too. She took a deep breath.

"Is there anything else you want to do?" she inquired as she stuck the key in the ignition and turned it. She didn't expect Rusty to say there was but it felt like the right thing to ask and so she wasn't surprised when he just shook his head.

Brenda saw the way Rusty looked out over the car park as they drove off, almost as if he was still looking for Sophie but at the same time hoping he wouldn't see her, and once the mall was behind him, he slumped down into his seat and just stared out of the window. She wanted to ask him how he felt but she'd spent enough time with Rusty to know that she had to wait for him to tell her so instead she just focused on the large amount of traffic that surrounded them and quickly moved into another lane to take the quickest route back to Sharon's condo.

The question came quicker than she had expected. They'd barely reached the second set of traffic lights when Rusty turned to look at her. She felt his eyes on her before he had even said anything.

"What did you think of her?"

"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that question?" Brenda retorted but Rusty just rolled his eyes and she grinned. "Fine, have it your way." She indicated to turn right and moved lanes again. Even after all these years she still hated Los Angeles traffic. "I think Sophie seems like a lovely young lady."

"Really?" Rusty arched an eyebrow.

Brenda shot him a look. "What? You were expectin' me to say somethin' different?"

"No. I just wasn't expecting you to say the words 'young lady'," Rusty commented. "Like, who even says that these days?"

"My Daddy does," Brenda said fondly. It was true. Clay had a habit of calling her that. She'd never known any different. "Daddy calls me that all the time."

"You just made my point," Rusty snorted.

Brenda saw her chance and casually she said, "So, why don't you tell me what you thought?"

Rusty realised too late Brenda had gotten him to do exactly what she wanted him to do in the first place and he gave her a look before answering. "She's nice. I like her. And you can never do that again!"

"Do what?" Brenda feigned innocence.

"That thing you do where you turn things around and make me answer your questions. Sharon does that too and it drives me crazy!" Rusty replied. "Is it a cop thing or something?"

"Just answer the question the first time I ask and it won't happen again," Brenda laughed. She enjoyed the way Rusty responded to her and was open to her occasionally teasing him. Their relationship had changed so much and she was glad to see that Rusty seemed to be feeling the same way about it she did. "But you're right. She is nice. And it seemed like you two hit it off."

"I wasn't expecting that," Rusty admitted. "It felt like I'd met her before."

He wanted to say something else but his phone pinged with a text message and he checked it. It was from Ricky and when he slid across the screen the message instantly opened. _Emily gave me the stuff she had for Mom. Check your mailbox when you get home but don't let Mom see it. Catch you later, kid._

Rusty looked back up at Brenda. "Are you busy later?"

"Unless you consider watching five episodes of Hoarders in a row is being busy, then no, I'm not. What can I do for you?"

"Well, there's this thing I want to do for Mom." Rusty looked down at his phone again. "But I don't want her to know about it just yet."

The car came to a stop at another red light and Brenda took the opportunity to turn in her seat. Rusty was still looking at his phone, typing a message in reply to whoever had texted him moments earlier. "Does this have anything to do with Anne by any chance?"

"Are you freaking psychic or something?" Rusty stared at her, wide eyed.

"Have you forgotten what I used to do for a livin'?" Brenda joked. "I kinda guessed. So, spit it out."

"Well, I asked Emily if she knew of anything we could do, you know, to kind of to say goodbye because mom missed the funeral. She said she had a few things she could send. You know, like jewellery and stuff. Things that belonged to Anne. Ricky just texted me and said it's probably in the mail box so that's something but I wanted to do something else…"

The light turned green and traffic started moving again. Brenda turned left and avoided a car that failed to indicate and cut in front of her. She bit back a swear word and glared at Rusty when she heard him snort. "Shut up." Then she laughed. "So, about this plan… do you have any ideas?"

"I spoke to Emily the other day and she said that they used to go to the park when they were kids. Usually on a Sunday during the summer. Anne would make a picnic and they would just be out there all day playing games. Apparently there's a video somewhere of Ricky trying to skip across the stepping stones and falling in."

"Do you know where this was?" Brenda asked. "Which park? Los Angeles isn't exactly short of a park or two."

"Eastlake Park, I think," Rusty answered.

"Oh, I know where that is," Brenda said, smiling at the fact that it had taken her years to remember where things were in this city but somehow she remembered this park instantly. "So, what's your idea?"

"Go there for the day. Take a picnic. You know…"

Brenda nodded. She had a pretty good idea where he was going with this. "Trying to recreate the memories, you mean?"

"Yeah." Rusty suddenly felt uncertain.

"Sounds like a good idea. So you, Sharon and Andy?"

Rusty shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The mention of Andy instantly brought back what he had discovered the day before. The meeting with Sophie had pressed that to the back of his mind but now it was back in full force. He wasn't prepared to discuss or even deal with it, and he certainly didn't want to tell Brenda, but at the same time he wanted her to at least understand he didn't want Andy to be part of this.

"I was kinda thinking just me, Mom and you."

Brenda arched an eyebrow in surprise but didn't say anything. This was the second time in two days that she got the feeling there was something about Sharon and Andy that wasn't right. She remembered Sharon's phone call the other night. She hadn't dared to ask, for various reasons, but now she couldn't help but wonder if there was something Sharon wasn't telling her. She considered asking Rusty why he didn't want Andy to come but at the same time she didn't want to put him in a position where he felt he had to either lie or tell her something he wasn't comfortable sharing.

"When were you thinking of doing this?" was what she asked instead. "And what can I do to help?"

"This Sunday," Rusty suggested. "If you're not busy, that is."

Her weekends were hardly ever busy. "Nope, not got any plans." No plans except from calling her favourite Chinese take-out and order enough food to last a whole weekend instead of one evening anyway. "Just let me know what you need and I'll see what I can do."

Rusty smiled. "Thanks." He fumbled with his shirt. "And just so you know, I do plan on telling Sharon about…." He paused. "All of this."

"I know," Brenda smiled. "I never doubted that."

They reached the condo twenty minutes later and Brenda parked in one of the visitor spots. They walked into the lobby and Rusty used the little key on his keychain to open the mailbox. There, on top of a couple of letters and what looked like a pizza place menu, lay a neatly wrapped little parcel. It was small enough to have fitted into the mailbox. Rusty collected the letters first and inspected the one on top. The handwriting was neat and tidy and the letter was addressed to Sharon. He then picked up the parcel. It was about the size of a book but he felt there was several items inside. He locked the mailbox again and he and Brenda rode the elevator up to the condo.

Once inside Rusty brought the parcel into the living room after abandoning the other bits of mail in the hall. He sat down on the couch and Brenda perched next to him. Rusty carefully peeled away some of the tape that secured the parcel and then reached inside, pulling out a little fabric satchel. Next came a little light blue box and eventually the book that had given the parcel its shape.

Brenda reached for the book and turned it over to study the cover. Small Miracles: Heart Warming Gifts Of Extraordinary Coincidences. She put the book down and watched as Rusty opened the little satchel. The necklace landed in the palm of his hand and he looked at it for a few seconds before slipping it back inside and tying the satchel back up. Brenda understood what he was trying to say. These were things that meant a great deal to Sharon and she would have to be the one to tell them about their significance instead of them looking at them and making up their own ideas.

Rusty opened the little blue box and gasped when he saw the rosary that lay neatly on the soft white satin inside. He remembered Emily saying something about Anne having her rosary with her during the funeral service and he wondered if this was that same rosary. The lump in his throat was unexpected as he replaced the lid. He gathered the items from off the coffee table and as he picked up the book, he noticed a smaller white booklet tucked inside the pages. Printed on delicate cream paper, Rusty recognised Anne's smiling face and he felt a sharp sting of hurt. The service booklet would probably mean more to Sharon than any of the other items and after one last look at Anne's smile, he gently tucked it back inside the book and placed everything back inside the parcel.

"Are you going to give them to her tonight?" Brenda asked, sensing that this was something important.

"I don't know. I was thinking maybe on Sunday…." Rusty hesitated.

Brenda smiled at that. "Sunday sounds good."

Rusty stood up and took the parcel to his bedroom, placing it in the bottom drawer of his desk. He returned to the living room and found Brenda had gone into the kitchen and was making tea. He stopped for just a moment, struck by the ease with which Brenda seemed to move around the condo and also observed she had taken off her shoes and was walking around bare foot, and watched as Brenda rose to the tips of her toes to get one of the tea cups from the cupboard. She brought it back to the counter just as the kettle started to whistle and poured the hot water on the teabag. She then sensed Rusty watching her and looked over her shoulder.

"Do you want anything?"

"Nah, I'm good."

He just smiled as he watched Brenda make the tea.

*

It was after ten o'clock when Sharon came home and the condo was dark. She dropped her keys in the bowl by the door, stepped out of her shoes and padded into the living room. She switched on one of the lights and turned to the living room windows. The blinds were closed and she smiled to herself. It was a silent code she and Rusty had invented over the years. Blinds closed at night meant Rusty was home and in bed and blinds open in the morning meant Sharon was up and had gone out. It had become a routine they were now both completely used to.

She was about to turn away when she noticed the items on the coffee table. Next to the TV remote control stood one of her tea cups. Sharon frowned because Rusty didn't drink tea. He would always make coffee or choose soda and she had yet to succeed in getting him to drink tea. She strained her hearing to see if she heard any sounds coming from Rusty's room but the condo was quiet.

Sharon went to pick up the tea cup and then noticed the silver Ding Dong wrapper lying next to it and suddenly she smiled. Brenda had been here and this was all that was left of her presence but as Sharon picked the two items up from the table and brought them to the kitchen, the condo somehow felt a little less quiet.


	21. Chapter 21

Rusty spent most of Friday hanging out with Gus, who had a rare day off and wouldn't need to be at work until the evening. They saw a movie, had lunch and Rusty almost told him about what had happened the day before but swallowed the words at the last second; Sharon deserved to know before his boyfriend and as long as Sharon didn't know, he wouldn't tell Gus about Sophie either. It was hard because he felt a sense of excitement and it was only enhanced when his phone vibrated with a text message from Sophie.

_Hey, just wanted to say that I had a great time yesterday. I don't want you to do anything you're not ready for and understand you want to tell your mom first so… I'll leave it here and I'll wait to hear from you. Love, Sophie._

Rusty's heart thundered in his chest and the palms of his hands became a little sweaty as he typed a message back when Gus got up to go to the toilet.

 _I had a great time too. I was going to text you but I didn't really know what to say._ He contemplated adding more but left it at that and hit send. He'd just slipped the phone back in his pocket when Gus returned and smiled.

"So, what are you doing tonight?" Gus asked.

"Andy's coming over for dinner," Rusty replied. He tried not to shudder at that thought. The idea of having to sit at a table together with Sharon and Andy whilst knowing what he knew, wasn't something he was looking forward to.

They finished their drinks and headed out of the little café they were sitting in and walked the three blocks to the restaurant where Gus worked where they parted ways after quickly kissing goodbye. Rusty waited till Gus had gone inside before quickly pulling his phone out of his pocket to see if Sophie had replied. He was disappointed to see she hadn't and sighed as he plugged in his headphones, selected his favourite song and headed to the bus stop at the end of the road.

When he got home an hour later he found Sharon in the kitchen. She was wearing jeans, something Rusty still found strange because he was so used to seeing her in skirts and dresses, and a grey t-shirt. She'd bound her hair back in a lose ponytail and looked up when she heard her son come in.

"Hey," Sharon smiled. "Did you have a nice day?"

"Yeah," Rusty answered as he climbed onto one of the stools, snuck a slice of cucumber from the chopping board and shoved it into his mouth. "What's for dinner? Other than salad, I mean?"

"Roast beef," Sharon answered. She wiped her hands on a tea towel. "It's in the oven."

Rusty watched as his mother moved around the kitchen. "What time does Andy get here?"

Sharon glanced at her watch. "Around six," she answered. "I'm going to go take a shower and get changed." She shot her son a glance. "Are you getting changed?"

"Do I need to?" Rusty arched an eyebrow.

"Only if you want to," Sharon said and put a hand on his shoulder as she walked past him.

Rusty contemplated staying in the clothes he was in, and he knew Sharon wouldn't say anything if he did, but he made his way to his bedroom anyway and took a clean pair of jeans and a new t-shirt from his closet. He got changed, dropped the dirty clothes in the hamper, and then switched on his computer.

It was almost six o'clock when he heard Sharon call for him and as Rusty made his way down the hall, he heard the knock on the door. Realising that Sharon wanted him to answer and that this was why she had called him out of his room, Rusty headed for the door and after taking a deep breath, he opened it.

He held the door open as Andy entered. He straightened up and then crossed his arms in front of his chest when he closed the door behind his mother's boyfriend. Andy turned to greet him but instinctively sensed that tonight was not the moment for hugs or even friendly conversation. The hand he'd reached hung forlorn in mid-air for a moment before falling down by his side.

"Hey, kid."

"Hey."

Rusty followed Andy into the living room. Sharon came out of the kitchen and rose to the tip of her toes to kiss Andy on his cheek. Her hand rested on his arm and Rusty averted his eyes. He felt the urge to just tell her there and then what he knew but he couldn't. He had to trust that Provenza would deal with this and until such time, all Rusty could do was stay quiet.

"Dinner's going to be another twenty minutes or so," Sharon said as she turned around to go back to the kitchen. "Just make yourself at home," she threw over her shoulder.

"Anything I can do to help?" Andy offered and went to follow Sharon but Rusty stepped in front of him.

"It's all under control," Sharon called from the kitchen.

"We should probably just wait here," Rusty said. He exhaled in an attempt to control the raging anger he felt inside. When he sensed Andy was scrutinising him, he added in a more neutral tone, "You know what she's like. She doesn't like anyone else in the kitchen when she's cooking."

Andy gave a quick nod. "You're right."

The TV was on and Rusty begrudgingly watched as Andy picked up the remote and changed to one of the sports channels to see the latest scores. He'd sat down on the couch and Rusty had taken the arm chair; he strained his hearing to make sure Sharon was alright but at the same time he didn't take his eyes off Andy. He couldn't help but see him in a completely different light and he wasn't sure he still knew the man he saw.

Minutes ticked by slowly and Rusty listened to Sharon moving around the kitchen; the sound of a fork against a plate, the fridge being opened, and the oven switched off. Little sounds that told him dinner was nearly ready and soon he would have to sit at the table with Sharon and Andy and look both of them in the eye and pretend that nothing was wrong.

Rusty's phone vibrated at exactly the moment Sharon told them dinner was ready. He checked the screen to see who texted – Brenda - but he didn't open the message. Instead he followed Andy to the table and slipped into his seat. Sharon was at the head of the table to his right. Andy was sitting across from him and Rusty couldn't bring himself to make eye contact with either of them.

Sharon looked at Andy. They had barely seen or spoken to each other since Monday night when he had left the condo. Things had been left unsaid and they'd carried on working in a way that made it look like nothing had happened but she'd felt it simmer underneath. Asking Andy to come over for dinner, to make some time for them to be together, was Sharon's attempt at trying to fix what Monday had broken.

"Did Nicole have a good trip home?" Sharon attempted to get the conversation started. "It's a shame we didn't get to spend more time with her."

Andy nodded. "She'll be back next month. Maybe we can all go out to dinner then."

Across the table, Rusty shifted in his seat before looking at Sharon. The idea of his mother still dating Andy a month from now, knowing what he knew, made Rusty uncomfortable. There was only one way he knew to change the conversation. "My birthday is next month, right? Have you thought anymore about this trip to DC with Brenda?"

"Oh Brenda and I haven't really talked about this yet, honey," Sharon answered. "I'm sure it's something we can think about."

"She said she might be coming over this weekend," Rusty casually added. He glanced at Andy. Brenda had been more a consistent factor in Sharon's life recently than he had and Rusty wasn't blind to the way Brenda's presence seemed to make Sharon happy. "She said it's been a while since we last saw each other."

"I'll call her tonight," Sharon replied and looked back at Andy. "So when did you say Nicole's coming?"

"The end of next month." Andy glanced at Rusty. "I know it's the kid's birthday…"

"And I'll be going to DC," Rusty interjected. Sharon shot him a glare.

"…So I was thinking maybe do it the weekend before?" Andy finished.

"That sounds like something we can do, don't you think?" Sharon turned to look at Rusty and noticed he was looking at his phone. "Rusty! No phones at the dinner table!"

He put it down, face up. "Sorry, I was just texting Brenda."

Dinner was over quicker than Sharon anticipated. Rusty announced after just five or six mouthfuls that he'd had enough and asked to be excused from the table. She'd expected him to go to his bedroom but he sat down in the living room instead. She shared a look with Andy and he shrugged before getting up to help Sharon clear the dishes.

Away from Rusty and their voices muffled by the sound of plates and glasses being put in the dishwasher, Sharon leaned in to Andy. "Can we talk?" Green eyes met his brown. He looked different somehow, she thought. "About Monday?"

"Sharon," Andy began, "I really don't know what else there is to be said. You're not ready. I respect that." He handed her another glass and Sharon placed it in the dishwasher. "I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable so maybe it's best if we don't talk about it."

Sharon's face fell. It wasn't what she had hoped he would say. She closed the dishwasher and switched it on and when she turned around to look back at Andy she noticed Rusty had appeared in the kitchen again and was leaning against the wall. Sharon's eyes narrowed slightly. He'd been acting strange all evening. It certainly wasn't like Rusty to hover around when Andy was over.

"I probably should get going," Andy suggested. He leaned in and kissed Sharon on her cheek, lingering maybe a moment longer than he would have done at any other time.

"Ok," Sharon quietly answered and followed Andy to the door. The flashback to Monday was almost inevitable and when she saw him turn around in the doorway, it hit her. Something had changed and even if they didn't talk about it, she could still feel it.

"Goodnight." It sounded a little forlorn.

"Goodnight, Sharon."

She closed the door, turned the lock – old police officer's habit- and returned to the living room to find Rusty on the couch watching TV. Sharon studied him for a moment, observing the tension in his shoulders, the way his fingers drummed against the back of the TV remote… She'd felt something had been off all night. Rusty had refused to make eye-contact.

"Ok. What's going on?" There was a directness to her tone she would usually reserve for an interview room but right now, it was aimed at Rusty.

He moved a little too quickly. Another tell. The signs were all starting to add up. The way he spun around and looked at her, like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar, was the final straw.

"What? Why would there be anything going on?"

Sharon crossed her arms in front of her chest. "You're jumpy. You gave Andy the cold shoulder tonight." Green eyes darkened as she studied her son's face. She was so used to him, she effortlessly broke through whatever defences he'd tried to build.

"I gave Andy the cold shoulder? Did you see his face when I said I want to go to DC with you and Brenda?" Rusty countered.

"Andy is just trying to get Nicole to spend time with him. You know he is still trying to mend things with his family," Sharon interjected. "It means a lot to him."

"He wouldn't have to mend anything if he hadn't been such a…." Rusty didn't finish that sentence, realising just in time that it would cross a line. But it also struck him because he had witnessed Andy trying to mend things with Sharon tonight, even if Sharon didn't know it.

"This isn't about Andy, is it?" Sharon pressed. "Rusty…."

He wanted to tell her. She knew there was something and she had the right to know. He wanted her to know but instead of telling her, he just pushed his hands into the pockets of his jeans and stared down at the floor.

"No."

"Then what is it?"

"There is something…." Rusty shuffled his feet and picked at his shirt. He felt sick and the nerves almost robbed him off his voice. It was like the feeling he had when he'd been hiding the Stroh letters from her. "I…."

Sharon's stomach was in knots and for just a moment she wondered not only what he had been hiding from her but why. Had they not gotten past this? Had they not promised to always tell the truth? She just wanted him to trust her, to know that he would always be safe with her, and yet here he stood, clearly about to tell her that he had been keeping something from her. That realisation alone made her ache inside.

"Rusty…."

"I have a sister."

Sharon blinked. She couldn't breathe. "What?"

"I have a sister," Rusty repeated. He couldn't bring himself to look at Sharon for fear of what he would see. He couldn't face the pain. "Her name is Sophie."

Sharon's mind was spinning. It was as if someone had punched her in the stomach. She felt. Confused. Betrayed. Lied to. Rusty had withheld this from her. Something so important…. The tears stung behind her eyes and she blinked rapidly to keep them at bay. Without thinking she turned on her heel and quickly walked out of the living room. The sound of the bathroom door closing behind her echoed through the condo.

Her hands grabbed firm hold of the cool porcelain wash basin and her heart pounded in her chest. She felt sick, could almost taste it. Sharon opened the cold tap and let the water run for a few seconds before splashing some on her face. She couldn't think. The cool water only helped to ease off the flushed, burning feeling in her cheeks. It didn't do anything else. When she looked back up and saw her own reflection, droplets of water still lingering on her cheeks like tears as she stared at herself in disbelief.

She startled when she heard a soft knock on the door and turned around. Rusty had opened the door and nervously peered inside. When he looked at her, she saw the hurt flash across his face. For a moment he reminded her again of the scared teenage boy in the Murder Room, terrified Sharon was going to send him to live with his biological father. He'd shouted at her back then but this time… this time he had been silent and maybe that's why this hurt even more.

Sharon swallowed. Rusty just looked at her but didn't speak.

"How?" she wondered, running her hands through her hair. Her brain started trying to fit the pieces together but all the images just blurred into one. Names, faces, dates. She couldn't work any of it out.

"Did Daniel…."

Rusty slowly shook his head and rested against the doorframe. "Not through Daniel. My other mom."

"Who told you this? Sharon? Because you know that your mother has a habit of saying this when she needs something from you," Sharon reminded him. She instantly felt awful for saying it. She had always tried to give Sharon Beck the benefit of the doubt but now she let her emotions control her and she spoke aloud the things she felt in this very moment.

"Sophie found me," Rusty answered. There was a hint of hurt in his voice. "I didn't go looking for her and my mother didn't tell me anything." The hurt was replaced by a defensiveness he couldn't quite explain. It was instinct.

Sharon looked at him. It was like she saw him in a different light, saw a side to him she had never seen before. To know he had withheld this from her made her feel rejected. The one thing she valued so much between them was the trust they shared.

Rusty knew that what he had done had hurt Sharon. He knew he should have been honest, should have told her from the start, and although there was nothing he could do about that now, there was still the hurt and pain left to deal with. He could see the hurt etched across his mother's face, saw the way she tried to hide it but failed.

He reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out the envelope. He hesitantly took a step towards Sharon and gave it to her. He was a little surprised when she accepted it. When her eyes didn't meet his, he felt the sharp sting of guilt.

"Maybe I should go to bed," Rusty muttered softly.

Sharon, still staring down at the envelope in her hand, just nodded. Her voice was flat. Her body didn't have any strength left. She couldn't do this right now. "Maybe you should."

Rusty stepped out of the bathroom and closed the door behind him, rested against it with his back for a few moments and fought back a sob before walking down the hall to his bedroom. He didn't bother switching on the light but curled up on top of the comforter still fully dressed.

Sharon turned back to the mirror and stared at herself, not sure of who it was she saw. The lines and circles around her eyes didn't just show her age but they also showed she was tired. She bore the marks of someone who had been through hell in recent weeks and the longer she looked at herself, the older she felt. Her bones were tired. Her body felt beaten. With a sigh she turned away from her reflection, the ache in her chest almost too much to bare, and looked down at the envelope she still clutched between her fingers.

She wanted to read it. She wanted to know what it said, how these words had affected Rusty and had brought them to this very moment, but she couldn't.

Holding the letter in trembling hands, Sharon switched off the bathroom light and walked through the hall back to the living room. It was how she had left it moments earlier, with Rusty's empty glass still on the coffee table and the TV still on but the sound turned off. She picked up the remote, switched it off, and took the glass and brought it to the kitchen. The dishwasher was still running so she left it in the sink.

She went back to the living room to close the blinds and switch off the lights and when she reached the sideboard she noticed the few items of mail Rusty had left the day before propped up against the lamp. The handwriting on the envelope at the front struck her and Sharon reached for it. The writing was neat and delicate and when she turned the letter over and saw the postmark, it confirmed her suspicions before she had even opened it.

She carefully tore open the envelope and pulled out the card that was inside. It was white with a picture of purple flowers in a silver vase. It looked like it had been done in watercolours. The writing next to the image was cursive and the message slowly registered as Sharon read every word.

_Do not stand at my grave and weep;  
I am not there. I do not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow.  
I am the diamond glints on snow.  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,  
I am the gentle autumn rain._

_When you awaken in the morning's hush,  
I am the swift uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circled flight.  
I am the soft stars that shine at night.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry;  
I am not there, I did not die._

She opened the card and at the sight of the handwritten message inside, tears stung behind her eyes. Her gaze dropped to the name signed at the bottom, the way the large cursive L marked her sister's name. Two little x's and a small heart had been drawn behind the name Louise and Sharon bit back a sob when she began reading the message.

_Sharon,  
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much Anne meant to you and I know that her death will leave a big hole in your life. I wish there was something I could do to make this easier, to be there with you, but trust that I am thinking of you every day. She would be so proud of you, Sharon. Nothing is ever going to change that._

_All my love,  
Louise. xx_

Sharon sighed as she put down the card. She hadn't expected to hear from Louise. Her younger sister by two years lived in Chicago and worked for a large pharmaceutical company. They were polar opposites and it had been months since Sharon had heard her sister's voice. The last time she saw her had been two years ago at Christmas when she had come to Park City to introduce the man who would soon become her husband. Her second one, after a tumultuous divorce that had left their parents reeling in her early twenties.

They were close growing up and then suddenly one morning, when Sharon was sixteen, Louise had decided that her sister wasn't cool enough anymore. She made new friends, started hanging out with a different kind of crowd and after a while, Sharon hadn't been able to recognise the girl who still kept her Barbie dolls in a pink box under her bed. Louise had moved out the day she turned eighteen and for a couple of years Sharon barely heard from her until the divorce became final and things changed. It was like a wake-up call and Louise had started calling from time to time and actually made an effort to be in Ricky and Emily's life.

Sharon thought about Rusty and him not knowing about his own sister's existence until now. He'd never had the experience Sharon herself had; the feeling of both loathing and loving a sibling so intensely. He'd always believed that he was an only child only to discover he had an older sister who had also been abandoned by their mother albeit at a different stage in her life. Rusty hadn't known Christmas mornings in a living room full of children's laughter. In fact he'd barely known Christmas at all. He'd also never experienced the fights, the midnight ghost stories and the "have you kissed anyone yet" conversations by the age of fourteen. Was it so hard to imagine or believe that maybe Rusty just wanted what Sharon had always taken for granted?

With a sigh Sharon walked down the hall to Rusty's bedroom and lingered outside his door. With a heavy feeling still inside her, she knocked. She was half expecting Rusty not to call for her to come in but when she heard his voice, Sharon opened the door and stepped into her son's bedroom.

It was dark, the only light coming from the small lamp on Rusty's desk. He was still fully dressed and sat cross legged on his bed. He looked up at her with an almost weary expression and Sharon, for just a moment, almost forgot about her own pain and wanted to go and hug him. But then she remembered why she was here.

"Hey," she said softly.

He watched her a little apprehensively. "Hi."

"Can I come in?" She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"You're already in."

Sharon ignored the smartass comment and walked further into the room. She reached the end of the bed and contemplated sitting down but changed her mind. Despite all this, she was aware Rusty needed his personal space, especially in emotional situations, so she chose to slowly sink down to the floor. She sat with her back against the side of the bed and her knees pulled up, her back turned towards Rusty. Sophie's letter lay in her lap.

Rusty swallowed hard. He felt nauseous and he knew that he had to speak now, in this very moment, if he wanted any chance of making this right. Sharon deserved to know the whole truth. He willed for his mother to look at him. "I've met her."

Sharon's head snapped up and she turned around to look at him, green eyes wide. Rusty was startled by the pain he saw in them. She was hurt, more hurt than he had imagined she would be.

"What? When?"

"Yesterday," Rusty confessed. His heart sank when he saw the way Sharon's eyes closed.

Sharon covered her face with her hands and took a deep breath. She had expected Rusty to tell her that he and Gus had broken up or that he'd found something whilst recording Identity that could get him into difficulty when she asked him what had caused him to act the way he did but this… This she hadn't seen coming.

"You went to meet her. Yesterday," Sharon slowly repeated. The bitter sting of hurt settled itself deeper into her chest. The tears laced her voice and she fought but failed to keep the tremor under control. She couldn't bring herself to keep looking at Rusty and focused instead on the chess poster on the wall. She only realised she was clenching her fists when she became aware of the pain caused by her nails digging into the palms of her hands. "How did this happen?"

"We arranged a meeting," Rusty admitted. "And Brenda…"

"Brenda knows about this?" Sharon interrupted him. It was a slap to the face to hear the former Chief was involved in this. Rusty had told Brenda about this but not her? Had Brenda gone with him? Why had Brenda allowed Rusty to keep this a secret from her? Surely Brenda would have known better?

Sharon felt the adrenaline course through her veins. She felt sick and light headed, like she was slowly losing touch with her surroundings. Something inside her willed her to get up, to just walk away and not look back, but she stayed where she was, hands in her lap. She took a deep breath in an attempt to ease off the waves of nausea. It didn't work.

Rusty's shoulders slumped as the realisation of what keeping his secret had done to Sharon. "I…. I had to tell someone and I didn't want to stress you out any further. Anne had just died and…" Saying those words was like twisting the knife even further, he realised when he saw the way Sharon flinched slightly and he instantly regretted them. "I needed someone to…"

"To what?" Sharon sounded tired.

"I don't know," Rusty sighed. For he'd had all the right intentions by not telling Sharon about Sophie, now that she knew, he realised it was too late. He should have told her sooner. "Sharon, I just didn't know where to start. You were so hurt and I didn't want to..."

Sharon shook her head. "You should've told me, Rusty."

Rusty scooted across the bed and then let himself sink down to the floor next to his mother. He reached out to touch her but his hand hovered just above her arm, uncertain. His voice broke. "Sharon, I'm sorry…"

His words were followed by a few moments of silence but then something broke inside him and the words he had been playing over and over in his mind came pouring out. He didn't mean to almost yell at her but he couldn't help himself. Rusty got up on his knees, creating distance between him and Sharon. The tone of his voice changed completely when he spoke.

"Do you know what it's like to finally feel like you're not alone? That there is someone else out there who shares your blood..." Rusty stared at Sharon, acutely aware of what he had just said to her. He was trying to explain something, say something that weighed on his mind and his heart, even though he knew the words would sting. "I looked at her and I felt like I belonged."

"Rusty..." Sharon barely breathed his name, turned her head to look at him and found herself confronted with her son's big wide eyes.

"I know you're going to say that I belong here and I do. I really, really do. But... You have siblings, right? Doesn't that make you feel part of something?" He asked, voice full of emotion. "It feels like there's someone who is just like me. Someone who is a part of me."

Sharon wanted to tell him that he was already part of something; he was part of her. They had become a family through fate and love instead of blood but she couldn't say it. The words just wouldn't come out.

He had lied to her. He had deliberately withheld this from her and now he wanted her to be... What? Happy for him? Because she knew that was what he wanted her to say, to feel. But she didn't feel it. She felt hurt and betrayed and lied to. The constricting feeling in her chest didn't ease. It reminded her of how she had felt when she first met Daniel Dunn and had invited him into Rusty's life. Even then, after having had Rusty in her life for only such a short while, the thought of losing him had hurt her. Now, almost five years and a legal adoption later that fear hadn't changed. She was still scared to lose him.

"She's nice," Rusty said, ending the heavy silence that had filled the space between them. His hand searched for and found Sharon's and he felt relief settle in his chest when she didn't pull away from him. He didn't know if telling Sharon about Sophie was the right thing to do or not but right now, it was what his feelings told him to do.

He moved towards Sharon, closing some of the distance he'd created between them. He wanted to be closer to Sharon, to somehow fix the damage that had been done. He reached to take her hand. The touch was reassuring. The fact that Sharon didn't reject him felt comforting.

"She goes to law school and she's the double of my… our… mom. She looks just like her, especially when she smiles. It's a little strange. And she was raised by her grandparents…"

Sharon turned her head a little so she could look at Rusty.

"Her father's parents?" Sharon asked.

"Our grandparents. My grandparents."

"Your…." The word died on the tip of Sharon's tongue. She couldn't believe this was really happening. "You didn't just find your sister. You found your grandparents too?"

"I didn't find Sophie. She found me," Rusty reminded her.

He knew it didn't make any difference to the fact he hadn't told Sharon the truth but it did make a difference to him to remind her that he had not been the one to go looking for his sister. This was something that had happened to him too, something outside of his own control, and although he hadn't handled it well, it wasn't his fault. As much as seeing Sharon hurt caused Rusty pain, he still felt the need to defend himself there.

Sharon said nothing. She didn't know what to say. Words failed her. She looked up at Rusty and tried to imagine a young woman standing at his side, grandparents standing behind him with their hands on his shoulder. She wondered if he looked like them, what kind of people they were.

Rusty softly squeezed Sharon's hand. "Did you read her letter?"

Sharon shook her head but used her free hand to pick up the envelope and opened it. It was clear the letter had been folded and unfolded many times. She smoothed out the creases with her hand before taking a ragged breath. Her heart thundered in her chest as she looked down at the writing of someone else who was trying to enter Rusty's life.

She hesitated for just a moment longer before focusing on the first line. The same handwriting as on the front of the envelope.

_"Dear Rusty,  
I know you don't know me. I don't know you either. I only found out today that you exist. I don't really know where to start or what to say so I am just going to say it; I'm your sister."_

By the time she reached that final word, tears were quietly sliding down Sharon's cheek. The words she held in her hand had been written by a young woman looking for another piece of herself, looking for the pieces she had missed out on as she grew up.

She finished reading the letter and then dropped the paper back in her lap. Tears glistened in her eyes when she turned to look at Rusty. They didn't speak. She had no words and she knew he had none either. Slowly she leaned in to him and lay her head down on his shoulder, still felt his hand covering hers. In the dark shadows of her son's bedroom they sat side by side in silence, knowing that perhaps without words they understood each other a little better.

"Promise me something?" Sharon whispered after a little while.

Rusty just nodded. "Anything."

"No more secrets, ok?" Sharon breathed.

Thinking of Andy and what he knew, Rusty ached inside as he slowly nodded, making yet another promise he wouldn't be able to keep.

After leaving Rusty's room, Sharon went back into the living room. She didn't fully understand why but her feet brought her back to the spot where she had left Louise's card and she picked it up and carried it back to her bedroom, clutching it like it was a precious treasure and propped it up against the lamp on her nightstand before laying down on the bed.

It was as if something inside of her snapped; something she had been trying to cling to so desperately until this moment and she could feel the burning sting behind her eyes. In that instant she became aware of her exhaustion, her whole body ached from it. with nothing left to hold on to, and in the darkness and safety of her own room, Sharon's last bit of strength slipped away. The tears came without warning and she curled up on her side, facing the card, and cried herself to sleep

~()~

Sharon's cell phone rang early the next morning. She glanced at the screen as she was sorting through the dirty laundry and flinched when she saw Brenda's face, a picture courtesy of Rusty, flash across her screen. She let the phone ring once, then twice and even a third time and only as the fourth ring rang out did she slide her finger across the 'answer' button.

"Hey." Brenda sounded upbeat on the other side of the line. "It's not like you to answer at the last second."

"I didn't feel like answering," Sharon deadpanned. She looked back at the dirty laundry. Most of it was Rusty's, which seemed even more ironic now. They hadn't seen each other since the previous night. Sharon had listened out for any noises coming from Rusty's room but so far, nothing.

Brenda sensed something was wrong immediately. Sharon's voice was cold and distant. "Sharon, what's going on?"

Sharon heaved a sigh and pushed the basket of dirty laundry away. She left it on the dining table and with the phone pressed to her ear walked into the kitchen and switched on the kettle. She took a tea cup from the cupboard, well aware of the fact that her silence was making Brenda uncomfortable. She could hear the shift in the blonde's breathing.

"Rusty told me about Sophie," she eventually said. "And he told me you knew."

Sharon registered the heavy pause before hearing Brenda suck in a breath. "He finally told you?"

"Last night." Sharon put the tea cup down a little too hard. "You had no business getting involved in this, Brenda. And when you did, you should have told me." The anger that simmered underneath slowly reached the surface. "He is my son. Things like that are not something that should be hidden."

"Sharon, I'm sorry." Brenda apologised. There was hesitation in her voice. "I thought that he should tell you himself, that's why I didn't say anything. It wasn't my place." She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry but I was trying to do the right thing for you and for Rusty."

Sharon chewed her lip. The hurt of Rusty's lie was still fresh and she ached inside. She'd been angry at first but now the anger had subsided and had been replaced with disappointment. Not just towards Rusty but towards Brenda as well. And as much as she wanted to appreciate why the blonde hadn't said anything, Sharon struggled to accept it.

Even if she was worried and concerned about Rusty meeting his sister, there was a part of her that resented both Rusty and Brenda for having taken the opportunity to be the first one to meet her alongside Rusty away from her. It was the kind of thing a child shared with their parent where possible and Rusty had chosen to share it with someone else and Brenda had failed to understand the importance of that first meeting,

"I thought that he deserved the chance to find out for himself so I helped him," Brenda clarified when Sharon didn't speak. "I wanted an outsider to be the one to make contact so as to protect everyone involved." There was another pause and Brenda's voice dropped down to a whisper. The realisation of the hurt she had caused Sharon was starting to sink in. "I guess I underestimated it."

Sharon wanted to say that it was ok but she knew it wasn't and she couldn't say it just to make Brenda feel better. "This is something I should have shared with Rusty. Something he should have shared with me. And whatever reasons he had, I'd have expected you to understand that he should have told me from the start."

"If it makes any difference, he really struggled with not telling you," Brenda explained. "Even when we were at the mall, even after we left, he was so upset about withholding this from you. Sharon, he was trying to protect you and instead he hurt you."

We hurt you, she thought, but didn't say it out loud.

Sharon didn't know what else to say. She was too hurt, too angry. Brenda had become her closet friend, rather unexpectedly, in recent weeks, and suddenly it felt like she had been betrayed. The bitterness that that realisation left behind wasn't something Sharon could just overlook.

"I've got to go," she said quickly. She didn't want to talk to Brenda anymore, didn't want to hear another apology or excuse. Before the blonde even had a chance to answer, Sharon just said "Bye" and hung up. Ending the call, cutting Brenda off before she could even speak, felt a little empowering and Sharon dropped her phone on the kitchen counter before letting out a sigh.

Across the condo, Rusty's phone vibrated on his desk. He picked it up and saw the message was from Brenda. He opened it, surprised she would text him this early on a Saturday.

You told Sharon but didn't tell me? You probably should have, kiddo. We just spoke on the phone and she's angry.

Rusty's heart skipped a beat and he strained his hearing to listen for Sharon. He could hear noises in the kitchen. She was definitely awake. Realising he would have to face his mother sooner or later, he typed back a reply. I'm sorry. I didn't think she'd hold it against you the way she did with me. You didn't do anything wrong.

The little grey speech bubble that suggested Brenda was typing a reply appeared almost immediately.

I did, the message said and Rusty could almost hear Brenda's voice in his head as he read it. I withheld the truth from her as much as you did. She has every right to be angry at me. Maybe we should just cancel tomorrow. I don't think Sharon will be in the mood for it.

No, Rusty typed back, panicking. He didn't want to cancel. He wanted to have that special moment for Sharon one way or another. And he needed Brenda to make it happen. Don't cancel. I'll think of something.

Brenda didn't send a message back.

Sharon walked past Rusty's bedroom door when she headed to her own room and listened for a moment but heard nothing. She then carried on and left the tea cup on her bedside table before walking to the wardrobe and selecting her clothes for the day. She would be meeting Louie Provenza, Patrice and Andy for lunch in a couple of hours. She showered but avoided getting her hair wet, brushed her teeth and applied a minimal amount of make-up before getting dressed. She pinned her hair up and stared at her own reflection for a little while.

The last of the bruises had near enough disappeared and nothing remained of the injuries she had sustained. Nothing that could be seen on the outside anyway. She readjusted her hair until it was completely to her satisfaction and left the en-suite.

Sharon made the bed, opened the curtains and let in the morning sunlight. She then took the now half empty tea cup back to the kitchen to finish sorting the laundry and then carried the basket under her arm to the washing machine and put the first load in. She switched on the machine and when she turned around she found Rusty standing right behind her and she jumped.

"Rusty!"

"Sorry," he said sheepishly and almost appeared to be blushing. "I didn't mean to scare you. I just heard you down the hall so..."

Sharon watched him. He was already dressed, which was unusual this early on a Saturday morning. His hair was still wet, so he had clearly showered. She searched his face. He was pale and looked tired,

"About last night…," Rusty began. He fumbled clumsily with his sleeve. Sharon could see the unease on his face and she wondered if, like her, he hadn't slept much last night. "I felt I was doing the right thing and now I know that I didn't and I just want to say I'm so sorry, Sharon."

"I know," Sharon answered. "But there is a lot that needs to be put into perspective here and I can't do that in just one night." She took a step towards him and put a hand on his arm. Despite her hurt she wanted him to feel reassured. "I talked to Brenda."

"You did?" Rusty asked, not immediately letting on that he already knew.

"Yes." Sharon answered. "I told her that you told me about Sophie and that that I wished she had been honest with me from the start."

"But you two are ok, though, right?" Rusty queried nervously. "I mean, you're still friends?"

Sharon narrowed her eyes a little as she studied her son's face. For a moment she was catapulted back to the night she first learned Rusty knew Brenda was back in Los Angeles. That was another thing the pair of them had withheld from her. The memory only fuelled the anger towards the blonde Sharon already felt.

"I think Brenda should just focus on herself for a little while."

Rusty's face fell. "Oh."

Sharon knew that reaction and alarm bells went off in the back of her mind.

"Why?" she wanted to know.

"It's just… Well, it's nothing really.. But…" Rusty struggled to form a coherent sentence. The fear of Sharon rejecting his plans for the next day was real. "I kind of asked Brenda to come over tomorrow and… well, we were going to go to the park and…"

"What, you and Brenda?" Sharon arched an eyebrow.

"No," Rusty answered. "Well, yes. But not just me and Brenda. We were going to take you too."

Sharon slowly began to understand that Rusty and Brenda had made plans for the three of them the next day. She wasn't sure she wanted to be part of it, not after everything that had happened over the last twenty-four hours. But when she saw the despair in Rusty's eyes, Sharon nodded.

"Ok," she reluctantly agreed. "But we're going to talk about this." Her green eyes met Rusty's. "Understood?"

He nodded. "Understood."

Sharon managed to keep thoughts of Rusty and Sophie out of her head until she got in her car and started driving. When she hit the first red light, however her mind started to wander again and when the car behind her beeped its horn because the light had turned green and she hadn't moved, she realised that she really did need to talk to Rusty. She probably should have done it that morning, for both their sakes.

When Sharon walked into the little bistro where she was meeting the others, she quickly realised Andy was not there yet., Patrice stood up and kissed Sharon lightly on her cheek whilst hugging her and Sharon shook Provenza's hand and put her other hand on his arm, squeezing it a little. She draped her jacket over the back of her chair followed by her purse and then sat down.

"Andy should be here any minute," Provenza said. "Something about traffic."

He wasn't looking forward to this lunch at all and Patrice had sensed his reluctance earlier that morning and asked him about it. He'd said he wanted to spend the day relaxing around the house, which wasn't something they got to do often, but Patrice had reminded him that Sharon and Andy were their friends and friends met up with each other from time to time.

He couldn't really tell her he didn't want to have to do today because Sharon didn't know what Andy had done and Provenza was now part of that lie and everything about lying to the Captain felt wrong.

When Andy walked into the bistro and sat down next to Sharon, Provenza looked down at the menu next to his plate. Like Rusty the day before, seeing him kiss Sharon on the cheek made him uncomfortable. When he looked up he found Andy looking at him. He couldn't read the expression in his eyes, couldn't figure out what was going on in his mind, so instead Provenza just turned to the waitress when she appeared by their table and ordered drinks.

"I really like this place, Sharon!" Patrice exclaimed before nudging Provenza in his ribs. "You'll have to take me here one of these nights for dinner."

"Of course dear," Provenza answered. "Anything you ask."

The waitress returned with their drinks and handed them out. She asked if they were ready to order but Sharon politely informed her they hadn't' made a choice yet and the young woman told her she'd be back in a little while or to just walk over to the bar once they had decided.

It took them maybe another ten minutes to decide and then Provenza stood up. "Andy, gimme a hand here, will you?" he firmly suggested, fixing his stare on the other Lieutenant.

"What? You're just going up to order!" Andy protested but Sharon put a hand on his arm.

"Just go."

Andy reluctantly stood up and followed Provenza to the bar. The girl who had served them earlier was nowhere to be seen and they found themselves alone and out of earshot from the table. Provenza looked at Andy. "I take it you haven't told her yet then?"

"No. And I don't know if I will," Andy countered. "I don't see what good it's going to do if Sharon knows…"

"You don't see what good it's going to do?" Provenza repeated. "Do you actually hear yourself? You cheated on her. You slept with someone else. An escort, for crying out loud. And you think Sharon doesn't have the right to know that?" He shook his head. "You know, this is the first time I ever truly wished she would dump your ass, Flynn. Because you don't deserve that woman."

"How am I going to tell her?!" Andy hissed, a little startled by Provenza's defensive behaviour towards Sharon. It wasn't like the two of them had always been the best of friends. In fact, he could still remember the time where Provenza could easily have shot Sharon on sight and now he was on her side?.

"It's not exactly something you say in the middle of dinner."

"Well, you'd better figure it out fast!" Provenza bit back. "Because I swear, if you don't tell her, I will."

The young waitress appeared and Provenza plastered a smile on his face as he placed their order. Andy looked over his shoulder in the direction of their table. Sharon was talking to Patrice and she didn't see him watching her. He tore his eyes away from the brunette Captain and waited for Provenza to finish talking to the waitress.

"How do you suggest I do this?" he whispered impatiently.

"Oh, I don't know. Have you tried just telling her the truth?" Provenza offered dryly. "I find that usually helps."

He turned around then and walked back to the table with Andy on his heels. Sharon extended her hand when Andy went to sit down and touched his forearm. Andy let her touch him for just a moment before reaching for his drink and Sharon's hand slipped away. He took a large gulp from the cold water in an attempt to rinse away the horrible taste in his mouth.

Moments later Andy found himself lured into a conversation about a vacation Provenza and Patrice were planning in Martha's Vineyard and Sharon commenting that she had always wanted to go there. They were interrupted when the waitress arrived with their food and carefully put the plates down in front of them. The conversation slowed as they ate but Sharon and Patrice were sharing stories about various vacations they had been on and the places that were still on their list to see. Sharon mentioned the upcoming trip to Washington with Rusty and Brenda and at the mention of Rusty she put down her fork and looked at Provenza.

"Speaking of Rusty, Lieutenant, I was wondering if I could speak to you about something?" Green eyes fixed on the man on the other side of the table.

"Of course," Provenza answered. He felt a little unsure. Had Rusty told Sharon the truth? Was she going to ask him if he knew too? He put down his napkin and covered Patrice's hand with his. "I'll be right back, sweetheart." He stood and Sharon followed.

As they walked away from the table Provenza noticed the dark circles under her eyes that Sharon had tried to hide with make-up and the dullness of her eyes. He realised with a pang of sadness that the brunette looked absolutely awful.

"Any idea what that is about?" Patrice asked Andy but he shook his head.

"None. But it's Rusty so it's got to be important." There was an undertone of jealousy and envy in his voice.

Sharon took a deep breath when she and Provenza reached the bar and he instantly sensed something was wrong.

"Sharon?" Provenza asked. He only used her name when he knew she needed a friend, not a colleague. "What's going on?"

"Rusty discovered he has a sister," Sharon's voice trembled.

"What?"

Provenza looked around, made eye contact with the waitress and signalled for a drink. Whiskey was going to be the only way to handle this revelation.

"Apparently he found out a while ago but he didn't tell me. He got Brenda involved and she set up the initial contact." Sharon swallowed. "He met her the day before yesterday but he only told me last night."

Provenza slowly nodded. "I see. And what do we know about this girl? You said that he got the Chief involved…" Sharon looked at him and he corrected himself. "Excuse me, he got Brenda involved. I don't think I'll ever get used to calling her that. But her involvement suggests she looked into this…"

"Apparently Brenda did a low key background check and talked to Sophie first before ever bringing her into contact with Rusty and I appreciate that but…" Sharon pushed a strand of hair out of her face and shook her head. "The fact Rusty didn't tell me is what bothers me more than anything. After everything we've been through he still felt he had to lie to me."

"You have to remember that Rusty never wanted to hurt you. On all the other occasions he held things from you he did so because he was frightened you'd be hurt or upset. This is probably the same thing." Provenza searched Sharon's face for signs of understanding. "You know that as much as I do, Sharon."

"I do," she admitted. "I do." Green eyes closed and she took a deep breath. "And I know Brenda wouldn't have done anything she deemed unsafe for Rusty but still…" Her eyes opened again and she looked straight into Provenza's. "I want to know everything there is to know about this girl and her grandparents." She set her jaw, crossed her arms in front of her chest. She gave him a knowing look. "Do you understand, Lieutenant?"

He nodded. He knew exactly what she was asking of him. "I understand, Captain."

Sharon flashed a tentative smile and together they walked back to the table. She slipped back into her seat next to Andy and from the corner of her eye she watched how he seemed to move away from her. His arm had been draped over the back of her chair when she first sat down but he pulled back, let his hand fall in his lap. An uncomfortable feeling settled in Sharon's stomach. She had hoped this lunch would bring them closer together but as she turned in her seat to truly look at him, she realised that Andy seemed further away than ever.

When the time came for them all to leave and head to their respective homes, Sharon asked Andy if he wanted to come back to the condo with her. "Rusty is out with Gus."

They would be alone.

"I promised Nicole that I would call her kids today," Andy answered and Sharon just nodded. "I'll call you later, ok?" He leaned in and quickly kissed her on the cheek. He let a strand of hair run through his fingers before stepping out of her personal space and she watched as he crossed the street to where he had parked his car.

Sharon didn't know how or why but she couldn't shake the feeling that something was about to hit and there was nothing she could do to stop it.


	22. Chapter 22

Sharon opened the door to Brenda just before ten o'clock on Sunday morning and found the blonde standing on her doorstep carrying a blanket and a picnic basket. She had bound her crazy wild curls into a messy ponytail with a purple scarf and was dressed in denim jeans that hung a little low on her hips, white ballet flats and a casual pink and white t-shirt. Brenda's sunglasses balanced precariously on her head and Sharon was momentarily struck by the image; it was hard to imagine this was the same woman who had once walked around the Murder Room in an orange skirt and pink fluorescent twin set. It was like she was looking at a whole different person.

At the same time, Sharon could still very clearly picture the old Brenda and as the seconds ticked away, the more Sharon saw of her in the woman standing outside. It was as if Brenda was reverting back to the image in Sharon's head, long before they had even tried to be friends. The selfish and at times irrational Chief Johnson. The woman who had driven Sharon to despair in their working relationship more times than she cared to remember.

And right now, that's the woman Sharon was looking at. The same woman who wore that godawful pink trench coat the night their paths had first crossed. She saw that Brenda again; the Brenda who hid things from her, who lied to her, and who seemed to go out of her way to make her life difficult.

"Are you goin' to let me in or what? Because if you're just goin' to stare at me all mornin', maybe I should start chargin' for the privilege," Brenda joked and walked into the condo when Sharon stepped aside. She dropped the picnic basket and blanket on the floor and turned to face the brunette. She was met by distant green eyes and Brenda instantly realised that Sharon was clearly still struggling with the fact Brenda knew about Sophie before she did.

"Hey Brenda!" Rusty called from the living room, having heard the knock on the door.

"Mornin', trouble!" she called back before looking at Sharon again. The brunette was still watching her. It was impossible to miss the change in atmosphere between them. Sharon had crossed her arms in front of her chest, creating even more distance between herself and Brenda.

"Is everything alright?" Brenda wanted to know and Sharon slowly nodded.

"Fine."

Brenda sensed the coldness and her shoulders dropped. Things were most definitely not fine. Sharon needed time, she knew that. And she knew she was partly responsible for the way she felt and Brenda felt terrible about that. She wanted to make things better, fix them somehow, but she came to the frightening realisation that she didn't know how.

"I'll go get Rusty," she suggested in an attempt to break the tension between them. Sharon just nodded and Brenda made her way into the living room. She felt Sharon's eyes burn into her back with every step she took and for a split second she was back in a different world; she was back in the Murder Room, with Sharon's scrutinising gaze following her every move. The feeling sent a shiver down Brenda's spine.

Rusty sat on the couch and Brenda gently smacked him across the back of his head when she reached him.

"Get up, lazy bones. We gotta go."

"I'm lazy?" Rusty retorted with a crooked grin as he looked up at Brenda. "I didn't think you actually got out of bed before ten, let alone be somewhere at ten!"

"Reign in the sass, young man," Brenda reminded him, placing her hands on her hips in a mock display of strictness. "You'll never be able to outdo me."

"I can try though," Rusty teased back.

"Only if you want to fail." Brenda gave Rusty a glare and in that moment they both seemed acutely aware that the day they had planned wasn't going to be like they had hoped because things were different now. Brenda's voice faltered a little, the traces of humour slowly fading. "Now get your ass off that couch and go and find your shoes."

Rusty jumped up, smiling. "Yes, Ma'am."

Sharon watched the exchange from her spot in the hall. There was something about the way that Rusty interacted with Brenda that put her on edge. Maybe it was because they had shared the discovery of Sophie between them, or maybe it was just because Sharon was tired, but the way that her son responded to Brenda left her with a strange aftertaste in her mouth.

After she'd come home from lunch with Andy the previous day she had found Rusty still out. She had spent the afternoon by herself, welcoming the unexpected silence and the ability to be alone with her own thoughts and feelings. She'd read a couple of pages of the book she'd started weeks ago, had emptied the dishwasher and cleaned the bathroom. When Rusty eventually texted to let her know he would be home late, she had waited up for him even though she suspected he would hope she'd be in bed.

Rusty had looked unnerved when he found Sharon was still up when he got home a little before midnight. He'd hovered in the living room, clearly unsure of himself and what to do next, and Sharon had been the first to speak after a few moments of awkward silence. She was aware that Rusty had been trying to avoid her. She wanted him to know he didn't have to feel like he had to hide himself away but at the same time she wanted to acknowledge his feelings and not undermine them.

The words had been hard to find and Sharon still felt she hadn't been able to exactly tell Rusty how she felt, but for now they had reached some kind of an understanding. Things weren't perfect and they were both walking on egg shells but the initial tension had been subdued. Until now. Brenda walking in to the room had triggered a change and Sharon didn't really understand how or why.

"He's really taken to you," she said to Brenda when the blonde came to stand next to her. She gave Brenda a sideways glance. She didn't resent the relationship they had, not in that sense anyway, but there were moments where it was almost surreal to see the two of them interact together considering the way their relationship had started.

Brenda hesitated before turning slightly and putting a hand on Sharon's arm. It was a light touch that surprised both of them, left Brenda's fingers tingling. "I know what he did hurt you, Sharon, and I know that I've hurt you too." Brown eyes found green. Brenda wasn't sure if she and Sharon had ever shared a more intense look. Sharon's eyes were startlingly clear and Brenda could see their true depth. "I'm sorry if I overstepped a boundary. And I know Rusty is too. He's a good kid, Sharon. And the only person to thank for that is you."

Sharon swallowed. She wanted to say something but was at a loss for words. She couldn't look past the old reflection of Brenda, the one she had seen when she looked at her standing outside her door, and although the words of apology rang true, Sharon couldn't just move away from the hurt she felt.

Rusty chose exactly that moment to walk back into the living room, causing Brenda to pull back her hand quickly and Sharon to look away. Rusty had one shoe on and the other in his hand and appeared to be looking for something.

Stepping away from Brenda, Sharon went to the kitchen to get a few things from the fridge they would take to the picnic and Brenda followed her with her eyes until she rounded the corner. As always, her eyes lingered a moment too long on the curve of Sharon's hips and the swell of her breasts behind the long sleeved green shirt she was wearing and she felt her cheeks flush. The moment was inappropriate and she knew it.

Brenda bit down on her lip. There were days where she would almost forget how she felt about Sharon and then suddenly, it would hit her. Unexpectedly and almost always painfully. A cruel reminder of wanting something she knew she could never have. And the more time she spent with Sharon, the sharper that sting became. But at the same time, their friendship had intensified and Brenda knew Sharon had come to rely on her as much as she had on Sharon and if this was the only way she was going to have Sharon in her life, she was prepared to accept the pain.

Knowing she had caused hurt to Sharon, pained Brenda. She desperately wanted to fix things and when Rusty appeared alongside her, she turned to look at him. He'd swung his bag over his shoulder and was wearing both his shoes now.

"Got everything?" She raised her eyebrow knowingly.

"Yep. Do you?"

"Yeah." Brenda's eyes narrowed. She could hear Sharon in the kitchen and for the first time since walking into the condo she wondered if doing this was a good idea. Rusty had insisted last night that they should go ahead and Brenda had pushed her own concerns aside but now that she had seen Sharon, she was less convinced. Sharon was still upset. Brenda wondered if today would only add to the turmoil of emotions Sharon already felt.

"She still thinks this is just a picnic?"

Rusty nodded. "Should we tell her now or wait till later?"

Sharon came walking back into the living room and Brenda silently mouthed 'later'. Rusty nodded and the three of them headed toward the front door where Brenda picked up the basket and Sharon offered to take the blanket. They all stepped outside and when Sharon locked the door behind them, Brenda was momentarily struck by the image that they looked like a family. She allowed herself that one moment's bliss before banning the thought to the back of her mind and following Sharon and Rusty to the elevator.

Brenda drove with Sharon in the passenger seat and Rusty in the back. The music played softly, a local country station, and they didn't really talk. Rusty met Brenda's eyes in the rear view mirror but didn't say anything. Sharon looked out of the window, watched Los Angeles flash by outside.

She had considered cancelling today but when she woke up that morning she'd decided to just go with it. The hurt she felt towards Rusty and Brenda had started to find its place and although she knew she could never get back what those two had shared, or what they had taken from her, she also knew she couldn't stay angry at them for trying to do the right thing. Rusty had not intentionally set out to hurt her and in a way Sharon was glad Brenda had been there to support him.

They'd been driving for a little while when Sharon noticed the signs for the park and she looked over her shoulder at Rusty. He was looking out of the window too, seemingly doing his best not to look at her.

"Where did you say we were going?" she asked, a hint of suspicion in her voice.

"The park."

In that moment she recognised how alike they really were. He answered the question without giving too much away. It was something Sharon herself did, a trait she had made her own over the years. It appeared the habit had rubbed off on Rusty.

"Which one?" she pressed further.

Rusty folded his hands in his lap in an attempt to control his nerves. He had hoped to keep this quiet for a little longer but it seemed he couldn't anymore. He tore his eyes away from the scenery flashing by outside the car and looked at Sharon. "Eastlake Park."

Recognition dawned on Sharon's face and she felt something she couldn't quite put into words. "Oh."

"I know that's where you used to go when Emily and Ricky were little. They told me," Rusty explained. All he could see was a reflection of Sharon's face in the glass now that she was no longer looking at him. "I was just trying to do something special and Brenda…"

"He asked me to help him and I said I would," Brenda finished the sentence for him. She met his eyes in the rear view mirror and she realised that was what she and Rusty did these days. They helped each other.

They had reached a red light and the car stopped. Brenda tentatively reached out and touched Sharon's arm. "Sharon?"

"It's OK," Sharon whispered as Brenda's voice pulled her back into the present moment. "I just haven't been here for such a long time…"

They continued driving and another fifteen minutes later they reached the car park. Sharon got out of the car before anyone else and when she unbuckled and stepped out herself, Brenda noticed the distant look in Sharon's eyes, like she was lost in a memory. She went to stand next to her, put her hand on Sharon's lower back.

"He is doing all of this for you, you know?" she whispered. "Because he loves you."

"I know," Sharon agreed. Behind them Rusty was getting the picnic basket and blanket out of the car. "He's a good kid."

Rusty walked up to them carrying the basket and the blanket and Brenda watched how Sharon's face relaxed. Maybe this little trip wasn't just about giving Sharon closure after Anne's death but also to rebuild some of the damage done by Rusty keeping the truth about Sophie from her. Because the cracks were showing, the damage done to the trust between them all clearly visible, and Brenda wanted nothing more than to fix it.

As they walked down the path cutting through the green grass surrounded by trees, following the signs to the little stream that wound its way through the park, Brenda looked at Sharon from the corner of her eye. She still seemed lost in a memory and she moved closer, let her hand come to a rest on Sharon's lower back for just a second, causing the brunette to look up.

"Are you ok?" Brenda asked and Sharon just nodded but didn't answer.

Brenda let her hand fall back down at her side and looked over her shoulder at Rusty who was walking a few steps behind them. She could see he wasn't relaxed; there was tension in his shoulders and when he met her eyes he almost seemed a little startled. Brenda smiled at him, hoping to boost his confidence, and Rusty hesitantly smiled back.

"Right here," Sharon said after a few minutes of walking.

They had reached a clearing between some trees, a little further away from the path and the small crowds of people gathered in the park. In the distance they could hear the laughter of children and Rusty looked around. The spot couldn't be more peaceful. The little stream cut through the trees behind them, giving them a perfect view from the grass. He could see the stepping stones and tried to imagine a young Ricky losing his balance and falling into the shallow water.

They laid out the blanket on the grass and Rusty was the first to sit down, choosing to have his legs and feet on the grass. He took off his socks and shoes, apologised for the smell coming from his Converse sneakers, and then propped himself up on his elbow and watched how Brenda sat down on the blanket too. She'd kicked off her own shoes and Rusty observed with a smile that Brenda's toenail were painted neon pink. Some things never changed.

Sharon was the last one to sit down on the blanket and she crossed her legs so she was sitting in the lotus position. She looked around. The trees were taller now, and the weather was warmer than it had ever been during any of her other trips, but otherwise the spot looked just the same. She could almost hear the echo of Emily and Ricky's laughter as they played in the water.

They sat in silence for a little while and it was only when Rusty caught Brenda's eye that she nodded. They would have to do this sooner rather than later, for a variety of different reasons, but most of all because Brenda just wanted to focus on something other than the hurt they had caused. So when Rusty sat up and pulled his rucksack towards him, Brenda focused on Sharon.

"Rusty said you used to come here with Anne."

Sharon nodded. Her eyes were closed. "When they still lived in California, yes. We w0uld come here in the summer, to give the kids a place to be. And she would always just be there, doing everything and anything they wanted. It was one of those rare occasions I got to lay in the grass with my eyes closed and know that that my children were safe."

"I spoke to Emily," Rusty slowly interrupted and Sharon's eyes opened. She saw that he had sat up and was holding something in his hand. It looked like a parcel. He handed it to her and their fingers touched. "Anne wanted you to have these and I thought that maybe in the place where you remember her most fondly…" He didn't finish that sentence.

Sharon looked down at the parcel in her hand and slowly opened it. The first thing to land in her lap was the satchel, followed by the little blue box. The book was last and Sharon, hands shaking slightly, placed the items in front of her on the blanket. Neither Rusty not Brenda moved, both instinctively sensing that Sharon needed space to experience the emotions that were rushing through her.

Sharon took a deep breath before picking up the satchel first. The tears were instant, the second her fingers touched the fabric, and Sharon had to blink through them to see. She tried to fight them back but when she tasted the hint of salt on her lips she knew she had lost the fight.

She undid the tie and let the necklace that was inside fall into the palm of her hand. The chain was made of fine silver and sparkled slightly in the summer sunshine. Almost instantly Sharon's fingers closed around it, like she was desperately trying to grasp the memories associated with the piece of jewellery.

Brenda shared a brief look with Rusty. He was watching Sharon with baited breath. The sight of his mother's tears broke his heart. Brenda could see the pain etched across Rusty's face.

"Anne wore this necklace every day," Sharon explained. Her voice was soft, almost a whisper. "Her mother gave it to her when she turned sixteen." She held the necklace up so Brenda and Rusty could see the little heart shaped locket that dangled from the chain. It was engraved with delicate little flowers and Sharon carefully opened it.

"Anne told me once that the morning her mother gave her this, she told her that she would now always have something to remind her of her own strength and wisdom. It would always be right here..." She looked at the open locket, tears glistening in her eyes. "In her heart."

Brenda carefully reached out and Sharon turned the locket so the blonde could see the inscription inside. On the right half of the heart, delicate lettering spelled the words 'This Above All' and the left half held the words 'To Thine Own Self Be True."

"Shakespeare," Brenda stated and Sharon glanced up at her, clearly surprised Brenda knew and the blonde smiled. "I have my moments."

"Yes, it's Shakespeare," Sharon answered. "Anne had a fondness for Shakespeare. Not a passion I shared I'm afraid, but she did enjoy reading to Emily and Ricky from time to time." She smiled at the memory. "If I remember correctly, they didn't care much for it either."

"You should wear it," Rusty suggested and went to sit on his knees as he extended his hand. "I'll help you put it on."

Sharon gave her son the necklace and proceeded to slowly pull her hair aside as Rusty hung the delicate chain around her neck and fastened it. The necklace fell against her skin in exactly the perfect spot and Sharon looked down to the see the silver heart sit against her neckline. It was almost as if somebody had simply drawn it onto her skin. It couldn't have been more perfect.

Sharon's attention shifted to the book next and she picked it up, studied the cover for a moment and then smiled. Small Miracles: Heart Warming Gifts of Extraordinary Coincidences. When she turned the first page, the delicate cream coloured paper with Anne's smiling face printed on the front, slipped out from in between the pages and landed against Sharon's foot. She picked it up and the lump in her throat intensified as Sharon tried to swallow around it, tried to get back some kind of control over her emotions, but her body rejected her attempts. As she looked down at the face of the woman who had changed and influenced her life so much, Sharon continued to cry.

Brenda scooted across the blanket to sit closer to Sharon and reached out to cover her trembling hand with her own. On Sharon's other side, Rusty also moved closer, slid his arm around Sharon's shoulders and left a delicate kiss on her hair.

He wanted to say something but he didn't know what. He wasn't even sure if touching Sharon right now was the right thing to do. She wasn't rejecting him so Rusty assumed it was alright. He had never been good with the whole comforting thing; not with people trying to comfort him or the other way around. He felt a little clumsy just leaning in to Sharon but it was the best he could do.

Brenda gently took the service booklet with Anne's face from Sharon's hands before more tears could drip onto the paper. Sharon didn't even try to the object.

Sharon looked at the two people sitting at her side, tears still falling down her cheeks. "I'm sorry," she apologised. "I don't know why…."

"It's a normal reaction," Brenda answered. There was a surprising softness to her voice. Her hand still covered Sharon's. "You've been strong for so long. This is just your body and mind's way of helping you cope."

"I suppose you're right," Sharon stammered. Her voice was shaky. She reached for the little blue box and picked it up.

She removed the lid and her breath caught in the back of her throat at the sight of the rosary. She followed the shape of the beads with her index finger, every single one, without speaking a single word and then brought the box up to her chest and pressed it against the spot over her heart, turning her eyes up to the blue skies above them and smiling. The tears glistened in her eyes but were no longer full of sadness but also mixed with the memories she would cherish forever.

"How did you know?" she eventually asked Rusty.

He sheepishly smiled. "I talked to Ricky and Emily." He couldn't bring himself to look at Sharon, couldn't make eye contact. "I wanted you to have something you could touch because… well, you didn't get to say goodbye and I just really wanted you to have… I don't know… this, I guess."

Sharon wanted to tell him how precious he was to her, how much she loved him, but she didn't need to speak the words. She knew he knew and nothing that had happened over the last few days was ever going to change that. Rusty had gone through the effort, and the risk of her rejection, to try and give her something of Anne she could hold in her hands, could touch.

Sharon leaned in towards Rusty and withoutwarning, wrapped her arms around him. She clung to him almost like he was a lifeline as she drifted in the troubled ocean. She wanted him to feel how much she loved him, truly feel it.

Rusty stiffened for a few seconds. Even now, unexpected hugs made him uncomfortable, even if they were from Sharon. But he knew this was what she needed, what she craved, and he was going to give it to her regardless of his own feelings. So he closed his arms around her back and held her tight, resting his head on her shoulder. And he waited until Sharon was ready to let go.

When she did she just looked at him. A look that said more than a thousand words.

Sharon moved back into her original position and Brenda's hand, which had covered hers up until the moment she had hugged Rusty, covered hers again. The touch was warm and Sharon smiled a little. Brenda's hand again covering Sharon's, something Brenda was very much aware of.

The selfish part of Brenda enjoyed the feeling way too much, but the fact that Sharon herself had not pulled away told Brenda that there was something the older woman got out of this too, even if it wasn't the same thing Brenda felt.

Brenda felt herself grow warm inside. There was something about seeing Sharon in the sunshine, so open and exposed, that left her unable to control it even though she was aware she shouldn't be feeling this at this very moment. The desire to just lean a little closer, softly touch Sharon's cheek… just to see the reaction she would get… hoping maybe she could help ease some of the emotions Sharon experienced… It was getting harder and harder to control.

Suddenly Rusty leapt to his feet, startling Sharon, and she looked up, slightly bewildered. Rusty was still barefoot and he'd pulled a handful of dollar bills from his pocket. "Does anyone want ice cream?"

It was then that Sharon heard the distinct little bell associated with an ice cream van and she smiled at Rusty's enthusiasm. "Sure," she smiled and turned to look at Brenda, her gaze momentarily lingering on the blonde's hand still covering hers. "Brenda?"

"Have I ever said no to ice cream?" Brenda grinned. She reached into her purse, using the hand that covered Sharon's, and took out a ten dollar bill and gave it to Rusty. His smile widened. "Make it a double for all of us."

Rusty walked off in the direction of the ice cream van and Sharon watched him go. Once he had near enough disappeared from sight she turned to look back at Brenda and found the blonde lying on her back, her curls fanned out around her head, with her eyes closed. For just a moment Sharon was struck by how completely innocent Brenda looked.

Without really thinking about it Sharon lay down on the blanket and rolled onto her side, propping herself up with her elbow. For a second she caught a glimpse of the silver chain dangling around her neck before her eyes fixed on Brenda again. She looked completely relaxed in the warm sunshine.

"You know he doesn't understand, right?" Brenda asked without opening her eyes or even turning her head. It was like she was speaking to the sky instead of Sharon. "He doesn't know how tired you are."

"I am tired," Sharon admitted. "I'm exhausted."

Brenda opened her eyes and slowly sat up. Her curls cascaded down her shoulders and it gave her an almost childlike appearance. Brown eyes focused on Sharon, observed the pained expression on the older woman's face. Brenda didn't know what came over her but she moved a little closer to Sharon before gently nudging her. When Sharon felt Brenda's hand under her head, indicating to put herself down in the blonde's lap, Sharon's breath caught in the back of her throat but then she lay her head down. It felt strangely comforting and Sharon readjusted herself a little. Her cheek rubbed against the denim of Brenda's jeans and when she felt Brenda's fingers thread through her hair, she sighed.

"I think that's why I reacted the way I did. I am just so tired and I don't think he knows that."

"Jealousy is not a crime, Sharon." Brenda looked down at the brunette in her lap. Her fingers continued to stroke Sharon's hair. In recent days she had seen Sharon at her most vulnerable but this moment was what touched Brenda the most. Sharon had willingly allowed herself to be in a position where Brenda could offer comfort to her. "With everything you've been through, it's not surprising."

"I'm not jealous," Sharon objected but caught herself in a lie. It was startling to realise, and even more so to admit.

She was jealous.

Jealous because Rusty related to Brenda so well and had dared to trust her when he hadn't trusted Sharon. Jealous because he was closer to Brenda than she was when all she desperately wanted was a friend. Jealous because Rusty had found family when she had lost hers. Jealous because they were nice, decent people while she had been tired and emotional and difficult to be around at times. Jealous because they filled a hole in Rusty's heart she hadn't even known existed until now.

"Talk to him," Brenda encouraged her softly. "He understands more than you think."

Sharon chewed her bottom lip. "Like your divorce?"

She didn't know how they had ended up at this subject. Maybe it had been hanging in the air for a little while.

Brenda's hand stilled and Sharon could feel the sudden tension in the blonde's body.

"How did you know?"

It was all the confirmation Sharon needed because until this moment, she hadn't been sure. All she could call it was a gut feeling, an instinct. "I saw Fritz the other day," she explained. "He never mentioned you and I realised he actually hadn't mentioned you for some time." She wanted to turn around and look at Brenda but the position they were in made it impossible. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Brenda didn't answer immediately, even though she knew. She hadn't told Sharon because she wasn't ready for the questions, and perhaps even less for the lies. She didn't want Sharon to know the truth about Washington and Sara and everything else she had been trying to run from for too damn long.

"You had so much goin' on already. It just didn't feel like the right time," Brenda answered, hoping her voice wouldn't betray her insecurities. "It didn't seem fair to bother you with my divorce."

"How long?" Sharon wanted to know.

"Since we separated? Months," Brenda answered. "But we signed the papers last week." She pushed a curl out of her eyes, suddenly aware of how her stomach did a double flip. Right now she had Sharon's head in her lap, her fingers in her hair, and she was tip toeing around a subject she wasn't ready to discuss. "And that's all I want to say about it for now."

"I understand," Sharon nodded. "But just so you know, I went through this with Jack so…"

"I know. Thanks."

Brenda closed her eyes again. She suddenly wished the brunette would get up and move away from her because she felt exposed, almost naked, like Sharon could feel everything Brenda felt. Heaving a sigh she covered her face with her hand, pretending to shield her eyes from the sun.

Minutes began to tick by and the silence between them was only interrupted occasionally by the sound of children laughing or the soft breeze rustling the green leaves on the trees. Brenda's fingers ran through Sharon's hair. When the silence lasted and Sharon didn't respond when Brenda asked her a question, the blonde looked down and realised that Sharon had fallen asleep.

Minutes felt like an eternity and Brenda tried not to revel in the feeling of finally having what she always wanted; Sharon. She tried to tell herself that this wasn't her own little fantasy come true; this wasn't Sharon asleep in her lap because she was in love with Brenda but because she was emotionally exhausted and needed a safe place to be.

But Brenda couldn't help but allow herself just a fleeting moment of joy, of actually feeling what it could be like to have it all, before forcing herself to control her feelings and remain grounded in the moment.

"Yo! Get up!" Rusty shouted unexpectedly and Sharon sat up with a jolt, startled. "This frigging ice cream is melting!"

"Mind your language," Sharon reminded him but smiled when she noticed the strawberry flavoured ice cream, bright pink in colour, dripping all over Rusty's hand. He looked less than impressed and chuckling, Sharon stood up to take the ice cream covered cone.

Brenda accepted the other ice cream and ignored the melting chocolate dripping onto her shirt. She looked at Sharon and the brunette looked back at her. When their eyes met they both smiled. Rusty had sat back down on the blanket and was eating his own ice cream.

For the remainder of the afternoon they played games and soaked up the sunshine. Sharon watched how Brenda and Rusty played a ball game that Anne used to play with Emily and Ricky. Each player held a pad and would have to catch the ball thrown by the other player. The ball would stick to the pad when caught. It had been Emily's favourite game when she was about eight and Sharon was reminded of her daughter when she saw Rusty dive into the grass in an attempt to catch one of the low balls Brenda threw at him.

Sharon almost lost it when Rusty attempted to walk over the stepping stones and nearly lost his balance. He stood precariously on one leg for several seconds, swaying dangerously, before finding his momentum again. But in that one moment Sharon was back to Ricky falling in the water and Rusty almost copying that exact same accident only made the day even better.

The sun was starting to set by the time they packed up the picnic basket and blanket and put the games back into Rusty's rug sack. Brenda pulled her cardigan out of her own tote and put it on. As soon as the sun was gone, the temperature would drop quickly and she wasn't prepared to get cold. Brenda had never handled the cold well. It was one of many reasons she didn't like the East Coast winters.

Brenda heard a chuckle behind her and she turned around to find Sharon watching her with a hint of disbelief on her face.

"What?" Brenda asked. "What are you laughin' at?"

"I didn't know you still had that hideous thing," Sharon pointed out. She gestured at the oatmeal coloured cardigan Brenda was wearing. It had been a long time since she'd seen it.

Brenda shot Sharon a look, her lips curling up into a little smile. "Hey, I don't make fun of your fashion choices."

Sharon shook her head, brown locks of hair falling into her eyes. "That's because there is nothing to make fun of. Yours, on the other hand..."

"That's debatable," Brenda muttered under her breath and Rusty, having overheard the conversation, looked up.

"You do have that one ugly brown shirt though, Mom. I told you buying that was a crime," he reminded Sharon. His reward was a death stare from Sharon and a laugh from Brenda.

They walked back to the car and Rusty packed the stuff back into the trunk whilst Sharon and Brenda got into their seats. Sharon turned to look at Brenda as she fastened her seatbelt.

"Thank you," she said softly. "For today."

Brenda looked up. "It's Rusty you should thank, Sharon."

"I know," Sharon nodded. She glanced over her shoulder as Rusty clambered into the back seat. He was looking at something on his phone. She tried not to think about who it could be, chose in her mind that it was Gus. "I'm going to talk to him when we get home but…" She looked back at Brenda. "I'm glad you were here today."

"Me too," Brenda admitted. "But mostly I am just glad that Rusty, and you, trusted me enough to ask me to come along. I know today will have brought back memories and I am grateful that you wanted me to share them with you."

Sharon watched Brenda from the corner of her eye. The blonde turned the key and the engine roared to life. Her gaze lingered a moment longer on that godawful cardigan Brenda was wearing. It was strangely comforting in a way to see her in it. It was the one thing in all of this that hadn't changed.

"That's what friends are for, right?" Sharon said just as Brenda reversed the car out of the parking spot.

"Yes," Brenda answered, an unexpected sharp pain settling in her chest and she didn't look at Sharon. "That's what friends are for."

The drive home was filled with music and a quick stop to get burgers for dinner. Then Brenda dropped Sharon and Rusty off at the condo and declined Rusty's invite to come inside. Instead she watched as the two people who she cared about the most in her life right now walked through the parking lot and entered through the door into the lobby, disappearing from sight. Covering her face with her hands, Brenda fell back into her seat and let out a strangled cry. She was aching inside, aching for something she knew she shouldn't be desiring in this moment. Angry at herself she turned the radio volume up, reversed the car and didn't look back in her rear view mirror to see the condo grow smaller in the distance.

Sharon let Rusty do his own thing when they walked in. He took his rucksack to his room and moments later she heard him walk across the hall to the bathroom. The shower was switched on and she recognised the sound of the door being locked. Knowing Rusty would be at least fifteen minutes, Sharon made her way to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. She sipped the sweet tasting liquid and felt the faint burn of alcohol in her throat.

For the first time that day she checked her phone and saw three text messages. One from Ricky, one from Emily and the third was from Andy. She went to open his message first and saw it had been sent hours earlier, just before lunch time. Her phone had been in her bag and she hadn't felt the desire to check it at all.

_Hey. Hope you're having a lovely day_

Sharon didn't type a message back and instead went to read Emily and Ricky's messages instead. Both told her they loved her and Emily hinted that she knew today would be special. Sharon made a mental note to call both her older children the next day and slipped her phone into her pocket before carrying her wine glass into the living room.

Ten minutes later the bathroom door opened and Sharon heard Rusty's footsteps down the hall. He walked into the living room dressed in dark blue checked pyjama pants and a grey t-shirt and with his hair wet. He seemed so much more relaxed, Sharon observed, and watched as he made his way into the kitchen to get himself a soda. Rusty then walked back into the living room and after a brief moment of hesitation, sat next to Sharon on the couch.

They sat in silence for a little bit before Sharon put down her glass and turned to face Rusty. Green eyes met his blue ones.

"Thank you for today, Rusty," she said. "What you did… it was very thoughtful." She smiled and briefly reached to touch the chain around her neck. The rosary and the book lay on the sideboard behind the couch. "I know the last few days, maybe weeks, haven't been easy. But I just want you to know that I am so proud of you and I know that everything you did, you did to try and help me."

Rusty swallowed and his fingers tightened around the soda can in his hand. "I know things have been hard, Mom." He looked at Sharon with a look she hadn't often see on him; like he was truly seeing her. He covered Sharon's hand with his own. A simple touch that carried so much depth. "I know you're tired."

"I'm exhausted," Sharon sighed and let her eyes fall shut.

Rusty felt the sickening sting of guilt. The knowledge of Andy having cheated…. It weighed on his mind and he wanted to tell Sharon so desperately…

"I don't think I have anything left," Sharon continued. "I am just so, so tired." She leaned back, a pained expression on her face. "It's why I reacted the way I did when you told me about Sophie. I know it wasn't fair but I…" She opened her eyes, found her son looking at her with more understanding than she felt she deserved. "I didn't know how else to respond."

"Have you thought about maybe taking a break?" Rusty suggested carefully.

Sharon shook her head. "We're in the middle of another case and I've got court appearances to do and a testimony to give in front of the Grand Jury." Her eyes found Rusty's. "But I have arranged to have the time off during your birthday so we can go to DC."

Rusty's face lit up. "Really?"

Sharon nodded. "Yes."

"With Brenda?" Rusty asked.

"With Brenda," Sharon smiled. "Are you sure you're prepared to put up with her for three or four days in a row? You know Brenda, she can be a little full on at times."

"I think I'll live," Rusty grinned. He'd gotten this far in life being surrounded by people who could be a little much at times. Something in his eyes changed and he hid his face partially behind his can after taking a large gulp from the orange flavoured drink. "Are you though?"

"Oh, I can handle Brenda," Sharon answered. She picked up her glass and took a couple of small sips. The wine seemed to taste even sweeter now. "And while we're on the subject of DC, I was thinking maybe you'd like to bring Gus too?"

Rusty smile widened. "I think he'd love that. Are you sure you don't mind?"

Sharon shook her head. "Of course not. And I don't think Brenda would either. So ask him. I think Brenda and Gus would get along great." She looked at her son. "With everything that's been going on, I'm glad you had her to share this with, Rusty."

Rusty smiled a little knowingly. "It's a good thing she came back then, isn't it?"

"Yes," Sharon replied and went to stand up, still clutching the wine glass. She wanted to take shower before going to bed too. "I suppose it is."

Rusty couldn't agree more.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter literally took blood, sweat and tears. Sorry for the delay but it is finally here!  
> To Kitty, without whom this story wouldn't even exist. I treasure you and your brilliant mind.

With the weekend over, Monday rolled around and Rusty was woken early by his alarm to get up for class. He took a shower, brushed his teeth and found his favourite jeans in the back of the wardrobe. Combined with a grey sweatshirt and his sneakers, he looked every bit like he had stepped out of a man's casual fashion magazine. He took way too long to style his hair and when he came back into his bedroom to grab his bag, Rusty checked his phone and saw a text message from Sophie. He opened it and smiled when he realised she was suggesting meeting up again.

_I would really like to see you again. Maybe Thursday? I don't have class so am free all day._

He hit send, slipped the phone into his pocket and swung his bag over his shoulder. He left his bedroom door open and padded through the condo to the kitchen where he found Sharon sipping from a cup of tea, a half-eaten bagel lay forgotten on a plate. She seemed lost in thought.

"Morning," Rusty greeted her and Sharon looked up, startled. He instantly decided this was not the right moment to tell Sharon about his upcoming meeting with Sophie. It was only Monday. There was still plenty of time. And after the weekend, maybe it was best if he waited an extra day or two.

"Oh." Sharon smiled when she saw Rusty. "Good morning."

"Is there coffee?" Rusty asked, eyeing up the coffee pot.

Sharon stepped aside to reveal the pot was half full and Rusty flashed a smile in appreciation as he took the travel mug Sharon had bought him for Christmas from the cupboard and filled it with coffee. He added a splash of milk and two heaped spoons full of sugar.

"Thanks," Rusty said when he put the lid on the mug and turned to face Sharon. She was already dressed for work and he saw the black blazer she usually wore draped over one of the kitchen chairs. It would complement the red dress she wore perfectly. She'd pulled her hair back a little, revealing more of her face. Rusty liked it when she did this. It seemed to brighten her up somehow.

"You look nice," he commented, resulting in an almost shy smile from Sharon.

"Thank you. What time does class finish?" Sharon wanted to know.

"Not till after four. I probably won't be home till after six though. I promised Gus I would pick him up from work. It is alright he comes over tonight, right?" Rusty looked up at her.

"How many times do I have to tell you that Gus staying over is fine with me?" Sharon reminded him and put a hand on her son's shoulder as she past him. She gave his shoulder a soft squeeze. "Your car is working again, right?"

Rusty shivered at the mention of his car being repaired. The fact that the piece of crap had died on him meant he had found out about Andy and although in a way he was glad he did, Rusty still hadn't been able to do anything with that information. He couldn't bring himself to look at Sharon and focused on drinking his coffee instead. He answered her between sips.

"I'll pick it up on my way. I'll take the bus and then drive."

"I could drop you off if you like," Sharon suggested but Rusty quickly shook his head.

"It's alright. You have to go in the opposite direction anyway."

He didn't know why he didn't want to be in the same space with Sharon. Maybe the knowledge of Andy as well as Sophie just put up an invisible barrier. The weekend had helped heal things between them somewhat but Rusty could still feel and see Sharon's hurt.

"Are you sure?" Sharon questioned.

Rusty nodded. "I'm sure."

"Ok." Sharon finished off her tea and rinsed the cup out before putting it in the dishwasher. She picked up her blazer, put it on and picked up her purse and keys from the sideboard in the living room, letting her fingers ghost briefly over the rosary still lying there. She went back into the kitchen and found Rusty eating the bagel she had left and grinned. There was no way anything could ever come between Rusty and food.

"I'll see you tonight, if everything goes to plan. But if I'm not back by dinner, you and Gus should order a pizza."

"Sure," Rusty answered and circled his way around the work bench to kiss Sharon on her cheek. It was a routine they had gotten into over the years. Not something they did every morning but just a thing that happened. Despite everything, it felt right. He took note of the fact Sharon was still wearing Anne's necklace. When Sharon met his eyes, he knew she'd seen him look and she smiled. Rusty smiled in return. "We'll save you some. Have a good day."

"You too," Sharon smiled and she gave a quick three finger wave before turning around and leaving the kitchen. Moments later the condo's front door fell into its lock and Rusty let out a deep sigh.

Sharon rode the elevator down to the parking lot and got into her car. She turned the key in the ignition and switched the radio channel to the local morning news before reversing out of her spot and joining the flow of commuter traffic that was heading into the heart of the city. Like most people she hated the rush hour traffic and she would often try and avoid it but it seemed like everyone else in the city had also decided to get up early. The roads were busy and every traffic light was red.

It took her almost fifty minutes to get to Parker Centre and after parking the car and making her way through the lobby to the elevator, Sharon longed for another cup of tea and a quiet start of the day in her office. Undoubtedly she would get neither of those but as she stepped into the elevator and waited for the doors to close, she smiled because it sure was nice to hope.

Sharon reached the Major Crimes bullpen only five minutes later and found all the desks still empty. It wasn't that surprising. She liked to come in early before anyone else got there. These were the rare few moments where she got to reflect in total silence and over the years those precious minutes had become the moments where she did some of her best thinking. Sharon sometimes found answers in silence.

She stepped into her office, closed the door behind her and hung her blazer on the back of the door followed by her purse. She sank down into the comfortable office chair behind her desk, crossed her legs at the ankles and opened the top drawer. There, underneath the file of her most current case lay the Philip Stroh file and every so often, maybe just once or twice a week these days, Sharon would look at the picture attached to the file with a tiny silver paperclip. She would look at his face just to remind herself that he was still out there and every time she made herself the same promise; she would find him.

Sharon closed the drawer, put the current case file down in front of her, and picked up a pen. Paperwork was something every police officer hated but during her time in Internal Affairs, she'd found the predictability of it almost soothing. Paperwork never changed.

It was a little before eight-thirty when she stood up, rubbed the back of her neck and exited her office. A couple of the desks were occupied now and as she started in the direction of the break room, she saw Julio and Amy walk towards the bullpen. Julio clutched a bag with the logo from the donut shop around the corner and Amy held a Starbucks coffee cup.

Sharon made her way down the hall towards the breakroom. The corridors were still quiet and she froze in her step when she realised she could hear voices. Raised voices. Voices that belonged to men. She narrowed her eyes as she slowly approached the room. The glass walls provided her with a perfect view and to her surprise, and confusion, she saw Provenza and Andy standing by one of the tables. Provenza was red in the face and Andy had folded his arms in front of his chest. It was clear that whatever discussion they were having was a heated one.

Her hand hovered over the door handle but she hesitated when she heard Provenza speak again.

"I didn't have any faith in this relationship from the start. It started with a lie and now it ends with one."

Andy's voice was louder than Provenza's. "What do you mean?"

"You lied to Nicole about dating Sharon. You let your daughter believe you and Sharon were more than friends only so that you could get back into her good books. You didn't just lie to Nicole but you used Sharon too," Provenza sneered. "And now you're lying again. I'm telling you, Flynn, if you don't tell her soon…"

"I will!" Andy sounded exasperated. "It's not that easy."

"I said you had till the end of the week! It's Monday and we're standing here having this discussion because you still haven't told her!" Provenza boomed. The red in his face only grew brighter. When he looked past Andy in the direction of the glass wall, he saw the captain standing on the other side, staring at them. The look on her face told him she'd overheard most of their conversation.

Part of him knew he had to tell Andy that Sharon was there and had heard what they had said but there was a bigger part of him that just wanted her to know the truth, even if it meant hearing it in a way he wished she hadn't. So he looked away and pretended he hadn't seen her, looked back at Andy instead.

"Sharon has a right to know!"

Andy raised his hands in defence and shook his head. "I was waiting for the right time."

Provenza's face fell and he looked in the direction of Sharon again. The hurt on her face was almost too much to take. This had to end. He spoke the words loud enough so he knew she would hear. "When is there ever a right time to tell somebody you cheated on them?"

Andy, opening his mouth to reply, noticed Provenza was no longer looking at him but at something behind him. He slowly turned around. There, having opened the door, stood Sharon. With her hand still on the door handle and her green eyes several shades darker, she stared back at him.

"What is he talking about?"

Andy could see how her eyes darkened, how the features of her face contorted themselves into a mask of confusion, anger and pain. Her voice, the way she said those words, had carried more hurt than he had ever heard before. It was the voice of a woman who had seen part of life as she knew it fall apart.

"Sharon…"

Andy circled around the table with a panicked expression on his face and tried to walk to the door. Sharon instinctively took several steps backwards and Provenza grabbed his arm to hold him in place. He tried to pull his arm free but the older man did not let go.

Sharon shot Andy one last glance and, holding her head high, she turned around. Without really thinking or even realising where her feet were taking her, she walked away. The sound of her heels against the lino fading with every step she took.

"I need to go after her," Andy protested when Provenza finally let go of him. "I need to talk to her."

"What you need to do is shut up and listen," Provenza snapped and he stepped in front of Andy, preventing him from reaching the door. "If you go talk to her now, you'll only make things worse." His eyes pierced into Flynn's.

Andy shook his head. "That is not your decision to make. This is something between me and Sharon." "Understood."

"Listen to me, Flynn…"

"I'm hardly going to take relationship advice from a guy who has five divorces behind his name!" Andy sneered and stormed out into the hallway. Instinctively he headed towards the Murder Room ignoring his fellow detectives as he walked up to Sharon's office and knocked. He didn't wait for her to answer.

"I do not think this is a good idea, Andy," Sharon added an emphasis on the word 'not.' She didn't look up, chose to keep her eyes fixed on her desk.

"Can we talk about this, Sharon? Please?" Andy pleaded.

"What is there to say?" Sharon's green eyes snapped up, blazing with anger. "Because if you have some kind of genius excuse for all this, I don't want to hear it."

"You don't understand. What I did I did to help us."

"Help us?!" Sharon's voice was cold. "You must have a totally different interpretation of the word 'helping' than I do, Andy. Because I don't consider what you did to be any form of helping at all."

Provenza walked back into the Murder Room and looked around. Everyone else was at their desks except for Flynn. Unnerved, a single glance at Sharon's office confirmed his suspicions. The blinds were drawn. He heaved a sigh, crossed the room and knocked once on the door. Like Andy, he didn't wait for an invitation but stepped inside.

"Can it wait?" Andy bit in Provenza's direction.

"No, it can't," Provenza interrupted. "Get out of here."

"What?"

"Did I speak Russian?" Provenza said. "Get out, Flynn. This is not somewhere you should be right now."

Shooting a final glance from Sharon in an effort to seek her support, Andy turned around and left Sharon's office. He closed the door a little too loudly and the sound made Sharon jump. Provenza checked through the blinds and saw Andy reach his desk. With a sigh he looked back at Sharon.

She stood by the window now, arms folded. She didn't turn around when she heard Provenza come in. From where he stood, her posture seemed rigid. He could see her from the side and Sharon's face was almost stoic. Provenza didn't know what he'd expected but the cold and distant demeanour he observed, unnerved him a little.

"Captain… Sharon…"

"How long have you known?" she cut him off. She fixed him with a cold, harsh stare.

Provenza swallowed. "A few days."

Sharon slowly turned around. Green eyes glistened dangerously behind her glasses. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wanted Andy to be the one to tell you. I… I didn't think it was my place, Sharon, and I'm sorry for the way you found out today." Provenza shook his head. He still couldn't believe that this had actually happened. "This never should have happened."

Sharon averted her eyes again and fixed her gaze on the city skyline outside her window. She didn't know how she felt. She wasn't experiencing the heartbreak she'd felt when Jack first betrayed her. She felt cold and angry. Her mind was surprisingly clear and she spoke with a voice that masked her feelings well. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly through her nose. She didn't have any words to say.

"There's something else you need to know," Provenza began and he waited for Sharon to acknowledge him. It came with her throwing a look in his direction. Short and distant. "Rusty knows too."

"Rusty?!" Sharon's eyebrows shot up. Another pang of pain since learning the truth settled in her chest. Rusty had lied to her. Again. That realisation hit her harder than anything else had so far. "Rusty knew?!"

"He came and told me," Provenza explained. "He wanted to tell you straight away but I told him we had to wait." He took a few steps in Sharon's direction, sensing the Captain's mixed emotions. "Sharon, you have to remember that Rusty only kept this a secret because I asked him to, not because he wanted to. It was for the right reasons."

"I've been hearing that a lot recently," Sharon answered bitterly. She felt numb, like she couldn't feel the true extent of what had happened yet.

The realisation Rusty had withheld this from her after promising there would be no more lies hurt more than the actual event itself, left her feeling more torn than Andy's cheating. She had taken him on his word, had believed him when he said this was the end of the secrets between them. He had looked her in the eye and lied to her again.

"Are you going to tell me what happened or do I need to hear it from him?" Sharon's voice carried traces of bitterness. She was referring to Andy and she knew Provenza knew. From where he stood Provenza could see how Sharon squared her shoulders. She was putting up her defences. "Because I'd rather you told me now, Lieutenant."

"Are you sure?" he asked. A pointless question because he knew she wouldn't have asked if she didn't mean it. His answer was a short, curt nod and he took a deep breath. "Very well."

"And don't leave anything out," Sharon interjected when he opened his mouth to speak. "There's no one left to protect here." She shot him a glance. Green eyes had never been emptier. Her voice was flat. "Not even me."

Provenza understood. He put his hand on the back of the chair in front of Sharon's desk and tried to find a point to best start the story. "The other day, when Andy loaned Rusty his car, Rusty discovered evidence that suggested Andy…." Speaking the words out loud in front of Sharon like this was hard. "…Evidence that suggested Andy had cheated."

"What kind of evidence?" Sharon still didn't turn around. The emptiness in her voice was chilling.

"Sharon, are you sure…"

"Lieutenant," she sharply reminded him and finally fully turned around to face him. "The truth."

"Rusty found a business card for an escort service. The name of the girl, a date and a time and a room number were written on the back. The date was the day before Rusty found the card." Provenza shook his head. "And a couple of years before you joined Major Crimes, Andy saw another escort several times. She worked for the same company. I recognised the name when Rusty showed me the card. Back then Andy made me swear never to tell the Chief and I didn't." He let out a deep breath. "But things are different now."

"That they are," Sharon replied and nodded. "Thank you, Lieutenant. Is there anything else I should know?"

Provenza hung his head. "I gave Andy an ultimatum to tell you and swore that if he didn't, I would. I just never meant for you to find out the way you did today."

"So what you're saying is that besides Lieutenant Flynn, both you and Rusty knew about this and chose to lie to my face?" Sharon questioned. She was hurt by the fact he had lied to her. More by the actual act of lying than the fact that he had withheld Andy's infidelity. It had not been his right or his place to keep this from her but at the same time she could rationalise why he had.

Provenza didn't have an answer for her and after a few moments of silence that felt too heavy for either of them to handle, he turned around and walked out of Sharon's office. When the door closed behind him, Sharon let her head fall back and stared up at the ceiling in despair. The conflict of emotions she felt inside were confusing her; she wanted to be angry but at the same time she wasn't. She wanted to be upset, feel some kind of a loss, but instead it felt like a weight had been lifted. And she understood why Provenza hadn't told her. She knew he was a man of certain principles and he believed this was something between her and Andy.

Hearing the revelation that Andy had cheated on her had shocked her. Their relationship was by no means perfect and Sharon understood that he wanted things she hadn't been ready to give him. It was difficult to face the thought that what he had done was because she had not been prepared to sleep with him. Did it really come down to that? Was that all their relationship had been built around? Not the time they spent together but the fact Andy wanted her to invite him into her bed? Was what Provenza had said really true? Had he used her?

The thought of being used angered Sharon more than the thought of being betrayed and lied to.

Minutes went by as outside her office the day to day life of the Major Crimes Division carried on. Sharon was disrupted from her thoughts when there was a knock on the door and after taking a couple quick breaths, she turned to face the door and said, "Come in."

Amy poked her head around. "Doctor Morales called. Apparently Hollywood have brought in a body that might be connected to one of our ongoing cases."

"Really? OK, take Mike and go and see what's going on. Call me once you find out," Sharon decided and Amy nodded. If the younger woman wondered why the blinds were drawn, she didn't let on. Sharon admired Amy for that. There was an advantage to working with women in the sense that although they were more perceptive at times, they also knew when not to say something.

"Thank you, Amy."

Amy closed the door behind her and Sharon sank down in her chair, cradling her head in her hands. She had a pounding headache and blindly she reached for her top drawer and found the bottle of painkillers she kept in there for situations like this. The half empty water bottle on her desk was just enough to swallow the pills down but she still almost gagged on them.

Sharon didn't know if Provenza had asked people not to bother her unless strictly necessary but fewer people entered her office than normal and she never once saw Andy at all other than through the blinds when she opened them. He was at his desk and turned around, almost as if he felt her looking at him. He reminded her of a lost puppy, or the child who had just lost their faith in Santa Claus. She only looked at him for a moment before turning her back on him and walking back to her desk.

The stinging feeling of pain over what he had done didn't ease. As she flicked through some paperwork it got pushed into the background but after a little while it would come back with just as much force and it would catch her off guard every time. The tears burnt behind her eyes but Sharon kept them at bay however it became harder as the hours ticked by. It felt as if something had been taken from her, something she hadn't even realised had become such a huge part of her. She loved Andy and knowing that he had cheated on her didn't instantly erase that feeling; it only made it hurt.

The day passed in relative peace and it turned out that the body in the morgue was not connected to one of their cases after all and Sharon was glad to hand the case back to Hollywood Division. There were several open cases that needed their full attention anyway and she was relieved to see her Division picked up where they left off. Occasionally she would see Provenza walk past her office, almost knocking on the door but then walking away again. She wanted to get over her initial anger towards him but it continued to simmer just beneath the surface.

It was not even five o'clock when Sharon closed the case file she'd been reading and put it in the drawer. The autopsy report was placed on top and then she closed the drawer, stood up and picked up her blazer from the back of the door and her purse from under her desk. As she approached the door ready to leave, she came to the frightening realisation that she didn't know where she was going to go next.

Rusty was at home. But she didn't want to see him. Not yet anyway.

Sharon stepped out of her office into the busy, bright Murder Room and instantly felt several sets of eyes on her. She straightened her spine and looked around the room, avoiding Andy. "Good work today," she complimented her team. "I'm going to call it a night and go home. Please don't stay here all night."

"Good night, Captain," Mike and Amy said simultaneously and she flashed them a smile.

She then shot a final glance at Provenza and hesitated for a moment. Their gazes locked and then Sharon flashed the hint of a smile. She didn't really know what she was trying to tell him. Maybe she was just trying to reassure him that it would be all right. She left the Murder Room then and made her way towards the elevators.

Provenza looked at Andy. He had barely said a word all day but now that Sharon was gone he seemed to relax a little. He then pulled his phone from the front pocket of his shirt and dialled the number he kept under speed dial option 3. Two seconds later Rusty answered. Teenagers and their phone were never more than a foot apart.

"Lieutenant?"

"Hey kid," Provenza said as he slowly walked out of the Murder Room and after checking Buzz wasn't in the Media Room, he stepped inside. "I need you to listen to me and listen to me good, ok?"

"What's going on?" There was instant panic in Rusty's voice.

"Your mom knows about Andy," Provenza answered. "And it didn't at all go how I hoped it would go."

"Oh, shit," Rusty groaned. "What happened?!"

"She overheard me and Flynn talking. I had to tell her the truth. But what I mean to say is that she knows you knew and Rusty, she is devastated," Provenza explained. "She's on her way home and I just wanted to give you a heads up. She may not be in the best of moods."

Rusty let out a sigh. "Thanks for letting me know. I'll just wait for her to turn up and take it from there."

"Take care, kid."

"You too, Lieutenant."

Provenza ended the call and shook his head, eyes fixed on one of the dark monitors. "If I believed in God, I'd ask to help them both."

*

Sharon rode the elevator to the third floor and when the doors slid open they revealed a corridor with white walls and a wooden floor. The apartment building was relatively new, maybe only five or six years old, Sharon remembered it being built. It was about half the size of her own building and fewer doors along the corridor. She counted six on either side as she made her way down the hall until she reached the last door on the right. She noticed the little white wooden hearts with the words 'home sweet home' written on them. It was shocking to realise that after all the time they spent together, this was the first time she had actually gone to Brenda's apartment.

Sharon knocked and waited. Moments later she heard what sounded like a chain being removed and the door opened.

"Sharon?" Brenda's eyes widened in surprise. "What are you doin' here?"

"I… I should've called," Sharon apologised. "I'm sorry. I didn't really know where else to go."

Those words alarmed Brenda and she stepped aside, inviting Sharon into the apartment. She quickly closed the door and turned to face the older woman. She could see the darkness in Sharon's face, the way her eyes seemed distant and unfocused. A bad feeling settled in her stomach.

"Sharon, what happened?"

Sharon's shoulders dropped. "Andy cheated on me."

Brenda blinked. It felt as if someone had emptied a bucket of ice water into her stomach. Then the numb feeling was almost instantly replaced with something else… something she couldn't quite identify yet. She swallowed and closed the distance between her and Sharon, gently placing a hand on her shoulder. "Oh Sharon, I'm so sorry."

She guided Sharon further into the apartment and together they sat down on the couch. Sharon dropped her purse at her feet and let her eyes wander around the living room. The wooden floor that covered the apartment was tasteful and not what Sharon had expected at all. The living room had high ceilings and tall windows that provided a stunning view over the surrounding streets. She couldn't help but be surprised by just how tastefully Brenda had decorated her home.

The brown fabric sofa and two cream coloured arm chairs were complimented by the oak coffee table and the rug on the floor. Having been to the old duplex Brenda had shared with Fritz years ago only once, the night Brenda shot Philip Stroh, this apartment was a far cry from the décor Sharon had observed there. It appeared that as well as having found a sense of fashion whilst living in Washington, Brenda had picked up a couple of tips on interior design too.

In true Brenda style though, there were three empty glasses on the table as well as a half-eaten bar of Hershey's chocolate, two newspapers as well as three different remotes. A pair of high heeled black shoes had been discarded by the arm chair and Brenda's black tote stood by her feet. The images brought an involuntarily smile to Sharon's face. Brenda's place felt like a home.

"What happened?" Brenda wanted to know. She hadn't missed the way Sharon had looked around the room but she didn't want to pressure her into talking if she wasn't ready.

Sharon heaved a sigh. "I overheard an argument between Provenza and Andy. At first I thought it was work related but then…" She paused, her mind drifting back to the moment she had realised the two men were arguing about telling her the truth. "Provenza knew I was there. I think he wanted me to hear it at that point because Andy was never going to tell me."

Brenda studied Sharon a little more closely. She was guarded, Brenda could tell. Sharon's defences were up. She had seen her far more vulnerable in recent days but the woman sitting next to her was distant. She wasn't sure if touching her was the right thing to do in this situation but she moved a little closer anyway until her knee touched Sharon's.

Sharon wore a red dress. The colour suited her perfectly. Her legs were covered in only thin stockings and Brenda could almost feel the bare flesh under her hand when she placed it gently on Sharon's knee. The way her throat constricted when she tried to speak was something she fought to keep under control.

"Sharon, I'm so sorry."

"I should be used to this," Sharon sighed. "It's not like Jack never…" She didn't finish that sentence.

Brenda wanted to condemn Andy's actions but it was hard to condemn something she was guilty of herself. She had cheated on Fritz with Sarah when she lived in Washington. The reason for their divorce was 'adultery'. It had been written in black and white on the papers. It wasn't exactly something she could deny and sitting here next to Sharon wanting to condemn the man who had betrayed her simply felt impossible.

"The thing is," Sharon continued. "It hurts that Andy cheated, almost more than it did with Jack. I never thought he would do this to me but…" Something changed in the tone of her voice. Pain seeped into her words. "Rusty knew." Green eyes found Brenda's brown and Brenda could see it now as well as hear it. "Rusty knew and he didn't tell me. After everything with Sophie, Rusty lied to me. Again."

"Sharon…"

"I love him," Sharon whispered softly. "I know I didn't have an answer for where our future would go but I thought we had a chance at something."

Brenda's shivered at those words. Hearing Sharon confess her feelings for Andy, her true and deep feelings, hurt. She knew there wasn't anything she could do to help with those so instead her eyes narrowed and she focused on the other thing Sharon had said. "How did Rusty know?"

"He found something in Andy's car when he borrowed it. And instead of coming to me, he went to Lieutenant Provenza." Sharon green eyes glistened with hurt and anger. "And Provenza decided to wait and see if Andy would tell me himself." She shook her head, the pain settling a little firmer in her chest. The betrayal from all of them tasted bitter in the back of her throat. "I mean, what did he expect? That Andy was just going to confess his sins to me?"

"So Lieutenant Provenza told Rusty not to tell you?" Brenda asked and Sharon nodded. Some of the pieces fell into place. "So, Rusty's decision not to tell you wasn't really his, was it?"

"Provenza's decision not to tell me straight away wasn't his either," Sharon snapped but as she said it she knew she was being unnecessarily harsh because Provenza had done what he felt was right to protect her, even if she didn't agree with his thought process. "They were both wrong."

"I have a bottle of wine I was goin' to drink on my own tonight but I think you're more deservin'," Brenda said and stood up. "Maybe some food? Thai? Chinese?"

"Thank you," Sharon softly answered. "I… don't think I..."

"Hush," Brenda soothed. "We can talk later." She put a hand on Sharon's arm. "Bathroom's down the hall if you want to freshen up."

Sharon just nodded and stood up. She made her way down the hall to the bathroom. There were three doors but the only one that was open was the one leading to the bathroom. It was about the same size as Sharon's at home, with a shower cubicle and bath and a double sink. The walls were covered in white tiles and, true to Brenda's style, she had used bright pink towels to accessorise the bathroom.

Sharon opened the tap and let the water pour for a few seconds before removing her glasses and splashing some water in her face. She repeated the action several times, until she was certain there wasn't a trace of make-up left, and used one of the pink fluffy towels to dry her face and her neckline. When she straightened up and stared at herself in the mirror for a little while. Her eyes fixed on the chain around her neck and Sharon carefully touched it. It was just another reminder of all that she had lost.

When she joined Brenda in the living room, there was a large glass of Merlot waiting for her. The clutter had disappeared from the table and Brenda had drawn the curtains and switched on one of the lamps. The living room felt warm and inviting and when Sharon sat down, she pulled her legs up underneath herself and draped her arm over the back of the couch.

"Which do you prefer?" Brenda asked, holding up two menus. One was Thai, the other Indian and not Chinese like Brenda had previously suggested.

Sharon pointed at the Indian menu. It wasn't food she was overly familiar with but Brenda seemed to know what she was doing so Sharon leaned back and listened to Brenda calling in the order. Then the blonde circled around the couch and flopped down next to Sharon. For the first time since arriving, Sharon took in Brenda's appearance.

Comfortable jeans and a light pink button down. The colour was flattering and the jeans accentuated just how tiny Brenda's waist really was. She was barefoot and her curls fell in a wild frenzy down her shoulders.

"I was about to order dinner when you arrived," Brenda said as she studied the menu a little closer, then out it down and looked around for her reading glasses. She found them on the kitchen counter put them on then went back to reading the menu.

Sharon realised she hadn't eaten anything all day and embarrassingly, her stomach chose that moment to growl. "How long does it take for it to get here?"

"This place is only a block away so not too long," Brenda answered as she fished her cell phone out of her jeans pocket and dialled a number. Moments later she was reciting the menu choices to the person on the other side of the line and Sharon leaned a little further back into the pillows on the couch.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Brenda carefully tried

Sharon sipped from the wine Brenda had given her. "About what?"

"You and Andy."

"Oh." Sharon sighed. She didn't look at Brenda. "Would you mind if I didn't?"

"Of course not," Brenda offered gently. "We don't have to talk about it at all."

Instead of sitting down next to Sharon she went to the kitchen and took some plates out of the cupboard. Setting down her wineglass on the table, Sharon stood and followed Brenda took the plates the blonde had left on the side and put them on the dining table. From across the kitchen, Brenda watched as a barefoot Sharon moved around her kitchen like she had been here a dozen times before. It was hard to imagine this was really the first time.

Brenda handed Sharon some spoons, knives and forks and Sharon put them on the table, then went to the living room and brought both wine glasses in. She then sat down at the table and Brenda slowly made her way over and joined her.

Brenda felt herself go warm inside as she watched Sharon in the dim light of her kitchen. She hadn't really had anyone over for dinner here since coming back to Los Angeles, not even David Gabriel, and it felt both familiar and uncomfortable to have Sharon here in her personal space. It was different whenever she was at Sharon's place because she always had her apartment to fall back on as a place of safety but now Sharon was here and Brenda felt like there was nowhere left to run.

They talked about work for a little and Brenda was careful not to mention Andy at all. When the knock on the door came for their food delivery, Brenda paid and tipped the delivery guy and carried the food back to the kitchen. She placed the boxes on the counter and almost jumped when she felt Sharon's arm brush against hers when the brunette sidled up beside her.

"You ok?" Sharon asked, having noticed the way Brenda jerked her arm.

"Fine," Brenda lied. "Just burnt my finger."

Sharon grinned. "Be careful next time then."

With their plates full of food they both sat back at the table and talked a little bit in between bites. Sharon wasn't all that used to the Indian spices but she liked the taste of the sauces and the flavoured rice.

Brenda observed Sharon from her end of the table. It was strange to see her this guarded. Brenda had seen sides to Sharon in recent weeks that had surprised her but seeing the distant look in her eyes right in this moment, unnerved Brenda. She wondered if this was Sharon reacting to too much stress, too much of everything at once.

Brenda guessed Sharon hadn't come here to talk but to find a safe and quiet place to be and so that was what she offered her. Once dinner was finished, Sharon helped Brenda take the plates into the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher while Brenda wiped down the table. Again, Brenda was struck by just how effortlessly Sharon seemed to move around her apartment. It was like she had always been here. The feeling was unnerving and when Sharon turned to look at her, Brenda's stomach did a summersault. Without any make-up, Sharon looked more beautiful than ever.

With the dish washer running and the wine glasses refilled, Sharon and Brenda returned back to the living room. Sharon seemed lost in thought and Brenda realised she hadn't seen Sharon text or call Rusty to let him know she was here. She contemplated mentioning it but then decided against it. Instead she leaned over to the coffee table and picked up the TV remote. "I'm sure there's some trashy movie we can watch."

After skipping through two dozen channels and realising there was nothing on, Brenda switched to Netflix. There were plenty of good as well as mindless movies on there and after searching for a little while, Brenda chose an Oscar nominated drama, pressed 'play' and prayed to whatever deity had the good grace to listen that she had made the right choice.

"Have you seen this before?" she asked but Sharon shook her head.

"No. But I do like Susan Sarandon."

"My Mama hated her movies. Don't know why," Brenda stated. It was one of those useless pieces of information that suddenly seemed useful in a moment like this. "She would refuse to watch anything she was in." She smiled fondly at the memories of Willie Rae. "I think it may have something to do with some of her political views."

"Your Mama had a problem with strong political opinions?" Sharon arched an eyebrow. It was an odd thing to associate with Willie Rae Johnson.

"My brother Jimmy and his partner Frank have been together for over twenty-five years. Mama still thought they were roommates." Brenda rolled her eyes but briefly stopped to wonder how her mother would have responded to Brenda coming out as gay too. "I ain't sayin' anythin' else.

A silence fell between them as the movie's opening scene rolled across the screen and for the next fifteen minutes or so, neither of them spoke. Brenda would look at Sharon from time to time, just because she couldn't help it and because she wanted to reassure herself that Sharon really was alright. With night falling and darkness settling in the living room, Brenda soon could only see the outline of Sharon's face.

Brenda saw the tears trickle silently down Sharon's cheek and it startled her. She hadn't expected to see Sharon cry. Without speaking she moved towards her and silently wrapped her arm around Sharon's shoulder. She didn't pull her closer, waited instead for Sharon to seek comfort and shelter, and when the older woman eventually leaned in and rested her head against Brenda's shoulder, Brenda wrapped her other arm around Sharon too and held her.

The strange and cruel irony of this situation was not lost on Brenda. Here she was, holding the woman she secretly loved in her arms as she cried over the fact that the man she loved had broken her heart

She didn't know what to say. There really weren't any words. For now Brenda settled for holding Sharon because it was all she knew how to do.

Minutes passed by and Brenda was only half watching the movie. Her fingers absentmindedly ran through Sharon's hair and then she realised she hadn't felt her move for a little while, Brenda peered down only to see Sharon had fallen asleep. The pang of guilt and longing was instant and Brenda's chest tightened. Everything about this was wrong but she couldn't help but, for a moment at least, relish in the feeling of being able to hold Sharon in her arms.

*

Rusty leapt to his feet when he heard the knock on the door. He didn't even stop to think about the fact Sharon would have a key and therefore wouldn't need to knock. He bolted to the door and without even checking who was there, opened it, expecting to see his mother. He instantly wished he hadn't when he saw the person standing outside.

"Hey, kid."

Rusty's face hardened and his grip on the door handle tightened a little. "Lieutenant." He deliberately used his rank, not his name.

Andy had pushed his hands in his pockets and only briefly made eye contact. "Is uhm… Is Sharon home? I would really like to talk to her."

"No," Rusty bit at him. Anger flickered behind his eyes. "She's not. And even if she was…"

Now Andy looked up and he suddenly seemed to realise what happened. He watched Rusty closely for a few seconds. "You knew, didn't you? You were the one who told Provenza?"

"Yes. And you should've been the one to tell Sharon!" Rusty retorted. The resentment towards Andy engulfed him. He didn't want to have to look at him for a moment longer and considered slamming the door in his face but he held is composure. "She's not home yet. I've been texting her but she hasn't replied."

Andy checked his watch and frowned. "She left work almost three hours ago. She should've been home by now. Where is she?"

"What's it to you?" Rusty snapped, but a thought formed in the back of his mind as he considered the places Sharon might go. "I think you should leave, Lieutenant."

Andy nodded and turned around. Rusty watched until he reached the elevator before closing the door and then sprinted back into the living room, grabbed his phone off the couch and checked the texts he'd sent. There were ten altogether to Sharon. All went without reply. With Sharon also having an IPhone, he could tell the messages hadn't even been read. Then he got an idea and typed another message and sent it to Brenda. Is my Mom with you?

Mere moments later his phone buzzed with a reply.

_She's here. You should go to bed, Rusty. Sharon's spending the night and she'll see you in the morning. xx_

Rusty heaved a sigh and looked around the living room. It was going to be a very long night.

*

Brenda watched the rest of the movie with Sharon asleep in her arms and the brunette only lifted her head when the credits had been rolling for about a minute. She looked tired and disoriented and Brenda smiled when Sharon's green eyes met hers. It was clear to see the alcohol was impairing her judgment.

"What happened?" Sharon asked, a little groggy.

"You fell asleep," Brenda smiled. "On me."

"Oh, Brenda! I'm sorry!" Sharon exclaimed and she quickly sat up. Her head did not appreciate the swift move and the room began to spin a little. "I… I should go. I didn't tell Rusty where I went and…"

"I texted him," Brenda reassured her. "He knows you're here. And he knows you're staying here."

"Staying?" Sharon questioned.

"You can't go home like this, honey." Brenda cocked her head. She felt a pang of sadness and guilt when she noticed the dull look in Sharon's eyes. It was clear the wine was affecting her. She was by no means drunk but she was also not capable of driving herself home and Brenda didn't like the idea of Sharon facing Rusty in this state. The hurt and frustration Sharon felt towards her son had been clear to see. Under the influence of alcohol, Sharon could possibly make a mistake she would live to regret.

"And I know you need to talk to Rusty. But not tonight."

She hadn't intended for the evening to end like this. Her original idea had been to just let Sharon vent as much as she needed and wanted, feed her, give her a glass of wine and take her home. But Sharon had continued to fill her glass and Brenda had soon realised she wouldn't be able to let Sharon go home tonight.

"Right," Brenda said as she pushed herself up to stand. She took Sharon's glass, downed the remainder of the wine and picked up the empty bottle too. "I think that's enough for one evening." Brown eyes fixed on Sharon. . "Do you want to shower now or in the mornin'?"

"Excuse me?" Sharon asked, snapping back into the reality of the moment. Her voice was a little thick with alcohol. "What?"

"Do you want to shower now or in the mornin'?" Brenda repeated. Then she shrugged. "Or both. I don't care. I just need to know so I can get you some towels and something to wear."

"Something to… Brenda, what are you talking about?" Sharon looked up at the blonde in confusion.

"You're stayin' here, Sharon. There ain't no way I'm lettin' you go home like this." Brenda crossed her arms in front of her chest, clearly ready for whatever Sharon would say next. "And don't you dare argue with me."

"No, Ma'am," Sharon shook her head. She was tired and the idea of sleep was awfully appealing. "And I'll shower in the morning."

Brenda nodded. "Ok. I'll go find you somethin' to wear. I won't be anythin' fancy but it'll be a lot more comfortable than tryin' to sleep in what you're wearin' now. That dress looks like a straitjacket."

Sharon groaned. "It feels like one too."

Brenda smiled and excused herself, telling Sharon she would be right back. She made her way down the hall to her bedroom and opened the wardrobe. There, on the top shelf, she kept some blankets and a spare pillow. Brenda took them down and put them on the bed, then selected a pair of pyjama pants and a t-shirt from the second drawer in her dresser. She hadn't lied when she said it wouldn't be anything fancy. The pyjama pants were light green with white squares. The shirt was an oversized black t-shirt with the letters CIA printed on the back. Brenda had bought it once as a crappy souvenir.

Clutching the items in her arms, Brenda walked back to the living room and found Sharon standing by the window. The brunette turned around when she heard Brenda come in.

"There are fresh towels in the cupboard left of the sink and a spare toothbrush in the medicine cabinet," Brenda shyly said. The suddenly reality of having Sharon stay over at her apartment hit her and she averted her eyes. "And if there's anything you need…"

Sharon nodded and watched as Brenda put the clean clothes and the blankets on the couch. It had been a long time since she'd slept on anyone's couch. Years ago, when the children had still been little and Jack had come home drunk, she'd bundled Emily and Ricky in the car one night and drove to Anne's house. The children had shared the spare bed together and Sharon had spent the night lying awake on the couch. The next morning when she came home, Jack was gone. It was one of the last times she saw him before he completely walked out on them. Sleeping on couches carried a negative feeling since then and tonight, as she faced what lay ahead, it was no different.

"I'll leave you to it," Brenda quietly said, aware of the awkward silence that had fallen between her and Sharon... "I haven't had anyone sleep on this thing yet so I can't promise it won't kill your back."

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Sharon answered. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Green eyes lingered a moment longer on the blonde's slender frame. When she had turned up on Brenda's doorstep, Sharon hadn't imagined she'd be spending the night here. It was kind of Brenda to offer.

She sighed. "Thank you, Brenda."

Brenda just smiled. "You're welcome. If there's anythin' you need, you know where I am." Another pause. The silence almost lasted too long. "Goodnight."

Sharon swallowed hard. The lump in her throat was unexpected. "Night."

She waited till Brenda had closed her bedroom door before collecting the pyjamas from the couch and making her way to the bathroom. She found the toothbrush still in its packaging in the medicine cabinet and brushed her teeth, then filled the sink with water and soap and washed her face, rinsing off the remnants of make-up. She then unzipped her dress and let it slide down her body. The fabric pooled at her feet and Sharon stepped out of it and neatly folded the dress. She unclasped her bra, took it off, and pulled the black CIA shirt over her head. It smelt of clean laundry, some sweet flowery scent, and Sharon inhaled deeply.

She put on the pyjama pants, picked up her clothes and left the bathroom. Padding her way back into the living room, Sharon left her clothes on the coffee table and went about putting the pillow in the right place, then the blankets. She then switched off the lights in the living room and the room was shrouded in darkness. Just as she was about to walk back to the couch, she heard Brenda's bedroom door open and Sharon held her breath.

There seemed to be a moment's hesitation in Brenda's footsteps, like she had paused to look into the living room to see if Sharon was alright and only saw the darkness. The next moment the bathroom door opened and closed and Sharon quickly walked over to the couch, lay down on her side and pulled the blankets up to her shoulders.

In the darkness of Brenda's living room, the enormity of today's events finally began to sink in. Andy had cheated on her, Rusty had lied. Two people who meant so much to her had betrayed and hurt her feelings. And now she was trying to sleep on Brenda's couch because she'd had too much wine to go home and make rational decisions. Letting out a sigh, Sharon closed her eyes, hoping that one way or another, sleep would come soon.

Sharon never heard Brenda whisper another quiet, "Good night."


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so sorry for the massive long delay. A load of stuff happening behind the scenes and slowly getting back to some kind of normal. And that means back to writing. As always, I am so grateful to Kitty for being there when I need her and for being the best friend anyone could ask for.The Sharon to my Brenda.

Sharon's eyes opened lazily and she blinked a couple of times before her surroundings came into focus. In that instant she realised she wasn't lying in her own bed, that the blanket covering her wasn't her duvet and that the pyjamas she was wearing weren't her own. Startled, Sharon sat up and let her eyes wander around the room. The images from the previous night came flooding back. Brenda. The wine. The movie and the food. Brenda's offer for Sharon to spend the night. Andy. Letting out a sigh, Sharon swung her legs over the side of the sofa.

She stood up and rummaged around in her purse until she found her phone. The screen lit up. It was almost six o'clock. That explained why it was still quite dark in the living room. Dawn was at least another hour away. Sharon saw the string of text messages from Rusty. She hadn't opened a single one of them the night before and now that she saw his name on her screen, she felt guilty. Just as she was about to swipe across the screen she heard a door open down the hall. Moments later, footsteps approached and then Brenda appeared.

"I wasn't sure if you were awake," the blonde said when she saw Sharon standing next to the couch and she brushed a stray curl out of her eyes. Her purple shirt clashed horribly with her light blue pyjama pants. Brown eyes searched Sharon's face. "Did you sleep aright? How are you feelin'?"

"I've had better mornings," Sharon confessed. She pointed at the pillow and blanket. "But the couch is not too bad."

"Do you want coffee?" Brenda asked as she went into the kitchen.

From where she stood Sharon could hear a cupboard open and she followed Brenda into the kitchen. There was a strange intimacy about walking around Brenda's apartment in pyjamas that didn't even belong to her but the moment of embarrassment quickly disappeared when Sharon saw Brenda rise to the tips of her toes to take the honey off the shelf. It seemed Brenda didn't care about the arrangement so why would Sharon have to care?

Sharon watched as Brenda made them both coffee and then gratefully accepted the mug Brenda handed to her. The warm, slightly bitter liquid was soothing and she took a few sips before putting the mug back down. "Thank you for letting me stay, Brenda."

Brenda leaned against the counter and looked at Sharon from over her mug. "No need to thank me," she smiled. "It was the least I could do." She didn't let go of Sharon's gaze. "What will you do today?"

Before Sharon had a chance to answer that question, her cell phone rang and she looked back over her shoulder into the living room where she had left it. Brenda was faster to move and had sprinted into the living room to get the phone and when she handed it to Sharon, she gave her a knowing look. A single glance at the screen confirmed Sharon's own suspicion. It was Provenza.

"Lieutenant," Sharon said when she answered. She suspected he was as reluctant to make this call as she was to answer it. "What can I do for you?" She furrowed her brow and listened for a while before nodding. "Very well." She checked her watch and tried to work out how long it would take her to shower, go home and get some clean clothes – because turning up in yesterday's outfit was out of the question- and drive to the crime scene. "I can meet you there in an hour."

She hung up and her eyes found Brenda's. "Do you mind if I take a quick shower?"

Brenda shook her head. "You know the way. I'd give you some of my clothes but I don't think they'll fit."

"It's alright," Sharon said as she picked up the mug and started in the direction of the bathroom. She stopped in the living room to pick up the clothes she had worn the previous day. "I'll grab some clean clothes at home. It's on the way to the crime scene anyway."

Sharon locked the bathroom door behind her, more out of habit than necessity, and turned to the mirror. Considering the fact she had slept on a couch and had consumed a fair bit of alcohol, she didn't look too bad. She would be able to salvage her hair by tying it back and not washing it in the shower, something she didn't do often and was considered to be a last resort.

Stripping off the pyjamas, Sharon left them in the corner of the bathroom and switched on the shower. The water was warm when she stepped under the flow. She washed her face first, washing away any remnants of sleep, then used a clean wash cloth she'd found with the towels to wash herself with Brenda's fragrant shower gel. It smelt expensive, which wasn't quite what Sharon had expected, and she inhaled the fruity scent as she washed the foam away from her skin.

After switching the shower off, Sharon dried herself off with one of the bright pink towels and found one of Brenda's hair bubbles in the medicine cabinet above the sink. She pulled her hair back into an uncharacteristic bun, then got dressed. With her shoes in her hand she left the bathroom and found Brenda engrossed in the morning paper, coffee mug balancing on her knee and blonde curls obscuring her face.

She looked up when she heard Sharon come back. "Feelin' better?"

"Much," Sharon smiled, feeling a little warm inside. She assumed it was because the shower had been quite warm. She took a deep breath. "I…. I'll be honest and say I don't really know what to do next. What do I say to him?"

"The same you would always say. Put him to work. Keep your distance," Brenda replied. She shifted on the couch so that she was looking up at Sharon. "And don't let him get to you. This wasn't your fault, Sharon. You don't have anything to answer for. If he wants to talk to you, tell him that you want to keep things professional."

Sharon's phone beeped with a text message and she checked it. It was from Amy, letting her know she had arrived at the crime scene. Slipping the device into her purse, Sharon looked back at Brenda. "I'll call you later."

"Sure," Brenda answered. Her smile widened a little. "Take it easy, alright?"

"I will," Sharon promised and she turned around and left the living room. She let herself out of Brenda's apartment and made her way to the elevator. Five minutes later she climbed behind the wheel of her car and Sharon leaned back. Her heart thundered at the thought of coming face to face with Andy at the scene of a double murder.

Sharon drove from Brenda's place back to the condo and wasn't surprised to find Rusty's car still parked in its usual spot. She rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and stuck the key in the door. It opened and when she stepped inside she could smell fresh male deodorant. Clearly Rusty was up and she had barely closed the door behind her when Rusty appeared in front of her. He started her and Sharon let out a small squeal.

"Sorry," he apologised.

Sharon looked at him. She could tell he was nervous. His eyes darted from left to right and she knew he was waiting for her to say something first. She heaved a sigh.

"Good morning."

His face fell. The somewhat cool greeting was clearly not what he expected. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," Sharon dismissed him. "But I'm rolling out and I need to get a change of clothes befre going to the crime scene so…"

"I'm sorry I lied about Andy."

Rusty blurted out the words causing Sharon to stop in her tracks. She didn't turn around to face him but stood nailed to the floor instead. She hadn't wanted to bring this up, not with the prospect of heading out to a crime scene and actually facing Andy, but it seemed that Rusty had different ideas. Sharon counted to five and then to ten inside her head and waited for Rusty to say something else. She could feel his eyes burning into her back, almost willing her to turn around. She recognised the anger bubbling underneath the surface.

"I know I should have come to you but I… I didn't know what to do and after Anne…"

Sharon spun around so fast, it caught Rusty by surprise. In that moment, all she felt was blinding anger. "You should have told me the moment you found out," she sneered at him. The harshness in her voice was shocking. "I asked you not to lie to me anymore but you went and lied again anyway. To my face! You looked me in the eye and lied!"

Rusty was taken aback by Sharon's outburst and needed a few moments to gather his thoughts. But when he spoke, there was a hint of anger in his words too. Sharon could also hear the tears he was trying to fight back. She knew he was upset but somehow her brain didn't quite register it.

"I didn't know what to do!" Rusty objected. "What would you have done if I had walked in here and said, "Hey mom, I think Andy cheated on you with a call girl"… Would you have even believed me, Sharon?"

Sharon noticeably flinched at the fact Rusty called her 'Sharon'. He hadn't done that for a long time. She had grown used to hearing the word 'mom' fall from his lips and the fact he didn't in this moment, made it feel like the rift between them had suddenly expanded. Sharon took a deep breath but couldn't fully contain the emotions that suddenly reached the surface before spilling out of her.

"It doesn't matter now because I found out the truth by walking in on a conversation between Lieutenant Provenza and Andy. And that is not a way anyone should have to find out the truth!" she snapped. Her voice was laced with bitterness. "Can you imagine what it feels like to find out that not only did your boyfriend lie to you, but your son and one of your closest friends did too?!" Sharon shook her head, pain flashing behind emerald eyes. "I am so disappointed in you, Rusty."

She went to turn around to walk away from him and he took a step towards her. "Sharon?"

There it was again. Another twist of the knife.

"You should go," Sharon sounded defeated. "Go to class." She swallowed. "I don't want to talk about this anymore." She still didn't look at him. "Just go."

Sharon walked down the hall to her bedroom and waited until she heard the front door close before sinking down on the bed and covering her face with her hands. Something in her chest ached. Regret, pain? She was angry at Rusty and she was disappointed in him. She had been hurt by Andy, she felt betrayed by his deceit. Heaving a sigh, Sharon pushed herself back up to stand and walked to her closet.

She pulled out a pair of simple but elegant black slacks, a green top and a pair of shoes. From the top drawer she took some clean underwear and Sharon stripped off yesterday's clothes, sprayed on some extra deodorant and perfume and got dressed in the clean clothes. She went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth and applied a minimal amount of make-up, just enough to not make her look worse for wear. She attempted to fix her hair but gave up, opting to keep it in the messy bun instead. She knew people would wonder but she didn't care. Casting a final glance in the mirror, reassured that she didn't look anywhere near as bad as she felt, Sharon picked up her purse and her high heels clicked against the wooden floor as she walked across the condo and stepped out of the front door.

Sharon drove to the crime scene and after parking her car behind the coroner's van, got out and ducked underneath the yellow crime scene tape. Provenza was talking to a CSU investigator but looked up when he saw her approach. Sharon noticed how Provenza's eyes darted around. She knew he was looking for Andy.

"What have we got, Lieutenant?" Sharon sounded professional as ever.

Provenza scrutinised her for a moment looking for any sign she was uncomfortable, his eyes lingering for a moment on the messy bun and he arched an eyebrow. Sharon shot him a look and Provenza accepted her stoic mask and checked his notes. "John and Lesley Jansen. Both shot several times and beaten with what looks to be a blunt object. Their faces were so badly beaten, we identified the bodies from their clothing and jewellery."

Sharon didn't even flinch. "Anyone else in the house?"

"The Jansen's have a sixteen year old son. His name is Hayden. His room's a bloody mess but no trace of him," Provenza explained. "There's an Amber alert out on him." He looked past Sharon in the direction of the house. The front door was open and people were walking in and out. Buzz and Amy were on the front lawn and Provenza flinched when he saw Andy step outside. Sharon chose that moment to turn around and laid eyes on him too.

From the corner of his eye Provenza noticed the way Sharon's lips twitched a little but then she regained her composure and straightened her spine. Slowly she walked across the lawn to the front door, with Provenza following closely behind. As he looked past Sharon, Provenza could see Andy's face light up with hope and he prepared himself for an intervention.

Not to his surprise, Sharon blanked out Andy completely and focused on Amy instead. The younger detective turned around when she heard Sharon mention her name.

"Anything inside the house?" Sharon wanted to know.

"A whole lot of blood and there's a knife missing from the block in the kitchen. The safe in the bedroom's been raided and I found this…" Amy held up a plastic zip lock evidence bag containing a familiar looking box. "It's empty."

"Bullets," Sharon said darkly. "Do the Jansen's own a weapon?"

"Yes, Ma'am," Julio said as he came walking out of the house clutching an LAPD issue IPad. "A 9mm Beretta is registered to John Jansen." He looked up to meet Sharon's gaze. "We haven't found it yet."

Sharon pursed her lips. "So, either this is a horrible family drama or…" She looked past her detectives at the front door of the house. "….Or something much more sinister is going on here. I want every bit of background information on these three people. Phone logs, bank statements, credit cards, everything." She turned to look at Amy. "Go to Hayden Jansen's school and talk to his classmates. Find out if he's the kind of kid capable of shooting his parents."

People started to disperse and Sharon was about to turn around when she sensed Andy coming up behind her. She turned back, facing him, and before she had a chance to tell him not to say anything, he had already started talking.

"Sharon, can we…"

She cut him off. "Talk?" she finished the sentence for him. Her eyes met his. "I don't think that's a good idea, Andy." She pushed her hands into her pockets, clenched her fists and she held his gaze. The look in her eyes was cold and hard. "I made my instructions clear. Do you need me to explain them again?"

Andy took a couple of steps back, clearly disappointed, but shook his head. "No, Ma'am."

Sharon made her way back to her car and found Provenza waiting for her. He didn't say anything and for a few long seconds they looked at each other but then Sharon said, "Not a word, Lieutenant."

She got into her car, started the engine and drove off.

~()~

It had been a long time since Sharon had been to the firing range. Sure, she took the mandatory yearly test to make sure she was still authorised to carry her weapon, but unlike most other cops, she didn't make her way down to the firing range regularly. To Sharon, her gun was a last resort' something she needed to carry because of her work, but not something she liked to rely on. Her time in FID had shown her too many mistakes by cops who had fired first and asked questions later.

But as she readjusted the ear protectors and readjusted some strands of hair behind them, Sharon felt a rush of satisfaction. Her loaded gun lay on the metal tray in front of her and she picked it up, checked the clip and the chamber, then cocked the safety and took aim. The gun, as always, felt cold and heavy in her hand and Sharon squinted slightly as she focused on the bulls eye target at the other end of the range. She hooked her index finger around the trigger and allowed herself a moment to feel the tension in her arm travelling up her shoulder before pulling back and releasing the first shot. She barely felt the kickback as she rapidly fired off shot after shot until her clip was empty.

After taking off her ear protectors, Sharon pressed the big red button to her right and waited until the motorised arm brought her target to her for inspection. She studied the holes in the paper and smiled at her result. Near enough perfect.

She pressed the button again and a new target appeared. Sharon reloaded her gun with her spare clip, put her ear protectors back on and then, for a moment, she felt the familiar rush of anger and frustration course through her veins. Anger over Andy's cheating, over Rusty and Provenza lying to her. The frustration of having a missing teenage boy out there whose parents had been savagely butchered without knowing whether he was a victim or a suspect.

The tears stung a little behind her eyes when Sharon fired the first shot. It gave her a whole different kind of feeling this time. Every bullet fired felt like a release, like she was pouring her pain and her anger into every shot. The harsh, metallic sound of the bullet leaving the gun, the smell of gunpowder up her nose… The feeling was intoxicating and Sharon pulled the trigger more rapidly. The last shot had just been fired when she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. Sharon put down the gun and went to answer.

"Lieutenant," she said when she saw Provenza's name. "What can I do for you?"

"You should come back to the Murder Room, Captain. I think you'll want to see this."

Sharon ended the call, reloaded her weapon and clipped it back into its holster on her hip. She slammed her fist down on the red button and the target was brought forward for inspection. Like the previous round, she had hit a perfect score and with a hint of satisfaction, Sharon turned around and left the firing range.

Twenty minutes later she walked into the Murder Room to find her entire squad present as well as Doctor Morales. He held what Sharon guessed was the preliminary report he conducted before doing an autopsy and he handed it to her. Sharon turned over the first page to find the cause of death and then looked back up, raising an eyebrow.

"Shot in the head?"

"Twice. Both of them. Normally I would call that execution style but Lieutenant Provenza just informed me that the bodies were found in different rooms of the house."

"You'd expect bodies to be found together when shot like this," Sharon agreed. "The Jansen's looked like they were surprised by whoever shot them." Her eyes drifted to the Murder Board where Tao had arranged some of the crime scene photos. The bodies had been found in the master bedroom and living room. The first picture depicted the father on the living room floor. John Jansen lay on his back, his eyes wide open, with two clear bullet holes in his head. He wore tracksuit pants and no shoes and the blood had pooled around the body. There was no doubt he had been killed in that exact spot.

The next picture showed his wife Lesley on the bedroom floor, wearing her light blue silk pyjamas. Her greying blonde hair lay sprawled out over cream carpet that was now stained with blood. Even in the pictures Sharon could see the faint impression of bloody shoe prints. The plastic numbers from the crime scene investigators stood next to them with the digits 11, 12 and 13. The two bullet holes in her forehead were unmistakeable.

"The house looked like it had been ransacked," Julio pointed out and Sharon saw some of the crime scene photos that supported his statement. Drawers in the bedroom had been opened and emptied, the living room looked like it had been torn apart and kitchen cupboards were left open. There was shattered glass on the floor. Every so often a faint bloody footprint could be seen in the pictures; the killer or killers had walked around the house after the shooting.

"I found bruises on Lesley Jansen's wrist consistent with somebody forcibly grabbing her," Morales said and turned to Amy to demonstrate. She raised both her hands and he took her wrist, yanking softly.

"She could have been in bed," Amy said. The bed in the picture looked like it had been slept in. "Maybe the killer dragged her out of bed to open the safe?"

"Maybe," Sharon mused, her eyes narrowing slightly. She was aware of Andy's eyes burning into her back but she didn't look at him. "Kendall put the time of death between 2 and 3am last night. The paperboy called 911 at 7.30am this morning. That's a decent time window for whoever did this to get away." She rubbed the bridge of her nose, then focused on Julio. "Get a couple of uniforms and start going door to door. See if anyone heard or saw anything last night." She turned to look at Amy. "Anything on Hayden's school?"

"I have a meeting with the principal in an hour. He's promised me full access to Hayden's classmates and his locker."

"Good. Any news on Hayden himself?"

Provenza shook his head. "Looks like the kid vanished off the face of the Earth."

"Everyone leaves a trail, Lieutenant," Sharon sounded a little dark. "We just have to find it."

She knew she would have to turn around and look at Andy eventually so when she saw Provenza look past her in his direction, Sharon slowly turned. Her voice was cool when she spoke. "Andy, anything on the Jansen's finances?"

"Still waiting to hear back from the credit card company but so far it all looks like it checks out. Nothing too out of the ordinary but there is one thing…" Andy reached for a piece of paper on his desk. "I found this in the unopened mail in the kitchen."

He handed it to Sharon. She was careful not to touch his hand.

The piece of paper turned out to be a letter from a lawyer's office confirming the application for life insurance. The details were pretty vague but from what she could see, it didn't immediately look like a motive for murder. The Jansen's would have been each other's beneficiary. There was no mention of Hayden at all. Sharon looked back up and briefly met Andy's gaze. "Follow up on this. I'm curious why they didn't mention their son in the paperwork."

Behind her, Amy and Julio shared a puzzled look but by the time Sharon turned to face them, both had focused on the tasks they had been given. Provenza however had not missed the way the two detectives had looked at each other and he knew that eventually, people would discover what had happened.

"Good work everyone," Sharon said. She then focused on Morales. "What time will you be doing the autopsy?"

"In an hour," he answered and Sharon nodded.

"I'll see you then."

She turned around and crossed the Murder Room to her office. Closing the door behind her, shutting out the world, was a relief and Sharon let out a sigh. The fight she'd had that morning with Rusty still played in the back of her mind and the tension between her and Andy at the crime scene and in the Murder Room had been palpable. Just as she went to walk over to her desk, her phone rang.

"Hey," she said when she answered, having seen Brenda's name flash across the screen.

"Hi," Brenda said and Sharon could hear the smile in her voice. "Did you catch that double homicide?"

"How do you know about that?" Sharon asked. "Oh, never mind. Didn't I tell you to leave the police scanner alone?"

"What's the fun in that?" Brenda chuckled. "Anyway, I only called to see if you were free for lunch."

"I'll be standing over a dead body at lunchtime," Sharon said. She sank down in her chair and readjusted the bun in the back of her neck. "I doubt I'll feel like eating after so rain check?"

"Sure." There was a pause and Sharon wondered what Brenda was doing. "Did you see Rusty this morning?"

"Briefly."

"How did it go?"

"Did he call you?" Sharon wanted to know but Brenda made a noise that suggested he hadn't. "It didn't go all too well but I don't want to talk about it right now. I have two dead people with bullets in their heads, a missing sixteen year old kid and…" She glanced up through the open blinds. "Andy."

"I guess I'd better not ask how that went either."

"It's probably best that you don't," Sharon confirmed. She sighed as she remembered waking up on Brenda's couch that morning. "Thank you again for last night, Brenda."

"Oh it's fine, Sharon," Brenda laughed and it was a sincere laugh. "Anytime." Then her laugh faded out. "Call me if you need anything. I know what cases like this one can be like."

"I will," Sharon answered softly. "Thank you, Brenda."

The call ended and Sharon put her phone down on her desk. A sense of dread settled in her chest as she went over the scenarios of what could have happened to Hayden Jansen; none of them had much of a good outcome. It was hard to imagine a sixteen year old kid had ended up in of situation that saw his parents murdered and himself kidnapped but Sharon knew she had to entertain every likely scenario.

She spent another forty minutes in her office before getting up and making her way down to the morgue. Sharon put on a clean light blue gown and wrestled her hands into a pair of latex gloves. She then opened the door to the autopsy room. The first thing she saw was John Jansen's body, most intimate parts covered by a white sheet, on the autopsy table, his body cruelly lit up by the bright lamp above him. He looked pale and as she approached, Sharon saw tattoos on his forearm. They looked old and not very well done. Boyhood mistakes, she guessed.

"Ah, Captain," Doctor Morales said when she entered. "Come on in. I was just about to start."

Sharon approached the table almost cautiously and was struck by just how peaceful John Jansen looked, considering there were two bullet holes in his head. Now that he had been cleaned up and all the blood was gone, the two holes were just black openings that seemed to be staring right back at her and Sharon felt an involuntary shiver run down her spine.

Morales picked up the scalpel from his tray of instruments and placed the blade on John Jansen's skin. From where she stood Sharon could see he had already collected scrapings from underneath his fingernails in the little brown envelopes that would be sent off to the crime lab. She also saw the large white one that contained strands of the victim's hair. Just as she looked back to focus on Jansen's face, Morales slid the blade across the man's chest. Sharon watched as he repeated the same motion on the other side before joining the two cuts and making a third down across the sternum. The famous, or infamous, Y incision associated with autopsies. She didn't blink as Morales gently sliced through the multiple layers of skin before almost tenderly peeling them away.

Time seemed to either freeze or speed up down in the morgue; there was no middle ground. When Sharon looked up at the clock she realised she had been down here for almost two hours. She'd watched as Morales removed and weighed all the organs, used the metal pins to determine the trajectory of the bullets that had penetrated John Jansen's skull and eventually put the organs back and stitched the chest back together. When he pulled the white sheet over Jansen's body, leaving only the top of his head exposed, Sharon was almost relieved that it was over.

And then she remembered Lesley Jansen.

Her phone rang just as Morales started to prepare her for autopsy and Sharon removed her gloves before answering. It was Amy.

"There's something you need to see," was all the young detective said.

Sharon shrugged herself out of her gown and placed it in the special bin by the door. She turned in the doorway. "Call me if you find anything out of the ordinary."

Morales cocked an eyebrow. "She has two bullets in her head. That isn't out of the ordinary enough?"

Sharon flashed a brief smile before leaving the morgue. She washed her hands in the ladies room because the latex gloves left her fingers feeling dry and itchy and then she made her way back to the Murder Room. Amy was waiting for her and Sharon instantly sensed something had changed.

"What?" she asked when she saw the looks being shared.

"Hayden Jansen's classmates had a few things to say about him," Amy explained and she opened her notebook and flipped through the pages. "A loner, quiet, shy. Not the type anyone would even suspect would be capable of killing his parents. Someone even said he's the type of guy afraid of his own shadow." She looked up from her notes. "His grades are average, he doesn't skip class, and his teachers barely notice him."

Sharon breathed in through her nose and focused back on the crime scene pictures. "If there's one thing I've learnt after all these years," she said as she slowly approached the board. "Is that nothing is ever as it seems." She turned to look back at Amy. "Any luck pinging his cell phone?"

"Looks like it's switched off. Last known location is the Jansen's address," Tao answered. "But we searched the place and didn't find it. There wasn't a single cell phone in the house." He paused for a moment, also looking at the pictures. "Bit extreme for a robbery, don't you think?"

"I agree, Lieutenant," Sharon said slowly. "So why did they take all the phones?" She studied the bloodied footprint on the carpet. "Do we know what size these are?"

"Men's size twelve," Tao replied. "And before you ask, I found some running shoes in Hayden's wardrobe. He wears a size twelve."

"So do many other men in Los Angeles," Amy pointed out and Sharon had to agree with that. Size twelve wasn't uncommon.

"We need to find this boy," she said. "He'll be the only one to give us the answers."

~()~

It looked like they were headed towards a case that was going to drag on for a while when, just after four o'clock, the phone on Provenza's desk rang and he answered. Mere moments later his booming voice had called for Sharon and she'd left her office to find him standing by his desk, receiver still pressed against his ear, and his eyes wide.

"They found him," Provenza said, the echo of relief evident in his voice. "They found Hayden Jansen." His eyes found Sharon's. "And he's alive."

'They' turned out to be a patrol car from Narcotics who had pulled over a car suspected to be involved in a drug trade. It was when one of the officers walked around the vehicle that he discovered Hayden Jansen hidden behind a large dumpster, his face and clothes bloodied and his hands shaking. He hadn't told them his name but they made the ID through the picture that had been circulated through the entire LAPD and called Major Crimes. Now, just twenty minutes later, Sharon found herself standing by the ambulance and she watched as the paramedics worked to clean Hayden up.

He fitted the description Amy had given her, she thought. Small for his sixteen years, with dirty blonde hair and shy, timid blue eyes. Now that his face was no longer covered in blood, Sharon could see that Hayden struggled with acne. His clothes were stained and although his hands had stopped shaking, he still had not spoken a word.

The female paramedic looked over her shoulder at Sharon, clearly impressed the Captain was waiting so patiently. Cops were known for being pushy when it came to talking to people of interest but Sharon knew that right now she couldn't overwhelm Hayden. He was in shock and she needed to tread lightly.

"You can speak to him but only for a few minutes," the paramedic said and Sharon flashed a smile in thanks before climbing into the ambulance and sitting down next to Hayden.

"Hayden?" she said softly. "I'm Captain Sharon Raydor with the LAPD." He wasn't looking at her. "Do you remember what happened?" She waited for a few seconds. "Can you tell me what happened at your house, Hayden?"

Hayden slowly turned his head to look at Sharon. She saw the beginnings of a large bruise under his eye, like someone had punched him. "I don't know," he muttered. "People came and…" He furrowed his brow in an attempt to remember more. "I heard voices and I went to see what was going on. Mom was yelling…"

Sharon tried not to imagine what it must have looked like for Hayden to walk into his parents' bedroom and finding his mother on the floor in a pool of blood. She waited to see if the boy would say something else but he had fallen silent and stared blankly at the ceiling of the ambulance.

"Do you remember how many voices you heard? Did you recognise them?" Sharon carefully asked. The look in Hayden's eyes seemed to become less distant as her questions sunk in.

Hayden shook his head. "No," he quietly answered. "But I think…. Two… There were two voices. Men's voices." He looked at Sharon then. "Does that help?"

Sharon nodded. "Yes, it helps. Do you know how they got into the house? Do you remember a door being open maybe?"

"No. I'm sorry."

"Did they attack you?" Sharon questioned.

Hayden swallowed and his hand twitched. "They came into my room. Told me to get all the money in the house. I… I didn't know the code."

"The code?" Sharon asked, remembering the safe had been opened before the Jansen's had been shot.

"For the ATM. They…they had my dad's card."

Sharon sat back. Earlier that morning she had disputed the thought of this being a robbery gone wrong but Hayden's story seemed to suggest otherwise. After reassuring the kid that he had done the right thing by telling her what he remembered, she exited the ambulance and joined Provenza and Amy who were talking to the patrol officers who had found Hayden.

"How far are we from the Jansen home?" Sharon wanted to know.

"Thirty blocks, I'd say," Amy answered. She glanced over her shoulder at the ambulance. "Pretty long way to walk in his condition. People had to have noticed him if he walked here by himself. Security footage from some of the office buildings, traffic cameras… If he walked here, someone saw him."

Sharon nodded slowly. "Hayden didn't say anything about how he ended up here but he seems pretty confused at the moment He may be able to give us more answers later." The sound of the ambulance doors being slammed shut made her jump a little and she looked back at Amy. "Talk to Hayden when he gets to the hospital. Try and get him to tell you how he ended up here."

Amy nodded, then walked away.

Sharon then looked at Provenza. They had barely spoken since she learnt about Andy and this was the first time they found themselves alone. His eyes found hers and for a few moments neither spoke as they shared a moment of quiet understanding. Right now, in this moment, they would have to move past what had happened and focus on the job at hand. When Sharon slowly nodded, Provenza did the same and still without speaking, they walked back to Sharon's car together.

It wasn't until Sharon got behind the wheel and started the engine that Provenza spoke. "Sharon…"

"I know," she said, cutting him off. "I know what you're going to say and…" She didn't finish the sentence because she didn't know what else to say. She sighed, then gave Provenza a sideways glance. He was watching her with concern in his eyes. "I know."

"So…"

"We're good, Lieutenant," Sharon confirmed. "We're good."


	25. Chapter 25

It was Amy's phone call that changed the direction of their investigation. Sharon had been about to go home for the night and had swung her bag over her shoulder when her phone rang and she answered, her eyes already on the door. She was hungry and tired and her body felt sore after sleeping on Brenda's couch last night.

"Yes, Amy?"

"Captain, I think there is something wrong with Hayden Jansen's story," Amy said and from the hushed tone of her voice Sharon gathered the younger detective was still within hearing range of the teenager. An unnerving feeling crept up on her.

"Wrong how?" she asked and she only realised she'd been holding her breath when the tension in her chest grew and she slowly exhaled. She had been on edge all day and it didn't feel like things were about to get any better.

"Call it gut instinct but if you ask me, he's hiding something. There's something he's not telling us," Amy answered. There was a pause followed by the sound of a door being closed. When Amy spoke again she was sounding a little clearer and Sharon imagined her to be standing in a corridor somewhere. "When I saw Mike earlier, he gave me some testing kits for GSR. You know, just so that we'd have some in case we needed a quick answer."

Sharon knew what Amy meant. The test was designed to find traces of gunshot residue on a person's hands or clothing to determine whether or not they had recently fired a gun.

"Before the doctors did their tests on Hayden, I did the GSR test on his hands and it came back positive."

"His parents were shot. There was a gun in the house." Sharon's brain instantly looked for the reasons a defence lawyer would give for the traces of gunpowder on Hayden's clothes.

"I'd understand that if there was a small amount on his hands. It could be a transfer from the shooter or something but this…" Amy's breath caught in the back of her throat. "I tested his clothes too and Captain, I'm convinced this boy fired a gun within the last few hours."

"You think he's involved?" Sharon sighed. Things were going from bad to worse.

"I think we need to ask different questions," Amy tentatively answered. "And maybe read him his rights."

Running her hand through her hair, she had freed it from her bun some time ago and it now fell in waves down her shoulders, Sharon peered through the blinds. Provenza was still at this desk. Julio had just gone home and she didn't see Andy either. Mike was still present as well and with the phone still pressed to her ear, Sharon left her office. The members of her squad looked up.

"Lieutenant," Sharon said, focusing on Mike. "I know it's late but I was wondering if you could join Amy at the hospital." Tao nodded but raised his eyebrows in question. "There are some questions regarding Hayden Jansen and I don't want Amy out there with him on her own." Her gaze shifted to Provenza, silently seeking an answer to the question she knew she wouldn't have to ask. He nodded and she knew he would be able to stay here as long as needed tonight.

"Do you want me to call Rusty to tell him you won't be home for dinner?" he asked when Sharon went to turn back to her office and she froze.

She hadn't spoken to him since that morning. He hadn't texted and although she had been tempted a couple of times, Sharon hadn't either. She was still angry and disappointed and knowing Rusty, he felt the same way. They would have to talk sooner or later but right now, Sharon didn't feel like it. For once, Rusty would have to wait until she was ready.

She wondered how much Provenza knew. It was likely Rusty had told him about what happened that morning and to be honest, Sharon wasn't sure how she felt about that. Instead of answering she just quickly nodded. "And get Andy and Julio back here too. I have a feeling it's going to be a long night."

"Captain?"

Sharon spun around when she heard Buzz call for her. He waved a little plastic box with a CD in the air. "Security footage from a traffic camera across the street from where the patrol officers found Hayden Jansen. You will want to see this."

Sharon followed Buzz to the media room and waited for him to load the DVD. A grainy black and white image typical for a traffic camera designed to catch people running a red light filled the large screen and Sharon recognised the intersection where they'd first met Hayden Jansen. The timestamp was four hours before the cops called it in and Buzz forwarded it until they were about twenty minutes from when Hayden was first seen.

"Look out for the dark coloured Buick," Buzz said and as soon as he'd said it, Sharon saw the car come into view. She also noticed it came from the East, which was the direction to the Jansen home. In the pit of her stomach, nausea began to swirl around and Sharon reached to hold on to the desk.

The Buick drove slowly, slower than the other traffic, almost as if it was looking for something. She couldn't make out a licence plate, much to her frustration. Seconds later, the car was gone and she went to turn around to Buzz but he pointed back at the screen. The car appeared again, this time from the opposite direction, having clearly turned around, and pulled up along the kerb. Sharon could make out the shape of a person in the passenger seat and then the door opened. The figure, she guessed it was a man based on body posture, got out of the car and kept his back turned on the camera for a few moments before turning slightly.

Buzz froze the screen and zoomed in. Sharon found herself staring at the overly pixelated face of Hayden Jansen. And he appeared perfectly fine. She watched with baited breath as a second person exited the car, this time form the back seat, followed by the driver. Both individuals wore hoodies and she couldn't make out their faces but the trio disappeared down the alley, at which point Buzz forwarded the video until only two people returned.

"They get back in the car and they drive off," he said. He skipped to another scene from a different street. The angle had changed and Sharon saw a pedestrian crossing as well as an intersection. "Different traffic camera snaps the Buick running a stop sign and this…" He zoomed in and the digits and numbers slowly became into focus before Sharon's eyes. "…Is their licence plate."

"Well done, Buzz," Sharon beamed and her eyes lit up even more when he handed her a print out which showed a print out of a driver's licence. Staring back at her from a picture was the face of a boy, because that was really all he was, with black hair and dark eyes.

"David Ruiz, seventeen. Los Angeles address. The Buick is registered to him and…" Buzz showed Sharon another piece of paper. "Guess what High School he goes to?"

Sharon glanced down at the piece of paper and saw the name. It was one she had seen before. "The same one as Hayden Jansen."

"Better yet," Buzz added. "They're in the same year."

~()~

Under different circumstances Sharon would have waited till the morning to talk to David Ruiz but she felt a sense of urgency about this case that drove her to break with protocol and she asked Provenza to accompany her. It was almost ten o'clock when they pulled up on the driveway of the Ruiz residence and Sharon sighed in relief when she noticed all the lights were still on. It was complicated enough to deal with parents where minors were involved without having to wake them up.

She made sure her badge was clearly visible on her belt and tucked her blazer behind her holster, letting her fingers ghost over her gun for a split second. Provenza fell into step beside her as they approached the front door and Sharon knocked. The house was in a nice neighbourhood, definitely middle class, and she'd noticed the Buick parked in the driveway right next to a Ford SUV and a Chrysler.

The door opened, revealing a man in his late forties with thick, curly black hair. Sharon saw the resemblance immediately. This was David Ruiz' father. He wore an expensive suit and had loosened his silk tie. Sharon watched as the man's eyes flickered to the badge and gun on her belt and then he met her gaze. She knew what he did for a living before he had to tell her. She could identify a lawyer from ten feet away.

"Good evening sir, I'm Captain Sharon Raydor from the LAPD, this here is Lieutenant Provenza," Sharon did the introductions and smiled politely. "I am so sorry to bother you this late but I was hoping we could take up a few moments of your time."

"What is this about?" Ruiz senior asked.

"Does the Buick in the drive way belong to your son David?" Provenza asked.

"Yes. What did he do this time? Another speeding ticket? Seems a bit extreme to send a Captain and a Lieutenant out for that."

Sharon swallowed and then asked, "May we come in, Mr Ruiz?"

The door was opened further and Sharon and Provenza stepped into the house. The hallway was tiled and the walls painted a soft shade of beige. A tall white vase with fake flowers stood in the corner and Sharon caught a glimpse of family pictures on the wall as the followed Ruiz into the living room. Ruiz picked up the remote and switched off the TV, causing the woman in the room to look up. Sharon guessed she was his wife. The same dark hair as her son, the same olive skin.

"Mr and Mrs Ruiz, is your son home?" Provenza asked after quickly scanning the living room and realising the boy wasn't present.

"He is upstairs doing his homework," Mrs Ruiz answered and she glanced nervously at her husband. Sharon got the distinct impression this was not the first time they had seen police officers in their living room regarding their son and she wondered why there was no record of it.

Provenza glanced at Sharon and she nodded. "Would it be possible for your son to join us? We have a few questions we'd like to ask him."

Mrs Ruiz stood up and disappeared out of the room. Sharon heard her footsteps go upstairs. At the same time she felt Mr Ruiz's eyes on her and when she looked at him he took his chance. "Is this about what happened to Hayden Jansen's parents? Such a tragedy. David and Hayden are friends. Have been since kindergarten. I can't believe it… In their own home too. Do you have any idea who could have done this?"

"We are working on that, sir, and we're hoping your son can give us some answers," Sharon answered, keeping her polite smile firmly in place.

Two sets of footsteps came down the stairs and moments later Mrs Ruiz appeared with her son following closely behind her. The moment the boy entered the room, Sharon felt a shiver travel down her spine. David Ruiz had looked distant in the picture but his eyes were positively cold when he looked at Sharon. He'd pushed his hands in his pocket and leaned against the couch, seemingly uninterested.

"David, these police officers want to talk to you about what happened to Hayden's parents," Mr Ruiz said.

"Whatever." The answer sounded careless.

"David, that Buick in the driveway… did you drive it down 75th earlier today?" Provenza asked. "Because it was caught by a traffic camera ignoring a stop sign." He moved a little closer. "That was moments after we saw Hayden Jansen leave your car and you and someone else follow him into the alley."

There was no reaction. David Ruiz stared blankly at a spot on the wall.

"David?" his father prompted him. "If there is something you know, you need to tell these people."

"Oh fuck off, Dad. What do you know?" David unexpectedly spat and Sharon flinched at the sudden outburst. "I don't have to say shit to them." He turned his gaze on Sharon and the blackness of eyes filled her with dread. "Unless they're going to arrest me, I don't have to say anything to you." He smirked. "Are you going to arrest me?"

"Can you tell us who was in the car with you today?" Provenza asked, ignoring the teenager's rude and challenging words. "Did you go anywhere near Hayden Jansen's house?"

"No one wants to go near that hellhole," Ruiz snapped. "If you ask me, the world is better off without them."

"David!" Mrs Ruiz exclaimed in horror.

Sharon glanced at Provenza and nodded. He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out the piece of paper. "We have a warrant to search your property as well as your son's car. Back up will arrive momentarily. It shouldn't take long. I suggest you all take a seat and let us do our job."

As if on cue there was a knock on the front door and Sharon went back into the hall to answer. Outside, already gloved up, stood Andy and Julio accompanied by several uniformed officers. They all filed into the house and Sharon directed Andy and Julio upstairs to David's bedroom whilst sending the officers to the other rooms in the house and two she sent out to the Buick after finding the keys by the door.

"Lieutenant, could you see to it everyone is comfortable down here?" Sharon inquired and when Provenza nodded, she made her way up the stairs and found Andy and Julio in David's room. Stepping over the threshold felt strange and the first thing Sharon noticed was how eerily tidy the room was. No clutter, no pictures, no posters. The walls were bare and the bedding just plain black. A few schoolbooks lay neatly piled on the desk, a pen and two pencils on top of them. There were no dirty clothes on the floor, no discarded socks under the bed. The window was slightly open, inviting the cool evening air. It was almost impossible to imagine this was the room of a teenage boy.

Sharon tentatively walked over to the desk and picked up one of the books. She flipped through it and found that the housework, algebra apparently, had been neatly done in a perfectly clear handwriting. She put the book down and picked up the next one. It was part of an English class and talked about classic novels. She let her fingers slide across the desk until she found the top drawer and opened.

More paper and more pencils but it was when she pushed them aside that she saw the notebook underneath them. She took it out and turned the first few pages before suddenly feeling her breath catch in her throat. The image in front of her was graphic and violent but the longer she looked, the more she realised it was also familiar. She held it up to show to Julio. Andy didn't turn around and Sharon was kind of glad he hadn't.

"Is that our crime scene?" Julio asked as he studied the drawing and Sharon nodded.

"It's detailed too."

Julio shook his head. "I can never get over cases where kids murder their own parents. What possesses a kid to shoot his parents in the head?"

Sharon glanced at her watch. It was ten forty-five and the search was going to take at least another hour. She sighed. "I want David Ruiz arrested. The best we can do right now is aiding an offender but I'm sure Hobbs can do better when we know more."

"I'll do it," Andy offered and Sharon felt relieved when he left. She shared a look with Julio and the two of them silently went back to searching the room.

The search took longer than expected and turned up more strange and unnerving finds than Sharon had thought. Carrying several plastic evidence bags between her gloved fingers, Sharon walked down the driveway back to her car. The sky over her head was jet black and she could smell the rain in the air. It was close to midnight and she craved coffee and sugar, two things she usually avoided. But she had been awake for a long time and she wasn't about to go home so she gratefully accepted the Styrofoam cup of coffee handed to her by Julio. After removing her gloves, the coffee warmed her hands when she clutched the cup.

She had barely taken a sip when her phone rang and she saw Mike's caller ID. She answered but before she had even said anything, Sharon knew something was wrong. She heard voices in the background, could hear people yelling. Without thinking she dropped the coffee. The lid came off and the liquid spilt all over the pavement. Two steps away from her, Julio spun around and registered the panic on her face.

"Mike? Mike, what's going on?!" Sharon wanted to know, gripping the phone tighter. Her knuckles turned white and she felt the adrenaline pulsate in her veins.

"He has a gun! Hayden Jansen has a gun!"

Sharon's heart skipped a beat. "Shit." She looked over her shoulder at the rest of her division. They had all frozen and were watching her. In those few shorts seconds they all realised something was wrong. "Get in the car! Hayden has a gun!"

A patrol car drove David Ruiz to Parker Centre while everybody else drove off in the direction of Cedars.

The sound of the siren wailing and the blue and red light flashing on the dashboard put Sharon on edge. Mike had hung up and she desperately fiddled with her phone hoping he'd call back. She wanted to call him but knew it was better not to. The sound of the phone ringing could startle Hayden and force him to do something even more erratic. By the time they rolled up outside the hospital's main entrance and Sharon grabbed her bulletproof vest from the trunk, Mike still hadn't called.

Sharon held her gun in an iron grip when she ran into the hospital lobby. It was crowded. Security officers were busy ushering visitors and staff out of the hospital waiting areas and out into the night. People were going willingly, assuming it was a drill. They were used to those these days with the threat of terrorism hanging over their heads.

Sharon and the others avoided the elevators and climbed the stairs to the fifth floor instead. When she, Provenza, Julio and Andy came through the double doors they found the nurse's station abandoned, the waiting room empty and almost all the doors to the rooms closed. Amy and Mike each stood against a wall, guns drawn and Amy sighed in relief when Julio threw her a vest. Provenza gave Mike his and Sharon quickly tried to assess the situation.

"What happened?"

"I don't know where the gun came from. It looks like the weapon registered to his father but I'm not sure," Amy answered. Beads of sweat glistened on her forehead and Sharon heard the adrenaline in her voice. "When I came back into the room, he pointed it at me and told me to leave. I've tried talking to him through the door but he's not responding."

"Is he alone?" Sharon asked but Amy shook her head. Her brown eyes were wide open, her pupils dilated. Sharon could see how tense the nerves in Amy's hands were as she clutched the gun.

"He has a nurse in there with him."

Sharon closed her eyes. A hostage changed the situation. She tried to think clearly. She needed to get the other woman out of the room. The nurse's safety was paramount now. She looked over her shoulder at Provenza and he seemed to immediately know what she was going to suggest. He merely looked back at her.

"Are you sure?"

Sharon nodded. There wasn't a cell in her body that wasn't sure about what she was about to do. "I'm sure. There is no one else here we can fall back on. We don't have SWAT and we can't wait for an FBI hostage negotiator." There was a tremor in her voice. "I know it's not what the rule book says, Lieutenant, but if we don't do something now, that woman in there is going to die."

Provenza slowly nodded. "Want me to come with you?"

She flashed a quick smile and then started down the hall with Provenza following closely behind her. She reached the door to Hayden's room and raised her gun ready to fire. The metal of the trigger felt cool against her finger and she felt the tension vibrate through her hand. Sharon could hear stumbling on the other side of the door followed by the soft sound of crying.

She took a deep breath, briefly closed her eyes and then with a loud, clear voice she called, "Hayden? It's Captain Raydor!"

Her voice carried through the otherwise empty corridor.

"Go away or I'll blow her head off!"

The threat made Sharon flinch. Hayden sounded stressed, panicked. The voice Sharon heard belonged to a young man who had nothing left to lose, who felt cornered and trapped…. And people in those situations were always unpredictable.

"Go away! GET OUT!"

"You know I can't do that. But I do have a suggestion." Sharon took another deep breath. She had made the decision in an instant but now that the moment was here, she felt hesitation. She thought of Emily and Ricky and Rusty and what doing this could possibly do to them. She allowed herself to think about them for a few seconds, saw their faces flash through her mind, and then she pushed it away. This was what it had come to. There was no other way.

"Let the nurse go and I'll take her place." She looked at Provenza. She appreciated that he was making a sacrifice by coming with her. She also knew that despite the fact he told her he would come, he did neither agree nor approve.

"We can talk as much as you want or just sit in silence. Whatever you prefer. But I can't let you keep that nurse in there, Hayden. She has done nothing wrong." Sharon paused but then added, "And no one is going to burst into that room when you have a police officer in there with you. Let her go and I'll take her place."

The seconds that followed seemed to last forever. Sharon felt her heart pound in her chest, felt the adrenaline course through her veins. She didn't want to consider the possibility that Hayden would deny her request. She relied on him accepting the exchange, whatever the consequences may be. She was playing into his desire to be seen and heard, to feel in control. Having a police officer as a hostage would be exactly what he wanted.

"Stand back!" Hayden ordered from the other side of the door and, releasing her breath, Sharon took a small step back. She never took her finger off the trigger, never lowered her gun. But something eased inside of her.

The door opened and Hayden appeared, wearing just his hospital gown. His eyes were wide open and his pupils dilated. Sharon could see the way his blonde hair stuck to his forehead. Hayden pressed the nurse against his chest with the gun against her throat. Sharon had never seen someone look more menacing, almost demonic, than Hayden Jansen and she slowly lowered her own gun to show she wasn't there to threaten him.

"Well done, Hayden," she praised him and stretched out an arm. The young nurse was trembling. Sharon saw the cut just above the woman's eyebrow. It was bleeding a little. She looked petrified. "You need to let her go, Hayden. Send her over to Detective Sykes." She pointed in Amy's direction.

"Go!" Hayden barked at the nurse and the crying girl sprinted down the hall into Amy's waiting arms, almost knocking the detective off her feet.

Reassured that the nurse was safe, Sharon slowly approached the door and Hayden watched her closely as she entered. Provenza entered just after Sharon did and Hayden slammed the door behind them, then locked it. He grabbed Sharon's gun from her hand, catching her by surprise, and tossed it on the floor, then demanded Provenza hand his over as well. The Lieutenant complied and, like Sharon, raised his hands in the air to show he meant no harm.

"Sit down," Hayden barked and pointed the gun to the floor.

Sharon slowly sank to the ground and sat down with her knees pulled up to her chest. She never took her eyes off Hayden. "What's going on, Hayden?" she wanted to know. Her voice was soft and caring; like a parent speaking to a child. "Where did you get the gun?"

"You really need to teach those stupid officers to check people's underwear," he laughed and hoisted up his gown high enough to show the simple black boxer shorts he wore and Sharon shivered. Guns in underwear brought back some unpleasant memories.

Years ago a suspect had brought a gun into an interrogation room and ended up almost shooting Brenda because a patrol officer had failed to search him properly. Sharon still vividly recalled the moment she watched the video where the suspect aimed his gun at the door just before Buzz saved Brenda's life. Moments later the suspect killed himself.

It had resulted in a change of policy but it seemed it had not been followed today. There wasn't time to think about that right now though so instead Sharon forced herself to stay calm. She inhaled and exhaled deeply and never took her eyes off Hayden. The safety was off the gun and she had no reason to doubt that it was loaded.

"Is this the point where you're going to ask me what happened?" Hayden's eyes were fixed on Sharon too. He watched her with contempt.

Sharon held his gaze but her eyes narrowed slightly. Hayden's attitude screamed that he believed to be superior to her. She knew he would try to play her. She would have to be two steps ahead of him if she wanted to have any chance of bringing this to a good end.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" she tried. "Your version of events."

"They had it coming," Hayden shrugged. His voice was cold and made Sharon feel cold inside. He started pacing the room, the gun casually in his hand. Sharon followed him with her eyes, observed the sweat increasing on his forehead, the nervous twitch in his hand. The sound of his bare feet against the lino sounded eerie.

"They deserved it."

"Why?" Provenza asked. He had sat down next to Sharon but seemed less comfortable than she was. "What did they do that made you call in your friends' help and kill your parents?"

"Oh, you wouldn't understand," Hayden answered, turning around slowly. His face had darkened and in the neon lights of the hospital room he looked gaunt and grey. "Have you ever thought about the perfect murder, Captain? Ever investigate a crime you knew you couldn't solve?"

"There is no such thing as the perfect murder," Sharon countered softly. "There is always a trace…." She looked down at Hayden's hands. They had given him away. The trace evidence left behind after firing a gun. "Like the gunshot residue on your hands, Hayden."

"They have it too," Hayden laughed. It sounded manic. "Don't you get it? They'll never be able to prove who shot them."

Sharon shifted a little as reality set in. She clenched her fists in her lap but never took her eyes off Hayden. A single second of being distracted could change everything. "You all pulled the trigger." She released her breath. "That was why there were two bullets in their heads. Each of you fired a shot so you would all have gun powder on your hands. She narrowed her eyes. "Did you fire the fourth shot? They were your parents after all?"

"Stupid idiots never even saw it coming," Hayden shook his head. "All they ever saw was their picture perfect life." He continued pacing. Sharon could feel the anger radiate from his body. "They never saw me. I could have died and no one would have noticed." The hollow chuckle that followed those words was bone chilling. "Well they saw me when I pulled a gun on them! And they fucking pleaded for their lives. My dad even cried. Can you believe it? The pathetic bastard cried!"

"David Ruiz helped you," Sharon stated. "But there was another boy in the car. Who is he?"

"Thomas Livingstone. And you'll never find him. His mother is Canadian and he has dual nationality." Hayden smirked. "He caught a flight to Vancouver two hours ago. Next stop… Berlin."

"You've given this some serious thought," Provenza concluded. "But there's one thing I don't understand." Hayden turned to look at him. "Why?"

Ice cold eyes fixed on the two cops sitting on the floor and Hayden pursed his lips. "Why not?"

The sound of loud voices outside startled Sharon and she watched as Hayden sprinted to the door, gun raised. She scrambled to her feet but kept her hands up. Moments later she heard Amy's voice from the other side.

"Captain, SWAT is here!"

Sharon took a hesitant step towards Hayden, sensed the change in his demeanour before she could see his eyes. She reached out a hand and noticed how her fingers were trembling. "Hayden?"

He spun around and Sharon found herself staring down the barrel of his gun. Her heart pounded in her chest and the adrenaline rushed through her veins. This was the moment where she realised that doing this could cost her everything. It could cost her children a life with their mother. She had walked into this room without regard for her own life but because she had wanted to save someone else's. And now she stared death in the eye. She kept her hands up, her eyes wide and made sure to speak softly and slowly but there was an urgency to her voice still.

"Hayden, when SWAT comes into this room, the only aim they have is to take you down. They don't care how. They will come in to make sure Lieutenant Provenza and I are safe. They won't bother with hostage negotiations or anything like that." Green eyes held Hayden's. "They will shoot to kill. Surrender and no one has to get hurt."

"Surrender?" Hayden looked at Sharon as if she'd lost her mind. "Surrender was never part of the plan." He looked back at the door. "None of this ever was. We were all supposed to go out together…"

A terrifying thought began to form in Sharon's head and the next few seconds seemed to feel like an eternity. She heard the raised voices outside the door, recognised the sound of heavy boots on the floor as the SWAT team approached. Someone shouted and it was followed by more yelling. She only realised it was her own voice calling Hayden's name when Provenza grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back. In that moment her life lay in his hands and he acted on it. For the longest second Sharon still stared down the barrel of Hayden's gun but then she watched helplessly as he turned the weapon on himself.

"Hayden, wait!" Sharon pleaded and extended her hand even though she couldn't reach the boy. Her green eyes widened and she felt the wave of panic and fear. She couldn't let him do this. He was only a child. He was also a monster but it didn't change the fact he was barely sixteen. She couldn't let a sixteen year old take his own life like this.

"There was never going to be a better answer," Hayden slowly said. "There was only ever going to be one way this could end." He held Sharon's gaze for another moment and she felt as if she was staring into the darkest depths of the boy's soul. "You lost, Captain."

"No!" Sharon yelled. Her voice was raw. "Wait… Don't…"

"Wait? Wait for what?" Hayden chuckled. His finger seemed to relax for just a second around the trigger but then his grip tightened again. "There's nothing left to wait for. You lost. I won."

The smile he sent her just before he pulled the trigger was haunting. His eyes were already dead and she knew there was nothing she could do. The length of a single heartbeat passed and Sharon gasped for air when she felt the warm spray of blood on her face seconds after the shot rang out.

~()~

It was three in the morning and she couldn't stop shaking. The warm water from the tap poured down the drain but she hadn't tried to wash her hands or her face yet. She'd come back to Parker Centre after giving her statement and had quietly made her way to the ladies room. Sharon stared blankly at herself in the mirror but didn't really see her own reflection, didn't see the blood that had dried on her cheeks, her forehead and her neck. All she heard in the back of her mind was the echo of a gunshot and all she saw was Hayden Jansen's lifeless body falling to the ground, the smirk still in place.

All she felt was failure. She had failed to save a boy's life. She had failed at keeping her relationship in one piece. She had failed…. And it hurt.

The longer she looked at herself in the mirror, the more distorted the image became.

Then, with a quiet sob, Sharon broke.

Her knees buckled and she grabbed hold of the sink to support herself. She cried with ugly, loud sobs, with tears that almost burnt her skin.

The door quietly opened and Sharon only realised someone else had entered when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Her head snapped up and through her tears she saw Amy's reflection in the mirror. They looked at each other for a couple of seconds before Amy very slowly turned Sharon around so she could look at her. In that moment both women were taken back to the moment several weeks earlier where Amy had followed Sharon into these same toilets and helped clean up the blood on her face after the attack in the interrogation room followed by the moment where Sharon had allowed Amy to see her bruised skin as the young detective took pictures.

The emotions overwhelmed Sharon once again and now that Amy was there, she felt her knees buckle a second time. But this time she didn't have the sink to hold on to. Instead she felt Amy's supportive, kind hands, felt the younger woman's arms slide effortlessly around her waist and Sharon clung to her then. She clung to her as if in that moment, Amy was the only person left in this world.

"Captain, is there anything I can do?" Amy asked softly. If she was taken aback or shocked by the tears or the fact that Sharon clung to her, she wasn't showing it. Instead she gently tucked a strand of hair behind Sharon's ear and patiently waited for the older woman to tell her what it was she needed.

"Thank you, Amy," Sharon managed to say. "But I think I'm…"

"If you're about to say 'fine', don't," Amy interrupted her and smiled a little, even if Sharon couldn't see. "I may not know exactly what happened in that room today but you're crying and I'm holding you in my arms. You are not fine and I am not about to let you lie to me."

Sharon swallowed. It hurt to breathe. "Thank you."

"Don't," Amy hushed softly and, once she was sure Sharon could support herself, she took a step back and reached into her pocket. She pulled out a handkerchief and when she saw Sharon look she shrugged. "Spend enough time with Provenza and the man starts to rub off on you."

Amy held the cloth under the warm water, soaking it through before gently touching Sharon's face and tenderly wiping away some of the dried blood. After a few seconds she gave Sharon the handkerchief and took another step back, aware she was still in Sharon's personal space. From her newfound distance she watched as Sharon washed the dried blood away.

"You did what you could," Amy reminded her. "We didn't know the boys made a pact to die together."

Sharon put the cloth down and stared at it. It was stained with blood. "Any word on David Ruiz?"

"They still don't know what he took," Amy sighed. "I doubt we'll know until his parents switch off the machines and they do the autopsy. If it ever comes to that."

David Ruiz had collapsed minutes after arriving at Parker Centre and had been taken to hospital where he had been declared braindead. His parents were considering switching off the life-support machines. It had become clear that the three boys had made a pact to kill Hayden's parents before committing suicide but Thomas Livingstone had gotten cold feet and fled to Canada. He was currently on his way back to Los Angeles, under close supervision. The story was tragic and Sharon felt sick just thinking about it.

She brushed her hair out of her face and straightened her spine. There was a lot to do and she hadn't slept at all. She was tired, hungry and in desperate need of a shower but right now all she could do was try and tie up the last loose ends. She smiled at Amy as she held the door for her and the two women stepped out into the hallway together. Neither spoke but silently shared a look before quietly making their way back to the Murder Room. The night wasn't over yet.


	26. Chapter 26

Sunrise had been hours ago and Sharon had lost track of time. Her body and her mind were tired. The dull ache behind her eyes was distracting and every so often she found herself shaking. The longer she looked at the paperwork in front of her, the more the words began to dance in front of her eyes. She had removed her glasses and was rubbing the bridge of her nose when the door to her office opened without the visitor knocking first.

"Sharon?"

Sharon lifted her head to find Brenda standing in front of her desk. She wore jeans and a casual light blue sweater and concern was etched across her face.

"What are you doing here?" Sharon voice was barely above a whisper and Brenda detected the distinct sound of exhaustion. .

"Provenza called," Brenda answered. "He told me what happened." Brown eyes searched Sharon's face. She saw the dark circles, the blood shot eyes. Sharon looked pale and her hair fell in messy strands down the sides of her face. "Honey, you need to go home and get some sleep. You can't keep doing this."

"I have to finish this," Sharon objected and pointed at the paperwork in front of her. She'd lost her pen and let her eyes wander aimlessly around the desk but couldn't find it. She sighed then in frustration and tears brimmed in her eyes. She covered her face with her hands and tried to calm herself with a deep breath. "There is just so much…"

Brenda circled the desk and put her hand on Sharon's shoulder. "It can wait," she reminded her. Her slender fingers tenderly massaged Sharon's tense body. "You need to go home. They guys out there…" Brenda looked up through the blinds into the Murder Room. The view was all too familiar. She could see Provenza watching her. "I'm taking you home, Sharon. No discussion."

Brenda leaned over the desk and gathered up the papers, collecting them into a neat pile. She put them in the middle of the desk, found the pen Sharon had lost and placed it on top. She then turned around to look at Sharon and gently extended her hand to help the older woman to her feet. Sharon gingerly accepted it and Brenda held Sharon's hand for a few more moments before letting go. She handed Sharon her blazer and her purse and held the office door for her.

"Ya'll should go to home too," Brenda told the members of Sharon's division. She caught Provenza's eye and smiled a little. "I know I don't work here anymore but since ya'll insist on still callin' me Chief, I might as well act like it." She let her eyes trail over each of the tired, defeated faces in the Murder Room. They all bore the obvious signs of exhaustion. "Go home. Shower. Get some sleep. Start again tomorrow. After the day ya'll have had…" She didn't finish that sentence. "Just go home."

Just before leaving the Murder Room, Brenda turned to Provenza and put a hand on his arm. He looked up at her, smiling a little.

"Thank you," Brenda said softly. "Thank you for callin' me, Lieutenant."

He just nodded. "I knew she'd listen to you."

Brenda glanced over her shoulder at Sharon. "I hope so."

"Take her home," Provenza said. "And look after her."

"I will," Brenda promised. "I will."

She walked Sharon to the elevator, her hand on the brunette's lower back. She didn't remove it when the doors opened and they silently stepped into the small confined space. The doors slid shut and from the corner of her eye Brenda watched Sharon. She looked broken and fragile and it was heart breaking to see. Sharon stared at the floor, her dark hair obscuring most of her face. She was swaying a little, her body struggling with the exhaustion, and Brenda moved her hand from Sharon's back to her arm and then let it slide down until she held her hand. Their fingers effortlessly laced together.

"I've got you," Brenda whispered just before the doors opened.

Brenda drove Sharon home and found the keys to the condo in the front pocket of Sharon's purse. She unlocked the front door, dropped the keys in the bowl where she knew Sharon kept them, and hung her blazer and purse up on the coat hook behind the door. She then instinctively guided Sharon down the hall to the bedroom and without thinking began moving around Sharon's bedroom as if she had done it countless times before.

She picked a pair of pyjamas and some simple white panties and left them on the bed. She then went into the bathroom, got out a fresh towel and switched on the shower so the water could heat up. When she walked back into the bedroom she found Sharon sitting on the end of the bed staring into space and Brenda hesitantly entered Sharon's personal space before gently cupping Sharon's cheek. Sharon looked up at her, startled, with big green eyes. Then she relaxed and let herself lean in to Brenda's touch a little. The younger woman's hand felt warm and soft against her cheek.

"You should shower. It'll help," Brenda encouraged her. Her thumb trailed down along Sharon's jaw until she reached the corner of her mouth. She pulled away then and averted her eyes. . "I'll wait here."

Without speaking Sharon stood up and walked into the en-suite. The warm water had filled the room with steam. She closed the door behind her and began to undress, leaving her clothes in a pile on the floor. Sharon stepped into the shower and groaned when she felt the heavy flow of water pound down on her shoulders. She titled her head back and the water ran down her face, rinsing away the last few traces of make-up. The longer she stood under the hot water, the more it felt like she was slowly washing away the blood left behind by Hayden Jansen too. She had washed her face after the shooting and there was no blood left on her skin but the feeling remained. She could still feel it clinging to her body.

By the time she switched the shower off, Sharon didn't remember how long she'd been in there. She dried herself off, wrapped the towel around herself and walked back into the bedroom. There she found Brenda still sitting on the bed. The blonde turned away when she saw Sharon come in and watched as she picked up her clothing and turned to get dressed in the bathroom, before returning to the bedroom and placing a towel over the pillow so that she could lay down on the bed. After she lay down she rolled onto her side and tucked her feet under the comforter. From where she sat Brenda watched Sharon for a few moments. She seemed peaceful, her face void of make-up and her eyes closed.

Brenda slowly stood up, circled the bed and lay down too, on her side facing Sharon. There were a few inches between them and she was struck by the intimacy of the position. Her breath caught in the back of her throat at the realisation she was this close to Sharon, in bed, and yet there was still so much distance between them. In the low light of the bedroom Sharon looked younger than her years and Brenda resisted the urge to reach out and tuck a strand of wet hair behind her ear.

Sharon's eyes opened slowly and Brenda was momentarily mesmerised by their depth; they were so beautifully green and carried so much emotion, it almost made her heart ache. She smiled a little when she noticed Sharon was smiling too. For a moment she longed to be able to wake up to this sight every single day but she quickly forced the thought to the back of her mind.

"Hey," she said instead. If Sharon minded Brenda being on the bed with her, she didn't say anything. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," Sharon admitted.

"You've been awake for over twenty-four hours. You're supposed to be tired."

Something changed in Sharon's face, Brenda could see the memory appear in her eyes. Her face changed into a mask of pain and hurt and Brenda tentatively reached out, touching Sharon's hand. It was warm. Sharon didn't pull away and Brenda didn't either.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

For a moment she thought Sharon was going to say no but then she felt the brunette's fingers tense underneath her hand and Brenda softly laced their fingers together, just like they had done before. Sharon slowly relaxed and when Brenda looked up into her face, she found tired green eyes looking back at her. She could see the tears and Brenda ached inside.

"This boy…" Sharon's voice was soft and Brenda could hear the hurt. "He was only sixteen. Sixteen! And what he did…. There are no words. But he was only a child…" She swallowed. Until now she had not allowed these thoughts to enter her mind for more than a fleeting second but now, in the safety of her bedroom, she dared to brave them. "He was no older than Rusty when he first came into our lives…"

Brenda would never forget that day. Rust had been so damaged and broken as well as angry. To this day she still struggled with the knowledge of what he had been through. "But Rusty made a different choice, Sharon. He made a better one because he had you." Her brown eyes searched Sharon's face. "Provenza told me what happened in that room."

Sharon flinched for just a second. She could still hear the echo of the gunshot, could still see the deranged smirk on Hayden Jansen's face. His words "You lost" still resounded in her head.

"You did what you could," Brenda whispered. Her thumb now drew small circles on the back of Sharon's hand. Somehow their bodies had moved closer towards each other on the bed. Sharon's knee was touching hers now. "He had a plan and he was going to stick to it no matter what. You couldn't have known. You did nothing wrong, Sharon."

Sharon swallowed. "Then why does it feel like I've failed?"

Brenda's mind drifted back to the day a young man shot himself in an interview room. For days she'd heard her own raw voice shout "KYLE!" just before the shot rang out. For days she had wondered where she had gone wrong. She understood, maybe better than anyone, the way Sharon felt right now and she also knew that her words of encouragement and support would just fade in the turmoil of Sharon's thoughts. But it wasn't going to stop her from being here, from supporting Sharon when she needed her. Because facing this alone… Brenda wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Slowly Brenda pulled back her hand and moved away from Sharon a little. "You should try and get some sleep."

She got off the bed and headed for the door. When she turned around she found Sharon had pulled the comforter completely over herself. Her eyes were closed and Brenda watched for a few more seconds before quietly exiting the bedroom and closing the door behind her.

Brenda made her way to the condo's living room. There was an empty glass on the table, probably Rusty's, and she picked it up and put it in the dish washer. She found a dirty plate in the sink and put that in too, then wiped down the counters and put a few things back in their place before opening the cupboards to see if there was anything she could use to make lunch. She had just found some bread when she heard the front door open followed by the sound of a bag being dropped.

"Rusty?" she called and walked into the hallway to find him shrugging himself out of his jacket.

He looked up in surprise when he saw Brenda. "What are you doing here?"

"It's nice to see you too," she grinned.

"Sorry. I… I just wasn't expecting you. Is everything ok?" He spotted Sharon's keys in the bowl by the door. "Did something happen?"

"She's fine," Brenda reassured him. "But she's very tired. She was awake all night and had a traumatic case. She's asleep."

Rusty just nodded and averted his eyes. "Oh."

Brenda frowned. "Oh? That's it?"

"What else am I supposed to say?" Rusty looked up and Brenda could see there was something he was holding back. She sensed the shift in his attitude. He had never quite responded to her like this before. Not since that time in her kitchen anyway.

"What's going on?" she wanted to know.

Rusty's eyes drifted down the hall and lingered on the door to Sharon's bedroom. He sighed. "We had a fight after she came home from your place." There was a hint of bitterness in his voice and he tucked his sleeves down over his hands. It was his classic sign of nerves. "She was mad because I didn't tell her about Andy."

"I think I can understand that," Brenda answered, causing to Rusty to shoot her a dark look. "Hey, I'm not sayin' you did the right or wrong thing here but this situation… It's complicated and she never should have found out the way she did. I'm sayin' I understand why she is hurt, Rusty. And I think you need to as well."

"She would never have believed me if I'd just straight up told her Andy had cheated on her," Rusty countered. He stepped past Brenda and walked into the living room before falling down on the couch. Brenda sat down in one of the arm chairs and folded her hands in her lap.

"Maybe," Brenda replied. "But you'll never know now and I think that's the hardest thing for Sharon to grasp at the moment. She's struggling."

Rusty fell back into the pillows and stared at the ceiling. "I messed up, didn't I?"

"You tried doin' the right thing with the right intentions," Brenda offered. "But sometimes things don't go the way we planned." She tucked a curl behind her ear and studied the young man on the couch, remembering what Sharon had said earlier. "So, where did you go? It's 10 in the morning and you just came home."

"Gus' place," Rusty answered. He didn't look at Brenda. "I… I needed a bit of space but I didn't know Sharon wouldn't be home."

It was the answer Brenda had expected. What she had not expected was to hear Rusty call Sharon by her name instead of 'Mom'. She wanted to ask but she could tell Rusty didn't want to talk so she let it go.

"Do you have class today?"

"Nope. Some kind of training day for our professors so no class."

Brenda chewed her lip and for a few moments there was only silence between them. She wanted to change Rusty's mood and lift him up a bit, "So you and Gus…" Rusty looked up. "How long have you been together?"

"A few months. I don't know exactly. It just sort of… happened." Rusty shyly smiled. "If that makes sense."

"Perfect sense," Brenda smiled too. "Is he your first boyfriend?"

Rusty nodded. "It took me a while to accept that I'm gay. I… I think I spent a long time pushing it away but then a moment came where I couldn't anymore."

Realising just how much this conversation resonated with her, Brenda shifted in her seat and picked at her nails. "Yeah," she answered quietly without looking up. "I know how that feels."

Rusty sat up a little and looked at her. He furrowed his brow as he watched Brenda for a few moments, noticing the way she didn't make eye contact. "What do you mean?" he carefully asked, suddenly feeling like the conversation between him and Brenda had changed significantly.

"My divorce from Fritz… I spent too long hiding who I really am." Brenda looked up, the faintest hint of a smile on her lips. Her eyes were wide and she looked a little nervous. "I spent most of my life denying my sexuality. A lot longer than you…"

Rusty's jaw dropped when he realised what Brenda was trying to say. "You're gay?!"

Brenda smiled openly now, a sense of relief washing over her. It had been a very long time since she'd shared this secret with anyone. Gavin had been the last person she told and that had been some time ago. She'd gotten so used to keeping it to herself that sharing it felt like she was breaking down a little bit of the wall she had built around herself.

"Yes, Rusty. I'm gay."

"Oh my God…" Rusty just stared at her. "I did not see that coming… Does Sharon know?"

Brenda shook her head. "Sharon doesn't know."

"Why not?"

"It never came up."

"She is hardly going to have a problem with it," Rusty snorted. "Gees, she's been around Gavin, Doctor Morales, Doctor Joe and me for years!"

"I never did think Sharon would care. It just never came up, that's all. I think when you get to my age, sharing something like that… People don't expect it," Brenda answered.

She couldn't tell him that in reality she was in love with Sharon. It wasn't something he needed to know and she certainly didn't consider burdening him with that information. But it felt good to share at least some of her secret with him, to have someone understand at least a little of what it was like.

"So, are you seeing anyone?" Rusty wanted to know. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

"No," Brenda answered. "I don't."

"Wait, isn't your brother gay?" Rusty remembered. "The one who lives in New York?"

Brenda nodded. "Yeah. They've been together for a long time." She smiled. "He knows. And he always resented my choice not to tell anyone. We stopped talking for a while after I got married the first time and again when I met Fritz. He couldn't understand why I would deny myself like that but his relationship with our parents was never quite like mine."

Rusty thought back to some of the insults his own mother had thrown at him even before he came out. "Yeah, parents can be a difficult one. My mom, my biological mom, needed some time but she's fine now."

"My Mama never knew. I don't think she would have understood. It's probably a generational thing as well as a Southern thing. They still called Jimmy's partner Frank "his friend" even after twenty years. They just didn't understand." She shook her head. "That's not to say she would have minded but I think I would have spent the rest of my time explainin' it to her."

"I think she would have been happy for you," Rusty smiled. "I know I never met her but from what you and Sharon have told me…"

Brenda sat up a little. "Sharon talked about my Mama?"

"Only a few times. Something to do with a Christmas party at the office? She helped her cook?" Rusty said and Brenda grinned. She and Sharon had been more like enemies than friends at that stage but she cherished the memory all the same. "I think she liked her."

"Mama liked Sharon too," Brenda confessed, remembering the handful of occasions where Willie Rae had asked after 'her friend Captain Sharon.' She wondered if Willie Rae would have approved of Sharon as anything other than her friend but she pushed that thought away. She didn't have to torment herself like that.

She wanted to ask Rusty why he was calling Sharon by her first name but then she remembered what he had said about the fight and she kept quiet. Whatever had happened between them, it had clearly affected them both and Brenda wondered what it would take to fix it. She continued to watch Rusty, the way he fiddled with his sleeves.

~()~

She heard the scream. Her scream. And then the shot…

Sharon's eyes snapped open and she stared up into the darkness of her bedroom. The sheets had slipped away and she felt cold. She sat up, adrenaline pumping in her veins as her mind played the scenes of Hayden shooting himself over and over in her head.

Sharon slipped out of bed, picked her robe off the back of the door and slipped it on, before leaving the bedroom and walking down the hall to the living room. She could hear voices before she came around the corner and then found Brenda and Rusty sitting in the living room, talking. Rusty's arm was draped over the back of the couch, Brenda had pulled her knees up into the arm chair. They both seemed very comfortable. She caught the last bit of Brenda's sentence.

"…..and I think she blames herself for what happened yesterday."

"That is because it _is_ my fault."

Brenda's head snapped up and her eyes widened when she saw Sharon standing in the living room. She looked pale and tired, with dark circles under her eyes. Her shoulders had dropped. Brenda noticed she was not wearing her glasses. The difference it made to Sharon's features was startling. The absence of the glasses made Sharon look a little harsh and Brenda needed a few seconds to get used to the image, even though she had seen Sharon like this before. At the same time it was also a reminder that Sharon's mind was clearly preoccupied as she very rarely abandoned her glasses.

"Sharon." Brenda stood up. "Honey, you should be asleep."

"I tried," Sharon answered. "It didn't really happen." Her eyes drifted to Rusty. He wasn't looking at her and seemed overly interested in the TV remote instead.

Brenda watched the silent exchange. For a second she caught a glimpse of the scared, angry sixteen year old boy that had come into their lives years ago but when she looked at Sharon she was met by distant green eyes.

"I was just tryin' to explain to Rusty what happened last night," Brenda tried to find a way to break the tension between the other two people in the room.

"I don't want to talk about it," Sharon cut her off and Rusty chose that moment to look up. Their eyes met briefly. "About any of it."

Rusty stood up, grabbed his phone off the couch's arm rest and glanced at Brenda. "I'll be in my room." He moved past Sharon without saying anything else. Moments later, the two women heard his bedroom door close with a bang that was a little louder than necessary.

"You're going to have to talk to him. He doesn't understand," Brenda said softly when Sharon sank down onto the couch on the opposite side of where Rusty had been sitting. Brenda sat down next to her and their knees touched for the shortest of moments.

"I don't understand why he chose to lie to me. And I said I don't want to talk about it," Sharon snapped.

"Ok," Brenda conceded, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. She reached down to reach into her bag and pulled out a simple white box with a silver ribbon. "I was just going to leave this here for you to find when you woke up but I think you could use the smile right now."

Sharon took the box and gently removed the ribbon before lifting the lid. There, on white paper, lay a delicate set of silver wind chimes. Sharon reached to pick them up when she saw the little card tucked underneath. She recognised Brenda's handwriting. She had to squint to read the messages and frustration bubbled up in the pit of her stomach. Without her glasses the words were blurred and she had to bring the card up closer to her face to make them out.

_"Some people believe that when you hang chimes after someone has passed away, their spirit will float by and cause the chimes to twinkle. May the twinkle be a reminder of all the wonderful things you cherished about Anne. With love, Brenda."_

She slowly put the box down on the table and looked at Brenda. The rush of emotions that followed reading the card was powerful and she swallowed in an attempt to shift the lump in her throat. Brenda could see the mix of emotions flash behind Sharon's eyes as the older woman desperately tried to make sense of what she was feeling. She resisted reaching out and touching Sharon's hand instead choosing to wait quietly for Sharon to find the strength to speak.

Sharon's mind was a blur of thoughts and feelings. Brenda had been so thoughtful and kind… She had been a constant fibre in her life in recent weeks and Sharon had gotten used to having her around, to sharing everything with her. Earlier she had even shared her bed, albeit for a little while. Brenda brought something to her life she hadn't felt in a long time, not even with Andy.

That last thought startled her and Sharon clutched the note a little tighter. The rush of emotions that welled up inside her, the realisation that she wanted Brenda to both stay and go, realising she needed her… It wasn't something she could deal with right now and she bit down on her lip until she could taste blood.

"Thank you," she said coolly once she had regained control. Sharon pushed down the overwhelming urge to cry and instead her features hardened. She couldn't deal with the emotions right now. She was too tired and she didn't trust herself to handle them. "They're beautiful."

Sensing Sharon didn't want to talk to her, let alone share the same space with anyone, Brenda stood up and nervously wiped her hands along her clothes, "I'll leave you to it. If there is anything you need, call me, OK?"

She tried not to feel hurt, and mostly she wasn't, but seeing Sharon hurting, hurt her too.

Sharon didn't answer, stared into the distance instead and Brenda picked up her bag. Without saying anything else, the blonde left the condo and the door fell into its lock with a hollow sounding click.

Sharon spent a while longer sitting in the living room before getting up and going to the kitchen. She went to switch on the kettle and noticed her favourite cup and flavour tea already out on the counter. She looked at it for a moment… It had to have been Brenda. Sighing heavily, Sharon switched the kettle on and waited for the water to boil. She then made the tea, leaving the tea bag to brew for a couple of minutes, and carried the cup back to the bedroom. She glanced at Rusty's closed door and with a tight feeling in her stomach, closed her own door behind her and put the cup on the bedside table.

She took off the robe and left it on the end of the bed. She got under the sheets and rested back into the pillows. Her body ached and her mind was tired. But every time she closed her eyes, she saw Hayden Jansen. The shot continued to echo in her head. She could still feel the warm spray of blood across her face, could still smell the faint scent of gun powder in the air.

By the time she'd drunk half the cup of tea, Sharon's eyes again became heavy and she curled up on her side, the covers pulled tightly over her. When she closed her eyes, Hayden's face blurred into Andy's and in the distance she could hear Provenza's voice. Then she saw and heard Rusty and from the background Brenda was watching, her arms folded and with disapproval in her eyes. And then Sharon slipped into a deeper sleep where, for a while at least, only darkness lingered.

~()~

The first thing Rusty heard was the sound of something breaking. The next thing he heard was someone crying and he jumped to his feet, bolted to the door and sprinted down the hall to Sharon's bedroom. The door was closed and he didn't wait to knock but opened it straight away. On the floor by the side of the bed lay the pieces of broken tea cup. The carpet was damp and he could smell the faint hint of tea as he dropped to his knees alongside the bed and extended his hand to touch Sharon. She was in the middle of the bed, the sheets tightly wrapped around her, and she hadn't heard him come in.

Sharon lay on her side, her back turned towards Rusty, but he could see she was twitching. She lashed out when she felt his touch, turned her head and he saw her eyes were open but he knew she couldn't see him. Not yet. Her breathing was laboured and her skin clammy and cold to the touch. Rusty tightened his grip a little, squeezing softly to slowly remind Sharon that he was there.

"Hey, I'm right here, Mom," he soothed and used his other hand to brush some hair out of his mother's face. Sharon followed his hand with her eyes and he knew he had her attention. "I'm right here. It's only a dream…." The words lingered in the space between them as Sharon stared up at him with bleary eyes. "A nightmare. But it's over now. I'm here."

Rusty reached for his mother's glasses and gave them to her. Sharon put them on, her hands still shaking, and she looked around the room as if to remind herself where she was and that the images and voices in her head were not real. Then she slowly sat up and her eyes drifted back to Rusty; she remembered what had happened earlier, yet here he was, on his knees beside the bed holding her hand. Something in her chest ached.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Rusty carefully inquired as he got up and went to sit on the bed. Sharon shifted a little to make room for him and shook her head. Some things he didn't need to know.

"There isn't much to say. It's been a terrible few days and…." Her voice faltered. "A sixteen year old boy killed himself right in front of me after confessing he killed his parents. To the outside world they seemed like the perfect family but behind closed doors there were so many secrets…"

She looked at Rusty. She couldn't bring herself to tell him that it was his face she had seen in her dream. That the gun had been placed against his head and she had heard her own raw, terrified scream as she begged him not to do this. But he had stared at her, had laughed at her, and pulled the trigger. It had been his blood she'd felt land on her face and now that she woke up and felt the wetness on her cheeks, she realised they were tears.

Rusty swallowed, the impact of the words Sharon had just said not lost on him. "Sharon…"

She shuddered at his use of her name. She wanted him to call her 'mom'. She wanted him to undo what had been done, wanted things to go back to how they were. Seeing him sitting on the bed, unharmed, and looking up into his eyes was almost frightening after what she had witnessed in the dream. She wanted to hold his hand a moment longer, hold it a little tighter, and remind herself and him that they were going to be alright.

"I'm so, so sorry…."

"I don't want to talk about it now," Sharon quietly answered but looked up at her son anyway. She saw the fear and the concern in his eyes; the worry that he had somehow broken them beyond repair. She had done nothing to ease that worry and she felt guilty but she didn't have the emotional strength to deal with it right now, no matter how badly she wanted to feel his comfort right now. Tomorrow she would but right now…

"In the spirit of honesty I want you to know that I've arranged to meet up with Sophie again," Rusty blurted and felt Sharon's hand twitch under his. He knew the timing wasn't right but he couldn't keep secrets from her any longer. Lies had already done enough damage.

"I would really like you to come too and meet her," he added. "And I know she wants to meet you too."

"Rusty…"

"I know this isn't the right moment but I didn't want to lie to you anymore," Rusty continued. He saw the way Sharon's eyes seemed to dart around the room, almost as if she was seeking some kind of escape when she knew there wasn't one. "It's tomorrow and I really want you…"

"We should talk about this another time," Sharon interrupted him and there was a sharpness to her voice that surprised them both. She pulled her hand out from underneath Rusty's and dropped it in her lap before breaking eye contact. Her face fell. She had wanted him to comfort her and he had come to her when she needed him and yet he had added to the pain and turmoil she already felt.

"I can't do this right now." She swallowed and tasted the tears in the back of her throat. They had a bitter aftertaste. Something in her chest felt heavy. She couldn't bring herself to look at him anymore. They had found their way back to each other for the briefest of moments and now they were drifting apart again, like ships in the night.

"Thank you for coming in but maybe… Maybe you should go now."

Without speaking Rusty stood up, picked up the broken pieces of the cup and clutched them in his hand before leaving the bedroom. He hesitated before closing the door, choosing not to shut it completely, just in case, and silently made his way down the hall and to the kitchen where he dropped the broken shards into the trash and stared at them for a few moments. Then the lid closed and Rusty went back to his bedroom, leaving the door open so that he could hear Sharon in case she needed him.

Hours later, when darkness was falling and millions of lights flickered across the Los Angeles skyline, Sharon walked into the dark living room, her feet bare and enjoying the cold feel of the wooden floor against her skin. She had slept for a few hours after the nightmare and although her dreams were restless, they had allowed her to sleep.

She wrapped her robe a little tighter around herself when she felt the cool gust of air that came through the living room window that was maybe an inch open. She was about to head to the kitchen when she heard the soft twinkling sound and froze.

The sound repeated itself a few seconds later and Sharon turned in the direction of the window. There, hanging off a little hook, were the silver wind chimes Brenda had given her, moving slightly as the cool evening breeze filled the room. Sharon watched them for a moment, listened for another twinkle but none came, and then she turned around and made her way down to Rusty's room. The door was still wide open and he was lying on his bed but looked up when he saw her shadow in the doorway. They shared a look.

"Thank you," Sharon whispered. "For doing that."

Rusty just smiled and Sharon lingered for a moment longer before turning around and heading back to her own bedroom. She heard the wind chimes again just as she opened the door and for the first time since coming home, she smiled to herself.

Perhaps things weren't all that broken after all.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are so sorry for the long delay. A lot is happening in both our lives and writing got pushed to the background. We've tried to get back to it all and work in advance a little so there shouldn't be as long a delay between the following chapters. Thank you all for your patience and your reviews!

She had given statements before. It wasn't a new thing. She had stood in front of judges, had stared down the nastiest of defence attorneys and taken confessions from the most depraved suspects. But something about today's statement was different. Being forced to relive the events that took place inside that hospital room, having to recount every word and every action, felt daunting and soul destroying and that morning when Sharon stood in front of her wardrobe, she selected an outfit that was almost entirely black simply because she felt she wanted to both disappear and overpower.

Closing the door to her wardrobe, Sharon looked at her own reflection in the full length mirror on the door. The tailored black pants hugged her body in all the right places. She wore her most expensive black blazer and a dark purple blouse. Her hair fell down her shoulders in thick, delicate waves and she ran her finger along her lips to make sure her dark red lipstick hadn't smudged, then picked up her bag and left the bedroom.

She met Rusty in the kitchen and sensed he was waiting for her to say something first. There was a lot she wanted to say but Sharon chose to only focus on the thing she knew mattered to him the most. After pouring herself a cup of coffee she turned to him and said, "The reason why I can't come and meet Sophie with you today is not because I don't want to but because I have to give a statement about the shooting and it'll more than likely take most of the day."

Some of the tension that had been lingering in the air slowly vanished and Sharon felt she regained the ability to breathe a little.

Rusty nodded. He seemed relieved. "I know I should have told you sooner…"

"You should have," Sharon deadpanned, causing Rusty to flinch a little. "But we can't change it now."

"I understand."

"Good." Sharon checked her watch and realised she wouldn't have time to drink her coffee so poured it into her travel cup instead, gave Rusty a simple three finger wave – which was a change from the usual kiss goodbye she gave him- and hurried to the front door. She took her keys from the bowl where Brenda had left them the day before, checked her pockets for her phone and saw two text messages from Brenda. She opened them. Both had been sent last night.

Hey, just making sure you're okay. I really hope you're sleeping. The next one was sent an hour later. I assume you're sleeping because you're not answering. I'll call you tomorrow.

Clutching her phone, keys and travel cup in her hands, Sharon stepped out of the condo and was about to close the door when a feeling of guilt washed over her. She remembered Rusty sitting on his knees next to her bed the night before, holding her hand and picking up the pieces of the broken tea cup. She flinched when she replayed their conversation from moments earlier in her head and she turned on her heel and stepped back inside the condo. Hearing her come back inside, Rusty came walking into the hallway in surprise.

"Did you forget something?"

"Yes," Sharon answered. "Yes, I did."

She leaned in and kissed her son on the cheek before running her fingers down his arm. As she stepped back she caught his eye and saw the emotions flashing through them. She felt them too. She held his hand for a moment and then let go.

"Thank you for last night," she said softly and continued to hold Rusty's eyes. "We'll talk tonight."

Rusty followed her to the door and watched Sharon walk down the hall to the elevator. She turned around just before stepping inside and waved. When the doors closed she let out a sigh and her head fell back a little. How had her life ended up being this turned upside down? It felt like she had just woken up one morning and nothing was like it had once been and she was left to navigate the stormy waters with no idea of where she was going.

Sharon got in her car and left the parking lot of her building and drove to Parker Centre. By the time she arrived she had finished her coffee and was feeling restless. She had played the events of the shooting over and over in her head so many times, she felt she could draw a perfect picture but at the same time it felt like what she was remembering was incomplete somehow. She noticed her hands were shaking when she walked into the building and she pushed them into her pockets when she got on the elevator and pressed the button for the seventh floor.

Moments later she stepped out into the familiar hallway of Internal Affairs. For years she had walked these corridors and she had been back here a handful of times since taking over Major Crimes. Starting down the long hallway that led towards the interview rooms, Sharon felt her heart pound in her throat. It felt so different from all the occasions where she had been the one doing the interviews. She had changed a lot from the woman who had run this Division years ago. As she reached the interview rooms and saw the two detectives waiting outside, she realised that almost all of that change was down to Brenda coming into her life.

Brenda, the thorn in her side during her last couple of years in IA. Brenda, whose departure had led to her taking over Major Crimes. Brenda, who had been the one to find Rusty and therefore brought him into Sharon's life. Brenda…. So much of it all seemed to come back to her.

"Captain?"

Sharon looked up when she heard someone talk to her and she flashed a smile. "Detective."

"Good morning," the Detective smiled. Sharon didn't know his name. He had to have joined IA after she left. He was tall, with brown hair and hazel eyes. His suit looked expensive, Italian probably, and Sharon saw the shiny gold wedding band.

"We're almost ready. Just take a seat here. Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee?"

"Just water, please," Sharon answered and watched as the detective and she assumed his partner disappeared. She sat down on one of the chairs lined up against the wall, crossed her ankles and folded her hands in her lap.

The sound of footsteps approaching made her look up and she saw Provenza come around the corner. When he saw Sharon, the Lieutenant increased his pace and sat down next to her a few moments later. For a couple of seconds, neither of them said anything. Sharon wondered if he had been replaying the events in his head too.

"How are you feeling, Lieutenant?" she carefully inquired.

"Like a lamb going for slaughter," Provenza growled. "But it needs to be done…" He looked down the corridor in the direction of the IA squad room. "I've always hated this place." He briefly caught Sharon's eye and she gave him a bemused smirk. He shrugged. "No offence."

His features softened then. "How are you?"

"I've had better days. Better weeks, actually," Sharon answered.

"I'll say…"

Sharon gave Provenza a sideways glance. He looked tired, she thought. The last few days had left their mark on him too. "Did you sleep?"

"Did you?" he retorted and he gave her a knowing look. The moments' silence between them said more than a hundred words. "I just want to get this over with."

Sharon had to agree with that. Giving statements was a necessary thing but it meant reliving the events when really she just wanted to find a way to move on. She looked down at her hands and just as she was about to speak, the two detectives she had seen earlier returned. The one who had spoken to her carried a bottle of water and a plastic cup and gave it to her. The other one, who seemed to be about ten years younger, asked Provenza if he wanted anything but he declined.

"Captain, if you'll come with me," the older Detective said and Sharon rose to her feet. "Lieutenant, someone will be with you shortly."

Sharon followed the two men into the interview room. Nothing had changed. The walls were still grey, the table still metal and the chairs still uncomfortable. A tape recorder stood on the table and Sharon glanced to the corner of the room. The red light on the camera was blinking. She put the thought of someone she couldn't see watching her out of her head and gracefully sat down at the table.

The younger detective pressed the record button on the tape recorder. "Today is Thursday, April sixteenth. The time is nine eleven am. Detectives Atwell and Beckett interviewing Captain Sharon Raydor, Major Crimes Division." He then looked up at Sharon and gave her an encouraging smile. "Captain, please, tell us what happened…"

~()~

Sharon closed the door to the interview room behind her and sucked in several deep breaths of air. Her lungs expanded eagerly and she supported herself with her hand against the wall. She felt dizzy and tired and in desperate need for some real fresh air. She was about to walk down the hall when she heard Provenza's voice behind her.

"Captain!"

She turned around. "Lieutenant, how did it go?"

"How does any IA investigation go?" Provenza replied.

Sharon had to agree with him. She had done countless interviews like this one herself and it had been a very long time since she had been on the other side. She heard the door open again and turned around to see Beckett and Atwell appear. Beckett spotted Sharon and Provenza and nudged his partner. The two of them then approached.

"Captain, we've got a couple more questions," Detective Beckett said. He eyed up Provenza. "You can stay, Lieutenant. You may be able to help."

"Help?" Provenza raised an eyebrow. "Help with what?"

Beckett looked down at the notebook in his hand. "When Hayden Jansen shot himself, where did he place the gun?"

"Against his temple."

"Under his chin."

Sharon and Provenza answered simultaneously and then looked at each other, shocked by the fact their answers differed. Sharon frowned, suddenly questioning herself, and she tried to call the image back up in her mind. To her shock, nothing came. She tried and tried but she couldn't see Hayden Jansen. She just heard the echo of the shot.

"What happened?" Sharon wondered and Provenza put a hand on her arm.

"Sometimes, when people experience something traumatic, their brain shuts down and some events become blurred." Provenza held Sharon's eyes. This moment took him back to a memory from years ago when Brenda had been in a car that had been fired upon and insisted there had only been five or six shots when in reality there had been closer to twenty. But her brain hadn't been able to comprehend it during and shortly after the events and it seemed that Sharon's brain was experiencing something similar.

"You're saying I can't remember?" Sharon questioned.

"Consider it your brain's way of protecting you," Detective Atwell explained. "We knew you weren't lying, Captain. But we also knew that your statement didn't correspond with the preliminary autopsy report." He looked at Sharon. "What you went through… When is your meeting with the psychiatrist?"

"Tomorrow," Sharon answered reluctantly. She wasn't exactly looking forward to it but she knew it was standard procedure for every police officer who had faced trauma to see the psychiatrist at least once.

Beckett nodded and extended his hand. Sharon shook it and then shook Atwell's too. She and Provenza made their way down the corridor and Provenza pressed the button for the elevator. As they stepped inside, he gave the Captain a sideways glance.

"You should go home, Sharon."

"And do what?" she retorted. "The place will just be quiet. Rusty is meeting Sophie again today and…"

Provenza raised an eyebrow. "He's meeting her today?"

Sharon nodded. She felt a sharp sting in her chest. "He only told me last night."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Provenza didn't ask any further. Instead, when the elevator doors opened and they walked into the lobby, he quietly escorted Sharon to the building's exit and watched as she stepped outside and eventually disappeared out of sight. He really hoped she would go home.

When he returned to the Murder Room half an hour later, after having visited his favourite coffee shop and getting a double espresso to go, Provenza wasn't surprised to see Sharon had ignored his advice and their eyes met when he walked in. She didn't say anything and neither did he.

~()~

The park where Rusty had suggested they'd meet was quiet and as he and Gus approached the little picnic area by the duck pond, he looked around to see if Sophie was already there. All the seats were still empty and he sighed in relief. Somehow getting here before she did made him feel better. He looked down at Gus' hand linked with his and Gus gave it a soft squeeze. Their eyes met.

"Nervous?" he asked.

Rusty nodded. His stomach tightened but it wasn't as bad as it had been the first time and he didn't feel like he wanted to throw up. He knew what to expect now. "A little." He swallowed. "I'm glad you came with me."

"Me too. But I do wish you had left things on better terms with your mother."

"Sharon made it very clear she didn't want to talk about it. She has a lot going on today and I… I didn't want to mess it up," Rusty replied and sat down on one of the picnic benches. He looked at the sun reflecting off the water. A couple of swans were swimming not far from the edge. His face turned somewhat dark as the next thought left his mouth.

"I don't really think she wants this anyway. Meeting Sophie, I mean."

"Rusty, you know that's not true. Like you said, she has a lot going on right now and the last few weeks haven't been easy for her. Everything she knew has changed," Gus reminded him. "Some days I'm surprised she's still standing."

"It does make me feel bad," Rusty confessed. He raised his eyes to the sky. It was blue with only a few clouds. He could feel the warmth of the early afternoon sun in the back of his neck. "All of this…. So much of it feels like it's my fault." He shrugged. "I wish I'd never borrowed Andy's car."

"And have him cheat on her for longer?" Gus retorted and Rusty looked up. "Because that's what would have happened. And imagine if she found out weeks or months down the line… That would have been even more horrific." He went to sit next to Rusty and put his hand on Rusty's knee. The touch was comforting. "It happened the way it was supposed to and the wounds will heal."

"I hope so," Rusty sighed. "I really hope so."

They sat side by side and watched the swans swim around in the pond. Minutes ticked by and after a little while, Rusty heard footsteps. He looked over his shoulder and smiled when he saw Sophie approach. She wore a white skirt and a light pink long sleeved shirt complimented by a long silver necklace with a knot in it. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she had just removed her sunglasses. When she saw Rusty look at her she waved and he stood up.

A moment's hesitation passed between them before either of them moved closer and shared a hug. Rusty smelt sweet, floral perfume. It reminded him of Brenda for some reason and he wondered if it was the same brand. When Sophie took a step back, he gestured for Gus to come over. His cheeks flushed slightly pink when Gus approached.

"Sophie, this is Gus. My boyfriend. Gus, this is Sophie. My sister."

"Nice to meet you," Sophie said and shook Gus' hand. She then looked around and Rusty could see the hint of disappointment in her face. He knew she had hoped to see Sharon and he felt a pang of guilt for not being able to make it happen. Sophie looked at him. "Your mom couldn't make it? Or Brenda?"

"Something came up at work," Rusty answered. He moved nervously from one foot onto the other. "She really wanted to be here today but… I guess I don't need to tell you what it's like."

Sophie shook her head. "I understand."

"Do you want to go get a drink? There is a little café further up," Rusty suggested.

The three of them followed the path around the corner, passing a family sitting in the grass with their puppy. Rusty noticed the longing glance Gus shot in the family's direction and was briefly reminded of how neither of them had really known the meaning of family growing up. His eyes then drifted to Sophie. Her meaning of family was different too. Where Rusty had gotten to know his mother, Sophie had always been left to wonder about her. Rusty wasn't sure which of the two was the better option.

The café was almost completely empty and they chose a table towards the back. Gus went to order their drinks at the bar and Rusty looked at Sophie. It still felt unnerving to see a younger version of their mother looking back at him and Rusty wondered if Sophie saw the same in him. There were so many things he'd wanted to say but now that he was here, words failed him. Their first meeting had felt almost effortless but this time it was different and he wondered if it was because Sophie had expected Sharon and she was disappointed she wasn't here.

"So, how has life been since our first meeting?" Sophie asked.

Rusty snorted, then grinned. "You really don't want me to answer that." He folded his hands on the table. "Can I ask you something? About our grandparents?"

"Sure."

"What did they say after you came home from our meeting?"

Sophie seemed to consider her answer for a moment. "They were curious and I think a little sad they didn't get to meet you. Because they really want to. They have so many questions and I think it'll just do them so good to know and see that you are alright."

"They don't have any contact at all with your… our… mother?" Rusty sounded unsure. "That must have been heart breaking for them."

Sophie sighed. "They don't talk about it all that much. I've tried a few times but grandma always ends up sad and I can't bare seeing her like that. She is their daughter but…." She didn't have to finish that sentence, Rusty could guess what she had been about to say.

He shared a look with Gus and clutched his hands a little tighter around the coffee cup in front of him. "So, they really want to meet me?"

"Yes," Sophie smiled and her eyes lit up. "Yes, Rusty, they do!"

~()~

When Sharon came home she wasn't surprised Rusty wasn't back yet. She left her purse on the couch and walked into the bedroom. She wanted to get changed, get out of the clothes she had worn all day, but there was something else she needed to do first. She took her phone and after hesitating a little while because the last time she'd seen Brenda things had felt a little strained, she eventually dialled her number. After two rings, the blonde former Chief answered.

Sharon's heart thudded loudly in her chest when she heard the familiar 'click' followed by Brenda's voice.

"Sharon, hi," Brenda said and Sharon could tell she sounded a little distant and reserved. She instantly felt guilty. She'd never meant for Brenda to feel uncomfortable.

"Hey," Sharon answered. "I… I meant to call you earlier but I guess…. I guess I didn't really know what to say." She swallowed. "I'm sorry about yesterday, Brenda."

She heard the change in Brenda's tone when the younger woman answered, "Sharon, you have been through hell. I'll admit I was a little hurt but by the time I'd reached the elevator all I wanted was to know that you were alright."

"I know."

"Are you? Alright, I mean?"

Sharon sighed. She wasn't entirely sure how to answer that question. "I think so…."

"How did it go today?" Brenda wanted to know. "How do you feel about it?"

"As far as statements go, I've done worse," Sharon answered. She sank down on the bed and let her fingers run through her hair. "But I messed up one of the key details and I could have kicked myself when I found out. I just…" She shook her head to the empty bedroom. "I couldn't remember."

"Our mind does that sometimes. It's almost like it's trying to protect itself," Brenda replied. A moment of silence followed. "A few years ago, when I was shot at…." Even now she still vividly remembered the sound and the feeling as the sprat of bullets had hit the car she and David Gabriel had travelled in. "Logically I knew there had to have been more than five or six shots. Far more. But when I gave my statement, I couldn't remember. It wasn't until I saw the video…"

Sharon knew the incident Brenda was referring to. They hadn't known each other back then. She'd heard of Brenda but their paths had not yet crossed but the story was a well-known one. If someone shot at a Deputy Chief, everyone knew about it. She leaned back until she rested on the pillows.

"I know that's what it is but I just felt so stupid."

"You are not stupid, Sharon. You are an intelligent woman and everyone knows that."

"Not intelligent enough to notice my boyfriend was cheating on me," Sharon sighed and stared at the ceiling. Brenda didn't answer. "Rusty went to meet with Sophie again today."

"Oh…"

Sharon guessed Rusty hadn't told her. "You didn't know?"

"No, I didn't. How do you feel about it?"

"I… I'm not sure. I said I couldn't go because of work and I think he was disappointed. But I don't want him thinking I don't want to get to know her. It's just… It's a lot. After all we have been through, this girl just shows up and she thinks she knows him somehow. And I worry that…" Sharon tried to find the right words but none came.

"That he'll get his heart broken?" Brenda finished the sentence for her. "I know what happened with his biological father. You're scared it's going to be like that again."

"Yes. Or maybe I'm not."

"Sharon, I've met Sophie. Trust me when I say she isn't out to hurt Rusty. She's as confused as he is."

"Maybe I'm scared it's going to be perfect and he's finally going to have someone who is related to him and…"

The sound of the condo's front door opening made Sharon fall silent and she sat up. She recognised Rusty's voice instantly and she guessed Gus was with him because Rusty was talking to someone. Shoes were kicked off, a bag was dropped, keys jangled as they landed in the bowl by the door. Moments later she could hear the TV being switched on.

"Rusty's home," Sharon said when Brenda asked what was going on. "I should probably go and see him. Things have been tense and I'm not quite sure where we stand."

"Go do what you need to do. I'll call you later," Brenda promised and ended the call.

Slipping the phone back in her pocket, Sharon stood up and left the bedroom. As she padded down the hall the sound of the TV blaring greeted her before she'd even made it halfway down. Why did teenagers always have to have it on so loud? She heard laughing and guessed the programme was some kind of comedy. When she rounded the corner of the living room a single glance at the TV confirmed it was an episode of The Big Bang Theory and Rusty and Gus were stretched out on the couch watching it.

"Hey," Sharon said, causing Rusty's head to whip up. His eyes widened. Clearly he had not expected her to be home already and he looked startled.

"Oh… hi."

Gus looked from Rusty to Sharon and back, sensing the sudden shift in atmosphere, and sat up. The hand that had been resting on Rusty's knee fell back into his lap. "Hey Sharon."

"Did you two have a nice afternoon?" Sharon inquired as she went to sit in the arm chair. She crossed her feet at the ankles and tried to hold Rusty's gaze. He seemed uncertain and looked away. The sharp sting in her chest reminded Sharon that it still hurt. He chose to go ahead with today's meeting despite the fact she couldn't make it and she couldn't help but feel that he had chosen his sister over her feelings.

When Rusty didn't answer his mother's question, Gus spoke instead. "It was nice," he answered. He nudged Rusty to encourage him to say something. "Sophie seems like a nice girl." Gus' brown eyes met Sharon's and she realised Rusty had to have told him what had happened. "You'd like her."

"I'm sure I would," Sharon smiled, her eyes still fixed on Rusty. "I would really like to meet her."

"You didn't want to meet her today though." It came out like an accusation and the bitterness was unmistakable. He looked at her now and Sharon could see the anger and the hurt. He resented her, she realised.

Sharon took a deep breath. She didn't like lecturing Rusty but there were moments where his stubbornness got in the way of rational thinking and this was one of those moments. After everything from recent weeks she struggled to understand why he took this tone with her, why he had chosen to pull away.

"Rusty, I told you I needed to give a statement. A sixteen year old boy shot himself in the head in front of me the night before last and Internal Affairs needed to know what happened," Sharon defended herself. The tremor in her voice betrayed she was struggling to contain her emotions when she looked at her son. "You don't really believe I didn't meet Sophie today because I don't want to get to know her?"

Rusty looked away, refused to make eye contact. His face was stoic. Sharon knew he was hurt but she also knew that his hurt was somehow misplaced but she didn't know how she could get him to understand without undermining his feelings and that was the last thing she wanted to do right now.

"You didn't try…" Rusty's voice was soft.

"Damnit, Rusty! I didn't have a choice!" Sharon had raised her voice, much to her own surprise. When she saw the way Gus' eyes darted to Rusty, she knew it had surprised both of them too. "I don't get to decide when people die, Rusty. And when I am expected to show up then I do not have a choice. Those are the rules. I had to give the statement today."

"You've bent the rules before," Rusty countered and Sharon knew he was looking for a way to justify his own anger.

"Rusty, a boy died," Gus reminded him. He could see Sharon was exasperated and exhausted. "He shot himself in front of your mom. Can you imagine what that's like?" He put his hand back on Rusty's knee. "While we were sitting in the park having a nice day, your mom got to relive that experience instead."

Rusty peered at Sharon through his eyelashes. "I just thought…. After Daniel… I thought you didn't want me to get to know my family."

"Rusty, you know full well that's not the case." Sharon's voice was brittle and laced with tears.

"Your mom didn't try and stop you from seeing Sophie," Gus reminded him,

A little reluctantly Rusty looked up and saw the sadness in Sharon's eyes. He couldn't stay angry at her anymore and it didn't matter that he was disappointed. "I know," he admitted. "I do know. I was just…. I was hurt."

"And I understand that but you know that I don't get a choice in when I have to work. And you didn't give me a lot of notice either," she reminded him.

"I know."

Sharon nervously smiled, relieved that she and Rusty were finally beginning to understand each other again. "I would really like to meet your sister and your grandparents, Rusty. Maybe we could arrange something for this weekend? We could drive out and meet them, save Sophie having to drive to Los Angeles all the time." She moved to the edge of her seat. "I know this is important to you and I want you to know it is important to me too."

Rusty swallowed and nodded. "Thank you." He jerked when Gus nudged him in the ribs and quickly added, "How did it go today?"

"I've had better days," Sharon confessed. "And frankly, I am glad to be home." She leaned back into her chair. "What do you say we order pizza and forget about cooking dinner tonight, huh?" Her green eyes fixed on Gus. "Are you staying?"

Gus glanced at his watch. "My shift starts in two hours so I'll be off soon. This time of day it's going to take me an hour and a half to get to the restaurant on the subway."

"I told you I'll drive you," Rusty interjected but Gus shook his head. "You don't have to take the subway."

"I think you need to stay home tonight," he answered with his eyes on Sharon. She smiled when she met his eyes. "Stay home and eat pizza."

He stood up, kissed Rusty goodbye before walking up to Sharon and kissing her on the cheek. She held his hand for a couple of seconds before letting go and moments later the condo's front door fell shut and Sharon and Rusty were alone.

Sharon stood up and went to sit down next to Rusty. He slowly leaned in when she draped her arm over his shoulder and pulled him closer. It wasn't much of a hug but it was closer than they had been in the last few days and Sharon leaned back into the pillows, Rusty's head on her shoulder, and she closed her eyes.

"Hey mom," Rusty whispered and Sharon smiled at the fact he was no longer calling her Sharon.

"Hmm?"

"Can we have anchovies on the pizza?"

"Absolutely not. I will not let you ruin a perfectly good pizza with something so disgusting," Sharon grinned and ran her fingers through Rusty's hear. "We can order a side of spicy chicken wings though."

"Deal." Rusty lifted his head just enough so he could look at his mother. "I love you."

"I love you too, Rusty. I love you too."


	28. Chapter 28

Sharon had been standing outside the door for almost ten minutes, had read the name on the door at least thirty times and had looked at the two framed posters on the walls and the stack of magazines on the small coffee table in the waiting room. She hadn't bothered sitting down in one of the comfortable leather chairs and had chosen to glance out of the window instead. She was on the tenth floor of a relatively new building two blocks from Parker Centre. She had never been inside before and she'd always hoped she never would. This was now the new location for the psychological evaluation; a mandatory session every officer involved in a shooting had to attend. It was three minutes to ten and Sharon's hands felt clammy and the knot in her stomach tightened itself even more.

She'd lay awake most of the night replaying the events of the shooting in her head over and over again. After Gus had left and she and Rusty had sat up talking for a little while longer, Sharon had remembered she was supposed to have the evaluation the next morning. Moments later she had excused herself and crawled into bed. She'd begun summoning the images from the back of her mind and played them like a movie, over and over, until she could remember every detail with perfect clarity.

She knocked on the door and almost immediately a man's voice called for her to come in. She pressed down the heavy door handle and stepped inside. The office was spacious with large windows that produced a stunning view. The blinds were partially drawn. A large mahogany desk stood in the middle of the room and the long wall was taken up by a bookcase crammed full with books and magazines. Neatly framed awards and diplomas hung on the opposite wall and leather chairs like the ones in the waiting room, as well as a couch, stood in the other corner.

"Captain," said a warm, friendly voice and Sharon's eyes fixed on the man sitting in one of the chairs. She guessed him to be in his early fifties, with greying brown hair and kind hazel eyes. He wore smart jeans, a button down shirt and a casual blazer. For a moment, Sharon was struck by the fact that this guy looked nothing like a psychologist. Then she realised that to most people she probably didn't look like an LAPD Captain either. Appearances were deceiving.

"Doctor McCrory," Sharon greeted the man and shook his extended hand. He gestured to the other chair.

"Have a seat."

"Thank you." Sharon sat down, her gaze falling on the notepad and pen on the small coffee table that separated the two chairs. The carpet underneath her shoes felt new and expensive and there was a faint hint of paint in the air.

Sharon crossed her legs, smoothing out the white dress she wore, and opened the two buttons on her blazer. She rested her hands on the armrest of the couch and tried to relax into her seat but her spine remained rigid and her body tight. When she looked at Dr McCrory she could tell he was reading her but in his defence, he was doing so with kind eyes and he wasn't being obvious.

"I hear you've had a little bit of a troubled week," he said. "Before we start, is there anything I can get for you? Tea, coffee? Water?"

Sharon shook her head, scraped a nail along the leather of the chair. "I'm fine," she answered. There was a soft tremor in her voice. "I think we should just get started."

Dr McCrory nodded and picked up the notepad and pen. When he opened it Sharon could see there was a copy of her report tucked inside as well as what looked like copies of her personnel file. An unsettling feeling crept up on her as she wondered what it was he had read in that file but she stored the thought in the back of her mind and tried to focus on the current situation.

"Do you want to talk me through what happened on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

Sharon took a deep breath. "We were assigned the case of an apparent robbery with two victims shot in the head." She picked at her fingernails as she continued. "As the investigation progressed and we found the couples' son, it became apparent he was the shooter…" She swallowed. Her throat felt tight and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She lay her hands down in her lap, folded and unfolded them again. She could see Hayden Jansen's face, could still see the devious smirk that had spread across his lips.

"He took a nurse hostage in the hospital after having smuggled the murder weapon inside in his underwear. Two of my team were there when we arrived and….Lieutenant Provenza and I entered the room."

"It says here that you offered to take the nurse's place." Dr McCrory looked at Sharon. "What made you do that?"

"I don't know," Sharon confessed. "I just kept thinking that she was innocent in all this."

"And you're not?"

Sharon hesitated, felt her mind go blank as she tried to find an answer. Words failed her and she just looked down at her hands.

"What I mean, Sharon, is that you willingly put yourself in a situation that could have seen you end up severely injured or killed. Did you at any point consider your own safety?"

"I wore a vest," Sharon countered. She felt a sense of frustration at the question she'd been asked. She hadn't entered the room without a regard for her own safety. She had entered the room because the young woman who had a gun to her head hadn't done anything wrong. She didn't deserve to be there. She probably had a husband at home and children. And Sharon had felt compelled to take her place because that was what she was trained to do.

"I did what I had to do in that moment to save the life of a civilian," Sharon continued. "If SWAT had entered that room while Hayden still held the nurse, he would have killed her for sure." She chewed the inside of her cheek. "This was all some kind of elaborate game to him. Some way to try and show the rest of the world that he was better than everyone else. He wanted us, me, to know that we had lost because he was never going to let us win. Killing himself was the ultimate achievement."

She was surprised by the cold, almost clinical tone of her voice and when she looked up she found Dr McCrory looking at her with narrowed eyes. She held his gaze, suddenly unfazed. "A teenage boy killed himself in front of me and somehow…." The silence that followed those words weighed heavy in the room. "Somehow I can't stop feeling like I pulled the trigger myself."

"You said yourself that suicide was the ultimate achievement. Hayden Jansen wanted to die," the doctor answered. "How is what he did your fault?"

"Because after his arrest we failed to find the gun in his boxer shorts!" Sharon exclaimed and her mind flashed back to the video of the suspect shooting himself in the interrogation room years earlier, having intended on killing Brenda instead. The same mistake had allowed someone to commit suicide then too. "A mistake like that allowed him to succeed."

"Do you blame yourself?"

Sharon's green eyes darkened. "I'm not sure. Maybe."

"And Steven Grimes. Do you hold yourself responsible for that too?"

The look in Sharon's eyes softened and her face fell. "I haven't heard that name in a long time. How did you…" She then remember the file inside the notepad. "You read the reports."

"I make it a habit to read the entire personnel file of every officer who comes through this door," Dr McCrory explained. "It's been a long time."

Sharon nodded. "I only graduated from the Academy a few months earlier and was out on patrol. We were called to the robbery of a small grocery store and when we arrived, the suspect was still on the scene. He was armed and when he saw us he turned around and opened fire." Her hand slid down to the side of her hip, almost as if she was looking for a holstered weapon. "He shot my partner in the leg. I reacted out of instinct. I pulled my weapon and I fired."

"But you didn't kill him," McCrory clarified.

Sharon shook her head. "No. I shot him twice in the leg and once in the shoulder." She looked up. "I had mandatory counselling sessions then too. I didn't think I needed them but it turns out it was one of the best things I ever did. Throughout all my years in Internal Affairs, the first thing I told any officer was to go to counselling."

"Why do you think you were responsible for what happened that day?"

Sharon shrugged. "Sometimes I think if we'd announced ourselves sooner, we may have been able to capture him without any shots being fired. But then I wonder, would he have shot us both if things were different?" She sighed. "After that shooting I was temporarily reassigned and ended up applying for a position in IA. It kept me largely off the streets and I was investigating shootings. I think that shooting changed the course of my career drastically."

"Have you been talking to other people about this? You have a son, don't you?" McCrory wanted to know. "And what about your boyfriend? There's a mention here of you dating Lieutenant Andrew Flynn."

"No." It came out sharper than Sharon had intended and McCrory looked up, a little startled. "I'm not."

"Oh, someone must have…"

"No, the paperwork is outdated," Sharon clarified. "I am not dating Lieutenant Flynn anymore." She placed her hands back on the arm rests of the chair and looked past the Doctor to a spot on the wall. "I'll make sure to inform Chief Taylor of the changes."

"I understand. But that doesn't quite answer my question, Sharon. Is there someone outside of work you can talk to? Someone you feel comfortable with?"

Sharon unexpectedly smiled to herself. Only one person came to mind. "There is actually."

"Good. Because in the coming days and weeks you are going to need them. Now, I think the standard number of sessions after an event like this is four. So I suggest we meet again in a few days and in the meanwhile I would like you to keep a record of what your days are like. Your emotions, your thoughts. I don't need case details," McCrory explained. "But I do want honesty."

Sharon nodded and accepted the little notebook McCrory handed her. It looked obscure enough that it wouldn't stand out anywhere and she slipped it in her purse. Then she looked back up and found the Doctor looking at her again. For a few moments they silently sized each other up, reaching a quiet understanding between them, and then Sharon stood up. The first session was always short, more like an intake than anything else, and she knew the next one would be more intense.

McCrory followed her to the door and held it for her as she stepped outside. She turned around to shake his hand and was met with a smile. "For what it's worth, Sharon, from where I'm standing, you couldn't have done anything different. I know it's different when you have to process the events in your own mind but don't be too harsh on yourself. In that moment you did what you had to do. There is no right or wrong way."

Sharon heaved a sigh and smiled too. "Thank you, Doctor. So I'll see you in a few days?"

"I'll call you to schedule our next session," McCrory promised. "It won't be any longer than a week."

Sharon released the man's hand and swung her purse over her shoulder. With her hands tucked in the pockets of her blazer she walked down the brightly lit corridor to the elevators and pressed the button for the ground floor. As the doors closed and Sharon finally found herself alone, she let out a ragged breath and her eyes fell shut.

Half an hour later she walked into the Murder Room and found it busy but not overwhelming. It seemed that Amy and Julio had taken on one of their ongoing cold cases and were chasing up potential new leads whilst Provenza and Buzz were going over new security footage that had been found in another cold case. Tao came over with a little disk in his hand and announced that the new software he had could potentially clean up the image and help them get a better look at their potential suspect.

Her gaze then drifted to Andy who was sitting at his desk. She had felt his eyes on her when she first came in but had deliberately ignored him. But now that she looked at him, he looked up and their gazes locked. Something jolted inside Sharon; something unexpected and uncontrollable. She set her jaw, crossed her arms in front of her chest and turned her back on him before walking over to Amy and Julio. From across the room, Provenza watched the brief exchange with alarm.

"What do we have?" Sharon wanted to know as she looked over Julio's shoulder at what looked like a coroner's report for a Jane Doe found five weeks ago. The more she read of the description, the more alarm bells went off in her head.

"How many does that make?" she slowly asked as she turned to Amy.

"Including the latest Jane Doe? Five," the younger woman answered. "All unknown women, most likely prostitutes or runaways. All found with their hair cut, their chest sliced and strangled to death. Pretty specific MO."

"Looks like a serial," Sharon concluded. "Amy, call the FBI. This one is over our heads."

"Yes, Ma'am." Amy picked up the receiver and pressed one of the speed dial buttons whilst Julio began gathering up the paperwork.

Sharon turned around and jumped when she found Andy standing closely behind her. The temptation to slap him across the face was strong but Sharon forced herself to keep her hands down by her side.

"Can we talk?" Andy asked.

Sharon raised an eyebrow. "Talk about what exactly? I think everything is said and done."

She knew a moment like this would be inevitable. They could only avoid the situation for so long but after the events from the last couple of days, she felt tired and raw and the last thing she wanted to do was deal with Andy's attempts to apologise to her.

"I disagree," Andy countered. There was defiance in his voice and he took another step closer to Sharon, entering her personal space. She instinctively took a step back. "And I think…"

"Nobody cares what you think," Sharon sneered and behind her, Julio and Amy exchanged a confused glance before both looking back at the Captain and the Lieutenant. Amy mouthed a silent 'what the hell' but Julio just shook his head. He had no idea what was happening.

Across the room Provenza stood up and quickly walked over. He put a hand on Andy's shoulder and gently pushed him away from Sharon. "Come on, this is not the time or the place," he said to Andy and shot Sharon a look. She merely gave a quirk jerk with her head to thank him for the interruption and then turned away, heading back towards her office.

"So now you're just not going to talk to me?" Andy asked, following Sharon with his eyes. The accusation in his voice was unmistakeable. "Come on, Sharon…"

"What do you want me to say?" Sharon retorted. She stood in her office doorway. The tension crackled in the air and she could sense people were confused. She saw the way the other members of the Division looked at each other. Provenza seemed to look almost helpless standing next to Andy. "Andy, I do not want to have this discussion with you right now. What happened is something between you and me…"

"Between you and me? Is that why Provenza, Rusty and Brenda all know?" Andy's eyes had darkened. "So much for between you and me."

Sharon didn't know how Andy knew she'd talked to Brenda but she guessed he just assumed and because she had not been home the night he arrived at the condo. She took a deep breath and allowed herself a moment to think before slowly walking towards him. Provenza separated the two of them, keeping an arm's length distance between them. His eyes darted from Sharon to Andy and back. The vein on the side of Andy's head was pulsating. The anger was evident. Sharon just looked cold. She had nothing left to lose.

"I said I didn't want to have this conversation here with you but since you insist on ignoring me, then maybe we should talk about it after all," Sharon's voice had dropped an octave, a sign everyone in the room knew to be dangerous. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and her green eyes blazed with anger. "So, since you want to talk so badly, why don't you tell me exactly what possessed you to sleep with a call girl?"

Julio almost fell out of his chair and Amy's hand flew to her mouth.

"Can't we do this privately?" Andy questioned, glancing around the Murder Room fully aware that now everyone knew what had happened. "Sharon, we need to talk about this… You have to understand that…."

"Hey, she doesn't have to understand anything," Provenza interrupted him and Andy's eyes snapped in his direction in shock. "What you did, Flynn, is disgusting and I will not let you stand here and try to apologise to her because she deserves better than that. And frankly, I am shocked you even considered trying. Here, for crying out loud! In the middle of the Murder Room! What were you thinking?"

"Lieutenant…" Sharon tried to interject but Provenza shook his head.

"Let me handle this, Captain."

He looked back at Andy. "You need to leave. Today. Just go home. Think about what you want to do and what happened here today." He shook his head. "We have been friends a long time, Flynn, and I always had your back. But this time…" He looked over his shoulder at Sharon. He could see the hurt behind her eyes. "This time, I'm with The Captain... Sharon."

Realising that he wasn't going to get what he wanted, Flynn stalked over to his desk, grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair and put it on. Without looking at anyone in the Murder Room he then headed for the door and left them all standing there in stunned silence. Sharon followed him with her eyes until he was gone. She couldn't believe this had actually happened. When she looked back at Provenza and met his gaze, he just nodded.

"Listen up," he then loudly announced and the remainder of the squad looked at him. "As you all will have guessed, the Captain and Andy are no longer…. Involved." He tried to find the right words before carrying on. "As always with this place, news like this travels fast but if I find out any of you betrayed the Captain's trust, I will personally hand your resignation over to Chief Taylor. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," Julio answered for the entire squad and he gave a little salute in Sharon's direction followed by a smile.

"Now get back to work," Provenza ordered and he turned to look at Sharon. She gestured for him to follow him into her office.

She closed the door behind them and circled around her desk but didn't sit down. "That was…" They shared a look of quiet understanding. "Impressive."

"It was the least I could do," Provenza replied. But then his face became serious and he approached Sharon's desk. "What are you going to do? The situation will soon become unmanageable."

"I know," Sharon admitted. "I've been thinking about that too."

"Does Taylor know yet?"

Sharon shook her head and placed both hands on her desk, leaning forward. Her head was spinning. The realisation that everyone now knew what had happened between her and Andy, what he had done, started to sink in. This was not what she wanted. She'd never intended for this to happen. "If he doesn't then I'm sure by lunch time he will."

"You should probably tell him yourself before anyone else does," Provenza suggested and Sharon just nodded. She pushed herself away from her desk and walked to the window. The sky was gloriously blue outside.

"Did you talk to Rusty yesterday?" Provenza wanted to know.

"Last night," Sharon answered. "I think he understands better now and he's agreed to arrange another meeting with his family over the weekend." She sighed. "You know, a few months ago, everything seemed so stable and calm and then I look at what's happening now and it's like I don't quite recognise my life anymore."

"Life throws at us only the things it knows we are strong enough to handle."

Sharon shot Provenza a look. "Did you swallow a philosophy handbook or something?"

"Saw it on a card," he grinned. "What I mean, Sharon, is that you've gotten through it. The injury after the attack, Anne's passing, Jack reappearing, Rusty finding his biological family, Andy's shenanigans…." He paused. "The fact Brenda Leigh Johnson waltzed back into your life…"

"Waltzed is an understatement. More like a tornado that ripped through," Sharon smiled. "But she's proven to be a stable factor. Hard to imagine she's the same woman who ruffled so many feathers around here years ago. Washington really changed her."

"Well, something changed her alright but I'm not sure it was Washington," Provenza said knowingly but Sharon didn't answer. He sighed and brought the conversation back to Andy. "You really should talk to Taylor before this whole thing gets out of hand. I hear there's an opening in Robbery/Homicide."

Before Sharon could answer he excused himself and left her office, softly closing the door behind him. In the silence and comfort of the familiar four walls, Sharon let out a sigh and slumped down in the chair, resting her elbows on the desk and supporting her head with her hands. The headache was starting to build behind her eyes. She knew Provenza was right and she had to talk to Taylor but the thought of having to explain everything to him… She didn't have the energy.

She heard her cell phone ring and found it at the bottom of her purse. Brenda's picture and name lit up her screen and Sharon looked at it for another second before answering. "Hey."

"Hi!" Brenda sounded cheerful. Sharon could hear the laughter in her voice. "Is this a bad time?"

"No, it's a perfect time," Sharon said. She looked up through the open blinds and into the Murder Room. Everyone was working, including Provenza. She wondered if he'd said anything to anyone since leaving her office.

"There's something I need to tell you," Brenda teased. "I've got a job!"

"What?!" Sharon exclaimed. "I didn't know you'd applied for anything!"

"I didn't. Well, not really. It's at the DA's office and I got an email two days ago from David. He works in Berkley now but heard there was a space back at my old department."

Sharon remembered David Gabriel leaving Los Angeles before Brenda had. He'd been offered a place at the local county jail and it seemed that with the shadows of the past still haunting him in LA, he had accepted the job. Sharon didn't think anyone was still in touch with him but it seemed she was wrong.

"Apparently David put my name forward and Susannah, who worked with me before, called me yesterday askin' if I wanted to meet. We met this morning for breakfast and she offered me the job. I didn't think anyone would wanna touch me with a ten foot pole after everythin' that happened but the DA's office clearly doesn't hate me as much as the LAPD does. They asked me to come back."

"Brenda, that's fantastic! I'm so happy for you! When do you start?"

"Next Monday. I need to go out and get some extra office clothin'. Are you free this weekend?"

"Not exactly but I'm sure we can work something out," Sharon answered. "I wanted to ask if you were free this weekend so maybe we can help each other out." She glanced at her watch. "How about I come round to yours tonight with a bottle wine. We can celebrate your new job and talk about the weekend."

"Thai or Indian?" Brenda grinned.

"Thai," Sharon decided. "I'll leave early so I'll be at yours for around six. I just need to let Rusty know I won't be home."

They ended the call and Sharon dropped her phone on her desk. This day could not have gotten any worse than it already had but she still needed to deal with Taylor. Reluctantly Sharon rose from her chair and left her office. She walked through the Murder Room without speaking, aware several sets of eyes were following her, and she made her way down the hall to the elevators. She was glad to find the elevator empty and after the doors closed, she rested against the wall and let her head fall back.

Moments later she stepped out into the hallway leading to Taylor's office and she waited for a moment outside of his door before knocking. Seeing his name on the door still felt strange after years of seeing Chief W. Pope on there instead. Years had gone by and yet it still seemed odd. The once so obnoxious Chief of Robbery/Homicide had actually done it; he finally had the best office in the building.

She'd never been Taylor's biggest fan, and the feeling had been entirely mutual, but they had grown to respect and understand each other and Sharon knew for a fact Taylor was relieved he was dealing with her and not Brenda.

"Come in," he called after she knocked and Sharon stepped into the by now overly familiar office. Taylor sat behind his desk and looked up from a pile of paperwork when Sharon entered.

"Captain," he greeted her. "What can I do for you?"

"I would like to discuss something with you, Sir," Sharon answered, her face almost stoic and her voice sounding professional. "Something of a rather personal nature."

"Is this about you and Lieutenant Flynn? Because if you're about to tell me the two of you are taking this relationship to another level…"

"No," Sharon interjected and Taylor arched an eyebrow in surprise. "We're not." She pushed her hands into her pockets. "Quite the opposite in fact."

"Oh?"

"It has come to my attention that there is an opening in Robbery/Homicide."

Taylor slowly nodded. "Yes. I've had someone from Vice express an interest. Are you saying there's an interest from within Major Crimes too?"

"To an extent, yes," Sharon slowly answered and sat down in one of the chairs across from Taylor's desk. "I need to talk to you about Andy Flynn."

~()~

It was almost five o'clock when Sharon switched off the lights in her office, swung her purse over her shoulder and slipped her phone in her pocket. She closed the door behind her and glanced around the Murder Room. She had instructed everyone to go home early and the only one left was, unsurprisingly, Provenza. He stood up when he saw her leave and joined her as she walked to the elevator.

"Did you talk to Taylor?" he wanted to know.

"Yes," Sharon answered. She didn't look at him. "And that is all I'm going to say about the matter right now, Lieutenant."

Provenza just nodded. "Got any plans for tonight?"

The fact he changed the subject so casually made Sharon smile and she suppressed a snort. "I'm going over to Brenda's for dinner. She was offered a job today and she accepted."

"DA's office?" Provenza questioned and Sharon shot him a look that betrayed her surprise. He shrugged as the elevator doors opened and gestured for Sharon to step inside first. "I hear things…"

"It would seem you do," Sharon smiled. The doors closed. "You really need to tell me how you do that, Lieutenant. Maybe I can learn a thing or two."

Provenza's eyes twinkled in amusement and he shook his head. "Not a chance, Captain. Not a chance."

They walked to the parking lot together and Provenza walked Sharon to her car.

"Sharon, about what happened earlier…"

Sharon had hoped he wouldn't mention it. "Lieutenant, it was unprofessional and I will make sure that it never happens again."

Provenza shook his head. "You know that's not what I was going to say." His eyes found Sharon's. "I want you to know that I spoke to everyone and explained to them what happened." He knew Sharon was embarrassed by what had happened between her and Andy and he wanted to spare her the ordeal of having to tell the rest of her team. "They know as much as they need to know. And they know that this doesn't leave the Murder Room."

"Thank you, Lieutenant," Sharon smiled. She was genuinely relieved. "Thank you."

Provenza just nodded. "Get home safe. Goodnight."

After getting in her car, Sharon glanced in the rear view mirror and watched Provenza drive off. She switched on the radio just in time to hear the depressing traffic report that told her she was undoubtedly going to get stuck in a traffic jam on her way to Brenda's and she sighed, put the car into gear and drove off.

The guy doing the traffic report hadn't been wrong when he said LA traffic that night was a bitch. It took Sharon the best part of forty-five minutes to get to Brenda and she had to stop off at a 7/11 to get some wine before finally parking her car in one of the visitor bay's in Brenda's building and riding the elevator to her floor. She knocked and Brenda answered the door moments later.

"Where did you have to come from? The moon?" she asked as Sharon stepped into the hall. "I thought you said you were leavin' early?"

"Two accidents and a lane closure. No one's going anywhere fast tonight," Sharon groaned and she held up the bottle of wine. "I've earned this more than you have."

"You're drivin' so one glass is all you're havin'," Brenda reminded her.

She took the bottle, carried it to the kitchen and took two wineglasses from the cupboard. She had to rise to the tips of her toes to get to them and Sharon watched as the simple dark blue top Brenda was wearing rose up a little, exposing the small of her back. Brenda wore skin tight faded jeans and she was barefoot, her blonde curls fell in a frenzied mess down her shoulders. Sharon always wondered how Brenda managed her crazy hair.

Brenda opened the wine bottle and poured her and Sharon a glass. She then handed the glass to Sharon and raised her own for a toast. She smirked.

"To you, Sharon, for being a great friend and for never backin' down. And for bein' a bitch sometimes but only when people need it."

Sharon felt herself blush but then she grinned and said, "And to you… because no matter how hard they try, no one can ever get rid of Brenda Leigh Johnson."

They clinked their glasses and Sharon took a small sip from the wine. Merlot wasn't her favourite choice but she was getting used to the taste. She took another sip and then carried the glass into the living room and sat down on the couch. The newspaper and some chocolate wrappers littered the coffee table and the TV remote peeked out from under the cardigan draped over the arm rest. She smiled at the fact that Brenda hadn't even bothered to tidy up.

Brenda followed her in and sat down next to her on the couch, pulling her feet up underneath her. She found the number for her favourite Thai place in her phone and ordered their dinner. After she hung up she nudged Sharon and said, "Switch on the TV."

Sharon picked up the remote, switched on the TV and scrolled through the channels before settling for a movie that had started ten minutes earlier. It was an old favourite, The Bone Collector, and she leaned back a little. Brenda's arm was draped across the back of the couch, her fingers inches from the back of Sharon's neck, and the blonde glanced at the older woman from the corner of her eye. Sharon seemed comfortable and relaxed and for a moment Brenda was struck by just how domesticated she and Sharon looked. If only they could have this ever day…

"So, talk to me about this job," Sharon said, snapping Brenda out of her thoughts. "Am I going to find you haunting my Murder Room, Chief Johnson?"

Brenda smiled over the rim of her glass. "Why Capt'n Raydor, you make it sound like you don't want to see me."

Sharon felt something…. Something she couldn't quite explain. She turned so she could face Brenda. "Who would ever have thought that one day Brenda Leigh Johnson would be haunting my squad room instead?" She fingered a strand of her hair. "Have I ever said how proud I am of you?"

Brenda was surprised. "What? Why?"

"The whole thing with Stroh… you could have let that destroy you but instead you used it to strengthen you. And the divorce…I know my situation with Jack was different but even then filing for divorce wasn't easy. To do what you did…"

Brenda averted her eyes. She felt like a traitor. There was so much Sharon didn't know. She didn't know she had cheated on her husband, let alone the fact that she had finally dared to admit she was gay. She didn't deserve the pride Sharon felt but at the same time she couldn't bring herself to tell the truth. So instead she gulped down the remainder of her wine and heaved a sigh.

"We all have our crosses to bear," she answered, still not looking at Sharon. She shivered when Sharon covered her hand with her own. Sharon's hand was warm, her skin soft. To feel her fingers ghost over her own skin clouded Brenda's judgement. She so badly wanted so much more but instead she willed herself to sit perfectly still.

"Are you free tomorrow?" Sharon asked.

"I can be," Brenda replied. "What's goin' on?"

"Rusty is setting up another meeting with Sophie and her grandparents. I…. I was wondering if you'd like to come. You've met her before and I think it would take some of the pressure off for Rusty and I."

Brenda thought about what Sharon had said for a moment and then nodded. "Sure." Her eyes narrowed a little. "But you didn't come here just to talk about that."

"I talked to Taylor today about transferring Andy out of Major Crimes."

Brenda's eyes widened. That was one thing she hadn't seen coming. "What? Really? Where would he go?"

Sharon looked at her hand still covering Brenda's. "Robbery/Homicide."

Brenda snorted. "Back to where he came from." She remembered her own first meeting with Andy Flynn as if it were yesterday. She'd grown to respect him but in the early days she gladly could have used him for target practice at the firing range. "What did Taylor say?"

"That he'd think about it. But something needs to be done. We yelled at each other in the middle of the Murder Room today and now everyone knows what happened. I don't want something like that to ever happen again."

Brenda thought back to the time when Will Pope's ex-wife had stormed into the Murder Room and caused a scene, embarrassing Brenda when she accused her of sleeping with Will again. Up until then no one had known about their previous affair and it had become fodder for the rumour mill for a while before eventually settling down. But the initial embarrassment… Brenda understood how Sharon felt.

They sat in silence for a little while, letting the thought of Andy leaving Major Crimes stew for a little while. It was Sharon who eventually stood up and got the open bottle from the kitchen. She refilled Brenda's glass and topped up her own a little before picking it up and turning to Brenda. She raised her glass and smiled.

"To the future."

Brenda raised her own glass and her stomach did a double flip when she saw just how beautifully green Sharon's eyes were.

"Yes," she answered. "To the future. And whatever it may hold."


	29. Chapter 29

Rusty let Brenda into the condo just after nine o'clock that Saturday morning and Brenda found Sharon in the kitchen making coffee. Without waiting or hesitation Brenda moved effortlessly around Sharon, rose to her tiptoes and took another cup from the cupboard. She poured herself a cup too, then waited for Sharon to have finished with the cream before adding a generous amount to her own coffee. She grinned at Sharon when their eyes met and from the other side of the breakfast bar, Rusty watched the exchange with a bemused smile. The two women shared a smile as they sipped from their coffee.

"Nervous?" Brenda asked when Rusty left the kitchen to answer the door again. She let her eyes trail over Sharon. She looked casual but it was clear she had made an effort. She wore her expensive skin tight dark blue jeans and had tucked them into her knee length brown leather boots. The look was finished off with a plain red top and a black leather jacket. Her hair fell in big waves down her shoulders. Brenda felt a rush of warmth to her cheeks as she let her eyes linger on the older woman for a few more moments, shamelessly following the curve of her hips and backside when Sharon turned away. She looked stunning.

"A little nervous," Sharon admitted and leaned against the counter. She couldn't deny the nervous butterflies in her stomach. This felt different than when she had first met Daniel Dunn or Sharon Beck. It wasn't just the nerves…. There was something else as well. Fear…

"They're goin' to love you, Sharon," Brenda said in between sips. "You did an amazin' job with Rusty. They'd be fools not to see that. And Sophie really is lovely. A girl like that had to have had a good upbringing and parents, or grandparents in this case." She put her hand on Sharon's arm. "It's goin' to be alright."

Rusty reappeared in the kitchen at that moment followed by Gus. The older boy stopped for a moment to take in the sight of Sharon and Brenda standing closely together, Brenda's hand on Sharon's arm, and then he smiled. "Good morning."

"Mornin' honey," Brenda greeted him in return. "So, who's drivin'?"

"Not you," Rusty grinned. "I want to get there in one piece."

"So not you either then," Sharon joked. She glanced at Gus. "I drive one way, you drive the other?"

"I can't believe you're choosing him over me!" Rusty shook his head in mock disbelief. "Unbelievable."

Brenda noticed both boys had clearly made an effort getting dressed this morning. She didn't think she'd ever seen Rusty look better than he did today. A nice dark blue button down shirt tucked into what she guessed were new jeans and he'd replaced his usual sneakers for brown leather shoes with laces that were actually tied. He'd even put gel in his hair.

"Lucky me," she said as she finished off her coffee, rinsed the mug and put it in the dishwasher. "I get to go out with the three most good looking people in the whole of LA." She glanced at Rusty. "I didn't know your hair could do that."

He grinned. "Shut up."

Sharon finished her coffee too and put the cup in the dishwasher next to Brenda's, noticing the faint lipstick stain that had been left on Brenda's cup and smiled. She then picked up her purse, checked her watch and found her car keys in the bowl by the door. It had been a long time since she felt this nervous about meeting anyone and she took a deep breath before stepping out into the hallway. Gus held the door until everyone had left and pulled it closed behind him. They rode the elevator down to the parking lot and Sharon got behind the wheel. Brenda joined her in the front and Rusty and Gus got in the back. Rusty gave Sharon the address and she set up the car's navigation. Moments later they drove out of the parking lot and headed into the direction of San Bernardino.

Sharon clutched the wheel a little tighter than she normally would and the knot in her stomach tightened the closer they came to the city where Rusty's family lived. From the corner of her eye Brenda watched the tense expression on Sharon's face and felt a little guilty that the older woman found herself in this position; she was Rusty's mother and she was the last person to meet the people related to her son. The more she thought about it, the crueller it seemed.

Rusty had agreed for them to meet Sophie at the house where she lived with her grandparents and Sharon's heart pounded in her chest when she took the last turn and drove down a long lane with slightly larger than average houses with big green front lawns and white picket fences. Most of the houses proudly displayed the American flag and Sharon thought that if she had to ask a child to draw a picture of the American Dream, it would probably look like this. The navigation system told her that in one minute she would arrive at her destination and she took her foot off the gas for a moment, slowing down the car.

The journey had been mostly silent and a quick glance in the rear view mirror after twenty minutes had confirmed her suspicion that Rusty and Gus were asleep in the backseat. They'd looked cute with Rusty's head on Gus' shoulder and the older boy's hand protectively on Rusty's knee. Sharon had caught Brenda's look for a single second and had been startled by the intensity of her brown eyes. She'd looked away, focusing on the traffic, and Brenda had switched on the radio.

They'd talked a little about Brenda's new job and Brenda told Sharon what David Gabriel had been up to. He was married now to a girl he'd met in a local coffee shop and he had just become a father for the first time. It had made Sharon smile. She'd always seen David as a family man. Seeing the devastation on his face after learning his girlfriend had been the one leaking information to Goldman wasn't something Sharon would ever forget.

"Hey guys, wake up!" Brenda called over her shoulder into the backseat and Rusty lifted up his head as he lazily opened his eyes.

"What?"

"We're here," Brenda announced and Rusty sat up with a jolt.

Sharon inhaled deeply and then spotted the house they were looking for. She swallowed and her breath hitched a little when she felt Brenda's hand on her knee. The touch was unexpected but felt warm and comforting and she looked down for a second but said nothing. Closing the last few metres to the house, Sharon felt sick with nerves and when she parked the car behind the silver SUV on the driveway, she hesitated before letting go of the wheel.

She felt a resistance she hadn't expected and almost every fibre of her being told Sharon to get back in the car, turn around and never come back. She watched with a pained expression as her son eyed up the house.

"Wow," Rusty whispered as he looked up at the colonial style home. "That is what you call a house."

The front door opened before they had all exited the car and Sophie appeared. She made her way down the porch and the front steps and met Rusty on the lawn. Sharon watched how the blonde girl wrapped her arms around her son's neck and was instantly struck by her resemblance to Sharon Beck. It was almost as if she was watching a younger version of the kids' mother, meet her grown up son.

Sophie let go of Rusty and he turned around and pointed in Sharon's direction. She wiped her hands along her jeans before crossing the lawn and reaching Sophie. For a moment she and the girl looked at each other, both hesitating on what to do next and she eventually settled for just extending her hand. Sophie took it and Sharon could feel the girls' hands were warm and clammy and their gazes locked.

"It is so nice to finally meet you," Sharon said softly, never breaking the eye contact. Sophie's grip tightened a little.

"I feel the same," Sophie answered when she let go of Sharon's hand. "I have heard so much about you."

"All good things, I hope?" Sharon asked, arching an eyebrow in an attempt to add a little humour to the meeting and somehow ease her own nerves and Sophie grinned.

"Of course. Like he would have anything bad to say about you." She put her hand on Sharon's arm and then turned to look at Brenda. "Hey, Brenda. Come on, let's go inside. Grandma and Grandpa are waiting for you. They are so excited."

Rusty and Gus quickly followed Sophie up the steps and had already disappeared into the house but Sharon held back a little. When she felt Brenda's hand on the small of her back she turned to face the blonde. Brenda's brown eyes had an amazing depth to them in the late morning sunshine.

"It's goin' to be alright," Brenda said. "Come on."

They stepped into the house together and Brenda closed the door behind them. Solid oak hardwood floors covered the entire downstairs of the house and they followed the sound of voices coming from the sitting room. Sharon's breath caught in the back of her throat when she saw Rusty standing in the middle of the room, looking at two people who were related to him but whom he had never met until today. As she approached, Sharon realised both Rusty and his grandparents were crying and something in her chest softened.

These people would love Rusty. Sharon knew that. But it was that knowledge that frightened her more than anything. What if they loved him more than she did? What if he loved them more than he loved her?

"Sharon," Catherine Beck said when she saw Sharon and Brenda enter the room. She crossed the space until she reached Sharon and took the brunette's hand into her own, covering it with her other. Sharon saw Rusty's eyes stare back at her, an experience that was both heart-warming and utterly terrifying, and the last bit of fear and hesitation Sharon felt vanished and she wrapped her arms around the older woman's neck.

From across the room Rusty watched as his grandmother and the woman he now thought of as his mother shared an embrace. Sharon's eyes had closed and her head rested a little on Catherine's shoulder. It wasn't the kind of hug strangers or even friends would share; it was the kind of embrace between two people who had both lost and found something. In that silent moment Catherine thanked Sharon for everything she had done and Sharon apologised for everything Catherine had missed out on. Their embrace said more than any words ever could.

Henry Beck, Rusty's grandfather, hugged Sharon next. He smelt of expensive cologne and clean laundry and Sharon felt a strange kinship with him. Perhaps it was because he reminded of her own father or perhaps it was the tears in his eyes when he let go of her and looked from her to Rusty and back. The disbelief was etched across his face.

"This is…." Catherine began and she tried to find the right words. She shook her head and reached out, softly touching Rusty on the forearm as if to make sure that he was real and this wasn't some kind of dream. "I never thought we would ever…."

Rusty looked nervous, Sharon thought. He had pulled his sleeves down over his hands and was balancing on his heels. He didn't look at anyone and seemed focused on a painting on the wall instead. She wondered what he was thinking and feeling in this moment. He had gone from being the boy who felt he had no real family to not only having gained Sharon as his mother but also having found a sister and grandparents. He wasn't alone anymore.

"When Sharon left, we never heard from her again," Henry said. His voice was hoarse and he wiped at his eyes. To see a man of his statue, Sharon guessed he had to be at least six foot two, reduced to tears at the sight of his grandson, was quite a sight.

"For many years we thought she was dead."

Rusty slowly looked up and Sharon recognised the hurt in his eyes. Her heart ached for him.

"I'll go make us some drinks," Catherine said in what felt like an attempt to break the ice a little more and make everyone more comfortable and Sophie went to stand up to help her grandmother but Sharon shook her head.

"Please, let me," she said and Sophie flashed a smile. The similarity to a young Sharon Beck struck Sharon once again and she averted her eyes, shocked by the intensity of emotions she felt.

She turned and followed Catherine to the kitchen. Once there she looked around in admiration. The kitchen was large and stylish, with marble countertops and big windows that overlooked a big back yard. A dining table seating six formed the feature piece in the room and a large vase of white flowers stood in the middle. It was clear that Catherine and Henry Beck had good taste and they had taken great care when it came to decorating their home

"You have a lovely home," Sharon commented. She knew it was a rather lame thing to say but right now it was the best she could do. She didn't often feel insecure or uncertain but right in this moment she felt both.

"Thank you," Catherine answered. Her eyes lingered on Sharon as she leaned against the counter and she smiled. Clad in a simple but elegant navy coloured dress with a white collar and matching navy coloured shoes with a silver buckle, Catherine Beck looked like she had stepped out of a fashion magazine and Sharon struggled to believe this woman was actually old enough to be Sharon Beck's mother.

"I'm so glad you're here, Sharon."

"The feeling is mutual," Sharon answered, even if she wasn't entirely sure if that was true. "I am glad Rusty has found his family."

"He found his family a long time ago," Catherine said and held Sharon's gaze. "When he found you." Sharon felt herself blush and a warm feeling bubbled up in her stomach. "Now he has just found a few extra additions." Catherine readjusted her dress a little and Sharon caught a glimpse of a golden crucifix around her neck. "Sophie says Rusty has been with you since he was sixteen. She didn't go into too much detail about his life before that."

"It's a long and complicated story. One that Rusty will tell you when he is ready," Sharon answered. She doubted he ever would tell his grandparents the full extent of his life and she couldn't blame him. "I'm just glad I got to him before it was too late."

"Lucky for him he found you and Brenda," Catherine said. She heaved a sigh, pushed herself away from the counter and took a step closer to Sharon. Her voice dropped a little, suddenly revealing a hint of sadness when she spoke again.

"We were stunned to find out Sharon had had another baby. She never told anyone about Rusty. Not anyone in the family anyway. As you know, she broke off all contact with Sophie when Sophie was little." The pain in Catherine's eyes was a pain Sharon recognised well. It was the pain of a mother who had wanted the best for her child but had not seen that wish come true. And Catherine had clearly felt a loss when Sophie's mother abandoned her.

"We assumed she'd run off with someone she'd met on the streets. Sharon always did have a habit of choosing the wrong friends. I don't think we ever considered the possibility…." She looked up at Sharon, seeking only understanding and not judgement. "We tried to find her, for a little while. And then the pain just became too much. And Sophie kept on asking when her mother was coming home."

Sharon nodded. "I understand. It can't have been easy for you and your husband, losing your daughter and gaining a granddaughter. Sharon is an interesting woman."

"You've met her?" Catherine carefully inquired. The echo of hope in her voice was unmistakable. She still had hope that one day she could look her daughter in the eye again, even if only just to see her, and Sharon understood.

"A couple of times, yes." She didn't add any details but hearing Catherine say she thought that her daughter had ended up on the street gave Sharon the impression that this woman knew exactly what her daughter was. "She is currently in county jail." Sharon replaced her hands back into her pockets and noticed Catherine releasing a deep breath. "If you want I can give you the address and other details and then you have a choice whether you want to make contact or not."

"I don't think Henry will. It broke his heart, losing Sharon. I don't think he ever forgave her for abandoning Sophie and when he found out about Rusty…. He was so mad."

Catherine heaved a sigh and crossed the kitchen to the fridge. She opened it and took out a large jug of fresh orange juice. She then took some glasses from the cupboard and Sharon took the jug.

"And you?" she asked, catching Catherine's gaze.

Catherine shrugged. "Does a mother ever really give up?"

Together they walked back to the living room. When they entered they found everyone sitting around the couch flicking through an old photo album. Rusty looked up when Sharon came in and his eyes lit up.

"Sophie looked just like me as a kid," he declared. "Her hair was even worse than mine."

"Worse? I didn't think that was possible!" Sharon joked and ruffled her son's hair before perching herself next to Brenda on the couch's arm rest. Their knees touched and Brenda's fingers briefly brushed over Sharon's hand. They shared a look and then they both looked down at the picture album in Henry Beck's lap.

There, on a swing in the back garden of the house they were sitting in, sat a little girl who looked so much like Rusty, Sharon had to do a double take to make sure it wasn't actually him. Rusty had maybe one or two childhood pictures and he kept them in his room but Sharon had seen them more than once. Whenever she saw him with just the two pictures in his hand her heart broke a little. A child deserved to have more memories than that.

Rusty looked from Sharon to Catherine and Henry and back. Sophie sat next to him and seeing pictures of her when she was little stung a little. She'd had the life Rusty never had. The sheltered, safe and warm upbringing where Rusty had only known violence, alcohol and drugs. He knew he was jealous, and he was angry too, although he would never admit to it if anyone asked. In some ways he resented his mother for not having abandoned him too. She did it with Sophie. Why didn't she do it with him? What if she'd abandoned him too? How different would his life have been?

His path would never have crossed that of Philip Stroh. He wouldn't have met Sharon. She would never have adopted him and he wouldn't have met Gus. Even if his mother did abandoned him it wouldn't have been a guarantee he'd have been happier. And right now, with most of the heartache over and his life finally close to normal, it didn't really matter anymore. But at the same time, he wanted to know. Why give Sophie away but keep him?

It was Rusty who, after an hour or so of talking, offered to help Catherine prepare lunch in the kitchen. Sharon could see the joy in the older woman's eyes when Rusty followed her and she scooted a little closer to Sophie so she could talk to her about law school and her plans for the future. Within moments she, Brenda and Sophie were engaged in an active discussion about the law and court whilst at the other end of the room Gus and Henry were sharing their love for food and cooking and Gus listened as Henry told him about a trip to New Orleans he took a few years ago.

Rusty shot a final glance over his shoulder and smiled at the sight of his family, his entire family, sitting together.

When he entered the kitchen Rusty found Catherine had taken a couple of knives and a wooden chopping board and left it on the side for him. She took the bread from one of the drawers and pointed at the fridge. "Everything you need is in there."

"Thank you," Rusty muttered and chose some cheese and tomatoes from the middle shelf. He put the items out in front of him on the counter and picked up the bread. He could feel Catherine's eyes on him.

"This must be very difficult for you," she said softly and he nodded.

"You know that we don't expect anything from you, don't you?" Catherine asked and Rusty nodded. "If there is anything you want to ask, something you want to know… About your mother…"

Rusty put down the knife but couldn't bring himself to look at Catherine. "What was she like? As a little girl, what was she like?"

Catherine smiled fondly at the memories of her little blonde Sharon running around this very house. It was almost as if she could still hear her footsteps on the stairs, the echo of her laughter in the hall.

"She was a happy child. Always smiling. I thought that maybe she would become a writer one day. She was always making up stories, writing them down and getting us to read them," Catherine answered. "She was pretty good. She had a gift, if you ask me." She let out a sigh. "And then she went to High School and everything changed. She wasn't our Sharon anymore."

"What do you mean?" Rusty turned to face his grandmother now.

"It was almost as if something inside of her had changed. She went too fast, she was too much… She would stay up for two or three days straight or sleep for that same amount of time. She would go out, drink and smoke. It was as if she had no boundaries anymore. We tried, of course, but Sharon… Sharon always had a mind of her own. And in her case, her mind was her own worst enemy."

Rusty didn't answer. It was hard imagining his mother as a little girl walking through this house. He sighed. "She never talked about you."

"We never stopped talking about her," Catherine quietly answered. "We never really knew why she didn't come home." She looked a little closer at Rusty, noticed the way his hands seemed tense and his shoulders tight. "Were you happy?"

The tears stung and Rusty managed to blink them away. "I wanted to be," he answered, remembering how he had once longed to be just like everyone else in his class. "And I think she did too. I just don't think she knew how."

Catherine nodded. "That sounds like my Sharon." She put a hand on Rusty's arm. The touch was unexpected and he jerked a little but then relaxed. Their eyes met. "It's lovely to get to know you, Rusty."

For a little while they worked in silence and Rusty cut up the cheese and put it on the sandwiches. When he was almost finished he noticed Catherine was watching him. The look in her eyes was distant and he wondered if she was trying to see her daughter in him. He couldn't blame her. If he was her he would probably do the same thing.

"So, you and Gus…" Catherine said after a while as she pushed some tomatoes Rusty's way.

Rusty scratched the back of his head. Unlike Gus, he was a little less comfortable with his sexuality and the fact that people knew. Not that he was embarrassed by it but he wasn't quite in the same place as Gus was. It had been one thing with Sophie and although bringing him here today had made things pretty clear, he still wasn't sure if he wanted to talk about it.

Catherine seemed to sense his hesitation and quickly said, "I'm sorry. It's none of my business. I didn't mean to pry but he seems like a nice young man and he looks at you with fondness in his eyes."

"Thank you," Rusty smiled, blushing a little.

"And your mother and Brenda? They seem like they've been together a long while."

Rusty dropped his knife and his eyes widened as he fumbled to pick it back up. "What?"

"Your mother and Brenda… They look happy."

"Oh my God," Rusty said softly and shook his head. The red colour spread from his cheeks down into his neck. "I…. I don't really know what to say but…. They're not together."

Catherine looked up, horrified. "Oh! I am so sorry. I just assumed… Brenda was with you when you met Sophie and she is here today. I just assumed she was the other parent or something. Rusty, I am so sorry. I really need to learn to keep my nose out of other people's business." She wiped her hands on a tea towel. "Please don't tell your mother about this."

"I won't," Rusty promised and looked down at the sandwich he was preparing. He remembered his conversation with Brenda not too long ago when the blonde confessed her sexuality to him and they talked about her divorce from Fritz. He looked back up and bit his lip. "Just out of curiosity…"

Catherine looked up too. "Yes?"

"What made you think my mother and Brenda were together?"

"I'm not sure, if I'm honest. Just a feeling, maybe. They seem so comfortable with each other. I feel terrible making that assumption." She snorted lightly and something about that reminded Rusty of his biological mother. She used to do the same thing when she laughed. He hadn't heard that sound or her laugh in quite a while.

"In case you haven't noticed, Henry and I are quite used to it. My brother is gay and so is Henry's sister and one of our nieces is too. She got married to her wife last summer." Catherine shrugged and cut the last sandwich in half. "We should probably get this on a plate or something."

They finished preparing the sandwiches and stacked them on a large platter. As they did so, Rusty talked about his Identity blog and promised that as soon as lunch was over, he would show her.

"A journalist in the making," Catherine said softly. "Not really that surprising. Sharon liked to write too."

Rusty shot Catherine a sideways glance when she said that and then smiled a little. The longer they spent around each other, the more Rusty felt like he had known this woman his entire life. They shared the same DNA, the same blood, and only a couple of hours after first walking through the door, it felt like he had found a second home.

Once all the food was prepared, Rusty went to the living room to call everyone in. Sharon and Brenda were still sitting next to Sophie. Breda's arm was draped across the back of the couch and Sharon sat closely to her, her hand maybe half an inch from Brenda's. Both seemed comfortable and relaxed as they listened to Sophie. From where he stood Rusty had a perfect view and he watched how Sharon turned to Brenda slightly and then smiled when Brenda smiled too. When Catherine appeared behind him in the doorway, Rusty tore his eyes away from the two women, remembering what Catherine had said, and focused on Gus instead.

"Come on everyone," he announced and they all looked up. "Lunch is ready."

Everyone stood up and began filing out of the living room. Sharon was the last to get up and she waited until the others had left, letting her eyes wander around the room. There were framed pictures of Sophie on the wall. She looked to be about six, eight and maybe ten or eleven in them. Everything in this house was filled with memories and Sharon felt a pang of regret that Rusty didn't have any of this. And now there were three people who wanted Rusty to be part of their lives and she wasn't sure how she felt about that. She was so used to protecting him.

"Sharon?"

She looked up when she heard Henry's voice and found him standing in the doorway. She wondered if this was the first time he spoke the name of his daughter out loud in a way not related to her. When she looked up into his eyes Sharon could tell a similar thought had crossed Henry's mind too.

"Are you ok?" Henry inquired.

"I feel like I should be asking you that," Sharon smiled and adjusted her glasses. "It's a lot to take in."

"That it is," Henry agreed and walked back into the living room. "And not just for us." He gave Sharon a sideways glance. "I know this is hard for you too."

Sharon chewed the inside of her cheek and looked back at the pictures of Sophie. "I think for me it's just a feeling of regret. I wish I could have given Rusty something a little bit more like this. He came to me so late…" She swallowed. "And it's difficult to not feel a resentment towards your daughter, especially knowing what I know now."

Henry pointed at the picture of Sophie where she seemed the youngest. "She had just done her first Christmas play in school here. She was so excited. I remember looking around the room and seeing all these parents watch their children. And then there was Catherine and I…It wasn't the first time where I was angry at Sharon but it was a reminder that this was what it was going to be. She was going to miss all these things but, worse, Sophie would miss out on sharing them with her mother."

Sharon didn't know what to answer to that but she continued to look at little Sophie. The sense of loss she felt for both these children was overwhelming.

"Catherine says you know where Sharon is," Henry said and Sharon slowly turned to look at him. She saw how broken he looked and she realised that the loss of his daughter had damaged this man beyond repair.

"Yes," she softly answered. "She is in County Jail." The lump in her throat didn't shift when she tried to swallow. "I told Catherine that I will give her the details. The decision should be yours. Don't let me, Rusty or anyone influence you. I understand how difficult this must be."

"Thank you," Henry sounded sincere. "Thank you, Sharon."

Sharon flashed a tender smile. "We should probably join them before all the food is gone. Rusty can eat me out of house of home!"

They walked to the kitchen together and joined the others at the dining table. From across the length of the table Sharon met Rusty's eyes and he smiled at her. She smiled in return as she slipped into her seat and she realised that the feelings of discomfort she had felt earlier today had begun to subside and slowly she relaxed. Rusty was happy right now and that was all that mattered.

It was starting to go dark by the time they left the Beck residence. Brenda offered to drive back to Los Angeles and Sharon accepted, relieved that after the emotions of the day she didn't need to focus on the road too. After hugging everyone goodbye she got into the passenger seat, put her seatbelt on and let her head rest against the window. Her eyes felt heavy.

Brenda climbed behind the wheel and looked at Sharon and smiled a little. She had no doubt the older woman would be asleep in less than ten minutes. She turned the air conditioning down a little so it wouldn't blow on Sharon's face, then readjusted the seat and stuck the key in the ignition. The back doors opened and Rusty and Gus got into the car.

"You're driving?" Rusty questioned when he noticed Brenda and his mum had swapped places.

"Better hold on to your seats," Brenda grinned as she started the engine.

Rusty waved at Sophie, Henry and Catherine on the front porch as Brenda reversed the car. The house slowly grew smaller in the distance until they couldn't see it anymore and Rusty fell back in his seat, letting out a sigh.

"How are you feeling?" Sharon asked from the front seat.

Rusty thought about that question for a moment. "I'm not sure." He chewed his lip. "Happy? Relieved? Confused?"

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Sharon offered and she turned around in seat so she could look at her son. "Give yourself some time to process."

Rusty smiled in appreciation and Sharon turned back around. She rested her head in the palm of her hand, her elbow balancing on the car door. Her eyes felt heavy and she took off her glasses and laid them in her lap. She closed her eyes and listened to the soft roaring sound of the car engine.

Fifteen minutes into the journey home Sharon was asleep and Brenda had switched the radio to a country station. Rusty watched as the world flashed by outside the car widow. Darkness was falling fast now and he wouldn't be able to see much at all. His head whipped around when he felt Gus' hand on his knee.

"You ok? You've been very quiet," Gus whispered. He kept his voice down so Brenda wouldn't hear and they wouldn't wake Sharon.

"Just a lot to process," Rusty muttered. He kept his eyes fixed on the images outside the window. "It's a lot to take in. A new family?" He sighed. "I just need a little bit of time."

Gus nodded. "I understand."

"Can I ask you something?" Rusty whispered, drooping his voice even lower. He glanced at Brenda but her eyes were focused on the road and she was drumming along to the melody of a song against the wheel. Sharon was still asleep.

Gus looked at his boyfriend. "Sure. What's up?"

"My mom and Brenda…"

"What about them?"

"Catherine thought they were together!" Rusty shook his head, clearly still surprised and shocked that his grandmother had even voiced that thought out loud. "I mean, really together!"

Gus softly giggled. "I can see why she'd think that."

"What?!"

"Rusty, have you seen the way Brenda looks at your mom?" Gus whispered, his eyes fixed on Brenda. "She looks at your mom the way I look at you. Like she is her whole world. And your mom… She is pretty fond of Brenda too. I can see why people may get the wrong idea about them. And sometimes I wonder…"

"Wonder what?" Rusty hissed, arching his eyebrows in shock.

"Nothing," Gus sighed when he noticed Brenda shot a glance in the rear view mirror. "We'll talk about this another time."

"Everythin' OK back there?" Brenda asked, having noticed the boys whispering.

"Yep!" Rusty exclaimed, straightening his face and moving away from Gus. "All good!"

Brenda directed her attention back on the road and allowed herself a moment to look at Sharon. The brunette looked so peaceful as she slept. Strands of dark hair had fallen into her face and it was tempting to reach over and brush them away. Brenda felt her stomach tighten just at the thought of softly touching Sharon and the blood rushed to her cheeks. She was grateful for the darkness in the car so no one could see her blush.

When she eventually pulled up in the parking lot under Sharon's building, Sharon had woken up and they'd chatted for the last half an hour or so. Rusty and Gus left the car first and had already made their way to the lobby to catch the elevator. Sharon leaned against the car, her arms wrapped around herself. She hadn't put her glasses back on and Brenda could see the tiredness in her face.

"Thank you for coming with us today," Sharon said softly and put a hand on Brenda's arm.

"You're welcome. There are worse ways to spend a Saturday," the blonde grinned. Her eyes flickered to Sharon's lips for the longest of moments. The desire to lean in and kiss her was so strong but Brenda clenched her fists and restrained herself. Instead she smiled. "You should go upstairs."

"I know," Sharon softly answered. "Text me when you get home?"

"Of course," Brenda promised and she stiffened when Sharon unexpectedly wrapped her arms around her and pulled her in for a hug. After a second or two she closed her arms around Sharon's back and rested her head against her shoulder. Her body relaxed into that of the brunette and Brenda could smell her perfume and her shampoo and both scents were driving her insane. She was so close, so damn close, and yet so far away.

"Goodnight, Brenda," Sharon said when she pulled back. She leaned in a little and kissed Brenda on her cheek, only just above the corner of her mouth.

Brenda watched as Sharon walked to the door that led to the lobby. She turned around and waved and Brenda waved back. Inside she ached and when Sharon was gone she turned back to the car, covered her face with her hands and let out a tortured cry.

This was getting out of hand.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, we are so sorry for the massive long delay. So much is happening, it's crazy. BUT... we are actually in the same timezone and the same room and we hope to get lots and lots of writing done in the coming weeks! Here's the next one!

Monday morning was a stark contrast to the weekend. Having spent the Saturday getting to know the Beck family and the Sunday at the Grove with Brenda and Rusty to get Brenda some much needed clothes for the office, Sharon felt a familiar ache in her bones when her alarm went off that morning. It was six thirty and she had a breakfast meeting with Chief Taylor at eight fifteen. Even on a good day it would take her the best part of forty minutes to get to the office, and another twenty to get to the restaurant where they would meet.

Sharon got up, stripped of her silk pyjamas and dropped them in the hamper on the way to the shower. She switched the hot water on and left it to heat up as she brushed her teeth and used her mouthwash. She looked at her reflection in the mirror, the lines around her eyes and mouth, the faint circles underneath her eyes, the trace of mascara from the previous day still visible on her lower eye lashes.

She stepped into the shower and washed her hair, leaving the conditioner to soak in for a few minutes before rinsing it out. Sharon washed herself and stood under the hot flow of water for a few more minutes contemplating whether to shave her legs but then decided against it and switched the shower off. Wrapped up in a fluffy towel and with a smaller one wrapped around her hair, she made her way back into the bedroom and chose a pair of dark blue panties and matching bra, black slacks and a purple shirt from her wardrobe. She got dressed, blow dried her hair and applied a small amount of make-up before putting on her glasses and checking her watch. She had just enough time to get to the other side of town for her meeting,

Sharon ran into Rusty in the kitchen. He was making coffee. "Do you want some?"

She shook her head. "I'm meeting Chief Taylor."

"About Andy?" Rusty asked and Sharon stiffened. "Are you really going to make him transfer out of Major Crimes?"

She and Brenda had talked about today's meeting in front of Rusty after Sharon's initial conversation with Taylor earlier in the week. Andy had joined the team in the early days after Brenda's arrival and Sharon had, until recently, considered him to be a solid part of her unit. But things had changed and the atmosphere in the Murder Room had become unbearable. She couldn't risk another blow out like the other day and the feeling of dread she felt whenever she thought about work, about seeing him, was just too much.

"I don't think I have a choice," Sharon answered. She didn't look at Rusty. "What time do you finish class?"

"Around five but I'm going out for dinner and a movie with Gus. Why?"

"It's Brenda's first day at her new job. I was going to ask her to come over for dinner." Sharon tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Shame, you'll miss out."

"I have a feeling you two will get on just fine without me," Rusty muttered as he poured himself a drink. He didn't look at his mother. "Brenda practically lives here anyway."

"Maybe I should ask her to move in," Sharon joked and kissed Rusty on the cheek before picking her keys up off the counter. She'd left them there the previous night, completely against her usual habit. "Have fun tonight. If you need any money, let me know, ok?"

"I will. Good luck!"

"Thanks!" Sharon called over her shoulder whilst stepping out of the front door.

She rode the elevator down to the parking lot, got in her car and moments later drove off into Los Angeles' crazy rush hour traffic. She switched on the radio and the DJ informed her of the latest news and the morning traffic report followed by the weather forecast before announcing the next song. From behind the skyscrapers of Los Angeles' skyline, the first rays of sunshine appeared, painting the sky in shades of amber and red, and Sharon clutched the wheel a little tighter. She had a big day ahead.

The restaurant where she was meeting Taylor was famous for its muffins and pancakes but Sharon ordered an omelette and fresh orange juice instead. Taylor couldn't resist and ordered pancakes and coffee and once the waitress was gone, he looked at Sharon. This was perhaps the first time in all the years they had known each other that they met outside of work without anyone else present. Meeting away from the office had been Sharon's idea and Taylor wondered if it was because she knew as well as he did that the walls at Parker Centre sometimes had ears.

"I think I know what this is about," he began when Sharon showed no signs of speaking first. She slowly looked up and her green eyes found his dark brown ones. "Andy Flynn."

"News travels fast," Sharon commented but Taylor shook his head.

"Just because I spend most of my time behind a desk, doesn't mean I have lost my skills for observation." He pressed his fingertips together and pursed his lips. "I take it things aren't exactly perfect in the land of romance?"

"Far from it," Sharon answered. She set her jaw, determined not to cross a line between her professional and her personal side. "Lieutenant Flynn and I have ended our…. Relationship." There was a hint of hesitation in her voice when she said that word. "And things have since become complicated."

"The fact you were asking about an opening in Robbery/Homicide leads me to think that complicated is an understatement." Taylor sighed. "Sharon, we have known each other a long time." The fact he called her by her first name and not her rank changed the dynamics instantly. "I have seen you work alongside guys who are far worse than Andy Flynn." He narrowed his eyes. "I remember the times where you would gladly have used a certain Southern Chief for target practice. But you have never asked for a transfer."

"Things are different now," Sharon admitted. "The relationship between Andy and I has broken down to a level where it cannot be repaired. But I don't want that breakdown to cause problems in my Murder Room. And after the other day…" She swallowed. "It would be best for everyone if Andy is transferred out of Major Crimes."

"You're serious about this, aren't you?"

"Deadly serious, Chief. I wouldn't ask if I didn't think it was necessary."

"The opening in Robbery/Homicide is still open and Flynn did use to work for them, twelve years ago. They haven't got a Lieutenant at the moment, Major Crimes has three, and their Captain needs a second in command. I wouldn't say I would ever have picked Andrew Flynn for that role but, as they say, miracles do happen." Taylor leaned back in his chair. "I hope you know what you're doing, Sharon. This is going to cause a storm."

"I know," Sharon replied and flashed a smile to the waitress when the girl returned with their drinks. "But if I do nothing, it's going to cause an explosion and no one wants to clean up that mess."

"I'll make some calls but Lieutenant Flynn's transfer should be ready by the end of the day," Taylor said and Sharon nodded. "Does he know?"

She shook her head. "Not yet. I want to tell him myself but I wanted to make sure the transfer would be authorised." She took a sip of her orange juice. The tangy taste lingered on her lips when she put the glass down. She had a distant, almost solemn look in her eyes. "Looks like it's the time for change."

Taylor leaned in a little. "I don't expect you to tell me what happened, Sharon, but you and I have known each other a long time. We may not see eye to eye all the time and we have our differences but you are a damn fine officer and Major Crimes has continued to grow under your leadership. I didn't think anyone could fill Chief Johnson's shoes but I was wrong."

Sharon remembered how he had once compared her to Brenda, saying Brenda could have done the things she couldn't. a lot had changed since those early days and although she and Taylor would never become best friends, she respected him and she understood that after all the years he'd fought to get to where he was, he was perhaps a little jaded and out of touch but some days he still surprised her. Today was one of those days.

"Thank you, sir," Sharon smiled. "And I would like for it to continue to grow."

Taylor nodded and readjusted his glasses. "You will have the paperwork by the end of the day."

Sharon felt a sense of relief settle in her stomach and although she would still have to face telling Andy that she was transferring him out of Major Crimes, knowing that she could now tell him without having to wait for Taylor's approval helped. She never would have expected a day to come where she had to transfer any of her detectives but she didn't have a choice. She was about to speak when her phone vibrated and she saw Brenda's name and a text message pop up.

Sharon slid her index finger across the screen and the message opened, revealing a short _"Will this do?"_ text message followed by a shot of Brenda in front of her mirror, wearing the black pencil skirt they'd bought the previous day, a baby blue satin button down shirt and matching black blazer. She wore black stiletto heels with a strap around the ankle and had pinned her hair up. She wore her reading glasses and Sharon had to do a double take because this looked nothing like the Brenda she knew.

Her gaze lingered a second longer on the hint of cleavage and Brenda's long legs before sending a message back. _Looking good. Knock 'em dead! Dinner at my place tonight?_

The little grey speech bubble indicating Brenda was typing an answer appeared. _I'll be over around six thirty. See ya tonight._

The waitress returned to their table with the food and after the first two bites, Sharon and Taylor found themselves discussing their current cases and ongoing paperwork. By the time they exited the restaurant together, Taylor holding the door for Sharon, it was almost ten o'clock and Sharon knew everyone would be wondering where she was. She and Taylor walked back to their respective cars and before she got behind the wheel, Sharon turned when Taylor called her name.

"Have you thought about maybe taking some time off? You have been through a lot recently."

Sharon smiled reassuringly. "And sitting at home isn't going to make it any better."

When she walked into the Murder Room thirty minutes later she found it in full swing. Phones were ringing, people were busy and when she turned to the Murder Board she was surprised to find several crime scene pictures pinned on the board. She arched an eyebrow as she turned to Provenza.

"Did we roll out?"

"Gift from Hollywood Division. They found a dead guy in a sewage drain. Turns out he's some rich kid. Hollywood decided it was a Major Crime so now the dead guy's ours and we have a list of suspects the length of Sunset Boulevard. Morales is cutting him open now." Provenza's dry commentary brought a faint smile to Sharon's face. "I wouldn't recommend going down there. The body was in the sewage drain for at least a week. Smells like it was there for a month!"

"Sounds like we're better off up here," Sharon said slowly and grew aware of eyes burning into her back. Even without turning around she knew it was Andy and something roared inside of her. She didn't know if it was frustration or hurt or pain but it was overwhelming and she involuntarily clenched her fists and held her breath.

"Julio," she said after a second and Julio looked up.

"Yes, Ma'am?"

"Can you bring me up to speed in say…" She glanced at her watch. "Fifteen minutes? I want the full details."

"Yes, Captain," Julio answered and Sharon flashed him a smile.

She turned around and walked towards her office. When she walked past Andy's desk she held still and leaned in a little. "We need to talk," she said, without letting her eyes meet his. She jerked her head towards the office door. "Now."

Andy followed her into the office and as she turned to close the door, Sharon caught Provenza's gaze. They shared a silent look of understanding before Sharon reached for the blinds and drew them shut. She took a deep breath and slowly turned around to find Andy standing by her desk, his hands pushed into his pockets and his shoulders dropped. She could tell he wanted her to think he was relaxed but she recognised the tension in his spine and the way he lightly balanced on the balls of his feet. Andy Flynn was nervous and Sharon knew it.

"You've closed the door and drawn the blinds," he commented when Sharon circled her desk and went to sit down. She folded her hands in her lap. "This can't be good."

"I spoke to Chief Taylor this morning," Sharon began. She was surprised by the coolness of her voice, the distance in her words. She looked at Andy but she didn't really see him. Her green eyes had hardened and it was as if a mask had slid into place. He had hurt her and she wasn't about to let him come close. She needed this distance between them.

Andy didn't move. "Oh?"

"Chief Taylor and I are both of the opinion that it would be best that you continue your career in a different division," Sharon continued. Somewhere in her voice she recognised the echo of the woman she had been years ago; talking to officers as they faced questioning after an IOS wasn't an easy task and she had perfected the tone of voice over the years.

"There is an opening in Robbery/Homicide and they do not currently have a Lieutenant. You'd be second in command. More responsibility." From behind her glasses Sharon studied Andy's face. He was showing very little. "The transfer will be effective immediately."

"You really think this is going to solve your problems? Transferring me out of Major Crimes?" Andy tried. He moved closer to the desk. Sharon didn't flinch. "Sharon, this is something we need to talk about."

"There is nothing left to be said that wasn't said already in the middle of my Murder Room," Sharon said sharply, cutting Andy off. "I would like to make it clear that this is not a request, Lieutenant. It is an order." Blazing green eyes now fixed on Andy's face and he saw, maybe for the first time, the true anger that was simmering beneath the surface. Sharon clenched her teeth as she held her former lover's gaze. "Understood, Lieutenant?"

Andy straightened up and nodded. "Yes, Captain."

Sharon gave a curt nod. "Good." A quick pause. "Dismissed."

Andy left Sharon's office, slamming the door behind him a little harder than necessary, and Sharon sank back into her chair. A heavy weight slipped off her shoulders and she briefly covered her face in her hands and took a deep breath. Then she stood, left the office and joined her detectives. Julio stood in front of the white board and he had rearranged the crime scene photos. Provenza put down the phone and singled out Sharon.

"That was Morales. Cause of death is asphyxiation. Looks like it was done with bare hands."

Sharon's eyes narrowed as she studied the crime scene photos and the pictures of their dead guy. "I am going to go out on a limb here and say that a woman probably didn't do this." She held up her own hands as if to strangle someone. "This guy is at least six foot two. Your average woman would struggle to reach let alone put enough pressure to kill him."

"So our suspect is male," Amy said. "That narrows it down to about half of LA."

"It wasn't me," Tao grinned, resulting in Julio gently slapping him across the head. "So half of LA minus one."

"What's the guy's name again?" Sharon wanted to know.

"Roger Whittaker. Old money. His grandfather owned half the city years ago. Spoilt. Always hangs around those celebrity parties. Famous for doing nothing," Provenza answered.

"Money comes with lawyers, Lieutenant," Sharon reminded him. She glanced at the phone, half expecting it to ring. By the end of the day she would surely have received a phone call from both the Mayor and the DA's office. That was how cases like this one worked. "Sooner or later someone's going to tell us to tread lightly. Until then…" She looked around the Murder Room. "Make as much mess as you can."

When she turned she found Andy sitting at his desk, staring at her. She sighed. She wanted things to feel better but there was no other way. She looked away and returned to her office, leaving the door open, and sat down behind her desk. She cradled her head in her hands and listened, with her eyes closed, to the noises coming from the Murder Room. She only lifted her head when someone softly knocked on her door.

"Captain?" It was Amy.

"Yes, Amy?"

The younger woman stepped into the office and closed the door behind her. She looked a little nervous. "About the other day…"

Sharon frowned. "What do you mean?"

"What happened out there, between you and Lieutenant Flynn," Amy said. There was a kindness in her eyes that made Sharon smile. "I know that this is probably not my place to say but, considering the circumstances, I don't think you had any other choice but to ask the Lieutenant to go." She held Sharon's gaze. "If you are anything like the way I think you are, you are now probably sitting here wondering if it's still the right thing to do." Amy paused. "It is."

Sharon sighed in relief. She had seen the devastation after the downfall of David Gabriel years ago, Andy had been the last one to accept David's apology and had insisted he transferred out. The tension had been close to unbearable and although the circumstances were different, the feelings were the same. The rest of the squad had also been hurt by Andy's behaviour and she knew they wouldn't forgive or forget easily.

"Thank you, Amy."

Amy left the office and returned to work. Through the open door Sharon watched as Andy carried a cardboard box over to his desk and began putting his personal belongings in it. He sifted through some files, selected a handful, and left them on Tao's desk before giving the remainder to Provenza. A few more items were thrown into the box and at that same moment, Sharon's phone rang and she answered.

"Captain, just to let you know that Lieutenant Flynn's transfer has been approved," Taylor said. "They are expecting him."

"Thanks Chief," Sharon answered and hung up.

In the Murder Room, Provenza looked on as Andy continued to pack up his things. When he was almost done, Provenza walked across the room. "You'll fit in well with Robbery/Homicide."

"You think?" Flynn snapped. "After all these years?"

"Anywhere's better than here. You had to have known this was going to happen," Provenza said. He tried to sound sympathetic but his voice lacked its usual tone. "You can't stay here."

Flynn glanced at Sharon's office. "Obviously not."

"It's not her fault, Flynn. It's yours. You did this. Not Sharon."

Andy didn't answer but picked up his box and without saying a word to anyone, carried it out of the Murder Room and disappeared, leaving behind a stunned and confused silence. When Provenza finally turned to face Sharon's office, he found her standing in the doorway. Something in her face had changed and there was a stern echo in her voice when she walked into the room and placed her hands on her hips.

"OK," she announced. "Let's get to work."

~()~

Sharon found Brenda waiting for her outside her door when she came home. The blonde was leaning against the wall, a bottle of wine in her hand and her trusted tote hanging over her shoulder. She smiled when she saw Sharon emerge from the elevator and Sharon couldn't help but look at Brenda in appreciation; up close she looked even better in the pencil skirt, the blouse and the blazer than she had done in the picture she'd sent that morning. She'd pinned her hair up and still wore her reading glasses. A file had been shoved into her bag; Sharon could see the manila folder sticking out.

"Hi," Brenda smiled. "Sorry, I'm a bit early."

"That's fine," Sharon said as she stuck the key in the lock and opened the door. She stepped inside and waited for Brenda to enter the condo too. Brenda dropped her tote on the floor and kicked off her stiletto heels, sighing in delight. Barefoot she followed Sharon into the kitchen and put the wine on the counter.

"Are you cookin'?" she inquired and Sharon turned around.

"The only thing I can make that feeds us quicker than take out is pasta," she answered and Brenda's smile widened. "Pasta it is. But I expect some help."

"What? You don't want me to sit here and watch you slave over a hot stove?" Brenda joked but she stepped further into the kitchen, reached for the knife block, pulled out a knife and then headed for the fridge. Inside she found fresh tomatoes, some basil and parmesan cheese. She gathered all the items and carried them back to the counter.

They spent the next fifteen minutes cutting up the tomatoes and basil and Sharon found some herbs and spices she would use to finish off the sauce. She boiled the water for the pasta in one pan as she prepared the sauce in the other and smiled in appreciation when Brenda handed her a glass of red wine. Once the water was boiling Sharon added the pasta and kept stirring the sauce. The kitchen smelt like a mixture of tomatoes and wine.

"So," Sharon said once the sauce was simmering away nicely and she turned around, leaning against the counter. She sipped from her wine. "How was your first day?"

"if I say 'boring', will you believe me?" Brenda grinned over the rim of her glass. Then she shook her head. "It wasn't boring, actually. There is a lot to get my head around. A lot of open cases. Even took some work home with me already. It's going to be busy and fast paced." She swallowed. "Just what I need."

Sharon's eyes narrowed. "Fritz?"

Brenda shrugged and averted her eyes. The feelings were something she had pushed away in recent weeks. Everything Sharon had been through had only enhanced the way she felt about her but it had also highlighted the fact that her life had reached a point where she wasn't moving forward. At night when she lay in bed her mind wouldn't stop spinning. She needed a direction, even if she wasn't sure where exactly she was heading to.

"It just felt like my life had become a bit of a stand still. Twice divorced before fifty, no job, no kids, not even a cat. It's nice to feel like I have some direction again."

Sharon nodded. "I can understand that."

"It has been a difficult few months," Brenda quietly said. "It's nice to have a sense of normality back. Structure in a day." Brown eyes searched for and found green. "Work was once my whole life."

Sharon held Brenda's gaze. "And did it make you happy?"

"In some ways," Brenda answered. "I never did quite know what I was hoping to find when I first came to LA." She swirled the wine around in her glass. "I didn't know what I was hoping to find when I left either."

"And when you came back?" Sharon wanted to know. "What did you want to find then?"

Brenda finished off the wine and put the glass down. "Myself."

The conversation stalled and after a couple of minutes, Sharon turned back to stir the pasta and the sauce. When she put the spoon down and looked over her shoulder to see if Brenda was still there, the blonde was gone and she heard the noise of the TV. Sharon heaved a sigh. The conversation was over.

She knew there were things Brenda wasn't telling her. In the weeks they had spent together, forming their friendship, most of what had been happening had centred around Sharon. Learning Brenda had gotten divorced hadn't come as a surprise. Sharon had always wondered how the dynamics between her and Fritz Howard had worked. The more time she'd spent with Brenda, back when the blonde still ran Major Crimes, the more she had come to understand that Brenda had her own demons and she was a woman with complicated layers.

Now that she was back in Los Angeles they had talked very little about what had brought her back to the city. Sharon couldn't recall many conversations where Brenda had been open about herself and the more she thought about it, the more she wondered why. There had once been a time where Brenda had trusted her. Did she not trust her now? Or was it something else? As grateful as she was for Brenda's presence in her life, she couldn't help but feeling like she was failing the blonde somehow. Her statements from earlier had only proven that fact. There were things Brenda wasn't telling her and Sharon really wanted to know.

She stayed in the kitchen until the pasta and the sauce were done, allowing Brenda a few more moments of personal space. She filled two bowls and carried them to the table, then filled her own glass and left the bottle standing next to Brenda's bowl. She then padded into the living room and found Brenda with her knees pulled up to her chest watching TV.

"Dinner is ready," she said and when Brenda looked up, she was smiling. Sharon immediately understood. The hint of vulnerability Brenda had shown earlier was gone.

The former Chief made her way over to the table, filled her wineglass and then sat down. Sharon did the same and she and Brenda ate mostly in silence. It wasn't until Brenda asked about the events from that morning and Sharon confirmed that Andy's transfer was official, that the conversation started flowing again. After that things seemed easier again and Brenda took the bowls, rinsed them out and put them in the dish washer. Then she took their glasses and the bottle to the living room and she sat down on the couch next to Sharon.

"So he's really gone?" Brenda asked and Sharon nodded.

"Yes, he's gone."

"How does that feel?"

"Weird," Sharon admitted. "But it was necessary."

Brenda pulled her legs up underneath her and balanced the glass on her knee. "You will find a way to work this out, Sharon."

Sharon smiled. "We both will." She put her glass on the coffee table. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

As per usual, Rusty had left his Netflix account logged in and Sharon scrolled through the selection of movies before settling on a thriller from the nineties. As the opening credits rolled, Brenda shifted in her seat and her feet brushed against Sharon's leg. She shivered at the touch and glanced at the brunette from the corner of her eye. She was so close… She could so easily lean in and kiss her… If she was brave enough. But she wasn't. And even if she was, she still wouldn't. Not when they were both drinking and Sharon was still dealing with everything else.

About twenty minutes into the movie and another refill later, Brenda felt Sharon's hand as it draped itself across the couch's backrest, her fingers brushing against Brenda's shoulders. For a moment Brenda was back in the bedroom the night she had applied the cream to Sharon's bruised skin. She had never been closer to her, had never felt more intimate with anyone, and the strong feelings startled her. She almost jumped when Sharon's fingers stroked against her shoulders again. A shiver crept down her spine.

Sharon leaned back, her eyes only half open, and she lazily turned her head towards Brenda. Her mind felt a little hazy and she recognised the familiar feeling of alcohol rushing through her veins. She could still taste the wine on her lips when she said, "You should wear your hear like that more often."

"Oh?" Brenda arched an eyebrow in surprise. The hint of a smile tugged at her cheeks. "Why?"

"It looks good on you," Sharon mumbled, smiling a little.

Brenda felt herself blush, felt the red heat creep from her cheeks down to her neck, and she looked at Sharon. She was so beautiful with her auburn locks falling down her shoulders and her green eyes half closed behind her glasses. She seemed peaceful and relaxed and Brenda knew that the alcohol was affecting her. Every word that came out of Sharon's mouth right now would be twisted.

"You look really pretty." Sharon's words sounded thick and a little slurred.

Brenda's stomach tightened when Sharon reached for her hand. Gently she pulled away but inside she felt torn. She wanted to feel Sharon so badly, wanted to know what it would be like if she did allow her to take her hand, if she allowed her to do a lot more than that. But she couldn't let her. Not like this. It wouldn't be right.

"Sharon, just watch the movie. And don't drink any more wine."

Sharon nodded, a lopsided grin on her face, and she leaned in a little further to Brenda until her head rested on the blonde's shoulder. Brenda's heart skipped and she held her breath for a couple of seconds, keeping her eyes firmly peeled on the TV. She had no idea what was happening in the movie but she had to pretend she was focused just so she wouldn't be distracted by Sharon.

When the credits rolled an hour later, Brenda shifted slightly on the couch and Sharon lifted her head. She'd been resting on Brenda's shoulder the entire time and now she lazily smiled.

"You can't drive, can you?" she asked and Brenda shook her head.

"I'll call a cab and pick up my car tomorrow after work," Brenda said and reached for her phone. Sharon shook her head.

"Stay," she said softly and stood up. "Cabs are expensive. My couch is free and I make good coffee in the morning. Stay over. I'll get you something to wear."

Brenda wanted to object but the words died on the tip of her tongue when she watched Sharon walk down the hall to her bedroom. Her hips swayed a little, more than normal it seemed, and Brenda covered her face in her hands once she was alone. She wanted to scream at herself to get her shit together but it wouldn't achieve anything. The aching desire she felt for Sharon was enhanced tenfold by the alcohol buzzing in her veins.

Sharon returned to the living room with a pair of pyjamas, a pillow and a blanket. "There's a spare toothbrush in the medicine cabinet."

"Thanks," Brenda clumsily smiled. She wanted Sharon to leave her alone. She didn't want to look at her anymore. She made a point of putting the pillow and blanket on the couch and feigning a yawn. "You should go to bed, Sharon. Tomorrow morning ain't goin' to be pretty. Goodnight."

Sharon left the living room again and Brenda waited until she was sure Sharon had gone into her bedroom and had closed the door. She got up and went to the bathroom. She stripped off her work clothes, washed her face and brushed her teeth and then changed into the pyjamas Sharon had given her. She found a spare hairband next to the toothbrush in the medicine cabinet and braided her curls, tying the hairband at the end. She inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent of Sharon's detergent. Her mind was reeling. Sharon's smell surrounded her.

Brenda went back to the living room, switching off the lights along the way. She plumped up the pillow, lay down on the couch and curled up on her side as she pulled the blanket over herself. She stared into the darkness of the living room and listened to the soft buzzing of the refrigerator coming from the kitchen before eventually drifting off to sleep.

~()~

Brenda woke to the sound of pained scream and her eyes snapped open. She sat up with a jolt and her eyes needed time to adapt to the darkness of her surroundings. After a few seconds her brain recognised she was on Sharon's couch. She blinked a couple of times, feeling the onset of an alcohol induced headache and tasting the dryness of her mouth. She strained her ears and heard what sounded like quiet sobbing coming from down the hall; Sharon's bedroom.

Brenda slowly swung her legs over the side of the couch and stood up. She then heard a door open down the hall followed by the sound of footsteps. Rusty. She narrowed her eyes. She hadn't heard him come home. Did he know Brenda was here? Had he seen her asleep on the couch? What was he thinking if he had?

She padded down the corridor towards Sharon's bedroom and found the door a little ajar. A light was on, probably Sharon's bedside lamp. She tentatively approached. Now that the door was open she could hear the soft crying more clearly. She also heard Rusty's voice.

"Mom?" his voice was soft and Brenda had to listen hard to make out what he was saying. "Mom?"

Brenda pushed against the bedroom door so it opened far enough for her to peer inside. The scene before her shattered her heart. Rusty sat on the edge of the bed, his hand on Sharon's back and he was rubbing it soothingly. Sharon still lay in bed, her back towards the door. From where she stood Brenda could see that Sharon's shoulders were shaking.

"Brenda?"

She looked up. Rusty was staring at her, his hand still on Sharon's back. She flinched and suddenly felt like an intruder.

"What's goin' on?" she whispered, afraid to wake Sharon.

"Nightmares," Rusty explained. "She gets them sometimes."

Brenda wasn't surprised that tonight was a night filled with nightmares. Recent events mixed with alcohol were most likely the cause. She watched as Sharon's body trembled and she realised Sharon was still asleep when the brunette lashed out at Rusty and struck him on the arm. She caught a glimpse of Sharon's face then; it was contorted into a mask of pain and sweat glistened on her forehead. Her body seemed almost trapped in the bedsheets.

"Sssh," Rusty softly whispered to Sharon. "It's OK. I'm right here. It's all going to be alright."

Brenda watched as Rusty continued to reassure Sharon. She felt helpless. She felt as if she ought to be doing something but there was nothing she could do.

Moments later Sharon's eyes opened and she sat up, instantly aware she wasn't alone. Her eyes had focused on Rusty. Sharon was panting slightly and she seemed a little confused and bewildered.

Brenda took a step back, disappearing into the darkness of the hallway. This wasn't her place. She didn't know if Sharon was comfortable with Brenda seeing her like this. She heaved a sigh and turned around. She made her way back to the living room and crawled back onto the couch. She pulled the blanket over her head but it was 03.22 am and she couldn't sleep anymore.

~()~

Brenda was in the kitchen the next morning when Rusty came in. He'd showered and was wearing jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. Brenda still wore Sharon's pyjamas. She needed to go home, shower and get some clean clothes so she could get ready for work.

Rusty watched the blonde for a little while. He'd seen Brenda's car in the parking lot when he came home last night and when he entered the condo and noticed all the lights were off, he knew Brenda was asleep on the couch. Sharon usually left a light on if he was late coming back. A quick check in the living room had confirmed his suspicions and he'd gone to bed in the knowledge he'd see Brenda at breakfast. He hadn't expected to see her in the middle of the night.

"About what happened last night," he nervously began and Brenda turned to look at him. He narrowed his eyes. "You didn't know, did you?"

She shook her head. "How often?"

"Every few weeks. Some are worse than others. She never tells me what they are." Sharon didn't need to. Rusty had a pretty good idea. "We don't talk about it afterwards. I'm not sure why. I think she doesn't want to worry me with it."

"Are they always like this? Does she always cry?" Brenda wanted to know.

"Most of the time, yes," Rusty admitted. "I think it's her mind's way of processing."

"Cruel way," Brenda mused and she and Rusty shared a long look.

Then Brenda straightened up and said, "Right, I have a meeting first thing this mornin' and I need to go home and change. There's coffee in the pot and some Advil over there." She pointed to the box next to the fruit bowl. "She may need it. There's a jug of fresh water in the fridge. Make sure she drinks some, OK?"

Rusty nodded and Brenda planted a quick kiss on his cheek. "Bye, kiddo. Be good. Tell Sharon I'll call her later."

She grabbed her clothes from the previous day, went to the bathroom and threw them back on. She didn't bother undoing the braid and after quickly brushing her teeth to get rid of the aftertaste of the wine, Brenda found her tote by the door and stepped out of the condo.

Sharon woke to the sound of the front door closing.


	31. Chapter 31

Office days were long and boring and Sharon's text message with just one word had come as a welcome distraction and surprise. Brenda had spent most of the day in meetings but had found that her mind often wandered to the events from the previous night. Sharon, under the influence of alcohol, as she said that she thought Brenda looked good and the way she touched her… It stirred something inside Brenda she desperately wanted to control. Then the sound of the pained scream and the discovery of Sharon's nightmares… It had almost broken Brenda's heart. When she left that morning, without saying goodbye, Brenda had cried in her car. It was all getting too much.

It was now just after five o'clock and Brenda was back in her car. Sharon had simply texted "beach?" at lunchtime and it had been followed by a quick exchange of text messages that had resulted in them agreeing to meet on the pier and to have dinner together. After locking up her office and making her way down to the parking lot, Brenda had put her tote on the passenger seat, turned the ignition and the car engine roared to life. She drove out of the DA's office parking lot and joined the steady flow of Los Angeles rush hour traffic.

She met Sharon forty-five minutes and two rants at incapable drivers later. Brenda saw Sharon before Sharon saw her and she allowed herself a quiet moment of watching the older woman as she leaned over the railing, watching the waves roll in. The wind played with Sharon's auburn hair and she wore simple black slacks and a deep purple silk blouse. Against the backdrop of the ocean and the colours of the sky as the sun began to set, Sharon looked a vision. She seemed lost in thought and Brenda slowly approached her.

"Hi," she said softly when she sidled up beside Sharon and folded her arms on the railing. Beneath them the waves continued to roll in. Sharon turned her head and smiled.

"Hey. Did you get stuck in traffic?"

"Who doesn't get stuck in traffic in LA?" Brenda grinned but then her eyes narrowed and she studied Sharon's face a little more closely. She looked wary, Brenda thought. Like the weight of the world was pressing down on her. "Is everthyhin' ok?"

"It's just been a long few days," Sharon sighed. Brenda could see the signs of tiredness on her face. "Today was the first full day without Andy and we're a man down. Taylor doesn't know if he can get me a replacement anytime soon and I couldn't help but notice that empty desk every time I looked out of the window."

Brenda nodded. "It takes some gettin' used to." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I remember that feeling of your team being incomplete back when Irene Daniels transferred out. And I didn't have the kind of relationship with her the way you had with Andy. You just get used to seeing somebody every single day and then suddenly…"

"They're not there anymore."

Sharon's eyes held Brenda's. She'd experienced that feeling once before. When she had walked into the murder room for the first time after Brenda left. Being there without the blonde being there too… It had just felt strange and a little empty. And this morning, that feeling returned when she had walked in and found everyone at their desks except Andy. The decision for his transfer had been for the best, Sharon knew that, but sometimes the right thing to do still hurt.

"You were gone before I woke up," Sharon then unexpectedly said and Brenda averted her eyes. That same intense feeling she had felt the night before welled up inside her again and her fingers closed around the metal railing as she clung on a little tighter.

"I didn't want to be an inconvenience," she muttered without looking at Sharon.

Sharon didn't answer straight away. She'd woken up that morning wondering if Brenda had heard or seen what had happened last night but when she asked Rusty, he had avoided the subject and just said that he didn't know. Sharon had a feeling Brenda was at least aware something had happened and that was why she had left, but it seemed the subject left them both uncomfortable so she didn't ask any further. If Brenda was trying to protect Sharon's feelings by pretending she didn't know than Sharon was willing to accept that. She understood Brenda was only trying to make her feel better, even if it did have the opposite effect.

"There is a lovely little Greek place a little further down the beach," Sharon changed the subject. "It opened only a few weeks ago. Gavin told me about it."

Brenda flashed a smile, glad to see the subject had changed. "I can't remember the last time I ate Greek food."

"Neither can I. I just remember that it wasn't very good." Sharon pushed herself away from the railing. "Ready?"

Brenda fell into step beside Sharon and they walked in silence for a little while. Their arms brushed against each other every few steps and Brenda felt the strong urge to either take Sharon's hand or arm and hold onto it. Somehow the surroundings seemed to call for it. The beach, the pier, the sunset and even the sound of the seagulls above their heads. Why of all places had Sharon suggested the beach? If it was supposed to make Brenda feel calm, it wasn't working.

She almost jumped when she felt Sharon's hand on her arm and turned her head. The brunette wasn't looking at her but Brenda's heart skipped a beat when Sharon linked their arms, resting her hand just above Brenda's wrist. She seemed to have moved closer too, Brenda thought, and she had to try hard not to let her mind be clouded by the intense feelings that coursed through her body. Instead she forced herself to exhale slowly and let her body relax into Sharon a little.

The little Greek restaurant Sharon had been talking about turned out to be just that; little. Wedged in between an art deco style coffee bar and an Italian restaurant that had been there for the last twenty years, it had little fairy lights strung around the two palm trees in the middle of the outside seating area. Traditional Greek music played softly through the speakers and Brenda was surprised to find the outside area wasn't full on an evening like this. Each table had four little candles on a tray in the middle as well as a small vase of flowers and a smiling young waiter who introduced himself as Enzo led them to a table in the corner and then gave them their menus.

Brenda studied the menu and wished that she was a little bit more worldly aware. More than half the food sounded and looked unfamiliar to her and she contemplated opting for something of which she actually knew what it was but then decided against it and when Enzo returned ten minutes later, Brenda did her best not to stumble over the Greek pronunciation of the food and ordered something she had never even heard of. Sharon seemed more confident in ordering her food and also asked for two glasses of wine and a jug of water. With a smile still in place, Enzo disappeared inside the restaurant to let the kitchen know what they had ordered.

"So," Sharon said, drawing Brenda's attention. "In light of my latest relationship disaster, tell me a little more about what's going on with you."

Brenda stared at Sharon for a few moments, unsure about what her friend meant. "What do you mean?"

"I guess I just realised that we have spent a lot of time talking about things happening in my life," Sharon answered. "But we don't talk much about yours."

"There isn't much to talk about," Brenda shrugged. "Moved back LA, only just got a job…"

"Got divorced…"

Brenda knew that this was where the conversation had been headed and she shifted in her seat. "Got divorced. Again."

"I know you said the last time that you didn't want to talk about it," Sharon quietly said. "But some days I wonder…" Brenda arched an eyebrow. "You don't talk much about your life from before you came back to Los Angeles. Fritz would sometimes tell us what you were up to in DC and then that stopped. I didn't realise it at first but I guess that must have been around the time you two…"

"Things were never perfect," Brenda admitted. "Even from the start. Fritz wanted children. I didn't. He was always more of a family kind of guy. But it just never appealed to me. I am aware I often chose work over him and largely he tolerated that but… I don't know… I think there came a point where I realised I wanted something else. Being in DC helped me see that."

"Something else?" Sharon asked carefully. "Or someone else?"

Brenda felt herself blush and she picked at her fingernails under the table. She had made a conscious effort to keep this part of her life almost hidden from Sharon. Talking about Sarah in DC was difficult, talking about her being gay in front of Sharon was difficult. Rusty knew but she wasn't sure she was ready for Sharon to know. So instead she just nodded her head and sighed in relief when Enzo returned with their drinks.

"So you were dating someone in DC?" It seemed Sharon wasn't ready to let the subject go yet and she fired the question as soon as Enzo was out of earshot.

Sharon was surprised by her own curiosity but she wanted to know more about Brenda. She had come to realise that so much of this friendship had been almost a one way street and she wanted to be the friend to Brenda that Brenda had been to her.

"You could say that," Brenda admitted, her cheeks still flushed. "It only lasted a few months."

"What happened?"

Brenda's brown eyes found Sharon's green. "I knew they weren't right for me." She chewed the inside of her cheek. "And I guess I wasn't ready. Maybe I never was."

"Or maybe you just haven't found the right person yet," Sharon added as she picked up her wineglass and took a small sip.

Brenda's eyes never left Sharon's face. "Maybe."

"I am hardly the one to give out relationship advice. I mean, look at my track record. I stayed married to an alcoholic gambler for over twenty years and then when I did get divorced, I ended up dating a guy who cheated on me with an escort," Sharon sarcastically said and she raised her wineglass to make a toast. Brenda did the same and their glasses clinked together. "To idiot men and the fact we don't need them."

Brenda smiled over the rim of her glass at those words. They were the kind of words she would never have expected to hear out of Sharon Raydor's mouth and the fact she now had was both startling and amusing. She wondered what Fritz would make of them sitting here. He knew. He had always known, almost from the moment Sharon walked into her Murder Room. For all those years he had battled against a fantasy and a desire he knew he could never beat.

"What's it like being back at the DA's office?" Sharon inquired after a few moments of silence. "I saw Andrea earlier and she told me that everyone seems to be thrilled to have you back."

Brenda snorted. "About as thrilled as people were when I first took over Priority Homicide, I suspect." She swirled her wine around in her glass. "I don't know… I was keen to go back to work, give my life some kind of new direction, but somehow it feels as if I've stepped into…."

"The past?" Sharon finished Brenda's sentence and the blonde looked up. "You came back to a city full of memories and now you're working in the same place you worked at before you left. I can see how that is confusing."

"How many of those counselling sessions did you go to?" Brenda asked, arching an eyebrow in amusement. But she nodded anyway because Sharon was right. "I didn't realise it until I first walked back into the building. So many memories." She shrugged. "It pays the bills but I don't think I'll stay. There are so many other things I could be doing."

"Law firms are always looking for investigators. You can become a consultant, like a liaison between a law firm and the LAPD. God knows most of them need it," Sharon suggested. "You'll find your place, Brenda. Just give it time. When things get turned upside down…"

"Like when you took over Major Crimes?" Brenda interrupted her and Sharon looked up.

"I still haven't forgiven you for that." It was meant to sound light hearted but they both knew it wasn't. Brenda had never said goodbye. Sharon hadn't heard from her for weeks and she'd been hurt and angry until the day she finally received a letter.

The letter had been short but Brenda had apologised for leaving without saying a word, for ignoring Sharon's calls and texts and explained she'd needed time. In reality, she had tried to live a life without Sharon Raydor but she hadn't been able to do so. Even fleeing to DC hadn't changed anything. Everything always came back down to Sharon.

"Change is always hard," Brenda said in an attempt to divert the subject and she let her eyes wander around the little seating area. It was still quiet but a couple more tables had filled up. She could tell instantly that all the occupants were couples. A guy and a girl and two guys. She could tell from the way they looked at each other, the way their bodies were positioned. And then she looked down at her own hand lying on the table, her fingers less than an inch from Sharon's and she pulled her hand back, let it fall into her lap. Moments later, Sharon did the same.

"Anythin' interestin' happenin' in your Murder Room?" Brenda brought the conversation back to work.

"Mike is due in court tomorrow to give a statement and I think Amy is due to testify too. Buzz is working on getting us some new kind of surveillance equipment that should make stakeouts a little less tedious," Sharon answered. "A couple of unsolved cases but…" She glanced at her phone out of habit. "It seems the people of Los Angeles have refrained from killing each other for just one night."

Brenda smirked. "That won't last."

"Nope, it won't," Sharon answered. "Because people are creatures of habit."

They talked about work a little longer until Enzo returned with the food they had ordered. The topic of conversation then shifted from work to food and Sharon promised Brenda she would cook for her again soon and Brenda vowed that this year she would organise Thanksgiving dinner and invite the whole squad. When Sharon suggested they had the party at the Murder Room for 'old times' sake', they reached the subject of Brenda's family.

"How is your father?" Sharon asked. She had a fondness for Clay Johnson. A big man with an even bigger heart. It wasn't hard to see where Brenda got some of her obvious traits from.

"He has picked his life back up as best as he could since Mama died," Brenda answered. "He travels, but on a plane and no longer by RV." She smiled fondly at the memory of her parents and their RV. "He's lost some weight and he spends a lot of time with my brothers." She averted her eyes. "I haven't seen him in a while."

"You should," Sharon said and there was a seriousness to her voice. Green eyes held brown. "You never know when your last chance might be, Brenda Leigh."

Brenda knew Sharon meant Anne and she promised herself that when she came home tonight, she would look at flights to Atlanta.

When dinner was finished they paid and finished off their wine before getting up and heading back towards the beach. The sun had fully set now and the crowds on the pier and walkways had changed. Gone were the families and teenagers and out were the artistic types, the couples wrapped up in each other's arms and the poets sitting with a notebook and a pen in their lap staring at the waves, hoping for some kind of inspiration. The water looked almost black now and the waves rolled onto the beach in a soft, calming rhythm.

"Do you want to sit for a while?" Sharon asked after they had walked for fifteen minutes or so. The pier lay well behind them now and they had reached a part of the beach that was almost abandoned. A few clouds parted and Brenda caught a glimpse of the yellow moon on the horizon.

"Sure," she said and sank down into the sand. It filled her shoes and found its way between her toes but she didn't care. She watched as Sharon sat down next to her and pulled her knees up to her chest.

"The beach calms me," Sharon admitted. "It's why I wanted to come here today."

"Andy?" Brenda guessed and the brunette nodded.

"Andy, Rusty… everything."

"These last few weeks have brought some big changes into your life," Brenda said softly. "It's normal to feel anxious or stressed out by that. The things that happened…" She looked out over the black water. "I'm just glad you didn't have to go through them alone."

"So am I," Sharon answered quietly and put her hand on Brenda's knee. "Thank you."

Brenda expected Sharon to pull her hand away after a couple of seconds but as the seconds ticked by, Sharon's hand remained where it was and Brenda felt her chest tighten. Then, carefully, she placed her hand on top of Sharon's and their fingers effortlessly slid together. Brenda watched Sharon from the corner of her eye but the brunette didn't look back so Brenda focused on the ocean instead, quietly relishing in the feeling of Sharon's hand holding hers.

What eventually drove them apart and forced Sharon to pull her hand back wasn't the fact either of them had said it was time to leave, despite the wind having grown chillier and the sky even darker. It was the sharp ringing of Sharon's cell phone and Provenza's name on the screen that broke the silence between them after sharing a meaningful look, Sharon answered.

"Good evening, Lieutenant."

"The good citizens of Los Angeles are at it again. Dead guy in a sewage drain."

Sharon couldn't suppress a smile. "People are nothing if not predictable. Where will I be meeting you?"

Provenza gave her the address and then they hung up. Sharon dropped the phone in her lap and then looked back at Brenda. "At least some things never change."

The blonde let her fingers dance over the back of Sharon's hand for the briefest of moments before standing up and reaching her hand out to pull Sharon to her feet. They stood looking at each other for a moment or two and Brenda said, "Maybe that's just for the best."

They walked back towards the pier and just before reaching it, they went their separate ways. Sharon pulled Brenda in for a hug and the younger woman let herself relax into Sharon's arms, allowed herself the feeling of running her fingers through Sharon's hair. She would later swear it was her imagination but in that moment she was certain she could feel Sharon sigh contently against her neck.

"Good night," Sharon said when she stepped back. Green eyes held brown and Brenda watched as what seemed like momentary confusion flashed across Sharon's face. Then the older woman leaned in, kissed Brenda on her cheek and stepped back. "Drive safely."

"I will," Brenda whispered and watched as Sharon headed off in the direction of her car. She hesitated but then called out. "Sharon?"

The Captain turned. "Yes?"

"Text me when you get home? No matter what time."

Sharon's smile lit up her whole face. "I will," she promised and gave a quick wave. "Bye."

Heaving a sigh, Brenda turned around and found her way back to her own car. She climbed behind the wheel and leaned back into the seat. The raging emotions inside of her were overwhelming and when she turned the engine and the car came to life, Brenda reached for the volume on the stereo and turned it up to maximum, blasting the beat of some godawful dance tune as she drove away from the beach. By the time she reached the highway, the thundering bass had drowned out some of the turmoil inside but when she came home to the emptiness and silence of her apartment, Brenda fell down on the couch and let out a quiet sob.

~()~

It was two o'clock in the morning when Sharon finally came home from the crime scene. She took a shower in an attempt to rinse off the smell of decomp mixed with sewage and after washing her hair twice she finally felt a little less dirty. She changed into her pyjamas, peered behind Rusty's door to make sure he was safely and soundly asleep and then padded back to her bedroom. She picked up her cell phone, texted Brenda to let her know she was home and waited a few moments longer than she normally would to see if the blonde would reply but then she remembered the time and the fact Brenda was probably asleep and Sharon put the phone down and crawled into bed. She switched off the light, rolled onto her side, and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

Her alarm went off at seven and Sharon rubbed the sleep out of her eyes before getting up. She had a wash, brushed her teeth and combed her hair, styling it by pulling some of it away from her face and securing it with a silver pin. She applied a minimal amount of make-up and chose a light blue dress and white blazer from her wardrobe and got dressed. With her shoes in her hand she made her way to the kitchen and found Rusty making coffee.

"You were home late," he pointed out. "I waited up."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Sharon apologised. "We rolled out last night."

"Did you have a nice time with Brenda?" Rusty wanted to know and Sharon nodded. "What did you two talk about?" He tried to sound casual.

"Different things," Sharon answered and she gave Rusty a sideways glance. "Has she ever mentioned her divorce to you?"

Rusty almost dropped his mug but shook his head. "No, not really. I mean, she told me but never really in any detail." He prayed to whatever deity lived in Heaven that his mother didn't notice the deep shade of pink creeping up along his neck. "Sometimes I think she is a little embarrassed to talk about it, know what I mean?"

"Yeah, there is still a stigma attached to divorce, even in this society," Sharon mused. "People look at divorced women differently than they do divorced men." She leaned against the kitchen counter and took a sip from the coffee Rusty had made for her. "A lot of people still tend to pity those who are divorced. But I don't think Brenda needs to be pitied."

"She'd kill anyone who pitied her," Rusty agreed and continued to watch his mother. She seemed lighter somehow, as if a weight had been lifted. He put a hand on her arm. "I'm glad you had a good time last night. Is Brenda coming over anytime soon? Maybe this weekend?"

"We haven't really discussed it," Sharon answered and looked at her son. "What's with all the questions? Do you have plans for the weekend or something?"

Rusty bit his lip. "Catherine and Henry have asked if Gus and I want to come over to spend the weekend with them and Sophie."

"Oh…" Sharon let those words sink in for a little bit. "Like, spend the night?"

Rusty nodded. "I don't know what to think. I don't want things to end up like they did with my father when I went to spend the weekend with him…"

They both remembered Rusty coming home beaten and bruised and Sharon shook her head. "Honey, Catherine and Henry are nothing like Daniel. And you don't have to tell them about your past if you don't want to. It is your choice to share as much or as little as you want. They can't make you." Sharon held her son's eyes. "And for what it's worth, I don't think they'd love you any less if they knew."

Rusty nervously smiled. "So you think I should go?"

"Yes," Sharon nodded. "You should go. It'll be good for everyone."

"Even for you?" Rusty sounded uncertain.

"Yes, especially for me," Sharon answered. "You're not the only one still remembering how things went with your father, Rusty. Seeing you with Sophie and your grandparents is helping me see that there are people in your family who are better than your father or mother."

"Ok." Rusty took his cell phone out of his pocket. "I'll text Sophie to let her know Gus and I are coming."

"I've got to go to work," Sharon said and left a quick kiss on the top of Rusty's head. "I'll call you later, ok?"

"Sure. Have a good day, Mom."

"You too, honey."

Sharon grabbed her keys by the door, dropped her shoes to the floor, stepped into them and then swung her bag over her shoulder. She rode the elevator down to the parking lot, checked her phone before getting behind the wheel and felt a pang of disappointment when she saw Brenda hadn't answered yet. She started the engine, switched to her favourite morning radio talk show and drove off into the early morning Los Angeles sunrise.

When she got to Parker Centre Sharon made her way to the Murder Room and found Amy and Julio already setting up the Murder Board. Mike was already on his way to court and Amy said she wasn't needed till lunchtime. Provenza then informed Sharon that the autopsy was planned for eleven that morning and he double checked to make sure Sharon would attend herself or whether he would go in her place. Sharon knew her Lieutenant wouldn't think less of her if she chose to send him down to the morgue instead but she declined his offer nevertheless and silently vowed to herself, upon remembering the smell from the previous night, to dab some Vicks under her nose.

It turned out their victim was Jonas Walker and they also learnt that he was supposed to be a counsellor to the super rich and famous. Sharon could feel the net tightening around them; the rich and famous were not known for working well with the police. It meant they would have to pull every resource to find out who had wanted their victim dead and she had a terrible feeling that the list was going to be rather extensive.

Just before eleven o'clock Sharon headed for the elevator, pressed the button for the basement and watched as the doors slid shut. Her heart pounded in her chest as she watched the digits above the door light up in reverse order. The doors swung open and revealed the little waiting area outside the morgue. Sharon had spent many hours down here over the years. She still hated coming here.

Her phone rang and she checked the caller ID before answering. For a moment she froze, contemplating to ignore the call or at least send it to voicemail. But then she changed her mind and answered.

"Nicole?" she asked. "What can I do for you? If you're looking for your father…"

"No," Andy's daughter answered before Sharon could finish. "Sharon, I was hoping to speak to you."

"Oh."

"Dad told me what happened. He called me last night and told me you guys broke up. Took me a little while but I finally got him to confess to his dirty little secret. He told me everything."

Sharon tightened her grip on the phone. "He did?"

"Sharon, I'm so sorry this happened. I should have seen it coming. I just should have. Did he ever tell you what he did that caused my mother to divorce him? Besides the drinking and the endless broken promises, I mean," Nicole answered and Sharon could hear the bitterness in the younger woman's voice. "He did exactly the same thing to her. It's like he can't keep a good thing going somehow. He always has to ruin it."

"Nicole, I don't know what to say other than that I wish things had gone different, for everyone," Sharon answered. "And your father isn't a bad man. He just makes poor choices."

"No amount of AA is ever going to fix the selfish side of him," Nicole agreed. "I was just going to call you and leave a message but I'm glad I actually spoke to you. I… I yelled at Dad when he told me because he was so stupid. And I thought you had to know. Had to hear it from someone else."

"Know what?"

"It's not you. It's him."

Sharon sighed and looked up when she heard someone tapping against a window. Morales' face had appeared behind the round window in the door leading to the autopsy room and he was beckoning for Sharon to come in. She focused her attention back on the phone and said, "Nicole, I have to go. I am about to go into an autopsy. Thank you for calling and maybe we can talk another time?"

"Of course," Nicole answered. "You should get back to work. I just wanted to tell you... Well, what I've just told you. Take care of yourself."

"You too," Sharon answered and then she hung up.

She picked a gown from the hook by the door and put it on over her clothes. She covered her shoes with the little plastic foot covers, wrestled her hands into a pair of rubber gloves and put on the little paper hat to both protect her hair as well as to stop any stray hairs from falling onto the body and contaminating the evidence. From behind her dark rimmed glassed she looked at Morales.

"Initial guess on cause of death?"

Morales pointed a gloved index finger on some remnants of white foam around the mouth. "My first guess is drowning." He wrinkled his nose. "Where did you find this guy?"

"Sewage drain just off Sepulveda," Sharon answered.

"He smells like he was there for a while. Exposure to water makes estimating time of death difficult," Morales answered. "Decomp suggests maybe six or seven days ago but it could be less."

"Amy and Julio are working on a timeline," Sharon answered. "Once we have something a little more concrete it may help you determine time of death." She took a step closer but still kept a safe distance from the body on the table. "You said drowning... Can you tell if it was in the actual sewage?"

"Once I get to his lungs, I should be able to," Morales answered. He looked at Sharon as he picked up his scalpel. "You might want to take a step back, Captain. Floaters are always extra gassy." He jerked his head towards the bench behind her. "Vicks is on the top shelf."

Sharon didn't hesitate and found the jar, removed the lid and dabbed some of the menthol scented stuff under her nose. She then turned back towards the autopsy table and watched with a steel expression as Morales sliced through the leathery, bruised skin and moments later reached into the open chest to lift out the organs.

It turned out that the cause of death was indeed drowning but the water in the victim's lungs did not match the dirty sewage water he had been found in. Morales commented that it smelt like chlorine and Sharon suggested a swimming pool. With that knowledge in mind she returned to the Murder Room to find Julio flanked by Provenza as they continued to fit the timeline together. Amy had gone to court and Mike wasn't back yet. Buzz came out of the media room just as Sharon walked in.

"Captain, we've collected all the surveillance footage from the area surrounding the sewage drain but…"

Sharon looked at him. "What?"

Provenza took a deep breath. "The water flows downstream."

Sharon slowly turned towards the board and shook her head. "So, the spot where he was found was probably not the spot where he was thrown in."

"No, Ma'am," Julio answered slowly. "He could have been dumped miles away and spent the last week or so floating down stream."

Sharon's eyes narrowed and a feeling of frustration kicked in. "And our crime scene just became a whole lot bigger."


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, ya'll are not imagining things. There really is a new chapter already!

Sharon waited outside Dr McCrory's office until it was exactly ten o'clock and then she knocked. She hadn't been here since her first counseling session a few days ago and she'd considered rejecting the invitation for a second session, since it wasn't mandatory, but that morning she had changed her mind. The by now familiar voice called her in and Sharon stepped into McCrory's office.

Just like the last time, McCrory wore jeans but instead of a button down shirt he now wore a long sleeved dark blue Marco Polo shirt and brown leather shoes. He had a notebook and pen in his lap and followed Sharon with his eyes as she made her way around his office and sat down in the chair in front of him. She knew that between her opening the door and sitting down, he had been able to read her body language and silent cues. There would be very little left to hide.

"Good morning," he said. "I have to admit that I wasn't expecting to see you today, Captain."

"The feeling is mutual," Sharon admitted.

McCrory picked up the pen but didn't write. "Why?"

Sharon looked at him. "Why what?"

"Why didn't you think you'd come today?"

"It's been…." Sharon tried to find the right words. "It's been a crazy week."

"Watching someone commit suicide in front of you does leave an impact," McCrory agreed but he looked at Sharon a little more closely. "But something tells me that isn't the only reason you're here."

Sharon looked down at her hands, glanced at her watch. Two minutes past ten. She had another fifty-eight minutes to talk about all the thoughts in her head. Or she could choose to say nothing. She hadn't fully decided which when she walked in here. She heaved a sigh and then said; "Do you ever find yourself realising that a person you thought you knew turns out to be nothing like you thought?"

"That can be a startling realisation," McCrory replied and shifted a little in his seat. He still held the pen but he didn't write. "Do you want to talk about this some more?"

"I remember telling Rusty once that there is always a little voice in the back of your mind. Sometimes it's just a whisper, sometimes it screams at you. I told him that this is instinct and we have to listen to it," Sharon began. "But I didn't listen, chose to ignore it. All the hesitations and reservations I had…I should have listened to that voice inside of me because it turns out, it never lies."

"What did it say?"

"To be careful. To think about what I was doing. I felt so uncertain when this relationship first started. Did I really want to be with someone who carried to much baggage already? I didn't judge him for it because I knew it made him the man he is today but it turns out that some things just never change. And I knew. I knew and I didn't listen to my own inner voice."

"This man…"

"Andy," Sharon answered. "He is… was… my boyfriend. Partner. Whatever you want to call it. I feel too old for the words girlfriend and boyfriend." She shook her head. "Anyway, he cheated. In one of the worst ways. And he lied about it." She swallowed. "I thought I knew him, I thought I knew the person he had become after all the hard work he put in to changing after almost losing everything. But then it turns out that he still can't help himself." She slowly looked up. "Why do people turn out to be so much different than we think at first?"

McCrory contemplated Sharon's words for a little while before answering. "How about when we turn that question around?" he asked, causing the brunette Captain to look up at him. "You watched Andy as he changed from someone you knew to someone you no longer recognise. How about someone you didn't know, not really anyway, and they become someone else in front of your eyes? Is that any different? Or does it simply highlight that people are capable of change, both for worse or for better?" He paused for a moment. "Do you know what I mean?"

Sharon thought of Brenda. "Yes, I think I do." Then her thoughts drifted to Rusty. He fitted that description too. She smiled. "I think I know more than one."

"Your son," McCrory concluded. He looked down at the notepad in his lap. "How are things with him?"

"He's doing well. He recently found out he has a sister and has been spending time with her," Sharon answered. "I met with her and her family recently and they are lovely people. Hard to imagine considering the mother those two children have. Rusty will be spending the weekend with them which, for him and for me, is a big thing after how disastrous his getting to know his biological father went. For Rusty to even consider staying with them after what happened…"

"Not just for Rusty. For you too," McCrory highlighted. He looked at Sharon with those kind hazel eyes. "It's a big thing, trusting everything to be alright, Sharon. No one blames you if you're unsure about some things."

Sharon nodded and leaned back into her seat. "Sometimes I just worry that…." She didn't finish the sentence.

"Sometimes you worry about what?" McCrory pressed.

"That no matter how much I do things right, somewhere I'll always end up doing something wrong. Like I can complete the puzzle and there is still a piece missing," Sharon reluctantly admitted.

"No one ever gets it right all the time, Sharon."

Sharon didn't answer and the silence that fell between her and McCrory lasted several minutes before the Doctor eventually spoke again, directing the conversation back to the original reason Sharon had come to see him and asking her if she was experiencing any nightmares or flashbacks to the event. She denied having nightmares, since they weren't about the shooting, and she gave the text book answers she knew councillors expected to hear. There were some benefits to having written some of the manuals used by the LAPD herself.

When her watch ticked over to eleven o'clock, Sharon stood up, smoothed over her clothes and shook McCrory's hand. "Thank you, Doctor," she said, a smile firmly in place. "I'll see you again."

"Will you?" he questioned her as she started for the door.

"In court, I'm sure," Sharon smiled. She turned in the open door. "But you won't be seeing me back in here."

Sharon closed the door behind her and made her way to the elevators. She pressed the button, waited for the doors to close and released a ragged breath. The energy that coursed through her body didn't really have a cause but when she reached the Murder Room, Sharon felt lighter than she had felt in days. She turned to the Murder Board to find their victim's timeline had been completed and Mike had been able to track him down to a villa in the suburbs. It looked idyllic in the pictures and although they weren't certain it was their crime scene, Mike said, "It was the last spot he was seen and it has a swimming pool."

~()~

Sharon worked till after seven and was the last to leave the Murder Room, switching off the lights and waving to the janitor as she left. She searched for her cell phone in her bag as she rode the elevator down to the parking lot and put it on hands free as she got behind the wheel. She selected a number from her favourites list and as she put the car in reverse, the sound of the dial tone filled the car. Moments later, a woman's voice answered.

"Hey, Sharon."

"Hi, Lou." Sharon was the only one who called her sister that. Or, in fact, she was the only one who could get away with calling her that because Louise would throttle anyone who called her by that nickname. But somehow she had accepted it of Sharon and Sharon used every opportunity she got to remind her.

"How are things?" Louise wanted to know. Sharon heard what sounded like plates and glasses being stacked into a dishwasher and guessed she had caught her sister at the end of dinner time. "Have you spoken to Mom and Dad recently?"

"If with recently you mean last Christmas, then no," Sharon answered. Neither she nor Louise were close to their parents. The relationship was strained at best and Sharon had gotten used to just having them in her life in a minimal sort of way. Her parents, with their Catholic background, had at first disapproved of her marrying Jack and then again of her separating from him. She hadn't even told them she was now officially divorced. The last thing she needed was to be the reason her mother had a heart attack.

"I think Dad is sick," Louise said. "Mom called last week."

"Mom called you?" Sharon asked. "I'm surprised she even knows how to use a phone. Or remembered your number."

"You did tell her it could be found next to the number of the Beast," Louise chuckled. "She didn't call you?"

"Mom never calls me. That's how I know things are alright and no one's dead." Sharon put on her blinker to signal she was turning right and joined the flow of traffic heading out of the city. "What did she say about Dad?"

"Just that he went to see the Doctor. Something to do with his heart."

Sharon grinned to herself. "I'm surprised the Doctor found he actually has a heart. Did she say it was serious?"

"You know Mom. Everything is always a drama. She cuts herself with a knife and she supposedly ended up in the ER needing stitches. I don't think it's as bad as she made it out to be." There was a pause. "She asked about you."

Sharon tightened her grip on the steering wheel. "What did she say?"

"She asked about you and Jack. Apparently a little birdie told her you got a divorce."

"Oh, shit."

"She found out after Anne died. Apparently Jack told her himself."

Sharon shook her head. "Jack Raydor. The gift that keeps on giving." She sighed. "I suppose I will have to give her a call now."

"Probably," Louise agreed. "Anyway, now that we've got the bad news out of the way… How are you?"

"Oh the bad news is far from over," Sharon dryly answered. "Let's see… Andy cheated on me and we broke up, Rusty found his biological family and now everyone is wondering how this whole family thing fits together and to finish it off, some kid blew his brains out right in front of me."

"Your sarcasm tells me you're struggling more than you're letting on," Louise broke through her sister's defences straight away. "I was so sorry to hear about Anne and Sharon, now all of this, too? Andy, really? I thought he was the sweetest soul. I didn't think he had it in him to do something like that."

"Well, neither did I. Turns out we were both wrong." Sharon came to a stop in front of a red traffic light four blocks from the condo. "Some days I can barely believe the direction my life has taken. Just when you think you've got it all figured out…"

"Tell me about it," Louise lamented. "So, what are you going to do about Andy? You two work together, right?"

"Not anymore. I had him transferred out of Major Crimes for everyone's sake. I think it's better if we see as little of each other as possible." The light changed to green and Sharon turned left. "So, for now anyway, this is how things are. Andy is the least of my concerns now. I am worried about Rusty and this whole new family thing."

"I understand. Are you worried about your position as his mother? Because that's what you are, in case you've forgotten."

"No, it's not about me. I remember how reluctant and scared Rusty was when he first found out about his biological father. That whole thing turned out to be a disaster and it scarred him. I just don't want him getting hurt again and it's difficult to have to stand by and watch, knowing that it is a possible outcome, no matter how unlikely."

"So kind of the way you felt when Emily told you she wanted to move to New York to pursue her ballet career? You were so worried she wouldn't make it and would see her dreams crushed before her eyes. And now look at her! Last I checked she was dancing somewhere in Paris or Milan and she's done well for herself. Sometimes, you just need to have a little bit of faith."

"It's not hard to see why you went into teaching," Sharon smiled and slowed down the car as she drove into the building's parking lot. She pulled into her regular spot and switched off the engine. "I just got home. Do you think I should call Mom tonight?"

"Give it another day or two. If she still hasn't called you then, call her. It's probably nothing more than a cold or something," Louise said and Sharon could hear the smile in her sister's voice. "Right, I have homework to check and some stuff to sort out. We really need to find time to get together, Sharon. It's been forever since I saw you last. I hardly remember what you look like."

"Just look in the mirror. I'm the prettier version of you," Sharon joked and she got out of the car and held the phone against her ear. "I'll call you next week and we'll work something out. Goodnight. I love you."

"I love you too. Night, Sharon."

Sharon slipped her keys and phone in her pocket and made her way through the lobby to the elevator. A few minutes later she stepped out on her floor, fished the keys back out of her pocket and unlocked the door. The second it opened she heard a sound she knew was uncommon in the condo; the sound of a sports game. Rusty didn't watch sports and Sharon only watched when the Dodgers were playing, which wasn't tonight. A sense of dread settled in her stomach as she dropped her keys in the bowl and pushed the door shut with her heel. Rusty came flying into the hallway before she even had a chance to put down her purse.

"Sharon, he just turned up. He asked if he could see you and I… He seemed sober so I didn't say no. But if you want him to leave I will throw him out myself," Rusty sounded exasperated. "I am so sorry."

Sharon glanced past her son into the living room. "Jack."

"Sharon," Jack said, putting the emphasis on the 'ro' of her name the way he always did. He stood up from the couch and walked his way over to his ex-wife, extending his arms as if to embrace her. Sharon took a quick step back and defensively crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"What are you doing here?" she wanted to know.

"I heard what happened," Jack said and leaned in a little. "With Andy," he added with a whisper. "I thought maybe you could do with a shoulder to.. You know…"

Sharon arched an eyebrow. "What?"

"Cry on."

"Even if I did feel like that, your shoulder wouldn't be the one I'd seek out," Sharon quickly retorted. "Which brings me back to my earlier question, why are you here?" Her eyes narrowed a little. "What do you want?"

She was acutely aware that the last time she and Jack had seen each other had been in this very room. It had been emotional and heart-breaking and soul destroying but Sharon had moved past it. One look at Jack told her he had done the same. He looked well groomed, confident and it seemed he had lost a few pounds too. She didn't miss the expensive jacket he was wearing or the shiny golden bracelet around his wrist. The signs of a man who had recently come into money - and had probably already spent most of it too. Yet Sharon also saw the lines across his face, the ones that were a little deeper than before; marks of grief left behind after the loss of his mother and finding a new way of living without Anne in his life. Sharon could relate to the loneliness and confusion Jack undoubtedly felt but she also knew she was not the one he should be sharing those feelings with.

"Young Mr Beck here was kind enough to let me in when one of my journeys led me to your front door," Jack grinned and glanced at Rusty. The blonde boy was as wary as his mother of Jack's presence but Jack didn't seem to notice. "I hope you don't mind but I've brought dinner."

"You've been here an hour and it's Chinese food. It's probably cold now," Rusty interjected and glanced at Sharon.

"Nothing a microwave can't fix," Jack answered and started for the kitchen.

Rusty turned to Sharon. "I should have sent him away. Sharon, I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry, Rusty. You did nothing wrong," Sharon reassured her son and put a hand on his arm. "Jack only does what Jack wants. He would have talked his way into the condo one way or another. Question is; why is he here?"

"Because of you and Andy?" Rusty tried and Sharon slowly nodded.

"Probably. But how does he know?" Rusty scratched the back of his head and Sharon fixed him with a stare. "What did you say?"

"Nothing!" Rusty defended himself "But when I was leaving Parker Centre earlier, I heard the two officers at the front desk talk about it. And if they know…."

Sharon sighed. "Then everyone knows. Including lawyers and their associates." She gently pulled Rusty along to the kitchen and made sure to keep him close to her as she approached Jack. "I know you're here because Andy and I have split up. Whatever you're thinking… forget it." She set her jaw and put an emphasis on those last words.

"Sharon, did you really think I would come here to abuse the fact you had your heart broken?" Jack asked, feigning innocence and Sharon turned away.

"It's not like she would be interested anyway," Rusty muttered under his breath, loud enough for only Jack to hear.

"Let me make one thing quite clear," Sharon said as she spooned some of the food onto her plate and put it in the microwave. "Whatever you think was going to happen, it's not. We can have dinner. We can talk like the civilised adults we are. But then you will go home, wherever that may be, and our lives will carry on. Understood?"

Jack seemed a little crestfallen and Rusty watched with a bemused smile as he nodded.

Moments later the three of them sat around the dining table. Rusty had poured them all a glass of water and Jack had gotten forks, spoons and knives from the drawer and laid the table. He switched off the TV – nudging Rusty as he said "does she still hate it when that thing is on at dinner time?"- and sat down in the seat across from Sharon, leaving Rusty to sit at the head of the table.

"So, young man, how are things in your life?" Jack directed himself to Rusty. "Are you and Gus still together?"

Rusty nodded. "Yep. Sure are."

"Good. At least one relationship around here still stands." Jack put a forkful of noodles in his mouth and then looked back at Sharon. "For what it's worth, Sharon, Andy is an idiot."

Sharon put down her spoon. "Jack…"

"He didn't appreciate the wonderful, smart, kind and generous woman he had in his life. Instead he went off with some lowlife call girl when he already had the most beautiful woman he could ever have wanted," Jack continued. "Andy really sold himself short, Sharon. And I'd know. Because I did too."

Sharon opened her mouth to answer but words failed her in that moment. And it seemed Jack wasn't quite finished with his flattery.

"I just want someone to appreciate you, Sharon," he continued. "For someone to respect you just because of who you are."

"I think someone already does," Rusty said as he stared down into his plate of rice.

"I don't mean you," Jack said as he glanced at the boy. Rusty didn't look up.

He hadn't meant himself either.

Sharon smiled a little shyly and quickly changed the subject. "So, how is work?"

"Good," Jack said, keen to start talking now that the subject of conversation had come back to him. "I made a promotion, won my last four cases…" He smiled. "Things are going well."

"A promotion that pays for the Armani jacket and the expensive jewellery," Sharon commented and noticed the way Jack averted her eyes. A quiet tell-tale sign she had come to know better than anyone over the years. She needn't ask any further. The money that had paid for these items hadn't come from his pay check but from a win.

"I got lucky," was all Jack said.

Sharon put down her spoon and sipped from her water. "This time."

Jack attempted to keep the conversation going and Sharon gave him just enough to let him believe she was interested and playing his game. At the same time she felt for him. What was it like knowing there was nowhere else to go other than his ex-wife's house in the hope she would somehow make up with him because her boyfriend had cheated? She knew Jack still carried a torch for her and she respected him because he was the father of her children but that was as far as it was ever going to go.

Her phone vibrated and she checked it. The text message was from Brenda.

_I hear there is this great new movie on Netflix. How about we watch it this weekend?_

Sharon smiled and typed her reply. She had been meaning to call Brenda about her plans for the weekend anyway. It seemed Brenda had the same thought. _Rusty is spending the weekend at Sophie's so sounds good to me. FYI, Jack is here. Just turned up._

She hit send and almost immediately the little speech bubbles appeared indicating Brenda was typing a reply. A few seconds went by and then Brenda's reply appeared on Sharon's screen.

_OMG really? Do you need me to call you and pretend to be Provenza so you can say you rolled out?_

Sharon couldn't suppress a snort at Brenda's suggestion. Ever the brilliant mind, she thought. _It's all good. I can handle Jack. He's harmless. I'll call you tomorrow._

"Who's she texting?" Jack whispered as he leaned into Rusty.

"Smiling like that?" Rusty said. "Probably Brenda." He gave Jack a look. "They're close." There was a pause. "Not that it's any of your business who she's texting, by the way."

Jack raised his hands in surrender. "Just showing an interest in her life, that's all."

"First time for everything," Sharon quipped as she put her phone down and carried on eating.

"So, do you want to watch a movie or something after dinner?" Jack asked and Sharon could just sense his desperation for her to not send him away. She pitied him and avoided looking at Rusty.

"I have homework." It seemed Rusty had his own ideas about what he thought Jack should do.

"I don't really have time for a movie but you can finish watching the game," Sharon suggested. "I have some work I need to finish up." She put the last bite of chicken in her mouth and swallowed it down with some water. "Or you could use your evening to check in with your children. It's been a while since they heard your voice."

Sharon's words were followed by a somewhat uncomfortable silence as Rusty stood up to clear away the plates. He then excused himself and disappeared into his bedroom. Jack watched him leave and once the door had closed, he turned to look at Sharon.

"Did I do something to offend that boy?"

"He is just protective, that's all," Sharon came to Rusty's defence. "There's been a lot going on around here and I think Rusty is just worried that you're going to make it worse."

"How could I possibly do that?"

"Do you remember the last time you were here?" Sharon retorted and watched how Jack's face fell. He did remember and she knew it. "You can't blame Rusty for being a little on edge around you now. You're a recovering gambling addict and an alcoholic, Jack. Of course he is going to be worried about me."

"He didn't seem too worried about you around Andrew Flynn," Jack interjected and Sharon sighed. "You know, I always thought there was something about him. Maybe it was just the way he always used to chew on those horrible toothpicks. God, I heard some stories about Andy Flynn back in the day."

"And he heard plenty about you," Sharon reminded her ex-husband. "I have a feeling those stories all sort of sound the same."

She put the glasses in the dishwasher and switched it on before wiping her hands on a tea towel and following Jack into the living room. He sat down on the couch and Sharon walked over to her desk. Jack picked up the remote and switched the TV back on. The sports presenter's voice filled the living room moments later and Sharon realised he was watching football.

"Last quarter," Jack said. "I'll be out of your way soon."

Sharon watched him from over the rim of her glasses for a few moments before opening one of the files that she had left on her desk the previous day. She was still signing off paperwork filled in by her detectives on the crime scene and she needed all the papers by the next morning to add to the casefile.

"Please tell me you don't have a bet on this match," Sharon said when she noticed the way Jack's fist clenched when she heard the word 'touchdown' being yelled. He just turned to her and smiled and she knew he would never admit it to her face. He didn't need to. His physical tells were obvious enough. Sharon shook her head and looked down at her paperwork.

"Sharon?" Jack said maybe ten minutes later. The game had finished and he switched off the TV. She looked up. He had his back turned to her, the remote still in his hand but he reached to put it on the coffee table.

"Hmmm?"

"I wanted to apologise for what happened that night," Jack said. He didn't look at her. Instead he looked down at his hands. He had never been the kind of guy to make eye contact when he admitted his wrongdoings. "The way I came in, yelling at you like that… It was wrong."

"You were grief stricken."

"That's not an excuse."

"No, it's not. But it means I understand," Sharon softly answered. "I was grief stricken too."

"But to have Andy, Brenda and Rusty see that…" Jack shifted in his seat, fumbled with the sleeve of his shirt. Still he could not bring himself to look at Sharon. "I feel like I need to apologise to them too. And I know the things I said about Andy earlier… I know he is an asshole, always has been, but he did take me to an AA meeting that night. He could have left me on some street corner and walked away but he didn't. I know he was a good man, Sharon. But good men make mistakes."

"I know," Sharon answered and kind green eyes fixed on the man she had once loved as much as life itself. The man she saw now was not the man she had once loved so fiercely. She loved him differently now. "Believe me, Jack, I know."

"That night changed a lot of things, Sharon. But what it changed for me most of all was that I realised I had truly lost you," Jack admitted. "And that is something I should have realised twenty years ago, but I didn't. And I didn't just lose my mother, I lost you too. All that loss, that grief, came at me all at once. And I am so sorry for coming here, into your home, and forcing you to say those things to me."

"They needed to be said, Jack. And you needed to hear them," Sharon said softly. She knew the words she had yelled at him that night had been harsh but she meant what she said; they had been the emotions she had kept bottled up for far longer than she should have and somehow that explosion had changed everything between them.

She watched as Jack stood up. He walked over to the desk and stopped there. Their eyes met and he reached out his hand. Sharon took it, let their fingers intertwine. And then Jack smiled. It was a sad smile but a sincere one and Sharon knew he meant it.

"Goodnight, Sharon," he said softly and leaned in, kissing her gently on her forehead. "Take care of yourself."

She let his hand slide out of hers and watched silently as Jack walked to the door. He opened it and stepped out into the brightly lit hallway. He turned around and caught her looking at him.

"Goodbye, Jack," she quietly said and with a lump in her throat she watched as he closed the door. With a soft 'click' it fell into its lock and then all there was, was silence.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here. We are so sorry for the delay but life is crazy and so much is happening. But we see all your messages and comments and they mean the world.

After Jack's unexpected visit, Sharon spent the whole of Friday at work. Their case hit rock bottom when every lead led to a dead end and every suspect had a rock solid alibi and Sharon wondered if this was going to be another one of those cases that would remain forever unsolved until a cold case squad had a look at it twenty years from now. Sometimes there were just cases where it didn't matter how hard she tried to put the pieces together, they just didn't fit. It was what she found most challenging about being a police officer and when she looked around the Murder Room that Friday afternoon she watched every single one of her detectives at their desks in a desperate attempt to find a shred of evidence they had missed.

Sharon sighed. This wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. She knew a dead end when she saw one.

"Go home," she said and across the room, Provenza looked up in surprise.

"What?"

"Go home," Sharon repeated herself, knowing full well everyone had heard her the first time. "It's Friday. The pieces of this puzzle will still be here on Monday. Robbery/Homicide is on call this weekend. Please, just go home. Spend time with your family. Go see a movie, go out to dinner. Just…" She looked at the Murder Board. This was what they saw every day. This was their life. Death. Murder. Crime. Lies.

"Do something other than this."

"Are you sure, Captain?" Julio voiced everyone's moment of hesitation. Sharon nodded.

"Sometimes you just need to take a step back," she answered. "This is that time."

She watched as her detectives logged out of their computers and filed away their paperwork. She could tell they weren't trying to show it but she could still sense their relief that they were calling it a day. A job like theirs came with sacrifices; there was little time for family and friends and Sharon knew better than anyone what the job did to personal relationships.

She was the last to leave the Murder Room after switching off the overhead lights and drove home with the beginnings of a headache. By the time she reached the condo it had turned into a full grown migraine and after taking two Advil and drinking a glass of water, Sharon changed into her pyjamas, abandoning her skirt and jacket on the floor, and crawled into bed. She didn't fully become aware of the exhaustion in her body until she lay her aching head down on the pillow and closed her eyes, eventually drifting off into a quiet sleep.

When she woke the next morning, it was almost eight am and Sharon was surprised she had slept that long without even waking once. Sunlight fell through a small gap in the curtains and she allowed herself a few quiet moments in bed, safe in the knowledge she didn't have to get up for work. She still had that post-migraine heavy feeling in her head, the kind that would take a day or so to clear, and she softly massaged her temples and ran her fingers across her scalp. It did little to nothing to ease away the discomfort. After a little while, once the thoughts in her head about work became too loud, Sharon got out of bed and padded into the living room where she found Rusty packing the last few items into a weekend bag. He turned around when he heard her come in.

"Feeling better?" he inquired and Sharon just looked at him. Rusty smiled. "I came home around nine last night and you left the lights on. I peeked behind your door but you were asleep." He searched her face and saw the remnants of the migraine etched across her features. He needn't say anything else. "That bad, eh?"

Sharon nodded. "That bad."

"You should go and take a shower. I'll make you something to eat and drink before I leave," Rusty promised and kissed her on her cheek before filing past her and disappearing into the kitchen.

The day after feeling that came with a migraine was almost as bad as the actual migraine. Sharon's head felt heavy and fuzzy and when she switched on the shower in her bathroom and stripped off, she let out a soft little groan. The tension still lingered in her muscles and today she felt her age, probably even ten years older. She stepped under the hot flowing water and tilted her head back, letting the warm water rain down on her face. The hot steam and the steady pounding of the water slowly erased the remnants of her migraine and Sharon's muscles slowly relaxed.

She wrapped herself up in a towel when she stepped out of the shower, brushed her teeth and applied some moisturiser, paying particular attention to the lines around her eyes and mouth. She dried her hair with a towel, wrapped it around the wet auburn strands and walked into the bedroom where she selected a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt from her wardrobe. Sharon got dressed, hung the wet towels on the back of the bathroom door and barefoot, she made her way to the kitchen.

Rusty put the two slices of French toast on a plate and pushed it towards her. Sharon spotted the glass of orange juice and box of Advil and inwardly smiled. Rusty knew her all too well.

"Are you excited about this weekend?" she asked him.

He had his back turned towards her but she could still tell that he tensed up. "Yeah."

"But…?"

"Sometimes I just worry," Rusty answered and turned around. His eyes found his mother's and Sharon could see the hesitation. Her heart ached for him. He had been hurt too many times before. She understood his reservations. "Do you remember what happened the last time I went to stay with a member of my biological family for the weekend? I came back with a black eye and a fat lip."

"Sophie and her grandparents are nothing like Daniel," Sharon reassured him. She reached out to touch his hand. "If it helps… When Daniel came into our lives, my intuition told me something was wrong. I didn't listen because I wanted you to have the opportunity to find out for yourself. I regret that decision to this day." She paused and sighed. "My intuition is telling me a different story this time, Rusty."

He smiled. Sharon wasn't sure if her words had reassured him enough but the frown on his face had faded and for now, at least, that was enough. She finished off the rest of her breakfast in silence as Rusty meandered around the kitchen and living room wondering what had happened to his phone charger and headphones. Sharon eventually found them at the bottom of the fruit bowl and handed them to him, ruffling his hair as she walked past him.

"What are your plans this weekend? You're not working, are you?" Rusty asked.

Sharon shook her head and checked her watch. It was half past nine. "I'm meeting Brenda to go shopping for your birthday." A smile tugged at the corners of her lips when she noticed the way Rusty suddenly seemed even more interested. "We're going to the Grove and then I really need to go and get some groceries because I have no idea how long that milk's been in the fridge."

"I poured it down the drain this morning. It smelt like it had been there quite a while," Rusty commented. "So, what about my birthday present?"

Sharon smirked. "What about it?"

"Are you going to tell me what it is?"

"I don't even know what I'm going to get you. And even if I did…" Sharon's smile widened. "I still wouldn't tell you."

A rapid triple knocking sound, something Sharon had come to associate with Brenda, prevented Rusty from saying something in return and Sharon let out a giggle as she went to answer the door. Brenda stood outside, her trusted tote over her shoulder and dressed in faded jeans and a white t-shirt that hung off her right shoulder, revealing a bra strap. She'd tied her curls into a messy ponytail and she looked up at Sharon and saw her smiling.

"What're you laughin' at?" she asked as she walked into the condo.

"Rusty trying to get me to tell him what I'm buying him for his birthday."

Brenda grinned. "I'll just buy you a trashy souvenir in DC. How's that? You still wanna go?" She briefly glanced at Sharon and the older woman nodded. "I talked to a friend of mine. She's out of town next week and won't mind if we stay at her place. She has this gorgeous brownstone in Georgetown."

"Awesome!" Rusty beamed and Sharon could see the genuine joy in his eyes.

"I'm going to have a hard time beating a trip to DC," Sharon joked. "But I'll try."

"All I want is to share my birthday with you," Rusty grinned. "But if you feel compelled to buy me a present…"

"Just get yourself out of here or you'll miss your bus," Sharon warned him and wrapped her arms around her son before kissing his head. Rusty seemed to almost want to melt into the embrace a little deeper and Sharon could feel how the tension still coursed through his body. She brought her mouth closer to his ear and whispered, "You're going to be ok. Look how far you've come. I am so proud of you."

"Thanks, mom," Rusty said as he stepped back. He picked up his bag, swung it over his shoulder and gave Brenda a high five as he walked past her. He winked and smiled. "See ya later, alligator."

"In a while, crocodile," Brenda grinned.

Sharon followed her son to the door and watched as he walked down the corridor to the elevator. Then she quietly closed the door and let out a sigh. She had tried to be optimistic in front of Rusty and she had no intention of ever telling him about her own hesitations but in this moment, as he rode the elevator down to the parking lot, she felt the same way she did the night he had gone out for dinner with Daniel. She felt a sadness for which she didn't quite have words because no words seemed to fit.

"This isn't going to change anything," Brenda softly said behind her and Sharon turned around, startled. She found the blonde leaning against the wall, her brown eyes lingering on Sharon.

"I know," Sharon answered and she walked back into the living room to get her purse and her keys. "I'm not even sure why I'm feeling this way but I guess I just can't help it."

"I won't undermine your feelings by saying I understand. I'm not a parent," Brenda said as she watched Sharon gather her belongings so they could go out. Her gaze lingered a moment too long on the curves of Sharon's hips and she forced herself to look away when she felt her heart skip a beat. "Rusty is a smart kid, Sharon."

"That he is," Sharon agreed and she reappeared beside Brenda with her purse and phone in her hand. She mentally told herself that she wasn't going to talk about this any further as Rusty deserved the opportunity to enjoy this weekend and Sharon didn't want her own worrying thoughts distracting her from the thought of him being happy. She smiled as she looked up at Brenda. "Your car or mine?"

"I'll drive," Brenda offered and fished her keys out of her tote. As always, Sharon marvelled over the fact Brenda managed to find anything at all in that bag, let alone within three seconds. Still smiling, Sharon locked the condo door behind them and the two women made their way down to the parking lot.

Brenda got behind the wheel and stuck the key in the ignition. Instantly the radio came on and the blonde's hand flew down to the volume control and turned it, rather violently. She was fast but not fast enough and several notes of loud country music filled Sharon's ears before being reduced to a more acceptable level. She shook her head and shot Brenda a glance.

"How have your ear drums not burst yet if you listen to music at this volume all the time?"

"Not all the time," Brenda defended herself. "Just…." She shrugged as she reversed the car out of its parking spot and checked her rear view mirror. "Most of the time."

"So, how's life at the office?" Sharon asked as Brenda drove the car into Los Angeles' morning traffic before picking up the signs for The Grove. She leaned back in her seat as the first set of traffic lights in front of them turned to red as they approached and Brenda swore under her breath.

When the light changed to green and Brenda managed to overtake the driver in front of them who, according to her anyway, drove like he should have been arrested for a DUI, she turned to Sharon. "Life at the office? What is life at any office like?"

"Nothing ever changes?" Sharon asked and Brenda nodded. "Unless you're in my office, I suppose."

"How does it feel not having Andy around?"

"Strange, at times. I keep expecting to see him. And not because I want to but because… I am so used to seeing him," Sharon sighed. She shook her head. "Jack showed up last night."

"No way. What did he want?"

"If you ask me, his first intention was to try and get back with me. But then, after a while, he actually said how much of a fool Andy is for screwing up." Sharon glanced out of the window as the familiar views of Los Angeles flashed by outside. This city had very much become her home. For all the ugliness it had given her, it had given her plenty of beautiful things too.

"He is, you know," Brenda said after a silence that had lasted maybe a few moments too long and Sharon turned to look at her. Brenda didn't take her eyes off the road and her grip on the wheel tightened when she felt Sharon's eyes on her. A shudder travelled down her spine.

"What?"

"Andy. He is a fool."

Sharon looked at Brenda for a moment longer before averting her eyes and folding her hands in her lap. "Or maybe I am."

The rest of the journey was in silence with the only sound coming from the country radio station playing a mix of classic hits that had Brenda drumming against the wheel and Sharon wondering how she had never realised just how much of a country girl Brenda really was. When they first met, Sharon had allowed her judgment to be momentarily impaired by the blonde's thick accent and hideous clothes. For a while she had perceived Brenda as nothing more than a loud Georgia hillbilly who felt like she owned everything and everyone around her. Now she knew she had been wrong. Brenda was still very much from Georgia, an accent like that was unmistakeable after all, but everything else Sharon had thought back then about the woman she now called her friend had been wrong.

Sharon wasn't the type to enjoy big malls and the Grove wasn't exactly her idea of a fun day out. She preferred the quiet side streets, the little markets people didn't know about, and the small coffee shops in narrow alleys, not the giant Starbucks on every street corner or the bright and noisy clothing stores that tried to appeal to the teenagers and young adults following the latest trends. But everyone in LA knew the Grove and everyone visiting LA somehow always ended up here and for the odd occasion, like Rusty's birthday, Sharon would make an exception and join the crowd of shoppers.

Brenda stopped at the second coffee bar they walked past and ordered one of their frozen drinks and Sharon, out of habit, just ordered tea. As they were waiting for their drinks she turned to Brenda. "So, this place in Washington…"

"It's brilliant. And Lindsey is out of town a lot for work, she's stationed overseas so she said we could stay pretty much anytime. It's a perfect opportunity to show Rusty around DC." She turned to look at Sharon. "You and I will have to share a room. And a bed. But that shouldn't be a problem. And it's cheaper than a hotel so…"

"I'm sure we'll manage," Sharon answered but her stomach did something strange and unexpected and when the barista handed her the Styrofoam cup with her tea, Sharon resisted the urge to instantly throw it in the trash.

"Do you know what you're getting Rusty?"

"What?" Sharon looked up, a little bewildered. She'd heard Brenda's voice but not a word of what she'd said.

"Rusty," Brenda clarified. "What are you getting him?"

"I have no idea. That's why you're here," Sharon answered. "This is the first time I have no idea what to buy for him."

"Then let's start there," Brenda said and jerked her head in the direction of a store that sold trendy and flashy t-shirts.

Sharon flinched as they entered the store and the loud dance music filled her ears. After a few seconds she managed to zone out the sound and looked around. Most of the clothes in here looked like they could be Rusty's style and when she focused back on Brenda she saw the blonde pull a shirt from a rack and hold it up to inspect it a little closer. Sharon's eyes lingered on Brenda a moment longer, and she was struck once again by the almost absurdity of their situation; it was still hard to believe that they were here now, as friends, when they had started out as enemies. And yet, right in this moment, there wasn't anyone Sharon wanted to spend her time with more than Brenda.

"How about this?" Brenda asked and showed Sharon the t-shirt. It was light blue with white writing on it. Sharon didn't really look at what it said but she was drawn to the picture on the shirt. It looked like ancient writing on a round stone and it looked strangely intriguing.

"Do you ever regret not having children?" The sentence rolled off her tongue without her fully realising it and Sharon's hand flew to her mouth in shock when Brenda looked up. She expected to see judgment in her eyes but instead she was met with sparkling brown eyes and a smile.

"Did I ever tell you the story of the time my niece Charlie made brownies filled with marijuana in my kitchen and I ended up eating them?" Brenda asked, still smiling. "I somehow doubt I am parenting material."

"Didn't your brother send Charlie to stay with you so she could straighten her life out?"

"Well, Daddy sure hoped so. An FBI Agent and a Deputy Chief. He hoped it would scare some sense into her…" Brenda's voice drifted off as her mind flashed back to the time she was still married to Fritz, trapped in her own web of lies and denial.

"It worked, didn't it? She went back to Atlanta and sorted out her life?" Sharon asked and Brenda shrugged.

"I guess."

"Do you see much of her these days?"

"Charlie? Hardly. She's got a career and she lives in the suburbs of Atlanta. I can't remember the last time she called."

Sharon put a hand on Brenda's arm. "And how do you think she ended up with that career in the first place? A few life lessons she learned in LA maybe?"

Brenda smiled and put the t-shirt she'd picked up in Sharon's hand before turning around and walking over to another rack of shirts. Sharon watched her walk away, watched the way Brenda's blonde hair moved with every step she took. Then she sighed, clutched the shirt a little tighter and became acutely aware of the heavy beat filling her ears. She started walking, caught up with Brenda and said, "I'll just get this one. It's a start at least."

They ended up buying Rusty another t-shirt from a different store and Sharon picked out a pair of Bluetooth headphones to go with Rusty's laptop and his trusted IPhone. Carrying the three bags, she felt a little more reassured she had gotten Rusty something she knew he would like as well as use and after they had a quick lunch, Brenda suggested they'd head back towards the condo.

"I need to get a few things from the grocery store. Are you alright to come?"

Brenda smirked. "I have nothing better to do."

"Gees that makes me feel loved."

Brenda felt her cheeks flush as she watched Sharon get in the car. The whole morning she had felt torn between wanting to be closer to the brunette and knowing she had to keep her distance. But it hadn't stopped her hands from wandering at times. A quick touch on Sharon's arm, her fingers briefly resting on her lower back, a caress of her wrist… And occasionally she would feel Sharon's hand on her arm or her shoulder had her breath caught in her throat every time.

Brenda got behind the wheel and moments later they left the Grove behind them and drove back in the direction of the condo. When they were waiting in front of a red light, Brenda shot Sharon a sideways glance. One subject had not come up throughout their morning together and Brenda decided to brave it.

"How's work?"

Sharon let out a groan and shook her head. Brenda didn't need any more than that.

"That bad?"

"Needle in a haystack case. Everyone's losing the will to live. I sent everyone home for the weekend."

Brenda whistled through her teeth. "That is bad."

"And there's an empty desk…"

"How is everyone coping with Andy not being there?" Brenda questioned. The light changed to green and the car started moving again.

"I think they all know that this was the only option but I can tell they're struggling. So much has happened in the last few weeks… There are days that I wonder how much longer it can go on the way it does. And I know the workload is going to have to be shared out. Taylor will be breathing down my neck to bring in another detective and frankly, I don't know where to get one from."

"Bringing in a new face always brings tension," Brenda added. She glanced at Sharon. "I think we can both speak from experience there."

"Maybe I'm getting too old for this job," Sharon mused.

"Too old? When Provenza's still there?" Brenda grinned. "I doubt that."

"I don't know. Sometimes I just wonder…" Sharon didn't finish the sentence and looked down at her hands. She admired Provenza's devotion to his job but until he met Patrice, he had said himself he didn't have much else in his life. And she had heard his musings about retirement a few times too many in recent months. Did she really want to go down the path where she would end up being the last one standing?

Brenda pulled into the supermarket carpark and waited for Sharon to get out of the car. She noticed the brunette was still quiet and she fell into step beside her as they walked into the shop and Brenda looked at her friend. "Are you ok?"

Sharon nodded but her face betrayed she didn't feel ok. "I guess you just can't have it all."

"Life would be too boring if we did," Brenda wisely added and Sharon looked up in surprise.

"Who are you and what have you done with Brenda Leigh Johnson?"

Brenda just smiled and picked up a basket as they made their way down the first aisle. She gave Sharon an amused look and pointed at the shelves to her right. "Let me guess, you need milk."

"What I need is a vacation but I guess milk will do," Sharon joked and sidled up beside Brenda to take one of the low fat milk cartons off the shelf. She put it in the basket and as she looked up, she caught Brenda's gaze. For a couple of seconds they just looked at each other, in the middle of the milk aisle of a big supermarket, and Sharon felt completely at ease.

They were halfway down the bread aisle when Sharon's phone pinged with a text message and she pulled it out of her pocket to check. A text message and a picture message had popped up on her screen and she swiped to find a simple text saying made it! Followed by a selfie of Rusty and Sophie with them both pulling a funny face.

Sharon showed the picture to Brenda.

"He looks happy," she noted.

"He does, doesn't he?" Sharon said and put her phone back into her pocket.

"How are you feeling about it all now?" Brenda asked as she put the loaf of bread on top of the milk, two bottles of orange juice and bananas.

"I know this isn't the same thing as with his biological father. I guess I just worried that any connection Rusty has made with his biological family has been troublesome in some way. I don't want that to happen again."

"It is different this time," Brenda said. "And I think Rusty's going to be fine."

"Looking at that picture, I'd say he's more than fine," Sharon agreed and she started in the direction of the tills.

She paid for her groceries and she and Brenda carried the bags to the car. It was only ten minutes back to the condo and Brenda parked her car next to Sharon's in the visitor's spot. Between them they carried the groceries and Rusty's presents and Brenda pressed the button in the elevator with her elbow whilst Sharon rummaged through her purse to find her keys. When they reached her floor, Sharon pushed the door open with her foot after unlocking it and with a dramatic sigh, Brenda dropped the groceries on the couch and sat down.

Sharon smiled as she picked the bags up from the couch and brought them into the kitchen. As she put the milk and orange juice in the fridge she said, "Do you want to order dinner and watch a movie tonight?"

"You choose dinner and I choose the movie?" Brenda asked.

Sharon grinned. "So good food and a crap movie. I guess I can live with that."

"You can choose the movie, if it makes you happier," Brenda laughed as she walked into the kitchen. "But then you're stuck with crappy food." She leant against the wall, crossed her arms and arched an eyebrow. "Your choice."

Sharon smiled. "I'll choose dinner."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Because you know me too well," Sharon replied and walked out of the kitchen and down the hall to the laundry. "Hey, can you give me a hand with this? I was going to ask Rusty to help me fold the sheets before he left this morning but they weren't dry."

She opened the door and took two sheets out of the dryer. Brenda appeared behind her and took two of the edges and without speaking the folded the first sheet and then the second.

"Where do these go?" Brenda asked and Sharon pointed to a small cupboard. She watched, almost fascinated, as Brenda put the sheets in the linen cupboard and quickly averted her eyes when the blonde turned around. Sharon focused back on the washing machine, emptied the laundry basket she'd sorted the previous day into the washing machine and switched it on.

They spent the reminder of the afternoon doing little bits around the condo and Sharon found herself comfortable and relaxed about having someone walk around in her space the way Brenda did. She was used to living with someone, but Rusty was a teenager and although he was helpful, it was different. There was something about having another adult around, someone who was so different from herself. Brenda seemed completely at ease and Sharon wondered if she would ever be able to be that comfortable at Brenda's place or if it was simply because Brenda spent so much of her time here.

When she almost tripped over Brenda's shoes on her way into the kitchen, Sharon didn't stop to say something, she just used her toes to push the shoes out of the way towards the couch so she wouldn't trip again and carried on. Brenda was already in the kitchen and was pouring boiling water in two tea cups.

"Are Emily and Ricky coming for Rusty's birthday?" she asked when Sharon came in. She pushed one of the cups towards her and Sharon recognised the wooden scent of red bush tea.

She nodded. "They're both flying in on Friday. They're flights arrive within an hour of each other at LAX."

"It's been a while since you saw them last," Brenda pointed out and Sharon nodded.

"It makes it extra special when I do see them."

"Do you think either of them would ever move back to Los Angeles?"

"Not Emily. She found her soul in New York. Even if she'd stopped dancing, she wouldn't come back. And Ricky… I don't know. He always seemed the restless kind, like he wasn't quite sure where he belonged. Maybe he'll leave San Francisco but I don't think he'd come back here. And if he did, it wouldn't be forever." She looked at Brenda from over her tea cup. "Speaking of moving back to LA…. Is it what you thought it would be?"

"You mean, does it feel like nothing's changed or like everything's changed?" Brenda asked and Sharon nodded. "A little bit of both, I suppose. I didn't think I'd ever come back here after DC. But the heart wants what it wants and clearly it wanted LA."

Her eyes narrowed when she noticed the way Sharon wrinkled her nose. "You ok?"

Sharon nodded. "Just a bit of a headache. I had a migraine yesterday. You know that 'day after' feeling you get sometimes?"

"It's the worst," Brenda said. "Do you want some Tylenol?"

"Maybe later."

"Or… I could… give you a head massage. That's supposed to help a lot too."

The words just came out and Brenda wanted to kick herself. She tightened her grip on the cup and felt the hot porcelain almost scold her fingers. Across the kitchen, Sharon looked up in a mixture of surprise and intrigue.

"You can do those?"

Brenda felt herself blush. "Well, sort of. I've been told I'm not too bad. It's not like I did a course or anything but I used to do it to Charlie when she was little and she asked for them when she was here. And there were other people…."

"I get the idea," Sharon laughed but she took a small step forward. Through her eyelashes she looked up at Brenda and she suddenly seemed almost shy. "I don't think I've ever had one."

"Never?" Brenda asked, arching an eyebrow in surprise. "Gees, Sharon. What cave have you been hiding in?"

"The single cave," Sharon retorted. "Well, most of the time anyway."

"Ok. How's this? I'll give you a head massage one of these days. It doesn't have to be tonight. Just… a time when you're comfortable and can relax," Brenda said and put her teacup down. "And after that I want you to promise me that you're going to get yourself to a spa or some place, and you're going to get yourself a proper one too."

Sharon chuckled. "If you say that these massages clear up headaches then you might as well do it now because at this rate, you're watching a movie by yourself."

Brenda's heart thundered in her chest and her throat felt dry. Her hands tingled and her palms felt sweaty. She couldn't believe she had been so careless with her comment and to make matters worse, Sharon now actually expected her to live up to her words. The knot in her stomach tightened as she tried to clench and relax her fingers without Sharon noticing.

She tried to swallow. "Ok." Her throat was still dry. "You should find a place where you can sit or lie down comfortably." She couldn't bring herself to look at Sharon. "The couch, maybe?"

Sharon turned around and walked back into the living room. Brenda stayed behind in the kitchen for a few moments longer, took a couple of deep breaths and then followed Sharon out into the other room. She found the brunette sitting on the couch and slowly sat down next to her.

"You can either choose to put your head down in my lap or sit down on the ground in front of me with your back against me and the couch," Brenda suggested. She could hear the tremor of nerves in her voice as Sharon looked at her. "You're not a six year old girl so I think sitting on the floor is probably the best idea."

Sharon moved to sit down on the floor and rested her back against the couch. Brenda sat behind her, her legs on either side of Sharon's body and her back against the couch. Her breath hitched when Sharon leaned back until she rested against Brenda's knees and Brenda tentatively let her fingers run up along the lengths of Sharon's arms until she reached her shoulders. She could feel the brunette tremble under her touch and leaned in a little.

"Relax," she whispered and Sharon shuddered again. Brenda's breath was soft and warm against her neck. "Close your eyes."

Sharon did what Brenda asked and slowly closed her eyes.

Careful not to startle Sharon, Brenda let her hands slide up from Sharon's shoulders to her neck and let the tips of her fingers slide through Sharon's long dark hair. The skin on her neck was soft and Brenda fought to keep her breathing and heart rate under control. Sharon's body felt warm against her own and the emotions were raging through Brenda's veins.

With her thumbs, Brenda made soft rotating movements on the base of Sharon's neck before slowly using her fingers to travel across her scalp. She applied gentle yet firm pressure, let strands of auburn hair run through her fingers as she touched Sharon's skin and could feel the older woman's body become heavier against her own as Sharon relaxed into the touch.

"Oh…" Sharon sighed softly when Brenda's fingers reached her temples and a warm feeling spread through her entire body as soft, caressing touches spread across her head and neck.

Brenda repeated the circular motions across Sharon's head and temples, down her neck and shoulders and back up again. She inhaled Sharon's scent, her perfume mixed with her natural smell, and dipped her fingers just below the collar of Sharon's shirt to caress her shoulders before slowly making her way back up to her head.

She knew this was too much. Too much intimacy. Too much touch. She was too close. Sharon was too close. Her body was betraying her and Brenda's brain was telling her to back off, to tell Sharon that this was a mistake and to forget about it, but her heart was winning the fight and it kept Brenda's hands exactly where they were, in Sharon's hair, and her mouth almost pressed against Sharon's neck as she breathed in the almost intoxicating smell of her body.

The world just seemed to fade into the distance. No longer could she hear the faint noises from the traffic down below or even the humming sound of the washing machine down the hall. In this moment there was only Sharon… there was nothing else but her. Nothing else but them. And if this was dangerous or wrong then Brenda didn't even care anymore. Because in this moment she didn't want to be right.

Seconds ticked by and faded into minutes. Minutes in which no words were spoken, no things were said. The only thing was the connection between them, in whatever way, and Brenda held her breath for a few painful moments, her fingers resting in the back of Sharon's neck, before slowly leaning in and gently pressing her lips against the brunette's soft, warm skin. A chaste, hesitant kiss that betrayed more than words ever could.

She waited.

Sharon turned her head, slowly, and green eyes, wide open and full of life, found brown. For an everlasting moment they shared a look and then the distance was gone and Brenda carefully leaned in, capturing Sharon's lips with her own.

And there it was. No more secrets.

Sharon's body fully relaxed when she felt Brenda's lips against hers and her green eyes fluttered shut.

Neither knew who parted their lips first but Brenda felt Sharon's tongue against her own and gently but eagerly kissed her back. Sharon's lips tasted of red bush tea and her skin smelt of flowers and honey and everything about this combination was overwhelming. Brenda's fingers were still laced in Sharon's hair and she caressed her scalp, her fingers slid down until they found her jaw.

Brenda pulled back after a few seconds and Sharon's eyes snapped open almost instantly. A wave of panic washed over her and she scrambled to her knees as quickly as she could, crawling away from the blonde on her couch. She couldn't look at her. She couldn't face her, couldn't face what had just happened. Too many thoughts swirled around in her head and the pounding of her heart overpowered them all. She didn't even realise there were tears on her cheek until Brenda called out her name.

"Sharon?"

"You… We…" Sharon began but she couldn't get the words to form a sentence. "This…"

"Sharon, I'm sorry," Brenda tried and went to sit on her knees in front of the brunette. She tried to take her hand but Sharon pushed her away. "Sharon…"

"We can't do this. I can't do this," Sharon muttered and she shook her head. She dared to look at Brenda and the heartbreak she saw etched across the blonde's face only added to her panic. This wasn't happening. Tears continued to trickle down her cheek and she turned away. "You… you should go."

"I'm sorry, Sharon…"

"GO!"

Sharon's outcry was bitter and raw and it startled both of them.

Brenda clambered to her feet, found her shoes and purse and started for the door. Just before leaving she turned around to see Sharon still sitting on the floor, knees pulled up to her chest, her back turned towards Brenda. She wanted to say something but she knew there were no words of comfort or reassurance that she could offer. There were no words that could fix what had just been broken and without saying anything, Brenda opened the door and stepped outside.

The sound of the door falling into its lock was the loneliest sound Sharon had ever heard.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back. In some way life is crazier than ever but at the same time, it feels the calmest it has been in a long time. So here's another chapter for you all to enjoy. Thank you all for your patience and your kindness. It means a lot to both of us!
> 
> A video trailer for this story can now be found on YouTube! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnzYa-mYe4g&lc=z23rvteopvi4z53uaacdp435qq5e2mu5u4mxkhwgu5xw03c010c.1502267151713155

When Sharon heard the front door open she was reminded that it really was Monday and she'd lost track of time. Sunday had gone by in some kind of blur; she'd spent the morning curled up in bed with the curtains drawn, picking up her phone every few minutes. She didn't know what she was looking for. A missed call? A text? Nothing at all? But there were no calls. Brenda's name never once lit up her screen. There were no texts either, although a couple of times when Sharon scrolled back through Brenda's old texts, she saw the little grey speech bubble appear at the bottom of the screen as if Brenda was writing something. She'd stare at the screen, waiting and wondering, but the bubble would vanish and no messages came.

By Sunday afternoon she'd played the events from the previous night in her head so many times, she couldn't bear the memory of it any longer. But nothing Sharon did could erase the feeling and the taste of Brenda's lips, the sensation that had coursed through her body with an alarming speed and the intense hurt and confusion that had followed. She'd showered, scrolled through her emails without really reading anything, cleaned the bathroom and changed all the bedsheets and scrubbed the kitchen. Staying busy kept her mind from wandering, at least for a little while. She vacuumed the entire condo, wiped and dusted every surface she could find, rearranged the picture frames on the living room sideboard and the ones on the wall in the kitchen and cleaned out her wardrobe. She did three lots of laundry, matched half the socks in the odd socks basket and forgot to have dinner so she ended up heating up some left overs she found in the fridge.

Sharon barely remembered going to bed and she only knew she'd slept because she woke up the next morning before it was even light. She lay in bed for a while before getting up, going to the supermarket and returning home with enough groceries to feed a small orphanage for a week. She had just finished wiping down the stove after putting three plastic tubs filled with stew in the freezer when she heard Rusty come in. As always, his footsteps betrayed his presence before his voice did. Sharon wiped her hands on a tea towel and walked into the living room to greet him.

His smile was blinding and something sharp stung in her chest when she saw the happiness in his face. He didn't need words to tell her that the weekend had gone well. His eyes told her long before words could.

"You look like you've had a nice time," Sharon said as she kissed her son on the cheek. She silently hoped and prayed he didn't notice that she didn't share his happiness.

Rusty beamed. "I did."

"Tell me all about it," Sharon said as she pushed him towards the couch to sit down. She wanted to feel his excitement, let the happiness he was feeling overwhelm her. Anything to stop the way she was feeling now. Rusty's joy would chase the shadows away. "I want to hear everything."

Rusty watched her for a moment and his eyes drifted around the living room. He noticed the small changes. The little touches that were different than before he left. His eyes narrowed when he noticed the curtains looked different, like someone had gone out of their way to straighten them out. His eyes drifted to the tray on the desk where Sharon kept her paperwork. It was always half full. It was empty. The pictures looked different. The coffee table was shiny and void of any clutter. The pillows had been shook up, all the chairs around the dining table looked like they had been placed directly across from each other with minute precision and the smell of home cooked food was overwhelming.

Rusty looked back at Sharon. "Uh oh." He tried to hold her gaze but Sharon wouldn't let him. He frowned in worry. He knew his mother well enough to know what all these changes meant. "What happened?"

"What do you mean?" Sharon tried to sound casual.

"You've rearranged the pictures and it looks like you vacuumed the damn curtains," Rusty pointed out. He glanced back at Sharon with that look that she knew all too well. It was the look she gave him whenever she wanted him to tell her the truth. He had perfected it perfectly.

"Something happened. Either someone's upset you or someone's died."

"It's nothing," Sharon waved off her son's suspicion and concern which resulted in Rusty only raising his eyebrows in a form of contempt. "I just fancied a change."

"You like change about as much as you like someone breaking the rules," Rusty reminded her and Sharon had to admit that her son knew her well. Rusty's eyes narrowed as he studied his mother's face and he could tell there was something she was not sharing with him. But he knew better than anyone what not being ready to share felt like so he flashed a smile. "Alright, I'll let you off this time."

"What are you? The parent in this relationship?" Sharon retorted but inwardly she felt a sense of relief. She didn't want Rusty to know what had happened. This didn't involve him. She knew he liked Brenda and she wasn't going to let this mishap affect his friendship with her. She circled around the couch and sat down, patting the cushion next to her. Rusty sat down too, pulled his legs up and turned to look at his mother.

"Well?" Sharon asked.

"Well what?"

"How was it?"

Rusty took a moment before he answered but then he said, "It was nice. It wasn't over the top. It wasn't crazy or awkward or anything like that." He leaned back, the hint of a smile appearing on his face. "It was just nice. Like we'd done it a dozen times before but without it being boring or forced or predictable."

"I'm glad," Sharon admitted and the part of her heart that had felt the tension and concern about this weekend could relax. Rusty had not come with a black eye or his soul shattered into a dozen pieces. Instead he had come home full of excitement and love and Sharon was relieved to see those emotions instead of the hurt and pain she had seen before. It was hard not to feel the bitter sting of jealousy too but she tried to ignore the slightly bitter aftertaste it left in her mouth.

"Where's Brenda?" Rusty asked and Sharon flinched a little. Rusty was sitting where Brenda had sat on Saturday night and she could still visualise the blonde in that spot, her fingers in Sharon's hair, and the faint scent of her perfume filling her nose. She turned her head away.

"I half expected her to be camping out on the couch," Rusty added.

"She didn't stay on Saturday," Sharon mumbled. "Something came up."

The wheels in Rusty's head were spinning and after a few moments he said; "Did you two have a fight? You've cleaned the whole house down to the curtains and Brenda isn't here when before she used to practically live here. What's going on?"

"Brenda just needs a bit of time, is all," Sharon said, sounding a little sharper than she had intended.

"Gees," Rusty commented. "I guess I can forget about DC for my birthday then, right?"

"Why do you think that?"

"She's hardly going to take me sightseeing when the two of you have broken up," he laughed, unaware of what he had just said and just how close to the truth those words were. He stood up. "I'm going to take a shower and then catch up on some stuff I've been meaning to watch."

Sharon just nodded and didn't watch as her son walked out of the room. She stared at the spot on the floor where she had sat the other night, her back against Brenda's knees. Her eyes fluttered shut and she could still feel the pressure of the blonde's fingers against her scalp, the warmth of her hands on her shoulders. Leaning into the kiss had felt… natural… and overwhelming as well as terrifying and Sharon's eyes snapped back open, her hand covered her mouth.

She couldn't think like that. She couldn't control the thoughts and the feelings. Brenda had effortlessly become a part of her life in a way she hadn't seen anyone else fit in for some time. It was as if she had been a little missing piece in a chain of events and she had found her place. Sharon couldn't believe where they were now compared to where they had once been years ago. The only person she trusted enough in this world was Brenda. How had a woman she had once loathed so much become such an integral part of her life? How had Brenda become the one person she couldn't imagine her days – or her life- without?

How had this happened?

Sharon let her head fall back and let out a deep, pained sigh.

On the other side of the condo, safe behind the closed door of his bedroom, Rusty picked up his phone and dialled Gus' number. After two rings his boyfriend answered and Rusty fell down on the bed, landing on the pillows. He kicked off his shoes; one landed at the end of the bed, the other by the door.

"Hey, what's up? Miss me already?" Gus laughed when he answered.

"Do you remember what Catherine said when we went for that first meeting at their house? About my mom and Brenda?" And what you said that day?" Rusty asked and rubbed his eyes. His mind was spinning and he couldn't quite grasp the fact that he was about to talk about this.

"That Brenda looks at your mom the way I look at you?" Gus asked and Rusty murmured in agreement. There was a pause and then he added, "I always wondered…."

"Well… what if you're right?" Rusty tentatively asked and clutched the phone a little tighter.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Brenda told me she's gay. She said mom doesn't know. With what you said and what Catherine said and just… all these little things…" Rusty sighed. All the events from recent weeks played over and over in his head. "I thought Brenda would be here when I got back but she's not and mom said Brenda needs some space or something…"

"Uh oh," Gus answered. There was an echo of dread in his voice. "That sounds bad."

"Do you think…?"

"Oh, I know Brenda's in love with your mom, Rusty. A blind man can see that. I have absolutely no doubt about that," Gus interjected, catching his boyfriend off guard. "And she has been for quite some time. The question is…"

Before he could finish that sentence, Rusty dropped the phone as his bedroom door swung open and Sharon poked her head around. She didn't miss the way her son's face changed to an expression of a deer caught in headlights. "I thought you were taking a shower?"

"Just talking to Gus," Rusty quickly answered and he felt a blush creep up his cheeks. "You know, just making sure he got home alright and stuff." He didn't make eye contact.

"You want to go out and get a hamburger?" Sharon asked. She leaned against the doorframe with her hands in her pockets.

That's when Rusty knew. Sharon was trying to hide something and she was using going out as a way to make herself feel better. But instead of letting her know he was on to her, he just nodded. "Yep," he smiled and jumped off the bed. "And if you're lucky, I'll let you have my pickles."

"Okay. Meet me at the front door in fifteen minutes." Sharon closed the door behind her and Rusty grabbed his phone back off the bed.

"Something's happened and I don't know what but it involves Brenda," he said to Gus. "She's just asked me if I want to go out for hamburgers."

"I heard," Gus answered. "She hasn't done that in a while, has she?"

"No, she hasn't." Rusty sighed. He looked back at the now closed bedroom door. "So do you really think…"

"That your mom is in love with Brenda?" Gus finally spoke the words out loud and Rusty sighed. "From what you've said, I think there's a good chance. But what you need to remember is that, if she is in love with Brenda, just how overwhelming and scary this must be for her."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you remember how you felt when you first realised you're gay?"

Rusty remembered all too well. The internal battle, the fear of judgment and losing the people he loved… Those feelings had been overwhelming. "Yes, I remember."

"Now imagine being your mom. Falling in love with a woman at her age after never having felt that way before… That's scary. In fact, its life changing," Gus explained.

Rusty almost dropped the phone when he realised what Gus was trying to say. Sharon had to be terrified. All her life she had thought she was straight and now suddenly everything had changed for her. Nothing was like she had once known it and even considering the thought that she could be gay, or at least feel an attraction towards another woman, was life changing.

He sighed. "She is going to be so scared and confused."

"Yes. All her life she had a picture in her head and now that picture no longer fits. And what she needs from you now more than ever is for you to let her know you're there for her no matter what."

"I can do that," Rusty vowed. "I can most certainly do that."

"Now go take a shower and get that hamburger," Gus laughed. "I'll talk to you later."

Rusty hung up, left the phone on his bed and with his mind still spinning about everything he and Gus had just talked about he walked to the bathroom and got into the shower.

An hour later Rusty found himself sitting across from Sharon in a small booth in one of his favourite hamburger places in Los Angeles. It was a small little diner a few blocks from Hollywood Boulevard and they served some of the best food he'd ever had. It was rare that Sharon actually wanted to come here as the food was mostly greasy and Sharon preferred her food healthy but right now she had a glass of diet coke standing in front of her and had just ordered a double stacked Texas burger with extra barbecue sauce and fries.

The waitress disappeared to the kitchen to pass on their order and Rusty looked at his mother. Sharon was fumbling with the straw in her glass and he knew that she was on edge. Whatever it was, it was bothering her and he could see it eating her up. Without saying a word he reached over the table and covered Sharon's hand with his. Instantly she looked up and their gazes locked.

"I know these last few weeks have been hard," Rusty said. "And I know some of that is because of me and finding my birth family. And then this whole thing with Andy…" He paused. "But I just wanted to say that I think you're so strong and I am so proud of you, mom."

Sharon smiled but Rusty could still see the sadness in her eyes. "Thank you, Rusty." She sighed. "But I don't want you thinking that you finding your biological family is anything I worry about. It's not. They are lovely people and you more than anyone deserve to be surrounded by people who love you."

"And so do you," Rusty reminded her. "So do you." He pulled his hand back and leaned back in his seat. "I know you don't want to talk about it because that's what you do but I just want to say that if you do… I'm here."

Sharon's heart swelled with pride as she looked at her son sitting across the table. He had grown up into a kind and caring young man. "I know. I just don't think this is something I should be bothering you with."

Rusty was about to answer when his phone beeped with a text message. It lay next to his glass and Sharon could see from where she was sitting that the text was from Brenda. She felt a pang of pain in her chest when Rusty picked up the phone to open the message. Brenda's message was just one simple line.

_Just checking in to see how your weekend went xxx_

Rusty typed his reply back quickly and hit send. _It went very well. So glad I went. Just having dinner with mom xxx_

He put the phone back down and looked at Sharon. "I know you're going to tell me that you're fine and if that's what you want to do, then so be it. I just want to say that I know you. I will always know you. And I know when you're lying." He held his mother's gaze for a moment longer. "And nothing you tell me will ever change the way I see you."

Tears stung behind Sharon's eyes but she managed not to cry. She swallowed hard and took a large sip from her drink to distract herself. Those few precious seconds was all she needed to regain her composure and she flashed a tentative smile. "Thank you, Rusty."

They ate their dinner as they talked about what Rusty had done over the weekend with his family. Rusty was careful not to mention Brenda but her name slipped into the conversation a couple of times and he could see that every time it did, Sharon shifted in her seat. The words Gus had said earlier resounded in his head and by the time they left the diner to go home, Rusty needed no more convincing. His mother was in love with Brenda and something had happened between them, even if he didn't know what.

They drove home via one of the Starbucks drive through on the way so Rusty could get himself a coffee and when they returned to the condo they watched a movie on Netflix before Sharon announced that she was going to bed. Rusty remained in the now quiet living room and texted Gus.

_You're right. She's in love with Brenda. I know it. So what can I do to fix this?_

Gus' answer was short and simple. _There is only one thing you can do._

~()~

He felt like he had been sitting outside Brenda's apartment for hours and when he finally saw the blonde step out of the elevator carrying what looked like a bag of take-out food, Rusty's stomach grumbled and he quickly stood up. Brenda only noticed him when she was almost at the door and her big brown eyes widened.

"Rusty! What are you doin' here?" she exclaimed in surprise.

"I was in the neighbourhood."

"So that's why you've been sittin' outside my door for God knows how long?" she asked and raised an eyebrow in question. She stuck the key in the door, opened it and gestured for Rusty to come in. "Have you eaten?"

He shook his head and pointed at the bag. "What's in there?"

"Chinese and there's enough for two," Brenda answered.

She dropped her keys on the kitchen counter, kicked off her high black stiletto heels and sighed in relief when her bare feet touched the floor. She was dressed in a simple black dress and her blonde hair was pinned up. Her reading glasses balanced on the tip of her nose and she put her trusted black tote down on the floor. Rusty could see several files sticking out. Brenda had brought work home with her.

He let his eyes wander around the apartment. A basket of laundry stood on the dining table. Some of it had been folded but most of it looked like it had just been thrown in. There were two pairs of shoes under the table in the living room, paperwork on the coffee table and several sweets wrappers on the couch. An open packet of Twizzlers lay next to the coffee machine and the sink was full of dirty dishes, cups and glasses. Everything about the apartment almost screamed that Brenda had made absolutely no effort whatsoever and it made Rusty feel a little sad. Something was definitely wrong.

"What brings you here?" Brenda wanted to know as she began unpacking the plastic bag and placed the cartons on the counter. She then circled around and took two plates from the cupboard and some forks from the drawer. She gave them to Rusty and he put them down next to the boxes of food as Brenda took two cans of soda from the fridge.

Rusty looked at Brenda a little closer. He noticed the dark circles around her eyes and that they were red and puffy. It was clear Brenda had been crying and she hadn't had a good night sleep in a while. Her skin looked pale and then he noticed the coffee stain on her dress, the two broken nails on her right hand and the absence of the usual sparkle in her eyes.

"I just wanted to make sure you're alright," he said.

Brenda's eyes narrowed but Rusty sensed her panic. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Mom gave me the impression that you two had some kind of fight. She didn't say much about it but I guess I just wanted to see for myself," he answered as he put some noodles and rice on his plate followed by what looked like chicken satay. "I was expecting to see you at the condo on Monday."

"I had a lot of work to do so I really couldn't stay. And your mom is busy too. We're both adults. We have a lot goin' on," Brenda rambled. "We can't be in each other's pockets all the time." There was a sharpness to her tone that Rusty had never really heard before. She noticed it herself too because she looked up and quickly apologised. "I'm sorry, Rusty. That came out all wrong."

"It's alright," Rusty answered. "I know things can get overwhelming at times."

Brenda nodded. "So you had a nice weekend then?" She effortlessly changed the subject to something she felt more comfortable talking about.

Rusty nodded and proceeded to tell Brenda about everything he had done and the things they had talked about. They carried their food to the living room and sat down on the couch to eat. Brenda switched on the TV and it kicked in on one of the local news segments about a car accident on the highway and Brenda changed the channel until she found an old episode of CSI.

"So what's happening for your birthday this weekend?" she wanted to know once Rusty had shared everything about the weekend.

"I'm not sure actually." He gave Brenda a sideways glance. "I know DC isn't happening."

"Rusty, I'm so sorry. With all this stuff goin' on I just haven't had chance to…" Brenda felt the guilt well up in her chest. She knew Rusty had been looking forward to the trip but she couldn't bring herself to even consider the thought of going away somewhere with him and Sharon. The thought of being around the other woman hurt and she wasn't ready to deal with that kind of pain.

"I know. It's okay. I understand." He shrugged. "Mom said something about Ricky and Emily flying in but I'm not sure when or if that's even happening." He looked at Brenda. "You are still coming, right?"

Having disappointed the kid once was bad enough so Brenda swallowed hard and nodded. "Of course. If you want me to that is."

"I want you to be there," Rusty insisted. "Please?"

"Consider it done." Brenda put down her fork. The way her throat constricted at the thought of going to the condo and seeing Sharon made it impossible to eat. She wasn't hungry anymore and put the plate down. "So what kind of party will it be? Just a friends and family kind of thing?"

"Friends, family and food probably," Rusty answered. He finished off the rest of the food on his plate and put it down on the couch's arm rest before picking up the soda can and taking a large gulp. He shamelessly wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "I don't need anything else."

"Rusty, I know you didn't come here just to talk about your birthday and to check on me," Brenda said softly. "I know you're worried about what's going on but trust me when I say that this is something between your mom and me and we will figure it out." She released a heavy sigh. "One way or another."

Rusty looked at Brenda from the corner of his eye. She had removed her glasses and seemed lost in thought. Right now she looked nothing like the woman who had stood in front of Philip Stroh pleading for him not to hurt Rusty. The connection they had shared had been intense and it seemed that the connection they shared now had reached a whole different kind of intense. But this was the woman who had changed and saved his life that night and no matter what happened, Rusty would never be able to thank Brenda enough for shifting the direction of his life.

"I know it's none of my business but I know that you are in love with my mom," Rusty quietly said and Brenda looked up, instantly ready to defend herself. But when she saw the soft look in the boy's eyes she didn't have it in her to deny what he had said. She sighed and averted her eyes.

"So it's true?" Rusty drew his own conclusions from Brenda's silence.

She nodded.

"Does she know?"

"Rusty, you are a smart kid. I think you have known for a little while what was going on and as much as I respect you, I really think this is something Sharon and I need to deal with for ourselves," Brenda answered and she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before standing up to take the plates to the kitchen. She left them on the side and returned to the living room. Rusty followed her with her eyes.

"It was so nice to see her truly happy," Rusty said and just as Brenda went to sit down, he stood up. She watched him. "And I know why she was so happy, Brenda. But you're right, this is between the two of you and it's not up to me to tell you what's right or wrong." He swallowed. "I should probably go home. I didn't tell mom where I was going."

"Sure," Brenda said and she followed Rusty to the door.

He turned around before stepping outside and wrapped his arms unexpectedly around Brenda's neck. She froze for a moment before returning the embrace. Rusty rested his head against Brenda's shoulder and her eyes briefly closed as she clung to him perhaps a little more than she should have. When he stepped back, Rusty's eyes met Brenda's.

"I just want to see my mom happy," he said. "And I don't care how that happens."

With those words, he stepped out of the apartment and Brenda watched Rusty walk towards the elevator. Moments later he was gone and she closed the door. She leaned against it with her back, tears stinging behind her eyes and she let out a strangled gasp. The pain in her chest was sharp and weighed heavy and Brenda would do anything to make it go away.

But what she could she do? What happened between her and Sharon had ruined everything they had and it didn't matter how she felt… If Sharon didn't feel the same way then there was no point in Brenda attempting to be a part of Sharon's life. They would both hurt too much if she did.

She stepped away from the door and walked down the hallway to the bedroom. The bed wasn't made and she fell down into the mess of pillows and blankets and stared up at the ceiling. Coming back to Los Angeles had felt like the right thing to do months ago but right now it felt like it was the biggest mistake she had ever made. She had lost everything now. Was there even a reason still to stay?

Brenda reached for the phone she kept on her bedside table and picked it up. She pressed the second number under her speed dial and heaved a sigh as she heard the dial tone. The phone rang once, twice and then a third time before a familiar voice answered.

"Brenda Leigh!"

"Hi Daddy!" She tried to sound cheerful but a stray tear slid down her cheek. "I'm just callin' to see how you're doin'."

"I'm fine, Brenda Leigh. How about you? You keepin' busy in sunny LA? I was thinkin' about maybe comin' up there in a couple of weeks."

"Oh Daddy, don't do that. You know that travellin' ain't good for your heart," Brenda answered. "I actually called to see how you'd feel if I came down to Atlanta for a few days next week?" She ran a hand through her hear. "It feels like forever since I've been home."

"That's because it has been forever, Brenda Leigh. You haven't been home in months."

"I know, Daddy, and I'm sorry." Brenda sighed. "That's why I want to come back. See you and everyone else. So how about it, eh? Fancy spendin' a few days with your daughter next week? We can go back to that place you like that serves the amazin' apple pie."

"That sounds wonderful," Clay answered but then there was a pause. He knew his daughter all too well and he knew that any visit to Atlanta was never really much of a social call. Brenda wasn't the type to just go home because she missed her family. "What's goin' on, Brenda Leigh? You never just call out of the blue and certainly not to tell me you're comin' home, unless it's Christmas and it's not Christmas. Is there somethin' goin' on, Brenda Leigh? Somethin' you wanna tell me?"

"No Daddy," Brenda said softly as she turned her head to the window. Darkness had started to fall and the skies were painted in shades of amber and red. "I just really want to come home for a while." She hesitated and then added, "I'm just not sure Los Angeles is where I belong anymore."

"Oh honey, then you should come back to Atlanta. Stay as long as you like."

Brenda clutched the phone a little tighter as another tear fell down her cheek.

"I will, Daddy. I will."


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, people. There is so much going on in our personal lives right now that writing seems to be pushed to the back burner all the time. With the sad news that Major Crimes is ending, we really wanted to update so here is chapter 35. We hope you all enjoy!

When Wednesday rolled around Sharon found herself surrounded by the usual intensity that came with a double homicide on top of the case they'd scored before the weekend and the fact Tao was due in court for most of the day. With him gone and Andy's desk still empty Sharon found that her resources were stretched thin resulting in her accompanying Julio as he went to talk to some possible witnesses.

Being away from the office felt like a relief. At least in the car driving down the streets of Los Angeles with the window rolled down and the breeze in her hair, Sharon felt like she could finally breathe. Every so often she would catch Julio looking her way. She knew he knew her mind was elsewhere and she was ready for him to ask questions but he remained quiet. That was the kind of man he was. He would sit and observe her for as long as he had to without saying a word, silently inviting her to eventually break her own silence and talk to him. Underneath the hard exterior, Julio Sanchez had a heart of gold and Sharon treasured it.

The possible witness turned out to be their most solid lead in their current case and when she and Julio got back in the car after leaving the small apartment in one of Los Angeles' more shady neighbourhoods, Sharon leaned back in her seat and let out a sigh. It was enough to alarm Julio and for him to break his silence.

"Is everything alright, ma'am?" he asked and Sharon detected the concern in his voice. When she turned to look at him she saw how his dark brown eyes were searching her face. She wondered for a moment if he felt the same desire to take a shower she did after visiting the dingy apartment. She could still smell the stale scent of mould. It clung to her clothes, her hair and her skin. She felt dirty.

"I have been thinking about Lieutenant Flynn's replacement," she confessed and Julio gave an understanding nod. Sharon suspected it had been the subject conversation both inside and outside the Murder Room too. "On days like today I am reminded we really are a detective short and I should talk to Chief Taylor about finding someone else to join Major Crimes."

"Anyone in particular?" Julio wanted to know.

Sharon shook her head. "As far as I'm aware there isn't anyone looking for a transfer but I could be wrong. In fact I know there is an opening in Vice that needs filling too so I don't know if there are any suitable candidates. What kind of person do you think the team would benefit from most?"

Julio thought about that question for a few moments. "Someone strong and determined. Reliable." He briefly made eye contact with Sharon and she understood that he didn't think Andy had been very reliable because of what he had done. "I'm sure you'll find the right person, ma'am."

He looked away and Sharon sensed there was something else he wanted to say. He hadn't turned the car's ignition and they were still parked in front of the no doubt insect infested apartment. "Is there something else, Julio?"

"I have been…" He seemed to hesitate and for a moment Sharon thought he was going to change his mind about talking to her. "I have been considering becoming a foster parent."

This didn't come as a complete surprise to Sharon. Though it was easy to think Julio wasn't the kind of man who'd be good with kids, she had seen the opposite to be true. And the tragedy that had struck him years ago had left its mark which was most likely the reason he had not investigated this avenue before. She watched him for a moment longer, saw the way his eyes shimmered with hope.

"I met with them last week to start the process and they've done most of the backgrounds checks and everything but they want to talk to you," he concluded. "No doubt this has something to do with some of the things in my file."

Sharon smiled. It was her most sincere smile in days and she felt the rush of happiness course through her. "Of course," she answered. "Anytime, Julio. Have them call me and I'll meet with them. I will tell them exactly what kind of man you are and that they don't have to worry about any past indiscretions. If there's anything I can do to help to make this happen for you then I will."

"Do you think Lieutenant Provenza will too?" he asked.

The noisy crackling of the police scanner interrupted them for a moment as dispatch called for local units to report to a robbery on the other side of town. Sharon reached for the volume button and turned it down before looking at Julio. He was watching her.

"Without a doubt," she reassured him. "And so will anyone else within the department, Julio." She reached to put a hand on his arm and held his gaze. "I think this is a wonderful thing and you will make an amazing foster parent to a child in the near future. Any child will be lucky to have you."

"Thank you, ma'am," Julio answered and he turned the ignition. The car's engine roared to life and he pulled away from the kerb. Sharon looked over her shoulder as the apartment building grew smaller in the distance. She then slid her hand in her pocket and pulled out her phone to check her messages. Even now she still looked for Brenda's name despite knowing she wouldn't see it. No missed calls either. The screen was empty.

They drove back to Parker Centre and Julio parked the car in the underground parking lot. Once back in the Murder Room he went to work at reorganising some of the information on the board and Sharon caught up with Amy who had spent the morning down in the morgue with Doctor Morales and then answered the phone to Mike Tao who told her court had been adjourned and he would be back soon.

Half an hour later he walked into the Murder Room followed by Andrea Hobbs. Judging from the look of thunder on the blonde DDA's face, Sharon suspected that their morning had not been as productive as hers and she invited Andrea into her office to allow the woman to blow off some steam. When Andrea slammed the door a little too hard, Sharon jumped.

"Sorry," Andrea grumbled as she sank down in one of the chairs and dropped her bag at her feet.

"Dare I even ask?" Sharon asked as she circled her desk and went to sit down.

"The defence is trying to discredit the chain of evidence and is claiming evidence could be tainted. Court is adjourned until it has been established the proper procedures were followed," Andrea groaned. "That asshole is just stalling because he knows he can't win."

Sharon wasn't used to hearing Andrea swear and she arched an eyebrow. "The Meyer case, right?"

"Yes. The son of a bitch who killed his wife and his daughter and claims an intruder did it," Andrea replied. "He sits there behind that desk with a satisfied smirk on his face and I'd just love to…" She pulled a face. "I'd love to smack him and wipe that smile off his face."

"I know the feeling," Sharon admitted. "But you know the right procedures were followed so he will get what's coming to him." She glanced through the blinds at the scene in the Murder Room. Amy was on the phone and seemed excited about something. Provenza was making notes and she silently hoped that one their cases was now close to coming to an end.

"Sharon?" Andrea's voice lured her back into the moment and she looked up.

"Yes?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"When have you ever asked me if you could ask me something?" Sharon smirked. "You always just do it."

"This is… personal. Well, somewhat, anyway," Andrea said and she shifted a little uncomfortably in her chair before folding her hands in her lap.

Sharon's eyes narrowed. "What's going on?"

"It's about Brenda."

Sharon tried not to flinch at the mention of the blonde woman's name but her nails dug into the palms of her hands underneath her desk. The pain was sharp but short lived. "Oh God, what has she done now?"

"Nothing like that," Andrea quickly said but then added, "But I think something's wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. The last three days or so she seems to be on edge. She's snappy. Comes in early, stays late. I've never seen so many empty coffee cups or Ding Dong wrappers on her desk. She seems agitated about something and this morning before going to court I heard her yelling at an intern." Andrea's blue eyes fixed on Sharon. "I know you and her are close and I was just wondering if there's something I should be aware of?"

Sharon took a deep breath and forced herself to relax. She could feel the tension in her shoulders and her neck. She knew the state Andrea described Brenda to be in all too well, having seen her in that state herself more than once during the time Sharon audited Major Crimes. She had tried not to think about how Brenda was feeling about all of this. She could barely cope with her own thoughts, she didn't have room for Brenda's pain as well.

Brenda had kissed her. She could only assume she had done it because she had some kind of feelings for her and Sharon didn't know how to handle that knowledge. She didn't even know what to do with the feelings and emotions that coursed through her own body the second Brenda crossed her mind and the more she thought about it, the more she realised she missed her. She missed talking to her, she missed being with Brenda the way she had always done. She missed having her in her life and that knowledge was confusing.

"Could it be that she's just got a lot on at the moment?" Sharon tried but she could tell Andrea wasn't buying it.

"It feels like it's more than that. The last time I saw her like this was when she sunk her teeth into Stroh. I didn't think I'd ever see that look again. Do you know if her father's alright?"

"As far as I'm aware, yes. I…" Sharon hesitated. "I haven't spoken to her for a few days but I could check in with her if you like? See what's going on?"

Andrea shook her head. "No, it's alright. I just wanted to mention it to you because I know you two are friends. You know, just in case you weren't aware. I'm a little worried about her. She looks like she hasn't slept in days." She scrutinized Sharon a little closer. "Same could be said for you."

"Thanks," Sharon dryly answered. "You'd be short on sleep too if you were down a detective and had two cases on your desk."

Andrea arched an eyebrow at that comment. "I have five on my desk."

Sharon forced herself to smile because she knew the DDA was right. "Shut up."

Andrea grinned too and then she changed the subject. "Hey, isn't it Rusty's birthday this weekend?" Sharon nodded. "What's happening?"

"Ricky and Emily are flying in on Friday and then we'll just have a party at the condo, I think." Her mind briefly drifted to the trip to DC she had promised Rusty which was now no longer happening. Everything had changed. "Are you coming?"

Andrea nodded. "Sure. What does the kid want? Do I buy him a present?"

"I barely managed to get him anything myself. He's so difficult to buy for. Just give him money, then he can decide for himself," Sharon answered and watched as Andrea stood up and started for the door. "Andrea?" The DDA turned around. "Thanks for telling me about Brenda."

Andrea just smiled and then left the office, closing the door behind her. Sharon leaned back in her seat and ran her hands through her hair before her eyes drifted to the phone on her desk. She knew the number would come up as withheld if she called from that handset and with a thumping heart she picked up the receiver, held it between her ear and shoulder and scrolled through her cell phone for Brenda's number. She pressed the digits and waited. It rang once, twice and then a third time before being redirected to voicemail.

"Hello, you have reached the voicemail of Brenda Leigh Johnson. I am not available to take your call right now but please leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as possible."

Sharon only realised she was crying at the sound of Brenda's voice when she slammed the receiver back down and noticed the wet stain on the file in front of her.

She pushed herself out of her chair and strode out of her office with quick, brisk steps and joined Provenza and Amy by the Murder Board. The Lieutenant turned around and Sharon could tell from the look on his face that there was a breakthrough.

"Talk to me," she encouraged him and Provenza began piecing the evidence together until it formed a picture that was so clear, it couldn't be denied. Sharon nodded and looked at Amy and then Julio.

"Go pick them up."

"Yes, ma'am," Julio answered and he grabbed his gun and jacket and Amy followed suit. Sharon watched them leave before casting a quick glance at Andy's empty desk. It left a strange and bitter aftertaste in her mouth. When she turned around she found Provenza looking at her.

"Found anyone yet?"

She shook her head. "I'll go see Chief Taylor later today."

"You know we could manage a little while longer if we had to." It was an attempt to reassure her, an attempt to remove the pressure she was feeling, and Sharon appreciated Provenza for it. He knew better than anyone what it felt like to work when they were shorthanded. She flashed him a smile.

"I know, Lieutenant, but I owe it to all of you to have this group of detectives running smoothly. Besides, Chief Taylor will be breathing down my neck about all of this soon enough anyway. Either I find someone or he does and I'd rather have some kind of say in who he brings into this department."

"Kind of like how we had a say when they brought you in?" Provenza affectionately joked. "That worked out fine in the end, didn't it?"

"Yes, Lieutenant," Sharon smiled. "It did."

She heaved a sigh and then excused herself before exiting the Murder Room and walking down the hall towards the ladies toilets. She made sure she was alone before pulling out her cell phone and scrolling through the contacts, eventually choosing one. She brought the phone to her ear and grabbed hold of the cold marble of the basin, letting its coolness course through her fingers.

"Hi, this is Captain Sharon Raydor. I would like to make an appointment with Doctor McCrory please, as soon as possible?" There was a moment's pause in which Sharon could feel her heartbeat pound in her ears. She held the phone a little tighter as her hands grew clammy. "Tomorrow? Yes, that would be fine. Thank you."

Sharon's hands shook a little as she ended the call and turned to look at herself in the mirror. The reflection staring back at her was exactly as Andrea had described Brenda to be. Restless looking with pale skin and dark circles around her eyes. The lack of sleep was catching up with her and Sharon recognised the nagging sensation of tiredness in her muscles. The longer she stared at herself the harder it became to recognise the woman in the reflection and Sharon let out a quiet sob.

She returned to the Murder Room a few minutes later and waited for an update from Julio and Amy. When they did eventually call, things happened fast and Sharon found herself sitting in front of the small TV screens listening to the suspect's full confession. A sense of relief that they would be closing at least one case today felt good and she scribbled some notes in the casefile as she listened to the interview.

By the time she left the Murder Room that night it was almost eight o'clock and she hadn't had dinner. Sharon's stomach growled loudly by the time she pulled up in the condo's parking lot at eight forty and when she walked in she was relieved to find Rusty had cooked dinner and had put a plate for her in the microwave. He greeted her in the kitchen just as she was heating up the food and poured herself a small glass of wine.

"You're home late."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Sharon grinned. "How was your day?"

"Better than yours, I suspect." Rusty took in his mother's tired appearance. Her hair looked sleek and thin, her shirt was wrinkled and there was a stain on her pants. In the dim light of the kitchen Sharon looked like she had aged ten years in just a day and the dark rings around her eyes were somewhat scary. It reminded him of how he had seen Brenda the previous night and something sharp stung in his chest. Hurt. Guilt.

"You look like you've had a rough ride."

"It's been a long day," Sharon said and at that moment the microwave pinged and she removed the plate, took a fork from the drawer and went to sit at the table. Rusty followed and put the wine glass down next to her plate before taking a seat too.

"Can I ask you something, Mom?"

Sharon swallowed the mouthful of pasta and looked at Rusty. "Sure."

"You know when I told you that I was gay, you said you already knew." He looked down at the table and Sharon waited for the rest of the question to follow even though she had a feeling she knew where he was going with this. "How did you know? I mean, I never said anything to you like that before."

Sharon put down her fork and took a small sip from her wine. "Honey, I don't know if I have a black and white answer for you. Somehow I just knew. Call it a mother's intuition." She wasn't going to say she'd made the assumption after finding out he went with men to Griffith Park. People did all sorts of things for money. But somehow she had known with Rusty but it had always just been part of who he was, not something she felt the need to specifically highlight.

"I was just talking to some of my friends in class today. One of the girls is gay too and she was telling me that she had this giant revelation moment when she was like fifteen or something." Rusty looked up and briefly made eye contact but it was only fleeting. "I don't think I ever had that. For me it was always just about…"

"Survival?" Sharon finished his sentence. "And something you had to hide?"

"It was something I knew yet didn't know." Rusty looked up again and this time he held his mother's gaze for longer. "Like, I was aware of it but yet I wasn't and I didn't want to put a name to it. Or a meaning. Do you know what I mean?"

Sharon let her son's words sink in for a couple of moments before picking up her glass and taking a much larger sip this time. "Rusty, why are you asking about this now? Is everything alright with you and Gus?"

"Gus and I are fine," Rusty quickly answered. "I was just wondering… Something happened between you and Brenda, didn't it?"

"Rusty…" Sharon pushed her chair away from the table. The hunger she had initially felt was long gone. Now she just wanted to get away from this conversation as fast as possible. "I don't want to talk about it. This has nothing to do with you."

"Mom! I think you should listen to me and it has everything to do with me. I can see you're hurting and I just want to… I want to be there for you, like you have always been there for me. It's Wednesday. Brenda hasn't called or been here all week. Not since Saturday, you said. She practically lived here and now she's gone. Something happened. Something has changed."

Right in that moment Sharon hated the fact Rusty was such a sensitive kid because he was right about everything he had said. He noticed the little things. Sometimes he could get a little lost in his world but he was also the kind of kid who wanted to please the people around him, a little bit of the damage left over from his time on the street, and Sharon knew that was what he was trying to do now. He was trying to take away her pain in the only way he knew how; by approaching her the same way she had always approached him.

"This is something between Brenda and I, Rusty. I understand you're worried and concerned. I know Brenda is your friend too and just know that I would never do anything to stop you seeing her."

"So you're saying you won't see her again?" He looked at her with a deer caught in headlights look. "Because I don't want to believe that."

"I'm saying that it's complicated," Sharon answered. She felt restless and unnerved. This wasn't what she wanted or needed right now and to have this conversation with her son… She just wanted it to go away.

"You know, I didn't realise I was in love with Gus at first," Rusty said and Sharon shook her head before raising her hand and stopping him before he could say anything else. He was edging too close and she couldn't handle him talking to her like this. It was clear that he too had figured out there was more to all of this but she wasn't ready to share anything like this with him yet. Not when she wasn't even ready to share it with herself.

"Rusty, that's enough. I am not having this conversation with you. I am not talking to you about Brenda."

"You talked to me about Jack and Andy. About what your marriage to Jack was like. You talked to me about Andy and how nervous you were. Why won't you talk to me about Brenda?"

The tears in her eyes came without warning. "Because I can't!"

"Why?" Rusty pressed on, causing Sharon to have to force herself from yelling at him.

Instead she picked up her plate, carried it to kitchen and emptied it into the trash. Rusty followed her and she knew he wanted to say something else.

She couldn't turn around and look at him because she knew he would see the hurt and confusion in her face. He had spoken the very words she had been trying to deny to herself out loud and now there was nothing either of them could do to take it back. It was out there, her secret spilled, but Sharon couldn't face the truth.

"Mom…" Rusty tried and she knew he was about to apologise for everything he had said.

He was about to apologise for the truth. Her truth.

She was in love with Brenda.

And it was soul destroying and earth shattering to realise. Terrifying. And she would do anything in the world if it meant that she didn't have to think about it or accept it. Because there was nothing she could do with these feelings, nowhere it would lead. All they had caused her was hurt and pain.

"Mom, please…" Rusty tried again. "I'm…"

"Don't," Sharon muttered, her voice too constricted with tears to sound strong or clear. The tears slid down her cheek and she furiously wiped them away. She couldn't identify the hurt in her chest or the sickening feeling in her stomach. All she felt was the overwhelming urge to cry.

Rusty approached close enough to see the tears and Sharon heard him gasp. Despite everything in recent weeks and the fact he had seen her cry more than once, the sight of her tears still shocked him. He stood nailed to the floor, unable to take his eyes off his mother and the harsh reality of what he and Gus had talked about hit him.

Gus had been right. His mother was in love with Brenda.

"Don't say a word," Sharon said and there was a hint of venom in her voice as she composed herself just enough to push past her son and fled out of the kitchen down the hall to the bedroom. She slammed her bedroom door a little harder than she normally would.

In the safe darkness of her bedroom, Sharon took a deep breath. She was shaking and she clenched and then relaxed her fists in an attempt to regain some control. Her legs felt weak as she staggered across the bedroom towards the bathroom. Her fingers still trembled as she undressed, left the clothes in a pile on the floor and stepped into the shower.

The hot water pounded down on her shoulders and the drops laced with her tears so it was impossible to tell where one began and the other ended. She stayed under the comforting flow of water for what felt like an eternity and her skin was a deep shade of pink when she eventually wrapped herself up in a towel and padded back into the bedroom. She put on her pyjamas, pulled back the sheets and, with her hair still wet, Sharon crawled into bed.

She rolled onto her side and picked up her phone. It had been days since she'd last received a text message from Brenda and for what felt like the one hundredth time that week she scrolled back through their exchanged messages, remembering the times where they would randomly text each other. It was a time where they had both been happy. It felt like a lifetime ago now.

The thought of being in love with Brenda was terrifying. She didn't want to think of what it meant. She didn't even want to think about how it had happened but she could no longer deny that it was true. All that happiness she had felt, the ease with which she had allowed Brenda into her life and how easily the blonde had torn down her walls just by being a constant presence… It was scary to realise someone had walked into her life and had found their place so easily. Because it felt as if Brenda truly had found her place. In a lot of ways she couldn't imagine life without her anymore but at the same time, the thought of a life with Brenda was just as scary. What the hell was she supposed to do with this?

What did this mean? She had never fallen in love with a woman before. The thought had never even crossed her mind, not even in all those years after Jack when she would have understood if it had happened. But something had drawn her to Brenda even from the first moment they met and what had once been loathing had turned into something else now and Sharon realised, in the darkness of her bedroom, that she really did love Brenda.

And it terrified her.

Sharon hesitantly typed the words "I miss you" but deleted the message moments later without sending it, before putting the phone down again. She rolled onto her back, folded her hands under her head and stared up at the dark ceiling, silently praying sleep would come soon. But instead of sleep, the tears came.

On the other side of the door, his back against the wall and his knees pulled up to his chest, feeling further away from Sharon than he ever had before, Rusty silently and helplessly listened as his mother cried herself to sleep.


	36. Chapter 36

Sharon didn't see Rusty that morning before she went to work. His bedroom door was still closed when she picked up her keys and bag and she hesitated for a moment before walking down the hall and knocking on his door. She waited but no answer came. Sharon glanced at her watch. It was a quarter past seven and she knew Rusty didn't have to be up early for class so perhaps he was still asleep. After last night she wasn't sure if he was avoiding her, or if she was avoiding him, but the unsettled feeling in her chest weighed heavily and she sighed.

"Rusty?" she called out to him softly but still there was no answer. "I'm going to work. I'll see you tonight, OK?"

As she walked to the front door Sharon continued to feel the heaviness. It wasn't just in her chest anymore. She could feel it in her entire body. The weight of something she couldn't shift and didn't dare put into words. Last night's thoughts had haunted her until she fell asleep and she had woken early that morning feeling tired and not at all rested.

She picked up the travel cup with her morning coffee that she had left on the table by the door, swung her purse over her shoulder and stepped out of the condo. The door closed behind her and she made her way down the hall to the elevator and rode it down to the parking lot.

The drive to Parker Centre took her only half an hour because she had managed to beat the worst of the morning rush hour and after parking her car, Sharon took the elevator and got off on the floor where the Major Crimes squad room was. She walked in to find all the desks still empty and the Murder Board still exactly as she had last seen it the day before. It was in that quiet moment that she took in the evidence laid out before her, seeking a connection she had not been able to see up until now. The longer she looked, a theory began to form in her head and she turned around to grab a piece of paper and a pen from Provenza's desk.

Ten minutes later Sharon heard voices approach and moments later Amy, Provenza and Tao walked in together. Amy was carrying a tray with several Starbucks cups and Tao a box with the logo from the bakery across the street.

"Good morning Captain," Amy said when she spotted Sharon leaning over Provenza's desk. She furrowed her brow. "Is everything alright?"

Sharon held up the piece of paper and Tao walked over to have a closer look. Wide eyed he looked up at Sharon. "Holy crap!"

"Exactly, Lieutenant," Sharon said, the hint of a smile tugging at her cheeks. "We've been looking in the wrong direction this entire time." She gave Tao the piece of paper. "I think you'll find that once you check this, the case changes perspective completely."

Tao circled around to his desk and opened up his computer. Seconds later his fingers were rattling away on the keyboard and Sharon waited, aware of the rapid pounding of her heart in her chest. Then Tao looked up and he didn't need to say anything. The look in his eyes said enough and Sharon nodded.

"Amy, when Julio gets here, I want you to bring everyone in for questioning. And call Hobbs. She'll want to watch."

Amy nodded. "Yes, Captain."

Sharon then turned to Provenza. "Lieutenant, I have an appointment this morning and will be out for a couple of hours. If you need me, call my cell."

Provenza's eyes narrowed as he studied the brunette's face, looking for a hint that would betray where it was Sharon was going. But he also knew better than to expect Sharon to let her guard down and her face betrayed nothing. He slowly nodded. "Of course Captain."

Sharon flashed a smile in thanks and turned around. She walked into her office, closed the door behind her and placed the now empty coffee cup on the end of her desk. She sank down in her chair, opened up her laptop and scrolled through the emails that had come in overnight. Every so often she glanced up to look into the Murder Room and watched as Amy stood up as soon as Julio arrived. Tao showed him the piece of paper with Sharon's notes and moments later Julio and Amy left the Murder Room and Provenza picked up the phone. Sharon guessed it was to give Andrea the heads up.

It was almost eight thirty when Sharon left her office again and reminded Provenza that she would be out for a little while. Again he didn't pry and Sharon was grateful for that.

She rode the elevator down to the lobby, greeted the uniformed desk officer on her way out and walked out of the building into the warm morning sunshine. She inhaled the fresh air and felt her lungs expand. She felt sick and nervous and the feeling only intensified with every step it took her to walk the two blocks to the freshly built building where she had first met Doctor McCrory not too long ago. Back then she'd hoped never to need his services again but right now it felt like the only place she really wanted to be.

She blindly made her way to the waiting room and this time she didn't hesitate when she knocked on the door. She was a little early but Sharon didn't care. Doctor McCrory's familiar voice called her in and Sharon entered. Just like during her previous visits she allowed herself a moment to take in the stunning view provided through the large windows before focusing her attention on the psychiatrist sitting in one of the leather arm chairs. There was a notebook in his lap and Sharon's stomach turned.

Doctor McCrory put the notebook down and stood up to shake her hand. "Sharon," he said her name with a smile. "It's good to see you again. Have a seat. Can I get you anything? Coffee, water?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine, thank you."

She didn't realise just how badly her hands were shaking until she went to sit down and folded them in her lap. Her entire body felt a little jittery and the nerves and anxiety coursed through her veins. She couldn't maintain eye contact and looked down into her lap, at her folded hands. Hands that felt like they were losing grip on everything.

"I was surprised to hear from you, I have to admit," McCrory said as he went to sit down too. "You said that you'd see me next in a court room but here you are, in my office."

"Yeah," Sharon reluctantly admitted. "I didn't really know where else to go."

McCrory sat up a little and studied the woman sitting in the chair. Sharon's shoulders had dropped and she still wasn't looking at him. He could see the tremor in her hands and the way she hid some of her face behind her auburn locks. The woman sitting in front of him looked different from the woman who had walked out of his office only a few days ago. She had changed.

"What happened since the last time you were here, Sharon?" he gently encouraged her to open up. "Do you want to start or do you want me to ask you some questions to help guide you along?"

"I don't know if I can make sense of any of it," Sharon admitted and she looked up. "The last time I was here I mentioned Andy…"

McCrory nodded. "Your ex-partner."

"He cheated on me. That's why we broke up. It's not the first time. He did it to his other partners in the past," Sharon explained and the painful sting in her chest reminded her that the betrayal hadn't healed. "And we talked about how people change. For better or worse."

"I remember."

"That doesn't just apply to Andy. It applies to someone else in my life too. Someone… important."

"Your son, Rusty?" McCrory asked and Sharon finally met his gaze.

"Him too. But I mean someone else. Someone… I haven't mentioned to you before."

McCrory leaned back. "And that's what you want to talk about today? Who is this person, Sharon?"

"Her name is Brenda," Sharon answered softly. "Brenda Leigh Johnson."

If McCrory recognised Brenda's name, and considering he'd been working with the LAPD for many years it was likely he had, he didn't let on. Instead he waited for Sharon to continue talking.

"We met years ago. We weren't friends. In fact, we were probably more like enemies. I investigated one of her detectives after an officer involved shooting. That's how our paths first crossed. And a few months later, when Brenda got into trouble, I was tasked with auditing her whole division. Much to Brenda's dismay. But our relationship changed and towards the end of her time in the LAPD, we had sort of become friends. But then she left and I took her place within Major Crimes. For a long time I didn't hear from her at all."

Sharon took a deep breath as her mind drifted back to the early days in Major Crimes. It had been hard for everyone and for a long time she had felt like she would never be able to get out of Brenda Leigh Johnson's shadow.

"A few weeks ago, she came back to Los Angeles and our paths crossed again. She contacted Rusty and I found out after a few days that they'd been in touch."

"He didn't tell you?" McCrory asked and Sharon shook her head.

"I was mad at first but I understood too. And as the weeks went on, Brenda sort of… I don't know… she became a part of our life. Our friendship rekindled and it grew. She was often at my house and she and Rusty spent a lot of time together. They have a connection I can't relate to because they shared something so intense…" She swallowed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "When I found out about Andy, Brenda was there. When Ann died, Brenda was there. When Rusty discovered his biological family, Brenda was there. When everything came crashing down, she was the one who quietly picked up all the pieces and put them back together. Everything we did, we did as a…"

"A family?"

"I don't know when it happened, or even how. But her presence was a constant. And that's strange considering the Brenda Leigh Johnson I knew years ago was selfish and egocentric. But this Brenda… She's different and I somehow just came to expect having her in my life. She was always there but her presence wasn't suffocating me. Having her, it felt reassuring somehow. And it wasn't until recently that I began to wonder what it meant."

"What do you mean?"

"After the suicide, Brenda was the one who came to take me home. She was the one my detectives called because they knew no one else would do in that moment." Sharon's mouth felt dry and she looked around the office before spotting the bottles of water on a tray in the corner. McCrory followed her gaze and got up. He handed Sharon one of the bottles and she accepted.

"I never thought about what it was like to be in Brenda's position. I don't think I ever even considered that this could be something other than friendship," Sharon continued after taking a couple of sips from the cold water. "But then this weekend everything changed and now everything is different and I don't know what to do."

McCrory watched as an almost desperate expression spread across Sharon's face. "What changed over the weekend?"

"Brenda kissed me. And I kissed her back."

"Are you in love with her?"

McCrory asked the question without even hesitating and Sharon clutched the bottle in her hand a little firmer, grateful to have something to hold onto. Her mind flashed back to the countless moments she and Brenda had shared together. The day in the park, the day on the beach, the endless evenings they had watched movies and had dinner, spent texting or talking on the phone. She had brought Brenda along to meeting Rusty's family because she had wanted to share it with her. There wasn't anyone else she could ever have imagined sharing all those things with. No one seemed to fit in her life the way Brenda did and that thought scared her.

"I… I don't know," Sharon stammered. "I… I don't think I have ever…"

"It can be pretty overwhelming to fall in love. Even when we're older, these kinds of feelings can catch us by surprise. Or maybe even more so when we're older because we don't expect them to come at all," McCrory gently offered. "They become even more confusing and overwhelming when we fall in love with someone of the same sex, when we never considered that this was even a possibility."

"I'm not gay," Sharon managed to get the words out. Her mind a jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings she couldn't accurately put into words. "I've never…"

"Love doesn't have labels, Sharon," McCrory reassured her. His tone was soothing, as if he silently picked up on Sharon's underlying fear. "Sometimes our heart does unexpected things and it seems that something like that has happened to you." He sat up a little. "Let me ask you this, when you think of the future, what do you see? Do you see Brenda?"

Sharon hesitantly nodded. "Somehow I just thought, imagined, that she was always going to be there."

"And why is that?"

"Because I wanted her to," Sharon whispered.

McCrory nodded. "What happened after you and Brenda kissed?"

Sharon flinched at the memory of Saturday night and remembered the hurt she had seen reflected in Brenda's eyes. Her stomach turned itself into a painful knot and she dug her nails into the plastic bottle and sighed. "I panicked. I didn't know what to do." Her voice became a little shaky as the bottled up emotions reached the surface and she swallowed. "I told Brenda to leave." She chewed the inside of her cheek. "We haven't spoken to each other since. I can't stand the thought of facing her after everything that's happened."

"What are you afraid of?" McCrory's question was genuine and didn't carry judgement. His voice was soft and when Sharon found the courage to look at him, he was watching her with kind eyes.

"I… I don't know. The change, I guess." Sharon hesitated. "The feelings."

"The change in your relationship status and how it would feel if you moved on from friendship? Or the perceived change in your sexuality and the way other people would view that side of you?"

"All of my life I have identified as straight. Never once did I ever even consider I could fall in love with a woman and I don't know if I am ready to accept that. I don't know if I ever will. Everything I thought I knew about myself doesn't seem to be true anymore and I don't know how to feel about that."

"Why wouldn't it be true anymore? Because you were married to a man before and had children with him? Because until now you have only ever dated men?" McCrory asked and Sharon nodded a little. "Sharon, most people are of the belief that sexuality is very much a fluid thing. That's why many people don't like labels. Some do and that's fine. But others just choose to let their feelings guide them and personally, I think there is nothing wrong with that. Just because you fell in love with Brenda doesn't mean that once upon a time you didn't love your ex-husband or Andy or anybody else. And just because you love Brenda now doesn't mean you have to stick a label on yourself either."

"I just don't know if I'm ready. All of this…"

"You've had quite a stressful few months. You witnessed a suicide up close, were attacked by a suspect, your adopted son found his biological family and your partner betrayed your trust by cheating on you as well as having lost someone very close to you, your ex mother-in-law. Sometimes when we go through a very stressful period, life tries to put things in perspective. Didn't you just say that Brenda was the only constant in your life?" Sharon nodded. "And how does it feel now that she's gone?"

"It hurts."

"Why does it hurt?"

"Because I miss her."

There was a silence after those words and Sharon remembered how the previous night she had typed those very words to Brenda before deleting them. She knew she missed her. Every part of her being and life missed the blonde's presence. She missed her upbeat voice, her silly jokes, the way she walked around the house and the sound of her footsteps. She missed the gentle touches of Brenda's hands and hearing her voice on the phone.

"Oh god..." Sharon covered her face with her hands.

"Sharon?" McCrory prompted her gently. "What's going on?"

"What have I done?"

"You reacted out of instinct, because in that moment you weren't ready to accept and deal with the things that were happening. There is nothing wrong with that. It's a normal human reaction," McCrory explained. "It's what you do from this moment onwards that will shape the rest of this journey. You just needed some time to work through these feelings by yourself and I think that you have come to a point where you are accepting them, aren't you?"

Sharon slowly nodded and took a deep breath. "But I don't know what to do next, where to go from here."

"You will," McCrory answered. "When you walk out of that door, you will know."

She looked at him, not entirely sure she was convinced by what he had said but when the hour had passed and Sharon could think of nothing else to say, she shook McCrory's hand before leaving the office. As the door closed behind her, her first desire was just to call Brenda and talk to her. She wanted to talk to her. She wanted to see her, tell her that whatever it was they were facing, they could figure it out together. She reached for her cell phone but then changed her mind.

Instead, when she left the building she didn't walk the two blocks back to Parker Centre but blindly made her way to the DA's office and after signing in at the front desk, she rode the elevator to the floor where Brenda had her office. Sharon's heart thundered in her chest as she walked through the familiar hallways and with every step, the nerves grew stronger. When she saw Brenda's door, she hesitated for a moment before taking a deep breath and knocking.

There was no answer.

Sharon knocked again but was interrupted by a man's voice behind her. "Are you looking for Miss Johnson?"

She turned around and saw the young man standing behind her. He was dressed in a smart suit and tie and had dirty blonde hair that reminded her a little bit of Rusty. He wasn't much older than him, Sharon guessed. It seemed he recognised her. "Oh, Captain Raydor."

"Hello," she greeted him in an attempt not to appear too awkward. "Yes, I am looking for Miss Johnson." She couldn't think of a time where she had ever called Brenda that. She had always been Chief Johnson or Brenda. "Can you tell me where I can find her?"

"Meeting with the DA at the Mayor's office," he answered. "And I think she's got a court appointment straight after so she will be out of the office all day."

Sharon felt her heart sink. "Oh…"

"Is there anything you'd like me to pass on to her? Leave a message for her perhaps?" He extended his hand and Sharon shook it as if on autopilot. "I'm Theodore. I'm one of the interns here and I've been assisting Miss Johnson the last couple of days." He searched Sharon's face. "She didn't mention she had a meeting with you today."

"It's all right. It was just a social call," Sharon answered and she straightened her back. "Thank you, Theodore. No need to bother Miss Johnson. I have her number. I'll call her later." She flashed a smile. "Have a nice day."

She turned on her heel and walked back down the hallway towards the elevator. Tears pricked behind her eyes as she slammed the button for the ground floor a little too hard. The doors slid closed and in the quiet confinement of the elevator, Sharon let out a quiet sob and wiped over her eyes before taking a couple of deep breaths and focusing on the rest of the day ahead. By the time the doors opened again and she walked through the lobby into the sunshine, the mask of Captain Raydor had slipped effortlessly back into place and no one could even suspect that deep down, Sharon's heart had broken.

"Sharon?"

She was about the enter the elevator in Parker Centre when she heard a familiar voice call her name and a cold shiver crept down her spine when in the shiny elevator door she caught Andy's reflection behind her. Slowly Sharon turned around and watched as Andy approached.

"Hey," he greeted her and smiled. He searched her face a little. "You're getting to work late."

"Hi." She forced a smile and found it was easier than she had expected. "I just had an appointment." She looked Andy up and down. The suit he wore seemed new and the tie she had never seen before either. He looked well, she noted. The awkward silence lingered until she said, "I hear you're settling in alright."

"Yeah. Almost like I've never left. Except it's been over a decade and I didn't know any of the people when I walked in." Andy seemed to feel almost as awkward as she did. He ruffled his hair and cleared his throat, then looked away. She knew all those signs. "Listen, Sharon…"

"Andy, don't," Sharon quietly answered. "I know what you're going to say. The time for apologies is long gone and you've already said what you needed to say. I don't think that we…"

"I just wanted to say that I admit and accept that I was wrong," Andy interrupted her. "And I wanted you to know that I'm talking to someone about some of these issues I've been having and that I don't put any blame on you at all. I was the one who did wrong and I'm sorry for the way I treated you. You deserved better than that and I hope that one day, someone will." There was a pause. "Or maybe someone already is."

She wanted to ask him what he meant by that but Sharon bit back the words. Instead she just nodded. "Thank you, Andy. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry that transferring you out of Major Crimes was the only way forward but the situation would have been unattainable for both of us. As it happens, I think moving to Robbery/Homicide has worked out well for you. I'm glad."

Andy nervously smiled. "It was good to see you, Sharon." The elevator doors slid open and he took a step back to allow her to get in. "Take care."

"You too, Andy," Sharon said before entering the elevator. She stared at the floor as the doors closed and leant back against the wall. Her head was spinning and more than anything she wanted to go home but when she walked into the Murder Room, she was greeted by the buzz of excitement that usually followed the closure of a case and when she saw Provenza and Tao by the Murder Board, she walked over to them.

"How did it go?" she wanted to know and Provenza turned around.

"Julio and Amy got a full confession. Hobbs made a deal and all parties are on their way to booking right now. Looks like tonight will be the first of many nights they're spending in a jail cell."

"Good work," Sharon said and patted Provenza on the shoulder.

"You're the one who made the connection," Tao answered but Sharon pointed at the board.

"Only because everyone else did such a brilliant job collecting the evidence." She smiled. "So, you're all coming to Rusty's party Saturday night, right?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," Provenza answered. "Patrice said she'll bake a cake."

"Rusty will love that," Sharon replied and she looked at the two Lieutenants. "If you could have the final paperwork on my desk by the end of the day, please?"

"Yes, Captain," came the unison answer and with a smile Sharon crossed the Murder Room to her office but turned around when she heard Provenza following her.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Lieutenant?" she wanted to know.

"About Rusty's party," he began and Sharon gestured for him to follow her into her office. She closed the door behind him and sat down behind her desk.

"Something on your mind?" she asked.

"I was just thinking, did you invite… you know… his sister?" Provenza hesitantly asked.

Sharon nodded. "They're aware, yes. And as far as I know, they're coming. Looks like it's going to be one big family get together in that sense, with Emily and Ricky flying in tomorrow."

Provenza's eyes narrowed a little. "And Brenda?"

Sharon's defences went up almost instantly. "What about her?"

"I haven't seen her around for a few days and I don't think she's called either. I was just wondering if everything was alright, that's all."

"Brenda works only a few blocks from here, Lieutenant. Maybe you can walk over there yourself and talk to her. I don't keep track of her diary." Sharon's words sounded sharper than she had intended and she knew she had given away way too much just by reacting like this but the disappointment of not finding Brenda in her office when she had really wanted to see her still tasted bitter in her mouth.

Provenza studied Sharon for a moment longer but then without saying anything else, he left her office and closed the door. Sharon watched as he walked back to his desk, picked up the folder of papers and started the paperwork she had asked for. She turned away, picked up her phone and began typing a message.

_I really need to talk to you._

She hit send.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three in three days. Ya'll dead yet?!

The coffee shop a block away from campus was always full of students and the music was always on. Rusty had managed to secure a table towards the back of the room, near the staircase that led down to the basement where the restrooms were. The walls were decorated with black and white retro pictures mixed with some inspiring quotes and there were plants in large white pots in the corner of the shop and the menu was written on an old fashioned school board. It was by far the most popular hangout spots for students and every single table in the place was occupied.

Rusty had plugged his Macbook into the power socket and absentmindedly picked at the lid on his hazelnut latte he'd ordered a few minutes ago. It was his favourite drink on the menu. He scrolled through the last bits of work he had done for the assignment that was due by the end of the day, making a final few edits before attaching the file to an email and sending it to his tutor. He felt a sense of satisfaction knowing he had completed the task and was glad to be done with it.

He heaved a sigh as his thoughts drifted off to the previous two days. The Wednesday night, sitting outside Sharon's bedroom door as he heard her cry, still lay fresh in his mind and Rusty wasn't sure he could ever reconcile the heartbreak he had heard in his mother's quiet sobs. He had been unable to face her Thursday morning and had ignored her knocking on his door. He couldn't look her in the eye after saying what he'd said to her and having heard her cry. He knew ignoring her would not make it better but right now it was the best he could do.

He looked up when someone slid into the empty seat in front of him and his face lit up when he saw Gus. He leaned in quickly and pecked him on the cheek. "Hey, I didn't think you'd be here for another hour or so."

"I finished early," Gus smiled and pointed at the laptop. "You all done?"

"Signed, sealed and delivered," Rusty answered.

"What's wrong?" Gus asked when he noticed the slightly pained expression on Rusty's face.

Rusty picked up his coffee but didn't drink it. "I've been thinking."

"Uh oh." Gus cocked an eyebrow in amusement. "What's going round in that pretty little head of yours?"

"Mom." Rusty chewed his lip. "And Brenda."

He hadn't told Gus about the conversation he'd had with Brenda the other night. He hadn't told anyone about the blonde's confession. He had kept her secret and at first he had thought he could handle it. But now, as the days continued to go by and he could see the misery in his mother's eyes and knowing how unhappy Brenda was too, Rusty couldn't take it anymore.

"Brenda's in love with my mum," Rusty blurted out and Gus didn't even blink.

"I thought we'd already worked that one out."

"But this time, she told me."

Gus sat up. "What?"

"I saw her the other night. I went to her apartment. She was a mess. Junk everywhere and she looked like she hadn't slept for days. She tried to pretend that everything was fine but I knew she was lying. She asked about my birthday and I said I wanted her to come. And then I just asked."

"And she said yes?" Gus asked softly and he shook his head. "Wow."

"This… this is bad, Gus. I don't know what happened between them but mom looks terrible. She's not sleeping, she doesn't want to talk. And Brenda hasn't been around the house for days. They don't talk to each other anymore and I don't know what I can do to fix this but I have to do something! I can't stand seeing both of them hurt like this. Mom cried herself to sleep the other night!"

Gus listened to his boyfriend share his frustrations and once Rusty fell silent, he leaned in. "Listen, whatever is going on between your mom and Brenda is clearly stressful for both of them. I'm not going to sit here and say that I know what it's like for them but I will say that I think that they reached a point where they've had to acknowledge how they feel. And if there's one thing I've learned about your mother it's that she is hesitant when it comes to her feelings." He cocked his head a little. "It seems that it's a trait the two of you share."

Rusty didn't answer straight away and contemplated Gus' words for a while. "There has to be something we can do. I can't stand seeing her like this."

"Didn't you say that Brenda is coming to your party on Saturday?"

"She said she would but whether she actually will…"

"Ask her again. Make sure she comes. That way she and your mom will have to at least be in the same room. They can't avoid each other forever."

"Have you met my mom? She did alright avoiding Jack for twenty years!" Rusty sighed and picked up his phone. "But you're right. It's the best shot we've got." He scrolled through his messages until the found the last one sent by Brenda and began typing.

Just checking you're still coming on Saturday. I've been told there's going to be cake and I wouldn't want you to miss that.

He hit send and put the phone back down. He looked back up at Gus and found his boyfriend looking at him with those adoring brown eyes that always sent his stomach into a flutter. "What?" he asked, blushing a little. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I think it's sweet that you're trying to make your mom happy, Rusty," Gus answered. "I guess now is a bad time to ask if you've talked to her about school? Or the other thing we talked about?"

Rusty shook his head. "I feel like I don't quite know how to talk to her at the moment. I mean, I know she won't have a problem with me changing my major but…" He fell silent.

"You think she'd have a problem with you moving out?" Gus finished Rusty's sentence for him. "I think you're underestimating her, Rusty."

"I asked Andrea if I can talk to her before I start all the paperwork. If anyone can talk me through what it's like going to Law School, she's the one. And I know she'll be honest and if she thinks it's a bad idea, she'll tell me," Rusty said. "And about the other thing…"

He opened the Macbook back up and went to one of the pages he had saved in his internet browser. It opened and he turned the screen around for Gus to see. "I found this. It's in a perfect location for both of us to get to work and school. We can take the subway or the bus. It's not that expensive either. Two bedrooms, one bathroom and it has a nice little closed off court yard."

Gus smiled at the excitement in Rusty's voice. A few months ago he wouldn't have been anywhere near ready to discuss the subject of moving in together but now Rusty was the one showing him the latest apartment, instead of the other way around. It seemed that the events surrounding finding his family and getting to know them had boosted his confidence and despite being worried about Sharon, he was ready to look ahead to the future.

"It does look nice, doesn't it?" Gus said as he studied the pictures. "Looks like the view isn't too bad either." He glanced up at Rusty. "What do you want to do?"

"We can at least make a call and see what the landlord's like. Get some information and stuff. Doesn't hurt to just check it out and see if it's something we really like," Rusty answered shyly. "We may find it's not what we want."

"And if it is what we want?"

"I guess I'll have to talk to mom after all."

~()~

Sharon took the afternoon off work to be able to drive to the airport to pick up Emily and Ricky. She found herself spending over forty minutes stuck in traffic on her way to LAX and when she finally managed to get a parking spot near arrivals, she was desperate for a cup of coffee. She checked the arrivals board on her way to the nearest coffee shop and noticed Emily's flight was still due to come in on time but Ricky's was delayed a little. Sharon ordered herself an Americano and checked her cell phone for messages as she waited for her order.

Brenda had not replied to her text message but Sharon could see the message had been read. She'd checked her phone constantly since sending it and Brenda had opened the message late last night. Sharon had waited to see if she would reply but after an hour without an answer, she'd given up. It hurt but it seemed that Brenda didn't want to talk to her. Coming to the painful conclusion that she had most likely pushed Brenda away too far, Sharon could only try and focus on her children arriving and Rusty's birthday.

She checked her watch. Half an hour till Emily's plane was due. She found a seat at one of the tables with comfy seats and Sharon crossed her legs. She watched as around her people carried on with the ordinary business of their lives. Some were waiting for loved ones, others were getting ready to say goodbye. Judging by the many suits and brief cases she saw, plenty of the people around her were travelling for business.

Minutes slowly ticked by and Sharon's heart filled with joy when she noticed Emily's flight turned green on the board and the word "landed" appeared behind it. She abandoned her now almost empty coffee and stood up and walked the short distance to the doors through which the arrivals would appear. She felt excited. It had been weeks since she last saw her daughter and she was desperate to just hold her in her arms and smell her hair; to know that her little girl was home.

It felt like an eternity until the doors opened and Sharon recognised her daughter's slender frame and brown hair. Moments later she had wrapped her arms tightly around Emily and pulled her as close as she possibly could. Emily let go of the small suitcase she was wheeling along beside her and buried her face in Sharon's hair.

"Hey mom," she smiled as she inhaled her mother's familiar perfume scent.

"Oh honey," Sharon sighed contently when she finally let go of her daughter. As always she looked at her from head to toe. Emily looked good dressed in black skinny jeans and a simple white top. Sharon smiled. "It feels like it's been way too long but I know it hasn't."

"That's because a lot has happened," Emily answered and searched her mother's face. "Gees mom, when was the last time you slept?"

"It's nice to see you too," Sharon quipped. "Work has been crazy." She looked over Emily's shoulder at the arrivals board and saw that Ricky's flight was back to being on schedule. "It won't be long till Ricky gets here. Do you want to go get a drink or something?"

She and Emily walked back to the same coffee shop where Sharon had set a little while earlier and Emily ordered a herbal tea whilst Sharon opted for just a bottle of water. They found a seat and once they were settled, Emily leaned in to her mother. "Mom, I'm so sorry about all of this stuff with Andy. I… I wish I'd been closer. I would have been more of a help."

"It's alright, honey. It's done," Sharon said. She swallowed. "It was a hard lesson and it's changed a few things but things are settling down. Andy transferred out of Major Crimes so we're not stuck with each other anymore." She fiddled with the lid on her bottle and easily changed the subject. "So what's the latest on your plans to open your own dance studio?"

"I have a meeting with a couple of investors next week," Emily answered. "I found the perfect location but it needs a lot of work before it's anywhere near ready and it would have to pass some rigorous inspections. But those are the things we talk about next week as well as long and short term plans."

Sharon smiled as she looked at her daughter. "I never really considered there would be a day where you would be prepared to give up dancing."

"I'm hitting thirty, mom. I won't be dancing like this for much longer and I need to think about the future. Frankly, I don't think my body will be able to take much more of the intense training. Opening my own studio and giving girls and boys the chances you gave me seems like the perfect way of taking the next step."

"Have you thought about working with some of the local schools?" Sharon asked and Emily nodded.

"A girl I know is a primary school teacher. We're going to try and set up something to encourage the kids in her school into dance."

Sharon's phone buzzed and her hand flew down to her pocket to pull it out. For a split second she thought, or at least hoped, it was Brenda but the text was from Rusty to tell her he would be home early so they could all have dinner together. Unsure how to feel about her son's attempt to just pretend nothing had happened, Sharon put the phone down but Emily's scrutinising gaze did not miss the way Sharon's face briefly reflected something other than happiness.

"Is everything alright?" Emily asked.

"Everything's fine," Sharon lied and managed to force a smile onto her face. She didn't want Emily to know what had happened. "It was just Rusty asking if we could all have dinner somewhere tonight. What do you reckon? Dinner in or out?"

"You haven't had time to cook so out sounds like a better option," Emily answered. "What about that place we went to for Christmas a couple of years ago? Is that still open?"

Sharon nodded, remembering the restaurant Emily meant. She made a mental note to call them once they were on their way home and she texted Rusty back to let him know what the plan was. For the remainder of their time waiting for Ricky they talked about some of Emily's latest performances and her trip to Europe and Emily showed her mother some pictures on her phone.

"Do you remember the last time we sat in this coffee shop?" Emily asked once she had finished scrolling through the pictures and she looked up at her mother. Their eyes met and Sharon nodded.

"I was just thinking the same thing. It was after Anne died." She swallowed. The memory was still fresh and painful and sitting in this very same coffee shop brought the feelings back even stronger. Sharon's hand reached for the necklace she was wearing and Emily noticed.

"You're wearing grandma's necklace."

"I haven't taken it off since the day I got it," Sharon answered and she covered Emily's hand with her own. "Thank you for sending those things to me, Emily." She kept the book Emily had included on her bedside table and the rosary and funeral service leaflet in the top drawer of her desk at home. "It means a lot to me to have all those things."

"I knew she'd want you to have them," Emily answered, tears glistening in her eyes.

"I miss her," Sharon said softly and she softly squeezed Emily's hand. "And to this day, the guilt of not making it to her funeral…" She swallowed. "It hurts that I didn't get to say goodbye."

"I know," Emily whispered. "But I also know she would have understood, mom. Because that was the kind of woman she was."

Sharon smiled a little. "She sure was."

They continued talking about Anne, the funeral service and the days following her death until the moment Emily noticed that Ricky's plane was about to land. The two women made their way to the double doors through which Emily had appeared only a short while earlier.

Ricky was one of the first passengers to come through the doors and he swung his strong arms around his mother's neck at the first available moment, pulling her into a massive bear hug. Sharon sighed in happiness now that she was surrounded by her children and watched as Ricky and Emily shared a playful hug followed by Emily teasingly pulling her brother's hair and smacking the back of his head.

Ricky loaded his and Emily's case in the trunk of the car and settled for the back seat when Emily insisted on getting in the front. The drive back to the condo was filled with stories and laughter as Emily and Ricky filled each other and their mother in on their lives as well as throwing in the occasional memory from the times they spent in Los Angeles.

Walking into the condo, Sharon knew Rusty was already home. His bag was on the couch and his keys in the bowl by the door. But he didn't come walking down the hallway. Instead, Ricky and Emily found their younger brother sitting on the couch in the living room and Rusty only got up when Ricky approached. As he hugged his brother, his eyes found Sharon's and they shared a quiet look. The atmosphere in the room seemed to shift.

"Hey little brother," Ricky said as he hugged Rusty and Rusty accepted the embrace. He then greeted Emily and turned to Sharon.

"Do I need to get changed?" he asked.

Sharon shook her head as she took in what Rusty was wearing. Smart jeans and a button down shirt. It looked like had even combed his hair. "No, you're good."

Emily looked from Rusty to her mother and back but said nothing despite sensing that their interaction was strained. Something in Sharon's voice was cold and Rusty couldn't bring himself to look his mother in the eye and Emily noticed how Sharon had folded her arms in front of her chest and Rusty's shoulders had dropped.

"Emily, you can stay in my room. Ricky, you're sharing with Rusty," Sharon announced as she turned to her two other children. "I've put some extra blankets and pillows out for you, Ricky."

"I can sleep on the couch," Rusty quickly said, not liking the idea of having to share the already small space of his bedroom. "Ricky can have my room."

"It's your birthday, dude! I'm not taking your bed," Ricky objected and Rusty shrugged. "I'll take the couch. It's not like I haven't done it before. Just give me the pillows and blankets and I'll be fine."

"Ok, if you're happy with that then that works for me," Sharon answered. She checked her watch. It was late afternoon. Outside the first signs of sunset were starting to change the colours of the sky. It would be dark in a couple of hours. "Do either of you want to freshen up before we go out?"

"I'd like a quick shower and get changed," Emily said and she went to take her suitcase. Rusty stepped forward and took it instead.

"I've got it."

He and Emily walked down the hall to Sharon's bedroom and once they were out of their mother's ear shot, Emily turned to her younger brother and closed the bedroom door. "Ok, spill it, kid," she insisted and when Rusty gave her a questioning look, she fixed him with a piercing stare. It was clear she had copied it perfectly from Sharon. "Listen, you can cut the atmosphere with a knife in here. What's going on with mom?"

"I… I don't really know if it's my place," Rusty reluctantly said and he stared down at the floor. He had expected Ricky and Emily to pick up on something but he hadn't expected it would happen this soon and he wasn't sure how to handle it.

"Has this got anything to do with Andy cheating on her?" Emily wanted to know. There was a hint of anger in her voice when she mentioned the Lieutenant. "Because I already know most of the details. She called me a few days ago." She continued to look at Rusty, noticing the way he nervously fumbled with his sleeves. "This is something else, isn't it?"

"Hey, what's going on in here?" Ricky poked his head around the door.

"Shut the door," Emily instructed and surprised, Ricky did what his sister asked and then looked from Rusty to Emily and back.

"Did I miss something?"

"Rusty was just about to tell me what's going on with mom," Emily answered, making it clear she wasn't going to take any of Rusty's attempts to avoid telling her what was going on.

"Oh so I wasn't imagining it then. I wondered why she spoke to you the way she sometimes speaks to dad," Ricky said and sat down on his mother's bed. The comforter shifted a little and one of the pillows slipped off the bed. "What did you do?"

"Nothing!" Rusty defended himself. He sighed and looked at the other two people in the room. "Ok. If I tell you, you have to promise me not to tell mom anything. She can't know I told you. I don't think she'd want me to but I also don't want this whole thing to get weird." He rubbed the back of his head. "And it probably will get weird by tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? You mean your party?" Emily's eyes widened. "You didn't invite Andy, did you?"

Rusty shook his head. "God no! I don't want that asshole anywhere near her!"

"So what's going on then?" Ricky urged.

Rusty felt his stomach twist itself into a knot and he couldn't look at Emily or Ricky. Just outside this room, just down the hall, their mother was preparing to take them all out to dinner and here they were, about to cross a line Rusty wasn't sure they shouldn't even consider crossing. This wasn't his place. This wasn't his secret. But if Ricky and Emily had already sensed something and Sharon wasn't going to tell them… Did they deserve to know what had happened?

"Did mom murder someone or something?" Ricky asked. It was meant to sound as a joke but it didn't come out quite as light-hearted as he had intended. It only added to the tension lingering in the room.

Rusty looked over his shoulder at the door, expecting Sharon to come in at any second. Surely by now she had to be wondering where all three of her children had disappeared to. He sighed. "I really don't think I should be the one telling you about this."

"And you think mom will?" Emily retorted. "She's more closed off than Fort Knox."

Rusty felt sick. This wasn't what he had wanted to happen. Hesitantly he said, "You guys know Brenda, right?"

"Yeah, mom's mentioned her a few times. They used to work together and then Brenda moved away. She came back recently and they became friends," Emily answered as if to fill in the blanks for Ricky. "From what I've heard, Brenda seems nice. Mom doesn't have all that many close friends."

"Well…" Rusty swallowed hard, unsure about how to tell his brother and sister what was really going on between Sharon and Brenda. This was Sharon's secret and he was about to betray her in the worst way possible. The words tasted bitter on his lips as he nervously spoke them out loud. "They're more than friends."

"What?" Ricky asked and stared at Rusty in a mixture of confusion and bewilderment. He let the words sink in for a few moments. "What do you mean, 'more than friends'? Are you saying mom is in love with this woman? Like, are they dating or something?"

Rusty opened his mouth to speak but Emily cut in before he could say anything. "You're kidding, right?"

Rusty shook his head.

"So are they sleeping together?!" Ricky sounded horrified. "Seriously?"

"Ricky!" Rusty and Emily both exclaimed in unison as they spun around to glare at him in horror.

"Not as far as I'm aware," Rusty spluttered. He briefly thought back to the nights where Brenda had stayed over at the condo. She had always slept on the couch but somehow he felt a little less certain about his answer and flushed a deep shade of red as he scratched the back of his head. "I don't think so, anyway."

"So, then what?" Ricky tried to comprehend what it was Rusty was trying to say. "You're saying mom's gay?" His voice had become a little higher pitched and he shook his head and begun tripping over his words. "Come on man, this can't be real. Mom's been dating men all her life! She married dad for god sake! Are you saying she's been some kind of closeted lesbian her whole life?"

"Hey, I'm not saying anything like that!" Rusty came to Sharon's defence. "I'm only telling you what I know and what I've seen. I don't think she ever lied to anyone!"

Emily ran her hands through her hair and started pacing the bedroom. "So, what's going on? Are they together? Dating?" She stopped and turned around to look at Ricky. He seemed to struggle more with this revelation than she did. "Ricky, come on, man. This is mom! Does it really matter?"

"Does it matter?" Ricky replied. "Of course it fucking matters. She's pushing sixty. You don't just suddenly wake up one morning and realise you're gay. Shit like that doesn't just happen."

"Actually, it does," Rusty interjected. "But we don't know if that's what happened with mom and it's not for us to judge. Now do you see why I didn't want to tell you? Because you're going to have to go back out there and look her in the eye and pretend you don't know the truth."

Emily crossed the room and held still in front of Rusty. "Tell me more about Brenda. What's going on between them? Are they dating?"

"They're not. They're not even together. The thing is, they're both confused as hell and I think they had a fight about it because they're not talking to each other anymore. I tried talking to mom but she won't talk to me about any of it. I saw Brenda and she told me. Well, not in so many words but I got enough to know what she meant." Rusty sighed. "And mom… Well, I think she doesn't know what to do with her feelings."

"Shit," Emily swore, resulting in a surprised look from Ricky. She wasn't normally the one to swear. She looked around the room as if to magically find answers and then sighed, "God, she must be so confused."

"Yeah, imagine falling in love with a woman at her age," Rusty added and he looked at his siblings but focusing mainly on Ricky as he seemed to struggle the most. "Falling in love is scary at the best of times but imagine it changing your whole world; the way you see yourself, the way everyone else will see you."

Emily sighed. "Oh, I can't even begin to imagine…"

Rusty was relieved to see understanding and acceptance in Emily's face. He looked back at Ricky and could see how his eyes darted around the room, trying to somehow make sense of everything that had transpired in the last few minutes. Rusty felt guilty. Not just towards Sharon but also towards Ricky and Emily for putting them in this situation.

Ricky cut through the lingering silence. "So that's why things are so tense? You guys had a fight about this?"

"Sort of, I suppose. I tried to talk to her and I think I pushed it too far." Rusty sighed. "I was just trying to help her, let her know that it's going to be alright. But I guess I should know better than anyone what it takes to accept something about yourself when you're not quite ready."

"You've invited Brenda to your party, haven't you?" Emily asked, having fitted the pieces together in her head and Rusty nodded. She glanced at Ricky and they shared a look of understanding. The initial harshness had faded from Ricky's face and it seemed that he was slowly wrapping his head around the situation. "Ok." Rusty arched an eyebrow and Emily continued, "You know these two better than either of us. You've seen mom when she's around Brenda. Before this happened, I mean. How did she seem?"

"Happy," Rusty smiled. He fondly remembered some of the moments they had shared together. "Happier than I have ever seen her."

"You think she's good for her?" Emily wanted to know.

"Brenda was there when your grandmother died. She was here when mom was at her worst. She was there with just her kindness and her smile, always trying to do the right thing and make things better. I've never seen anyone treat mom that way, not even Andy. And she genuinely made her happy." Rusty smiled a little. "Some people even assumed they were together just because of how they were."

Ricky stood up and there was a look of determination etched across his face. When he spoke, Rusty could hear the love for their mother in his brother's voice. He had pushed his initial shock, and no doubt judgment, aside and focused on his mother's happiness instead. He could deal with his own emotions later.

"If this Brenda makes mom happy then she deserves a chance to prove that to all of us but most all, she deserves a chance to prove it to mom. And if mom loves this woman, after everything she's been through with dad and Andy, then I want to see it happen."

"So do I," Emily agreed. "Mom deserves to be happy."

"So what do we do?" Rusty asked and Ricky put a hand on his shoulder in reassurance.

"Just get Brenda here. That'll be enough."

The knock on the door startled the siblings and moments later Sharon appeared. "What are you three doing in here?" she asked, her green eyes narrowing in suspicion behind her glasses as she observed three slightly startled looking faces.

"Just catching up," Ricky was the first one to answer. He had perfected the straight face to lie to his mother and it bought the others a few precious seconds to do the same. "Rusty was just telling us about school and Emily was showing us some pictures from her trip."

"Ok," Sharon answered. "Anyway, I need you guys out here in half an hour. I've booked a table and we really need to get going."

She closed the door again and Rusty turned to his siblings. His face was serious. "She can't know I told you."

Ricky looked at Emily and she nodded. "Don't worry. Our lips are sealed." He then put a hand on Rusty's shoulder. "I'm glad she's had you to support her, even if it seemed she may not have been aware of it or even wanted you to. I'm just glad she wasn't alone."

Rusty nodded. "We have to fix this."

Emily opened the bedroom door and let her two brothers out before following them. "We will," she promised Rusty and her eyes darted down the hall to see Sharon waiting by the front door. "We will."


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life sure has a way of well... getting in the way, I suppose. So much is happening and it makes writing and focusing hard. This chapter had been written for ages but neither of us was entirely happy with it and it took a while for us to get it to a point where we were happy with it. I guess us being perfectionists isn't helpful either. But here it is... We have finally finished the very long awaited chapter 38. The one you've all been waiting for!

Rusty was woken up early the next morning by Ricky banging loudly on his bedroom door before bursting in yelling "Happy Birthday, little brother!" and throwing a present at his head. Rusty had to duck so it didn't hit him square in the face but he laughed as Ricky jumped on the end of the bed. Rusty picked up the gift to unwrap it. It was badly taped together and the wrapping paper had Disney characters on it, which was pretty much what he had come to expect of Ricky.

A few moments later both Sharon and Emily appeared in the bedroom doorway. Emily wore black yoga pants and an NYC sweater and her brown hair fell in curly strands down her shoulders. Sharon had bound her hair in a messy bun and wore silk pyjamas and matching robe. Her eyes met Rusty's across the distance of the bedroom and she smiled. He understood. Whatever they had talked about, whatever tension they still shared, it wasn't going to affect them today.

She placed her presents in front of Rusty and Emily followed before finding another free spot on the bed to sit on. Rusty looked at the people gathered on his bed. This was what family looked like. It wasn't until he came to live with Sharon that he learned to enjoy his birthdays. She always managed to make him feel special. Birthdays were no longer just another random day of the year where he would worry about whether there'd be food in the fridge or if there would be any hot water or a shower that day. Sharon had been the first one to buy him a birthday present other than something picked up from a dodgy gas station and it had taken him a couple of years to no longer feel awkward about it all.

Sharon made everyone breakfast after the presents were done and they all sat around the table in their pyjamas eating banana pancakes. Rusty let his eyes rest on each member of the family; this was the one thing he'd never dreamed he'd have and not all the birthday presents in the world could top this moment. He had already been given the best gift humanely possible.

The remainder of the day was spent watching a couple of Rusty's favourite movies whilst still wearing their pyjamas, except for Sharon who swapped hers for jeans and a simple top. Gus arrived just as the first movie was finished.

They moved the furniture around to make room once the second movie had finished. Sharon hung up banners and balloons, much to Rusty's embarrassment, and she ignored his pleas that he was no longer a child and smiled in satisfaction at her handiwork as Rusty hid his face behind a pillow.

Rusty's phone pinged all day with birthday messages from the rest of the squad and his classmates but he was really only looking for one. Brenda's name didn't appear on his screen and the more time went by, the more Rusty's heart sank. He looked over his shoulder at Sharon. Part of him wasn't sure if what they were doing was right but he couldn't just do nothing.

It was late when Rusty's phone pinged again with another text message and his heart leapt up in his chest. It was from Brenda. He grabbed the phone and opened the message.

_"Happy Birthday, kid! I have some work to do but I promise I'll see you later."_

Gus appeared behind him, having noticed the relief on his boyfriend's face. " Brenda?"

Rusty nodded nervously. He couldn't quite believe that this was actually happening. "She's coming."

"Does your mom know?"

"Are you mad?!" Rusty hissed in shock. "I don't want this to be my last birthday! Of course she doesn't know!"

He looked at Sharon. She was reorganising the glasses, cutlery and plastic plates on the table. "I talked to Ricky and Emily last night about what's going on between her and Brenda."

"She is going to kill you when she finds out, you know that, right?" Gus' eyes widened and Rusty knew he was right.

Gus studied Rusty's face. "What did they say?"

"They were shocked, Ricky especially. I guess it's different for them because they haven't been watching this shitstorm for weeks the way I have but they're ok. At least, I think they are. They know Brenda's coming tonight."

He looked down at his phone and chewed his lip. "Part of me feels bad about setting her up like this."

"I know," Gus replied and put a hand on Rusty's shoulder. "But even if she does get mad, she won't be mad forever. She just needs a little help."

"Who needs help?" Sharon asked, having appeared behind the boys. She looked from Rusty to Gus and back. The smile on her face faltered a little when she sensed the tension and Rusty quickly shoved his phone into his pocket.

"Just some guys from school. They want me to help with an assignment."

"Just for today, forget about schoolwork, hmm?" Sharon said and patted Rusty on the shoulder. She then glanced at her watch. It was after six already and it was starting to go dark outside. "Louie and Patrice should be here any minute. They're bringing the cake and I want it to go right in the centre of the table."

"You'd better hope the Lieutenant hasn't eaten half of that cake by the time it gets here," Rusty joked. "I do hope it's not one of Patrice's famous gluten free cakes."

Right at that moment there was a knock on the door and Sharon walked off to answer it. Ricky and Emily, who had been standing in the kitchen, walked into the living room now that their mother was out of earshot and Emily said, "That text was from Brenda, wasn't it?"

"You'd think you were the cop instead of mom!" Rusty grinned but nodded anyway. "She said she'd be here but she's got some work to do so I don't think it'll be anytime soon." He glanced over his shoulder towards the hallway. The nerves had firmly settled in his stomach. "I just hope she doesn't leave it too long. This is already killing me."

"Rusty!" Provenza's voice boomed over the conversation and he walked into the living room holding a box wrapped in gold paper with a white ribbon and bow. Rusty tried not to laugh because it looked like something that belonged at a wedding, not a twenty-first birthday party, but he gratefully accepted the genuine warm embrace of the man who had first filled the empty space of father and grandfather in his life.

"Happy Birthday, son," Provenza said when he let go and took a step back. He pushed the box into Rusty's hands. "No idea what's in here. Patrice did the shopping."

"Something tells me I should be grateful for that," Rusty laughed and turned around to greet Patrice. She kissed him on the cheek and smiled.

"Happy Birthday, honey," she said before turning to Gus, Ricky and Emily and greeting them as well.

Over the next hour, the condo filled with all the people in Rusty's life that mattered to him. Buzz was next to arrive, carrying a gift bag from one of Los Angeles most well-known technology stores. Julio, Amy, Cooper and Andrea all arrived together and Mike was the last one to walk into the condo accompanied by Morales. Several of Rusty's classmates arrived in a group and seemed to feel a little awkward at first but then quickly relaxed once they found the soda and potato chips in the kitchen.

Everyone had brought presents or envelopes and as the room filled with the voices and laughter of the people who had become his first real family, Rusty took a moment to truly cherish that feeling. This was what a birthday was supposed to be like.

It was almost seven thirty when there was another knock on the door. Rusty's heart skipped a beat and he felt a little helpless when Sharon insisted on answering the door. He nervously followed her, terrified she would find Brenda standing outside and slam the door, but to his surprise, he heard Sharon laughing and when he rounded the corner, he discovered that the person who had knocked wasn't Brenda at all. Sophie, Catherine and Henry walked into the condo and when he saw his sister and grandparents, Rusty momentarily forgot about the anxiety of Brenda's arrival and flung himself into his sister's open arms.

"Surprise!" Sharon smiled as she watched Rusty embrace his grandparents next. The sheer joy on her son's face warmed her heart. "I asked them to come."

"We couldn't miss your twenty-first birthday, could we?" Sophie grinned as she pulled out her phone for a quick selfie with her younger brother. "Since we already missed the last twenty." They each pulled a stupid face when Sophie pressed the button.

Rusty then led them into the living room where he introduced Sophie, Catherine and Henry to everyone else and a surreal feeling washed over him when he watched Ricky shake hands with Henry and saw Catherine talking to Andrea and Patrice. Sophie seemed to immediately bond with Emily and Rusty watched, tears unexpectedly stinging behind his eyes, as his two families blended into one.

He startled a little when the lights in the room suddenly went out and Sharon slowly walked into the living room carrying the cake on a big white plate. On top of the cake stood twenty-one small candles and their flames flickered slightly with every step she took. Seconds later, every voice in the room started singing Happy Birthday and Rusty felt a cold shiver creep down his spine when Sharon held still in front of him. When the last notes faded out, he looked around the room for a moment. The faces of his family were lit up by the flames and he smiled before taking a deep breath and blowing out the candles. The room erupted into cheers and applause and Ricky quickly switched the lights back on.

People returned to their conversations as Sharon went back to the table to cut the cake. The minutes started to tick away and Rusty did his best to mingle in the conversations, growing increasingly restless and aware that Sharon was shooting him occasional worried glances. He tried to avoid her gaze but a couple of times he was too late and he knew that look all too well; she was reading him like an open book.

"Is everything alright?" Sharon asked him when Rusty found himself alone in the kitchen pouring another glass of soda. She put a hand on his shoulder in concern and he jumped, spilling some of the drink on his shirt. He swore under his breath.

"Rusty!" Sharon whispered when she briefly observed the startled look in her son's eyes. She let the cuss word slide. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," he lied and faked a smile. Years of living with Sharon, and time spent with Ricky and Emily, meant that he had pretty much perfected the mask of making his mother believe he was alright. "I just can't quite believe everyone's here, is all." He averted his gaze and stared down into his drink. "Well, almost everyone anyway."

Sharon felt a sharp sting of guilt in her chest. She hadn't dared to ask herself whether Rusty would feel Brenda's absence tonight. It was partly the reason she had asked Sophie, Catherine and Henry to come. She'd hoped it would distract him. It seemed that she hadn't been entirely successful and it made her feel guilty. "Oh honey, I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Rusty answered. His stomach tightened itself into a knot. It was almost eight now. It was becoming less and less likely that Brenda was still going to show up. He tried to hide the bitterness so Sharon wouldn't think it was aimed at her. "It is what it is."

He turned away from his mother and, clutching his drink, he sought out Gus and Ricky who were standing by the balcony doors. Ricky leant in.

"What the hell, man? Where is she?" He sounded a little stressed.

Rusty shrugged and tried to sound casual, even if he didn't feel it. "I'm beginning to think she stood me up."

"That's so not cool." Ricky shook his head.

"Mom's onto something," Rusty said as he sipped from his drink, masking the words as they fell from his lips. "I can feel her watching me and frankly, I'm so damn nervous… She must know something's up. If Brenda doesn't get here soon I think I might…"

His phone vibrated in his pocket at that very second and he pulled it out. It was a text from Brenda. I'm outside.

He looked back up. "She's here."

He turned around and, still holding his drink and feeling Sharon's eyes burn into his back, he walked into the hallway and opened the door. There, illuminated by the yellow light from the corridor, stood Brenda Leigh Johnson. She wore a light pink dress with a black blazer and had pinned her hair back into a loose bun. A few strands fell down the sides of her face and her trusted tote hung over her shoulder. In her hands she held a neatly wrapped present with a light blue envelope stuck to the top. The moment she saw Rusty, Brenda's brown eyes lit up and she smiled.

"Happy Birthday," she said and handed the gift to Rusty. She quickly leant in and kissed him on the cheek. "It's not exactly Washington DC but I hope you like it anyway." She nervously wobbled from one foot to the other.

"Thank you," Rusty smiled. He stepped aside and gestured towards the living room where the party was well and truly in full swing. "Come in."

Brenda followed the direction of his hand with her eyes and hesitated. "Rusty, honey, I think it's better if I don't. I don't want to upset your mom. I just wanted to make sure you got your birthday present." Her face didn't match her words because Rusty noticed how Brenda almost longingly looked into the condo. "I probably should just go."

"No, wait! Please!" Rusty interjected. "Please, don't go. I… I'd really like it if you stayed." He swallowed and chewed his cheek before blatantly lying, "No one else knows what happened between the two of you. They wouldn't even be surprised to see you."

"Rusty? What's going on? I didn't think we were expecting…" Sharon's voice faded out when she rounded the corner and saw the person in the doorway. Green eyes widened and she reached for the wall to support herself. "Oh…"

"Hi, Sharon," Brenda nervously said. Her stomach did a double flip. Sharon looked amazing in a burgundy red dress and grey cardigan and her long auburn locks falling freely down her shoulders. "I… I was just leavin'. I only wanted Rusty to have his present." She went to turn away.

"Brenda, please…" Rusty pleaded and he looked at Sharon. When she saw the despair in his eyes, her heart broke a little. Her break-up with Brenda, if she could even call it that, didn't just impact on her. It had impacted on Rusty as well. She swallowed hard but the lump in her throat didn't go away.

She'd called Brenda earlier in the week but the blonde had not returned her call. She'd taken that as a sign Brenda didn't want to talk to her but what if she was wrong?

"Please, come in, Brenda," Sharon heard herself say. Her voice was soft, almost fragile, and she resisted the urge to reach out and take Brenda's hand. The desire to touch her, even in the most innocent way, was overwhelming.

Sharon didn't want Rusty to be disappointed. She had seen the look on his face earlier in the evening and that hurt and guilt ate away at her. This wasn't his fault. As much as she'd rather not have Brenda here tonight, it was clear that Rusty did and despite what had happened, Brenda had made the effort to come and see him. She owed it to Rusty to invite Brenda inside, even if she didn't really want to.

Brenda nervously stepped into the condo and Rusty closed the door behind them. Without looking back at the two women he made his way back into the living room and Sharon and Brenda found themselves alone, surrounded by noise and laughter and yet completely isolated. For the longest of moments they looked at each other, held each other's gaze for as long as they could bare and then Brenda slowly averted her eyes and looked down at her feet.

"I got your message," she said softly, peering at Sharon through her eyelashes. "Thank you."

"You didn't call me back," Sharon answered. The hurt caused a tremor in her voice. Her hands were shaking and she felt cold. She clenched her fists and tried to somehow find some calm but she felt incredibly overwhelmed. "I… I didn't think you wanted to talk."

Brenda's breath hitched and she took a small step closer to Sharon. The tension between them grew when she slowly looked up and Sharon saw an ocean of emotions reflected in those dark eyes. "I didn't know what to say."

"Neither did I," Sharon admitted. She relaxed her hands and went to reach out to Brenda but stopped before she could touch her arm. Her throat was dry and her heart thundered in her chest so fast, it was as if it would break free from the restraints of her ribcage. A voice somewhere deep down inside of her was almost yelling at her telling her that this was not a good idea; to somehow stop this before anything else could happen but instead of saying something, anything, Sharon just continued to look at Brenda.

"We should probably join the others," Brenda said once she could no longer handle the tension between them. She averted her eyes as she could no longer bear Sharon's gaze. Never before had someone's glance hurt so much. "Rusty will be wonderin' where we are."

Suddenly a few pieces of what had seemed like an impossible puzzle to solve seemed to fall into place and Sharon took a moment to think about the image that had begun to form in her head. Somehow she didn't believe Brenda had come here without any encouragement. She knew the blonde women well enough to understand Brenda would not have knocked on her door if she hadn't felt like it was ok for her to do so.

"I guess we'd better go in then," Sharon mused softly and led Brenda into the living room.

"Chief!" Morales exclaimed in excitement when he spotted Brenda and the blonde gave a quick three finger wave and a wide smile. His calling out was enough reason for everyone else to turn around to and suddenly too many sets of eyes were resting on them. Sharon heard the greetings being called out towards Brenda and swallowed hard.

The minutes seemed to feel like forever. Brenda had somehow found her way further into the living room and from her little corner, a little tucked away from everyone else, Sharon watched as Brenda talked to Morales and Mike and was struck by the familiarity of the blonde being back in her house. She wanted to feel anger towards her, wanted to feel something that told her that Brenda no longer belonged here. But instead it was as if she had never really been gone.

She had grown so used to having Brenda around and until this moment it was as if she'd not fully experienced the feeling of loss. Seeing Brenda in the one place where she had wanted her the most felt overwhelming and Sharon briefly let her mind wander back to all the times they had shared here. The dinners, the breakfasts, the movie nights and just the casual days spent together. She had gotten so used to sharing her space with Brenda that the emptiness she had left behind once she was gone only really struck her now that she was back.

"Sharon?"

Sharon snapped out of her thoughts at the sound of Andrea's voice at her side and the glass of wine she had been holding while her eyes had been fixed on Brenda slipped through her fingers. The sound of the shattering glass echoed through the busy living room and people turned to see what had happened.

"Oh…" Sharon dropped to her knees without really realising what she was doing and began picking up the shards of glass with her bare hands. Remnants of the red wine pooled around her knees, slowly seeping into the floorboards.

"Sharon, are you alright?" Andrea asked, noticing Sharon's slightly flustered appearance. She knelt down on the floor next to the brunette, using a paper napkin to wipe up the spilled wine.

"Yes, I'm fine," Sharon muttered as she collected the broken glass in her hand before getting up and carrying them to the kitchen. She threw them into the trash and then noticed the drops of blood on her index finger. Sighing she reached for the kitchen towel and wrapped it around the small cut. She leaned against the kitchen counter in an attempt to catch her breath and calm the racing of her heart but startled when Brenda and Morales came into the kitchen.

"Oh…" Sharon turned away as if she had been caught doing something she shouldn't. She couldn't bring herself to look at Brenda.

"I just wanted to…" Brenda said and pointed at some of the soda.

Behind her, Morales studied the situation with confusion and concern etched across his face. He didn't miss the red stain of blood beginning to seep through the paper wrapped around Sharon's finger.

"Help yourself," Sharon quickly said and continued to move out of the way. She felt Brenda's eyes burn into her back but she didn't turn around to look at her.

"Are you alright, Captain? Need me to look at that?" Morales enquired and pointed at Sharon's bleeding finger.

"Oh, Doctor, no, I'm fine, honest," Sharon stammered. She felt her cheeks flush a deep shade of red. "Just a small cut from the glass. It's nothing."

"Well, let me know if you change your mind. I'm used to stitching things back together," Morales chuckled before turning around and exiting the kitchen, leaving Sharon and Brenda alone.

Sharon didn't wait for Brenda to finish pouring herself a drink and followed Morales back into the living room. There her eyes found Rusty and he quickly looked away. The realisation that had dawned on her earlier when she had invited Brenda into the condo crept back up and she strode across the room, never taking her eyes off her son. Something inside her felt hot and angry and she placed a hand on Rusty's shoulder.

"We need to talk." The tone of her voice made it clear that it was not open for discussion.

Rusty shot a helpless glance at Gus but then followed his mother out of the living room and down the hall towards the bedroom. Sharon held the door for him and Rusty felt the dread settle in the pit of his stomach when Sharon closed the door behind them. He slowly turned to look at her and found his mother staring at him with blazing green eyes, her hands firmly on her hips. The paper she had wrapped around her finger had fallen off somewhere along the way but she didn't seem to notice the drops of blood sliding down her hand.

"What the hell is going on here?" Sharon demanded to know.

He blinked, caught off guard by Sharon's fiery reaction. "What… I don't…"

Sharon pointed at the closed door and continued to stare at her son. Her eyes reflected hurt and betrayal. "Brenda! She didn't just show up here because she wanted to!"

"She... but she did want to…," Rusty stammered. He was unprepared for his mother's unexpected attack.

"I doubt that," Sharon bit back, interrupting him. The anger laced through every word and she tasted the tears in the back of her throat. "She didn't return my call earlier this week but somehow she turns up at your birthday party out of the blue. Didn't I tell you to stay out of this?"

"Mom! Please!" Rusty pleaded. "I just wanted…"

"You just wanted what? To try and fix something you have no business even being involved in in the first place?" Sharon sneered.

"I talked to Ricky and Emily and…"

Sharon's jaw dropped and the tears that had stung behind her eyes now reached the surface and she angrily wiped them away. She didn't know if she felt disgusted or hurt or both. Her eyes darkened and she took a step towards Rusty. "You spoke to Emily and Ricky about Brenda?"

Rusty realised his mistake but it was already too late. There was no going back now.

"Rusty, I don't even know where to start," Sharon said and a strangled sob escaped her throat. "You didn't have the right to…" She turned away, unable to let him see her cry. She shook her head. "All those years, did I ever say anything to you? Did I ever make you say or do anything you weren't ready to?" She let out a shaky sigh and the pain settled firmly in her chest. "I waited till you came to me."

Rusty's shoulders dropped. The sight of his mother crying, the heartbreak and hurt he could hear in her voice, made him feel sick. "I know. I was just…"

"You had no business getting involved in this," Sharon snapped at him. "This wasn't yours to deal with. After everything…"

"It's ok," Rusty attempted to reassure her. He didn't know if there was a way he could make this better but it was all he felt capable of doing right now. "I know you're scared but it's okay. You're in love with Brenda. It's not the end of the world."

"Rusty Beck, you keep your mouth shut right now and I mean, right now!" Sharon yelled and her words sounded raw and almost bitter. She pointed her finger at her son and the angry tears lashed violently against her cheeks. She felt a rush of adrenaline that was so overwhelming, it almost knocked her off her feet.

"You ruined everything!" she yelled and then she turned to the door, yanked it open and stormed out of the bedroom.

From where he stood and even with the noise from the living room, Rusty could hear the front door slam shut. Everyone else at the party had heard it too.

Moments later he hesitantly left the bedroom and headed back to the living room. As he entered, people turned to look at him. The music still played but the conversations had stalled. He knew they had heard Sharon yell at him. A few people exchanged worried glances and Provenza looked at him with such disappointment in his eyes that Rusty felt his heart sink.

"What happened?" Ricky asked as Rusty entered the room and picked up the glass of coke he had abandoned earlier. "Where's mom?"

"I don't know," Rusty answered and took a large gulp from his drink. The coke was flat and warm but right now he didn't care.

"Well, this isn't awkward at all," Provenza bluntly stated the obvious. It resulted in a dark glare from Rusty and a slap on the wrist from Patrice.

As the minutes began to pass and it became clear Sharon wasn't coming back, people slowly started to return to their conversations. But Rusty kept looking at the door, hoping Sharon would just walk back into the room but after a while, he began to realise that his hope was futile. A few moments later, he felt Brenda's hand on his arm and he spun around to look at her.

"I think I should go," she said softly.

"What? Why?"

"Look around," Brenda sadly smiled. "This happened because I'm here." Her dark brown eyes focused on Rusty. "I know what you were trying to do and I understand but it wasn't fair on Sharon. And it wasn't fair on me either." She sighed and shook her head. "I don't think either of us can fix this. I really should just go."

"Brenda, wait," Rusty pleaded and followed the former Chief to the door. He took her elbow to stop her leaving and Brenda turned to look at him. Sadness reflected in her brown eyes.

"Brenda, I'm sorry. I was just trying to help. I… I'm so sorry."

"You can't help someone with their feelings when they're not ready, Rusty," Brenda softly answered. "You really should have left it alone."

She didn't wait for Rusty to try and stop her and stepped out of the condo. Closing the door behind her felt like a liberation and she went to make her way down the hall when she heard the elevator ping. The doors opened and there, shaking like a leaf and tears streaming down her face, stood Sharon. Her shoulders were trembling and she staggered backwards a little when she saw Brenda. Brenda froze and across the length of the hallway they looked at each other. A silence had never sounded so deafening.

Sharon took a few more steps before turning around and heading towards the stairwell. Brenda hesitated for the briefest of moments, waiting for the sound of Sharon's footsteps to fade out into the distance, and for a moment she contemplated taking the elevator. She went to press the button but then changed her mind and slowly walked towards the stairwell. She pushed the door open. The stairwell was dimly lit and she listened. She was met by silence.

"Sharon?" Brenda's voice carried through the seemingly empty stairwell.

A strangled sob was her answer. "Just leave."

Brenda slowly started walking, shuddering at the sound of her own footsteps as it bounced of the cold brick walls. When she reached the next floor down she stopped. Sharon stood at the bottom of the stairs and stared up at her, green eyes filled with tears. Drops of mascara slid down her cheeks. She looked, for lack of a better word, broken.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as she looked up at Brenda standing at the top of the stairs. "Why are you even here?"

Brenda descended the steps until she was at an even level with Sharon. She watched as tears continued to slide down Sharon's cheek and softly said, "I think you know why."

She reached out and touched Sharon's shaking arm. She felt the older woman stiffen under her touch and the yearning to gently wrap Sharon in her arms was strong. But Brenda knew not to overstep the invisible boundary between them.

"I should have called you after I got your message," Brenda said. She didn't remove her hand and she could feel Sharon relax a little so she continued, "I didn't know what to say to you because… because I couldn't think of any words to change this thing between us. I didn't know how to apologise. There was so much I wanted to say and…"

Sharon turned her face away but didn't pull away from Brenda's touch. Brenda carefully let a strand of dark hair slide through her fingers. Her fingertip brushed against the side of Sharon's neck. The touch startled both of them and Brenda could hear Sharon gasp. She quickly pulled her hand back and let it fall down her side.

"I'm sorry…"

"You should go," Sharon's voice was shaky and weak. "Tonight… tonight was a mistake." She swallowed. "I can't do this."

"Can't do what?"

"This!" Sharon sobbed and she took a step back, almost placing herself against the wall. The tears continued to fall. "You!" Her voice carried every ounce of pain she had felt in these recent weeks and finally she dared to look Brenda in the eye.

"I can't do 'us'!"

"Sharon…"

"Don't you get it?" Sharon almost shrieked and she leant against the wall with her back before slowly slumping down to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest. "I can't have you in my life. I can't keep doing these things we've been doing because it's destroying me and I don't know what to do."

The next words that rolled off Sharon's lips were so raw and at the same time so pure, it almost broke Brenda's heart in half.

"I love you, Brenda, and I'm terrified!"

Brenda felt her own tears on her cheeks and she slowly sank down on the floor in front of Sharon. Gently she reached for the older woman's hands and she brought them up to her chest. Sharon was shaking violently and her eyes were squeezed shut behind her glasses. Softly Brenda removed the spectacles and put them down. Then she gently ran her thumb over Sharon's cheeks to wipe away the tears. She said nothing. She didn't need to. Words couldn't change this situation. Nothing could. So instead she just sat in front of Sharon and waited.

She waited for her to be ready.

Moments went by and for what felt like an eternity, all Brenda could hear were Sharon's sobs. Eventually the brunette lifted up her head and the sight of her tearstained face ripped through Brenda's soul. She saw fear and confusion in Sharon's eyes. She was looking into the face of a woman who was terrified she was going to lose everything she had ever known.

"I'm in love with you, Brenda Leigh, and I have never been so scared in my life."

Brenda moved so she could sit next to Sharon instead of in front of her. Their shoulders and hips touched and she continued to hold Sharon's hand.

"I know," she reassuringly whispered. "I know."

"I don't know what to do," Sharon confessed.

She rested her head against the wall. Her heart pounded in her chest and she felt sick, as if someone had just poured ice water into her veins. She shivered. "If I let this happen then everything will be different and I don't know what to do with that."

Finally she turned to look at Brenda again. "I'm so scared."

"So am I," Brenda whispered. She could feel the blood rushing in her ears. "I have never been so scared of anything."

She looked at her hand still holding Sharon's.

"Because the weeks I spent with you, sharing everythin' and yet nothin' at the same time, meant more to me than I ever thought they would. I realised I was living with you and that it was all that I wanted. I wanted to spend every day with you and every night and that feelin'… It scares me too."

"So what are we going to do?" Sharon quietly asked, never taking her eyes off Brenda's face. She could see every single one of her eyelashes and watched as the tears slid down Brenda's cheeks.

Brenda didn't answer but she stood up and then reached for Sharon's hand. The brunette accepted and Brenda gently helped her to her feet. Now that they were standing, she softly brushed a strand of hair out of Sharon's face and tried to wipe away some of the mascara streaks on her cheeks. Her thumb dipped lower, following the curve of Sharon's chin and then her lips.

"I don't know," she muttered without breaking the eye contact. "I don't know what we're goin' to do."

"Neither do I," Sharon whispered. Her breath was warm against Brenda's hand. The fear of the unknown coursed through her body and strangled her heart in her chest but at the same time she wanted nothing more than to be close to Brenda, even if that thought filled her with fear.

"I'm scared," Sharon continued and moved a little closer to Brenda. Her hands somehow found their way onto the blonde's body, resting on her hips. "All I know is that I can't imagine my life without you."

Through her eyelashes she looked at Brenda and then whispered, "I don't want to be afraid anymore."

At that moment, their lips came together in a mixture of hesitation and despair, hurt and longing. Brenda's fingers found their way into Sharon's hair as she softly pulled her deeper into the kiss, licking against her lips until Sharon let her in. The brunette willingly opened her mouth and the tip of her tongue danced around Brenda's as her hands tightened her grip on the blonde woman's waist.

Brenda tasted of wine and salty potato chips. Her lips were soft and warm and with every passing second, Sharon wanted more of her. She moaned softly when she felt Brenda's fingers dig into her scalp and pulled her closer. The feelings that coursed through her were overwhelming and she clung to Brenda in ways that she hadn't even imagined possible. Her heart pounded so loudly, she could even feel and hear it in her ears.

Sharon felt two worlds collide and when she eventually pulled back, she was panting and felt almost intoxicated and desperate for something she hadn't even realised she craved. Her eyes had darkened several shades and she looked at Brenda. Brown eyes stared back at her with the same intensity but then they softened and Brenda let her fingers trail down Sharon's jaw.

"I know you're scared but I promise you that we will work this out together. One step and one day at a time. Because I love you, Sharon Raydor. And I'm done runnin'. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to live."

"I love you," Sharon sighed without taking her eyes off Brenda. "I don't know how or when but I do, Brenda Leigh. I love you."

They stayed in that stairwell for what felt like hours. They talked and kissed and when Brenda softly pressed Sharon up against the wall, the brunette longingly wrapped her arms around the younger woman's back and pulled her closer. The kisses were soft and gentle as well as needy and they told a story of fear and love and everything in between.

Sharon rested her forehead against Brenda's after pulling away from another kiss. She was shaking and her fingers had threaded Brenda's hair. She was about to speak when above their heads they heard a door open followed by footsteps and eventually Rusty's voice.

"Mom?! Mom, are you down there?!"

The footsteps came closer and Sharon barely had time to let go of Brenda when Rusty bounded around the corner and saw them. He froze in his tracks.

"Oh…"

He nervously fumbled with his shirt and couldn't bring himself to look at his mother. "Uh, people are starting to leave and they're looking for you."

"I'll be right up," Sharon promised and Rusty turned away without saying another word.

"Don't be too hard on him, Sharon," Brenda said softly, the hint of a smile dancing across her lips. "He was only tryin' to help."

"I know, I know," Sharon admitted. "He means well."

Brenda looked at Sharon with a smile. "And I wonder where he gets those good intentions from."

They left the stairwell and walked back to the condo together. The door was still open and Rusty had been right. People were putting their coats on, ready to leave, and Sharon just managed to catch Amy and Cooper so she could say goodnight.

"Hey Chief, I thought you left ages ago," Provenza called from the living room when he saw Brenda come in.

She sent him a knowing smile and then glanced briefly over her shoulder at Sharon. "I decided to stick around for a little longer."

Eventually it was well after midnight when the last people left. Sophie, Catherine and Henry were staying in a hotel in the city and Buzz was driving a rather too happy Morales and Andrea home. It wasn't until Sharon noticed that Emily was getting her keys and her purse that she realised something was off.

"Where are you going?" she asked when she saw that Ricky was about to join his sister in leaving the condo.

Emily looked over her shoulder at Brenda sitting next to Rusty and Gus on the couch and smiled. "I don't think there's room for me in your bedroom tonight, mom."

"What?" Sharon blinked in confusion. "I don't understand…"

"The less people here tonight, the better. I think it has been quite the emotional evening for everyone and I think we could all use some space," Emily said softly and she kissed her mother on the cheek. When she stepped back, she held Sharon's gaze.

"I know why you didn't tell us and I understand. But for what it's worth…" Ricky went to stand next to his sister and Emily linked her arm through his. "All we ever wanted was for you to be happy."

"And I look happy with mascara stains on my cheeks?" Sharon asked, smiling a little.

"No, not really," Emily admitted. "But you do look happy standing next to Brenda."

Ricky placed a kiss on his mother's forehead. He was much taller than she was and it was so hard to imagine him as the little boy he had once been.

"We've booked a room at the Holiday Inn two blocks away. It's probably for the best." He wrapped his strong arms around Sharon for a massive hug and he held her tight. His voice almost got lost in her hair but she still heard every word. "I'm happy for you and I love you." Then she smiled. "And please, go easy on Rusty."

Sharon swallowed hard against the tears and when she let go of her son, Emily embraced her instead.

"You deserve to be happy," Emily whispered into her mother's ear. "After everything you've been through, you deserve it more than anyone." She took a step back and Sharon saw the tears in her daughter's eyes. "I love you, mom."

"I love you too," Sharon whispered. Right in this moment she had forgotten about the fact that Rusty had told them her secret and that the three of them had set this up tonight. They were her children and they had only wanted for her to be happy, even if she hadn't known how to make that happen. "Both of you."

She watched them walk down the corridor towards the elevator and once they were gone, she softly closed the door and locked it. When she came back into the living room, Gus and Rusty got up and announced they were going to bed. Rusty walked up to Sharon and wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered in her ear and Sharon, after freezing for a moment, wrapped her arms around him as well and held him tight. The broken pieces of their fight from earlier slowly melted back together and when she let go of him she could see the hurt and confusion in his eyes.

"It's ok," she promised him. "We do need to talk about this but..." She ran her hand through his hair. "I know why you did it now."

It would take a little bit of time for all the wounds to heal. They had been through so much and all of that, including what happened tonight, needed to find its place in their lives. But right now, in this moment, Sharon loved her son and for her, that was enough.

"I love you," Rusty said softly and kissed Sharon on her cheek. "Thank you for the best birthday ever."

Sharon was lost for words and just softly whispered "goodnight" as Rusty and Gus made their way down the hall. Moments later his bedroom door closed.

Sharon turned to look at Brenda. She sat on the couch, looking tired but happy at the same time. The room was a mess with plates and glasses everywhere, furniture in all the wrong places and crumbs of cake and food strewn across the floor. It looked like a room where a family had celebrated an evening of coming together.

"I should probably call a cab," Brenda said as she stood up and glanced at her watch. The silence of the living room now that they were alone suddenly weighed heavily on her and she felt the need to leave.

"Don't," Sharon whispered and shook her head. "Brenda, please, don't leave."

"Sharon…"

"I want you to stay."

"I know you do," Brenda whispered and crossed the room so she could take Sharon's hands. "But tonight has been emotional. I really think I should go home but if you want, I'll come back tomorrow mornin'."

Sharon nodded. "Ok."

Brenda leaned in and brought their mouths together into a searing kiss. She moaned softly when she felt Sharon nip at her bottom lip and wrapped her arms around the brunette's body. She wanted to stay. She so desperately wanted to stay but she and Sharon had crossed a line tonight and she knew that the best thing for both of them would be to have a bit of time to let everything sink in.

After they parted, Sharon walked Brenda to the front door and held it for her as the blonde stepped outside. She leaned in for another kiss and whispered, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Brenda smiled and she started down the corridor.

Sharon waited until Brenda had stepped into the elevator and then she softly closed the door. The soft click of it falling into its lock was followed by the metal sound of the chain as Sharon put it on. Then she walked back into the living room, took in the sight of the mess, and with a little smile on her face she turned off the lights.

It could all wait till tomorrow.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we are getting very close to the end of this story. Chapter 39 took a bit of time. There is a little bit more to come after this but this chapter... this is the one..

Sharon woke early the next morning and lay for a while, wrapped up in the sheets, as the images from the previous day came flooding back. She softly touched her lips when she remembered kissing Brenda in the stairwell after their heart breaking and honest exchange. Something inside Sharon's heart stirred and after a few moments of wondering what it was, she came to the careful conclusion that what she felt was happiness. It felt warm and soothing inside her chest and she rolled onto her back, the hint of a smile breaking through across her face.

She reached for her phone on the bedside table and the screen lit up when she touched it. A picture of her and Rusty was her lock screen and Sharon looked at her smiling son for a moment. They had been through a lot, not only since they first met but these last few weeks especially. Rusty had done his best to support and help her and although Sharon still felt the simmering sting of betrayal, it was beginning to ease off to be replaced by a sense of gratitude. All he had wanted to do was make her happy.

Sharon unlocked her phone and tapped onto the message icon. She scrolled down until she found Brenda's name and looked at the last text she had sent her, asking her to talk. She smiled as she typed a simple 'good morning' before hitting send and dropped the phone beside her in the bed. Down the hall she heard footsteps and guessed either Rusty or Gus was up to go to the bathroom. It was barely six thirty and after waiting until the footsteps had once again disappeared, Sharon slipped out of bed, put on her robe over her pyjamas, and padded barefoot to the kitchen. The condo was shrouded in silence and as she entered the living room she was confronted by the leftovers from last night's party.

Ignoring the mess, Sharon went to the kitchen and made herself some coffee. Not the instant kind she kept for rushed early morning emergencies but the proper kind and she leaned against the kitchen counter as behind her the machine went to work and the delicious smell of coffee began to fill the air. She inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent of coffee and fresh morning air, and hummed softly to herself. The lightness she felt in her chest began to spread through the rest of her limbs and Sharon lazily traced her fingers across the kitchen counter.

Clutching a cup she walked back to the bedroom ten minutes later and sat back down on the bed. The screen on her phone lit up with a text from Brenda and Sharon picked it up from between the sheets, slid her finger across the screen. _Good morning. How did you sleep?_

Sharon typed her reply quickly. _Best night sleep I've had in a while. You?_

Brenda's reply was almost instant and Sharon imagined the blonde woman sitting up in bed with tangled blonde curls and her reading glasses perched on the tip of her nose. _Never better_. It was followed by another text just seconds later. _Do you want to go to the park today?_

Sharon remembered the last time they had all gone to the park together. Brenda and Rusty had surprised her with Anne's rosary and other presents and in that moment she had felt the luckiest and most loved she had ever felt in her life. To think those moments would now become more frequent was something she could not quite grasp. _I'd love to._

_Ask Rusty, Gus, Emily and Ricky too_ , Brenda texted after Sharon's reply. _Family park day_.

Sharon's eyes focused on the word family and realised with a start that that was what Brenda was, what she had always been. She was family. Her family. She was part of this circle of people in her life that she loved and Sharon didn't ever want to see it any other way.

She switched between messages and sent one to Ricky and Emily each informing them about the day's plans, a location and a time and then she got up, walked to the bathroom and stripped off. She got in the shower, washed her hair and used her favourite shower gel before switching off the hot water, wrapping herself in a dark purple towel and wiped the steam off the mirror before brushing her teeth and applying her day cream. She then got dressed, made the bed and left the bedroom.

It was after nine o'clock when Rusty finally emerged from his bedroom and found Sharon on the balcony, curled up in one of the chairs, her eyes closed and the empty coffee mug on the small table at her side. He stood in the doorway for a few moments, watching the calm expression on his mother's face. It had been a long time since he had seen her like this; it was as if a weight had been lifted from Sharon's shoulders.

Sharon opened her eyes when she felt her son's gaze and Rusty sheepishly smiled, aware he had been caught staring. "Sorry," he blushed.

"It's ok," Sharon reassuringly said. She looked over his shoulder. "Where is Gus?"

"Still asleep. I'm making more coffee. I left the door open, hopefully the smell will wake him up."

Sharon smiled and pointed at the other chair. "Sit with me?"

Rusty walked across the balcony and sat down. For a few moments neither of them spoke and he took a moment to take in view of the morning sunrise. It was a little hazy across the horizon and the sky was still a fiery shade of orange. In the distance the sun was growing brighter and soon it would be another beautiful day in Los Angeles.

"You know everything is going to change now, right?" Sharon's words severed the silence and Rusty cast her a sideways glance.

"You and Brenda you mean?" he asked.

"Everything," Sharon tentatively answered and shifted in her seat, putting her feet on the floor and folding her hands in her lap. She sighed. "I know you struggled for a while..." Her green eyes fixed on her son and Rusty nodded slowly. "Accepting and understanding who you are… All of that is different for me now. I thought I knew. I mean, for almost sixty years that's all I'd ever known and then suddenly…"

"Brenda Leigh Johnson walked into your life and turned it upside down?" Rusty light heartedly said and Sharon couldn't help but chuckle.

"Well, she did always have a way of making her presence known so yes, I guess that is an accurate description." She sat up and looked down at her hands. "I got married. I had children. I had relationships, not least of all with Andy and I thought I knew… I thought I knew exactly who I was."

Rusty chewed his lip, wondering if what he knew about Brenda was something he should share with Sharon. She seemed to sense his confliction and looked at him. "What is it?"

"Brenda told me… she told me that she had known for some time. She knew even when she married Fritz because life was just easier that way. Easier for her parents. They already struggled to accept her brother and I think she was scared about what it would do to them as well as her. She told me that divorcing Fritz felt like she finally got the freedom she had always wanted."

Sharon swallowed. "She never told me any of that. I remember looking at her and Fritz years ago, when we first met, wondering how on Earth he put up with her. And then, the longer I looked, the more I wondered how she put up with him. I thought they were over long before she left Los Angeles. He seemed to really struggle to let her go."

Rusty looked at Sharon. She still seemed the same to him despite the fact that so much had changed. Sharon was right. He had struggled to accept his own sexual identity and Sharon had been waiting patiently in the wings for him to come to her and talk. And when he had finally done so, she had supported him in the most loving way a mother could and now he saw her the way he had seen himself back then, conflicted and confused about how she felt. He was a teenager when he figured out he was gay but Sharon was a woman with a whole life already lived; to accept such a change had to be a shocking experience.

"I wonder what people will say," Sharon mused, realising too late she had said those words out loud.

"Really?" Rusty arched an eyebrow. "Have you looked around the Murder Room? Doctor Morales, Doctor Joe, me… Besides, I think Lieutenant Provenza figured it out weeks ago."

Sharon shook her head. "Not quite like that, Rusty. You forget that in some ways I am the face of Major Crimes. I do press conferences. I stand up in court. I am a Captain in the LAPD. Still one of the highest ranking women in the force. This… This will have some kind of impact and it is hard to predict what that will be or how I will feel about it."

Rusty sank a little deeper into his seat. "Oh…"

"I remember pushing Brenda to run for Chief," Sharon mused. "Now I wonder…" Then she turned to Rusty. "I understand why you did it."

He blinked. "What?"

"Why you talked to her. Why you felt comfortable with her. Why you asked her to come last night and what you were trying to do for the two of us," Sharon said softly. She felt tears sting behind her eyes and she swallowed, not wanting to her son to see her cry. "I know I was angry and that I told you that you needed to mind your own business but Rusty, I understand."

Rusty smiled in relief. "Oh thank God. I was worried you were going to keep this against me forever."

"Bringing you into my home has been one of the best things that ever could have happened to me," Sharon said and reached out to take Rusty's hand. She held it between her own. "Thank you, Rusty, for opening my eyes and my heart to love in more ways than one."

Rusty's eyes shimmered with tears. "I love you, mom."

"I love you too." She smiled. "Now please, kick Gus out of bed because Brenda will be here in half an hour."

Rusty got up and disappeared back into the condo, leaving the door ajar. Sharon leaned back into her chair and wiped at her eyes, preventing the tears from falling. The thoughts she had shared with Rusty about how this new development in her life would impact on her professional life had started playing on her mind since she stepped out on the balcony. It was inevitable people would learn the truth and in a way she felt a sense of pride to be able to create more visibility but on the other hand she wasn't sure she was ready for the scrutiny.

Twenty-five minutes later there was a knock on the door and Sharon, having urged Rusty and Gus that they really needed to hurry up for the second time, went to answer it. She found Brenda standing outside and she allowed herself a moment to take in the sight of the blonde former Chief. She wore a flowery dress with a simple white cardigan and white shoes and had pulled her hair back in a ponytail. Sunglasses had been pushed into her blonde locks and big brown eyes looked up at Sharon. Brenda seemed to blush a little.

"Hi," she shyly said.

Sharon smiled. "Hi."

She stepped aside to let Brenda inside and then closed the door behind her. Brenda went to walk into the condo but Sharon took her wrist and stopped her. Their eyes locked and they looked at each other for the longest moment before leaning in. Sharon could taste a hint of coffee on Brenda's lips and hummed softly when she felt the blonde's arms slide around her waist, pulling her closer. What had started off as a soft, tender kiss quickly grew into something far more passionate.

When they parted, Sharon's gaze dropped down to Brenda's slightly parted and swollen dark pink lips, her heart pounding in her chest.

"You two finished out there?" Rusty yelled from the living room and Brenda smirked.

"I should probably say good mornin'."

"Probably," Sharon grinned and she and Brenda walked into the living room where they found Rusty lacing up his sneakers and Gus finishing off his second cup of coffee.

"Mornin'," Brenda greeted the two boys and Rusty looked up. He frowned.

"Why is there lipstick all up your face?"

Brenda blinked incredulously and her hand rushed to wipe at her chin. "What?"

"Gotcha," Rusty laughed and shook his head. "God, this is going to be fun!"

Brenda, blushing heavily now, turned to look at Sharon. The older woman was smiling too and they shared a look.

Fifteen minutes later everyone was sitting in Brenda's car and the blonde drove out of the condo's parking lot and headed off towards the park.

The drive was mostly quiet with just the music playing on the radio. It wasn't until they were about half an hour into their drive that Gus nudged Rusty and jerked his head towards Brenda and Sharon. Brenda's hand was resting on the gearstick, out of habit and not because she needed it, and Sharon's hand had covered Brenda's their fingers laced together. Rusty turned to look at Gus and his boyfriend smiled before reaching for Rusty's hand and lacing their fingers together too.

"This is going to be the gayest household in Los Angeles," Rusty grinned.

When they pulled into the parking lot at the park, Sharon saw Emily and Ricky already waiting for them. Her children approached the car when Sharon got out and she hugged each of them for at least twenty seconds before letting go. Rusty and Ricky gave each other a high five and Gus hugged Emily before Emily and Ricky turned to Brenda. Sharon watched as Emily stepped forward to and then closed her arms around Brenda and pulled her into an embrace.

From where she stood Sharon could see the relief flash across Brenda's face as she accepted Emily's embrace. She could see Emily whisper something in Brenda's ear but couldn't hear what it was but it had brought a smile to Brenda's face by the time she moved on to hugging Ricky.

"Sophie and her grandparents should be here any minute," Emily said and Sharon arched an eyebrow in surprise. "What? You did say you wanted a family day in the park. They're family too."

It didn't take long for Sophie, Catherine and Henry to arrive and after everyone had said hello, they all walked into the park together. People talked and laughed. Emily had linked arms with Sophie, Gus was talking to Henry and Ricky and Rusty were walking alongside Catherine, with Rusty's arm linked through his grandmother's. Sharon and Brenda walked behind them all, their hands linked, and Sharon's eyes drifted from each member of her family to the next. The sun was shining down on them and in this very moment, with all those she loved the most around her, Sharon felt the happiest she had been for a long time.

Brenda noticed the smile and somewhat distant look on Sharon's face. "You ok?" she asked.

Sharon nodded and her eyes fixed on Brenda as she squeezed her hand. "Perfect."

They found a spot on the grass in the shade of some trees not far from the big water feature and spread out some blankets. Rusty took a football from his backpack and just moments later he, Emily, Gus, Ricky and Sophie were all running across the grass throwing the ball at each other, laughing.

Catherine turned to Sharon. "Sophie told us this morning that she made contact with our daughter."

Sharon's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh wow. Is she going to meet with her?"

"Sometime in the next week," Catherine answered. "Sharon has said that she would really like to see us too. She told Sophie that she didn't think we'd ever want to see her again but she says she is doing much better and when she heard Rusty and Sophie are getting to know each other…"

"I'm glad," Sharon answered softly and looked at Rusty and Sophie chasing Ricky who was carrying the football. It was Sophie who caught up with him first and managed to snatch the ball from his arms before throwing it back to Rusty. He dropped it off and Emily took it instead.

"These last few weeks have been life changing," Henry picked up where his wife had left off. "It is hard to imagine a time where Rusty wasn't a part of our lives."

Sharon's lips curled up. "Now that is a feeling I can relate to."

"Thank you, Sharon, for giving him a chance when everyone else gave up on him," Henry said and when Sharon looked at him she saw he was about to cry. "You became his family when nobody else was there."

Sharon felt the lump in her throat and it didn't shift when she tried to swallow. "Having him in my life opened my eyes to a lot of things," she said and glanced down at Brenda's hand still holding hers. "It was a risk but sometimes, all it takes to find happiness is a leap of faith."

Ricky fell down in the grass next to his mother after ducking out of the game and turned to look at her. "Hey mom, is this the right time to tell you I am moving back to LA?"

Sharon blinked. "What?" she stammered.

"The office is opening up a secondary location in Los Angeles and my boss has asked me to help run it so I'm coming back," Ricky beamed.

"When?!" Sharon exclaimed, delighted another of her children was moving closer to home.

"Maybe another six to eight weeks," Ricky answered. "I have a meeting tomorrow that should give me an exact date." He grinned like a cat that had just got the cream. "You happy?"

"Yes!" Sharon laughed and wrapped her arms around her son's neck. "Oh well done, Ricky. I am so proud of you."

"Hey, what's going on here?" Rusty asked as he and the others came to sit down too. "What did Ricky do to get a hug?"

"He's moving back to LA," Sharon answered and Rusty pulled a face like he'd just stepped into something dirty and looked at Ricky.

"Do you have to?" He grinned.

"Deal with it, little brother," Ricky joked and ruffled Rusty's hair. "I'll be coming round for dinner every weekend."

"Just don't let Brenda cook her clam linguini," Rusty said with a smile, referring to the meal Brenda had cooked him the night Philip Stroh had attacked them both in her kitchen. "It'll damn near kill you."

"Well, since everyone is sharing their news," Emily said as she turned to her mother and Brenda. "I got a call this morning from the producers of Giselle, a famous ballet, saying that they want me to be their lead." Emily's smile widened. "We'll be touring across Europe."

"Oh honey, that's fantastic!" Sharon exclaimed and hugged her daughter. She kissed her hair when they parted. "Wow, look at all my children making such amazing progress in their lives. I am truly the luckiest mother alive."

"Gus and I were talking last night and I think I am going to change my major to Law," Rusty chimed in. "I've already arranged to meet with Andrea tomorrow to see if there is anything she can do to help me."

Brenda smiled. "You're going to make a great lawyer one day, kiddo."

"But lawyers have to stick to the rules," Sharon reminded hum and Rusty arched an eyebrow.

"The same way cops do, right mom?" he said, hinting that he knew better and Sharon smirked in amusement.

"What did I tell you?" Brenda said, nudging Sharon's arm. "Great lawyer. God help whoever comes across him in a court room."

Sharon remembered some of the argument and fights she and Rusty had had over the years and she had to agree with Brenda; with the right tools and structure, he would do brilliantly in a court too one day. She looked from Ricky to Emily and then Rusty. Here they were; three young people in the prime of their lives and all following a road that seemed to bring them happiness. Ricky was about to head an office in Los Angeles; he was growing up from the little boy who dismantled phones and computers just to see how they worked to this intelligent young man. Emily, who had been dancing for as long as she could remember, was following the dream Sharon had had to give up herself and to see her prosper at it was the most beautiful gift Sharon could ever receive. And to see Rusty, who had once been so broken and damaged, taking steps to become a lawyer was something she had not dared to dream just a few years ago.

They stayed in the park till almost sunset, with Ricky and Gus fetching pizzas from a place just a few blocks away when they all became hungry, and the sky was coloured red and amber when they all said goodbye in the parking lot. Emily and Ricky would come over for dinner the next day but Sophie, Catherine and Henry were heading home early the next morning. After promising her and Brenda would soon come to stay for the weekend, Sharon waved goodbye as their car disappeared out of sight. Ricky and Emily were next and when Sharon got in the car, Rusty and Gus were already buckled up in the backseat and Brenda turned the key to start the ignition.

"Brenda, could you drop us at Gus' place?" Rusty asked after sharing a quick knowing look with his boyfriend and Brenda nodded.

"Sure. You'll have to give me some directions though."

"No worries."

After dropping off the boys, Brenda drove back to the condo and parked her car next to Sharon's. She put on the handbrake and turned to the dark haired woman.

"Do you want some wine?" Sharon asked, suddenly feeling a rush of insecurity but at the same time a need for Brenda not to leave just yet.

"Thank you," Brenda smiled.

They rode the elevator in silence and Brenda stood closely behind Sharon when the older woman unlocked the door. The condo was covered in darkness and Sharon aimed for the bowl on the sideboard to drop her keys in. Before she had a chance to register whether she had indeed dropped them in the bowl, she felt Brenda's warm hands on her arms and the blonde pulled her closer for a deep, longing kiss.

"Oh," Sharon sighed when they parted moments later. A raging fire of lust and hunger had ignited in the pit of her stomach and as her eyes adapted to the dark, she saw Brenda look at her with a look that matched her own. She closed the distance between them again, capturing Brenda's lips with her own and licking her way eagerly into the blonde's mouth. She groaned softly when she felt Brenda's hands slide down her hips to her backside and arched her back slightly.

Sharon wasn't sure how they'd ended up halfway down the hall to the bedroom. She gave up trying to make sense of it when her shoulders bumped against the wall and she felt Brenda's lips on hers, felt the blonde's hands on her waist as they tightened their grip. She kicked off her shoes and the soft, dull thud of first one and then the other shoe hit the floor. Her arms slipped around Brenda's waist and pulled her closer. She softly sucked Brenda's lower lip into her mouth, resulting in a surprised whimper from the other woman.

Sharon tasted sweet and Brenda relished in the flavour as she let the tip of her tongue follow the shape of Sharon's bottom lip. Sharon's fingers were softly trailing the curve of Brenda's breasts through her dress. Her fingers felt warm through Brenda's clothes.

Brenda's shoes had been abandoned somewhere by the door. She'd kicked them off mere moments after walking in. Her cardigan was somewhere in the hall, probably also on the floor and Brenda's nimble fingers were slowly unbuttoning Sharon's light blue shirt. She let her fingertips dance across the skin that was now slowly being exposed to her with every button that opened.

Brenda's tongue circled around Sharon's before allowing the brunette to take charge, and she hummed in pleasure when she felt Sharon's nip at her lips. There was something about Sharon softly biting her that made Brenda lose all control and whatever little bit of restraint she had left just vanished.

The last button popped and Brenda carefully pulled away from the kiss. Sharon's eyes, so breathtakingly green, opened and locked with Brenda's as the blonde carefully let the shirt slide down Sharon's shoulders, revealing the bra she wore underneath. Brenda's gaze dropped down to Sharon's breasts clad in white lace.

Sharon stared up at Brenda, heart pounding in her chest. Were they really going to do this? It had all felt so natural, how their kisses had just grown more and more intense until Sharon had taken Brenda's hand and led her down towards the bedroom.

Sharon took Brenda's hand and placed it against the top of her jeans. Brenda's eyes snapped up, silently understanding what Sharon was trying to tell her and she hesitated, not sure if this was a line they were supposed to cross yet.

"Are you sure?" she softly asked and Sharon nodded. Her eyes glistened with something Brenda had never seen before. The normally so reserved and careful Sharon Raydor was coming undone right before her eyes and Brenda found the sight intoxicating as well as frightening. For as long as she could remember she had dreamed about the moment where Sharon would look at her like this and now that it was here… she didn't want Sharon doing something she would regret.

"I want this, Brenda." Sharon swallowed, her throat suddenly dry. "I want you."

Brenda let out a ragged breath and her fingers trembled a little as she began to unzip Sharon's jeans. The back of her throat was dry and she slowly watched the denim slide down Sharon's hips and thighs, revealing matching white panties, before pooling at her feet. Sharon stepped out of them and brought their lips back into a searing kiss.

Brenda searched for and found Sharon's hand and reluctantly broke the kiss to lead Sharon further down the hall and to the bedroom. Opening the door felt like stepping into something she knew they wouldn't be able to ever get back from. It had barely been a day since their confession, since realising that what they felt was love… After weeks of confusion, hurt and pain and tears, this was where they were.

Brenda turned after guiding the brunette into her own bedroom and didn't bother to close the door. Sharon had left her bedroom light on that morning and the room was just the right mixture of light and dark. Sharon watched Brenda with intense green eyes and Brenda moved closer. For a moment she hovered near Sharon's lips, felt the other woman breathe against her mouth, but then she let her mouth trail down the side of Sharon's neck, across all the skin she could find. Sharon's skin was soft and warm

Sharon reached around Brenda's back and with trembling fingers she slowly pulled down the zipper on her dress. Her fingertips grazed across the warm skin on Brenda's back and Sharon relished in the feeling of Brenda's flesh against hers. Insecurity mixed with longing as somehow her hands knew what to do even if her brain wasn't sure.

The floral fabric slid down Brenda's arms before landing at her feet. Brenda's bra was a plain light blue cotton and Brenda was pretty sure her panties didn't match but she stopped caring the moment she felt Sharon's mouth against her shoulder and her slender fingers unhooking the clasp of her bra. Sharon fumbled with the clasps for longer than she wanted but when it finally came undone, her breath caught in the back of her throat as she watched the bra slide away from Brenda's skin.

Brenda shivered when she felt air against her nipples and Sharon slowly looked down. Brenda's breasts were a magnificent sight; firm and round with dark pink nipples that hardened just under the cool bedroom air. The sight of the former Deputy Chief topless and just wearing her panties set something alight inside Sharon and she kissed Brenda again.

Somehow they stumbled closer to the bed, their bodies wrapped around each other so tightly it was as if they were one, and Brenda's knees almost buckled when she bumped into the bedframe.

Sharon shivered when Brenda unhooked her bra and, feeling a little self-conscious, she let it slide down her arms. In the dim light of the bedroom she could see Brenda's brown eyes darken with admiration and before Sharon could blink, Brenda softly took her arms, spun them around and pushed Sharon gently onto the bed.

Brenda straddled the brunette before carefully lying down on top of her. Her hands softly explored Sharon's body; she felt every part of her skin, every curve, every dip. She followed the shape of Sharon's breasts, let her fingers trail over her ribcage, dipped into her bellybutton. She peppered her glowing skin with soft, butterfly kisses and when she gently dipped her hand between her lover's legs, Brenda realised there was no way back.

"Brenda…" Sharon whispered softly and the blonde looked up. Her heart was pounding in her chest and suddenly she was scared. She had never done this before. Not with a woman anyway. She knew her own body but not that of another woman. She had no idea what it was she was supposed to do, or even how she was supposed to do it.

"You know I…"

"I know," Brenda reassured her, sensing Sharon's hesitation. "And it's ok. We'll take it slow if that's what you need. Or we can stop, if you'd rather..."

Sharon shook her head. "I don't want to stop. I just… I don't know…"

Brenda moved herself up along the length of Sharon's body and softly kissed the corner of her mouth. "We don't have to do this. If you want to wait…"

"No," Sharon reassured her. "I just… I don't know how..."

"It's ok," Brenda promised. "Do what you feel comfortable with. I won't tell you not to think because I know you, Sharon. But somehow your brain will know. Your body will know. And even if it doesn't tonight, then it's still ok." She lazily kissed Sharon and the brunette responded, wrapping her arms around Brenda's neck.

"Are you sure you want to do this tonight?" Brenda asked when she kissed the side of Sharon's neck, her tongue circling just below Sharon's ear. Sharon arched her back when she felt Brenda nibble on the soft exposed skin.

"Yes…" came the soft reply.

Brenda smiled against Sharon's skin and tenderly licked and kissed her way down Sharon's chest. The brunette gasped when Brenda's soft warm lips closed around her hardened nipple and her fingers twisted themselves in Brenda's ponytail as her back arched off the bed. Brenda's other hand caressed the other breast, softly pinching and rolling Sharon's nipple between her fingers. She could almost feel the pounding of Sharon's heart against her lips.

Slowly Brenda kissed her way further down Sharon's body until she reached her panties. She slipped her fingers behind the waistband but didn't move to pull them down. Instead she kissed the tender flesh on the inside of Sharon's thighs, feeling how her muscles tensed under her touch. Then slowly she pulled the lace down Sharon's skin and Sharon lifted herself off the bed a little so Brenda could pull them down.

Brenda looked down at Sharon. She was so beautiful, more beautiful than she could ever have imagined. The yellow light of the lamp on the bedside table highlighted the curves and shapes of her body, accented the little freckles across her chest and Brenda let her hands slide back up to Sharon's shoulders and then down to her breasts. She leaned in and lazily kissed her, placing her body between Sharon's legs. Sharon kissed her back, her tongue circling slowly around Brenda's, her arms closing around the blonde's back as she pulled her closer.

Brenda felt Sharon's skin everywhere. Their bodies were flush together; Sharon's breasts against her breasts, Sharon's belly against her belly. Lying between Sharon's legs, she could feel the warmth and the moisture against her skin.

Brenda slowly kissed, licked and nibbled her way down the length of Sharon's neck before again reaching a hardened nipple. She took it between her lips, let the tip of her tongue circle over it and hummed in pleasure when Sharon involuntarily jerked. She couldn't resist to softly bite and the soft outcry of surprised delight was music to Brenda's ears. She wanted to hear Sharon make that sound over and over again.

Sharon had lost all ability to think clearly. All she could feel was Brenda. The initial hesitation she had felt was gone. This felt right; it was right.

Brenda took Sharon's hands and pushed them up alongside her head, lacing their fingers together and pressing Sharon's arms down into the mattress. Aware she was fully in charge now, Brenda took Sharon's nipple between her teeth and softly bit again, resulting in another surprised yelp followed by a moan.

Brenda's body pressed harder against Sharon's core and she watched, mesmerised, as Sharon's back arched up a little again, bringing those beautiful breasts into an even more stunning view. Brenda slowly let her hands slide down her lover's chest and cupped each breast in a hand, massaging them softly. Sharon's eyes had fallen shut and Brenda watched for any sign, any hint of pleasure, on her face as her hands slid further down to Sharon's stomach.

Her skin wasn't perfect. It showed its age in places and the C-section scar above her public bone was still quite visible but to Brenda, Sharon looked beautiful. Their bodies moved seamlessly together. They rocked in a slow, steady rhythm, their mouths sealed in a searing kiss and Sharon's hands tangled in Brenda's hair. The blonde had never been more grateful for a ponytail.

"Oooh," Sharon sighed when she felt the feather light touch of Brenda's fingers against the inside of her thighs. Her skin was thin and sensitive here and she felt a shiver creep down her spine.

Even for Brenda this felt like it was her first time again. The first time where being with someone felt so right.

She'd reached the top of Sharon's thighs, felt the damp curls against her fingertips. Her breath caught in the back of her throat as her fingers easily slipped through the wetness between Sharon's legs. Brenda's index finger ghosted over Sharon's clit, causing Sharon's body to jolt unexpectedly, and Brenda locked eyes with the brunette before carefully pushing two fingers inside Sharon's molten heat, breaking the final barrier between them.

"Brenda!" Sharon whimpered, her fingers clutching at her blonde lover's shoulders. She arched back, pressing her pelvis against Brenda's hand.

"Oooh..."

Brenda waited, just for a moment, to truly feel what it meant to touch Sharon, to truly appreciate what it was like to feel her, and then she slowly pushed deeper before pulling back a little. She softly and gently explored, curved her fingers a little, coated her fingers in Sharon's wetness and watched with wide eyes how Sharon's pupil's dilated.

Brenda was used to touching herself. She knew what she liked to do to herself but to know what Sharon liked was a whole new adventure that Brenda was beginning to explore.

Brenda's own body matched the slow, soft pace of her hand and Sharon soon met her with a counter rhythm, her nails softly scratching across her lover's back. Brenda kissed her; the kiss was wet and passionate and told the story of everything they had wanted to say up until this very moment.

The moments seemed to last forever and Brenda's slow thrusts became quicker only because she sensed the change in Sharon's pace. She followed her lover's lead and pushed a little harder, a little deeper, and attacked the side of Sharon's neck with bruising kisses when Sharon's legs locked around her waist and she clung to Brenda's lithe frame with all the strength she had left.

Sharon rocked against Brenda's hand harder and harder, desperately seeking that friction, the release, she now craved. Her breaths became laboured and her heart pounded in her chest. Nails dragged across soft skin leaving behind red marks. She knew she was so close... So close...

Brenda knew Sharon's was almost there. She felt the muscles tense in her thighs, noticed the sheen of sweat across her chest, the way her hair stuck to her forehead. Without pulling back she moved further down Sharon's body, her tongue dragging over the warm flesh of Sharon's stomach, until she could press her lips against Sharon's warm, swollen centre.

Sharon only whimpered and she continued to thread her fingers in Brenda's hair.

Brenda pressed the tip of her tongue against Sharon's clit and circled it. Brenda let her tongue trail over the hard little button again, resulting in a soft hiss from Sharon, and then she set a pace.

Sharon's head felt like it was going to explode. All she could feel was Brenda.

Sharon came with Brenda's name rolling off her lips. Her body shuddered and then went rigid, her walls clenching tightly around Brenda's fingers as Brenda sucked her throbbing clit into her mouth.

She only stopped when Sharon softly pushed against her head and Brenda slowly pulled back. She got up on her knees and from her position between Sharon's legs she watched as her lover rode out the last waves of her orgasm. Her chest rose and fell with rapid, shallow breaths and Sharon's eyes lazily opened just moments later.

"Hi," Brenda smiled, tucking a stray curl behind her ear.

Sharon sheepishly smiled in return. Her mind couldn't quite grasp what had just happened. "Hey."

Brenda moved up to the top of the bed and lay down next to Sharon, draping her arm over the brunette's waist. Sharon rolled onto her side to face Brenda and for a while they just lay like this, looking at each other without speaking a single word, as Brenda's fingers drew circles across Sharon's waist.

"I love you."

It sounded like a whisper; it slipped off Sharon's tongue so quietly, the words could easily have gotten lost in the air between them.

Brenda felt her cheeks flush red. In her chest her heart fluttered in a way she had never felt it do before. "I love you too."

Sharon leaned in, capturing Brenda's lips and she kissed her. The kiss was fierce and hungry and slowly, Sharon let her hands dip down Brenda's chest. Her breasts were soft and Sharon let the palm of her hand slide over Brenda's swollen nipples, feeling them harden against her touch. Gently she squeezed, watching as Brenda's eyes closed in pleasure, and she softly began a rhythm of massaging Brenda's breasts.

She nibbled her way down the length of Brenda's neck before eventually taking a hard nipple between her lips, circling it with her tongue. Her hand slid down the blonde's stomach and finally found the fabric of her panties. Sharon sat up and peeled the fabric down Brenda's legs, allowing herself only a short glance at the area between her thighs, worried that if she thought about it too much, she'd somehow clamp up. Instead she softly let her hand slide between Brenda's legs.

She stilled her touch just before she encountered the wetness and Brenda's eyes opened. "You ok?" she softly asked and Sharon nodded but said nothing. Her heart pounded in her chest and she continued to hold Brenda's gaze when she softly slid her hand down further and eventually found the warm pool of wetness between Brenda's legs.

Sliding a finger into Brenda was effortless and Sharon marvelled over how soft and hot Brenda felt. Seeing the way her face scrunched up when she curled her finger slightly was enough reason for Sharon to do it again. Brenda softly moaned, her fingers grasping at the bedsheets, and Sharon leaned in, kissing Brenda tenderly as she began pushing her finger in and out.

"Oh Sharon…" Brenda sighed into the kiss and Sharon's mind was spinning. She added a second finger and Brenda arched her back, spreading her legs a little further. Using her thumb to explore, Sharon found what she was looking for and pressed against Brenda's hard clit. The blonde softly cried out in delight and Sharon repeated the touch before setting in a steady rhythm of circles and pressure, continuing to thrust her fingers in and out.

Brenda knew she wouldn't take long. She could feel the first tingling in the pit of her stomach the moment Sharon touched her and when the brunette began to set a pace, Brenda was ready to let go. As the feeling grew stronger, her hand closed around Sharon's wrist to keep her hand in place, and she rolled her hips to meet her lover's touch.

Sharon watched, wide eyed, as before her, Brenda orgasmed and felt her lover's muscles tightened around her fingers. She softly pulled back, clumsily wiped her hand on the sheets because she didn't know what else to do, and lay herself down next to Brenda. The blonde turned to look at her through heavy lidded eyes and trailed her hand down Sharon's arm.

"When I came back to Los Angeles, I did not even dare dream I would find myself here," she said softly before rolling onto her back and pulling Sharon with her. The older woman lay her head down on Brenda's chest and Brenda kissed the top of her head. "And here we are…"

"Here we are," Sharon mused. Her eyes felt heavy and the feeling of Brenda's warm body and the soft, cool sheets against her skin made her sleepy. She wondered if this was going to be it now, for the rest of her life. Was this going to be the life she was going to live? Waking up next to a woman? And that woman being Brenda? Was she going to live this brand new life that she had not seen coming and deal with the consequences of her choices?

From the way Brenda's breathing changed, Sharon guessed she wasn't the only one who was about to fall asleep. "Brenda?"

"Hmmm?"

"I'm really glad you came back."

"It was a risk," Brenda admitted. "I felt like I had nothing to lose but yet I had everything to lose." She paused for a moment. "What was it you said to Ricky in the park earlier? Something about happiness?"

Sharon thought about it for a moment and then lifted up her head so she could look Brenda in the eye. "All it takes to find happiness is a leap of faith."

The blonde smiled as she leaned in for a kiss. "I guess it paid off."

Sharon lay her head back down on Brenda's chest and listened to her strong and steady heartbeat.

"I guess it did."


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Story Behind The Story 
> 
> The final chapter is posted underneath this note. There is something we would really like to share with all of you, since you have been reading this story for all this time, have left some wonderful and lovely comments in the reviews and have encouraged us to keep going. We cherish you all and we waned you to know what happened during the two years it took for this story to be written.
> 
> Leap of Faith started as a request from a new follower on Twitter who simply wanted to see an overused Sharenda story line flipped on its head. What if Brenda was the established gay character and an unsuspecting Sharon fell in love with her after a lifetime of only being attracted to men? The premises itself was simple enough but the pressure was on because there had been times before where this follower had read my work only to see my projects unfinished.
> 
> This story started two years ago and that new Twitter follower, back then still pretty much a stranger, is now going to be my wife.
> 
> When we first met, we didn't particularly like each other all that much. It certainly wasn't love at first sight. Just like the Sharon and Brenda in our story, one of us was aware they liked girls and the other had no clue. Just like Sharon and Brenda, one of us is blonde, the other is a brunette.
> 
> Leap of Faith has taken almost 2 years to write. Not just because of the writing but also because of life itself. This has brought me so many things. First it gave me a friend. Someone I could talk to, someone to laugh and share with. Then it gave me a lover and a partner. Someone to cherish and love for the rest of my life. Someone who loves me, who sees me despite all my broken and damaged pieces. Someone who has opened my eyes to what love means and what love feels like. Someone who I want to wake up with every morning. Someone I want to share with, yell at, cry with, laugh with... live every day of my life with. Someone so beautiful inside and out. Someone who makes me laugh when I have forgotten how to. Who has brought out sides in me I didn't know existed.
> 
> I had no idea if I could ever deliver the story Kait wanted me to write. Neither of us knew that writing Leap of Faith would see us go through what we have gone through To this day we are battling a long distance relationship (Kait is in Australia, I am in England). We go months without seeing each other. We travel half way around the world just to see each other for a few weeks. We face battle after battle to finally be able to be together for good the way we so desperately wanted. We took a risk, a chance, and it all led to this. We got engaged over Christmas and hope to finally be able to close the distance for good soon.
> 
> As it happened, I didn't just write the story of Sharon and Brenda, I also wrote the story of us. I didn't know if I could do it, any of it, but sometimes all it takes in life to find happiness is a leap of faith. Little did I know Leap of Faith would be the first chapter to the rest of our lives. Together.

**I started this story with words written to a friend.  
"For Kait. I hope it's everything you want it to be."**

**I end it with words to my future wife.  
"For Kait. It turned out to be everything I didn't know it would be.  
Thank you for being the Sharon to my Brenda.  
I love you.  
Always"**

_One year later_

It was the perfect day for a wedding. The sun was shining but it wasn't too hot. The scent of the hundreds of fresh flowers had filled the vineyard where the ceremony took place and all day long there had been the sounds of laughter and music. The vows had been perfect and sitting on the front row, Sharon had had the perfect view of Amy as she promised to spend the rest of her life together with the man she loved. And now, as the sun began to set and the strings of fairy lights in the trees surrounding them were switched on, Sharon's breath was taken away by the perfection of today.

She looked at Brenda sitting beside her. She looked truly stunning with her blonde hair bound into the nape of her neck, a few lose stray curls falling down the sides of her face. Her off the shoulder navy dress complimented Sharon's light blue bridesmaids dress and they wore matching silver necklaces. She continued to watch Brenda as the blonde's brown eyes were focused on the group of people on the dancefloor just a few feet away.

The last year had been a road full of discoveries. They were taking their relationship slow but somehow it still seemed to go faster than Sharon could have anticipated. Brenda spent most of her time at the condo but there were nights where she still went back to her own apartment. And on those nights Sharon both cherished her space, which had grown a little quieter since Rusty moved in with Gus a few weeks ago, but at the same time she longed for Brenda's constant presence.

Coming out late in life had proven to be both a challenge as well as an eye opening and heart-warming experience. Those closest to her were most welcoming and in general, she had found she faced very little extra scurrility because of her position within the LAPD. She had no doubt there were whispers and rumours behind her back but she had never been one to really listen to them, even if these days she did sometimes take an extra moment to think about it. It was as if opening this part of herself up to the wider world had made her feel more vulnerable. Whether people were accepting because they still remembered Brenda or just because of the reputation Sharon had built for herself, she didn't know. But there had been people who had struggled more.

Jack certainly had but recently he had been more accepting and they'd been able to talk openly. He no longer treated Brenda like an outcast and during their last meeting he had even brought a bottle of her favourite wine. A couple of friends Sharon had known since the academy had seemed more reluctant and neither had returned her calls. She had since stopped calling them because she'd eventually realised there was no point chasing those who couldn't share in her happiness. Andy had been angry at first but then, one day, he had found her in an empty meeting room at work after a combined task force had been set up for a case, and they'd talked.

"I never could explain what it was I could see happening between the two of you when you first walked into that Murder Room," he said. "There was something… even if nobody knew what it was. And it doesn't matter anymore." He had taken a step towards her and took her hand. Then he had looked into her eyes and said, "I wasn't the one to make you happy, Sharon. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve it. Does Brenda make you happy?"

"Yes," Sharon had smiled. "She does."

"Then I am happy too."

The only person who had really struggled to look at Sharon the same way was Fritz and when Brenda told her the story behind their divorce, Sharon understood. It wasn't long after her relationship with Brenda became public that Fritz transferred out of the LAPD altogether. He never said it directly and Sharon never asked, but she knew it was because he couldn't stand working with the woman who now shared her life with his ex-wife. She couldn't compare him to Jack or even Andy because their relationships had been so different. He still loved Brenda, in his own personal flawed way, and seeing her love someone else and seeing someone else love Brenda, was more than he could handle. Sharon didn't blame him.

Brenda's father Clay had been more of a surprise. Brenda had always feared disclosing her sexuality to him and with a little help from her niece Charlie, she eventually told him she and Sharon were dating when they visited Atlanta for a long weekend. Clay had looked at them for the longest of moments and then he had spoken the words that had reduced Brenda to a sobbing mess. "I wish your Mama was here to see your happiness, Brenda Leigh. She would have been so happy to see you happy."

To add to the changes in their life, Emily had announced that after her tour in Europe, she was going to quit dancing and would open her ballet studio in New York. Ricky had returned to Los Angeles ten months ago and Sharon had finally gotten to meet the girl he had been dating for almost two years. Just two weeks ago, he had told Sharon that she was going to become a grandmother and she'd cried tears of happiness she had never cried before.

Sharon snapped out of her thoughts when she felt Brenda's hand on her arm.

"Daydreamin' again?" the blonde whispered as she leaned in so she could put her head on Sharon's shoulder.

Sharon didn't know what came over her but she turned in her seat, forcing Brenda to sit back up, and took the younger woman's hands in her own. Green eyes found brown and a wide smile broke through on Sharon's face. "Move in with me."

Brenda blinked in confusion. "What?"

"Move in with me," Sharon repeated.

It felt like such a natural progression. Everything between her and Brenda just seemed to happen. She didn't have to think about it. She didn't even have to worry about it. Somehow they just worked. From their first time sleeping together to how they worked through the ways of making their relationship known to the world to how they shared living and existing in the same space. It was as if Brenda had always been a part of her life and Sharon could no longer imagine her life before Brenda.

"Sharon…"

"I mean it," Sharon urged. "Brenda, I want you to move in with me."

Brenda's face lit up and she wrapped her arms around Sharon's neck. "Of course."

"Hey, what's going on here?" Rusty asked as he fell down on a chair to Sharon's right. "Giving out free hugs?"

Sharon turned to look at her son. He looked incredibly handsome in his suit and she'd felt proud watching him be the ring bearer earlier today. He had grown up a lot in the last year. With Andrea's help he had started Law school, was interning at the DA's office and he had Gus had moved in together.

"Brenda is going to move in," Sharon told him.

"No way!" Rusty exclaimed and then he turned to Gus who had just joined the table to put two glasses of champagne down in front of Rusty. "You owe me twenty bucks!"

Sharon looked at them in confusion. "What?"

"Gus and I had a bet that Brenda would move in within two years. Gus thought you'd take longer, I disagreed," Rusty beamed and next to him, Gus shook his head in some mild embarrassment.

"Does anyone know what the stakes are on Provenza retiring this year?" Brenda asked and Rusty laughed.

"I don't think he's changed his mind about dying at his desk."

Sharon's eyes wandered across the vineyard and found Louie Provenza sitting at one of the tables. He was still her trusted second in command and he had been the one to stand up for her and speak out when she first made her relationship with Brenda public. He had been Brenda's fiercest critic when she first came to LA and then when Sharon took over, he became her fiercest critic too, but now he was perhaps her most trusted and loyal friend and Sharon treasured him with all her heart. She watched as he spoke softly to Patrice, watched the way his hand covered hers and then the way his eyes drifted around the same vineyard before eventually finding hers. Almost as If he knew she was looking. He did not need words. And neither did Sharon.

"I don't know," she said quietly, feeing something settle in her chest. "I think he may have changed his mind."

This last year had changed a lot of things for everyone, including Louie Provenza.

When she saw him stand up and walk towards her, Sharon excused herself and met him half way. He extended his hand and after a moment's pause, Sharon accepted and allowed the Lieutenant to lead her to the dancefloor. The music switched to a slightly slower number and Sharon needed only a couple of seconds to adapt before falling into the familiar pattern of the slow foxtrot.

"Captain," Provenza said and he held her gaze for a moment. "I think on Monday, you and I need to talk."

"About that thing we said we'd never talk about?" Sharon asked, having sensed the change in him.

Provenza studied the brunette captain's face for a moment and saw the recognition in her eyes. He jerked his head only slightly. "Yes, to talk about the thing we said we'd never talk about."

"Alright, Lieutenant," Sharon promised him.

They fell into a comfortable silence as the music swelled and around them, other people danced too. Rusty had led Brenda down to the dancefloor and Sharon watched from the corner of her eye as he struggled to lead before admitting defeat and letting Brenda take charge. She sighed contently as across the other side of the dancefloor, Amy rested her head against Cooper's chest, her golden wedding band glistening slightly underneath the fairy lights. Then she turned back to look at Provenza. He shared that same deep, thoughtful expression and Sharon looked up at her friend.

"Some year, right?" she asked softly, squeezing his hand a little tighter and Provenza looked at her before nodding slightly.

"Some year, Sharon. Some year indeed…"

**Author's Note:**

> There will be some Shandy in this story. Don't worry, it won't last.


End file.
